(N'T) ISSUE I
OH HEY THERE. SO YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE'RE ABOUT. WE'RE JUST BEGINNING; SLOWLY CURATING OURSELVES AS WE GO. RIGHT NOW, WE'RE ABOUT UNVEILING THE REALITY SOCIAL MEDIA HAS ENCOURAGED US TO HIDE.
WE'RE ABOUT TRUTH. WE'RE A MOVEMENT DEDICATED TO INSPIRING CRITIQUE OVER WHAT WE SEE AND POST ONLINE. WE'RE HERE TO REMIND YOU THAT NOT EVERYTHING YOU SEE ONLINE IS THE WHOLE TRUTH, THAT THERE IS BEAUTY IN THE CHAOS OF REAL LIFE'S IMPERFECTIONS. IN THIS CRAZY WORLD OF ENDLESS CONNECTIVITY, WE'RE STARTING CONVERSATIONS ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH ALL THE NOISE.
AND BY WE, I MEAN ME, SORANNE FLOAREA, AND ALL THE WICKED CONTRIBUTORS TO THE (N'T) MAG, ISSUE I.
THANK YOU FOR READING. THANK YOU FOR WRITING. LET'S SEE WHERE THIS GOES.
SORANNE FLOAREA EDITOR
OUR CONTRIBUTORS. WRITERS
ALEX PRONG (7) JULIA LLOYD (10) JOANNA LEWICKI (13) KATE WALLACE (14) KRISTYN PACIONE (18) EMMA MERIANO (20) CLARA NICOLAE (23,35) BEN WAUGH (24) SORANNE FLOAREA (26) JORDAN LEAH (29) ASTRID CIOATA (30) RUBY LAPOINTE (34)
COVER/ PHOTO(S): PAT HOFFMAN
MANIFESTO.
4
5
6
THE FALLACY OF PINK Alex Prong
tldr: living in the moment is hard; it’s liberal bullshit embroidered on a pillow. But living for some future moment is infinitely worse, neoliberal bullshit. About a year ago, I accepted an offer to a creative writing program in Scotland. In addition to fear of the empty and abysmal prospect of graduating and a third grade insatiable need to be an “interesting” person, this decision was poorly informed by reading too much Nietzsche. I thought that feeling alive meant not thinking about decisions, doing whatever you can, just because you can. A little demon came to me in the night, and I packed my bags. Scotland has been a lot. Since I literally didn’t think anything before coming, I didn’t really have expectations for it to either fulfill or let down, but I can tell you one thing: since my arrival in this lively, historical, art-filled and culture-rich country, I’ve never felt so sedated. I am so bored and lifeless, I may as well be dead. If you think I’m being facetious, try reading Nietzsche.
7
The summer between graduating from undergrad and moving to Scotland I spent in a room in my parents’ house in the small town in which I grew up. The only worthwhile part of that town was (and still is) my longtime closest friend, Lauren. She was about to embark on her next piece of schooling at The National Ballet – a very big deal. We spent many hours that summer on long walks lamenting how great our lives would be when we got out of that sleepy town and were doing “what we were supposed to be doing.” Once, I actually said, “If our grade twelve selves could see us now, I think they would really, truly be proud.” And then a circle fade transition zeroed in on the sunset and on rolled the credits. Life, from now on, would be easy. So why, two months later, did I find myself standing on a sixhundred-year-old stone bridge at two in the morning smoking a cigarette, tears in my eyes like a regular Roland Barthes? Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering. For some, that rhythm is a cacophony of self-pity, carcinogens in asthmatic lungs, and a fuckton of frozen pizza. You would’ve never guessed it by my Instagram from the past year: all mountains, sheep, and the university shrouded in a pink sunset. Last season’s regarder la vie avec des lunettes roses has been upgraded to IOS47. Now, we look at life through a pink filter. Come to think of it, when I visited Loch Ness, the monster I glimpsed was pink, too. Pink is the Pluto of colours. There’s no P in Roy G. Biv; no single wavelength of light appears pink. Robert Krulwich of NPR 1 explains it better than I ever could: pink is wishful thinking. Pink is Instagram, and if it hasn’t become abundantly clear by now, I’ll tell it to you plain: pink isn’t real life. Cut to: present day. Still in Scotland, I will return to Canada in April to write my dissertation. And on my wall is a calendar with big pink Xs over the days that I’ve already endured, a big pink circle around April 6th , the day I fly home. This life that I thought would be easy, that was exactly what I was supposed to be doing, has become a prison sentence.
"PINK IS INSTAGRAM, AND IF IT HASN’T BECOME ABUNDANTLY CLEAR BY NOW, I’LL TELL IT TO YOU PLAIN: PINK ISN’T REAL LIFE." 8
The “high school self” I was referring to earlier had a similar system. She had a sign on her wall that read: “four more years of trouble and tears.” Replace reading too much Nietzsche with watching too much Skins, and you have a character sketch of me, in grade nine, patiently waiting for the fateful day when I would graduate high school, move out of my parents’ house, and never return to Smalltown, Ontario. Lauren and I phone each other often. Moving so far away, I had originally thought that I had to appear like I was enjoying myself, to pink filter my emotional availability, because I was putting such a strain on all my personal relationships by pursuing this degree in Smalltown, Scotland. On a recent call, I couldn’t keep up the performance. She asked how it was going. And with the eloquence of Cook from Skins, I said, “Really fucking shit.” “Yeah,” she said. “Me too.” We agreed that things would get better when I got home. But isn’t that the same exact thing we’ve always been saying? The grass is always greener, etc, etc? Is it better or worse to live in the moment when the moment right now is complete dogshit? I don’t have an answer. Ask me in April. Until then, I resolve to be blue. 1
https://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2012/02/28/147590898/they-did-it-to-pluto-but-not-to-pink-please-not-pink?t=1550529969803
9
O C T O B E R 3 0 / 2 0 1 7
I AM NOT WHO MY SOCIAL MEDIA PORTRAYS
J U L I A L L O Y D
Everyone has something about themselves they wish they could change. Even some go out of their way to portray themselves differently to others for the sake of keeping their true self— hidden. Everyday I worked on perfecting my social media profiles to my idealistic self. I sometimes felt like I had two personalities to maintain; one that I hated and one I wanted to be all the time. I was at a point last year when I wanted to end my life because I couldn’t stand disappointing people with who I really was. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t like being around myself, it had more to do with not living up to what I thought others expected from me. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD) when I was in grade 10. GAD, is when anxiety can be triggered by almost anything that the individual sees fear or unease in. Living with GAD disorder is extremely difficult, not just for me but for my friends and family. My anxiety made me panic and blackout to the point where I didn’t even remember what I had said 2 minutes before. My biggest problem was that I couldn’t let things go until my anxiety went away. If I got in a fight with my parents for example, I wouldn’t leave them alone until the
10
"I CAN DEFINITLY NOW SEE WHERE MY SOCIAL MEDIA STARTED TO STRAY FROM WHO I REALLY WAS. I DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW I WAS SUFFERING"
problem was solved because my anxiety wouldn't let me settle. Sometimes, when I would get anxious I would get all this confidence and start saying anything and everything on my mind and then as soon as things calmed down, I would instantly regret what I said. By the time I got to grade 12, my anxiety was manageable and I was extremely happy with myself. I can honestly say, if you were to look at my social media during that time it probably did a decent job in portraying the raw me. University is a whole new story. I had anxiety almost everyday. I remember being anxious before every journalism class because I felt so unconnected with everyone. It seemed like all the people in my program had published something and I had just a blog that no one followed. Looking back at that time in my life now, I can definitely now see where my social media started to stray from who I really was. I didn’t want people to know I was suffering—I wanted them to admire me.
"NONE OF IT WAS REAL." To get people to admire me, I tried my hardest to look like I was having the time of my life at university—when I was mostly in bed sleeping. To get people to think this, I posted a TON of snaps on Snapchat, only showing parts of my life that had some excitement. My Instagram was full of selfies and photos of friends, making my followers think I was happy. On Facebook, I reposted a lot of news articles and I made comments on them to show people how into my program I was. I posted photos and made big captions saying how much I loved my friends. I even fixed my blog and posted all the articles I wrote for first year to make it seem like I was published and successful.
My anxiety kept getting worst no matter how many fun pictures I posted on social media. I started getting heavily into smoking weed and removing myself from my family and close friends. When the summer started I was working at my cottage but my suicidal thoughts kept getting worst. Social media told a different story. It made the impression that I was living the cottage dream. I posted so many snaps of me having fun at work and partying with a bunch of country boys. I posted Instagram pictures of me out on the lake and going out with friends.
When second-year came along I was thinking about suicide everyday. Only those who were around me saw how bad things were becoming. I ended up having to start medication because my depression got so bad I stopped going to classes, I stopped going to work and lost almost 50 pounds. I let everyone who didn’t see me regularly think I was okay. Whether I was in bed for almost a complete day, I still managed to post photos on Instagram that were taken weeks prior. I sometimes posted Snapchats of me enjoying the day when I was actually curled up in my room—stoned.
11
After many long and scary months I haven’t thought about suicide in the longest time. I have taken time and reflected on my social media and how I want to be perceived. I am OK with not being OK. I am comfortable in sharing my insecurities because in the world of social media, hiding your true self is mentally draining. I noticed that bettering my social media didn’t better me. Once I started realizing how big of a lie my social media was, I changed. I only post things for myself now. My social media portrays the real me because I’m in control of my mental health. I don’t allow myself to look for pleasure in an idealistic version of myself. It isn’t easy and I have set backs all the time. I still have a lot more bad days then good—but I am better. My social media no longer portrays a Julia I don’t recognize. As published on CBC
12
VERSIONS OF MYSELF: A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT by Joanna Lewicki
The Reasoning: "I wanna see which one people resonate with more: my true self–which I believe is perfectly represented by the first picture, or the second one–the version of myself mainstream society seems to prefer. I've already noticed that the people that prefer the first one are people I naturally resonate with more in life in general. I'm not out here to people please so I wanted to see who will really resonate with my message as I fully step into myself online."
WHICH DO YOU RESONATE WITH? WHY? 13
I DELETED MY INSTAGRAM account after giving it up for lent in my first year at Western. 40 days and 40 nights was plenty of time to cleanse my brain from soaking an endless feed of nothingness, and rewire it back to reality. (For the Christians of the crowd – don’t think I don’t realize how stupid it is to compare deleting an app to going without food for six weeks...but I’m a millennial, what did you expect?) It has definitely been one of the best day-today decisions I’ve made, and would greatly recommend others to try it out for a few days at a time to see what you notice. I have a very complicated relationship with social
A SOCIAL MEDIA RELAPSE: HOW ~LIVING MY BEST LIFE~ HAS LED TO AN INNER TURMOIL by Kate Wallace
media because, well, I really hate it, but I still need to be up to date on its algorithms and updates for my future career and social circumstances. Out of the four main Canadian social media platforms: Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter, I have deactivated and deleted all at some point in time. These decisions have made me feel more in control of my Internet presence and authentic character growth. So if that’s the case, why do I feel tempted to partake in instant gratification online when I’m finally doing something I know the world would find interesting? As of January 2019, I have been on exchange in Singapore at Nanyang Technological University. In all honesty, so far my exchange experience has been almost as good as everyone hypes it up to be, which is pretty shocking considering how highly rated it is. Of course there have been bumps along the way like homesickness and literal sickness (gotta love that Southeast Asian “chicken”), but that’s no secret. The issue is that my exchange has been so great, that for the first time in a long time, I want people online to see it for themselves–something I definitely am not proud of. By no means would I consider the friends I am
14
with here to be 'social media people' in the sense that their
whole lives revolve around their online presence, but they do post the occasional smiling photo on a beach in Bali. It makes me want to also. Just to clarify: I see no problem with posting these. The problem lies within my internal crisis of questioning if the reason I was so easily able to break up with my Instagram account in the past was because I had a boring life that has just recently been spiced up. All of a sudden I have so many
"SOCIAL MEDIA SATISFIES AN UNATTAINABLE CRAVING FOR ATTENTION" decently authentic photos of me surfing and laughing and ~living my best life~ that I know people would envy, and I hold selfhatred for wanting to bring those green-eyed monsters to life. Social media satisfies an unattainable craving for attention that I never thought I needed. Being a media student within a corporate university such as Western, in an economically prosperous country such as Canada has led to a threeyears-and-counting identity crisis of critiquing capitalistic and inauthentic systems while simultaneously basking in white, bourgeois (and the list goes on) privilege within those systems in order to thrive. I feel no different about my relationship with social media. 15
Though I try my best to separate myself from it, I continue to engage at some level. Hypocrisy – it seems to eat me alive. To borrow from the every[hu]man narrator which F. Scott Fitzgerald illustrates so complicatedly in his The Great Gatsby, “I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life”. That statement summarizes my feelings toward sharing my life online; I don’t wish to feel as if I have submitted to the undertows of social media nor am I in a position to judge those who are active users. It is common for people to express negative opinions towards social media, but it's rare to recognize that the platforms were made by people for people, and
that we are contributors. I am not suggesting that everyone delete all social media accounts, but I think it’s important to recognize that we, as consumers and users, are very capable of contributing to the toxicity that makes up social media. Carelessly conforming to narcissistic and/or disingenuous behaviours on Instagram is just as bad as blindly following a Faith or worldview for no reason. We need to be conscious about the content we are putting into the world, and aware of the impact it has on ourselves and our morals.
16
It’s not easy for me to admit that I succumb to the alluring pull of instant gratification that social media offers, because I pride myself in dedicating a lot of energy into fighting online conformity. I want people to know that even those who appear to ‘abstain’ from social media are not immune to the powerful emotional affect it has over their thought processes. Even while I scale a waterfall in the Philippines, it somehow feels like it's not enough to just have this memory stored in my mind – I feel myself wanting the online world to see that my Friday is much better than theirs. Why is this the case? How can social
media alter my experiences so greatly? I’m happy to report that I am having a wonderful time on exchange despite the dramatic lows which inevitably occur, however, I am constantly searching for a balance of experiencing peace in solidarity while simultaneously sharing memories with close friends and family members. This reflection has allowed for me to revisit the first line of The Great Gatsby, where Carraway quotes advice from his father, “Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.” It’s a gentle reminder of how privileged I am to be having this once in a life time experience in the first place.
17
ATTACK OF THE “SUMMER BOD” A Tale of a Ravenous Beast Born From Ulterior Motives… By Kristyn Pacione As the days get longer and sunnier, I feel I must warn you of the impending arrival of our craving for the “Summer Bod.” What is the Summer Bod you ask? It is a mythological beast that holds tremendous power over you, though you may not even know it. It is stealthy, and hides in your Instagram feeds and in the images on your favourite store’s website. It hides in plain site, never directly attacking. Through subtle appearances on your “suggested Pins,” it takes its place at the forefront of your mind, consuming your days and planting treacherous thoughts within. Feasting on your insecurities, it makes you feel less than, broken; like you need to be fixed. Just thinking about the notorious Summer Bod can trigger nausea and despair. When you get a last minute invitation to a cottage and know that you will inevitably be seen in a bathing suit, the Summer Bod creeps its way into your subconscious. It has the power to trick you into thinking that food is the enemy. Before you know it, your desire for the Summer Bod completely takes over your mind and lifestyle. If it catches your attention for too long, the Summer Bod will sink its claws into your mind until you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. 18
We wear shorts, regardless of the fact that we have cellulite. We dance like no one is watching, even when thoughts of the Summer Bod try to convince us to keep ourselves hidden from the world. When we get invited to the beach, instead of thinking “how many pounds can I lose before the weekend,” or “can I grow bigger boobs in two days,” we will think, “I cannot wait to make some memories.” We will be proud of our bodies, no matter the shape or size, and when the Summer Bod tries to sneak its way back into our minds we will say “nay, nay” beast, not today!
What happens if you try and resist? You'll be consumed with fear that you are not as good as the Summer Bods. Fear that when the time comes to make your way to the beaches and pools, you will not measure up to the beauty of the Summer Bod. For you see, the Summer Bod is no friend, but a foe. A foe that seeks only to bring you down and cause you pain–that is until you open your wallet to transform yourself into something more “beautiful” and worthy. But fear not, my friends, for you see, the Summer Bod is not real like you and me. It is notorious, yes, but not real. It is through the commercial society around us that we fall prey to the clutches of this imaginary beast. We tell ourselves it must be real because social media tells us it is so. They teach us to crave the Summer Bod if we wish to be happy and enjoy the summer weather. So how do we fight off this false beast?
"WE WEAR SHORTS, REGARDLESS OF THE FACT THAT WE HAVE CELLULITE. WE DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING"
For real though, whether you are a size “XXS” or “XXL,” whether you are an A-cup or an E-cup, you are beautiful, and your “Summer Bod” is YOUR BODY, as it is right in this very moment. It does not need to be altered to fit someone else’s standards of beauty. The companies that try to convince you otherwise are the ones that profit from your insecurities. They try and make you feel worse about yourself so that you seek out their products to “make you better.” They feed only their own ambitions and you are good enough without them. If you genuinely want to make changes to your body because it makes YOU happy then live your best life and GO FOR IT! I am simply trying to say that we are in control of our own bodies and our own standards of beauty! Let us not forget what is real life and what is simply an illusion designed by consumerism and social media. You are GORGEOUS, just as you are! 19
E M M A M E R I A N O
20
INSTAGRAM IS THE IDEAL SELF HELP BOOK THAT YOU NEVER FINISH READING Social media has given new and extremely intimate access to our hobbies, likes and dislikes as an individual. Listening to someone’s playlist has almost become as personal as flipping through their diary. More specifically, Instagram's Explore Page is a direct portal into our inner and possibly secret desires. The Explore Page is gendered to show content that is in your direct and specific areas of interest, in hope that you’ll click a post and delve into the deep and never-ending cycle of swiping through image after image. My friends and I recently compared our Explore Pages and discovered how personalized they really were; there was everything from strictly vegan recipes and work out videos, to Kardashian highlights and pugs. We all laughed at how embarrassing our results were. Exploring Instagram always seemed like such a private activity–I never had to worry about who would see what content I was searching. Noticing what I was most inclined to click on was surprising and eye opening. It was a combination of breakfast food recipes and young celebrities like @lilireinhart and @colesprouse (and pretty much the entire cast of Riverdale even
though I don’t watch the show anymore because it took a drug/supernatural turn I can't back). I wish I didn’t have as much interest in celebrity lives as I do, but hey, gotta have some guilty pleasures, am I right? Right? I also have a tendency to look for inspiration on fashion, health, exercise and travel, which makes me think I'm on the road to improvement. But in reality, I'm just looking at things I didn’t even know I needed or wanted, inevitably setting myself up for disappointment/what I perceive as failure but is really just disinterest. Instagram has started to feel like a platform where I can discover anything about everything in terms of self improvement, all the while comparing myself to anyone that appears to be living life better than me. This is the evil side of being able to post our ideal selves online. It makes us feel great by making other people feel worse. That most liked photo on your profile? Probably stirred up some sort of envy in about half your followers, right?
Instagram feels like the newest self help book that doesn’t actually teach you anything valuable, but rather sends you into a downward spiral of reading about how to fix the things you think are wrong with your life without actually fixing them because you’re too busy reading about how to fix them. All those workout videos and recipes I save, probably don’t ever get looked at again.
"I am just looking at all these things I didn’t even know I “needed” or wanted, setting myself up for disappointment." 21
I think I have begun to realize how much Instagram encourages me to “better myself� since lately I've been using it way more than I usually do. Usually, it is not rare for the Instagram app to be deleted from my phone, but since moving to a new country I have been very keen on keeping my friends and family updated on my travels. So, there comes the problem of me learning how to create a balance with this demanding app. How do I use it to my advantage and maybe allow it to actually help me improve myself without it doing the exact opposite and turning my Instagram time into a pool of jealousy or regret for seeing a workout and instantly blaming myself for making the choice to take a day off from the gym. My decisions should not be constantly challenged by this completely inanimate object being controlled by algorithms that are in favour of my overuse and unproductivity. Maybe we all need to actually read a self help book to realize how encompassed our lives have become with this need to be better and prove that we are better by sharing the best content possible online. This new sense of entitlement is a recipe for disaster that will lead to us overlooking our bad habits and weaknesses. If we ignore our faults then how are we meant to work on them and strive for improvement and solutions? I think a little social media detox is in my near future, but for now I will try to reduce my time spent on Instagram each day, and observe the differences in mood and confidence. Thanks of taking the time to read my rant!
22
THAT’S LIVING, THAT’S LIFE. Clara Nicolae // Kilkenny, Ireland My Facebook profile picture is, and always has been a picture of my dog. I don’t post many pictures of myself on Facebook. Why? Because I’m very much a wash and go type of girl, always have been and always will be. An interesting picture for me doesn’t generally have my face in it. I’m not someone who posts beautiful glamorous pictures of themselves that have been edited with face retouching software to make them look perfect. That’s not how I want to spend my time that’s not how I want to recall my life. As I approach my 60th birthday I count myself blessed. I am now able to spend my time doing things that I enjoy and, importantly, with people who give me energy as opposed to taking my energy away. I don’t know how much longer I will be treading this earth, friends younger than me have died and pop stars my age are dropping like flies, but I do intend to enjoy each and every day. In the words of U2, "When I die, I want to feel that I’ve lived".
I think I understand my friends who post pictures of themselves in all sorts of situations. The photos always seem to look better than they do in real life, I guess they are using face retouching software. They need the approval of others. They don’t know that they are beautiful people and that the most beautiful thing they can wear is a smile. Not that fake smile that I see on the photos they post, but that genuine smile that makes their eyes sparkle. Of the photos that I’ve seen posted on Facebook this year, the best was of a friend I’ve recently reconnected with after 41 years. She was with a group of friends and their smiles beamed at the camera. When I messaged her I discovered that she had just recovered from a mastectomy and was about to start chemotherapy. She was at her amateur dramatics group Christmas Lunch and their smiles said it all, she and they were having a ball. That’s living, that’s life.
23
THE DOUBLE EDGE SWORD @BENWAUGH DECEMBER 6, 2018
One thing see far too often on this platform is people comparing themselves to others and worrying too much about their engagement. People are so caught up in how many likes they get on each post and how many followers they have–it takes over thier life and I've seen it happen to friends of mine. It's one thing to upload a photo and be excited about it getting a lot of engagement/likes, but it's another thing to let that take over your life. Likes and followers shouldn't be your reason for uploading and sharing content to this social media platform. Sure, I love it too when people like my photos and when new people follow me, but you need to be mindful that it's easy to get too caught up in this.
24
You should be uploading photos and sharing your life how you want to. It doesn't matter what social media platform you're on, you should be sharing for the right reasons. I got serious about posting photos daily when I moved to Canada 8 months ago. It was a way for me to document all the incredible places I visit and explore as well as all the incredible people I meet. Over the past 8 months my Instagram community has grown way beyond where I ever though it would. and learning I am now in a position where I am lucky enough that my work involves photography, travel, adventure and story telling. Reality is: I am shooting, editing, sharing and posting for me, no one else. I love creating content, sharing stories and experiences, and that is what motivates me to create content. These are some of the fantastic opportunities that are waiting on platforms like this, but it's so important to remember why you started sharing in the first place.
Through the places I've traveled I have had some amazing opportunities, met incredible people both online and offline, and I've made new lifelong friendships. I think that this is the most underrated tool on this platform. The communities, networks and friendships that are just waiting to be discovered. For years now, photography has played a large part of my life, and through constantly shooting
25
A (DIS)CONNECTION by Soranne Floarea
SEPTEMBER It was September and I was walking home, distracted by an impeding sense of having something I needed to do. Somewhere I needed to be, someone I should be talking to. I looked down at my phone: 3 iMessages, 2 Facebook notifications, and a Snapchat. Involuntarily swiping left, I caught my mind flirting with the prospect of disconnection. What would it feel like to break free of the constant stream of lives, updates, and opinions I’ve tethered myself to? I turned my phone off. But what if I kept it off‌ For a month? photos by @pat.hoffman
DAY 1
DAY 2 There’s a constant humming. We’re always on, always connected. Abandoning any sense of finitude, we’ve adopted a perpetual state of incompletion. There’s a droning in our pockets, constantly reminding us of the world we’re missing out on. A world that we need to know about, that needs to know about us. Post, scroll, check, recheck. It’s that incessant connectivity I originally wanted to escape; the impeding overwhelm of daily life, characterized by our attachment to everyone else. Little did I know there was more to this experiment than merely escaping the noise.
DAY 4 As the first phoneless days passed, I noticed that while we’re more connected than ever, we’ve never been so afraid to be alone. With the comfort of connection now gone, I stepped into a world of perceived solitude. Yet slowly, a thin yet unwelcomed sense of disappointment began creeping over me. I’d want to immortalize sunsets in photos only to find myself having to accept the inevitable finitude of their beauty. I’d want to share flashes of happiness with friends only to find myself reveling in isolation. But hardest were the moments where I’d want to check if anyone thought of me, messaged me, craved me–only to realize I was unreachable. As the moments passed, I found myself disassociating worth from sociability.
27
DAY 21 As days turned to weeks, my life adopted a new normalcy. Walks became longer, conversations more fulfilling, life less distracted. Involuntarily, I was spending more time thinking, reflecting. Three weeks in, I found myself alone at a restaurant — far away from the dependability I’d placed on others for validation. My mind was alive with recent epiphanies. As it turned out, letting people know of my happiness wasn’t going to make me any happier, and putting my lunch on Instagram wouldn’t make it taste better. I was also surprised to discover that FOMO only existed when I was aware of what others were doing. Alone in that booth, this experience suddenly became less about escaping connection with others and more about fostering a greater sense of it within myself.
DAY 30 So, where do we go from here, when the extremism of total disconnection isn’t practical, but neither is the dependability we’ve placed on interaction? In retrospect, this experience didn’t quantifiably or physically change me. Rather, it gave me a chance to figure out who I am in relation to nobody but myself. It made me aware of the way constant connection distracts us from ourselves, masking authenticity in cloaks of conformity, painting over individuality, and externalizing our search for truth. And with that realization, September shifted something inside of me, affecting the way I see myself in relation to everyone else. The truth is, I can’t properly put this feeling into words; and even if I could it would only resonate with myself. What we feel, the way we interact and connect with ourselves, with others, with life, and how we see the world— those experiences are so unique to each of us. But they’re also things we can’t keep pushing back. They’re things we need to tune ourselves into, and become aware of. And sometimes the only way to do that, to truly connect with ourselves, is to allow ourselves to disconnect. 28
Previously published by Thought Catalog at https://thoughtcatalog.com/sorannefloarea/2019/05/disconnection-an-honest-story-about-ditching-my-phone-for-a-month/
Jordan Leah
life without a filter
I had a very hard time with mental health issues growing up. I was very insecure. When I went to college, I started meeting new people and seeing posts of girls with perfect bodies laying in sexual poses on the beach. I wanted to look like that! I would spend hours trying to get a good picture, sometimes even go certain places JUST for a good picture. It was running my life. Then, I would sit and edit to try to look perfect— completely changing my reality. I would desire the perfect relationship I saw in photos, and started caring a hell of a lot more about material things that I never cared for before! I would stalk my own Instagram to check my likes and compare myself to others’ based on the number of hearts lit up on my page. Finally, I deleted my Instagram (what seemed to be the hardest for me) and vowed to only take one or two pictures and delete my editing apps for good. I wasted so much time working towards having good content for my Instagram, that I was never really present in the moment. My friendships got better and I found a man who agreed with me and HADN’T spent his time surfing through Instagram pornography pages of outrageously gorgeous, edited women. As a classroom teacher, I work hard to influence young kids to love themselves and NOT need to share every positive thing about themselves... to talk when they need to about the negatives, too. Our day of social media has really ruined any middle school-high school aged child’s ability to find themselves and love them selves WITHOUT A FILTER AND EVERYONE ELSE’S OPINIONS!
29
A SERIES OF STARTLING EDITS BY @ASTRIDORNOTHING 30
before
after
31
before
A NEW FOOT? WHY NOT!
after
32
before
after
DON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE. 33
TURN OFF AND TUNE IN RUBY LAPOINTE
You’re absolutely right that this isn’t real life. Could social media be any less social? Just two days ago, I heard my friend say that so-and-so was nothing to him because she didn’t return his Instagram follow. These platforms that we all “connect” on have made us appallingly disconnected. This isn’t real life. This isn’t even living. Have you ever felt your heart swell with anxiety because you were just notified that someone commented on your status? They could have commented anything. We hinge our relationships with people who we don’t speak with in-person on our interactivity with them through social media. And it is ruining everything. How are we supposed to keep someone’s best interests at heart, and cherish their memory, if their involvement in our lives is as disposable as our next NewsFeed update. We don’t know where we stand with them. But we think we do. We think we know what’s going on in the world with each refresh of our Feed. We think that the world is bad, and dark, and scary, so sitting in the dark glued to our devices, munching on this Skip (which has in itself eliminated the need for any door-to-door interaction) will do us good. That’s simply not the case. These violent stories, and terrorism, and terrible things that we’re all exposed to need to be recognized, but they are not the reality we live in. Put your phone down and take your headphones out. Turn off your WiFi and step outside. I promise you, if you smile at people, someone is bound to smile back. Your “hello!” will be returned. Your positive energy will be reciprocated because even though we are addicted to technology, there has never been anything more desirable to the human heart than the need to connect. So turn off, and tune in. 34
SUMMARY OF ROBERT PRESTON’S ‘THE AGE OF EMOTION’ FROM WHAT THE FUCK BY ROBERT PRESTON
by Clara Nicolae
Robert Preston reports that there has never been a more exciting time to be a journalist, but that the corollary is that the parameters of journalism are now much more complicated as he needs to deliver content to social media. Whilst he has found the experience energizing on account of readers challenging and offering new views, he has also recognized that it is now not hard journalism that generates a huge audience. Rather, it is the off the cuff emotive tweet when he expresses raw anger or frustration that swells his audience to millions. Preston reports that social media as the empire of emotions and feelings is dangerous for journalism and for democracy. Preston states that if he were to follow the diktats of the new social media market, his journalism would become skewed and tendentious. He would look only for stories that made him laugh or cry which would insinuate his views into every home. Preston states that digital media's current eco-system is dangerous for journalism because it equates viewership with emotive news. According to him, readers now are more apt to believe lies presented on social media rather than the truth in newspapers, because our personal relationship with social media automatically validates everything we ingest. Preston feels that it is hard to assess whether we will end up with chaos in which the distinctions between fact and fiction are appallingly blurred, or whether we are drifting towards the tyranny of deep-pocketed technocrats, whose ability to use algorithms to invade our digital lives and find out all our hopes and fears will give them power not only to target messages at us to get us to buy stuff we did not know we wanted, but also to vote for parties and people we had not thought we supported. When China’s government is using algorithms to screen a billion WeChat accounts for anti-government sentiments, it is probably time to fear the worst. 34
TILL NEXT TIME. WWW.THISISNTREALLIFE.COM
