Creating Social & Emotional Change
healing shame
Amy Lewis, LSW Ken Lewis, LPC
the experience
I
couldn’t remember. I was supposed to describe what my friend looked like as she jumped; I tried to picture what had happened, but I couldn’t. So I made it up. I didn’t know that I was making it up. I described to my friend what I saw in my mind, my “memory” of what she did. She said, that didn't happen, I never jumped. I was hit by a wave of shame so hard it blinded me. I could see nothing but my failure and unworthiness. I had tried and failed. My failure was witnessed by someone I cared about. Minutes passed. I sat, frozen, feeling my heart pounding. Flushed and ready to flee or fight, I tried to focus on sensation instead of the internal litany of self-recrimination. As my reaction slowed and my vision returned, I peered at my friend, expecting to see judgment and accusation on her face. Instead, I saw her direct gaze, calm and attentive, accepting. I took a deep breath and considered: if she thinks I’m okay, am I? Why did I do that? And what just hit me?
The major portion of shame in our lives is unacknowledged, internalized, carried shame. from Healing Shame blog
W
hat’s wrong with me? Why do I feel so badly about myself ? Why can’t I get over this? Many of us struggle with questions like these, stuck in discomfort, seeking a way out. Each of these questions can be answered with one word: shame. A growing body of work addresses the deep effects shame has on selfimage, relationships, and daily functioning. Shame has been described as a voice, a mask, a secret message, a reservoir, a response, a silent epidemic. Living with unrecognized shame leaves us vulnerable to pain and destructiveness in our important relationships. It
embarrassment…chagrin...shyness...sheepishness..
increases the likelihood of our hurting people that we love, feeds cycles of reactivity and selfdestructive behavior. Learning to recognize shame in all its guises opens the possibility to engage in life directly and deeply, without the attendant defenses.
what is shame?
S
hame is an emotion, or a “family of emotions”, according to Donald Nathanson, and a state of mind that is nearly universal. Human beings are born with the capacity, even the need for shame, in order to be socialized and know how to be a part Photo: Royal Constantine causes the flush of first shame. of a particular culture. Sylvan References to shame abound in Tompkins researched shame popular speech: what a shame, in the 1960’s, finding evidence shame on you, shame-faced, a that it is innate, beginning crying shame. Still, its ubiquity around 7-9 months with allows it to go unrecognized as babies’ “stranger face”. A baby, an underpinning of crippling looking for a parent or loved discomfort and anxiety. one, sees the face of a stranger instead. The expectation Shame is a barrier to the of connection, interrupted, experience of ourselves as
..humiliation...low self-esteem...feeling ridiculous...
In beginning to identify and acknowledge shame out loud, we take away some of its power. from Healing Shame blog
acceptable. Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron describe shame as “a painful belief in one’s basic defectiveness as a human being” (1989). There are references to good shame and bad shame; these categories feel limiting. We think instead of warranted and unwarranted shame. A positive feeling is impeded, and shame happens. This is a daily occurrence for most of us, and being shamed is not the problem. The problem is that we are taught to feel ashamed of our shame. What we need when we feel shame is a safe place or person to take the feelings to share them and be met with understanding, acceptance, and compassion.
why is shame important?
W
ithout compassion, or the ability to accept it when offered, we tend to hide in the face of our shame. We feel isolated, and unworthy of connection. Our body language might be telegraphing distress, with changes in skin tone, avoidance of eye contact, stiff posture, but we try to distract ourselves and our companions from what we are really feeling. Lee and Wheeler list some common defenses used to avoid the experience of shame: “deflection, rage, contempt, control, striving for perfection, striving for power, transfer of blame through projection, withdrawal, humor, denial-all the way up to violence and destructiveness to oneself or others,” (1996). The denial and defenses we use to manage overwhelming shame can create deep reservoirs of self-loathing and damage our relationships with others. When we live with reservoirs of unwarranted shame, it can lead
discomfort...disconcertedness...abasement...disgrace.
to a wide range of conditions and behaviors: drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders such as bulimia, anorexia nervosa and overeating, sex addiction, gambling addiction, religious addiction, low self esteem, rage, codependency, social phobia, road rage, domestic violence, relationship and marital conflict, and more. Shame contributes to the onset, and then feeds the conditions, creating an ongoing cycle of shame.
of going down into a vortex of enormous self-loathing. There is no rest with it, no respite, until it breaks like a fever. It’s like an attack but it can last hours, days, even weeks.
how can I heal shame?
S
hame can manifest as an attack, or a spiral. I experienced a shame attack when my friend told me I had described something that never happened. A shame attack is an intense wave of emotion, thoughts, and sensation over a short period of time. You might feel momentarily blinded, as I did, or crippled, or frozen as you try to process the flood. A shame spiral is the strongest experience of shame. There is almost a physical experience
Painting: Kellie Bloxsom-Rys
How can we stop the cycle of shame in our lives? There are some things you can do for yourself. If you wish to lessen the intensity of a shame attack or spiral, transfer your attention outward. Notice the sights and sounds around you. Reach out and touch something, and explore it with your fingertips
...ignominy...dishonor...mortification...degradation...
rely on when experiencing shame. Remember a time when you felt supported while feeling shame. If you can’t remember a time, create one. Imagine what kind of response you needed, and need now, from another person. This can take you deeper into the experience, and offer potential for healing as you find compassion within yourself and address underlying needs.
Photo: Hector Cinderhouse Casanova/Joy Deborah Robison
and palm. To become more aware of your feelings and situations that trigger shame, begin with a list of feelings. This familiarizes you with the range of emotion that can be precursors to a shame attack. Journaling can act as a conduit to bring shame up and out. Visualize shame rising in bubbles through your body and popping out of your head, dispersing into the air. Naming shame out loud diminishes its power: say, “I am feeling shame right now.” Develop an internal support structure that you can
Find a friend, therapist, or group that understands shame and can offer understanding, acceptance and compassion. Share experiences, offering the kind of support the other has requested. My friend intuitively offered warm, compassionate, silent support. I stepped out of the shame attack unscathed, with a sense of having faced my worst, embraced it, and moved forward.
what difference does healing shame make in my life?
K
en Lewis discusses the benefits his counseling
self-consciousness...disappointment...discouragement.
clients ascribe to the process of healing shame: “The first thing they talk about is an improvement in their relationships with family and friends, which includes less reactivity. There is a sense of peace; a greater sense of connection with others. There is a slow intermittent change in these areas, though people tell me about improved relationships within a few months. A sense of community arises among people working in a Healing Shame group, a deeper sense of the spiritual. The biggest goal is greater self-acceptance, less conflict within ourselves and within relationships with others and the world, and more acceptance of what is. A healing process brings a tolerability of shame—there is always some shame, it is a natural human affect—but there is a good deal of acceptance of the shame, making it a lot easier to deal with it, to live with it. It becomes okay. It can become okay. What our shame always needed was understanding, acceptance, and compassion.
name it: I am feeling shame right now.
visualize it: Imagine
the shame is an air bubble in a glass of water. Sense the shame rising slowly from your stomach, up through your chest, neck, and out the top of your head, dispersing.
externalize it: Cry, move, breathe.
find support:
A friend who can listen without judgment or advice, or group counseling to normalize the experience of shame.
meditate: Focus
your breath, allowing feelings to come up and out.
write: Use a journal to express and release your feelings.
...guilt...from Gershen Kaufmann (1989)
resources books
Healing the Shame that Binds You Bradshaw
There is Nothing Wrong with You Huber
The Secret Message of Shame
Potter-Efron & Potter-Efron
Letting Go of Shame
Potter-Efron & Potter-Efron
Shame and Guilt
Middleton-Moz
The Shame Response to Rejection
web
Healing Shame
www.healingshameblog.blogspot.com
Shame
Karen www. www.leadercenter.ru/Shame_ Robert_Karen.doc
textbooks
The Psychology of Shame Kaufmann
Thomas
The Voice of Shame
Brown
Shame and Pride
McFarland & Baker-Baumann
The Mask of Shame
Brach
Shame and Guilt in Neurosis
Rubin
Shame: The Power of Caring
Smedes
Shame and Its Sisters
Robertson
The Values of Connection
Brown
Beyond Individualism
Morris
Dynamics of Power
Huber
On Intimate Ground
Soul without Shame Shame and Body Image
Radical Self-Acceptance
Compassion and Self-Hate Shame and Grace Mortification I Thought It was Just Me Guilt and Shame Time Out For Parents
Lee & Wheeler Nathanson Wurmser Lewis
Kaufmann
A Sylvan Tompkins Reader Lee
Wheeler
Kaufman & Raphael Wheeler & Backman, editors
Shame and Guilt
Tangney & Dearing