Understanding Your Personal Style & the Style of Others by Kellie Napper

EDUCATION CORNER

When dealing with people who are difficult it is important to remember that those who you come into contact with are doing the best they can from their level of consciousness. With having knowledge of this try to avoid judging their behavior. Things may appear one way from your perspective, but very few people are deliberately trying to make life difficult for you yet alone themselves. During those times they are making choices that seem to best fit them from where they find themselves in the current moment, regardless of the amount of chaos it might bring into the experience of others.

According to Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication you should ask yourself the following questions before judging the behavior of an individual.

1. What just happened? (Distinguishing observations from evaluations for awareness and clarity) 2. What are the feelings arising in me? (Taking responsibility of your emotions and feelings without playing the victim) 3. What do I need that I’m not receiving: (Identifying your own needs, rather than assuming others know what is not being communicated.) 4. What am I asking for? (Specifically requesting what you need and detailing the outcome)

These are powerful and transformational questions that can lead to a productive and conscious exchange with individuals in your life. Although you may have these techniques in place a person can choose not to support you with meeting your needs and make the choice to be difficult. This is where you need to maintain your presence and respond objectively and not emotionally. Below are a few strategies that can help you navigate dealing with a negative individual. The STOP Acronym can be the most useful when dealing with a difficult personal relationship

1. Stope whatever you’re doing 2. Take 3 deep breaths 3. Observe how your body feels 4. Proceed with kindness and compassion

No matter how hard the difficult person or relationship is, taking a pause will help to avoid the emotional reactions that seem to take over in the heat of the moment.

Another helpful strategy is being able to see through the Control Drama the other person is using. Often the other individual can be manipulative when their needs are not being met. Here are some signs of control drama

1. Nice and manipulative 2. Nasty and manipulative 3. Unapproachable and withdrawn 4. Playing the victim

These characteristics are learned in one’s younger years of life and once adolescence is reached these behaviors typically don’t go away. If this is something you are seeing in an individual know that in that moment, they need your compassion. Responding with compassion will bring about a shift to the situation and hopefully bring about a positive outcome.

©2021 Kellie Napper – All Rights Reserved.