WHAT DO THEY MEAN?

BY MARGO ROBERTS

History shows that families served as the primary source for “arranged” marriages between their offspring for centuries. The purpose of connecting two individuals, known as “courting,” was primarily to find a suitable mate to carry on a family bloodline; it served a biological function and had nothing to do with love.

The History Of Dating

For those new to the game of dating, it’s important to understand that finding a heartthrob hasn‘t always consisted of jumping online and viewing thousands of potential matches. Swiping left or right to snag a possible connection is a relatively new phenomenon. While it has taken hold, it’s only one of many options available to singles searching for a partner who shares common interests and objectives.

The act of dating is a new marvel. History shows that families served as the primary source for “arranged” marriages between their offspring for centuries. The purpose of connecting two individuals, known as “courting,” was primarily to find a suitable mate to carry on a family bloodline; it served a biological function and had nothing to do with love. Matching and marrying off a child was to ostensibly establish a legacy, inherit wealth, and, most assertively, preserve power and strengthen political alliances. In most cases, a female child would become chattel between a father and future husband; the transactional arrangement—much to the bride’s— dismay, would subject a bride to a life of solitude, oppression, misery, and unrelenting control.

Early society was riddled with vows of virginity, founded in religious practices; at the same time, a potential husband viewed the expectation as “added value.” Such purity of a young bride would enhance her appeal and rendered her “saved” rather than categorized as “damaged goods.”

Oversight and limiting a young marriable women’s accessibility was entrenched during the period; still, human desire resulted in carnal stay pure. The wavering left many suitors duped into believing they were marrying a maiden.

Over time and with women’s empowerment, equality of relationships took on a new look; women began to decide whom they would see socially, albeit with a chaperone. A transition to entertaining men and making the final decision as to whom they would marry took shape. However, there remain countries and sects where females are forbidden to show their faces or any part of their bodies and are not allowed to speak to males other than their husbands or children.

This first record of the word “date” is attributed to George Ade, a writer for the Chicago Record, in 1896, when he referenced the occasion when a woman and a man met publically instead of privately. In 1899 Ade described the recording of these meetings being entered into a “Date Book,” a form of ledger for keeping track of these dalliances, whether or not they were sexual or platonic.

With added freedom, surveillance of a woman’s values was left to society’s expectations based on class affiliation, religion, culture, family indoctrination, and of course, rumor.

Dating In 2023

Times have changed, and it’s unlikely a rerun of earlier times will ever be witnessed again. People are different; morality and integrity are in flux, sexual freedom is one of individual choice, and identity is unrestrained. There is no correct version of what some would call an appropriate relationship or those that can be neatly tucked away and hidden from prying eyes. Contemporary society is the wild-west show of lustful endeavors, most of which didn’t begin with the Internet but flourished as a result.

People have always searched for intimacy, whether it be a one-night stand (as comedic as that phrase sounds) to those deemed players—a term still used to describe someone seeking multiple sex partners; the sexual revolution continues to grow as if it were on steroids, and may still be enjoying its infancy.

If you ask a typical teen to a young adult if they are in a relationship, you can expect a spectrum of responses. The term “relationship” now has dozens of categories.

There is no correct version of what some would call an appropriate relationship or those that can be neatly tucked away and hidden from prying eyes. Contemporary society is the wild-west show of lustful endeavors, most of which didn’t begin with the Internet but flourished as a result.

WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Modern-day relationships have evolved; technically, they are an association between individuals or groups of people with or without common interest; they can take on a positive, negative, or neutral configuration, with or without intimacy, emotional connection, or commitment. But, within each stratum lies the potential for physical intimacy. This deep dig into the nuances gives rise to specific categories of encounters. And, even though sexual prowess may drive the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily indicate romance exists.

Types Of Relationships

SUB-CATEGORY—ALTERNATIVE n Transactional n Fetish n Throuple n Polyamorous n Fluid n

Adult Dating

Given that some relationship categories accommodate the action of dating, they can be subdivided into casual, romantic, or other forms of interaction. For example, “Friends with benefits” indicates routine sexual enjoyment between two consenting individuals that may or may not share other interests. It is different from “Hooking Up,” which is more aligned with acquaintances, a one-time encounter without any intention of sharing future experiences.

Moving on to sexual partners, it seems clear that monogamy is off the table, and the relationship is non-exclusive. Regularly spending time together, the unwritten rule is to keep outside interests private to not interfere with the pleasure of spending time together. Highlights of this interaction include going out publically and engaging in regular sexual activity. The emotional connection is not intense; however, often, one of the partners may develop more serious feelings resulting in these types of connections becoming short-term.

Situational and committed relationships are separated by whether romantic and exclusivity components are in place. Usually, situationships are not defined (they lack a label), and the withholding of feelings. It could be compared to dancing around issues of the heart.

For those wishing for more and a sign of maturity, a committed relationship is facilitated by explicit conversations about the future, arranging schedules to meet regularly, and the use of identifiers such as boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, or significant other. Usually, those in a committed relationship are monogamous. Although it is always good to confirm this agreement, otherwise, one of the partners will feel slighted, and issues of trust will ensue.

As for engagement and marriage, each public announcement indicates the couple’s intent and comes with exclusivity unless they agree to what is known as an “Open Relationship,” which allows partners to enjoy sexual relations with others. Governed by legislation, engagements have little oversight except for property rights, but marriage, while sanctioned by religious affiliation, is under the jurisdiction of the courts.

A common theme inclusive of the previously mentioned types of relationships is clarity of intent; in each case, participants are expected to speak to their expectations or limitations of involvement. In doing so, miscommunication can be eliminated with an exit plan at the ready. Honesty is a principal ingredient in each of these interpersonal connections.

Trouble Ahead

The following four relationships can be problematic, even illicit. No good comes from dishonesty, so let’s begin with Affairs.

These breaches of trust are found everywhere and have limitless boundaries. From the homeless to celebrities, no couple is immune from cheating. The reasons for wandering are unimportant because they are usually recycled excuses; the stress of work and family, financial concerns, or the lack of intimacy; it’s a roulette wheel delivering awful news when least expected. Clarity is lacking, dishonesty abounds, and we’ve all heard the claim, “I made a terrible mistake.” Really?

One’s word is the gold standard in a relationship; once breached, it turns to and Teacher/student interactions. The news is filled with indictments of those exercising control or supervision over an employee or student. For decades such behavior was ignored and, believe it or not, commonplace. However, after students graduate high school and reach the age of consent, finding an educator who bedded one at the college, graduate, rust, and like it or not, you are suspect for the rest of your life.

Research shows alarming rates of infidelity, with an increased number of women carrying on duplicitous relationships. The elevated level of women having affairs is attributed to increased involvement at the workplace and newly found freedom from the home.

When speaking about troubling relationships, look no further than those arising from Professional/Collegial or post-graduate level would be effortless. Working closely for long hours on projects with mutual interest is a recipe for creating an environment inducing a thirst for curiosity.

And, while circumstances varied, some of these relationships were nonconsensual and forced.

As for after-work get-togethers or office parties, they were notorious for sexual interactions between management and employees.

Any inappropriate interaction with a family member is beyond comprehension and requires reporting a suspected abuser. Child endangerment and maltreatment are rampant in society, not only within immediate and extended families. Whether it is impulse control issues, loneliness, or criminal behavior, at no time can such aberrant actions be tolerated. If you believe a child is in harm’s way, contact your local authorities or an office dedicated to preventing abuse.

A comparison between Community and Adversary relationships is intriguing; each has a similar foundation because they often involve parties with similar, if not identical, objectives. Friction is found when power struggles emulate dissatisfaction, perceived slight, or favoritism. Aggression can arise, although it is often disguised by false pretenses. Conversely, both relationships can yield cautionary interactions due to future benefits or elevated social standing. We’ve all heard the idiom, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

Also included in our list of relationship types are groups of individuals, sometimes referred to as sexual Fluid, not finding harmony with societal norms; we have them under the Sub-Category— Alternative Relationships.

An Old Phenomenon With A New Name

Some would pronounce that all relationships are transactional, but over the last decade, the trend has upticked and modified from its origins—referred to as “gold-digging.” Having morphed into the “Kardashian Effect,” a generation has become imbued with delusions of undeserved fame, recognition, wealth, and perceived achievement. Unable to earn or create the luxurious lifestyle they view on social media and headline news, their best effort is to monetize a single asset—their sexuality. In doing so, they entice and entertain potential mates for their money and lifestyle.

Shallow and unsatisfying, this form of relationship is riddled with strife and insecurity; over time, pressure mounts, the glitter evaporates, and rejection follows. Love and compassion of a committed relationship are substituted with pride and an obsession with status.

The stereotypes of these emotionally frail but physically robust beauties who have no future are accurate; they cling from one relationship to another. Dependent, narcissistic, often exhibiting borderline personalities, they are blameless and competitive, yet in the end, they’re engulfed in a cocktail of acquaintances, sexual partners, situationalships, uncommitted relations, and affairs.

Fetish relationships are not so out-ofthe-ordinary. Actually, they’re not much different than committed ones. Those coming together with similar interests can easily partner and provide a bedrock of security for each other; having found an alternative vibe that keeps the love flowing can hold interest. It should be noted that it isn’t the person fueling the sexual energy; instead, it’s the objects, body parts, or actions associated with sex that provide physical and emotional satisfaction.

Sexual fluidness is often referenced in social media and is gaining in popularity. The more common are

Throuples (three partners in an established relationship), Polyamorous (having multiple partners often with the knowledge of others), and those who identify as Fluid. They partner with all genders and are not fixed on a single sexual persona, expanding the field of finding a satisfying relationship(s).

We’ve included Adult Dating in this list because while it fits neatly into the primary relationship category, it comes with its challenges.

Those under this umbrella often are single due to divorce, the death of a spouse, or they find themselves late to the arena because of educational or career choices. Children, both young and adult, financial obligations, distance, and work commitments are baggage that contributes to the strain when forming this new relationship.

Another issue adding to the confusion is age differential; as men and women age, they alter their preferences for a partner. Women complain that men of like age are “hunting” for mates significantly younger than themselves, and at the same time, these women are inundated by young men looking to score “MILFS.” When young bucks are asked why they pursue partners significantly older than them, they often respond with, “I want someone with experience.” These relationships are some of the least satisfying when factoring in their short engagements and the societal heresy regarding older women and younger men.

There is no easy method for meeting and connecting with others; relationships are comparable to negotiating world peace. Rules of engagement are equally difficult to decipher, with each generation having a completely different set of expectations.

The best advice is to read and learn about what might work on the new frontier of dating, to find someone with the same values, life situation, and maybe a person who is as frustrated as you are; sharing common ground could lead you to your soulmate. H