Features
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Mothers of special needs children are the fiercest tiger mamas out there.
Left: Peter Valente before a footbal game
Adoption and Special Needs By: Dr. Sharon Valente
Adoptive parents will tell you there comes a point when they know they were meant to be that child’s parent. We were blessed in 1999 with the adoption of our son Peter. Time moved on and with careers and raising one child, we kept making excuses about adopting a second son. But there were multiple, subtle reminders over the years, especially when a group at our church in Medina, Ohio asked us to include “why Peter” as part of our witness to engaged couples. We were bombarded with questions about children when we announced we were getting married. We joked along, but the jokes were very painful as we knew that
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due to some medical issues we would be unable to have biological children of our own. We tried to push it aside, but the reality of wanting a family was still there. We prayed and talked and started the adoption process with the provison that we could change our minds at any time. We were notified on January 29, 1999 that we had a referral. I was in a board meeting for my university, and needless to say, all concentration was lost. How supportive they were is an understatement. When we actually saw Peter’s picture, Gary kept saying that was our son. Every adoptive parent will tell you that there comes a point when they know they were meant to be that child’s parent. We met with a pediatrician and reviewed our decision. On February 3, 1999, we formally accepted the referral – on the 15 year anniversary of my mother’s death. Fast forward to Spring 2003. The excuses were still there as well as a very insistent four year old who wanted a little brother. We visited my father in Florida who was in the latter stages of Lewy Body dementia. And while it was hard to see my dad in this condition, this was a man who was still first and foremost about family and faith. Wasn’t it a comment on my life, that my father with dementia had his priorities more in line than I did? When we returned home, we did some serious soul searching. That soul searching included going through the mini mountain of paperwork involved in just starting
an international adoption. We met with the adoption agency. When I indicated that we were willing to consider a child with special needs, the consultant’s face froze. She asked if we would consider a child born with cleft lip and palate – and that was the start to our journey. We eventually received the referral, which includes a picture. That smile has been my sunshine for the past ten years. One night, I was driving home I-71 from teaching a night class. For those of you from Georgia, imagine being totally exhausted, driving home I-16 at night in a downpour. And on the radio came Mark Schultz’ song, He’s My Son. It voiced what every adoptive parent feels after they’ve fallen head over heels in love with their child but have yet to bring that child home (so please keep in mind those in process parents who are dealing with the Russian adoption ban). It also symbolized the journey through Holland for those of us with special needs children. I’m down on my knees again tonight I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right See there is a boy that needs Your help I’ve done all that I can do myself If You can hear me Let me take his place somehow See, he’s not just anyone He’s my son Remember I said we indicated we would accept a child with special needs? Like any parent, I had fallen in love with our son and his cleft was secondary. I had no idea what therapies and surgeries were involved, the frequency, the cost, the lack of insurance coverage, the time. But as many of you know, adoptive mothers have already fought so many battles
to bring their child home that this is just one more. And mothers of special needs children are known as the fiercest tiger mamas out there. We were fortunate that my former and current employers were respectful of the time I needed to care for both boys. I even arranged to take one semester off from teaching after we came home, thinking one semester would be sufficient to catch Kevin up. That’s pretty funny now, in hindsight. I do go through multiple guilt trips, every single day. I feel like I should be doing more, but where is there time? How many of us have gone the “where is there time for me” guilt trip? I’m happy if I get five minutes for myself each day, and commuting back and forth to work does NOT count! I think the strongest recommendation that I have is find a support network. You need other mothers who understand what you are going through. Mothers of biological children won’t understand the pain and turmoil, what paper pregnancy is all about. I’m sure you have heard about those Right: Peterparents Valente who had met their children in Russia, but cannot complete the adoption due to the adoption ban. Trust me – the pain is unbearable as I have some very good friends in that situation.
But my fellow adoptive mothers, my fellow mothers of special needs children, I don’t know where I’d be without you. You have let me vent when I needed to and picked me up when one more thing was just too much. You held my hand, even virtually, as Kevin went through all of his surgeries. We have laughed and cried together. I know you are there and you understand and I’m not alone. The cover of our adoption announcements captures our experience perfectly. We may not know the plan for us, but I wouldn’t change a thing: Especially since it was a prayer answered not once, but TWICE.
MORE INFORMATION ON ADOPTIONS, FUNDING ADOPTIONS AND ORPHANS VISIT: • showhope.org • members.shaohannahshope.org/site/ DocServer/your_ guide_starting_fund2. pdf?docID=281 CLEFT PALATES, VISIT : • widesmiles.org • cleftline.org
When I indicated that we were willing to consider a child with special needs, that was the start to our journey. 29 l Something Special
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