Father Won’t Save Me, Madelyn Larkin

Father Won’t Save Me By Madelyn Larkin

You told me that christianity Was so wholesome, and so pure Would save me from any danger Told me it was world’s greatest cure

You told me that christianity Meant loving unconditionally You told me it meant forgiveness.

But when I came out as queer You made me read bible verses With eyes full of tears Yelling at me as I laid on your bed

When I came to you With a torn up arm and a head Full of guilt

You yelled in my face,

Praying.

Casting the demons out of me.

The demons that made me hate myself That made me hate myself so strongly So strongly that I wanted to hurt myself So strongly that I was willing to die To be born as someone else Who didn’t have these two broken fathers Who whipped my heart with belts.

You never let me take blame For any of my own mistakes Said it was the devil’s doing So I never learned shame Until it built its way up my throat Resulting in endless cries of self-hate You ask me how I got this way It’s because of the perfect daughter you illustrate In your mind and in your spoken word

A girl with no independence A girl who wants to be in a kitchen A girl who covers up every inch Of her Ugly, sinful body.

You made religion an excuse To hurt others around you And still feel morally just

You made religion a dagger That hangs over my head. Who the fuck can I trust?

You made religion a reason To hate everything about me Everything about everyone Who isn’t just like you.

I want to be saved, father. I really, truly do. But how can I trust a god If I can’t even trust you?

The man who made me The man who raised me I see you in the light And all I see is a control freak

You tell me I’m going to hell I Guess I’ll see you there I feel like I’m already in hell Each day is a living nightmare

I know you see me as a demon Guess that makes us a perfect pair, You sly fucking devil. You showed me how to be hateful, But you told me how to care.

I can never pray again. Each time I say the words “Our father, who art in heaven” I feel so absurd.

I want to love people The way that you told me to But actions speak louder than words And I don’t think love has anything to do With who I’m praying to

You say one thing and then do another Ask if I’m still christian No father. But I can’t tell you this, For our relationship would never recover.

I wish you understood the toll this took on me I felt like you had blinded me And now I can finally see. But if I ever told you this, You’d completely disagree. Tell me I am full of sin, Guess that’s all I’ll ever be To you. If god won’t forgive me, If you can’t forgive me, I will learn to forgive myself. Maybe that’ll free me From this never-ending hell. The hell that makes me hate myself, The hell that tells me I’m a sinner, The hell that is the guilt The guilt you spoon fed me For Breakfast Lunch And dinner.