THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
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THE FIFTH ELEPHANT
A Discworld® Novel
Terry Pratchett
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First published in Great Britain in 1999 by Doubleday an imprint of Transworld Publishers
This edition published in Great Britain in 2016
Copyright © Terry and Lyn Pratchett 1999
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ManythankstoPeterBleackleyforhishelpwith thedwarfopera BloodaxeandIronhammer,which wasprobablyalotbetterinhisversion (andhadalotmoresongsaboutgold).
They say theworldisflatandsupportedonthe backoffourelephantswhothemselvesstandon thebackofagiantturtle.
They say thattheelephants,beingsuchhugebeasts, havebonesofrockandiron,andnervesofgoldfor betterconductivityoverlongdistances.*
They say thatthefifthelephantcamescreamingand trumpetingthroughtheatmosphereoftheyoung worldallthoseyearsagoandlandedhardenoughto splitcontinentsandraisemountains.
Nooneactuallysawitland,whichraised theinterestingphilosophicalquestion:whenmillions oftonsofangryelephantcomespinningthroughthe sky,andthereisnoonetohearit,doesit–philosophicallyspeaking–makeanoise?
Andiftherewasnoonetoseeithit,didit actually hit?
Inotherwords,wasn’titjustastoryforchildren,to explainawaysomeinterestingnaturaloccurrences?
Asforthedwarfs,whoselegenditis,andwhomine
*Notrockandironintheirdeadform,astheyarenow,but living rockandiron.Thedwarfshavequiteaninventivemythologyabout minerals.
alotdeeperthanotherpeople, they saythatthereisa grainoftruthinit.
Onaclearday,fromtherightvantagepointonthe Ramtops,awatchercouldseeaverylongwayacross theplains.Ifitwashighsummer,theycouldcountthe columnsofdustastheoxtrainsploddedon,atatop speedoftwomilesanhour,eachpairpullingatrain oftwowagonscarryingfourtonsapiece.Thingstook alongtimetogetanywhere,butwhentheydid,there wascer tainlyalotofthem.TothecitiesoftheCircle Seatheycarriedrawmaterial,andsometimespeople whowereofftoseektheirfortuneandafistfulof diamonds.
Tothemountainstheybroughtmanufactured goods,rarethingsfromacrosstheoceans,andpeople whohadfoundwisdomandafewscars.
Therewasusuallyaday’stravellingbetweeneach convoy.Theyturnedthelandscapeintoanunrolled timemachine.Onacleardayyoucouldseelast Tuesday.
Heliographstwinkledinthedistantairasthe columnsflashedmessagesbackandforth,about banditpresence,cargoesandthebestplacetoget doubleegg,treblechipsandasteakthatoverhungthe plateallround.
Lotsofpeopletravelledonthecarts.Itwascheap,it beatwalking,andyougotthereeventually.
Somepeopletravelledforfree.
Thedriverofonewagonwashavingproblemswith histeam.Theywereskittish.He’dexpectthisinthe
mountains,whereallsortsofwildcreaturesmight regardtheoxenasatravellingmeal,butherethere wasnothingmoredangerousthancabbages.
Behindhim,downinanarrowspacebetweenthe loadsofcutlumber,somethingslept.
ItwasjustanotherdayinAnkh-Morpork...
SergeantColonbalancedonashakyladderatone endoftheBrassBridge,oneofthecity’sbusiest thoroughfares.Heclungbyonehandtothetallpole withtheboxontopofit,andwiththeotherheheld upahome-madepicturebooktotheslotinthefront ofthebox.
‘Andthisis another sortofcart,’hesaid.‘Gotit?’
‘’s,’saidaverysmallvoicefromwithinthebox.
‘O-kay,’saidColon,apparentlysatisfied.He droppedthebookandpointeddownthelengthofthe bridge.
‘Now,youseethosetwomarkerswhathasbeen paintedacrossthecobbles?’
‘’s.’
‘Andtheymean...?’
‘If-a-cart-g’s-tween-dem-in-less’na-minute-’sgoin-too-fas’,’thelittlevoiceparroted.
‘Welldone.Andthenyou...?’
‘Painta-pic-cher.’
‘Takingcaretoshow...?’
‘Driver’s-face-or-cart-licence.’
‘Andifit’snight-timeyou...?’
‘Use-der-sal’mander-to-make-it-bright...’
‘Welldone,Rodney.Andoneofuswillcomealong
everydayandcollectyourpictures.Goteverything youwant?’
‘’s.’
‘What’sthat,sergeant?’
Colonlookeddownattheverylarge,brown, upturnedface,andsmiled.
‘Afternoon,All,’hesaid,climbingponderously downtheladder.‘Whatyou’relookingat,Mister Jolson,isthemodernWatchforthenew millenienienum...num.’
‘’sabitbig,Fred,’saidAllJolson,lookingatitcritically.‘I’veseenlotsofsmallerones.’
‘WatchasinCityWatch,All.’
‘Ah,right.’
‘AnyonegoestoofastaroundhereandLord Vetinari’llbelookingathispicturenextmorning.The iconographsdonotlie,All.’
‘Right,Fred.’costhey’retoostupid.’
‘Hislordship’sgotfedupwithcartsspeedingover thebridge,see,andaskedustodosomethingaboutit.
I’mHeadofTrafficnow,youknow.’
‘Isthatgood,Fred?’
‘Ishouldjustthinkso!’saidSergeantColon expansively.‘It’suptometokeepthe,er,arteriesof thecityfromcloggingup,leadin’toacompletebreakdownofcommerceandruinationforusall.Most vitaljobthereis,youcouldsay.’
‘Andit’sjustyoudoingit,isit?’
‘Well,mainly.Mainly.CorporalNobbsandthe otherladshelp,ofcourse.’
AllJolsonscratchedhisnose.‘Itwasonasimilar
subjectthatIwantedtotalktoyou,Fred,’hesaid.
‘Noproblem,All.’
‘Somethingveryodd’sturnedupoutsidemy restaurant,Fred.’
SergeantColonfollowedthehugemanaroundthe corner.FredusuallylikedAll’scompanybecause,next toAll,hewasveryskinnyindeed.AllJolsonwasaman who’dshowuponanatlasandchangetheorbitof smallplanets.Pavingstonescrackedunderhisfeet. Hecombinedinonebody–andtherewasplentyof roomleftover–Ankh-Morpork’sbestchefandits keenesteater,acircumstancemadeinmashedpotato heaven.SergeantColoncouldn’trememberwhatthe man’srealfirstnamehadbeen;he’dpickedup thenicknamebygeneralacclaim,sincenooneseeing himinthestreetforthefirsttimecouldbelievethatit was all Jolson.
TherewasabigcartonBroadWay.Othertraffic wasbackeduptryingtomanoeuvrearoundit.
‘Hadmymeatdeliveredatlunchtime,Fred,and whenmycartercameout...’AllJolsonpointedtothe largetriangularconstructionlockedaroundone wheelofthecart.Itwasmadeofoakandsteel,with yellowpaintsloshedoverit.
Fredtappeditcarefully.‘Icanseewhereyourproblemis,righthere,’hesaid.‘Sohowlongwasyour carterinthere?’
‘Well.Igavehimlunch...’
‘Andverygoodlunchesyoudo,All,I’vealwayssaid. Whatwasthespecialtoday?’
‘Smittensteakwithcreamsauceandslumpie,
andblackdeathmeringuetofollow,’saidAllJolson.
Therewasamomentofsilenceastheyboth picturedthismeal.FredColongavealittlesigh.
‘Butterontheslumpie?’
‘Youwouldn’tinsultmebysuggestingI’dleaveit off,wouldyou?’
‘Amancouldlingeralongtimeoverameallike that,’saidFred.‘Thetroubleis,thePatrician,All,gets veryshortaboutcartsparkingonthestreetformore thantenminutes.Hereckonsthat’sasortofcrime.’
‘Takingtenminutestoeatoneof my lunchesisn’ta crime,Fred,it’satragedy,’saidAll.‘Itsayshere“City Watch–$15removal”,Fred.That’sacoupleofdays’ profits,Fred.’
‘Thingis,’saidFredColon,‘it’llbepaperwork,see? Ican’tjustwavethataway.IonlywishIcould.There’s allthemcounterfoilsonthespikeinmyoffice.Ifit wasmerunningtheWatch,ofcourse...butmy handsaretied,see...’
Thetwomenstoodsomewayapart,handsin pockets,apparentlypayinglittleattentiontoone another.SergeantColonbegantowhistleunderhis breath.
‘Iknowathingortwo,’saidAll,carefully.‘People thinkwaitersain’tgotears.’
‘Iknowlotsofstuff,All,’saidColon,jinglinghis pocketchange.
Bothmenstaredattheskyforawhile.
‘Imayhavesomehoneyicecreamleftoverfrom yesterday—’
SergeantColonlookeddownatthecart.
‘Here,MisterJolson,’hesaid,inavoiceofabsolute surprise.‘Somecompletebastard’sputsomesortof clamponyourwheel!Well,we’llsoonseeabout that.’
Colonpulledacoupleofround,white-paintedpaddlesfromhisbelt,sightedontheWatchHouse semaphoretowerpeekingoverthetopoftheold lemonadefactory,waiteduntilthewatchinggargoyle signalledhim,andwithacertainamountofverveand flairrippedoffanimpressionofamanwithstiffarms playingtwogamesoftabletennisatonce.
‘Theteam’llbealonganyminute–ah,watch this...’
Alittlefurtheralongthestreettwotrollswerecarefullyclampingahaywagon.Afteraminuteortwoone ofthemhappenedtoglanceattheWatchHouse tower,nudgedhiscolleague,producedtwobatsofhis ownand,withratherlesselanthanSergeantColon, sentasignal.Whenitwasansweredthetrollslooked around,spottedColonandlumberedtowardshim.
‘Ta-da!’saidColonproudly.
‘Amazing,thisnewtechnology,’saidAllJolson admiringly.‘Andtheymust’vebeen,what,fortyor fiftyyardsaway?’
‘’s’right,All.IntheolddaysI’d’vehadtoblowa whistle.Andthey’llarrivehereknowin’itwas me who wanted’em,too.’
‘Insteadofhavingtolookandseeitwasyou,’said Jolson.
‘Well,yeah,’saidColon,awarethatwhathadtranspiredmightnotbethebrightestrayoflightinthe newdawnofthecommunicationsrevolution.‘Of
T ERRY P RATCHETT
course,it’dhaveworkedjustaswellifthey’dbeen streetsaway.Ontheothersideofthecity,even.Andif Itoldthegargoyleto,aswesay,“put”itonthe“big” toweroverontheTumpthey’dhavegotitinStoLat withinminutes,see?’
‘Andthat’stwentymiles.’
‘Atleast.’
‘Amazing,Fred.’
‘Timemoveson,All,’saidColon,asthetrolls reachedthem.
‘ConstableChert,whotoldyoutoclampmy friend’scart?’hedemanded.
‘Well,sarge,dismorningyousaidwewastoclamp every—’
‘Not this cart,’saidColon.‘Unlockitrightnow,and we’llsaynomoreaboutit,eh?’
ConstableChertseemedtoreachtheconclusion thathewasn’tbeingpaidtothink,andthiswasjustas wellbecauseSergeantColondidnotbelievetrolls gavevalueformoneyinthatdepartment.‘Ifyousay so,sarge...’
‘Whileyou’redoingthat,meandAllherewillhave alittlechat,right,All?’saidFredColon.
‘That’sright,Fred.’
‘Well,I say chat,butI’llbemostlylistenin’,on accountofhavingmymouthfull.’
Snowcascadedfromthefirbranches.Themanforced hiswaythrough,stoodfightingforbreathfora moment,andthensetoffacrosstheclearingatafast trot.
Acrossthevalleyheheardthefirstblastonthehorn. Hehadanhour,then,ifhecouldtrustthem.He mightnotmakeittothetower,buttherewereother waysout.
Hehadplans.Hecouldoutwitthem.Keepoffthe snowasmuchasyoucan,doubleback,makeuseof thestreams...Itwaspossible,it had beendone before.Hewassureofthat.
Afewmilesawaysleekbodiessetoutthroughthe forest.Thehuntwason.
ElsewhereinAnkh-Morpork,theFools’Guildwason fire.
Thiswasaproblem,becausetheGuild’sfirebrigade consistedlargelyofclowns.
And this wasaproblembecauseifyoushowaclown abucketofwaterandaladderheknowsonlyoneway toact.Yearsoftrainingtakeover.It’ssomethinginthe rednosespeakingtohim.Hecan’thelphimself.
SamVimesoftheAnkh-MorporkCityWatch leanedagainstawallandwatchedtheshow.
‘Wereallymustputthatproposalforacivicfire servicetothePatricianagain,’hesaid.Acrossthe streetaclownpickedupaladder,turned,knocked theclown behind himintoabucketofwater,then turned again toseewhatthecommotionwas,thus sendinghisrisingvictimintothebucketagainwitha surprisingparpingnoise.Thecrowdwatchedsilently. Ifitwasfunny,clownswouldn’tbedoingit.
‘TheGuildsareallverymuchagainstit,’said CaptainCarrotIronfoundersson,hissecondin
command,astheclownwiththeladderhadabucket ofwaterpoureddownhistrousers.‘Theysayit’dbe trespass.’
Thefirehadtakenholdinafirst-floorroom.
‘Ifweletitburnit’dbeablowforentertainmentin thiscity,’saidCarrotearnestly.
Vimeslookedsidewaysathim.Thatwasatrue Carrotcomment.Itsoundedasinnocentashell,but you could takeitadifferentway.
‘Itcertainlywould,’hesaid.‘Nevertheless,I suppose we’dbetterdosomething.’Hesteppedforwardand cuppedhishands.
‘Allright,thisistheWatch!Bucketchain!’he shouted.
‘Aw, must we?’saidsomeoneinthecrowd.
‘Yes,youmust,’saidCaptainCarrot.‘Comeon,everyone,ifweformtwolineswe’llhavethisdoneinnotime atall!Whatd’yousay,eh?Itmightevenbefun!’
Andtheydidit,Vimesnoted.Carrottreatedeveryoneasiftheywerejollygoodchapsandsomehow,in someinexplicableway,theycouldn’tresisttheurge nottoprovehimwrong.
Andtothedisappointmentofthecrowdthefire wassoonputout,oncetheclownsweredisarmedand ledawaybykindpeople.
Carrotreappeared,wipinghisforehead,asVimeslit acigar.
‘Apparentlythefire-eaterwassick,’hesaid.
‘It’sjustpossiblewemightneverbeforgiven,’said Vimesastheysetoffonpatrolagain.‘Oh,no...what now?’
Carrotwasstaringupwards,towardsthenearest clackstower.
‘RiotinCableStreet,’hesaid.‘It’sAllOfficers,sir.’ Theybrokeintoarun.YoualwaysdidforanAll Officers.Thepeopleintroublemightwellbeyou. Thereweremoredwarfsonthestreetsastheygot nearer,andVimesrecognizedthesigns.Thedwarfsall worepreoccupiedlooksandwerewalkinginthesame direction.
‘It’sover,’hesaid,astheyroundedacorner.‘Youcan tellbythesuddenincreaseof suspiciouslyinnocent bystanders.’
Whateverelsetheemergencyhadbeen,ithadbeen abigone.Thestreetwasstrewnwithdebris,andafair amountofdwarfs.Vimessloweddown.
‘Thirdtimethisweek,’hesaid.‘What’sgotinto them?’
‘Hardtosay,sir,’saidCarrot.Vimesshothima glance.Carrothadbeenraisedbydwarfs.Healso,if hecouldpossiblyavoidit,nevertoldalie.
‘Thatisn’tthesameas Idon’tknow,isit?’hesaid.
Thecaptainlookedawkward.
‘Ithinkit’s...sortofpolitical,’hesaid. Vimesnotedathrowingaxeburiedinawall.
‘Yes,Icanseethat,’hesaid.
Someonewascomingalongthestreet,andwas probablythereasonwhytheriothadbrokenup. Lance-ConstableBluejohnwasthebiggesttrollVimes hadevermet.He loomed.Hewassobigthathedidn’t standoutinacrowdbecausehe was thecrowd; peoplefailedtoseehimbecausehewasintheway.
And,likemanyovergrownpeople,hewasinstinctivelygentleandrathershyandinclinedtolet otherstellhimwhattodo.Iffatehadledhimtojoin agang,he’dbethemuscle.IntheWatch,hewasthe riotshield.Otherwatchmenwerepeeringaround him.
‘LookslikeitstartedinGimlet’sDelicatessen,’said Vimes,astherestoftheWatchmovedin.‘GetastatementoffGimlet.’
‘Notagoodidea,sir,’saidCarrotfirmly.‘Hedidn’t seeanything.’
‘Howdoyouknowhedidn’tseeanything?You haven’taskedhim.’
‘Iknow,sir.Hedidn’tseeanything.Hedidn’thear anything,either.’
‘Withamobtrashinghisrestaurantandscrapping inthestreetoutside?’
‘That’sright,sir.’
‘Ah.Igetit.There’snonesodeafasthosethatwon’t hear,areyousaying?’
‘Somethinglikethat,sir,yes.Look,it’sallover,sir.I don’tthinkanyone’sseriouslyhurt.It’llbeforthe best,sir.Please?’
‘Isthisoneofthoseprivatedwarfthings,captain?’ ‘Yes,sir—’
‘Well,thisisAnkh-Morpork,captain,notsome mineinthemountains,andit’smyjobtokeepthe peace,and this,captain,doesn’tlooklikeit.What’re peoplegoingtosayaboutriotinginthestreets?’
‘They’llsayit’sanotherdayinthelifeofthebigcity, sir,’saidCarrotwoodenly.
‘Yes,Isupposetheywould,atthat.However—’ Vimespickedupagroaningdwarf.‘Whodidthis?’he demanded.‘I’mnotinthemoodforbeingmessed around.Comeon,Iwantaname!’
‘AgiHammerthief,’mutteredthedwarf,struggling. ‘Allright,’saidVimes,lettinghimgo.‘Writethat down,Carrot.’
‘No,sir,’saidCarrot.
‘Excuseme?’
‘ThereisnoAgiHammerthiefinthecity,sir.’
‘Youknoweverydwarf?’
‘Alotofthem,sir.ButAgiHammerthiefisonly founddownmines,sir.He’sasortofmischievous spirit,sir.Forexample,“PutitwhereAgiputsthe coal,”sir,means—’
‘Yes,Icanguess,’saidVimes.‘You’retellingmethat thatdwarfjustsaidthisriotwasstartedbySweet FannyAdams?’Thedwarfhaddisappearedsmartly aroundacorner.
‘Moreorless,sir.Excusemeamoment,sir.’Carrot steppedacrossthestreet,pullingtwowhite-painted paddlesoutofhisbelt.‘I’lljustgetalineofsightona tower,’hesaid.‘I’dbettersendaclacks.’
‘Why?’
‘Well,we’vekeptthePatricianwaiting,sir,soit’dbe goodmannerstolethimknowwe’relate.’
Vimespulledouthiswatchandstaredatit.Itwas turningouttobeoneofthosedays...thesortthat yougoteveryday. Itisinthenatureoftheuniversethatthepersonwho
alwayskeepsyouwaitingtenminuteswill,ontheday youaretenminutestardy,havebeenreadytenminutes earlyandwillmakeapointof notmentioningthis.
‘Sorrywe’relate,sir,’saidVimesastheyenteredthe OblongOffice.
‘Oh, are youlate?’saidLordVetinari,lookingup fromhispaperwork.‘Ireallyhadn’tnoticed.Nothing serious,Itrust.’
‘TheFools’Guildcaughtfire,sir,’saidCarrot.
‘Manycasualties?’
‘No,sir.’
‘Well,thatisablessing,’saidLordVetinaricarefully. Heputdownhispen.
‘Now...whatdowehavetodiscuss...?’Hepulled anotherdocumenttowardshimandreaditswiftly.
‘Ah...Iseethatthenewtrafficdivisionishaving thedesiredeffect.’Heindicatedalargepileofpaper.‘I amgettinganyamountofcomplaintsfromthe Carters’andDrovers’Guild.Welldone.Dopasson mythankstoSergeantColonandhisteam.’
‘Iwill,sir.’
‘Iseeinonedaytheyclampedseventeencarts,ten horses,eighteenoxenandoneduck.’
‘Itwasparkedillegally,sir.’
‘Indeed.However,astrangepatternseemsto emerge.’
‘Sir?’
‘Manyofthecarterssaythattheywerenotinfact parkedbuthadmerelyhaltedwhileanextremelyold andextremelyuglyladycrossedtheroadextremely slowly.’
‘That’stheirstory,sir.’
‘Theyknowshewasanoldladybyherconstant litanyonthelinesof“Ohdearyme,mypooroldfeet,” andsimilarexpressions.’
‘Certainlysoundslikeanoldladytome,sir,’said Vimes,hisfacewooden.
‘Quiteso.Whatisratherstrangeisthatseveralof themthenreportseeingtheoldladysubsequently leggingitawayalonganalleyratherfast.I’ddiscount this,ofcourse,wereitnotforthefactthattheladyhas apparentlybeenseencrossinganotherstreet,very slowly,somedistanceawayshortlyafterwards. Somethingofamystery,Vimes.’
Vimesputhishandoverhiseyes.‘It’soneIintend tosolvequitequickly,sir.’
ThePatriciannoddedandmadeashortnoteonthe listinfrontofhim.
Ashewenttomoveitasideheuncoveredamuch grubbier,much-foldedscrapofpaper.Hepickedup twoletterknivesand,usingthemfastidiously,unfolded thepaperandincheditacrossthedesktowardsVimes.
‘Doyouknowanythingaboutthis?’hesaid.
Vimesread,inlarge,round,crayonedletters:
‘DeErCur,TheCruELttoHOMLIssDoGsInthIs CITyIsADIssGrays,WaTarETheWaTCHDoIngA BouTIT¿SiNeDTheLeAKAgyANsctCrUleTTo DoGs.’
‘Notathing,’hesaid.
‘Myclerkssaythatonelikeitispushedunderthe doormostnights,’saidthePatrician.‘Apparentlyno oneisseen.’
‘Doyouwantmetoinvestigate?’saidVimes.‘It shouldn’tbehardtofindsomeoneinthiscitywho dribbleswhenhewritesandspellsevenworsethan Carrot.’
‘Thankyou,sir,’saidCarrot.
‘Noneoftheguardsreportnoticinganyone,’said thePatrician.‘IsthereanygroupinAnkh-Morpork particularlyinterestedinthewelfareofdogs?’
‘Idoubtit,sir.’
‘ThenIshallignoreit protem,’saidVetinari.Helet thesoggylettersplashintothewastepaperbasket.
‘Ontomorepressingmatters,’hesaidbriskly.‘Now, then...WhatdoyouknowaboutBonk?’ Vimesstared.
TherewasapolitecoughfromCarrot.‘Theriveror thetown,sir?’hesaid.
ThePatriciansmiled.‘Ah,captain,youhavelong agoceasedtosurpriseme.Yes,Iwasreferringtothe town.’
‘It’soneofthemajortownsinUberwald,sir,’said Carrot.‘Exports:preciousmetals,leather,timber andofcoursefatfromthedeepfatminesat Schmaltzberg—’
‘There’sa place calledBonk?’saidVimes,stillmarvellingatthespeedwithwhichthey’dgotherefroma dampletteraboutdogs.
‘Strictlyspeaking,sir,it’smorecorrectlypronouncedBeyonk,’saidCarrot.
‘Evenso—’
‘AndinBeyonk,sir,“Morpork”soundsexactlylike theirwordforanitemofladies’underwear,’saidCarrot.
‘There’sonlysomanysyllablesintheworld,whenyou thinkaboutit.’
‘Howdoyou know allthisstuff,Carrot?’
‘Oh,youpickitup,sir.Hereandthere.’
‘Really?Soexactly which itemof—’
‘Somethingextremelyimportantwillbetaking placethereinafewweeks,’saidLordVetinari. ‘Somethingwhich,Ihavetoadd,isvitaltothefuture prosperityofAnkh-Morpork.’
‘ThecrowningoftheLowKing,’saidCarrot. VimesstaredfromhimtothePatrician,andback again.
‘Istheresomekindofcircularthatgoesaround whichdoesn’tgetasfarasme?’hesaid.
‘Thedwarfcommunityhasbeentalkingaboutlittle elseformonths,sir.’
‘Really?’saidVimes.‘Youmeantheriots?Those fightseverynightinthedwarfbars?’
‘CaptainCarrotiscorrect,Vimes.Itwillbeagrand occasion,attendedbyrepresentativesofmany governments.AndfromvariousUberwaldprincipalities,ofcourse,becausetheLowKingonlyrules thoseareasofUberwaldthatarebelowground.His favourisvaluable.BorograviaandGenuawillbe there,withoutadoubt,andprobablyevenKlatch.’
‘Klatch?Butthey’reevenfurtherfromUberwald thanweare!Whataretheybotheringtogofor?’
Hepausedforamomentandthenadded:‘Hah.I’m beingstupid.Where’sthemoney?’
‘Ibegyourpardon,commander?’
‘That’swhatmyoldsergeantusedtosaywhenhe
waspuzzled,sir.Findoutwherethemoneyisand you’vegotithalfsolved.’
Vetinaristoodupandwalkedovertothebig window,withhisbacktothem.
‘Alargecountry,Uberwald,’hesaid,apparently addressingtheglass.‘Dark.Mysterious.Ancient...’
‘Hugeuntappedreservesofcoalandironore,’said Carrot.‘Andfat,ofcourse.Thebestcandles,lampoils andsoapcomeultimatelyfromtheSchmaltzberg deposits.’
‘Why?We’vegotourownslaughterhouse,haven’t we?’
‘Ankh-Morporkusesagreatmanycandles,sir.’
‘Itcertainlydoesn’tusemuchsoap,’saidVimes.
‘Therearesomanyusesforfatsandtallows,sir.We couldn’tpossiblysupplyourselves.’
‘Ah,’saidVimes.
ThePatriciansighed.‘ObviouslyIhopethatwe maystrengthenourtradinglinkswiththevarious nationswithinUberwald,’hesaid.‘Thesituationthere isvolatileintheextreme.Doyou know muchabout Uberwald,CommanderVimes?’
Vimes,whoseknowledgeofgeographywas microscopicallydetailedwithinfivemilesofAnkhMorporkandmerelymicroscopicbeyondthat, noddeduncertainly.
‘Onlythatit’snotreallyacountry,’saidVetinari. ‘It’s—’
‘It’srathermorewhatyouget before youget countries,’saidCarrot.‘It’smainlyfortifiedtownsand fiefdomswithnorealboundariesandlotsofforestin
between.There’salwayssomesortoffeudgoingon. There’snolawapartfromwhateverthelocallords enforce,andbanditryofallkindsisrife.’
‘Sounlikethehomelifeofourowndearcity,’said Vimes,notquiteunderhisbreath.ThePatriciangave himanimpassiveglance.
‘InUberwaldthedwarfsandtrollshaven’tsettled theiroldgrievances,’Carrotcontinued,‘therearelarge areascontrolledbyfeudalvampireorwerewolfclans, andtherearealsotractswithmuchhigherthan normalbackgroundmagic.Itisachaoticplace, indeed,andyou’dhardlythinkyouwereinthe CenturyoftheFruitbat.Itistobehopedthatthings willimprove,however,andUberwaldwill,happily,be joiningthecommunityofnations.’
VimesandVetinariexchangedlooks.Sometimes Carrotsoundedlikeacivicsessaywrittenbya stunnedchoirboy.
‘Wellput,’saidthePatricianatlast.‘Butuntilthat joysomedayUberwaldremainsamysteryinsidea riddlewrappedinanenigma.’
‘LetmeseeifI’vegotthisright,’saidVimes. ‘Uberwaldislikethisbigsuetpuddingthateveryone’s suddenlynoticed,andnowwiththiscoronationasan excusewe’veallgottorushtherewithknife,fork andspoontoshovelasmuchonourplatesas possible?’
‘Yourgraspofpoliticalrealityismasterly,Vimes. Youlackonlytheappropriatevocabulary.AnkhMorporkmustsendarepresentative,obviously.An ambassador,asitwere.’
‘You’renotsuggestingIshouldgotothisaffair,are you?’saidVimes.
‘Oh,Icouldn’tsendtheCommanderoftheCity Watch,’saidLordVetinari.‘MostoftheUberwald countrieshavenoconceptofamoderncivilpeacekeepingauthority.’ Vimesrelaxed.
‘I’msendingtheDukeofAnkhinstead.’ Vimessatboltupright.
‘Theyaremostlyfeudalsystems,’Vetinariwenton. ‘Theysetgreatstorebyrank—’
‘I’mnotbeingorderedtogotoUberwald!’
‘Ordered,yourgrace?’Vetinarilookedshockedand concerned.‘Goodheavens,ImusthavemisunderstoodLadySybil...Shetoldmeyesterdaythata holidayalongwayfromAnkh-Morporkwoulddo youtheworldofgood...’
‘You spoke toSybil?’
‘AtthereceptionforthenewPresidentofthe Tailors’Guild,yes.Ibelieveyouleftearly.Youwere calledaway.Someemergency,Iunderstand.Lady Sybilhappenedtomentionhowyouseemedtobe,as sheputit,constantlyonthejob,andonethingledto another.Ohdear,IdohopeIhaven’tcausedsome maritalmisunderstanding...’
‘Ican’tleavethecity now ofalltimes!’saidVimes desperately.‘There’ssomuchtodo!’
‘ThatisexactlywhySybilsaysyououghttoleave thecity,’saidVetinari.
‘Butthere’sthenewtrainingschool—’ ‘Tickingovernicelynow,sir,’saidCarrot.
‘Thewholecarrier-pigeonnetworkisacomplete mess—’
‘Moreorlesssortedout,sir,nowwe’vechanged theirfeed.Besides,theclacksseemstobefunctioning verywell.’
‘We’vegottogettheRiverWatchsetup—’
‘Can’tdomuchforaweekortwo,sir,untilwe’ve dredgeduptheboat.’
‘ThedrainsattheChitterlingStreetstationare—’
‘I’vegottheplumbersworkingonit,sir.’
Vimesknewthathehadlost.Hehadlostassoonas Sybilwasinvolved,becauseshewasalwaysareliable siegeengineagainstthewallsofhisdefences.But therewassuchathingasgoingdownfighting.
‘You know I’mnogoodatdiplomatictalk,’hesaid.
‘Onthecontrary,Vimes,youappeartohave amazedthediplomaticcorpshereinAnkh-Morpork,’ saidLordVetinari.‘They’renotusedtoplainspeech. Itconfusesthem.WhatwasityousaidtotheIstanzian ambassadorlastmonth?’Heriffledthroughthe papersonhisdesk.‘Letmesee,thecomplaintishere somewhere...Oh,yes,onthematterofmilitary incursionsacrosstheSlipnirriver,youindicatedthat furthertransgressionswouldinvolvehim,personally, thatistosaytheambassador,andIquote“going homeinanambulance”.’
‘I’msorryaboutthat,sir,butithadbeenalongday andhewasreallygettingonmy—’
‘Sincewhentheirarmedforceshavepulledbackso farthattheyarenearlyinthenextcountry,’saidLord Vetinari,movingthepaperaside.‘Ihavetosaythat
yourobservationcompliedonlywiththegeneral thrust ofmyviewinthismatterbutwas,atleast,succinct. Apparentlyyoualsolookedattheambassadorinavery threateningway.’
‘ItwasonlythewayIusuallylook.’
‘Tobesure.Happily,inUberwaldyouwillonly needtolookfriendly.’
‘Ah,butyoudon’twantmesayingthingslike“How aboutsellingusallyourfatreallycheap?”doyou?’ saidVimesdesperately.
‘Youwillnotberequiredtodo any negotiating, Vimes.Thatwillbedealtwithbyoneofmyclerks, whowillsetupthetemporaryembassyanddiscuss suchmatterswithhisoppositenumbersamongthe courtsofUberwald.Allclerksspeakthesame language. You willsimplybeasducalasyoucan.And, ofcourse,youwilltakearetinue.Astaff,’Vetinari added,seeingVimes’sblanklook.Hesighed.‘People togowithyou.IsuggestSergeantAngua,Sergeant Detritus,andCorporalLittlebottom.’
‘Ah,’saidCarrot,noddingencouragingly.
‘Sorry?’saidVimes.‘Ithinktheremusthavebeena wholepieceofconversationjustthenthatImusthave missed.’
‘Awerewolf,atrollandadwarf,’saidCarrot.‘Ethnic minorities,sir.’
‘...butinUberwaldtheyareethnic majorities,’said LordVetinari.‘Allthreeofficerscomefromthere originally,Ibelieve.Theirpresencewillspeakvolumes.’
‘Sofarithasn’tsentmeapostcard,’saidVimes.‘I’d rathertake—’
‘Sir,itwillshowpeopleinUberwaldthatAnkhMorporkisamulticulturalsociety,yousee?’said Carrot.
‘Oh,Isee.“Peoplelikeus”.Peopleyoucando businesswith,’saidVimesglumly.
‘Sometimes,’Vetinarisaidtestily,‘itreallydoesseem tomethatthecultureofcynicismintheWatchis... is...’
‘Insufficient?’saidVimes.Therewassilence.‘All right,’hesighed,‘I’dbettergooffandpolishtheknobs onmycoronet,hadn’tI...?’
‘Theducalcoronet,ifIremembermyheraldry, doesnothaveknobson.Itisdecidedly...spiky,’said thePatrician,pushingacrossthedeskasmallpileof paperstoppedbyagold-edgedinvitationcard.‘Good. Iwillhavea...aclackssentimmediately.Youwillbe morefullybriefedlater.Dogivemyregardstothe Duchess.Andnow,pleasedonotletmedetainyou further...’
‘Healwayssaysthat,’mutteredVimesasthetwo menhurrieddownthestairs.‘HeknowsIdon’tlike beingmarriedtoaduchess.’
‘IthoughtyouandLadySybil—’
‘Oh,beingmarriedtoSybilisfine,fine,’saidVimes hurriedly.‘It’sjusttheduchessbitIdon’tlike.Where iseveryonetonight?’
‘CorporalLittlebottom’sonpigeonduty,Detritusis onnightpatrolwithSwires,andAngua’sonspecial dutyintheShades,sir.Youremember?WithNobby?’
‘Ohgods,yes.Well,whentheycomeintomorrow you’dbettergetthemtoreporttome.Incidentally,get
thatbloodywigoffNobbyandhideit,willyou?’ Vimesleafedthroughthepaperwork.‘I’venever heardoftheLowKingofthedwarfs.Ithoughtthat “king”indwarfishjustmeantasortofsenior engineer.’
‘Ah,well,theLowKingisratherspecial,’said Carrot.
‘Why?’
‘Well,itallstartswiththeSconeofStone,sir.’
‘Thewhat?’
‘Wouldyoumindalittledetouronthewaybackto theYard,sir?It’llmakethingsclearer.’
TheyoungwomanstoodonacornerintheShades. Hergeneralstanceindicatedthatshewas,inthe specializedpatoisofthearea,alady-in-waiting.Tobe moreprecise,alady-in-waitingforMrRight,orat leastMrRightAmount.
Sheidlyswungherhandbag.
Thiswasaveryrecognizablesignal,foranyonewith thebrainsofapigeon.AmemberoftheThieves’ Guildwouldhavepassedcarefullybyontheother sideofthelane,givinghernothingmorethana gentlemanlyandaboveallnon-aggressivenod.Even theless-politefreelancethieveswholurkedinthis areawouldhavethoughttwicebeforeeyeingthe handbag.TheSeamstresses’Guildoperatedavery swiftandnon-reversiblekindofjustice.
TheskinnybodyofDoneItDuncan,however,did not havethebrainsofapigeon.Thelittlemanhad beenwatchingthebaglikeacatforfullyfiveminutes,
andnowtheverythoughtofitscontentshad hypnotizedhim.Hecouldpracticallytastethemoney. Heroseonhistoes,loweredhishead,dashedoutof thealley,grabbedthebagandgotseveralinches beforetheworldexplodedbehindhimandheended upflatinthemud.
Somethingrightbyhisearstartedtodrool.And therewasalong,verylong-drawn-outgrowl,not changingintoneatall,justunrollingadeeppromiseof whatwouldhappenifhetriedtomove.
Heheardfootsteps,andoutofthecornerofhiseyes sawaswirloflace.
‘Oh, DoneIt,’saidavoice.‘Bag-snatching?That’sa bitlow,isn’tit?Evenforyou.Youcould’vegotreally hurt.It’sonlyDuncan,miss.He’llbenotrouble.You canlethimup.’
TheweightwasremovedfromDuncan’sback.He heardsomethingpadoffintothegloomofanalley.
‘Idoneit,Idoneit!’saidthelittlethiefdesperately asCorporalNobbshelpedhimtohisfeet.
‘Yes,Iknowyoudid,I saw you,’saidNobby.‘And youknowwhat’dhappentoyouiftheThieves’Guild spottedyou?You’dbedeadintheriverwithnotime offforgoodbehaviour.’
‘Theyhateme’cosI’msogood,’saidDuncan throughhismattedbeard.‘’ere,youknowtherobbery atAllJolson’slastmonth?Idonethat.’
‘That’sright,Duncan.Youdonethat.’
‘An’thathaulatthegoldvaultslastweek,Idone thattoo.Itwasn’tCoalfaceandhisboys.’
‘No,itwasyou,wasn’tit,Duncan?’
‘An’thatjobatthegoldsmith’sthateveryonesays CrunchieRondone—’
‘Youdoneit,didyou?’
‘’s’right,’saidDuncan.
‘Anditwasyouwhatstolefirefromthegods,too, wasn’tit,Duncan?’saidNobby,grinningevillyunder hiswig.
‘Yeah,thatwasme.’Duncannodded.Hesniffed.‘I wasabityoungerthen,ofcourse.’HepeeredshortsightedlyatNobbyNobbs.
‘Why’veyougotadresson,Nobby?’ ‘It’shush-hush,Duncan.’
‘Ah,right.’Duncanshifteduneasily.‘Youcouldn’t sparemeabobortwo,couldyou,Nobby?Iain’teaten fortwodays.’
Smallcoinsgleamedinthedark.
‘Nowpushoff,’saidCorporalNobbs.
‘Thanks,Nobby.Yougotanyunsolvedcrimes,you knowwheretofindme.’
Duncanlurchedoffintothenight.
SergeantAnguaappearedbehindNobby,buckling onherbreastplate.
‘Poorolddevil,’shesaid.
‘Hewasagoodthiefinhisday,’saidNobby,taking anotebookoutofhishandbagandjottingdownafew lines.
‘Kindofyoutohelphim,’saidAngua.
‘Werl,Icangetthemoneybackoutofpettycash,’ saidNobby.‘An’nowweknowwhodidthebullion job,don’twe?That’llbeafeatherinmycapwith MisterVimes.’
‘Bonnet,Nobby.’
‘What?’
‘Yourbonnet,Nobby.It’sgotaratherfetchingband offlowersaroundit.’
‘Oh...yeah...’
‘It’snotthatI’mcomplaining,’saidAngua,‘but whenwewereassignedthisjobIthoughtitwas me whowasgoingtobethedecoyandyouwhowasgoing tobetheback-up,Nobby.’
‘Yeah,butwhatwithyoubein’...’Nobby’s expressioncreasedasheedgedhiswayintounfamiliarlinguisticterritory,‘...mor...phor...log ...ic...allygifted...’
‘Awerewolf,Nobby.Iknowtheword.’
‘Right...well,obviously,you’dbealotbetterat lurkin’,an’...an’obviouslyit’snotright,women havin’toactasdecoysinpolicework...’
Anguahesitated,asshesooftendidwhenattemptingtotalktoNobbyondifficultmatters,andwaved herhandsinfrontofherasiftryingtoshapethe invisibledoughofherthoughts.
‘It’sjustthat...Imean,peoplemight...’ shebegan.‘Imean...well,youknowwhat peoplecallmenwhowearwigsandgowns,don’t you?’
‘Yes,miss.’
‘Youdo?’
‘Yes,miss.Lawyers,miss.’
‘Good.Yes.Good,’saidAnguaslowly.‘Nowtry anotherone...’
‘Er...actors,miss?’
Anguagaveup.‘Youlookgoodintaffeta,Nobby,’ shesaid.
‘Youdon’tthinkitmakesmelooktoofat?’ Anguasniffed.‘Oh,no...’shesaidquietly.
‘IthoughtI’dbetterputscentonforverysillymitude,’saidNobbyquickly.
‘What?Oh...’Anguashookherhead,tookanother breath.‘Icansmell...some...thing...else...’
‘That’ssurprising,’costhisstuff’sabitonthe pungentsideandfranklyIdon’tthinklilyof thevalleyissupposedtosmelllikethis...’
‘It’snotperfume.’
‘...butthelavenderstufftheyhadyoucouldclean brasswith...’
‘CanyougetbacktotheChitterlingstationby yourself,Nobby?’saidAngua.Despiteherrising panic,shementallyadded: afterall,whatcould happen?Imean,really?
‘Yes,miss.’
‘There’ssomethingI’dbetter...sortout.’
Anguahurriedaway,thenewscentfillingher nostrils.ItwouldhavetobepowerfultocombatEau deNobbs,anditwas.Oh,it was.
Nothere,shethought.Notnow. Nothim.
Therunningmanswungalongabranchwetwith snow,andmanagedatlasttolowerhimselfontoa branchbelongingtothenexttree.Thattookhim alongwayfromthestream.Howgoodwastheirsense ofsmell?Prettydamngood,heknew.Butthisgood?
He’dgotoutofthestreamontoanotheroverhangingbranch.Iftheyfollowedthebanks,andthey’dbe brightenoughtodothat,they’dsurelyneverknow he’dleftthestream.
Therewasahowl,awaytotheleft. Heheadedright,intothegloomoftheforest.
VimesheardCarrotscrabblearoundinthegloom, andthesoundofakeyinthelock.
‘IthoughttheCampaignforEqualHeightswas runningthisplacenow,’hesaid.
‘It’ssohardtofindvolunteers,’saidCarrot,usheringhimthroughthelowdoorandlightingacandle.‘I comeineverydayjusttokeepaneyeonthings,but nooneelseseemsveryinterested.’
‘Ican’timaginewhy,’saidVimes,lookingaround theDwarfBreadMuseum.
Theonepositivethingyoucouldsayaboutthe breadproductsaroundhimwasthattheywereprobablyasediblenowastheyhadbeenonthedaythey werebaked.
‘Forged’wasabetterterm.Dwarfbreadwasmade asamealoflastresortandalsoasaweaponanda currency.Dwarfswerenot,asfarasVimesknew, religiousinanyway,butthewaytheythoughtabout breadcameclose.
Therewasatinkleandascrabblingnoisesomewhereinthegloom.
‘Rats,’saidCarrot.‘Theyneverstoptryingtoeat dwarfbread,poorthings.Ah,hereweare.TheSconeof Stone.Areplica,ofcourse.’
Vimesstaredatthemisshapenthingonitsdusty displaystand.It was vaguelyscone-like,butonlyif someonepointedthisouttoyoubeforehand. Otherwise,theterm‘alumpofrock’waspretty accurate.Itwasaboutthesize,andshape,ofawell sat-oncushion.Therewereafewfossilizedcurrants visible.
‘Mywiferestsherfeetonsomethinglikethatwhen she’shadalongday,’hesaid.
‘It’sfifteenhundredyearsold,’saidCarrot,with somethinglikeaweinhisvoice.
‘Ithoughtthiswasthereplica.’
‘Well,yes...butit’sareplicaofaveryimportant thing,sir,’saidCarrot.
Vimessniffed.Theairhadacertainpungent quality.‘Smellsstronglyofcatsinhere,doesn’tit?’
‘I’mafraidtheygetinaftertherats,sir.Aratwho’s nibbledondwarfbreadtendsnottobeabletorun veryfast.’
Vimeslitacigar.Carrotgaveitalookofuncertain disapproval.‘Wedothankpeoplefornotsmoking inhere,sir,’hesaid.
‘Why?Youdon’tknowthey’renotgoingto,’said Vimes.Heleanedagainstthedisplaycabinet.‘All right,captain.WhyamI really goingto...Bonk?I don’tknowalotaboutdiplomacy,butIdoknowit’s neverjustaboutonething.What’stheLowKing? Why’reourdwarfsscrapping?’
‘Well,sir...Haveyouheardof kruk?’ ‘Dwarfmininglaw?’saidVimes.
‘Welldone,sir.Butit’salotmorethanthat.It’s
about...howyoulive.Lawsofownership,marriage laws,inheritance,rulesfordealingwithdisputesofall kinds,thatsortofthing.Everything,really.Andthe LowKing...well,youcouldcallhimthefinalcourt ofappeal.He’sadvised,ofcourse,buthe’sgotthelast word.Stillwithme?’
‘Makessensesofar.’
‘AndheiscrownedontheSconeofStoneandsits onittogivehisjudgementsbecausealltheLowKings havedonethateversinceB’hrianBloodaxe,fifteen hundredyearsago.It...givesauthority.’
Vimesnoddeddourly.Thatmadesense,too.You didsomethingbecauseithadalwaysbeendone,and theexplanationwas‘Butwe’ve always doneitthis way.’Amilliondeadpeoplecan’thavebeenwrong, canthey?
‘Doeshegetelected,orbornorwhat?’hesaid.
‘Isupposeyoucouldsayhe’selected,’saidCarrot. ‘Butreallyalotofseniordwarfsarrangeitamong themselves.Afterlisteningtootherdwarfs,ofcourse. Takingsoundings,it’scalled.Traditionallyhe’sfrom oneofthebigfamilies.But...er...’
‘Yes?’
‘Thingsarealittledifferentthisyear.Tempersarea bit...stretched.’
Ah,thoughtVimes.
‘Wrongdwarfwon?’hesaid.
‘Somedwarfswouldsayso.Butit’smorethatthe wholeprocesshasbeencalledintoquestion,’said Carrot.‘Bythedwarfsinthebiggestdwarfcityoutside Uberwald.’
‘Don’ttellme,thatmustbethatplaceHubwards of—’
‘It’sAnkh-Morpork,sir.’
‘What?We’renotadwarfcity!’
‘Fiftythousanddwarfsnow,sir.’ ‘Really?’
‘Yes,sir.’
‘Areyou sure ?’
‘Yes,sir.’
Ofcourseheis,Vimesthought.Heprobablyknows themallbyname.
‘Youhavetounderstand,sir,thatthere’sasortof bigdebategoingon,’saidCarrot.‘Onhowyoudefine adwarf.’
‘Well, some peoplemightsaythatthey’recalled dwarfsbecause—’
‘No,sir.Notsize.NobbyNobbsisshorterthan manydwarfs,andwedon’tcall him adwarf.’
‘Wedon’tcallhimahuman,either,’saidVimes.
‘And,ofcourse,Iamalsoadwarf.’
‘Youknow,Carrot,Ikeepmeaningtotalktoyou aboutthat—’
‘Adoptedbydwarfs,broughtupbydwarfs.To dwarfsI’madwarf,sir.Icandotheriteof k’zakra,I knowthesecretsof h’ragna,Ican ha’lk my g’rakha correctly...Iamadwarf.’
‘Whatdothosethingsmean?’
‘I’mnotallowedtotellnon-dwarfs.’Carrottactfully triedtostandoutofthewayofthecigarsmoke. ‘Unfortunately,someofthemountaindwarfsthink thatdwarfswho’vemovedawayaren’tproperdwarfs
either.Butthistimethekingshiphasbeenswungby theviewsoftheAnkh-Morporkdwarfs,andalotof dwarfsbackhomedon’tlikeit.There’sbeenalot ofbadfeelingallround.Familiesfallingout,that sortofthing.Muchpullingofbeards.’
‘Really?’Vimestriednottosmile.
‘It’snotfunnyifyou’readwarf.’ ‘Sorry.’
‘AndI’mafraidthisnewLowKingisonlygoingto makemattersworse,althoughofcourseIwishhim well.’
‘Tough,ishe?’
‘Er,Ithinkyoucanassume,sir,thatanydwarfwho risessufficientlyindwarfsocietytoevenbe considered asacandidateforthekingshipdidnotgetthereby singingthehi-hosongandbandagingwounded animalsintheforest.Butbydwarfstandards,King RhysRhyssonisamodernthinker,althoughIhearhe doesn’tlikeAnkh-Morporkverymuch.’
‘Soundslikeaveryclearthinker,too.’
‘Anyway,thishasupsetalotofthemore,er, traditionalmountaindwarfswhothoughtthenext kingwouldbeAlbrechtAlbrechtson.’
‘Whois not amodernthinker?’
‘Hethinksevencomingupabovegroundis dangerouslynon-dwarfish.’
Vimessighed.‘Well,Icanseethere’saproblem, Carrot,butthethingaboutthisproblem,thekey point,isthatit’snotmine.Oryours,dwarfornot.’He tappedtheScone’scase.
‘Replica,eh?’hesaid.‘Sureit’snottherealone?’
‘Sir!ThereisonlyonerealScone.Wecallitthe “thingandthewholeofthething”.’
‘Well,ifit’sagoodreplica,who’dknow?’ ‘Anydwarfwould,sir.’ ‘Onlyjoking.’
Therewasahamletdownthere,wheretworivers met.Therewouldbeboats.
Thiswas working.Theslopesbehindhimwere whiteandfreeofdarkshapes.Nomatterhowgood theywere,letthemtrytooutswimaboat...
Hard-packedsnowcrunchedunderhisfeet.He staggeredpastthefewroughhovels,sawthejetty, sawtheboats,foughtwiththefrozenropethat mooredthenearestone,grabbedanoarandpushed himselfoutintothecurrent.
Therewasstillnomovementonthehills.
Now,atlast,hecouldtakestock.Itwasabiggerboat thanonemancouldhandle,butallhehadtodowas fendoffthebanks.That’ddofortonight.Inthe morninghecouldleaveitsomewhere,perhapsask someonetogetamessagethroughtothetower,and thenhe’dbuyahorseand...
Behindhim,underthetarpaulininthebows,somethingstartedtogrowl.
Theyreallywere very clever.
InacastlenotfarawaythevampireLadyMargolotta satquietly,leafingthrough Twurp’sPeerage.
Itwasn’taverygoodreferencebookforthe countriesonthissideoftheRamtops,where
thestandardworkwas TheAlmanacdeGothick,in whichsheherselfoccupiedalmostfourpages,*butif youneededtoknowwhothoughttheywerewhoin Ankh-Morporkitwasinvaluable.
Hercopywasnowbristlingwithbookmarks.She sighedandpusheditaway.
Besideherwasaflutedglasscontainingared liquid.Shetookasipandmadeaface.Thenshestared atthecandlelight,andtriedtothinklikeLord Vetinari.
Howmuchdidhesuspect?Howmuchnewsgot back?Theclackstowerhadonlybeenupforamonth, anditwasbeingroundlydenouncedthroughout Bonkasanintrusion.Butitseemedtobedoinga goodifstealthylocaltraffic.
Whowouldhesend?
Hischoicewouldtellhereverything,shewassure. SomeonelikeLordRustorLordSelachii...?Well, she’dthinkalotlessofhim.Fromallthatshehad heard,andLadyMargolottaheardalotofthings,the Ankh-Morporkdiplomaticcorpsasawholecould notfinditsbacksidewithamap.Ofcourse,itwas goodbusinessforadiplomattoappearstupid,right uptothemomentwherehe’dstolenyoursocks,but LadyMargolottahadmetsomeofAnkh-Morpork’s finestandnoonecouldact that well.
Thegrowinghowlingoutsidebegantogetonher nerves.Sherangforherbutler.
*Vampiresevolvelongnames.It’ssomethingtodotopassthelong years.
T ERRY P RATCHETT
‘Yeth,mithtreth?’saidIgor,materializingoutofthe shadows.
‘Goandtellthechildrenofthenighttomake vonderfulmusicsomevhereelse,villyou?Ihavea headache.’
‘Indeed,mithtreth.’
LadyMargolottayawned.Ithadbeenalongnight. She’dthinkbetterafteragoodday’ssleep.
Asshewenttoblowoutthecandlesheglanced againatthebook.TherewasamarkerintheVs.
But...surelyeventhePatriciancouldn’tknow that much...
Shehesitatedandthenpulledthebellropeabove thecoffin.Igorreappeared,inthewayofIgors.
‘Thosekeenyoungmenattheclackstowervillbe avake,von’tthey?’
‘Yeth,mithtreth.’
‘Sendaclackstoouragentaskingfor everything aboutCommanderVimesoftheVatch,villyou?’
‘Ithheadiplomat,mithtreth?’
LadyMargolottalayback.‘No,Igor.He’sthe reason fordiplomats.Closethelid,villyou?’
SamVimescouldparallel-process.Mosthusbands can.Theylearntofollowtheirownlineofthought while atthesametime listeningtowhattheirwives say.Andthelisteningisimportant,becauseatany timetheycouldbechallengedandmustbereadyto quotethelastsentenceinfull.Avitaladditionalskill isbeingabletoscanthedialoguefortelltalephrases, suchas‘andtheycandeliverittomorrow’or‘soI’ve
invitedthemfordinner’or‘theycandoitinblue, reallyquitecheaply’.
LadySybilwasawareofthis.Samcouldcoherently carryanentireconversationwhilethinkingabout somethingcompletelydifferent.
‘I’lltellWillikinstopackwinterclothes,’shesaid, watchinghim.‘It’llbeprettycoldupthereatthistime ofyear.’
‘Yes.That’sagoodidea.’Vimescontinuedtostareat apointjustabovethefireplace.
‘We’llhavetohostapartyourselves,Iexpect,sowe oughttotakeacartloadoftypicalAnkh-Morpork food.Showtheflag,youknow.DoyouthinkIshould takeacookalong?’
‘Yes,dear.Thatwouldbeagoodidea.Nooneoutsidethecityknowshowtomakeaknucklesandwich properly.’
Sybilwasimpressed.Earsoperatingentirelyon automatichadneverthelesstriggeredthemouthinto makingasmallbutpertinentcontribution.
Shesaid,‘Doyouthinkweoughttotakethe alligatorwithus?’
‘Yes,thatmightbeadvisable.’
Shewatchedhisface.Smallfurrowsformedon Vimes’sbrowastheearsnudgedthebrain.He blinked.
‘Whatalligator?’
‘Youweremilesaway,Sam.InUberwald,Iexpect.’ ‘Sorry.’
‘Isthereaproblem?’
‘Why’shesending me,Sybil?’