LAST LAUGH

Hallo—Wait, What?

Costume choices and identity crises

BY LAUREN ROTH

T

he subject of Halloween costumes has been bandied about the Roth household for a few weeks now–OK, since Easter–and we’re getting nowhere. One online list of suggested costumes included a Wanda Maximoff (from “WandaVision”) getup with this call to action: “Surprise your friends and stun your neighbors with a red vinyl look in a scarlet catsuit, headpiece, and matching boots and gloves.”

At the very least, this is truth in advertising. My friends and neighbors would be more scarred than scared if I appeared in a vinyl catsuit with matching red boots and gloves.

Somehow, my search for a Halloween costume has become existential. A catsuit? Pshaw. I need a costume that’s more authentically me, but first I need to define what the authentic me is. And the best way to suss out one’s true self, to do the deep dive of the psyche, to expose one’s very soul is … an online personality quiz.

Intrigued by the query “What animal are you?” I leaned in. What animal am I? This should be interesting—the resulting answer could be the key to the portal of knowing my most primal self.

Question 1: What’s your favorite activity? My honest response, “lolling about,” was not listed as one of the answers, so I chose (D.) learning something new. After all, I’m busy learning whether I’m a platypus, a parakeet, or (fingers crossed!) a peacock.

Question 4 seemed like a thinly veiled attempt to identify online predators: “How do you like to show affection?” (A.) Cuddling (I don’t even like that word), (B.) Talking and spending quality time with someone (this was my answer, but I’m fully aware that, verbatim, it’s the tired, lame excuse every creep gives NBC’s Chris Hansen on “To Catch a Predator” just before they get tossed into the paddy wagon with their wrists zip-tied), or (C.) Hugging, sometimes a little aggressively. (Hugging aggressively? #redflag)

Question 6: What is your social life like? The first choice in the responses should set off alarms: “I’m a bit of a loner,” a statement you might follow up with, “because I’m the Unabomber,” or “because I’m the Night Stalker.”

What kind of animals is this quiz identifying, anyway? If I were braver (obviously I’m not a lion), I’d retake the quiz and answer every question with the “aggressive/loner/sad sack” responses just to see what kind of animal it reveals, but I’m worried that my answers would prompt a pop-up of Chris Hansen’s head and a caption that reads, “Get out of your house now.”

Once my quiz score was calculated, my animal was revealed: I am the dolphin! Not a peacock, but hey, I can be Flipper for Halloween! All I need to avoid are sharks, killer whales, tuna fishermen, and SeaWorld. That’s the good news. But if we’re still in masks by Halloween, finding an N95 for my bottlenose might be a challenge.

I’d better order that red vinyl catsuit, just in case.

A LEGACY OF FINE FURNITURE FOR 63 YEARS

Keven Calonkey Carl Professional Member ASID NCIDQ Certified