Unanswered Questions of the Broken, Madelyn Larkin

Unanswered Questions of the Broken

By Madelyn Larkin

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT? YOU! YES YOU! WHY WASN’T I GOOD ENOUGH? WHY DID MY MOM NOT SAY GOODBYE? BEFORE HER 5 YEAR VACATION WHERE SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH A NEEDLE INSTEAD OF HER CHILDREN

WHY DID YOU THROW ME DOWN THE STAIRS FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH A GIRL AND LOCK ME IN A CLOSET FORCING ME TO READ BIBLE SCRIPTURES UNTIL YOU CAST THIS SO CALLED DEMON OUT OF ME WHY DID YOU SAY YOU LOVED ME WHEN YOU LEFT ME AND NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN IS THAT WHAT LOVE IS? SAYING ONE THING AND THEN DOING ANOTHER? THE STRONGER I’VE BEEN LOVED THE HARDER I’VE CRASHED TO THE GROUND THESE SCARS WON’T HEAL MY ARMS ARE TIRED AND WORN AND I STILL DON’T EVEN FUCKING FEEL ANYTHING WHY DID YOU LIE ON MY NAME? WHEN I PROTECTED YOUR DEEPEST SECRETS I MADE SURE YOU WERE LOVED BY OTHERS IN THE WAY I SO DEEPLY WISHED TO BE LOVED

WHY DID YOU SEXUALIZE ME? WHEN I’M A LITTLE FUCKING GIRL YOU OLD DIRTY ASS MAN THAT WORKS AT THE CORNER MARKET YOU MADE ME AWARE OF MY BODY IN A WAY THAT MAKES ME SICK TO THIS DAY

I HATE MY TITS I HATE MY ASS I HATE MY FIGURE I HATE THEM ALL BECAUSE YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE YOU HAD A RIGHT TO TOUCH THEM SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY WERE THERE.

I’VE BEEN RAPED AND ABUSED AND EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED AND I CAN’T EVEN GET OUT OF BED WHILE YOU ALL WALK FREE FREE OF GUILT FREE OF SHAME AND THAT IS ALL I AM MADE OF

I DROWN IN ENDLESS OCEANS OF GUILT AND EMBARRASSMENT AND MISERY

EVEN THOUGH I AM TOLD I’M THE VICTIM I FEEL LIKE I AM THE ONE WHO DID SOMETHING WRONG I SHOULD’VE PAID MORE ATTENTION TO MY MOTHER I SHOULD’VE NEVER FALLEN IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE NEVER WORN THOSE LEGGINGS EVEN THOUGH THEY MADE ME FEEL PROUD OF MY BODY

MY BODY THAT HAS RECOVERED FROM EATING DISORDERS AND SELF MUTILATION I SHOULD’VE NEVER MET YOU IN THE WOODS BY THE PARK THAT DAY BECAUSE YOU TOOK SOMETHING FROM ME I CAN NEVER GET BACK I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PICK UP THE PIECES AND YOU WALK FREE WHY DID MY FATHER LET ME BELIEVE IN A GOD WHEN IT’S SO CLEAR THAT HE WOULD’VE SAVED ME BY NOW?

I WAS RAISED TO BE FULL OF HOPE AND LOVE AND WAS TOLD THAT IF YOU GIVE NOTHING BUT KINDNESS AND LOVE TO THOSE AROUND YOU GOD WILL MAKE SURE THAT IS WHAT YOU RECEIVE BACK

AND ALL I’VE RECEIVED IS A BROKEN MIND AND A BROKEN HEART AND A LOSS OF THE WILL THAT HELPS ME GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING I AM AFRAID TO SHOWER BECAUSE I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I SEE THE BODY YOU TOUCHED THE BODY SHE LEFT THE BODY THAT BRINGS ANGER INTO THE EYES OF MY FATHER THE BODY THAT I STARVED UNTIL IT WAS EMPTY THE BODY I SLICED APART BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING

AND I AM LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT UNANSWERED QUESTIONS