THE
Santa Margarita Catholic High School
April 2022
EAGLE EYE Y
Volume XXXVI, Issue 4
Caritas Christi Center to implement new room dedicated solely to puppies.
B
By Otis Curry, Editor -in-Chief
eyond watching Buzzfeed’s puppy interviews, students can experience the room of puppies themselves. Beginning on April 13, puppies will fill the Caritas Christi center. “We decided to add the room because we really feel as though it will benefit the mental health of the students,” new director of dogs Otis Currey said. The dogs will also be available for adoption by any student at any time. Any dogs adopted will be replaced by new puppies. “Really we just want to make sure that the
Check us out online!
students have all the dogs they need to feel successful,” Currey said. Students are just as excited to welcome the new dogs into the school. Students are hoping that they will see an improvement in grades as well as mental health with the addition of the puppies. “I’m really looking forward to trying to do homework just surrounded by dogs,” sophomore Clay Greyson said. “I don’t know how much I’ll be able to focus, but I really don’t care, because puppies.”
@smchseagleeye www.smchseagleeye.com App: Student News Source
2 Feature
The Eagle Eye
April 1, 2022
Dear Brandon goes into hiding By Katie Rubio, Staff Writer
D
id coconut crabs get to him like Amelia Earhart? Or was he busy robbing Trader Joe stores in sixteen cities? Brandon Covas, featured in the Dear Brandon segment in an earlier Eagle Eye Issue, has recently gone in hiding. Although the advice he had to share was not beneficial and caused great concern amongst students, the disappearance of Covas was unnoticed for some time now. According to fellow students, Covas has been missing since January and has not been noticed by teachers and friends. “I thought it was quiet around here, the last
time I remember seeing Brandon was in a bush when I was walking home,” said a freshmen who would like to remain anonymous for his safety from Brandon. Since realizing he has gone missing, the question of why he has gone into hiding has risen amongst some. The Eagle Eye staff believes that the fame and ego boost that Covas received from the Dear Brandon segment may have gotten to head, which could have caused this disappearance. “Not too long ago, I was driving past his car when I spotted him trying on an fish head, which I found a little concerning but nothing too out of the ordinary for Brandon,” said junior, Griffin Jones.
Mr. Rutherford discovers bacteria, SHOCKING results! By Brandon Covas, Feature Editor Santa Margarita’s very own Mr. Rutherford accidently discovered a new bacteria organism that will alter the human race forever. While at the environmental science field trip at the lake, Mr. Rutherford noticed an unfamiliar bacteria while tasting the water. This life-altering discovery resulted in a new research university, Rutherford University, after Mr. Rutherford. Doctor Rutherford led 60 eager students to the RSM Lake to take water samples on March 11th. He expected this quick field trip to be nothing out of the ordinary. While testing the RSM lake’s pH, he noticed that the water was extraordinarily acidic with a pH of 1.3. This extreme pH was not showing up for any of the students as he tested in a different location from the class. He decided to take a sample back to campus for further testing “When I saw this extreme pH, I was shocked! I had never seen anything like it! I showed it to my partner in crime, Ms. Gordan, who was just as shocked as I was,” said Honorable Doctor Rutherford. After sampling the water under the microscope, there were glowing bacteria in the water that was not mentioned once in either the AP or IB course-
work! Mr. Rutherford decided to drink the water and that is when he says things became veryyyyyyyyyyy strange. “I was dizzy and did not feel like myself. I woke up the next day without a pain in my body. I knew something was seriously off and wanted to test it. I dropped a microscope on my foot and felt absolutely nothing” Rutherford said. Doctor Rutherford immediately knew that the contaminated water made him immune to all pain; however, what to do with this information was a challenging decision for him to make. “On one hand, I could report this to the EPA and see their opinions on the topic. On the other, I could further my research to see if it is safe for humanity and if there are side effects, “ Rutherford said. In the name of keeping humanity safe, Doctor Rutherford decided to not tell the EPA. Instead, he was able to schedule a meeting with Elon Musk who decided to fund further research on Mr. Rutherford’s behalf after he had a sip of the RSM Lake water himself. Rutherford University opens April 1st, 2023 and is expecting to be one of the most elite school in the world. As for the research already carried out by Doctor Rutherford thus far, there has been no side effects other than the third eye that grew on his forehead.
April 1, 2022
The Eagle Eye
New electives introduced for 2022-2023 semester
Feature 3
By Nicole Vanderhuven, Managing Editor
Visual Arts
World Languages
The Art of Comic Sans
Communicating via Dirty Car Windows
Listed on the core curriculum as fundamentally life-altering, the class aims to foster an understanding and appreciation of Comic Sans. When entering the workforce, one may find the lessons learned in this course truly invaluable. According to a study conducted by Harvard University in 2022, typing and sending resumes in 16.5 point Comic Sans improved chances of recruitment by 140%.
If you’re struggling in World Languages, this elective can help earn language credit. For half the semester, students will practice hunting down dusty cars and writing messages on them. The final exam will comprise of drawn phrases and images that will be graded by Frederico Lorca, Pablo Picasso, and Salvador Dali. Instructors will call them out of their graves.
History Computer Science
Intro To Animal Husbandry: Handling Raunchy Guinea Pigs Students should have previously worked as a historian in their past life to enroll in this elective. Over the year, students will study the villain origin story of an infamous anarchist, Eugene of the Guineas. The final exams will comprise of extended essays detailing his overthrow of the hamster wheel, his imprisonment, and later inglorious escape.
How to Program AI (to Finish Homework for You) Calling computer science enthusiasts and students everywhere. No experience needed. Students will come out of the course with no knowledge of how to code whatsoever but with an AI program that ensures they will never need to open their laptops ever again.
Photos all courtesy of Stock Images
4 Feature
April 1, 2022
The Eagle Eye
Who is new teacher Greyson Jeffrey? in life, I would rather lord my immense wealth over children then have a planet named after ecently, adminme," said Jeffrey. istration hired Additionally, Jeffrey a new teachwas featured on last seaer to fill in for son of the Bach“ the position of elor, not as the the Head of the I just want to make bachelor himself Science Departbut as an unpaid sure nobody really ment, Greyson extra. Jeffrey, Jeffrey. Despite who is bald and knows who I am the school year married, apbecause the IRS can being more than peared in a two halfway done, minute segment never find out I Jeffrey’s experwhere it was retise and experi- committed tax fraud. vealed he was ence in his field getting new hair “ made him an and a divorce. -Greyson Jeffrey important as"I really just set to the school wanted to make and thereby unsure people were affected by regular hir- However, he gave up constantly surprised by ing standards. the rights to this new what I had to offer as Jeffrey’s life is charac- planet to fulfill his an extra," said Jeffrey. "I terized by many incon- dream of becoming a just want to make sure ceivable and daring ex- high school teacher. nobody really knows periences, making him “I just have priorities who I am because the
By Eugene V. Debs, Guest Writer
R
differ from your regular high school teacher. Just one year ago, Jeffrey was the first man to land on mars, beating major competitors such as Elon Musk.
IRS can never find out I committed tax fraud." Jeffrey is also an avid spelunker and fancies himself as a sort of real-life Batman, but instead of fighting crime, he teaches his students about piloting futuristic aircraft. "It's important to know about the future in order to change the past," said Jeffrey. "That's my motto and I
found it useful in order to hide from the IRS. Overall, Jeffrey looks forward to being Head of the Science Department. He's especially excited to work with Mr. Rutherford in exploring his new discoveries. "I'm looking forward to working with the SM community," said Jeffrey. "If I beat Elon Musk, I can teach some students about science."
Join Kaiju Big Battle team to spice up your life Sign up at your own risk. By Winfield Scott, Exercise Therapist
Led by Mr. Trotter, the Kaiju Big Battle team is heading to the White House to perform for President Biden on April 20. The team has won tournaments and numerous accolades. A Nobel Peace Prize for Kaiju was created after Trotter’s superb coaching was brought to the attention of the Board of Kaijunates. Nobody knows exactly what the sport of Kaiju is. It is not recommended that one searches up Google images of Kaiju. One may be greeted by incredible amounts of strange im-
ages of human beings punching each other in crab suits and flattening opponents whie dressed as a human sponge, or a can of Spam subtly labelled “Kung Fu.” Please view images on the right if this confuses you. It is suggested that Kaiju fighters drink a gallon of milk before matches. However, one member will be absent for the performance (if you or a loved one believe that this may be Brandon’s newest victim, call 911 ASAP). To volunteer to spar at Kaiju, please contact Mr. Trotter. If you cannot reach him, this may be because he has been captured by Dan Garcia himself.