Getting real with our feelings

Whether you are hoping to have open discussions around the lockdown blues or simply want to check-in with your little ones, writer Penelope Jane Jones offers some advice on how to have family conversations that build trust, authenticity and empathy.

1Make time To make a safe space to talk about emotions as a family set aside some time during the day, separate from mealtime, and put the phones and tablets away. Then establish that it is a judgement-free zone for everyone to talk about their emotions. It’s better to have regular but short conversations on a weekly basis to teach your children emotional intelligence rather than having infrequent but longer conversations.

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Identify the emotion

One parent should start by modelling the behaviour of authentic communication by identifying the main emotion with feeling language: “I have been feeling…”. Remember children are still learning to communicate their feelings and they often express themselves in different ways, such as through their facial expressions, body, play and behaviours. To show that feelings are expressed in nonverbal ways, also include how your feelings are linked to your behaviours: “I have been expressing my feelings by …”. Share openly and honestly in a way that is appropriate for the age of your children.

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01 © Shutterstock/Alena Ozerova 02 & 04 © Shutterstock/Cosmaa

03 © Shutterstock/Soloviova Liudmyla

3Build empathy Understanding how other people feel creates empathy – so every time you discuss emotions, you’re therefore building empathy. This creates awareness, which is the first step to behavioural change. If a child knows how their negative behaviour makes another person feel, they are less likely to continue this behaviour. By everyone equally sharing their feelings regularly, you will feel more emotionally connected as a family.

4Emotional strategies We all need strategies when our emotions are overwhelming us – solving the situation or lessening the problem via action. Model how you deal with your big emotions like stress, anger or upset. For example, do you take a ‘time-out’ when you need some alone time? Use the same language and model the same behaviour so when your child is upset you can offer them a time-out if they need a moment to process their feelings. This turns it into an empowered strategy rather than a punishment.

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Reinforce and reward

When you see the emotional behaviour at play, ensure you recognise the empathy your child is showing or their emotional intelligence. Praise them for identifying their emotions, when they ask for alone time or breathe before reacting. Conversations in childhood are especially important to start having before they reach teenage years; you want your young adult to come to you for emotional advice and support and this is built in their formative years. The good news is it's never too late to start having authentic conversations that are a safe space for emotions to be expressed and heard.

Find out more

Penelope Jane Jones is an Australian-born writer and creativity coach, teaching clients how to use their creativity with courage and confidence. To help children and parents have conversations about their feelings in the pandemic, Penelope has written The Lockdown Blues, available to read for free on Google Play.