Intimacy

You can’t force or fake romance—so don’t try!

Never have words been so accurate and wise to follow.

To embark on a romantic relationship, there needs to be an initial attraction; maybe eyes lock, butterflies swirl in your gut, or your internal temperature increases; beyond this, cognitive and chemical changes occur. Brain activity increases and substances target pleasure centers when we experience the excitement of meeting someone unusually appealing.

When compatibility strikes, people evaluate their internal desire to have physical and emotional contact with the new person they find interesting. Touch, verbal communication, laughter, and thoughts of sexuality will be in the mix when considering the next step.

What can be confusing is that these same feelings and desires can happen without love and align more with immediate gratification—aka, a casual relationship or a “hook-up.” In these situations, one of the participants might feel uncomfortable. If a relationship begins too quickly, they might believe they were taken advantage of or rejected if the connection becomes a short-term fling; it’s something to keep in mind.

For a healthy relationship to flourish, it’s vital to understand the difference between love and sexual intimacy. Players looking for short-term gain physically or financially will use the notion of love to gain the confidence of a possible match. The objective is to obtain selfish satisfaction at the expense of another. Conversely, those who put shared experiences, in-depth conversations, and spending quality time together ahead of intimacy, will indicate they wish to establish a friendship that could turn into a long-term romantic bond.

Words Of Caution

If you’ve just met someone, don’t know anything about them, immediately find them sexually attractive, or feel a “crush” coming on, take it as a warning and slow down. These are the signals of aesthetic attraction and are often short-lived; being able to decipher genuine interest comes with experience and maturity.

Another way of viewing this type of attraction is to consider whether the feeling is lustful or wholly based on appearance. A question to ask is whether this first response is too exhilarating, feeling wonderfully dangerous, or more like the first steps in a long journey.

When deciding whether you feel sexually or romantically attracted to someone, ask yourself these questions: n Do I want to get to know this person, or is it the possibility of having sex with them causing my reaction? n How would I feel if I could only be a friend of this person; would I abandon my interest and move on to find someone else? n Am I ready to commit to being in a long-term relationship? n What am I desiring; is it an exclusive relationship, dating, or sharing this person with others? n How would I deal with them wanting to share their feelings, experiences, and thoughts with me? n Are they indicating similar interest in me?

Centuries Of Romance

Ancient Greek philosophers uniquely conceptualized love; they deemed romantic love as Eros, love of family was referred to as Storge, Philia was the name given for brotherly love or friendship, and Agape describes an unconditional love in a relationship, for God, or significant person.

Love hasn’t evolved so dramatically on an interpersonal scale but has become more expansive in allowing interchangeable allocation of emotions that transcend all four types of love. Today, there’s greater experimentation with Eros; with added weight, situations are soon followed by an evaluation of the experience and less consideration of a next step. Such actions could crudely be attested to “Try it before you buy it.” Such a mentality hosts a plethora of issues for partners.

First Signs

You meet or have been introduced to someone, and a conversation begins. And because human behavior is perceptive, due to millions of years of development—based on survival—in a split second, you have already decided if you are interested in engaging or taking flight. Yes, this decision may not always be conscious, but it was made almost instantly; what follows will decide your fate and that of another.

It is also possible to become confounded by what appear to be mixed signals; in these cases, a person seems friendly and attractive, but they are severed from romantic feelings. These people are drawn to platonic relationships and considered “aromantic.” While they don’t experience romantic attraction, they may fully enjoy sex for its physiological pleasure; they simply don’t connect emotionally. Unfortunately, they are limited to partners who feel the same or can tolerate a physical-only relationship.

Some people are asexual and don’t subscribe to intercourse; they thrive within the boundaries of an extended friendship. This person may search for someone to marry, live with, raise a child, and celebrate their togetherness, but without intimate physical contact. This type of relationship is challenging to find.

Once you make contact with a potential mate and your hominid instincts activate, here is what you should watch for; they could be signs someone is interested in getting to know you better.

Clues Of Attraction

#1 Hair flipping is one of the most obvious signs you’ll notice. Possible connections can be found tossing or running their fingers through it or playing with the ends—a sure indicator of attraction. Also noticeable is preening or enhancing physical appearance. Indications include fixing a tie, looking at a mirror for a quick check, touching or stroking a beard, and reapplication of makeup or cologne.

#2 Mirroring can be subtle and innocent, but it is visible, especially if you watch two people perform the act. Similar hand gestures, body movements, repetitive words or sentences, nodding, and similar laughing characteristics are noticeable.

#3 Physical presence is a key indicator of attraction or interest. If you are standing with your shoulders facing a person and they mimic your stance, it could be related to a desire to interact, but if they turn their bodies at an angle, this shows a lack of interest and a need to look distracted.

#4 Eye contact is crucial, and lack of it is a deal breaker; if eyes are roaming, then it’s time to move on; they aren’t focused on you. Watch for “bedroom eyes.” Hard to describe, but when you see them, you’ll know it! Another cue to look for is an eye drop. Eye contact moving down to the chest is an intimate gaze; it should not be used by a man when meeting a woman but is acceptable in reverse or by same-sex couples. (Eye dropping can be unconscious, so stay alert).

#5 Proximity is tricky at first and in many situations. If the environment is loud and difficult to hear, they will need to lean into the conversation; if they do, you’ll get an indication of their interest; if not, understand they don’t care what you are pitching. Watch to see if they invade your personal space, which is about 12"-18" from your face or body. The closeness will give you evidence of interest.

#6 Touching a hand, shoulder, or the sweet spot—an elbow, provides evidence of comfort around you.

#7 Verbalization and asking questions are sure signs of intent; active participation or not allowing lulls in a conversation shows attraction. Sharing personal or intimate information will put you on the right track.

#8 Attentiveness; being courteous by loaning a jacket, opening a door, wiping a spill, or showing awareness will put you in their good graces.

Other signs that a man is open and approachable include, standing with uncrossed arms while gazing and lacking a phone. He will stand straight with his shoulders back, feet planted securely, and show his hands. While speaking to a potential mate, he will rub his face or neck to release pheromone.

Under the same circumstances, you’ll notice women do a head-tilt and quite often expose the neck region; these actions are two-fold; they indicate she feels safe or at least comfortable and is releasing pheromones. They may also show the underside of their wrist, which demonstrates femininity. The touching of lips is a bit more forward, but if subtle, it will blend with the other actions mentioned.

While speaking, men’s voices deepen, and women rise to sound more attentive.

INTERNET DATING & COMMUNICATIONS

Millions of people looking to develop a relationship have decided to move online, and with this jump, they spend a great deal of time texting or messaging. Not always easy to judge interest; here are some things to look for: n Emojis indicate feelings, and people will be honest when using them because it is a safe and secure way to communicate. If they use them often, they are probably expressive and enjoy speaking with you; the smiling ones show their disposition, and they are enjoying your time together. Emojis with kissing and hearts are indicators of stronger feelings and could be an invitation for a deeper conversation or an invitation to make a date.

While it’s challenging to evaluate the level of interest someone has by the amount of time it takes to answer or how often they make contact, one easy way is to notice when they make an effort to reach you; if you receive a morning and evening text or a mid-day, “How are you doing” message, then it is a safe assumption that they’re thinking kind thoughts, and aren’t into playing games. The Science of People.com offers some interesting thoughts about body language and actions of couples once they date, and how couples interact physically shows much about their relationship.

Here Is What They Say

n A man lightly pressing his hand on his lover’s back while they’re going inside a building shows dominance and his desire to provide security.

n When a woman hooks her hand through a man’s bent arm (called the arm link), whether down the street or at a social function, the non-verbal cue is, “He’s mine!” n When walking hand in hand, the holding together indicates a sign of mutual attraction and protection from outside interests. Also, there is no “upper hand” in hand-holding. However, you can observe the more dominant person in a relationship by noticing whose hand is on top. n The waist embrace is when a couple presses against each other with the front or side of their body touching. Waist embracing is limited almost exclusively to a courting pair since contact is very close to the private area. n When witnessing a head-to-head gesture or having their arms wrapped around one another, it pretty much means they are closing out the world and have no interest in outside events. n The caress or public displays of affection (PDA) include gestures of stroking, rubbing, and squeezing a partner’s body. It also involves kissing and looking into a partner’s eyes. It is typically reserved for young couples who wish to ignore their surroundings, concentrating exclusively on discovering each other’s bodies.

Caught In The Act

An exciting and extraordinary tale to share is a story from the website where they call hotel receptionists the “Masters of Relationship Detection.” Having the most anecdotal research available, they can often predict the relationship status of couples when checking into a property. Here is what they look for:

Nonstop conversation; newly acquainted couples act like lovebirds; fully involved, they are attentive, in constant contact, and talk about anything, and seem exuberant about the littlest of things.

Nervousness is a sign of fear or caution; couples carrying this baggage and lacking the other type are showing—in full view—their intent.

Muted love is evident when couples have been together for a while; they shy away from flirtatious behavior and may appear overtly serious; it doesn’t mean they aren’t in love but down the path of natural progression.

When couples lack synchronicity in their interactions and movements, it is usually a sign they are new to the hotel and each other; they haven’t the time to anticipate or understand each other’s preferences.

Then there are fake couples who overcompensate by excessive hugging or overplaying their attachment. Having to tell the room you’re a couple shows that you’re not authentic.

Our simple guide may not seem so easy at first. Still, with a little effort and a focus on behavioral cues, you can start the exciting journey of making a valuable emotional connection, leading to a relationship of your choice.

It’s now up to you. H