5 minute read
Dear God,
This is to let you know that I am breaking up with you. This decision was not an easy one to make, but I feel it’s what is best for both of us. For me. And no, it’s not me; it’s you. They say the truth will set you free so, I’m freeing myself from your lies, and since you’re always talking about how “just” you are, I think it’s only “just” that you answer me this:
Where is my baby sister? She was too young to feel pain, to meet death. Too young to cause strain on my family and friends. I was too young to feel loss, to hear cries, to see my mother with tears in her eyes. They say, “God is good,” and “He is faithful,” but where was this “faithful” God when my mom, who was faithful to the word, faithfully got on her knees day in and day out?
Our God who art in heaven: you’re in heaven with your angels, watching over us with some popcorn because for you, some of us are just a good movie with a pinch of salt. You betrayed me. You betrayed our trust, and I now realize the foolishness in trusting in something you can’t see. Because you never really know when it will sneak up on you and take away the people you love the most.
Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come: what kind of king claims to love his kingdom, kisses his kids with his invaluable breath, then turns his back on them? Allowing evil to steal, kill, and destroy? It makes sense to me why Judas betrayed you with a kiss. That is how backstabbing works in the kingdom.
I’ve already made up my mind. It’s not your will be done, it’s mine.
Give us this day our daily bread: ask the kid on the street corner what that prayer means to him. He’ll probably tell you it’s a little bit about breadcrumbs and a whole lot of hopelessness. Because for him, daily bread doesn’t come every day. You talk about the blood of Jesus and the body of Christ and how it was freely given so we could freely receive life in its most abundant form. Yet, innocent kids are still dying because their breakfast times are their dinner times, and that’s the only time their throats see anything other than poverty; and you still have the audacity to tell me, “Ask and it shall be given.”
You once told me that forgiveness of trespasses strengthens relationships; and I know you’re still punishing me for Eve’s transgressions but for how long will I have to see my mother’s tears fall? How do you think it makes me feel to see her call those we call family and to see her suffer at the hands of those who were meant to make her happy? And don’t tell me everything happens for a reason when many families are together, and I can’t even look at my own.
Lead us not into temptation. I struggle to pray with my eyes closed because all I see when my eyes are closed is their eyes. How loud did I have to scream to silence my mother’s pain? How many tears do I have to cry to quench my brother’s thirst?
Lord, how do you choose your soldiers? I won’t ask you to deliver us from evil, because you created it, so you can have it all. The kingdom, the power, the glory forever and ever.
BE STILL.
Be still and know that I am God. I can’t say I’m surprised; I saw this coming. I’ve seen how you don’t even look at me the same anymore; the way you cancel our dates. Somewhere in between your busy life and worship of self, I’ve become a once-a-week thing, twice-onSunday, thrice-in front of people, four times when you really need something.
I’ve seen it in your eyes, how your mind drifts off when you’re supposedly spending time with me. In fact, until today, I don’t remember when we last spoke for longer than one minute and twenty seconds. What a bittersweet tragedy that the one time you’re giving me quality time is to tell me that we are out of time. And no, it’s not me; it’s you.
You get on your knees and ask for my will to be done, yet you won’t let me take the wheel. There’s no room for both you and me at the altar of your heart; for me to bless your family when you’re stuck on unforgiveness, to heal the pain of your past when you chose victimization. There’s no room to give you this day your daily bread when you won’t acknowledge that I’m your sole provider of those breadcrumbs down to the very breath your lungs thrive on.
Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all you need will be added unto you. That is, seek first MY face before the works of MY hands. Thirst first for me before the satisfaction I bring. That is SEEK ME. And if anyone wishes to come after me, he needs to deny himself. Take up his cross and follow me.
Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. I need you to trust me, to have some faith in me even if it’s just the size of a mustard seed; that’s all it took to part the Red Sea. Have the faith of the blind men, who fixed their blind eyes on an invisible God, who saw me before their eyes could see. Seeing is believing is a lie. Believing is seeing. When you feel your cross is too heavy for you to bear, remember Job; stripped of everything that was true to him, his family, his wealth, his health. A man with everything reduced to a man with nothing, yet he held onto me with blisters in his hands. Remember Abraham, Hannah, and Sarah. Do not lose heart for you are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed. Perplexed, but not in despair. Persecuted, but not abandoned. Struck down, but not defeated.
Remember the cross. Greater love hath no man than this; that a man would lay down his life for his friends. The enemy is already defeated! Tell your brother, tell your sister, the parable of the prodigal son! Tell them my heart breaks each day the sun goes down without them coming back home; my heart bleeds wasted time, I’m relentless in my pursuit of their heart. I will not give up on them, and the only way to get back on their feet is to get on their knees. Tell them my grace surpasses bad decisions in a broken relationship; tell them I love him, I love her.
You asked how I choose my soldiers. I knitted you together in your mother’s womb, molded you into a star, and stars are specifically designed to shine in the darkness. So, shine. I do not make mistakes. Whatever was supposed to kill you, didn’t, and what doesn’t kill you knows who you belong to.
So, tell your story and use it to uplift others. Do not be afraid. My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness. Boast in your weakness; rejoice in your hardships, persecutions, and difficulties. For when you are weak, then you are strong.
Today, whatever you decide, may your wandering never wonder about my deep love for you. May you be aware that it is complete and unconditional. May you be aware that none of what you did yesterday, none of what you say today, none of who you’ll become tomorrow will change that. May you be aware that my son’s death on the cross, the only lifegiving death, was so you could experience all of my love for you. May you be aware that the entire kingdom, the power, the glory forever and ever means nothing to me if I am not gaining your heart. And may you be aware that your sister is happy, and she’s waiting right here for you. She’s waiting…they’re waiting. They’re ALL waiting for you to come home.
Esther Escalante