Opinion

Raising boys against the grain

Good girls are raised to be quiet, dainty and accommodating. Real boys are raised to be competitive, successful and tough. Girls can cry. Boys cannot. Girls are softspoken. Boys are boisterous.

I’m a mom to white little boys who will grow up to become white men. In America, white men have it pretty easy. They have both privileges that are institutionalized in our society.

We have pieces of answers to each of these questions and thankfully, many are ready to take whatever steps necessary to create a more just and merciful world.

While we bat around answers to the big questions, I am well aware of the answer to a different question. What kind of men do I want to Susanna Shetley Columnist raise? Feminism is a bold noun with a solid definition. Webster defines it as “the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.” There’s not a word to describe an act of advocacy to make men less domineering. For mothers who want to raise boys who oppose society’s definition of a man, we have to forge our own way.

White. Men.

It would be simple to let life unfold with little intervention other than common motherly traits such as love, nourishment and financial stability. I could offer those three things and my boys would probably turn out OK.

The problem is, while I’m raising my children inside the home, the world is raising them outside. And the world has a clear story about what it means to be a “white man.”

But as a woman who doesn’t routinely follow the status quo, I don’t want the world raising my boys. I don’t want them thinking it’s wrong to be tender, compassionate, sensitive and curious. Or that it’s OK to be brutal and to use white male privilege to get their way, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Turn on the news at any moment and there’s a story about a white man in charge doing this or that. It’s always the white men in charge who make the decisions for everyone. If my boys grow up to be white men in charge, I want them to be strong, kind leaders and good human beings. I want them to be changemakers and proud to be part of a new generation that’s inclusive.

Systemic racism and patriarchy are clearly causing issues in today’s society. But for many, these are elusive influences stemming from generations of lessons taught and lessons learned. The current state of America is causing people to reevaluate collective and individual biases. Where did they come from exactly? Why have they sustained for so many centuries? How can we change something so heavy and laden with history?

“Oh my God. This is what it looks like for boys to try to comply with our culture’s directions. They are not allowed to be whole, either. Boys are in cages, too. Boys who believe that real men are all-powerful will cheat and lie and steal to claim and keep power. Boys who believe that girls exist to validate them will take a woman’s rejection as a personal affront to their masculinity. Boys who believe that open, vulnerable connection between men is shameful will violently hate gay boys. Boys who believe that men don’t cry will become men who rage. Boys who learn pain is weakness will die before they ask for help.”

I’m reading a book called Untamed by Glennon Doyle, author, mother and activist. She has two daughters and one son. A recent chapter inspired this column.

Doyle begins by describing the types of daughters she wants to raise: “I wanted my girls to know this. You are a human being, and your birthright is to remain fully human. So you get to be everything: loud quiet bold smart careful impulsive creative joyful big angry curious ravenous ambitious. You are allowed to take up space on this earth with your feelings, your ideas, your body. You do not need to shrink. You do not need to hide any part of yourself, ever.”

Later in the chapter, after Doyle had watched a string of media clips about a 15-year-old male school shooter, members of a lacrosse team charged with gang rape, a college boy killed in a hazing accident, a middle school gay boy who hung himself and a 35-year-old decorated veteran who succumbed to PTSD, she writes this:

When I finished reading this chapter, I sat in the quiet, stunned by the truth of her words. Women’s marches and racial riots get a lot of press. Meanwhile, typical white American boys exist idly.

Mothers and fathers of boys must be intentional to undo the effects of traditional American influence. I want my boys to be creative, caring and empathetic. If they grow up and marry a woman, I want them to revel in her awesomeness. I want their egalitarian relationship to serve as an example to other married couples. I want them to be dads who change diapers, drive kids to school, cook meals and love their sons and daughters fiercely and openly.

If they grow up and choose not to get married, I want them to be confident in that decision and not shamed they didn’t follow the traditional path into fatherhood. If they discover they are gay, I want them to be proud of who they are and fight for their rights.

I can attempt to help my children understand patriarchy and racism, but to an 8-year-old and an 11-year-old who live in a homogenous demographic, it’s hard for them to truly experience injustice. What I can do is nurture them with a river of love and understanding, a current so strong, they will never feel they have to be someone they are not. In doing that, I hope to raise men who respect others for who they are and not for their gender or skin color. (Susanna Shetley is a writer, editor and digital media specialist for The Smoky Mountain News, Smoky Mountain Living and Mountain South Media. Susanna.b@smokymountainnews.com)

Inequality comes in many flavors

To the Editor:

Inequality plays out in all aspects of American life. For the past few weeks we have been consumed by policing, judicial and legal inequality, ignited by the George Floyd killing in Minneapolis, which has played out through massive international demonstrations followed by signs of improvement. Economic inequality today is the source of so many of our societal woes.

Economists use dozens of metrics to describe the distribution of money in this country. If you divide the GDP by the population things look pretty good, but even the simplest dive beyond that metric show a problematic trend. The actual distribution of economic resources, both income and wealth, has become increasingly skewed over at least the last 40 years. More and more of the wealth is concentrated in the hands of a smaller percentage of the population, especially the infamous 1 percent.

There are reasons for this increasing economic inequality that seem to stem from the desire of the wealthy to have even a bigger

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slice of the pie, which if it’s a zero sum game has to come from those below them. The bottom 50 percent has been financially eviscerated. As we have heard from numerous sources this group does not have the cash for a $500 car repair.

The disparity between the federal minimum wage and a communities’ living wage continues to grow. Within these numbers, the economic status of minorities is especially dire in terms of both income and wealth (accumulated resources). There are real world consequences to this impoverishment. It is responsible for most of our societal insecurities such as food, housing, transportation, education, health care, etc., which charities and local, state and the federal government struggle and fail to manage. It seems obvious that a better way to manage this problem is for our citizens to earn a living wage.

The typical Republican response is that any solution represents the evil redistribution of wealth or corporate welfare, both of which are anathema to their political beliefs. On the other hand, government’s job is to ensure the welfare of its citizens and this situation certainly compromises the welfare of many of our citizens. I hope this letter stimulates thoughts about this issue. A part two of this letter will hopefully be forthcoming soon. Eric Myers, Sylva

Moe Davis best option for 11th District

To the Editor:

Don’t know who to vote for yet on Nov. 3 for Rep. Mark Meadows’ vacant U.S. House seat? Perhaps this will help with your decision.

Moe Davis, candidate for the seat, has a very impressive resume. His degree is in criminal justice, having worked in law enforcement training at the NC Department of Justice when Rufus Edmisten was attorney general. He earned a law degree and served in the military, was deployed to the Middle East and tried over 100 criminal cases in the 25 years he was in the military, writing more briefs and arguing more cases in the appellate courts than anyone in Air Force history. He was appointed lead investigator for the 2003 sexual assault investigation at the Air Force Academy. In 2008 he retired as a colonel.

He is unwilling to be a yes-man regardless of who happens to be the president of the United States. Moe Davis was chief prosecutor at Guantanamo under the Bush Administration. Rather than following the order to use evidence obtained through torture, he resigned his post.

He was fired as Senior National Specialist for Congress during the Obama Administration because he criticized the policy on prosecutions at Guantanamo. After he sued, supported by the ACLU, his free speech rights case was settled after seven years, he was compensated and his employment record cleared.

No matter if you lean Republican, Unaffiliated or Democrat, this is the man for the House seat in District 11. As he says, “It’s not about party; it’s about doing what’s right.” Sue Resnik Sylva

We can atone for our sins

Commissioner Pless acting like a third-rate politician

To the Editor:

When it comes to the internet, I am the first to proclaim myself as a troll. Although I do appreciate Haywood County Commissioner Mark Pless’ extreme level of pettiness recently when lashing out at a constituent’s $16 dollar tax bill from seven years ago on his personal social media, I am appalled at his lack of professionalism. I am even more so disturbed by his lack of humility and self-awareness.

A person who lacks humility is arrogant. It is a person who only thinks of themselves and sees themselves as higher and better than others. There is no room for an arrogant person to improve themselves because they do not recognize their flaws. A person who is not humble does not have a growth mindset. Get humbled, Pless. Commissioners WORK for us. We do not work for you.

When defending his blatant invalidation of a Haywood County resident’s concerned email, Pless points to his constitutional First Amendment right. Mr. Pless, just because you have a right to free speech does not necessarily mean you need to exercise it at every opportunity. Impulse control is vital when you’re in a leadership position — even in the Trump era. You are a “leader” (I use this term loosely in your case). As a public official, you are most definitely held to a higher standard than the rest of us. If you can’t accept the responsibility then you have no place holding an elected office. As they say, “if you can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen…” By placing yourself in the spotlight, you open yourself up to criticism. It goes with the territory.

When I was serving in the U.S. Navy, I attended extensive leadership training. A true leader has integrity, serves as a mentor, focuses on team building, compromises, works with others, examines diverse points of view, and understands empathy. A true leader blends mindfulness, practical advice, facts and information to form a decision. Applying these practices, you’ll reach your “Optimal Outcome” — which may be vastly different from what you originally imagined, but more satisfying than you ever dreamed possible.

ignores two sins that haunt America. Those sins must be atoned. They are: our ancestors took North America from indigenous people, killing thousands in the process; two, our ancestors developed/exploited vast resources with African slave labor. Those two groups (victims of greed) were denied the wealth generated from North American resources.

A modest proposal to begin reparations to those groups: federal and state income tax forms could provide a box for each filer to designate a specified amount to flow to a fund for community projects /job development for Native Americans and descendants of African slaves.

So really, who exactly is Mark Pless serving in Haywood County? He is a fervent enemy of harm reduction. He continuously ignores our county’s homeless problem. Real people in our community are plagued with low wages, unaffordable housing, lack of healthcare access, and addiction issues. A leader should feel obligated to tackle these problems head on without denouncing and attacking individuals. A good offense is the best defense.

What next, Pless? Are you going to start phoning your adversary’s elementary school teachers to dig up dirt on their past behaviors so you can invalidate their concerns? This is not the campaign trail. This is not a smear campaign. This is real life — real people who live and work in your community. If you gaslight and distract from the problems, they won’t go away. A narrow mind is clearly not the answer and these issues have yet to disappear. No matter how much he deflects.

I would like to remind Pless that he is one person and we’re an army. Using ignominy to target specific individuals will not serve you in our community. I personally know the woman whom he openly shamed over $16. She is one of the kindest, most compassionate and accepting persons, an asset to our community. Instead of making a mockery of local government, Pless should be focusing on inclusion. We already have a president who can’t stay off social media. We don’t need a third-rate local politician mimicking him.

I’m an eighth-generation resident of this county. I never thought I’d see a day when our elected leaders were bullying the vulnerable and excluding differing opinions from the conversation. Mountain people will not be intimidated. We will not remain silent. We will be vigilant. We take care of our own. It’s what makes us unique. Get on board, Pless. Change is coming. It is currently sweeping the nation. We, the people, are no longer taking it on the chin. Heather Hyatt-Packer Haywood County

Let me stress that this should be an optional program. Not a requirement.

On his Nebraska album Bruce Stringsteen sings, “… shining across this dark highway where our sins lie un-atoned.” America cannot be great until we atone for those sins.

Why should reparations and atonement wait until the majority agrees? Why can’t legislators develop this elective program now? Let’s atone for our sins! Dave Waldrop Webster

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