6 minute read
BUILD A BETTER LIFE
Building a Better Life with The Mom Cave
I don’t know about you, but I get serious anxiety whenever I have to travel somewhere unfamiliar. Even worse when I am the one navigating alone. It is fine when I know where I am going, or when I am familiar with the route. However, put a trip in front of me where I need a GPS and I have to do some serious self-talk and a lot of deep breathing and work through my anxiety. Imagine traveling along and suddenly you find yourself lost in an unfamiliar place. Then, you realize you do not have GPS, a map, directions or even a soul who can direct you. And then imagine that the vehicle you are traveling completely breaks down and now you are even more alone. Add to that this place you are in is dark, cold and there is no visible exit, anywhere.
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Imagine it being like a dark frightening tunnel. The only thing you know is that you are there. You do not know how or why, you just are. This is what grief can often feel like. We are sailing along in life and suddenly, in an instant, everything changes. The world we know and are familiar with changes.
The usual sights, smells, sounds, tastes and sensations can change. We go to reach for something, or someone and it is no longer there. And so, we become very aware there is a huge void. We discover we are in very unfamiliar territory. We feel fear, anger, and emotions that seem to not hold a description or name. Well-meaning people reach out, but they cannot help us navigate this frightening, dark terrifying terrain. They have never been there before. And neither have you.
No one has. It feels different and uncertain because it is. When we think about grief, we often hear about the stages, or phases. Wouldn’t it be great if grief were simple enough to go through a stage and check the box? Unfortunately, that is not how grief works. Grief is a developmental process in the human experience. What I mean by that is, grief changes who we are forever.
It breaks down what we know and forces us to rebuild something, anything, just to survive. Stages are not a box we check,
Building a Better Life with The Mom Cave GRIEF | A TUTORIAL: PART 1 GETTING LOCATED
they move forward, backward, sideways and at times every direction all at once. However, if we think about grief as a wound, then we can think about grief as need something different during each differing experience.. What can feel the most difficult is trying to navigate these everchanging feelings and figuring out exactly what it is we need in those moments. When working with clients in grief, the first thing we do is figure out their “location.” It is kind of like when you look at a map and try to pin where you are so that you can decide how to move from there. Getting located is about sitting with the pain long enough that it begins to inform you about what you might need in that moment. Here are a few things that can help us “locate” ourselves during the unfamiliar terrain of grief: Normalize The Experience: If you hear nothing else from me in this article hear this, you are not “crazy” or “defective” (two things I often hear from grieving clients). Nor are you weak. I like to remind people that you are strong because of who you are and you grieve because you are human. Grief is a human response to loss. When we experience a loss, whether it be the loss of a person, a relationship, a job or even a season (for example graduating or becoming an Empty-Nester) we experience grief. The intensity will vary depending on how much of our “normal” changes with the loss. How much of your ever-day experience is now different after experiencing this change? The every-day mundane things can feel like sudden voids unexpectedly. This is normal and is ok to feel. In fact, there is no “wrong” way to grieve. Grieving Involves Many Emotions: When we are adjusting to a loss, we can go from feeling everything to nothing to everything again without notice. One moment we might feel angry and the next sad. We may go through periods of numbness and even surprise ourselves because we laughed. We can feel guilty and have “if-only” moments. Whatever you are feeling, it is valid. What is important is to find a way to express the feelings. This can be done through journaling, drawing or talking to someone. Allowing tears, laughter, anger, whatever you are feeling is how the emotions will have time to do their work. Do A Body Scan: Grief isn’t just a passive sadness, it is a whole-existence experience. Our brains change when we grieve, as does our body chemistry. You might experience a change in your senses, such as smell or touch. Sleep can be disrupted, appetite affected, and an overall feeling of anxiety can be experienced. Taking time to simply sit 111
and “listen” to yourself is important. Start at the top of your head and slowly work your way through your body. Notice what is tense, what hurts, how you are breathing and what feelings you can identify. Taking some slow calm breaths can make a big difference. Taking a warm bath or shower, petting your dog or cat, drinking chamomile, lavender or ginger tea, aromatherapy or even simply taking some moments to sit outside and allow yourself to be silent can all be ways to help your body feel less tense and calmer.
Get Support:
The best thing you can do for yourself when you are grieving is to get support. Find a person you trust, a counselor or a group. Sometimes it can feel hard to admit that we need support, especially when we are used to being the “strong” ones. Best if you can find help from those who have a knowledge of grief and can help guide you with the right resources at the right time.
Give Yourself Permission: Grief takes a lot of emotional energy. The pools of energy once used for other things, like relationships, work or hobbies is now being rerouted to your grief. You may feel like you don’t have the energy to do the things you once did. You may notice that being around people is more exhausting than it used to be. You might find that you really would rather not go to that party or watch that movie. You may feel that you “have” to because you don’t want to disappoint people. But, it’s OK.
The only person you have to worry about is you! It’s ok to cancel plans. It’s ok to say no. In fact, it’s necessary. Your emotional reserves are likely depleted. They’ll come back, but right now you
Practice Gratitude: Finally, if you can find even small things in your life to be thankful for, it can go a long way. One exercise I would have clients try is to write down one thing at the end of the day that they are grateful for, just one. Usually, they can find more. Gratitude does not take away grief. It does not fill the loss. However, it can help us feel glimmers of hope and cracks of light in the dark places we can find ourselves.
If you find yourself in the unfamiliar territory of loss, I wish you peace, I wish you hope and I wish you light.
If you want to ask me a question, you can email me at tmc.simmedup@gmail.com
Here are some helpful resources:
grief.com/ www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/ grief hospicefoundation.org/Grief-(1)/ Support-Groups
