The Marionette by Noah Zuares

The Marionette April 1, 2008

Volume 345, Issue Π

This is a work of satire. Quotes may be inaccurate or ﬁctionalized. Don’t sue.

6 + 1 = 8? ‘Six’ search for eighth member Regina George

Class of 2011 With the world watching, The 6 began hearing testimony from applicants hoping to become the group’s eighth member. Considered one of the elite groups at Lower Merion, The 6 have carried on a long tradition of being smart, popular, and simply better than you in every way imaginable. Made up of seven senior girls, The 6 currently consists of Dana Bookman, Neera Chatterjee, Hannah Kadesch, Liz Lewis, Nikki Siedman, Lauren Bernstein, and Ali Reiff. After several days in committee, The 6 unanimously passed the “Resolution for the Initiation of a New Member”, officially beginning the search for the eighth member. “It was a tough decision,” said Bookman. “We had a lot to think about, but I’m pretty happy with our decision.” During testimony, each applicant is allotted 30 minutes in which they must prove to The 6 what makes them “6 Material”. For an applicant to be considered “6 Material”, they must show that they already have an established reputation among the student body, prove that they meet other very specific criteria including, but not limited to, fantastic social skills, outgoing personality, and of course a nickname that accurately describes them, while also being somewhat self-mocking. “We follow a very strict code, and it’s important that our new member can adapt easily into our world,” said Chaterjee. “If these girls want to be members of The 6, we need to be absolutely positive that they have what it takes to be a part of our world.” Following testimony, the current members of The 6 will make the first round of cuts, narrowing the group down to a lucky select few. Over the following weeks the remaining applicants will be subject to several nationally televised tasks, tests, and challenges that will further determine whether or not they are capable of joining. Of course, America also gets an opportunity to vote by texting in their favorite after each round of performances. When a final decision has been made, all seven members of The 6 will announce new, eighth member of the group. The 6 believe that with an addition of an eighth member, they will be able to continue to reign as the supreme social group in Lower Merion, even after graduation. The 12, a group of about 14 freshmen, assuming that they are mathematically proportional to The 6, hope to leave their own mark on the LM social scene. Since freshman year, The 6 have been a staple within the Lower Merion social scene, and they hope that the addition of an eighth member will only add to their already stellar reputation and overall likeability. “I’m really looking forward to finding our eighth member,” said Bernstein. “The 6 is a fantastic group. We even have sweatshirts. And the addition of a new member to The 6 will not only benefit us, but probably the rest of Lower Merion too.”

Benny Kaufman: The new face of LM Powderpuff See page 42

Helfaer caught in scandal Bill Clinton

Class of 1997 In a shocking turn of events, the FBI has revealed that LM student body president Sam Helfaer has been involved in a high-class prostitution ring. According the report issued yesterday, Helfaer, otherwise known as Client 10, was caught on a wiretap discussing arrangements to meet a “high-class escort” for a “night on the town.” It is reported that Helfaer spent a whopping $5,000 for the anonymous woman’s services, using up all of the senior class’s money for prom. Immediately following the revelation, Helfaer issued a public apology to the LM community, saying, “I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me. I acted in a way that violates my obligations to my friends, family, and student body.” According to the report, Helfaer had been caught several times arranging “meetings” with “employees” of the King’s Realm. The FBI has been watching Helfaer for several months ever since they received an anonymous tip concerning Client 10’s possible involvement in the embezzlement of large amounts of money earned during recent school dances. During the investigation the Feds began to pickup on Helfaer’s involvement in the prostitution ring, documenting numerous calls and text messages in which the “encounters”

were planned. The news of Helfaer’s “participation” in “unspeakable acts” has sent shockwaves throughout the LM community. This news comes nearly one year after the revelation that former LM president Andrew Karasik tried to hire an assassin to “take care of some extra business.” “I’m deeply disappointed to hear about Mr. Helfaer’s involvement in

ofﬁce. Many have assumed hijinks similar to those found in the Tom Hank’s classic Bachelor Party will take place throughout the school. It remains unclear, however, whether or not he will be reprimanded by the school district. Twelfth grade viceprincipal Sean Hughes said, “He’ll probably get a couple detentions. Maybe an in school suspension, but I doubt it. If you ask me, it’s pretty

this prostitution ring,” said Principal Nort Seaman. “You know, 99% of the students here aren’t involved in prostitution rings, and unfortunately there’s that 1% that just don’t want to be here. They’d rather be with a prostitute.” While Helfaer has announced that he will ofﬁcially step down next Monday, leaving speculation as to how he will spend his ﬁnal week in

funny.” Other members of the LM community were more critical of Helfaer: “His voluntary voyeurism verily vexes the entire LM community,” said senior Greg Feldman. Current student body vice-president Amy Rosemblum will immediately replace Helfaer, and has already promised to make LM a “prostitutefree zone.”

Something missing? See inside...

Cahill to freeze rebel insurgent Henneberry in carbonite after APUSH rivalry goes too far

2wins!

No. Not ever.

The Marionette Haglund loses ﬁght to two ﬁve-year-olds

Haglund suffers the aftermath of his dismal defeat.

Mike Tyson

Class of 1960

After a boost of confidence from the website www. howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com, English teacher J.B. Haglund reserved the LM main gym last weekend for an all out battle with 25 five-year-olds. His lightening-like reflexes allowed him to easily dispose of the first tyke, but as the mob approached, Haglund became paralyzed with fear and was trampled to the ground by the very next one. “I was just trying to prove my own masculinity, as an English teacher it’s not something that comes naturally and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity,” said Haglund from his hospital bed. “I wasn’t expecting them to be so strong. I was so sure I’d be able to take them, I mean they’re only five.” Weapons weren’t allowed, but prior to the match, some students assumed that Haglund would pick up the very first five-year-old to use as a battering ram against the rest. “It’s the only way to do it,” insisted one of Haglund’s former students, junior Sam Fineman. “He definitely can just swing one around and take down like five or ten of

Bessie the Cow

Class of moooooo

Staining an otherwise immaculate math season, a member of LM’s math team has tested positive for anabolic steroid use, methadedamines, as well three types levels of alcohol were so high in the mathelete that drug administers had to adopt a loga-

them.” He may have attempted such an intense maneuver, but all of Haglund’s efforts were quickly stymied, leaving him frozen to the spot and helpless against the oncoming throng of toddlers. While Haglund’s students were stunned at his quick defeat, junior Kyra Sutton says it’s for the best. “Knocking innocent and adorable fiveyear-old kids unconscious for no good reason but to prove your own dumb masculinity is an appalling abuse of power. He got what he deserved.” Haglund suffered a few minor injuries, including a broken rib and several bite marks on his arms and legs. He is expected to make a complete physical recovery, but his psyche will likely be scarred forever. “Everything I thought about myself was wrong. Now, every night before I go to bed I have to check my entire house just to make sure they’re not coming back,” said Haglund, who then jumped out of his seat and began running at full speed, screaming “Oh God! They’re back! They’re back!” Of course, there were no fiveyear-olds in sight.

SNOOZE

Mr. Grace gives death test

Gilbert Newton Lewis

Class of 1920

Western Civilizations teacher John Grace recently administered his first ever pop “death test.” Over the course of 22 hours, 13 minutes, and 66 seconds, students had to create a time line of the history of the world, from pre-Big Bang all the way until that very second, according to James Burke. Grace has admitted to deducting points (and limbs) from students who missed key people, places, and alien sightings. 6 and 1⁄2 sophomores have been reported “missing.” Grace had no comment about these mysterious disappearances, but insisted that all of his students, despite suffering from severe hand cramps, are doing well. It is reported that even before the test was handed out, one student’s head exploded at the shear mention of a test. Ignoring the spontaneous decapitation, Grace administered the test to his class, placing cups underneath his students’ eyes in order to capture their tears. Within the first five minutes of receiving the test, many of Grace’s students were cowering in the fetal position, begging for mercy, or simply staring blankly at the head in front of them, having been rendered completely immobile. Oddly enough, Chemistry teacher Lawrence McAfoos was spotted that day handing out candy and hugs while dressed in a Pikachu costume on the third floor. Mr. McAfoos, upon a stunning realization he received in a dream, no longer believes in tests and formal grades. “I just find that these kids are under sooooo much pressure these days. It seems harsh to bog them down with any more work!”

Grace = intense. Yet Mr. Grace’s students now find themselves engulfed in work up to their eyebrows. “I think it’s terrible that Mr. Grace is giving us so much work. He’s not our only teacher. Plus the threat of the guillotine! That certainly puts a damper on things,” said an anonymous sophomore. That student was worried about the possibility of Mr. Grace finding his quote and subjecting him Inquisitorial interrogation. Some of Mr. Grace’s students, however, are pleased with the bubonic “death test”. “ I find that this test will be a very constructive use of our time, increasing our knowledge of the development of western civilization. Plus, if you happen to pass away during the test, it’s your fault. You should not misunderestimate Mr. Grace” said sophomore Peter Johnston when asked about the test. While the outcome of all the tests are yet to be known, one thing is certain: some students may lose their lives because of Mr. Grace’s impossibly hard style of teaching and grading.

Bro Island cuts back

Kilgroe Trout Jr.

Class of 1940 This week, one of the well-known tribes of the school voted one of their own off their island. At one of the tables on Bro Island, what other more PC members of the LM community call the “senior plateau”, a music discussion got pretty heated. “What?!,” one bro yelled, “YOU DON’T LOVE DAVE MATTHEWS?”. The others, decked out in matching gray sweatpants and New Balance 574’s, shuddered in utter terror. Slowly, the bros all backed away. “Yo, like, what are you going to tell us next – that you don’t like Jack Johnson? That you don’t like WEEZY? How could you not like DMB, with songs like “Ants Marching”, “Satellite”...I feel like I don’t even know you anymore, bro,” remarked another. As he moved his backwards hat further back on his head, one bro stroked his scruff beard, and pointed out that he felt betrayed. “Yeah dude, like, broseph, I feel like you shouldn’t even be up here anymore. What are we going to do if, like, you suddenly start painting or something like that? Like, I feel like you’d better leave.” Stopping the shamed bro, one grabbed his sleeve and demanded that he leave his Penn State hoodie behind. After lunch the dejected bro attempted to jump into conversation with his former tribe mates after complet-

Bros in their natural habitat ing his exit tige in DeFrage’s mage class, but decided to let things cool down a bit after their mid-day tiff. Later on as the lonely ex-bro walked up to his former friends at “Qdob” after lacrosse practice, the others stepped away. His plea for forgiveness from his former friends fell ﬂat. Clearly, they left him hanging. That was when the ousted bro ﬁnally realized he was not wanted. A bro would never leave another bro hanging. While the senior boy now no longer sits at Bro Island, you still may see him roaming the halls smelling of Axe and “abbreving” his new friends’ names. Not on “No school Mondays” though. You’ll never see a bro in school then, past or present.

Moo Alpha Theta ≠ integrity

rithmic scale in order to publish results. When confronted by reporters, the steroid abuser responded, “I was just under so much pressure. I just wanted 2b in by best physical shape to hit those keys on my TI as quick as I could. I was scared, you know, I see kids out there who can carry like 5 calculus books with one arm,

and I just couldn’t compete.” Math club coach, Mr. Kaczmar, responded, “the limit of my tolerance is reaching frickin 0.” Both Texas Instruments and Lenscrafters have pulled their sponsorships from the math team. In addition, the International Mathematics Standards Society (IMSS) has revoked the mathelete’s right to multiply,

add, and use square roots. As punishment, he will also have to serve 120 mandatory hours in the sun. This most recent steroid scandal now draws the lens on the past greats of the math world. How much of Stephen Hawking’s chiseled frame was pumped out naturally in the gym? Were Fermat’s legendary

legs constructed legitimately, or only half completed, like his Last Theorem? Are our algebra, our geometry, and number theory only the products of steroid-jacked doormats? The only thing we can do now is institute tougher testing methods to prevent any more debauchery. We must secure the integrity of mathematics, 4 ∞ ^ beyond.

Red October

The Marionette

EDITORIAL New schedule found to be “Just Right”

Our new schedule can be summed up in a single word: fantabulous! Truly, this schedule is a Boon to All Mankind, an achievement that has no equal, except, perhaps, the founding of western civilization itself! In fact, its unparalleled greatness is too much to express in ordinary prose; instead, let’s spell it out!

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Choirs of angels couldn’t sing its praise higher! Hell has frozen over with the advent of this mana

gerial hallmark! Elysium pales in comparison to the paradise created by the administration! Darkness gives way to light in this new epoch of modern civilization! Useful. No, extremely useful. No, ultra-useful. No, MEGA-useful. The USEFULLEST! Like yo, I know exactly where I should be right now! Ended all major combat operations in Iraq after Cday Advisory fomented love and caring! In conclusion the new schedule is a shining infallibility beyond the reproach of our lowly mortal criticisms! Paradise regained indeed! Unsigned editorial on this page reﬂect ABSOLUTE TRUTH derived from Op-Ed editor’s Divine Right.

The Merionite Better Than You since 1929

Editors-in-Chief P-P-P-PEA-NUT, ‘08 Dave Faichal Hair, ‘08

Arts & Entertainment Editors

Sofa Hirsch, ‘09 Jenny Smellin’, ‘09

Managing Editor Not Here Right Now, ‘08

Layout Editor Sam Dumb, ‘09

News Editors Chugga Chugga, ‘09 Chou Chou, ‘09

Business Manager MRSA Presser, ‘09

Op-Ed Editors Chairman Chou, ‘09 Beardly Headed Nik, ‘09 Features Editors Still Not Here, ‘08 Emma Saltz n’ Pepper, ‘09 Jellie Scone-nic, ‘09 Sports Editors Latin Heat, ‘08 Larry Eichel, ‘08 Hebrew Hammer, ‘09

Photo Editor Polka Dot, ‘08 Copy Editors Door Matt, ‘08 Bad Mother Zucker, ‘09 Advisor Beardly Departed Business Advisor Mr. In Like Flynn

The editors believe all facts presented in the newspaper to be completely acurate. The paper acknowledges that no mistakes are possible and refuses questions regarding our “supposed incompitence”. Inquiries regarding accuracy should not be directed to the editors of the paper, because you’re probably wrong. No seriously, its been statistically proven that the editors of the Merionite are, on average, at least ten time smarter than the average person. Your “suggestions” are probably completely uncorroborated and positivedly preposterous. Still, nice try, better luck next time.

KVETCHING

Letters to the Editor

Plea from man’s best friend Dear Chad, I thought we had something special. I thought we could have gone the distance. You were right for me, and I was right for you... or so I thought. But then came that day I woke up in our room in Puerto Rico, and you were gone. You were gone, and I felt like you had just ﬂushed me down a drain. Don’t you remember those cold, dark nights in the middle of February? How I snuggled warmly against your chin and kept you warm? I was your protector, the guard of your skin, and you hung me out to dry, clogging up the sink as a custodian named Jose tried to release me from my pain. How dare you get rid of me, after all of the times I looked out for you. Who kept

you warm when the wind chill dipped below freezing? Who sipped up the extra soup when you dropped some from your mouth? Me. I did more for you than you ever did for me, so you should be ashamed of yourself. I feel used, like a cheap napkin discarded like it had no more use in the world. I’m sorry. That was mean. I didn’t actually mean what I just said. I love you. I want to come back to you. Why don’t you just wait a little while, let the time grow on you, and see if you don’t actually want me back. I believe we are destined to be together for the long haul, and I hope you realize that before it’s too late. Come back to me. XoXo, Your Beard

My love for you is the only truth Dear Merionite, Honestly, I don’t know how you guys could do a better job. Every article is just perfection, and I can’t believe I have been blessed with a school paper as good as yours. First of all, your writers really know what they are talking about. The news articles are always fully researched, and they always have a perfect balance of quotations, so that neither side of an argument is presented too much as to introduce bias. I love the news articles! Then, there are the OpEds. Now, I don’t know what grades your writers get in English class, but I imagine that they all get straight A’s! I mean, the language, the precision, the conciseness, the EVERYTHING. They are just so well presented that I can’t disagree with them. That’s why my head explodes every time a read a point-counterpoint, because I just can’t decide – both sides represent themselves so well! Of course, features is nothing but spectacular. I love to find out what new restaurants are in the area, or what new fads are hitting LM. You guys really know what to pick! And of course,

how could I complain with the writing? It’s just such good reporting – exciting, informative, thrilling, and informational too. Good work guys! And who could I trust more to give me music advice than good ole’ Arts & Entertainment? No matter what album, what play, what movie; I know A&E will give me the fair scoop. I love checking in on what events are going on around Lower Merion too! I never knew one place could have so many different activities to enjoy in the arts! Let me tell you, if there was a PIAA State Championship for Sports Writing, our school would win every time. They just know EVERYTHING about sports! Their pictures are the coolest action shots, and from what I understand, Lower Merion has the best sports in the area too. Sports writers, I salute you! So, in sum, I LOVE the Merionite. You guys... you’re just so awesome. Don’t ever change what you’re doing! I hope I can read papers like this forever, because, frankly, the New York Times is a bit cheesy for my taste. Love, Newton Petterﬁeldston

July 4, 1776

The Marionette

MOP-HEAD

THE TREE: FRIEND OR FOE?

I hug because I care Cut down the rotting oak

I love trees. But it’s not because I’m an environmentalist. No, I love trees because I love America. Our nation today is ﬁlled with unanswered questions. How are we going to alleviate global warming? Who will be the next president of America? What’s going to happen to our economy? Nobody realizes, however, that the solution Steve the Hippie Class of ‘69 is all around us, in our backyards, in our jungles, in our forests. What America needs today is another Washington—a politician who will never tell a lie. The past century, however, has seen a decline in truthiness that has fallen in direct proportion to the number of tree saplings the public has had access to cut down. In addition, since deforestation made log cabins economically unviable in the 80’s, we have not had a politician who has been able to even remotely size up to the great emancipator, Abraham Lincoln. We must preserve trees to preserve our next generation of statesmen. But more than just honesty, we need politicians with cojones, with facial hair, with plaid shirts and chainsaws. Deforestation has cut down the tall muscular stalks of manliness that used to form the

spines of our nation. Deforestation has killed the lumberjack. Certainly we must praise the History Channel efforts to save our loggers, but cameras, microphones, and cable TV coverage are not what will save lumberjacks. What loggers need today is wood to grind their axes, little wood splinters to brush against their beards, the smell of dead oak to fell their lungs. We have our best scientiﬁc minds working on the energy problem right now. We cannot ignore the great contributions trees have made to science: the apple from the apple tree that precipitated Newtonian physics and sent a man to the moon, the shade countless maples and sycamores have given to the likes of Einstein, Feynman, and L. Ron Hubbard. And not only do forests grow our trees of knowledge, they nurture the economy that provides science’s bread and butter need. Trees diversify our work force, pulling up North, from their roots, workers from all walks of life. Trees maintain Canada-U.S. peace, providing the maple syrup that has up until now prevented allout annexation. Without trees, things fall apart. What will we have then? I’ll tell you what we’ll get. We’ll have communists supplanting everything we love about this country—red in the streets, vodka in the sewers, polonium in the water. Don’t be weak like Okonkwo. Hug trees like you would your father, or your very favoritest teddy bear.

Trees are the biggest menace facing American society in the 21st century. For centuries, nay, millennia, we have allowed these arboreal overlords to dominate human society, foolishly believing that we are somehow dependent on them for trivialities like oxygen. It is high time that the true nature of the Maple, the Spruce, the Sycamore, and the Oak are Johnny “John” Jon Class of BAMF torn out of their sappy interiors, and flung out into the light. ‘Tis fitting that this denouncement is branded into the flesh of our would-be allies. For stark proof of the tree threat, one need only look to the west coast. California’s coastal DouglasFiårs and closed cone coniferous forests stood silently gazing on as American homes burnt to the ground earlier this year. Redwood colossi? More like redwood Neros! And forest fires aren’t the only menace that these woody plants harbor. Columbian cocaine traffickers are only to carry out their insidious trade with the aid of South America’s dense tropical forests. Speaking of dense forests, nearly 20% of North America is covered by trees. One-fifth. Why blame declining house values on a recession when the real reason is obvious? The magnitude of trees depreciates the value of our homes; for every tree we cut down in

order to build houses, it seems, two crop up in its place. Our economy cannot keep up. To make matters worse, wherever trees are not taking up our livable landmass, their insatiable thirst for precious, life-giving water has created barren wastelands. Every wonder where deserts came from? Yep, trees. The dustbowl that exacerbated the stock market crash of 1929? Deciduous forests. Never mind the tree-triggered economic collapse, the bark-covered ﬁends pose dire physical dangers as well. Remember the common childhood proverb: “Don’t stand near a tree in a thunderstorm or you’ll die a painful death as lightning surges through your body”? Not to mention the horrible physical and mental pain of the splinter. Trees are biogenetically engineered to one-day precipitate the extinction of the human population. No matter what environmentalist Benedict Arnolds tell us, trees are not our friends. Ever hug a tree? Let me tell you, smashing your body against the cold, razor sharp, corkencased exterior of a tree is not a fate I would wish upon my worst enemy. Trees are our natural enemies! With the overthrow of all tree-kind, MANKIND can enter a new era of prosperity; with the yoke of treedom cast off, a glorious Golden Age of Man will be ushered in! Come, my fellow man, join in the crusade against our tyrannical tree taskmasters. Emulate this nation’s greatest leader and CUT DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE!

The Periodical Pi-Chart 0.01%

99.99% Percent of students who want to be here Percent of students who don’t want to be here; I mean really, how hard is it to pick up your trash? I come in here every day at dawn, work myself to death, and the only relief I can possibly get is in a clean school... but nooooo! You all think it isn’t worth your time to pick up trash, and I’m stuck cleaning it all up. Are you seriously? It’s becoming really old. Grow up please.

999,999,999,999,999,999,999

Blue 14, 200purple

The Marionette

FEAT Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; GREATNESS A Thu m b

TEACHER + CELEBRITY Kev i n R = ie s MASH-UPS

Vince Vaughn

A n n e Hat h

Ja c k N ic h o ls o n

Eric Bana

+ Kermit

l a g e S l e M ic h a

Chris Kattan

E l le n Pa g

+ =

David V in ci

Nora Christman

Hank Azaria

a w ay

Ving Rhames

Bruce Willis

Nort Seaman

= +

sicknastyawesome

Hamburgers!

SMELLY FEET

The Marionette

Yunica yields to yearning for yen

Yasuo Fukuda

Class of 2000

Last Monday, Junior Yunica Jiang received results from her long-awaited DNA test and informed reporters that, with 99.9% certainty, through her immediate family she is not only two-thirds Japanese, but also a direct descendent of Gendun Drup, the ﬁrst Dalai Lama of Tibet. When asked about her newly realized heritage she replied, “Well this certainly changes some things, but hey, it’s all good, at least I’m not French or something, I still get to keep my rice.” In response to how these changes will affect her political views, she responded, “This has been a real awakening for me philosophically. I won’t be writing anything about human-rights violating, lead-paint painting, air-polluting China anymore”.

Jiang plans to visit Japan this month and catch Pokemon to connect with her Japanese roots. During spring break,

she trained and worked and sweated her way through Pokemon Blue, Red, Silver, Gold, and Fuchsia. “I just want to be the

very best, you know, the best there ever was.” She recently purchased a Hanzo samurai sword and has mastered the art of Karate. Upon time of interview, she told reporters she was working, also, on shooting dragon balls out of her ﬁsts. Of course, this new revelation also comes with a major downside—Jiang is now no longer able to celebrate the Chinese New Year. Having stated several years ago that Chinese are allowed to celebrate the Chinese New Year, Jiang will have to give up a much-loved holiday. “I always loved celebrating Chinese New Year,” she said. “Still, rules are rules.” In addition, Ms. Jiang has planned to visit Tibet and “get her blow on”, on Tibetan long horns. That’s what she said— really.

Segal sloughs students; seeks stardom Sir Alfred Tendertouchston

Class of Lovin’

Mr.Segalrecentlyfoundoutthatthissummer he will be at the World Air Guitar ChampionshipsinBerlin,Germany–thehomeofairguitar. “I hadn’t planned on participating in this competition.AirguitarisalwayssomethingI’ve done for fun, not for serious,” said Mr. Segal. Yet when world-class air guitar trainer Hans Freudinshlacht saw Mr. Segal on a recent video, he believed he found raw talent waiting to be tapped. “I was just looking for an educational video on the dash,

and came across this one,” said Hans. “The way Mr. Segal seamlessly moved his ﬁngers along his tennis racket to the tune of Led Zeppelin shouted out to me, ‘Hans! This is the one! He will restore your name to the title trophy. You must take him to the top.’” When Hans and Mr. Segal ﬁnally met each other, they began vigorous training, since the U.S.A National Championships were only a week away. “But that didn’t matter,” said Hans. “His natural ability to play air guitar made him miles better than any of the competition. Because as everyone knows, America doesn’t usually have a competitive team of air guitarists.”

So now Hans and Mr. Segal look forward to the World Championships now, which are only a month away. Segal plans to use the infamous “Stairway to Heaven” as his feature length song as he solos for the gold. “I’m really starting to become optimistic. Getting involved in this amazing new world has changed my perspective on reality. There are so many lessons Hans has taught me about air guitaring that ﬂow over into the rest of my life. Don’t rock out too hard; if you bend the neck of the guitar, it won’t look realistic.” Mr. Segal also added this about his success so far: “It’s all my family. Thanks you so much for being there. If it weren’t for you,

I wouldn’t have gotten this far. And my students. You are all an inspiration for me. When I win the world title, you’ll be able to say, ‘oh yeah? Well, my teacher is the best air guitarist in the WORLD! This one’s for all of you!” All of his students were very excited when they heard the news. “I felt the same way as Hans did when I saw that video. I really didn’t learn anything about the dash, because all I could think of was, ‘man, Mr. Segal really knows how to rock out!’ Good luck Mr. Segal, I wish you all the best,” said Junior Mia Vallet. Junior Charlotte Rosen felt the same way about her wisher of Mr. Segal. Upon hearing Mia’s quote, all she had to say was “Samesies!”

Mr. and Mrs. Merionite meld minds I’ve started looking at colleges and am about to take the SATs. I’ve gone through a couple SAT books already, but I don’t really feel prepared—should I get a tutor or take the ACTs or what?

Kaiser Szchulgenhemmer & Barroness The Great III

Class of 1917

Hey Mr. and Mrs. Merionite, all my friends have gotten their licenses but I still only have my permit. I feel so left out! Hey Shirley, don’t worry about it too much. I didn’t get my license until I was 22, and I didn’t touch my ﬁrst Mossberg 12gauge until I was 30. You shouldn’t rush these things, the great Pennsylvanian Caribou Hunter Theodore Dreiser once said, “It takes more than a .37 to put a good-sized hole through a deer’s skull. No, a good kill takes patience and the perfect stalk.” With this in mind, I’ll like to share my personal tips on hunting. 1. Whenever I head outdoors, I rub faux deer fecal matter on my boots to minimize my biological signature. 2. I wouldn’t be caught dead out in the woods without drenching my ghille suit in pure reindeer pheromones. I like to make my own batch from barley and methamphetamine. 3. Whenever stalking a mother grizzly mother, always remain upwind. Grizzlies can smell blue collar from ten miles away. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve made that mistake!

O.K. Drake, let’s start with a disclaimer on this one. We do not, and never have, advocated any form of illegal activity. A great man, Malcolm X, once said: “Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you’re a man, you take it.” With that in mind, we are going to present some hypothetical situations. What if we told you that the map you see below diagrams the New York headquarters of College Board Incorporated? What if, by some strange coincidence, you learned that the building’s closes at around 10:00 pm every weekday, and that the night janitors clean the west wing of the facility first, and do not visit that particular portion afterwards? Wouldn’t it be fascinating if the west wing happened to be the storage facility for yet-to-be proctored tests? It is very rare that there is more than one guard at the bottom floor of the building (the storage facilities are on the 28th floor). Hey, did you know that flash powder is quite easy to manufacture? The principle mechanism behind flash powder is a simple combustion reaction involving a metallic fuel. All you need to create flash powder, which can easily blind a man for a few minutes depending on the magnitude of the explosion, is such a metallic fuel. I suggest magnesium, and an oxidizer; I recommend potassium perchlorate. Potassium perchlorate is a common ingredient in tree stump remover, which can be found in most hardware stores. Of course, this is all hypothetical. Hey Mr. and Mrs. Merionite, I am a proud LM parent, but, lately, I’ve been

very worried about my son. He seems to be having some body-image issues—do you have any advice from a teenage perspective on this sensitive issue? We here at the Merionite have always been a big fan of the Agoge for getting our young into shape. First adopted in ancient Greek Sparta and now practiced only by scientologists, the Agoge is a strict training regime meant to produce only the strongest, most beautiful warriors. However, failure is common. Should this occur, we recommend that you turn to the philosophies of our friends in the East. In the samurai code-of-honor, should a male become dishonored through his own actions, he must commit seppuku, ritual suicide by disembowelment. If your son cannot achieve glory in life, he will surely achieve glory in death. I’ve been getting this really intense acne that’s exploding all over my face. I don’t want to come to school in the mornings. It’s so embarrassing. What should I do? Go get a job, loser.

/b/

March 14, 2008

The Marionette

HEPATITIS A&E

A capella tour is ¡muy bueno! The Incredible Hulk

Class of 1975 Ace Harmony and Ace’s Angels recently announced that in order to draw a larger crowd to their upcoming concert, they will follow Kanye West’s example and feature a glow-in-the-dark segment to their repertoire. Yet they decided that in order to add their “own little ﬂavor to it,” as Mr. Hunnex puts it: they will add an environmental twist, in which their glow-in-thedark equipment will be completely sweat-powered. Powerthirst, an energy drink company, plans to open up marketing for its new drink ﬂavor “Juice Springsteen” by sponsoring the event. They hope that by offering all of the members of Ace Harmony and Ace’s Angels a can of Juice Springsteen before the concert, the members will be able to use the glowing sweat the drink produces to fuel a sweet rave party in LM’s Herman C. Giersch Auditorium. “I am really excited for this concert. I love going to huge rave parties, and I think that by having my sweat fuel the concert, my enjoyment will only increase,” says senior Amy Rosen-

blum, a member of Ace Harmony. Other members of Ace Harmony agree: “I think this is one of the most innovative and exciting things Lower Merion students have ever seen. Get HYPE,” says Rosenblum. Yet there are members of the school at large who ﬁnd the idea repulsive. “I ﬁnd this idea repulsive. There are so many other environmentally conscious things we could be doing with these kids’ sweat. We could probably power the school electricity free for a year with the amount of the energy that sweating party is going to produce,” said senior Amy Rosenblum. Hopefully, with this new idea, both Powerthirst and Ace Harmony and Ace’s Angels will raise a lot of money. For those interested in a glowing rave party and extreme energy, attend the concert on April 37th and drink some Juice Springsteen along the way.

Stylin’ Out—the Chris Rowe guide Donatella Versace

Don’t let the black-and-white picture fool you: Chris Rowe’s signature outﬁt really is completely gray.

tral colors. Navy blue is an exClass of 1954 cellent choice, and don’t forget a few gray pairs for the famous Hey biddies! Welcome to an- “monochromatic” look. A note other edition of Stylin’ Out. This of caution: make sure the pants month, we’re looking at one of legs aren’t too long, lest they LM’s paragons of style. He’s actually reach your feet. The been sporting his signature look cuffs must retain their original for years now, (17 years to be elastic to preserve the integriprecise) but it remains as fresh ty of the look. It’s just not the as the day he first threw it on. same if your clothes fit properly. LM guys and girls can all rock Besides, if your pants are long this stylish look. Now, I know enough, no one will be able to this style may seem impossible see your socks! to emulate, but I’ll do my best to The socks are the next most break it down. Just think: you’re important part of the look. White only a few short minutes away tube socks are a must. Like any from dressing like Christopher element of the look, they can “Fashion” Rowe. and should be worn until you THE LOOK: wear holes through them. The first and most important On top of those all-important thing to consider when dress- socks, you’ll obviously need ing like Chris Rowe is effort. shoes. Don’t be fooled by those It’s not easy to look this stylish who try to sell you on “retro” every single day. Be prepared to multicolored abominations. make sacrifices for your appear- What you need if you want to ance. Consider waking up 10 or dress like Chris Rowe is a pair even 20 minutes earlier in the of plain, basic, white, all-Amermorning to get ready. ican running shoes. In fact, if Now that you’ve prepared you can’t get these shoes, don’t yourself mentally, it’s time to get any at all. Wear the sneakget the clothes. Start with a few ers every day—again, holes are pairs of sweatpants in basic neu- fine—but take them off when-

A&E: Absent and Erroneous

ever possible. The sneakers enhance the overall sporty-ness of the look, a theme any good student of Chris Rowe fashion will continue in both the t-shirt and all-important sweatshirt category. When shopping for t-shirts in the Chris Rowe tradition, make sure any shirt you buy is at least one size too big. Shirts should express an integral part of your soul, something you couldn’t bear for anyone not to know about you, the very core of your being: that is, which sports teams you support. If you’re in blinding UVA orange or once-bright Phillies red, no one will be able to escape your sports loyalties. The final addition to your Chris Rowe look is the sweatshirt. It ought to be emblazoned with a sporty logo, just like the shirt. Also like the shirt, it can be worn until holes show through. A warning to all true Chris Rowe fashion aficionados: avoid blue jeans at all costs. Only if threatened with death should you even consider wearing pants that don’t have elastic around the ankles.

ain’t even 8

March 15, 44 B.C.

JODIE SPORTS

The Marionette

Freshman Dodgeball: Class of 1923

Envious of the class of 2011’s C Day advisory dodgeball tournament, the senior class has announced plans for a freshman dodgeball tournament of its own. The plan was formed after senior class ofﬁcers realized that student government president Sam Helfaer had spent most of the class’s funds on high-class prostitutes through the King’s Realm escort service. “Our class doesn’t have enough money to purchase new dodgeballs, so instead of using the school’s old, tapedup balls, we’ve decided to

toss freshmen,” said senior class treasurer Richie Stark. “I’m kind of pissed that Sam wasted all our hardearned class money on hookers, but at least I can keep my throwing arm in shape,” said husky senior Gabe Barnett. Senior Brett Redmond expressed glee at the thought of handling multiple freshmen. Senior Ted Johnson said, “I’m ultra pumped for this. This is the sickest thing since the Toby Keith concert.” Freshman Kyle Ingerman does not quite share Johnson’s sentiments, but said he would participate in the tournament anyway. “I mean, I’m not really

a freshman, but the possibility of meeting senior beauties makes me excited,” said Ingerman. U.S. Government teacher and senior class sponsor Eric Lynn said, “Both throwing freshmen and being thrown build character in their own unique ways. No matter what happens, you’ll be the same person you were before the tournament. This is the last opportunity you’ll have to toss freshmen with your high school friends. Do well.” The tournament will take place on May 2nd at 7:00 P.M. in the Ardmore Gym. Tickets are $5 and spectators should be prepared to witness scenes akin to sumo baby-throwing competitions.

Cases of the Aces

Goal:

Varsity Hall Congestion To create a mass collision

Hobbies: Tripping other students Getting blocked Bottlenecking with the hallway Service to LM: Providing quick and easy access between ﬂoors. Quote: “Hey! Quit STAIRING at me!”

Junior

Display Case Sophomore

Freshman

Staircase

Sport:

Basket Case

Senior Ted Johnson practices his freshman-tossing form during lunch.

The best of the worst LM has to offer Legal Case Senior

Patches O’Houlihan

This time it’s personal

Sports:

Sport: Varsity Weaving

Sports:

Varsity Beer Pong Varsity Car Moving

Goal :

To be noticed

Goal: To make it through the year

Goal :

Infamy

Hobbies: A streak free shine Service to LM: Being a mirror. Quote: “What are you looking at?”

Hobbies: Bouncing off the walls Hobbies: Stealing ducks, getting citations, Sitting in padded rooms dating sophomores Muttering incoherently to self Service to LM: Keeping the Lower Merion Service to LM: Making sure everypolice force employeed. one stays calm. Seriously man, just Quote: “Wedon’t give a duck, we take one.” calm down. Quote: “aslkdjhfalkjhrehdmfhadbjiwn!”