Volume I by Sidepiece Magazine

SIDEPIECE

VOLUME I RESTORING FEMININE ENERGY

SPEAKING FOR YOUR VAGINA

LOVING EVERY BODY

02 sidepiece magazine

Sidepiece is an annual publication dedicated to empower women through storytelling and visual arts. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook @sidepiecemagazine #realwomenare

With Gratitude Without the incredible support from our friends, families, readers, benefactors and collaborators, Sidepiece would not exist. We are grateful for the opportunity to tell the stories of women everywhere. We see you. We hear you. We thank you. We want to extend a special thanks to:

Visit us online at www.sidepiecemag.com For advertising, sponsorship distribution, special projects or partner inquiries, contact us at hello@sidepiecemagazine.com Sidepiece Magazine, Volume no. 1 ÂŠ 2019 Sidepiece Magazine All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the editors. For any permission requests, please email hello@sidepiecemagazine.com Made and printed in Indiana Front + Back Cover Art Photographer: Charlee Black Producer: Cate Robeson-Pickens Creative Director: Jana Astrouski Director of Photography: Aubrey Smith Set Designer: Anna Martinez Makeup Artist: Gregory Rose Hair Stylist: Cassidy Carman Nail Technician: Lindsay Wainscott Model: Ciara Hicks

Abi Ogle Bluebeard Deftly Creative Eighty One Face + Body Future Friends Holographic Magic Club Girls Inc. of Greater Indianapolis Good Friends Studio Helen Wells Agency Katie Norman L Modelz Management Lick Ice Cream Manon Voice Myth Maker Nails by Neat Road Trip to Wellness Space Flower Digital Media The Empty Vase The Hatch Tyeesha Bradley VisionLoft Events Young Law

Printed by Allegra Pyramids With each issue purchased, $5 will be donated to TRU Harbor, an organization aiming to prevent sex trafficking. Visit yocinc.org to learn more about the organization.

Legal disclaimer: Sidepiece exists to provide stories and visuals on sexuality, identity, mental health, lifestyle and relationship topics. This publication aims to be as inclusive as possible, but is not exhaustive in its coverage of any topic. It is distributed with the understanding that the publication cannot be held accountable for providing or prescribing any type of psychological, legal or other professional advice. The content of each article is the sole expression and opinion of its author or creator, and not necessarily that of the publication. No warranties or guarantees are expressed or implied by the publicationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s choice to include any of the content in this volume. Neither the publication, nor the individual authors or creators should be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial or commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential or other damages. Each reader is responsible for their own choices, actions and results.

engage. equip. empower.

04 letter sexuality from+the identity editor

Let‘s Have The Talk. Let’s have those uncomfortable conversations about the female experience. Let’s talk about sexual encounters, about mental instability, about abusing and being abused. Let’s talk about all the labels society has planted on us. Ditz. Bossy. Bitch. Chatty. Prude. Emotional. Slut. Fat. Twig. Basic. Whore. Tease. Sassy. Sidepiece. The stories we accumulate as women are vast yet common. In Sidepiece, we tell the stories about the queasy feeling before telling our parents about our sexuality. The urgency to throw up in the nearest toilet after a meal shared amongst friends. The defeating reminder that we missed yet another dinner with the kids - or not wanting kids at all. The guilty feeling in our gut when we write the number of sexual partners at the doctor’s office. The blatant modern-day discrimination we receive for having dark skin. The collection of names we’ve been called for the clothes we wear. The tempting pull when we consider suicide. The color of the eyes of our rapist. As a 20-something, half of these stories are mine. I didn’t deserve any of them, but it’s the unfortunate reality for a woman. So let’s talk. Sidepiece Magazine aims to release us from these outdated identifiers and offer a space to explore gender roles, sexuality and the female experience without shame. Our mission is to unite women from every walk of life and give men a comprehensive resource to understand the societally female, building strong role models and future leaders in the process. So welcome. Here you will find candid, poignant narratives, interviews and articles from women who have struggled and survived. You will also find thought-provoking photography and illustrations based on emotional, often taboo moments. To us, Sidepiece is not just another “female publication.” We consider it an essential book for successfully prevailing in sisterhood today. Sincerely,

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Sidepiece Magazine is a passion project and a labor of love. Our contributors pride themselves on being volunteers – not employees. editor in chief + creative director Aubrey Smith executive administrator Chloe Bradburn managing editor Dominique Stewart editor at large Anna Bowman senior editors Eric Moore Hayli Craig senior art director Jana Astrouski writers Ainger Alexander Ariana Beedie Dlang Ferg uson Miller Kern Haley Jordan Bri Kirkham Stephanie Renner Samantha Stevenson Jordan Thomas Jennifer Thompson Steph Weber photographers Holly Andres Charlee Black Kelly Kamrowski Robert Rittman Nicole Rodrig uez Edrece Stansberr y Allison Tylek Jennifer Van Elk Christina Valdez Ruth Yaro producer Cate Robeson-Pickens make up artists Ashley Darnold Danelle French Temara Payton Gregor y Rose hair stylist Cassidy Carman wardrobe stylists Sarah Jeheney Olivia Smith Heidi Wieland

nail technician Lindsay Wainscott set designer Anna Martinez illustrators Megan Broyles Val Davis Penelope Dullaghan Petra Eriksson Emma Hartsfield Ashley Mar y Danielle Morgan JJ Obee Eglė Plytnikaitė Stephanie Renner designers Lauren Park Morgan Sterns models Bailey Colby Kitty Collins Chanbriel Cooper Antonette Elizabeth Aubrey Heifner Ciara Hicks Taylor Martinez Kr ystal Robinson Patrice Robinson Raja-nee’ Wilburn events director Jala Cruz website developer Erika Espinoza video producers Jana Astrouski Eric Andrews Jessica Carr social media intern Julia Bluhm design intern Ashley Bahney

content topics

AN M U NG H KI

UALIT Y + SEX ID EN

AL XU TH SE AL HE

DOM EST IC ABU SE

TIO

E X PA R P LO TN ER R

RE + RELA

LT U

R NI T

DATING

SEX +

LGB TQ COM MU +

BOD

ITY

A LT H

SITIV

SE LF UA LIZ AT

AC T

REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS

MENT

Y ER

ANXIETY

ALE FEM RMENT E OW MP

Sidepiece Magazine isn’t just a publication, it’s a megaphone for what every woman goes through and a guide to help them continue to battle on. Therefore, like the many facets of womanhood, the categories of our content are widespread. Our pieces encompass diverse points of view and cover a wide range of issues, but they all have one thing in common - improving the female experience. From depression to empowerment, we want to travel along the path of women and give them the insights and inclusiveness they need to live their most confident, She-Ra lives.

The Volume I launch event would not have flourished without help from the following:

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Finding Beauty

Sexuality + Unsanctioned Splendor Identity The Volume I launch event would not have flourished without help from the following: what they don’t tell you when you’re young

exploring the complexity of female genitalia

How to Raise a Feminist Daughter

a feminist manifesto

Restoring Feminine Energy celebrating femininity as a fearless woman

Map of Myself

a poet’s perspective

Flower Power fl ora + feminine strength

Mental + Physical Health

The Condition I Can’t Talk About the stigma around vaginal health

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Enlisting in the Booty Army in conversation with the Fitness Marshall

Real Women Are a rebrand of body positivity

The Comparison Game

navigating social media

Black Health Matters the plight of black women in healthcare

Panic City

coexisting with anxiety

Culture + Relationships

Misconduct from Doctors when doctor-patient boundaries become blurred

One

a collection of illustrations on femme unity

Embracing Her Roots one woman’s natural hair journey

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Bad Dates, Worse Sex communicating with your partner

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Modern Day Human Trafficking

by the numbers

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Bijou

in response to President Trump

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Sparrow Lane

a narrative of young women on the verge of adulthood

10 featured contributors

Steph Weber W R I T E R

Anna Marisa Martinez S E T

Steph Weber is a brand consultant, influencer and podcaster with big dreams. Through her work, Steph helps business owners, entrepreneurs and influencers craft an authentic and clear story that creates connection with a highly engaged tribe, resulting in increased sales and brand visibility to stand out in a saturated market.

Taylor Martinez MO D E L

D ES I G N E R

Anna Marisa Martinez is an artist, set designer and wardrobe stylist from Indianapolis. She currently maintains a studio practice at the Circle City Industrial Complex.

@ANNAMARTINEZ IHATEPAINTERS.COM

Taylor is a local influencer and former model for Helen Wells agency. Amidst a recent move to Chicago, she is dominating in fashion and beauty spaces, attending globally recognized events like New York Fashion Week 2018 and signing with Ford Models.

@TAYLORMARTINEZOFFICIAL @TRENDYININDY TRENDYININDY.COM

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Ashley Mary

Haley Jordan

Jennifer Van Elk

I L LUS T R ATO R

W R I T E R

P H OTO G R A P H E R

With a palette knife in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other, Ashley Mary fits colors and shapes together like the pieces of a puzzle. The Minnesota-born artist, designer and muralist works out of her studio in NE Minneapolis, turning playful collages into spirited paintings and abstract works into whimsical product designs.

Haley is a full-time backup dancer for the popular fitness YouTube channel, The Fitness Marshall. Beyond that, Haley uses her personal platform to promote selflove and her passion for plantbased cooking. Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s published two vegan cookbooks in hopes to inspire others to prepare delicious and nutritious meals.

Jennifer Van Elk has been a professional photographer for nine years. After graduating from college, she found great enjoyment in leading mentorship for young aspiring photographers and continues to do so through her brands Jennifer Van Elk Photography & Bespoke Tone.

@ASHLEYMARYART ASHLEYMARY.COM

@HALEYJORDAN12

@JENNVANELKPHOTO JENNIFERVANELK.COM

12 featured contributors

Petra Eriksson I L LUS T R ATO R

Petra Eriksson is an illustrator from Sweden, currently based in Barcelona. She’s known for her colour combinations, portraits and use of patterns. Her client list includes companies and magazines like The New Yorker, Apple, Pinterest and The New York Times. She’s also one of the founding members of HER Barcelona, part of HER Global Network, an international female community.

Olivia Smith WA R D RO B E

S T Y L I S T

Olivia Smith has been a professional wardrobe stylist for five years at The Finish Line, HQ. Her work has been featured digitally, in stores, print ads, editorials and on national social media channels. Olivia has been a professional speaker for a Purdue business class and has talked on an Indianapolis-based podcast.

Dlang Ferguson W R I T E R

Denisha “Dlang” Ferguson is the creator and executive director of Indiana Fashion Week. At the age of 15, she produced her first fashion show as a way to provide a platform for creators to showcase their work. Her heart for fashion and for people has aided her in garnering over 20 years of expertise in research, project management and design within the industry.

@_OLIVIAXS OLIVIASMITHSTYLE.COM @PETRAERIKSSONSTUDIO PETRAERIKSSON.COM

@INDIANFASHIONWEEK INDIANFASHIONWEEK.COM

Lauren Park

Allison Tylek

Danielle Morgan

D ES I G N E R

P H OTO G R A P H E R

I L LUS T R ATO R

Lauren is a visual designer based in San Francisco. She’s worked in many areas of design, from branding to media to editorial. She likes to tell stories through design with fun, beautiful yet meaningful things.

PARKLAUREN.COM

Allison Tylek is an art director, photographer and creative professional where she specializes in photography and design.

@AL.CATHERINE ALLISONCATHERINE.COM

Danielle Morgan spent six years at the University of Victoria studying the intersections of art, technology and design. She now lives in Stockholm and splits her time between her academic and illustration careers. She works digitally because she enjoys the immediacy but feels more attached to her work when she paints with gouache and ink.

@DANIELLEMORGANSTUDIO DANIELLEMORGAN.ORG

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Cassidy Carman H A I R

S T Y L I S T

Cassidy is a licensed cosmetologist who has been working with all hair textures for four years. Coming from a small town, her goal was to grow, prosper and succeed, and she is now her own boss.

Nicole Rodriguez

Eglė Plytnikaitė

P H OTO G R A P H E R

I L LUS T R ATO R

Nicole is an editorial and lifestyle photographer located in Indianapolis. She is passionate about raw emotion, chasing the things that make you feel alive and embracing humanness. In a world full of polished and curated content, Nicole seeks to document the beauty of real life.

Eglė Plytnikaitė is a freelance illustrator and creative based in Vilnius, Lithuania. Her works are minimal, colorful and conceptually driven. Eglė frequently works on a range of social, editorial and commercial projects for a diverse range of clients and has had her works featured by Communication Arts, Capsules Book, Popshot Magazine and many others.

@_CASSIDYCARMAN @ _NICOLE_RODRIGUEZ_ NICOLEMRODRIGUEZ.COM

@EGLE.PLYTNIKAITE EGLE.PLYTNIKAITE.COM

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Morgan Sterns D ES I G N E R

Morgan is a visual designer and art director based in California. She’s always believed that how you climb a mountain is more important than reaching the top, or in her design experience, it’s not about the finished product but rather learning from the creative process that got you there.

Temara Payton M A K E U P

A R T I S T

Temara “T” Payton is an Indianapolis-based model/ pro MUA. With her theatre roots, Temara’s multi-faceted professional experience ranges from acting and creative directing to product development and entrepreneurship. She is the founder of Eighty One Face and Body, an all natural, gender neutral skin care line.

MORGANSTERNS.COM @TEMARAPAYTON @ EIGHTY_ONE_FACE_AND_BODY

Holly Andres P H OTO G R A P H E R

Holly Andres is known for her stylized cinematic scenarios often inspired by her own childhood experiences. Andres regularly photographs editorial and fashion assignments for prestigious publications such as The New York Times Magazine, TIME, The New Yorker, Wired and Bloomberg Businessweek. Her fine art has been reviewed in major publications such as Art in America, Artforum, Exit Magazine and American Photo.

@HOLLYANDRES HOLLYANDRES.COM

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Sexuality

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+ Identity

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FINDING BEAUTY What they don’t tell you when you’re young words by jennifer thompson photos by nicole rodriguez

I am 40. For some reason that’s not always easy to say. Maybe it’s the emphasis society places on youth. Could it be that I’m a vain person who has lived a lifetime of being completely in the dark about my own vanity? Or is it possible that I am afraid of growing old and not living up to my full potential? If I had to guess, it’s probably a little bit of all of the above wrapped in one little box of self-doubt and insecurity. Whether intentional or unintentional, society places value on youth. And it is possible to get lost in the notion that somehow you aren’t something after a certain age. What that something is, I’m not sure. Maybe that you aren’t as pretty. As smart. As sexy. As witty. As in-the-know. As cool. And sometimes, that notion gets reinforced. Take last weekend. I was attending a concert with some friends when a young man, who apparently had never heard of the unwritten rule that you never ask a woman her age, asked my friend how old she was. When she replied with 36, his response was a shocking, “you should feel lucky. Most women go downhill at 30.” Wow. That was bold. And awful. We advised him to never say that to a woman again.

At that moment, his comment reinforced the negative and false perception I had brought with me to that concert. If I’m being honest, I had been toting around that false perception to a lot of places lately. It was that aging isn’t beautiful. Every wrinkle on your body represents an expression of your past. A part of you. It shows where you have been time and time again. A crinkle around the eye formed from laughter. A mark of worry between your brows. Lines on the forehead from eyes lifted high in surprise, enthusiasm, and wonder. Lines formed by the corners of your mouth; proof of a lifetime of smiles. Stretch marks as a silent reminder of the precious gift of carrying life. And beyond the beauty of the body, there is the beauty of the mind. A mind filled with memories of past experiences that hopefully result in wisdom. A mind that carries confidence and no longer feels the need to prove anything. A mind like a card catalog filled with story after story, waiting for the perfect moment to be pulled out and shared. And let’s not forget the beauty of the heart. As the years pass, our hearts carry memories of relationships, past and present. We learn from rejection and loss. Our heartache catapults us toward grief and eventually healing. Healing that we can now share with others whose hearts are breaking. Our hearts expand as people come into our lives and we learn there is never too much love to give. When I’m struggling with that three-word sentence, I am 40, I need to remember these three words instead, “aging is beautiful. Wherever you may find yourself on the spectrum of life, whether you have just entered adulthood or are well on your way, I hope you are able to embrace all of your past years, live your present day to the fullest and look to your future with great anticipation. It’s time to embrace that truth.

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UNSA N C TION E D SPL E NDO R Caroline Federle’s “Unsanctioned Splendor” explores the complexity of female genitalia

words by dominique stewart design by lauren park

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personal narratives

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There was a blueprint. An unshakable ideology that clouded our minds when it came to genetalia. More specifically, the vagina. So much so that as a whole, we were stagnant in the beliefs surrounding how it should look and smell. Any deviation was rejected. And talks of taste, trauma, mutilation, ownership, desire and who could have one were deemed repugnant. Even today, the conversations would be considered taboo by those who police them. And any art would be a mere act of rebellion.

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personal narratives

sexuality + identity

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â&#x20AC;&#x153;

UNVEILED BEFORE THE PUSSY GRABBING

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personal narratives

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Caroline Federle does just that in her work, “Unsanctioned Splendor.” Her use of delicate fabrics against sharp tools to create subtle depictions of the vulva is a commentary on the sheer existence and complexity of female anatomy. Unveiled before the pussy grabbing, 45th president made his way into office, Federle’s work acts as a resistance to societal norms of modesty and sexuality.

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FEDERLEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S WORK ACTS AS A

RE SISTAN CE T O SOC IA L N OR M S O F M OD E STY A ND SEXUALITY.

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Federle’s collection is reminiscent of Georgia O’Keeffe’s flower paintings in that it challenges perceptions we commonly hold about women and their intentions. Despite her denial that the paintings were in any way erotic, O’Keeffe’s flower study was pigeonholed as being covertly sexual by male perceptions of female complexity. Thus, Federle forces one to reexamine their own presumptions of what femininity means and how it should look and feel, and demands those to grab a mirror and play along.

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how to raise a

Feminist Daughter By Eglė Plytnikaitė

When I first received “Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, I didn’t expect much from such a tiny publication. They say don’t judge a book by its cover, and now I would like to add and its size. This book might be tiny but it’s sharp, eye-opening and right to the point. It’s an essence of feminism and a great suggestion on how the next generation should be raised. I wasn’t raised to be a feminist, I was raised to be a good girl – obedient, quiet, and nice to everyone. Chimamanda wrote about everything I was missing and inspired me to give my inner feminist more self-esteem and power. What’s more, “Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions” gave me many new insights and highlighted some old knowledge in a new contemporary way. So I decided to illustrate five suggestions I loved most. They might seem very simple and even basic, but fully incorporating them into my lifestyle became a great task. I hope it will inspire others to grow their inner feminists as well.

pictured right: Encourage her to do sports

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Never tell her that she should or shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2DC;t do something because she is a girl

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Talk to her about sex

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Teach her to read

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Teach her to reject likeability

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Restoring Feminine Energy How to celebrate femininity as a fearless woman now words by stephanie renner illustrations by emma hartsfield

Many ancient societies not only accepted but celebrated femininity in humans. There is documentation of pre-patriarchal goddess societies all over the world. Women who were once venerated for their intuitive wisdom and healing abilities. Today, a pulse of female empowerment is resurfacing from the remnants of a repressed feminine. Many of us have lost the connection to our bodies and the earth as modern women, while the majority of men are struggling with a wounded inner feminine. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s time to empower the feminine in our world today by celebrating its contribution to spirituality, culture, and society. To do this, we must revive the mostly forgotten goddess tradition. There are many important healing practices in pre-patriarchal societies that we desperately need to integrate into our culture today.

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The goddess myths are rich with archetypes.

In order to heal, we can turn to ritual.

The universal truths from goddesses like Athena and Hestia are building blocks to self-understanding and healing our bodies and minds. They allow us to grow our intuitive nature and identify blessing and lesson in each experience.

To further develop our healing abilities, we can take our intuitive understanding of existence and channel it into purposeful ritual. Ritual is a powerful practice for setting intentions and embracing the process of change. Humanity is naturally inclined towards ritual because it marks our physical acts and allows us to process them in an experiential way.

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Cultivating a symbiotic relationship with nature is crucial. Another crucial aspect of goddess communities is cultivating a symbiotic relationship with nature. The divine feminine sought balance within all living things, not domination. If we can harness balance and a healthy, interdependent relationship with nature, we can create harmony in our world.

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We must remember that What happens when we are cyclical beings on a women are not taught how circular, repeating journey. to live in alignment with the lunar cycle? A cycle is the basic unit of life, evident in every life form, including lunar, solar and seasonal cycles. We cannot and should not be expected to live a consistent, linear life when nature itself has never behaved that way. If we can learn to notice the ebb and flow of cycles, we can tune into our sacred rhythms.

We must cultivate a supportive community of empowered women and men.

In ancient goddess cultures, it was understood that healing and When we stigmatize menstruation empowerment in each other was as “dirty” and taboo like most directly related to the collective cultures today, we become out of consciousness. “The Red Tent” was a sync and are thought to exhibit place where girls were initiated into a irrational behavior. In ancient times, community of empowered women, at menstruation was considered a start of their first menstrual cycle. magical process. The feminine way of the was a sacred tradition that taught interpreting social and cultural events Itgirls about ritual, ceremony and is to chart the cycles of nature and solidarity. their influence.

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Map of Myself By Manon Voice

Everything hurts though I can’t quite feel I learn to lean in my body’s pain body for the first time tender to the touch every nerve feels like a rocket I imagine every vein a bending highway every muscle a collapsed mountain every disc a worn rung I am forced to feel the doctor shows me my spine “reverse curvature” he says I am leaning the wrong way I want to know what happened to turn me around to set everything back but I know and I know and I know and I remember as he pricks me with fine needles that make my cells jump I feel everything the break in my knees my battered hip bones my incarcerated ribs the inversion of my cervical vertebrae I remember everything he asks does that hurt and how about now? I nod yes and no/and I remember the untouches too the holes the craters the dark matter the invisible space the galaxies undiscovered the missed the missed the missed the missed the missed the missed I remember arms folded inwards never towards hands and lips that never came close then I remember too close too close too close bad touch too close I look at my pelvis bones on the map of myself one lower than the other the doctor will call it by a name other than absence.

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F LOW E R P OW E R

Photographer

CHARLEE BLACK Producer

C ATE ROBE SON  PIC KE NS Art Director

AUBREY SMITH Make Up Artist

DANIELLE FRENCH GREGORY ROSE

Director’s

Note

Though ﬂowers offer a delicate scent and decorative touch, they also provide pollen to bees and oxygen to the air. They serve an integral purpose in the ecosystem, and it’s because of their effeminate features that they have this power.

Hairstylist

C A SS I DY C AR M AN Wardrobe Stylist

SARAH JENEHEY Models

A U B R E Y H E I F N E R (L MODE L Z) T A Y L O R M A R T I N E Z (H E LE N WE LL S) B A I L E Y C O L B Y (L MODE L Z) C H A N B R I E L C O O P E R (L MODE L Z)

Flowers may represent femininity, peace and tenderness, but that should never imply weakness. Our team showcases ﬂower arrangements on models to demonstrate femininity as a source of strength.

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Flower Power

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Mental

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+ Physical Health

The Con dition I C an‘ t Talk About The Condi I Can ‘t Ta About words by samantha stevenson illustration by ashley mary design by aubrey smith

I was dating my first boyfriend and the last thing I wanted to ask was if he had a sexually transmitted disease. I waited until I was in love. I waited until it felt right. Isn’t that what we were told to do? And yet, I was calling my mom from college, swallowing my pride to ask her if she knew what was wrong with me.

It hurt. Everything hurt. Sex was impossible. Thankfully, I have a mother who I can speak about things like this with. I asked, “is this normal?” She replied, “it’s just a yeast infection. Schedule an appointment.” Even that felt daunting. The only conversations I had ever had about yeast infections were that women like me didn’t get them because we weren’t “dirty.” My mom had scheduled all of my appointments until this point. Dentist, orthodontist, and yes that dreaded first gynecologist appointment. I picked up the phone and called the university clinic. I dreaded going, but I knew I couldn’t continue like this. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be a normal girl who had sex — was that so crazy? I didn’t know how to talk about it with my boyfriend. I wanted to be upfront and honest, and also you know, sexy and mysterious. This was anything but. When I first started having issues we hadn’t even had sex yet. How could I say, “yeah, I’m sorry I know we haven’t had sex or anything, but yeah whatever you did has ruined me.” I didn’t know if it was a ‘me’ problem or a ‘him’ problem. Really romantic stuff. I tried to tiptoe around it. “So, I have been having some issues…” “Issues?” “Uh, uh…down there.” From there I found myself bawling in his lap that I am not a normal girl and everything hurts and it’s broken, everything is broken and I keep getting yeast infections.

iti on alk

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56 mental + physical health

Then, the awkward part. “I’m sorry, but can you get tested? Yeah, that kind of test. And no, that doesn’t make you dirty.” I went to my first appointment at my university’s version of a doctor. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes they were very helpful, but other times their only expertise seemed to be in writing notes to get out of class and providing freshmen with the basics on STDs. I just wanted to be cured really. I wanted a “fix it” pill and to go on with my life. I was told I had a yeast infection. Easy fix. And then, when the feeling came back in about a month, I was diagnosed with another yeast infection. And another. And another. “Some people are just more prone to getting them,” they said. My mom said the same thing. I was doing everything right. I wore Fruit of the Loom cotton undies, while my lacey thongs sat in my drawer. I didn’t use scented products. I even started taking a probiotic to prevent yeast. Finally one of the university’s doctors suggested a culture to see what yeast I had present. It came back with little to none. Definitely not enough for a yeast infection. She told me she had an idea of what I had and didn’t want to scare me. But she’d like me to see a specialist. The specialist was across town, and I and my wounded pride drove to finally figure out what was so wrong. At first, the specialist said it could be one of two things. HPV or Lichen Sclerosus. I scrambled through Google as he left the room and decided I was hoping it was neither. He said he wanted to do a biopsy just to be sure. I knew the term, but I could not have prepared myself for the pain the numbing gel merely subsided. The results came in. I finally had an answer and a name for the pain and discomfort I was feeling. Lichen Sclerosus. It is usually found in women after menopause. Lucky me. It is a rare chronic condition that causes white patches of skin on the body, and in some cases, the genitals. It isn’t a sexually transmitted disease. It isn’t contagious. No one is sure about the cause, although there are theories about genetics, an immune disorder, trauma or a previous infection. He didn’t know why I had it. It can cause the architecture of the vagina to collapse. It makes sex difficult as the vaginal canal narrows, and I could lose my labia minora. I hadn’t been attached before, but I was definitely attached now. It hadn’t done any damage yet. I was lucky. It could be stopped or only last for a couple of years. But it could also be lifelong. I left the doctor’s office that day feeling so completely gross. I had a disorder, and I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. What would my boyfriend think? I wondered what my mom would say. I felt disgusting and full of shame. I felt like I had done something to deserve the disorder. I even began to think that I would never be able to have sex like a normal person. I thought

I left the doctor’s oﬃce that day feeling so completely gross.

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my boyfriend would leave, or never touch me again. He was supportive and so understanding. He held me as I cried. He is truly the reason I was able to cope with it. My mom scheduled me a second opinion appointment back home. This doctor told me the same thing. I asked her what I am sure she thought was an odd question. I wasn’t sure if my vagina had changed. I searched Google and found images that made me bawl at night. I would then hold a tiny mirror and look at my vagina, searching for changes in the architecture and comparing myself to the images on Google and then, to images of “normal” vaginas. I either wanted reassurance or a sign that I was different. So, I asked the gynecologist if I looked normal down there. She laughed with this smile that made me feel like she had heard this many times. She didn’t hesitate. She said I had a completely normal vagina and if I stayed on track with my medicine, it would prevent things from changing. She said I might not even need it one day. I left hopeful. I felt normal, not like the weird health case I condemned myself as before. It is coming up on a year since I was diagnosed. That kind of language makes it sound like I have cancer. But when I first found out, I am sure I would have told you the diagnosis was fatal. It’s not. I search the Internet for information about it often. Probably too often. There is almost nothing. I found a few chat groups where women had exchanged experiences. My heart goes out to those who have had worse experiences with Lichen Sclerosus. But I keep coming to the same conclusion, everyone with this condition feels alone. They feel like they are a freak. They feel undesirable and like their womanhood has been taken from them. I found a Tumblr page run by a girl a year younger than me documenting her experience and looking to connect with others who have Lichen Sclerosus. She wrote about realizing she will never be able to have a normal sex life or even sex at all. I would be her if I began showing symptoms a year before I did. I reached out. I told her sex is very much possible. Yeah, there are moments when it doesn’t work and you cry and feel so undesirable. But there are also periods when it is amazing and normal. There are days I don’t even remember I have Lichen Sclerosus. With medicine and good vaginal health habits, it is not a life sentence to an awful, uncomfortable sex life. I am coming to terms with discussing the diagnosis. Not with everyone, obviously, but I often encourage my friends to talk about their vaginas and sex because they may feel they can’t talk to their moms about everything. If something feels wrong, absolutely go to the doctor and get checked. But sometimes you just want a casual conversation with friends like, “hey, I can’t figure out why this doesn’t feel right. Have you ever experienced that?” And maybe if we open up and ask these questions every once in a while, women will stop feeling like they can’t talk about their vaginas.

I left hopeful. I felt normal, not like the weird health case I condemned myself as before.

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ENLISTING IN THE

Booty Army In conversation with The Fitness Marshall questions by haley jordan photo by robert rittman

“I think the majority of the audience are women because they are often the ones forced to conform to the standards society has put in place for women, mothers and wives,” Caleb Marshall said. “I feel as if there aren’t many places where these people can go, mentally or physically to break free from all of the expectations and rules.”

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Haley Jordan: Do you think people use your videos for more than just exercise? Caleb Marshall: Absolutely. I have so many emails I’ve saved from people telling me how the videos have helped them through anxiety, depression, miscarriage, divorce, abuse, HIV, infertility, cancer, suicide, etc. I think the majority of people who do these videos do them because they want to escape from reality. It’s less about losing weight or getting fit and more about mental rejuvenation. I always joke and say it’s like going to church but it really is. It’s a spiritual experience for a lot of people. Dance is so powerful and many people don’t feel as if they are worthy enough to participate in dance. The Fitness Marshall gives normal everyday people an opportunity to dance without fear or insecurity. When these people get to experience the power of dance, healing happens.

laugh. They said the Fitness Marshall is what got her through the 12 hours leading up to surgery.

HJ: Why is it that so many women say these videos give them confidence? CM: Women are often wearing many hats. They have jobs, husbands, kids, households, clubs, committees, councils, etc. They live in a world where they have to be everything for everyone. A lot of times that means they don’t have time to be there for themselves. Their bodies, confidence and overall well-being get put on the back burner. These videos give women a space to let go and celebrate themselves. It’s a time for them and them alone. No distractions, no judgment, no standards. It’s a place where they are allowed to let their freak flag fly and not feel bad about it.

HJ: How do you think mental and physical health are related? CM: I’ll just say from personal experience, I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for me being physically active. I struggle with my mental health a lot. I’ve had generalized anxiety and panic attacks for a few years now, and the only thing that calms me down is movement. It’s very hard to have a clear mind if you aren’t taking care of your body. It’s also hard to take care of your body if you aren’t taking care of your mind. They both feed each other. You can’t focus on one and not the other or you will crash.

HJ: What are some of your favorite stories your subscribers have shared with you? CM: There was an eight-year-old girl named Maddie who had a brain tumor. She had to go into surgery and was obviously extremely scared. One of their family friends showed Maddie the Fitness Marshall for the first time and it changed everything. Not only did it calm her, it made her

HJ: How have women impacted your life? CM: Women have shaped me almost entirely. I was extremely close to my mother and grandmother growing up. I think being gay made me gravitate toward women because I identified more with their feminine energy. I surrounded myself with female friends, teachers and looked up to famous women. I have always been fascinated with female power. Their gentleness, wit, ability to seduce, strength, courage, and resourcefulness. Women are truly magical creatures that know exactly how to adapt to their environment in order to survive. I studied this ability and did my best to adapt it. Women taught me how to succeed in a world that was not built for me.

HJ: What is the energy like during your live shows? CM: Magic. There is nothing that can compare to the energy of a crowd of TFM fans. Everyone is there for the same reason. Everyone wants to feel validated and comfortable in their own skin. Everyone is there to lift each other up and support one another. It’s the most positive, powerful and courageous energy you could imagine. It’s impossible not to feel.

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FUTURE FRIENDS

FUTURE FRIENDS HOLOGRAPHIC MAGIC CLUB IS AN ANTI-FASCIST, CONTEMPORARY ART COLLECTIVE THAT EMPHASIZES PLACING MARGINALIZED VOICES AT THE CENTER TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES FREELY THROUGH VISUAL ARTS, FILM, MUSIC, POETRY, AND PERFORMANCE.

FUTURE FRIENDSâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; MISSION IS TO FORGE AN ACCESSIBLE LOCAL COMMUNITY FOR ARTISTS, ACTIVISTS, AND THE INDIANAPOLIS YOUTH. FUTURE FRIENDS HOLOGRAPHIC MAGIC CLUB IS SPECIFICALLY INTERESTED IN SUPPORTING WORKS THAT SPEAK TRUTHS THAT MANY GALLERIES MAY CONSIDER TOO HARSH OR UNPLEASANT TO SUPPORT DUE TO THE OBLIGATION TO MAINTAIN THE CIS-, WHITE-, HETERO-, CAPITALIST PATRIARCHY.

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R EA L WO M E N A RE Rebranding the body positivity movement to be more diverse words by dlang ferguson photos by ruth yaro art direction by jana astrouski styling by olivia smith make up by temara peyton

We need to start talking about body diversity, simply because the body positivity movement isn’t as empowering as it sounds. Nor is it as impactful when considering the perceived exclusions and beliefs of what is beautiful. Body positivity is defined as having appreciation and acceptance for all body types, while body diversity is the actual representation of all body types, ethnicities, and experiences. We need to see representation of all types of people in the media in order to recognize the beauty in diversity, thus normalizing it. By only focusing on the appreciation, we exclude those who feel like they don’t fit a certain box. So models who embrace their body like Tess Holiday, will continue to receive backlash for their size because they don’t fit society’s perception of the ideal body. If the message was one that embraced body diversity, then any size could be seen without judgement. According to the DoSomething campaign, 91 percent of women are unhappy with their bodies and only five percent possess the ideal body type portrayed on TV. This tells us that the body positivity campaigns and conversations are not sticking, so we need a change in the messaging that shows their reality. I, like many, fell into the “do you think I look fat” trap after receiving a compliment from a friend. Or complaining about my weight as I compared it to peers and celebrities. There are things I don’t like about my body, but I have since realize how amazing

I am and have used my platform to promote the normalization of diverse bodies. Companies like All Womxn Project and Body Diversity LLC by Mercedez Cunanan are dedicated to doing just that by spreading body positivity, diversity, confidence, and inclusivity across social media. The All Womxn Project conducted a social media campaign encouraging women to post pictures of their “flaws.” This built a community of over 20,000 followers. Mercedez Cuman lead a body diversity photoshoot in Hawaii, bringing to the forefront beautiful women in a variety of sizes showing confidence, strength, and unity. The fashion industry, overall, still needs work. Making great fashion for all sizes, not just 0-12, would be a start. However, brands like Universal Standards and Chromat are strutting through the industry unapologetically showcasing diversity and individuality as beautiful, and it’s inspiring to see. In 2012, scientific journal Plos One published a study demonstrating the correlation between visuals shown to women of different body types. They found that women became more comfortable with their body when they saw a range in sizes of other women’s bodies. The study shows the impact diverse representation in the media can have. Body positivity and body diversity are often used separately, but both must work together. Body positivity is a state of being and a feeling of inner-confidence. Body diversity is the representation of the body’s outer state. It’s knowing this is who I am and how my body looks, and I love myself. So when we combine our outer with our inner, our power as a woman evolves. We embrace who we are and go into the world confidently.

Aubrey Smith

design by

J e n n i f e r Va n E l k

photos by

Steph Weber

words by

mental + phsyical physical health

The Comparison Game How to navigate social media without the mental toll

“o u r r e a l l i v e s a r e n’t a s c o o l a s w h a t ’s o n o u r s c r e e n s”

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I’m sitting on my couch, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram because my brain is fried from working a 16-hour day, when another perfect photo in Greece catches my eye. It’s followed by a picture of what I’d refer to as “popular girls” grabbing mimosas and another post promoting the same sweater I’ve already seen on six other accounts today.

Instagram and Facebook have been referred to as “highlight reels for the best moments in life.” We share photos in the perfect outfits, at the hottest dinner parties, and express our “wanderlust,” when the reality isn’t that perfect. Yes, you might have been invited to that exclusive dinner party but you only knew one person, the food was bland, and you spilled wine on yourself. Or maybe you were able to take that trip, but your luggage was lost and you spent half the time with a sinus infection. This, at least, is my reality. Social media makes it easy for us to play the comparison game. Shaming us to throw pity parties for ourselves because our real lives aren’t as cool as what’s on our screens. You always lose when you compare yourself to others. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, obsessively using social media has led to depression, anxiety and feelings of loneliness. “It is more than just the pressure of sharing things with others, it is also about how you may be comparing your life with others you see,” the piece states. “[People] can feel jealous, depressed or may even feel suicidal about their own life if it is not as “perfect” as those they see [online].” In my early years as an influencer, I couldn’t help but to get caught up with comparing my images, my partnerships, and even my content to others. I started imitating other people. I realized I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t creating content I loved. The content I was posting did not match my overall goals and mission for my social media presence and I wasn’t satisfied. I decided to start navigating my page, @TrendyinIndy, by sharing what I’m passionate about to help inspire others to share their own stories in a real, raw way.

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â&#x20AC;&#x153;wow, what an amazing opportunity

for herâ&#x20AC;?

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When I start to have negative thoughts about my life because of the content I’m absorbing, I ask myself “why?” Is it the same person I am doing this with over and over? Is it a lifestyle I’ll never live? What about the photo they’ve shared is causing me to question myself in a negative way? Here are a few things I do to keep a positive headspace when using social media:

Change your perspective. If I catch myself saying something negative, I turn it into a positive comment. Instead of “why is she getting to do that,” I say “wow, what an amazing opportunity for her.”

Follow people who align with your mission and goals. I enjoy following people who inspire me. I’ve learned what content I enjoy and what my audience enjoys. Jenna Kutcher is my go-to account when I’m looking for that “you’ve got this, girl” kick in the butt I need.

Absorb content that betters you. I like to indulge in content that moves me forward and makes me want to grow my business or be a better person. I also engage with this content so that the person or brand knows they are making a difference in my life.

Unfollow or hide content if I feel like a speciﬁc person is the root of my negative thoughts. I even do this with followers who are saying negative things to me.

Take a break and detox. Delete the app if you have to, but give yourself some time to disconnect every single day or even for a full weekend. The world will go on.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it. It’s an old adage, but very much relevant and something I truly believe on social media. An update to this: If you wouldn’t say it to them in person, don’t say it online.

Spread love. At the end of the day, this world is filled with critics and people who just want to hurt others. Be the change. Share messages of love, positivity and confidence. You can do this with your captions, but also with comments on posts and stories. In general, we need to stop living our lives by the number of likes we get and start focusing on what impact our content has on not only our audience, but on ourselves. Cheers to using social media to better ourselves and our world.

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BL AC K HEA LT H M AT T ERS The plight of black women in healthcare

words by ariana beedie illustration by ashley mary design by ashley bahney

Last year, I was involved in a car accident that strained and contorted my back. I went to the emergency room, only to have the doctor spend five minutes with me and ultimately recommend stretching, assuring me I would be “ just fine.”

do have coverage. Upon reading stories of medical students thinking black people do not experience, doctors rushing women out of beds after giving birth for lack of insurance, as well as, rude and purely racist treatment to black women for generations, it’s not hard to understand why these women often choose not to subject themselves to these potential traumas. According to a report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, black women have been dying from health complications at higher rates than white women for decades. They are more likely to die from cervical cancer than white women, and face higher mortality rates in childbirth.

As I explained what happened, he barely made eye contact and didn’t seem to care that I was clearly traumatized from getting T-boned. I left with nothing but a large bill and wondered, did he not think I was in pain because I’m black?

The CDC goes on to say that black women are three to four times more likely to die from childbirth than white women. NPR reports that this would put the maternal mortality rate for black women at 243 percent more than their white counterparts.

I currently work at a doctor’s office connecting people in underserved, predominantly black neighborhoods with resources. I stand outside food pantries, churches, community centers and interact with black women from different backgrounds. Many do not have insurance plans, and the ones that do suffer because the policies are often difficult to understand. Some lack the urgency to see the doctor even if they

There is no reason why black women in a first world country are dying at rates comparable to third world countries. Nor should going to the hospital result in a game of two truths and a lie in which you’re trying to figure out if you’ve been misdiagnosed. Racial disparities in healthcare are disregarding the lives of

Racial dispari care are dis the lives of b across inc education lin little to no opt who need i

ities in health sregarding black women come and nes, leaving tions to those it the most.

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black women across income and education lines, leaving little to no options to those who need it the most. Many factors are at play here, including doctors and nurses ignoring black women when it comes to their bodies. A year ago, professional tennis player Serena Williams shared how she almost died from complications of childbirth. She detailed to CNN how following the birth of her child, she alerted nurses of an extreme pain to which she requested they search further for the answer. After tests came back negative and reassurance from her doctors, she insisted for them to continue searching. They later found a pulmonary embolism, which is a condition in which one or more arteries in the lungs becomes blocked by a blood clot. Williams shares how the first six weeks of motherhood kept her bedridden as she continued to develop clots and undergo surgeries to prevent them from traveling to her lungs and heart. This is a common experience for women of color, though most don’t have access to the resources afforded to Williams. Shalon Irving, an epidemiologist for the CDC, died from complications of childbirth. Irving, who was well informed on the medical industry, wasn’t able to gain access to proper medical care.

With my work in healthcare, I’ve heard of doctors telling black women they ask too many questions, that they shouldn’t worry about certain symptoms nor offer certain routes of treatment. Many doctors don’t offer these procedures due to a racial bias or a lack of resources in these predominantly black communities, but also, because black patients are believed to be without insurance or like in my case, their pain is not taken seriously. Healthcare is just one of the many stresses of existing in a black, female body. Discrimination in the workplace, the murder of unarmed black people, income disparities and just plain antiblackness is enough to kill anyone. So for an institution that is meant to treat and care for those in need of medical service to perpetuate this same cycle of abuse is criminal. It’s time we take charge of our healthcare by asking questions and researching local black doctors. To ensure our survival, we must take charge because we can’t wait on policy change. We’ve got to take our power back.

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It’s time we take charge of our healthcare by asking questions and researching local black doctors. To ensure our survival, we have to take charge because we can’t wait on policy change. We’ve got to take our power back.

PANIC CI T Y Taking up residence on the bathroom floor WORDS: JORDAN THOMAS PHOTOS: KELLY KAMROWSKI MODEL: KITTY COLLINS DESIGN: MORGAN STERNS

When I think back on the worst moments of my illness, I think of bathroom floors. Sitting on them. Staring at them. Waiting for nausea to either pass or exit up my esophagus. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the place where I found myself on my knees, surrendering my stomach once again. Lingering during moments of recovery, I saw all the small, unsettling details: pubic hair and toenail clippings, tattered toilet paper, dead bugs, the fine layer of grime in the edges and corners no one ends up cleaning. Bathroom floors didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seem so gross or unwelcoming when I was in that state. In fact, they felt like comfortable friends. The faded linoleum was just as low and messy as I was, and the buzz in my brain was too distracted to care.

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The oldest of five in a Christian homeschooling family from Indiana, I grew up exuberant and happy like most children. I was creative and adventurous, but sensitive. And was considered mature for my age. At age 10, I started to feel sad after my family moved to a new city. And while I didn’t have the coping skills or language to understand what it was, I know now that I was experiencing a depression that continued to stew under the surface for the majority of my life. Pushed deep down and covered up tight. If I had not gotten involved in performing arts upon entering the ninth grade in public school, I’m not sure where I’d be. I remember feelings of anxiety during this time as I was adjusting from homeschool to public school. I hardly ate then. But the long rehearsals and late nights during those four years kept me preoccupied. Any open moments were quickly filled with a soccer season or volunteering at an art organization. I stayed busy as often as I could not only because I liked it, but because when I did not, the low, dark feelings would return. As I grew up, my sensitive nerves subsided but the physical tension and agitation in my chest increased. This would be coupled with a worsening eating disorder that surfaced when I was nervous or severely anxious. Despite these ongoing symptoms, I fell in love with the stimulation and constant movement I found in college life. I was an ever-inspired, wide-eyed art student, captivated by everything I was learning, exposed to new worlds for the first time. I gave tours at the art museum, began doing and teaching yoga, studied abroad in Spain, spent summers in Chicago and San Diego, got a minor in theatre, sang with a choir, continued private voice lessons, and even had a very brief stint in a dance troupe. This joyful, harried existence was only interrupted periodically in short spurts when I’d have a

I K N O W N O W T H AT T H I S I S C A L L E D D E R E A L I Z AT I O N , WHICH JUS T ME ANS YOUR MIND IS C ON VIN CED OF U N R E A L I T I E S, A N D I T ’S P RE T T Y C OMMON AMONGS T S U F F E R E R S O F VA R I O U S T YP E S OF MEN TA L IL L NE S S.

particularly bad bout of anxiety, and once, a severe depressive episode. But I didn’t know what to do about it, so I just kept moving. Unsure of what else to do with my life after college, I went straight to graduate school, moving to Illinois and quickly regaining my breakneck busy lifestyle. My academic load and financial burden had increased, and I was trying to make new friends in a new city. Looking back, it’s no wonder I finally broke.

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One evening during my second semester of grad school, I found myself sitting on the beige carpeted floor in the small space between the desk and the bed in my apartment, staring at the floor, paralyzed. That day feels blurry like a dream that only barely remains in my memory. It’s hard to describe the sensation of going crazy, but that’s how it seemed. I wasn’t sure how I would ever move from that spot or how life would continue in general. I felt more helpless than

I knew was possible. That was the beginning of a long and convoluted journey for me, during which my entire sense of self and my bearings in the world were stripped down and reconstructed. Panic symptoms look different for each person. It doesn’t always look like what you would think. In actuality, lots of people, myself included, experience panic in a more internalized way like physical symptoms that mimic other illnesses. Panic

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existed anywhere. I know now that this is called derealization, which just means your mind is convinced of unrealities.

attacks are also different from anxiety attacks. In an ABC News interview with Dr. Cathy Frank, she stated that “[during] an anxiety attack, people may feel fearful, apprehensive, may feel their heart racing or feel short of breath, but it’s very shortlived, and when the stressor goes away, so does the anxiety attack. Panic, on the other hand, doesn’t come in reaction to a stressor. It’s unprovoked and unpredictable.” Prior to that first panic attack in my grad school apartment in 2015, I’d had anxiety attacks, but not panic attacks. Since then I’ve had some time to learn about my body, my symptoms, and other factors that make it more likely for me to have an attack. During my worst panic attacks, I experienced gastrointestinal distress. That’s just a fancy way to say I felt like my stomach was trying to simultaneously evacuate at both ends as if I had a virus. At its worst, my body would go cold and I would shake and throw up uncontrollably. The entire world felt surreal and I had the overwhelming sense that nothing good

During those three to nine months I’ve come to call Panic City, all was upside-down and directionless. I had to quit grad school and move home against my will. The people around me didn’t seem to know what to do to help or support me, any more than I knew how to help myself. I continued to have panic attacks accompanied by a sustained undercurrent of depression. I tried different therapists, tried a medication that made me feel worse, forced myself to eat, and yes, found myself on the bathroom floor more times than I could count. I developed a mild case of agoraphobia and was wildly averse to being left alone. It was like all of the uncomfortable emotions I’d pushed down for my entire life were springing out, a fountain of sadness and pain I couldn’t control no matter how hard I tried. Being alone meant I was less easily distracted from that surge, and being in public amongst strangers meant being embarrassed by my dysfunction. However, I think that that ugly, empty time of my life was the best thing that could have happened to me because I learned to sit with my pain. I learned how to make my lower emotions into a friend. It’s almost laughable how easily I can type that last line now, when my journey to healing was so convoluted and agonizing.

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B U T F O R M E , M A K I N G S PA C E T O C O U R A G E O U S LY S I T W I T H M Y E MOT IONS AND SYMP T O M S E X A C T LY A S T H E Y A R E H A S B E E N A L I F E - A LT E R I N G PR AC T ICE

Four years later, I’m able to function normally. I’m on medication and have a diagnosis that helps me to understand illness. I’m actually grateful for this illness that affects my everyday life. I didn’t successfully move to an actual new city when I graduated college, but my time spent trapped in Panic City taught me so much about life and growth that I might as well have. My first great therapist taught me many things, but most important was this: everything in your body works together. It took me a while to stop isolating my mental state from my physical health. This is why I recommend “First, We Make the Beast Beautiful” by Sarah Wilson. You’ll learn that allowing the beast of mental illness to exist within you isn’t giving up,

or accepting defeat. It’s making friends with the bathroom floor. It’s subversive, unexpected. It’s turning that which you hate the most into something that you allow to exist, which is taking back your power. Today my life is still not perfect or pristine, but I am now somehow able to coexist with heartbreaking messiness, and that has been the biggest, most surprising of gifts. There are still some situations that can cause me to have a panic attack or exist in a sensitized state for a few days. But I’m not where I was before, and because I’ve learned to listen to my body and have made peace with my darkness, I know I’ll never be there again.

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M I SCONDUCT F RO M D O CTOR S When the boundaries of the doctor-patient relationship are broken words by miller kern photos by charlee black make up by gregory rose wardrobe styling by heidi wieland design by ashley bahney

In 2016, The Indianapolis Star broke the story about former USA Gymnastics doctor, Larry Nassar’s history of sexual abuse. The story exploded as more than 250 women came forward with allegations of abuse against Nassar. Higher-ups within USA Gymnastics and Michigan State University, where Nassar was an osteopathic physician, have been accused of enabling and failing to prevent sexual assault by Nassar. Two sisters, Tasha and Jordan Schwikert filed civil suits against the U.S. Olympic Committee and USA Gymnastics for their mishandling of the allegations. Another set of sisters, Morgan, Lauren, and Madison Margraves, also testified against Nassar. One in four women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime, according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Because of this and Nassar’s status and access to families, it’s

not surprising that some of the victims are related. In October 2017, during the wake of the #MeToo movement, my aunt Jenny wrote a blog post about the sexual assault she experienced, particularly an instance with a doctor. My mom commented on the post sharing a story of mistreatment she received from a doctor, ending with #MeToo. Jen’s post and my mom’s comment got me thinking about my own interactions with doctors and how heartbreaking it is that two of my close family members experienced sexual misconduct from doctors.

* * * At 16, my skin was a huge insecurity for me, so my mom scheduled a dermatologist appointment. My first visit was with a male doctor. He told me he was going to take a close look at my face to see what kind of acne I was dealing with. Though the closing gap of personal space was a bit uncomfortable, I felt fine about it. He started touching my face and swiping his hands across my cheeks. Suddenly his hands were down my shirt. No warning. My mind and body froze. I didn’t know if I should say something or trust that this was normal procedure. After his hands were already under my top, my doctor explained that he was feeling for acne on my chest to see if I would need a prescription-strength body wash.

His explanation made sense, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being violated. I was a young girl who was already uncomfortable in my body. Having an adult man whom I had just met shove his hands down my shirt made me feel extremely uncomfortable. My mind would have been more at ease had he first asked or explained what he was about to do. I only went back to the dermatologist a few more times. Being there just never sat well with me after that first appointment. My case is a very mild example of the violating or uncomfortable experiences women and girls often experience with a doctor. In a survey of nearly 500 women conducted by Women’s Health and RAINN (the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network), 27 percent reported that they had been violated by a doctor. These violations include obscene comments, masturbation, inappropriate touching, and rape. However, physician sexual misconduct often goes under or unreported, so the actual number is likely much higher. Sexual misconduct can come from a doctor in different forms. It doesn’t always have to include touching of the genitals. It also can occur in any sort of medical setting, not just in a situation where the patient may be undressed. According to RAINN, there are procedures that are acceptable and not acceptable when undergoing an examination of private areas. The standard procedure includes an examiner explaining what they will be doing, using gloves, and only asking a patient to undress if it is necessary for the examination. This is where my dermatologist went wrong. While he didn’t explicitly touch me inappropriately, he didn’t let me know when and where he would be moving his hands.

If a doctor violates any of the aforementioned procedures, the patient should speak up. Knowing when and how to speak up can be tricky, though. Many women don’t say anything, which could be because they don’t know how or they’ve tried to rationalize and downplay the incident.

* * * After giving birth to one of my cousins, my aunt noticed something felt a bit different when she was inserting her tampon. She said she wasn’t overly alarmed, but contacted her OBGYN for an appointment to be sure everything was healing properly. The appointment started like any other—she was uncomfortable with her feet up in stirrups while wearing nothing but a paper robe. Her male doctor began with an examination to make sure everything was all right. He said all was good, so Jen thought, Awesome, time to go. But then the doctor began running his fingers around her genitals while explaining each part to her—a full grown woman who just gave birth to her second child. “This is your outer labia,” he said as he traced his finger slowly around the edge. And again, “This is your inner labia.” I don’t like this.

Then, “this is your clitoris,” he said as he began rubbing her. It didn’t last long, but it didn’t have to. My aunt felt violated. She stared at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears from falling. She was silently begging for him to stop and leave the room so that she could get up and run out. Her insides were yelling, but no sound was coming out. “If he wanted to explain my anatomy to me, there are plenty of posters and life-size models laying around the office he could have used. He could have just done the exam, had me sit up and then get out a diagram or a picture,” Jenny said. “There are so many other ways that appointment should have gone.” Eventually, the doctor did leave and Jenny booked it out to her car and sat and sobbed. What happened? Did I make it up? Was that for real? Is this what doctors do? “It took me a while to realize that what he did was not okay,” Jenny said. “He was my doctor and I trusted him and because of that, I believed I was the one who must be wrong. The one who must be exaggerating.” She never went back to that doctor again and the office never called to check back up on her, which Jen thought was odd. It can be paralyzing to say something at the moment, so it’s also OK to speak up after the fact.

* * *

My mom was experiencing pain in her tailbone that was so unbearable she wasn’t able to sleep. After eight months she finally decided to see a doctor for it. She saw a doctor who took X-rays but couldn’t see anything wrong. So she was sent to physical therapy, which didn’t help. At the time, my grandma was head of the emergency room at Parkview Hospital in Fort Wayne before she retired, so she set up an appointment for my mom with a doctor she knew. He was an ER doctor, so it wasn’t a typical appointment. He also wasn’t going to charge my mom. She was just going to stop by the hospital to have him look at her back. When she got there he told her to take her pants off and lie face down on the hospital bed. She wasn’t expecting to have to undress, so she had a thong on. But she obliged and took her pants off and covered herself with the bedsheet. When the doctor came in, he pulled back the sheet and said, “I like seeing one of these,” as he snapping her underwear. She was mortified, but something in her head didn’t fight back. Don’t overreact, he’s doing you a favor. He then pulled her legs apart and sat in between them. My mom remembers thinking, What is going on? Stop him. But she did nothing. He moved her legs around and completely exposed her for about five minutes, then said he couldn’t see anything wrong but would prescribe her some pain medicine. My mom, being the people-pleaser that she is, thanked the doctor for seeing her while internally screaming. He stood up, smacked her butt and said, “honey, with an ass like that it was my pleasure.” My mom sat there stunned. She wanted to cry. She could hear him outside the door talking with my grandma, saying, “if it continues to hurt her, I will probe her where the sun doesn’t shine.” My mom got dressed, went out to my grandma and said, “let’s

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THE EXAMINER SHOULD Explain each part of the exam before and while it is happening get out of here right now.” My mom shared the details of the appointment with her mom as they walked to the car. My grandma responded by saying, “oh, he’s just playing around I’m sure.” She didn’t take it seriously. The next day my grandma saw the doctor at work and he told her how much he enjoyed looking at my mom’s butt. After that, my grandma took it seriously and filed a complaint against the doctor. The regret lingers within my mom for not stopping the misconduct as it was happening. “I was so upset that I didn’t stand up for myself and let him do that to me,” my mom said. Often times these incidents go unreported because of the respected roles doctors play in society. Deemed as experts, they are able to hide under a shroud of trust and power; breaching an unspoken boundary between patient and doctor. Though they aren’t the only ones complicit. They navigate in a system that allows them to abuse. In 2016, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution published the “Doctors & Sex Abuse” project. In the series, they reported that in states like Georgia and Kansas two out of three doctors were allowed to return to practice after being disciplined. In Minnesota, it was four out of five. And out of the 2,400 doctors publicly disciplined for sexual misconduct, the AJC reported that half still had active medical licenses. As more sexual abuse scandals appear in the news it’s important to remember that these are not isolated events that we read about every once in a while. This sort of thing happens on all sorts of scales on a regular basis. It’s happened to three women in my close family alone—and we’re just the ones who are openly vocal about it.

Use gloves Encourage patients to speak up if something feels wrong Only ask a patient to undress the part of his or her body that is being examined

THE EXAMINER SHOULD NOT Refuse to answer questions or tell the patient to be quiet Examine private parts without gloves Refuse to disclose what they are doing and why they are doing it Decline a patient’s request to have another person in the examination room Insist a patient undresses a part of his or her body that is not being examined Ask uncomfortable questions about a patient’s sexual activity

Oftentimes these incidents go unreported because of the respected roles doctors play in society.

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Culture

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+ Relationships

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Credits

Ambition on Fleek, Megan Broyles If you Say Sow, JJ Obee Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2DC;re In This Together, Danielle Morgan ONE, Penelope Dullaghan HER, Petra Eriksson Find Your Inner Peace, Val Davis Free the Uteri, Stephanie Renner Petal Power, Ashley Bahney

Brand Guidelines / Mellowbag

EM B R AC I N G HE R RO O TS 98 // 127

culture + relationships

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How one woman’s natural hair journey garnered a digital collective of naturalists from all over the country words by ainger alexander photography by allison tylek design by lauren park

With mainstream beauty ideals at the forefront of controversy in recent years, women are beginning to look for new approaches to cosmetics, hair care, and skincare — hair care especially.

growth of their own healthy hair with the assistance of protective styles and without the use of any chemical products. This movement led one woman to create a digital collective of natural hair enthusiasts from all over the country. Victoria Davis, owner of ClassyCurlies, created her site back in 2009 after falling in love with the look of big, natural, barrel curls. From there she documented her transition from relaxed to natural hair, recounting personal experiences, how-to’s, staple products and more. Davis is creating footprints for herself around Indianapolis and the Midwest, all while helping women achieve confident curls and a healthier lifestyle. From this, we’ve seen the rise of the Naturalista, a term used We sat down with Davis to talk about her natural hair primarily amongst black women who proudly promote the experiences, rising blog success, and creative process.

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Ainger Alexander: What does it mean to be “natural,” and why is advocacy for naturalistas important? Victoria Davis: Many women think of “natural hair” as simply embracing the hair texture you were born with. While this is true - and for many black women this means curly hair - I look at it a little differently. Being “natural” doesn’t just apply to your hair. It’s a lifestyle. It means living a healthier lifestyle and exposing yourself to fewer chemicals, like the harsh ones found in hair relaxers. Overall, this journey is extremely important for women with curly hair because, for most of us, we’ve grown up being told that our curls are “unacceptable,” “nappy,” “wild” and “unprofessional.” I love that women and some men are taking control and changing the stigmas we’ve been taught about curly hair. They are wearing locs, braids, and twist-outs in the workplace.

it focuses on inner beauty just as much. It’s about helping women feel good about themselves so they can walk, talk and act with confidence in their daily lives. I want them to be able to walk into a meeting to close that deal, know when to ask for help from their partners, be comfortable with their thoughts when they’re alone and to help other women along the way. I inspire them to feel beautiful, see their natural beauty on the outside and achieve their goals. AA: What are your top 3 favorite natural hair products or brands? VD: I’m more of a DIY hair product girl, but I love hair products from Honey Baby Naturals, Alaffia, WonderCurl, and Maui Moisture. AA: Can you describe your creative process? Talk about what inspires you, your routine, etc.

BEING “NATURAL” DOESN’T JUST APPLY TO YOUR HAIR. IT’S A LIFESTYLE.

AA: What accomplishments have you reached since starting ClassyCurlies? Likewise, what challenges do you face? VD: I don’t realize many of the accomplishments of the platform until I’m asked to sit down and think about them. One of the coolest events I was able to host was at a Sally Beauty store promoting the hair care brand, Creme of Nature. Earlier this year, I also received a business award from my former high school in Cleveland, where I was recognized during a ceremony. I’ve also been able to expand the brand to not just a blog, but a podcast, natural hair group and online DIY beauty school where they are able to create their own products using natural ingredients. One of the challenges I face is effectively managing my time because I have so much on my plate. I’m very organized and will do anything possible to get things done, but it can be a challenge at times when I need to unplug and slow down to take care of myself. It’s a constant grind that causes me to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to get started, and sometimes staying up late to tie up loose ends. I enjoy this platform so much, it’s hard to not work. AA: How does your blog serve the natural hair and beauty community? VD: ClassyCurlies serves women by not only giving women curly hair tips, it also provides healthy living content and selfconfidence lessons. As much as this brand is about outer beauty,

VD: The creative process starts when I find a problem many women are facing. I try to fix it in an unconventional way using techniques and ingredients that can be turned into a simple beauty fix. Once I focus on the problem I want to solve, I think about the easiest way to showcase the solution. That may be a piece of written content, a video, stop-motion, pictorial or another avenue. For example, I had tons of ladies truly invested in the health of their hair. They want to thicken it up, grow it, and achieve a healthy glow without chemicals. I shared my DIY Herbal Hair Rinse recipe using herbs many people aren’t familiar with. It’s both fun to make the recipe and educational to learn about plant-based ways to care for your hair. I get inspired by hearing the stories of other women. When I hear of someone overcoming life’s curveballs, it really makes me feel good and want to continue my own journey. AA: What have you learned about the natural beauty community and lifestyle? What’s most surprising to you? VD: I’ve learned that there is so much of a larger job to do. It seems as if some people are only aware of natural beauty to a certain extent, and then there is a wall. I love ripping down that wall and showing them there is so much more to learn about plant-based beauty care. There are so many ingredients to play around with. It still surprises me that companies are allowed to put as many false marketing claims on their products as they want. I found a product on the shelf the other day that was supposed to be avocado oil. When I looked at the ingredients, it didn’t have one drop of avocado oil in it. Not one! It was full of safflower oil and green food coloring. It was disgusting. AA: Is there are particular moment or memory that stands out for you since starting your journey? VD: Some years ago, while having a conversation with my dad about developing ClassyCurlies, he told me, “don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. No matter who it is.” That really stuck with me. Since then, I’ve moved forward with much more confidence in my own decisions. AA: What would you say to someone considering

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â&#x20AC;&#x153;

I GET INSPIRED BY HEARING THE STORIES OF OTHER WOMEN.

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VD: Be patient with yourself and take time to learn all you can about the new lifestyle you want to live. There are a lot of people out there willing to share knowledge. The transition will be much smoother the more you research to help set yourself up for success. AA: How has advocacy through blogging changed you? VD: It’s allowed me to open up and show my true personality. While I am still very much an introvert, many people don’t believe that. They see me online being confident and sometimes fearless.

NONE OF THAT DEVELOPED OVERNIGHT AND IT’S TRULY HELPED ME FIND MYSELF, EXPRESS MYSELF, DISCOVER MY PERSONAL VALUES AND USE THOSE THINGS TO HELP OTHERS.

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VISIT CLASSYCURLIES.COM F O R Y O U R N A T U R A L B E A U T Y A N D H E A LT H Y L I V I N G N E E D S .

@CLASSYCURLIES

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BAD DAT ES, WO R S E SEX Why I care (a little) about bad dates for men

words by brianna kirkham illustration by ashley mary design by aubrey smith

A couple of years ago a friend got me a laptop sticker that said “NO FAKE ORGASMS,” which adorned my MacBook until I got a real job. I was often the person in our friend group lecturing everyone to stop faking it during sex. “They’ll never learn what they’re doing wrong!” I’d shriek. “Don’t give them the satisfaction.” Most of my friends who faked getting off said they did it to make the sex end quicker, which is just so bleak. Every year I see a new survey or thinkpiece explaining how many, how often, and why women fake it - and while I’m proud to say I’ve never done that - I’m guilty of worse. I’ve agreed to have sex when I really didn’t want to. I did this for a lot of reasons, and all of them were stupid. Most of the time, these situations were rooted in bad dates and resulted in even worse sex. Recently, I’ve noticed more nuanced descriptions of bad dates and bad sex come up in mainstream conversations, including the viral New Yorker short story, “Cat Person.” The piece by Kristen Roupenian follows a college student who musters through an evening of bad sex with a man because she feels like it’s too late

to back out of it. When Babe.net published allegations against comedian Aziz Ansari, harmful bad dates were questioned again across media outlets. The #MeToo Movement has carved out room to discuss coercion, harassment and assault, all of which exist on the same “spectrum of harm,” a term coined by writer Ashley Ford. Women specifically may feel obligated to go through with sex at the end of a date because we’re conditioned to be polite. In hetero sex, it’s understood the probability of us actually enjoying it is low, and the patriarchy is happy to remind us that’s not the point. The man’s satisfaction is the only end goal here. I don’t think any organization or university research team has collected data on how many men and women agree to sex they don’t actually want to have, but the next closest measurable act would be coercion. The most recent CDC report on sexual violence defines coercion as unwanted sexual penetration that occurs after a person is pressured in a non-physical way. While 86 percent of male rape survivors in the U.S. were attacked by other men, 81 percent of men who reported coercion said their perpetrators were women. However, in total, more women reported coercion than men, about 13 percent compared to 5.8 percent. Toxic masculinity, I’m guessing, is one factor that pressures

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men to accept sex even if they aren’t into it. While men, of course, aren’t held to the same standards of manners as women, it is often reiterated to them in songs, shows, and movies that they should always want and enjoy sex. In pop culture, we only ever see men turn women away when they aren’t perceived as conventionally beautiful or sexy. And every time, it’s done at the expense and humiliation of the woman. In movies or TV shows, we never see men say “no” to sex just because he’s not in the mood, he’s tired or just because. The man I’m seeing once jokingly told a mutual friend he blacks out when we have sex to “avoid critique.” Self-deprecating humor is fine, but there’s no way I could make a similar quip without raising red flags. Some people prefer not to talk during sex, and that’s fine. Personally, I don’t get it, but it’s fine. I imagine being with a soft-spoken or shy partner can be nerve-racking. Not necessarily because it’s difficult to be the pursuer, but when the person you’re with doesn’t talk, there’s no real verbal affirmation or consent. Of course, there’s a difference between being shy and not consenting, so if the words “yes” or “no” haven’t been uttered yet, it’s important for someone to ask, “is this OK?” I’ll ask, maybe several times in one night, if what we’re doing is OK. If it’s the first time I’m going out with someone, and it looks like we’re heading there, I’ll simply ask, “do you want to have sex?” This applies to every identity and orientation. Anyone who is trying to have

sex with anyone needs to ask, plain and simple. Ask – multiple times – if what you’re doing is OK. (Yes, your dorky freshman year RA was right. It doesn’t ruin the mood.) If this seems like obvious advice, it’s because it should be. Still, it’s important to remember that being a woman who has sex with men isn’t a “get out of harassment” free card. I’ll reiterate. Men, I’m sure giving in to toxic masculinity is not easy, but you’re still not my main concern right now. Of course, it’s not lost on me that I psychoanalyze the ways I pursue sexual relationships with men when I’m fairly certain most of them wouldn’t do the same for me. I believe bad dates for men have more to do with them being honest with themselves and acknowledging what they want or don’t want, while bad dates for women have more to do with being heard, understood and respected by their partners. Just as personal accounts of violent, uncomfortable or awkward experiences can help shed light on sexual wrongdoings, raising questions and offering advice can help to push the movement forward. Ask yourself what you want, then ask your partner what they want. Is it the same thing?

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll ask, maybe several times in one night, if what weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re doing is OK.

MODERN DAY HUMAN TRAFFICKING BY THE NUMBERS words by hayli craig illustration by ashley bahney

TRU Harbor is a residential treatment center for survivors of human trafficking and commercial sexually exploited children, connected to the Youth Opportunity Center in Muncie, Indiana. In this area, TRU Harbor says women face a moderate to severe risk of being trafficked or exploited.

By the Numbers

40.3 million

victims of human trafficking, globally.

81% 25% are children

are in trapped, forced labor

75% are female

$$$ While there is still a large problem with modern day slavery, the United Nations reports the most common form of human trafficking is for sexual exploitation.

$32 billion

Industry

The Polaris Project estimates global sex trafficking is a $32 billion industry.

There are NO official numbers or stats regarding the number of human trafficking victims in the United States, according to Bustle.

31,000

Instances of human trafficking

Since 2007, the National Human Trafficking Resource Center and Polaris have responded to 31,000 instances of human trafficking in the United States.

8,759 10,615

Cases of human trafficking Individual victims

In 2017 alone, the Polaris Project worked on 8,759 cases of human trafficking involving 10,615 individual victims.

TRU Harbor works with survivors on education, therapy, self-esteem and goal-setting so as to prevent further exploitation, as well as provides a safe and secure environment with peer-to-peer mentoring, activity and exercise classes and ongoing medical care.

HELPING WOMEN ACHIEVE REAL BODY GOALS B Y E AT I N G T H E F O O D S T H E Y LO V E F O R T H E R E S T O F T H E I R L I F E .

EVE GUZMAN IS A GLOBAL NUTRITIONIST, BUSINESS COACH, PUBLIC SPEAKER AND PEOPLE MAGAZINE ‘HALF THEIR SIZE’ AMBASSADOR. SHE IS THE OWNER OF GTRANSFORMATION ACADEMY WHERE SHE HELPS WOMEN TO DITCH DIETS AND EAT REAL FOOD WITHOUT BEING RESTRICTED. EVE ALSO CERTIFIES PERSONAL TRAINERS, NUTRITIONISTS AND HEALTH COACHES ON MACRO BASED NUTRITION THROUGH HER MACRO MENTORSHIP PROGRAM. SHE HAS LOST MORE THAN 150 LBS THROUGH EXERCISE AND HER MACRO NUTRITION PHILOSOPHY. EVE HAS GONE FROM OBESE TO A NATIONALLY QUALIFIED FIGURE COMPETITOR. SHE INSPIRES WOMEN GLOBALLY ON HOW TO CREATE SUSTAINABLE HEALTHY LIFESTYLE CHANGES TO BECOME THEIR BEST SELVES.

Bijou photography by

edrece stansberry

Photographer’s

Note

Ndeye Diop and her daughters are from Senegal, Africa. After only being in the United States for a couple of months, President Trump’s reference to Africa as “Sh*thole countries” was heard by everyone possible, including this family. To ease their tension, I asked them to be a part of my series to not only display their empowerment as women but as a family in the United States.

Bijou

Sparrow Lane By Holly Andres

SPARROW LANE presents an elliptical narrative of young women on the verge of adulthood. Drawing on the formal and thematic conventions of Nancy Drew books, 1970s horror films and Alfred Hitchcock, the series depicts girls in search of forbidden knowledge. By employing suggestive and symbolic iconography such as chrome flashlights, skeleton keys, mirrors, birdcages and open drawers, literal narratives are suspended to suggest psychosexual metaphors.

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Volume I

Articles inside

Unsanctioned Splendor