PARENTING

WHAT’S YOUR PARENTING STYLE? AND IS IT TEACHING THE LESSONS YOU WANT TO IMPART?

WRITTEN BY REBECCA FISCHER

Parents have always relied on a community for support when raising kids. This year’s pandemic has made that support largely unavailable. We asked local parenting pro and licensed clinical professional counselor Grace A. Stout for some tips to help parents during this unparalleled time.

Stout works at Resonate Relationship Clinic in Overland Park and holds a master’s degree from K.U., with extensive post-graduate training in marriage and family therapy. She is a former licensed school counselor in the Blue Valley School District, holds a Play Therapy Certification, and has been clinically licensed for over 20 years.

One program Stout has seen particularly good results with when helping parents in the KC area is called Love and Logic (loveandlogic.com), founded by a child psychiatrist and school administrator. The focus is on putting fun back into parenting while raising psychologically healthy children.

Before looking at solutions for raising happy, healthy, responsible kids, it can help to identify which type of parenting style you most identify with. “How we show love can get us into trouble,” Stout says. “This program breaks parenting into categories. We can see ourselves in each category from time to time, but with personal observation, we can more accurately choose how to respond.”

Helicopters, Drill Sergeants, and Consultants

When it comes to determining your parenting style, it can be helpful to look at specific situations. For example, imagine your 10-year-old got a new bike. You bought a lock to keep it safe and went over what your child’s responsibilities were for using that lock. The bike is stolen because they forgot to lock it. How will you respond?

The Drill Sergeant parent will elevate their voice, remind the child that they

were told their bike would be stolen if they didn’t lock it, and “drill” the lesson into them.

The Problem: The child will focus on your anger and be upset with you for what happened. They will not feel the sting of their lack of responsibility. If they do temporarily become more responsible, it will be out of fear of your anger, which won’t work long-term. You may go out and buy another bike, grumbling to your child during the whole process, drilling the reminder to lock the bike!

The Helicopter Parent will respond with sympathy, remind the child what they did wrong, continually repeat the lack of good decisionmaking, and go out and buy a new bike for the child.

The Problem: The child will focus on your continuous reminders and feel resentment toward you. They will also learn nothing about natural, logical consequences and you will be reinforcing the notion that you are a pushover—that you are “all talk and no action”—and that they don’t have to become more responsible.

The Consultant parent will empathize with the child’s being upset that the bike was stolen. After all, we all drop the ball from time to time. They will not remind the child that it was their responsibility to lock the bike. Our kids are smart—they already feel bad, which is a natural consequence of their decision making. They will likely focus on taking responsibility for what happened, versus focusing on you and your anger. If not, keep empathizing with their feelings and remove yourself from the situation.

Consultants will not go out and buy the child a new bike. The consultant will take their own pain and deal with it privately, with their spouse or friend, and let their child suffer with the consequences.

Responsible Parenting for Healthy Kids

Overall, the difference between a “good parent” and a “responsible parent” is that the former will go out and buy a new bike because they, the parent, can’t stand the pain the child is suffering. The “responsible parent” will empathize and take their own pain into the back room knowing they’ve just taught a hard lesson. It’s more important to teach natural and logical consequences early, when the consequences of the child’s choices are not life-altering.

“Let me assure you that all children have temper tantrums, struggle with their emotions, try to divide you and your spouse in decision making, manipulate, and lie,” Stout says. “How you handle these behaviors either increases or decreases them. Make a plan so that when you are confronted with these situations, you’ll know what to do.”

For more—including audio, books, and other resources, visit loveandlogic. com, which also currently features a schooling-at-home webinar.

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