BECAUSE I SAID SO

This is a (fake) thank you to my ex-husband. If he happens to read this, good for him. If not, well that’s his loss (again).

A (FAKE) THANK YOU TO MY EX

WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN

There are “husband” house chores and “wife” house chores. Whether you agree with this statement or not, this is how it was in my 15-year marriage.

My ex-husband did the yardwork and anything that involved tools. That could be anything from hanging art and drapes to electrocuting himself when hanging our daughter’s chandelier in her room. He would take out the trash when I lovingly kicked him off the bed at 6 am while the trash truck came clanging down the street.

I kept the bathrooms and bedrooms clean. I kept the kitchen clean. I did laundry for four people. I managed the kids’ school, sports, and playdate schedules. When it came to our chores, I’d say we kept to our traditional roles, but we compromised sometimes. He taught me how to mow the lawn after I taught him how a washer and dryer works.

I am a single mom now. Don’t feel sorry for me. It’s freeing. But I do owe a (fake) apology to my ex for all the husband chores he did in the home. I should have been much more grateful for the work that goes into husband chores.

The yard work: My lawn guy quit, and I had to do my own yard work. It is a full body workout that deserves a beer and quiet when you’re done. I felt like poison ivy was being flung at my face while sweat seeped from the deepest part of my internal organs and out my pores.

Hanging anything on a wall: I’d like to give a shoutout to Miguel on YouTube for teaching me how to change a drill bit. And use a leveler. And how to stop the tears from dripping into my wine.

The plumbing: Have you ever started laundry? It’s easy. I taught my ex how to do it after he taught me how to mow. But have you ever started laundry and had the whole plumbing back up and poop water start flooding the bathroom and laundry room?

Hooking up electronics: If anyone is getting electrocuted, it’s a husband. Sometimes you have to be smart enough to know which things you need a professional for.

Grilling: Okay, this isn’t necessarily a “chore,” but it is something that I have not mastered. I don’t even own a grill. I use the oven to cook meat. It works out well until the oven not only brings up the temperature of the meat, but it also brings up the temperature of my house on a hot summer day.

It’s a (fake) thank you for a reason, though. Managing and keeping a house running when you have kids is exhausting. The workload doubles when you’re a single parent. Chores in a single household don’t care what gender you are.

I think it’s fair to say there is a bigger learning curve for me than for him. Maybe we should have taught each other and said thank you a little more when it came to chores.

But come on, man! Did I really have to teach you how to use a washer and dryer?

Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop

her as a friend. Follow Julie at: julieburton.blog • facebook.com/julieburtonwriter • twitter.com/ksujulie • instagram.com/ksujulie