Living Well

Your Brain In Love

BY ROB SAINT LAURENT, M.ED

Research says that we experience three types of romantic love during our lifetime: The love that seems right, the love that’s hard, and the love that lasts.

Our first time in love tends to be when we’re younger and naive. We have a certain ideal in mind and think it will last forever. We tend to focus on how we’re perceived by others rather than our feelings. The second time tends to be painful and teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves and what we need in a relationship. It tends to become a cycle of repetitive issues and drama. The focus becomes making things work rather than the relationship itself. The third time’s the charm. This love is easy and happens unexpectedly. It often doesn’t fit our preconceived notions about what love should look like. It teaches us how to receive love and give love.

While all these love events are matters of the heart, the part of us that Cupid targets most is the brain. Scientists labored for decades attempting to understand how the brain and body work when love strikes. While much remains unknown, some of its mysteries have been revealed.

WHAT IS LOVE?

In 2021, psychologists Adam Bode and Geoff Kushnick analyzed romantic love from a biological perspective, looking at its psychology, mechanics, purposes, and development over a lifetime and throughout human existence. From a comprehensive literature analysis, they devised this working scientific definition:

Romantic love is a universal or near-universal motivational state that serves multiple functions centered around reproduction but can have many purposes depending on a person’s stage of life and its duration. It happens mostly early in romance but can lead to a lasting bond. Romantic love occurs throughout the lifespan in men and women and features a range of mental, emotional, behavioral, genetic, neural, and hormonal activities. It likely emerged alongside pair-bonding, which is a relatively recent occurrence in human history.1

The researchers found multiple biological processes involved in romantic love they say support the idea that it serves multiple functions. It’s associated with reward and motivation, sexual desire and arousal, emotions, and social processing. It’s linked to higher brain activity involved in memory and attention, for example. They also found a link to multiple hormonal systems, such as sex hormones, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, and cortisol. The reward and motivation neural system, which is rich in oxytocin (often called “the love hormone”), may be particularly involved in mate selection and pair-bonding.1

The researchers explain there’s a lot of psychological similarity between romantic love and early parental love, or mother-infant bonding, suggesting that romantic love may have arisen by “co-opting” mother-infant bonding processes.1

“Love is a very complex process,” said behavioral neuroscientist Sandra Langeslag, Ph.D. of the University of Missouri-St. Louis. “[S]o many different brain regions (and hormones and neurotransmitters) are involved.” 2

Physical Attraction

Acclaimed neurobiologist and author Semir Zeki observed brain regions associated with the reward system light up on brain scans when people deeply in love looked at photos of their beloved, supporting Bode and Kushnick’s conclusions. 2, 3

Langeslag’s research showed the brain’s dorsal striatum region (part of the reward system) being activated when people in love gaze at photos of their romantic interest. She says this is indicative of how attending to our romantic partner reinforces our loving feelings more than with other people. That said, we don’t know whether these regions are more active when in love than when not, she noted. 2

Zeki explains that brain regions activated during romantic love contain high concentrations of dopamine hormone, a neurotransmitter that produces feelings of euphoria and is involved in reward, desire, and addiction. This suggests why being in love makes us feel a constant drug-like “high” that drives us to bond with that person. At the same time, dopamine levels rise; however, levels of serotonin, linked to appetite and mood, fall—likely explaining why people in love are often less interested in eating. 2, 3

The Mating Game

Though sexual strategies can vary between individuals, renowned anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, Ph.D., says women and men (and baboons) engage in universal behaviors when they come within courting range.4

When a woman spots a love interest, she smiles at him as she quickly opens her eyes wide, raising her brows for a full view. She then lowers her eyelids, tilts her head downward, and looks away. Often, she’ll hide her face with her palms and giggle nervously. In men and across animal species, the chest thrust (puffing up) signals dominance and interest in a mate.

The most striking aspect of this courting process is probably the gaze, says Fisher. In cultures where eye contact between men and women is permitted, a man or woman will focus intently on a potential suitor for several seconds before looking away; if their pupils dilate, they’re extremely interested. The gaze triggers an instinctive engage-or-flee reaction in the per- son being viewed that can’t be ignored. While deciding whether to play along, the person will likely fidget in some way to alleviate anxiety.

The American singles-bar scene also follows a familiar pattern, according to researchers.4

After people secure their territory, they begin to seek attention. Young men will exaggerate body movements, as in using the whole arm to stir a drink; they may stretch or pitch and roll the shoulders. They will swagger as they move about, similar to male primates that have an eye on a potential mate. Human males and other male species may also groom themselves as an outlet for nervous energy and to keep themselves moving to garner attention.

Young women will engage in a lot of the same behaviors: gazing, smiling, exaggerating movements, grooming, moving about their territory. They will also do the familiar hair twisting, head tilting, coyly looking at the ceiling, licking their upper lips, blushing, hiding their faces, and other signaling gestures. Fisher says Western women also assume a particular body posture when courting that can be traced to 16th century noblewoman Catherine de’ Medici. They unnaturally arch the back, tilt the buttocks and thrust their bosom forward as they strut in high heels swaying their hips.

To complete the pickup, potential lovers will begin synchronizing their body movements as they become comfortable, either before or during conversation. They will face one another, then begin to perhaps cross legs together, pat their hair in tandem, etc., as they gaze intently at each other. Fisher says this mirroring, called interactional synchronicity, begins when we’re infants as we learn to move our bodies to the rhythm of a human voice. She says this happens in all cultures and many animal species.

From Infatuation To Lasting Love

In the early stages of romance, there is an increase in levels of oxytocin and vasopressin that make us want to bond with our love interest in our dopamine-flooded euphoric state. Meanwhile, there’s a decrease in brain activity in the amygdala and frontal cortex, which are involved in decision making. At the same time, the decrease in serotonin drives us to obsess over our love interest, as low levels have been linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder. This chemical combination can lead to vulnerable, unstable feelings and poor judgment in mate selection. 2, 5

With increases in adrenaline and phenylethylamine neurotransmitters, falling in love is like the high from cocaine, explains Deborah Khoshaba, Psy.D. To help us stay grounded, she advises that we realize what’s happening to us so we can enjoy the moment while still making sound decisions. “Enjoy the high, but don’t lose yourself in it. Acknowledge you are under the influence of some powerful hormones. Keep your schedule. Get the nutrition, rest, and relaxation that you need. When concerns and fears come into your mind about your lover, ask yourself if you are just trying to discharge the anxiety that you feel about the unknown so that you can stop a personal drama in its track. Don’t rush to seal the relationship just because you can’t stand the anxiety. Don’t lower your defenses, personal boundaries, and expectations to the extent that you are denying what you really desire and need.”5

If the relationship survives the infatuation period, which could last six months or several years, a strong pair-bond can take hold. That said, though it’s our natural desire to pair-bond, Agustin Fuentes, Ph.D. says it’s unlikely that all married couples are pairbonded with wide social and cultural differences regarding why and how people marry.6

Based on animal research, it’s believed that oxytocin and vasopressin trigger neural circuits for monogamy during mating.7 Some scientists believe that romantic love is simply a “commitment device” for pair-bonding and the heavy investment needed to raise children. 8

Interestingly, Khoshaba explains that when falling in love, testosterone decreases in men, making them more emotionally receptive, while increasing in women, making them more sexually aggressive. She’s had “more than one” male client lament their longterm partner losing the ravenous sexual appetite she had in the beginning, saying he feels tricked.5

“If you have felt this way about a female lover, now you know that it was her hormones that made her into a girl gone wild.”5 H

1. Bode, A. & Kushnick, G. (2021, April 21). Proximate and Ultimate Perspectives on Romantic Love. Frontiers in Psychology.

2. Cohut, M. (2020, March 16). What does love do to our brains? Medical News Today.

3. Zeki, S. (2007, June 12). The neurobiology of love. FEBS Letters, 581(14), 2575-79.

4. Fisher, H. E. (2016, June 9). The Biology of Attraction. Psychology Today.

5. Khoshaba, D. (2012, March 20). The Early Stages of Falling in Love. Psychology Today.

6. Fuentes, A. (2012, May 9). On Marriage and Pair Bonds. Psychology Today.

7. Young, L. J. (2003). Offspring: Human Fertility Behavior in Biodemographic Perspective. National Academies Press (US).

8. Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., Campbell, L., & Overall, N. C. (2015), January). Pair-bonding, romantic love, and evolution: the curious case of Homo sapiens. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(1), 20-36.