Life with a newborn

Acting Like A Mum

I’ve re written this so many times. I struggled at first because I have really enjoyed my journey so far and I figured no one would want to read about a positive fourth trimester right? But then I realised how, throughout my whole pregnancy I avoided negative birth stories like the plague like Covid (woah how iconic. That’s going to be a phrase people use instead now isn’t it?!) Watching positive birth videos and reading positive blogs left me feeling so excited and crying happy tears. So hopefully instead, this will give any expectant parents a positive mindset when heading for newborn life.

Dear new parents to be, I promise you first and foremost- everyone is winging it. Everyone. So don’t let other people’s opinions worry you. Your parents made mistakes over and over again until they too stumbled across some sort of system that worked for their style of parenting. I can’t promise you that they will remember this and let you find your own groove without shoving their (severely outdated) advice down your throat. Remember they mean well, take a breath, thank them even- but what worked for them might not work for you (and actually might not even be legal now… hello anyone born before 2002, sitting on our parents laps in the car with 7 people in a 5 seater…) Also, everything you get told from one professional to another will be complete contradictions. Seriously, it’s a minefield and you have to take everything with a pinch of salt. Eventually you will learn what works for you and your baby. When we were at the hospital, the midwives taught my husband and I how to swaddle our baby to put her down to sleep. If you are like me and have been firm disciples of the lullaby trust, this will shock you, swaddling is a big no no right?! Also in hospital (where the baby wards are as hot as the fricking equator) you have to keep a hat on your baby, even when they sleep, in a vest, a baby grow and like 4 layers of (swaddled) blankets. When we had our first midwife visit at our (far cooler than the ward) home, the midwife nearly had a heart attack when she saw our baby wearing a hat in bed and made us feel like awful parents. I wasn’t lying, the contradictions are rife.

It doesn’t matter which parenting methods you choose either, you will be berated either way. Two of my best friends and I had babies in the same few weeks. I chose to breastfeed, one of them is formula feeding and the other doing a bit of both. Well, when I was in the hospital, one of the doctors forced us to give our baby a bottle of formula as we hadn’t quite managed a good feed yet and according to their “poo-timing-clock” wasn’t pooping fast enough for their liking, (although she had only been alive a few hours at this point). When you’re a new parent it’s REALLY hard to put your foot down with a professional, who are we to argue right? We’ve never done it before so they obviously know better- WRONG. Please, if you find yourself within the first 24 hours of your baby’s life being forced to feed them in a way you don’t want, please be stronger than I was! The amount of times I felt pressured to feed my baby anything other than my breast milk is astonishing. However I only caved the one time, we eventually got a good latch and she was guzzling away perfectly. (I must add that once I was transferred to the post natal ward the breastfeeding support was amazing!) For my friends though, once they were on the post natal ward they were under scrutiny for choosing not to breastfeed. The midwives kept going round to their bays encouraging them to try and get a good latch and informing them of the benefits of breastfeeding. Despite them never planning on doing it, my fellow first-time-parent friend then had to endure the midwives helping her get started on breastfeeding. Now, I don’t want to scare you, but the midwives are not gentle here. MY GOODNESS they might as well come round with metal pliers and squeeze the milk out of you. As if you haven’t just gone through enough with birthing a human. My poor friend had to go through the early stages of breastfeeding (which for me were easily the worst part of it) even though it was never something she wanted to do. (I must remind you, she of course didn’t HAVE to do this, but the coercion is really hard to fight when you’re tired and vulnerable and in a Covid world, don’t have your partner there to advocate for you!) Okay so I have given you some horror material, hurrah! But seriously, if that’s as bad as it gets then I’ll do it again and again. The first few days were of course scary. Suddenly I was completely responsible for another human. Their everything. Literally, their food source, their cleaner, their comforter, the only thing they have known for 9 months. The only person who’s smell, voice, presence can calm them. (Thankfully not the only person who can change their nappies!) But I am extremely lucky to have the most mega support system there is. My husband stepped right up to his role of chief nappy changer, our house chef, our grocery shopper, basically anything outside the realm of breastfeeding fell/falls in his job specification. Even now that he’s back at work, if he can’t do it, he calls in a favour from a friend or family member. That’s another tip top piece of advice from me, ASK FOR HELP. Don’t try to be a hero because actually, the most heroic thing you can do for your baby is take care of yourself, and believe me, you cannot do that without the help of others. So I have to confess now, I am riddled with guilt each time a fellow parent asks me how I am doing. (This is something you find only people who have had babies will do- most other people just ask how the baby is!) Because so far I am doing great. Don’t get me wrong, I’m only 6 weeks in and I know it’s not always going to be rainbows and sunshine- but for now, I really can’t complain. We don’t have a routine and actually that’s something we’ve always said we don’t want. I don’t want to be trapped by my baby only being able to sleep in their room at 7pm each night after a bath and being read The Gruffalo seven hundred times. I grew up much the same and I’ve always been GREAT at sleeping and live a very fulfilled life full of love and very supportive parents, so if not wanting a routine makes me a bad parent, then fine! Things that I think have been key to me being able to enjoy these first six weeks are-

1. making sure I shower every day. This may sound simple but as with all things new born, you may find it’s hard to get five minutes to clean yourself without a baby screaming for you, so take those moments where you can! When I’m on my own at home I bring her bassinet into the bathroom, the white noise of the shower has occasionally sent her to sleep. More often than not she cries a little but it’s usually towards the end of my shower! 2. Put a bit of makeup on. This sounds stupid I know, especially if you aren’t leaving the house in the first few days/ weeks. I rarely wore makeup before I got pregnant if it wasn’t for an occasion, but now it really helps to make me feel good about myself.

Especially now while I am getting used to my new body. It’s cliché but for me when I look good I really do feel good and I think that is SO important as a new parent. Self care should still be up there on your list of importance- it might not be makeup for you, it might just be have a cup of coffee or exercising or listening to your favourite podcast. Whatever you can do that keeps you feeling good, try and make time for it. At the very least I really do recommend at least getting out of your PJs. 3. Eating and drinking. Ahh the fundamentals of staying alive. But seriously, this parenting stuff is only going to be so much harder if you forget to look after yourself! Get yourself one of those water bottles with the time written on them which reminds you to drink. Have snacks all over the house (specifically if you’re a

breastfeeding parent, if you have a set place you feed at, make sure there’s snacks snd drink within reaching distance!) My husband makes me a smoothie every morning before work so he knows at the very least I’ve had a load of fruit and veg every day. (I am so guilty of unintentionally skipping lunch, especially if it baby has a long nap and I decided to nap at the same time!) if you don’t have as well trained a husband as me, maybe just make sure the fridge is full of innocent smoothies! Also, if you have visitors wanting to help out, you can always ask them to bring over a batch cooked meal for your freezer, seriously the best gift for new parents! 4. Sleep when baby sleeps. This is definitely not always possible, but if there’s ever a time that it is, it’s the newborn days. Most parents will have some form of maternity or paternity leave from work, so take advantage of not having to be anywhere or do anything and just sleep, because as far as I am lead to believe, the opportunities for sleep get less and less until your child is about 21 and moves out. Again, I have to hold my hands up here and admit I have been lucky. My baby hasn’t been awful on the sleep front, it’s been bearable and so there’s only been a few days that

I’ve struggled on the tiredness front.

However, something that has worked amazingly for us is my husband putting her in the pram and taking her for a long walk while I get some sleep at home alone. One time he managed to take her for 3 hours which was amazing. Highly recommend.

5. My last tip I guess is just soak it all up.

The milky baby breath, the explosive poos, the sheep noises, lick the salty tears, take all the photos, waste

HOURS just staring watching them sleep, the countless outfit changes (they only wear most things once cause they grow so damn quick so enjoy every outfit change and take a photo of them all!), enjoy being the only person who stops them crying just from picking them up, let them sleep on your chest, let them fall asleep in your arms and then laugh when they wake the second you try and put them down. Just try to remember this is only temporary, even if temporary lasts three years, it really is true what they have said to us for years, blink and you miss it. So try and allow yourself to enjoy it while it lasts! I can’t sit here and give you a Haynes manual in parenting. All babies are different, breastfeeding for me has been so far a success, for some people it’s excruciatingly painful. Some people have a baby who just will not sleep. Some people have to go back to work sooner than me. Some won’t have the support system I have or the privileges I have, and so what works for me won’t work for everyone. But the main points I have made should be transferable in some way to your own situation. Remember, we survived sitting in pubs and restaurants before the smoking ban, we drank skin-changing Sunny Delight and had McDonalds birthday parties. Car seats- what were they? We ate Tesco horse meat thinking it was beef. We fell off the monkey bars, we wet the bed. You didn’t start walking until you were 20 months, your brother still wore nappies aged 5, your best friend was bottle fed, your sister sucked her thumb, your neighbour used a dummy, your parents got divorced, their parents stayed together, yet we are all still here to tell the tales! In summary- Self care, ask for and accept help, eat and drink, sleep when you can and remember it is all temporary so try as best as you can in your sleep deprived-covered in baby sick-still recovering from birth-way, to enjoy it. I wish you all the luck, love and happiness in this journey and for the love of GOD just ignore the mum police, they’re everywhere, you will never escape them so just try as best as you can to ignore them! Lauren Jennings @actinglikeamum