26 minute read
SmallBiz100
I work tirelessly to help Single Mums in Business in the UK gain business exposure whilst encouraging the flexible working movement, dispelling misconceptions and reducing stigma.
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I have enjoyed speaking to Piers Linney (MOBLOX - Check it out!) I when exhibited to promote members at the NEC and The Lord Young of Graffham at the House of Lords as a SmallBiz100 in 2019. I gave them the last SMBN brochures (no was not an option!) and explained that we need help with business exposure as we are trying to make work work as mums. We are easy targets for low pay, bank staff, or working for free. We are losing pensions, (since covered by ITV News thank you) job security, comradeship, and we love working! During the six years that I was trying to build my company I could not access the help I needed. Exhibiting was unaffordable, banks turned me away due to poor credit, TV was out of reach, advertising was expensive, and the jobs that fitted my skillset and salary insisted full-time or nothing. I will now help others so that they do not suffer as I have. Motherhood should not be a financial penalty. When I first wrote to the Prime Minister in 2015 I explained these challenges, I had a response from the Prime Minister’s office to advise that my letter had been passed to the DWP. The DWP responded that they were introducing Universal Credit, that would make work work for single parents. I realised that they really didn’t understand the problem. I didn’t want to go onto UC, I wanted to continue my career and enjoy financial autonomy and pay tax in, not need it out.
Thank you to Purple Shoots Lending and Frederick’s Foundation for believing in me when the banks punished
me for adversity and had zero faith in my journey ahead, destined for destitution!
SMALLBIZ100 Applications for 2022 close on JUNE 30th - CLICK THEIR LOGO TO ENTER!
Welcome ‘Friend of the SMBN’, Caron Kipping, Divorce & Separation Coach
Caron is a Divorce Coach specialising in supporting people in abusive and controlling relationships or dealing with post-separational abuse.
Caron supports women (yes, and men) with many issues such as recognising abusive behaviour, conflict around child contact, Family Court issues, and financial abuse. Caron also offers guidance to help you move on – dating after abusive relationships, rebuilding confidence and setting goals for the future.
Caron is happily re-married (the proof there is life afterwards!) and works part-time as an accredited Divorce Coach and part-time at The Dash Charity domestic abuse charity where she has worked for many years as a domestic abuse specialist (or Independent Domestic Violence Advocate if you want the long version) and has worked there in several roles over the years, supporting survivors in high-risk abusive relationships and educating professionals on how to respond better.
Caron is passionate about raising awareness and is often found on a podcast or being interviewed to offer her viewpoint or advice on abusive relationships.
Please visit Caron’s lovely website and read more here: https://caronkippingcoaching.com/
It has always been important to me to make it clear that the SMBN is not about misandry, it’s simply old school boy school girl school mentality—we need to focus! I signpost to male only networks and organisations, as you will see on the next few pages, and I share with you here a blog post from February, which will hopefully shed some light on my personal view which I hope will help some men.
Masculinity, Equality, Mental Health and Purpose for the 21st Century Man | Julie Hawkins
This blog has been eating away at me for some time, as they always do. I am signposted before I blog and fed material that only pushes me to offer my perspective. A year or two ago I had a conversation with a friend, who said that they just didn’t know what was expected of them anymore, as a man, where all they hear about is equality which is often translated as misandry. I have the benefit of a strong female network, some identify strongly as feminists, others find the term offensive, and I have previously blogged about women supporting women, asking what about the men. It is now time to elaborate on that blog, and hopefully, whilst undoubtably upsetting some, offering others some much needed insight into what many women, hope, men will show up as in the 21st Century. Firstly, I am all for equality, but I also love feminine and masculine energy, and how we differ physically and mentally in many ways. Equality is just (for me) about not being at a disadvantage, especially financially, because of your sex, or being more vulnerable because of it, just as with race, nationality, age, religion or disability. I am also passionate about women supporting women, but not because of misandry, because I believe it is our inherent tribal nature, to be more of a community and to have healthy relationships and support with those who are similar to us and understand our unique challenges. Men have had healthy support networks for many years, via work, social, sport, and networks that used to be male only such as the Masons. I see a lot of displeasure from men at the mention of female only business networking, and I suspect this is a little down to ego. I never witnessed such displeasure around the WI (Women’s Institute) whereby the (old) public perception was baking and fundraising, or around book clubs or knit and natter clubs, but when business networking started rolling out female only network it was offensive to many men, who feel business is their world. The focus is what women have in common, and meeting with like minded people whilst maintaining a safe space to talk about female things, sometimes. The networks I attend are very professional but if we need to talk about menstruation, ovulation, menopause, pregnancy, or indeed disadvantages such as reduced pensions or challenges as normally predominantly primary carers it is a relaxed environment to do that.. There is a lot of room for equality and we can close some of those differences, but we will always have (I hope) femininity and masculinity. I fear that with feeling misplaced many men will suffer with mental health problems due to feeling lost or unfulfilled if they feel they have lost their place in the world as providers and protectors.. but I want to make clear how I think we need men to step up as men in
the 21st century, and I will attempt to do that with simple clarity and examples.. I have a few men in my network, and I refer to a few famous faces who seem to have a very healthy balance and view of masculinity, purpose, equality, femininity and so their minds appear to be strong, and they are role models for men who are lost. Let’s look at Michael Ray, Paul O’Grady, Marcus Rashford, Professor Green and I have a couple of incredible men in my network who I know will read this who are working incredibly hard at the moment to create something for the greater good, you should know who you are.. If you are not already familiar with Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, please embark on your own further study. A lot of work that I do is to try and ensure that people’s basic needs are met, as I know that we have limited ability to help others when we lack security and safety. Normally once our basic needs are met we can progress to form healthy relationships with others and hopefully at this stage, feel inspired to help others and increase our sense of purpose. Many people lack motivation to do this once their basic and psychological needs are met they leave others in the purple and green zones therefore never reaching the orange zone! How is this relevant to masculinity, mental health and purpose for men who only hear about equality and women supporting women? let me explain.. Due to lack of equality, many women have been and still are vulnerable to not having their basic needs met. That is why many women support women. These basic needs could easily be met, and at the moment it is mainly men who have the power to do this, at the top, by addressing the hardships that mainly come as a result of child bearing. Whether by being a stay-at-home wife and losing pension or by barriers to work in line with their skillset and salary due to challenges with childcare. We have amazing feminine bodies and we really do need to procreate, at least most of us do. This bit men can’t do, and I’m not sure they would if they experienced childbirth equivalent to 47 bone fractures and their skeletal structure being torn apart leaving 20 or 30 years of muscle definition ruined in a flash! So, we need to work on accepting that women need to survive despite facilitating life. C19 has given many male CEO’s unique insight into how you can love your family but still crave the workplace, we all enjoy that, and need that; we need people.
So what about the men?!
Many men are noble and kind, and they support themselves and their families
Look at war heroes, look at historic regulators, these men knew something was wrong, and they went above and beyond, not to only line their own pockets but to fight for the vulnerable, to fight for families who were overpaying taxes, to fight to protect the nations women, children, and men who could not fight for themselves, these men had purpose, fulfilment. We now have a safer war to fight, there is little risk to body and mind, only risk of upsetting peers. We need men to fight for our safety, we need men to fight against misogyny, rape, trafficking, out of balance inflation, racism, homophobia, ageism, child abuse, domestic abuse, discrimination, homelessness, all things that should not be happening in the 21st Century. I see so many posts and articles across my social media channels and in the press about women fighting against these issues, setting up charities, campaigning, supporting each other, but it is less frequent to see men helping us fight this war. We have a Government, we never argue that we pay tax on everything, from birth to death, but we still bear heavy judgement and shame if we need that tax, and are often left destitute whilst out tax pays for lavish lifestyles and lunches. There is a war, but too few soldiers. I friend once said to me ‘I don’t know what a woman wants me to be – If I open a car door or offer to pay for a meal I am afraid I offend, and if I don’t I go against the chivalry I understood to be right’ – my only advice was not to be who he thought he should be, but to be his true self and transparent about that so that the right woman would go to him. Personally I love chivalry and door opening, but if we sit at a desk working together all day I want the same pay cheque, and if we bring up a family as a team, I want the same pension, and same estate, and if I am to bring up a family alone, as 1 in 4 families do now, I want barriers to home, work and opportunities removed, so that we are not the ones who suffer when society permits a parent to abandon a child, financially. So how do you fight a war when you have not been enlisted? Where do you start? Let’s look at it on a smaller scale – if you can help only six people, the world would be a better place overnight! Your children would be safer, happier, and not destitute on their death bed. I mentioned earlier Michael Ray, Paul O’Grady, Marcus Rashford and Professor Green. These men are all doing something to help others, or to help those more vulnerable. Michael fights for equality, for Dads, for his daughter, he optimises masculinity but he is not afraid to call out other men or women, he is making a difference, he therefore has purpose, self-actualisation and good mental health. He could easily just focus on his partner and his daughter but he does more than that, he is a warrior and unafraid to show his love for his family whilst promoting equality inside and outside of the home. Then we have Paul O’Grady who – despite being a well paid celebrity, has a genuine passion for helping others – in his case, dogs (and cats) at Battersea, – here is a man who some would question his masculinity, but he is using his strength to help those who are vulnerable, what can be more masculine than that? and then we have Marcus Rashford – if you don’t know what he has been up to you must be living in a cage – a very wealthy and successful football player, who used his platform to stand up for families across the UK, .
he put vulnerable people above his own need to be popular, and despite the hammering from some of his capitalist testosterone fuelled football network has used his fame for good, despite the stigma, he has seen wrong and he is fighting a war that should not exist. and lastly I make reference to Professor Green aka Stephen Manderson, who talks openly about mental health and supports so many others, he could easily hide behind his music and tattoos but he has purpose, he did not lose motivation when he and his were okay, he identified his place as a man in this world and is helping to heal the wounded from this psychological war.
But you do not have to be rich or famous to make a difference and be a
man in the 21st century. I guarantee that at least half a dozen people within your reach need your help. I read articles of men who set-up football clubs for disadvantage children and men who set up carpentry sheds for the lonely and elderly, these men have little resource or time, but they reach out and help who is within their reach, those who need them, those who cannot fight their own war. My biggest heartbreak is seeing how little is done to protect women and children in this Country. How many men stand by and turn a blind eye to rape, abuse, trafficking. hunger, poverty and abuse towards minority groups. Men who are not motivated because they are not struggling or directly affected, and they wonder what their purpose is because they take offence at the mention of equality. From where I am standing, we need men more than ever to show that they are the protectors, and not the perpetrators. There is no in-between, you are either okay with it, or you are not. Some tribes banish men who lay with a woman against her will, they say it is not ‘their way’ – it should not be anybody’s way. We have laws in this country but we do not have enforcement. We do not have men banishing each other or setting a strong example of what is right or wrong, we have unregulated violent porn and ungoverned increase of property prices, ungoverned capitalism and ungoverned presenteeism and discrimination.
We live in a Country, where you should feel safe to walk the street at night, where you should not be vulnerable because of your age, sex, race, sexuality or religion, we live in a Country where our basic needs should be not be a lifetime of struggle to achieve, and we live in a Country where I hear all too often, that men do not know where they stand. So let me say, you may not know where you stand but stand you
must. Do not be the perpetrator, the bully; be the protector. We can celebrate masculinity and femininity and support equality, where there is fear of safety, there will be fear of equality. We need community we can trust, men we can trust, men we know will be educated not to cause pain, we need Governance from the top to make sure that these crimes will not be tolerated in our society. I am a strong and independent woman, but this is a call to action for modern masculinity, and clarity of purpose to stand up and use that testosterone for good. We can all help somebody. There is no time to be lost. We do need you. Our children need you to say enough.
Dads Unlimited (DU), a registered charity, supports dads with their mental health because of family breakdown, and to help them reduce parental-conflict with former partners in order to improve their co-parenting relationships. The issues they are regularly presented with are anxiety, depression, PTSD, domestic abuse, loss of contact with their children, loneliness, isolation, self-harm and tragically suicidal ideation.
DU is run by a group of people (trustees and staff) who have lived-experience of the issues involved and have succeeded in dealing with them; and was established from a growing awareness of a significant number of men who are desperate for information and support after relationship breakdown and enforced separation from their children, but finding little or none out there. Desperation is not too strong a word for the plight of these men; the stress of their situation can, over time, affect their mental health to the point of suicidal thoughts and, in some cases, to suicide itself.
We provide wrap-around unlimited support on all of these issues by putting in early interventions to reduce parental conflict so as to improve co-parenting through our trauma-informed services of 1:1 Mentoring, Mental Health counselling, Male Victims IDVA service, Support Group Meetings, Family Court Support / Barrister Representation Service, Co-Parenting workshops, and plenty of community activities for dads to enjoy with or without their children. We work hard to focus on making sure the voice of the child is at the heart of the family breakdown process, whilst simultaneously working to reduce male-suicide, help male victims of domestic abuse, and reduce parental conflict post-separation to improve outcomes for their children. The impact of family breakdown, on mothers, fathers, children, and on society, is immensely damaging all round. Much has been written about the impact of family breakdown on children, especially in relation to absent fathers. Much has been written about the impact on mothers bringing up children on their own. Much less has been written about the impact on fathers, especially where they have been denied regular and meaningful access to their children.
Our vision is that children from separated families have an equal opportunity through a positive and nurturing co-parenting environment.
About Nav who founded Dads Unlimited
In 2013 I began my journey into a world which, and I didn’t know it at the time, would transform the rest of my life. I was a Single Dad who saw his son one night in the week and most weekends. Things changed for me a lot, not only was I so used to being in a partnership, but as that had ended – I had to try and find out who I was again. However sadly, due to some inexplicable and aberrant reasons which were very difficult to deal with, in 2015 my son came to live with me full time. From being a part time Dad – I was now a full-time one. I gave up work and began my new journey into a world I hadn’t really properly experienced until now.
Before, my life consisted of conference calls, meetings, meetings about meetings, getting up early, coming home late, analysing budgets, articulating strategy, tactical negotiations, giving speeches, travel, holding to account, leading teams, holding 1:1’s, shaping visions and values, building organisations, developing policies and processes, operational delivery, working on difficult legal issues and cases, building bridges with communities, and anything else corporate life had to throw at me.
Now it’s all about school runs, cleaning, homework, ironing, washing, sports days, school plays, food shopping, budgeting, entertaining in the holidays, cooking, exercising, learning maths and English again, reading, negotiating, teaching, chauffeuring, answering endless questions and organising play dates. To be honest the list is pretty endless – just when you think you’ve mastered something – along comes something else and the whole thing starts again. I’ve never been so tired.
But that’s not always how it was.
When I started down this path – I looked everywhere for advice, for help and for support – or for just someone saying I was doing alright. But I didn’t find anything or anyone. And especially not another Dad in my exact position. So I literally made things up as I went along, or asked a few Mums who I knew would help me out. But I really wanted to meet someone else who would help and understand. There were good days and bad, but as I was told – just try to be ‘good enough’. And because I couldn’t find anything – that’s how Dads Unlimited was born. Out of necessity. We are not anti-women or antimothers. We are only Pro-Dad.
Absolutely crucial to this, and what you also may not know is that according to the Office of National Statistics – the number of men who are now Primary Carers for their children has risen by almost 137% in 3 years from 2013. In fact, that number is now 406,000 Single Dads,
which represents 14% of the Single Parent population. With this rapid rise and if this pace continues, we will have parity between the sexes in less than 30 years. There is currently a vacuum, with no one trying to appropriately fill it.
But now there is. Dads Unlimited.
It’s the best job I’ve ever had – one that never thanks you – but always rewards you. www.dadsunltd.org.uk
I first connected with Michael on LinkedIn in 2019, and realised that he faced challenges as a single dad that I could not even imagine as a mother, he talked about not being able to be the parent in the room for his daughter’s ballet performance, and how that made him, and Charlie feel. I completely understood where he was coming from, and so interviewed him to discuss the different challenges faced by mothers and fathers, and where sexism hinders equality for both sexes. You can watch the interview on the SMBN website. Michael is in Australia but his message and education is universal, and I feel very proud to know him with all that he continues to achieve, and the permanent mark he is making for his daughter. He has written a book, information below, and I would encourage you to visit his website and read his blogs, especially if you are feeling pretty hard done by as a father. He is a true voice of reason, a gamechanger, and no doubt his daughter will be forever proud. Michael will come to the UK as a speaker if we can ensure it pays for him and his family to visit us. Contact him if you are interested.
Michael Ray is an Australian solo dad, a speaker, advocate and a published author with his book "Who Knew?" "Who Knew?" explores global issues around parenting past and present and discusses how we must change our ideologies instead of conforming to the status quo. He talks through his own experiences as a solo dad and how he has had to constantly challenge old values and misconceptions that are still accepted in today's societies.
Order "Who Knew?" from www.michealray.com.au or;
Amazon - https://www.amazon.com.au/Who-Knew-Michael-Ray-ebook/dp/B094FQCC6Z
Friend of the SMBN & Media Foundations
Fiona Scott, of SCOTT MEDIA
I have been networking for several years – and it is my networking journey that inspired and continues to inspire the SMBN, from not being able to attend 7am meetings, from joining networks who focussed on me promoting them and not vice versa, to not affording professional PR guru’s like Fiona.
I connected with Fiona in the early days of KIH Products, but I just couldn’t afford her professional skills, and so that is why I try and help my ladies in this way. We all need PR for sales. As soon as I turned a corner with KIH Bed sales and decided to help other single mums I didn’t even have to think about where to go – I went straight to Fiona, who I had observed for years. She worked with me in the first year, she was always very clear about how she would get our name out there, what my realistic expectations should be, time scales, and she taught me a lot about what I needed to do. I valued her expertise and respected her fees, and she was right.
We now have a great relationship with the press, I am often contacted by radio and mainstream national press, I am often contacted directly and I post in our closed members group asking members to submit their stories. The SMBN is the go to for single parent stories and PR, and that is because Fiona worked hard to help me get on their radar in the beginning. In the last 12 months not only have
we been in national press, we have also featured on BBC Radio in several counties, on ITV news, BBC news, Channel 5, and more.. and that is snowballing.
I was delighted when Fiona decided later to join as a friend of the SMBN. For somebody who I have admired for so long to then demonstrate that they have enough faith in what I am doing to join as a friend – well, actions speak louder than words don’t they! – you can join as a friend by the way – regardless of sex or status, essentially friends are not in the closed member group (single mum chat) but they do enjoy year round exposure in the mags, which is the cheapest in print exposure going – like
this one.
You are very lucky now! Things have moved on from when I started out! You have mediums like me helping you with exposure and you have so many affordable offerings such as Fiona’s PR Retreat in 2022 (I may just see you at this one!) You have to choose business expenditure over wine expenditure, and you have to respect those who work so hard to help you on your journey. You can visit Fiona’s main website here: https://scottmedia.uk/ and trust me when I say she knows her profession So with gratitude, love, and hopefully some sound advice! Jules x
Meet Lucinda Dore SBMN Legal Columnist
Hello! I am delighted to be asked to be a columnist for the SBMN. The SMBN has always been very close to my heart, and I am always here to offer help to members when needed so it was a no brainer when the lovely Julie Hawkins asked me if I would help her members with those niggly legal questions. So here’s my plan email us your legal questions and I’ll do my very best to answer them for you with my legal brain – I’ve been a solicitor for 20 years now so I have pretty much seen and heard it all so don’t worry about the question – if it’s on your mind, it’s bound to be on others and its ok, you can stay anonymous – after all, no one wants their laundry washed in public and I’ll never judge.
So, if I’m asking you to reveal your legal issues it’s only fair that I let you know a little about me. I am predominantly a Private Criminal, Regulatory Law and Benefits Law Solicitor. I run my own law firm Lucinda Dore Solicitors. I am based by the sea in Brighton but as most of my clients see me virtually, I can assist anyone around the country – I find that my clients love that they can now seek specialist legal advice from the comfort of their sofa at a time to suit them (mostly in the evenings after work or the children have gone to bed) with a cup in tea in hand – this saves the travel to my office and anxious wait in the reception.
I can assist anyone who finds themselves on the wrong side of the law or needs help with a Benefit issue whether that be a compliance, investigation, or appeal matter. Most of my clients are the those who never thought they would ever need a solicitor, let alone a criminal one, first time (and usually last) offenders who need me to listen, to be non-judgemental and most of all to help them get through the difficult time to help them move on with their lives. I know how hard it can be for people to pick up the phone to speak to a solicitor, but my clients always feel like a weight has been lifted off their shoulders when they pass their problem over to me.
When it comes to work, I am serious, I’m focussed, I start early – finish late. I work hard, I prepare hard, I listen, I help, I advocate, and I always strive to win. I do everything I can to help my clients out of the difficult situation.
Outside of work is a very different story. I am just like the other mums out there. I find myself running around the house like a headless chicken… I’ll crawl along with my toddler on the floor making animal noises and kick a football in the garden whilst singing ‘Bob the Builder’, I’m told off by my primary school age wannabe teenager for singing too loudly to the radio on the school run whilst she’s trying to recite her spellings… I’ll forget the PE kit, run into the back of the hall for the recorder concert, run out of time to cook dinner and we’ll be late for swimming lessons so let’s just say…. I get it….. I’m By Your Side and here to help”
