The Grindr Survival Guide

BY JOHN SOTOMAYOR, WITH TONGUE FIRMLY PLANTED IN CHEEK

As most gay men know, Grindr is the gay sex app that has replaced gay bars for hook ups. It is loaded with pitfalls, yet these days there are few other options, so a necessity for some. A challenge for others.

First rule – don’t do it. Save yourself the aggravation and meet someone through friends, at the gym, or jack o to porn. If you are like most guys, you will ignore this advice and do it anyway. For the thrill of it, right? If you must, then you should at least go prepared.

Here are some guidelines to the eight types of men you will meet on Grindr and the tools you will need to survive your ordeal.

Note: the wisdom shared here has nothing to do with ethics. It is simply a practical guideline on what to expect and what you will need if you decide to go through with it.

The Hustler.

This will be the best-looking and/ or youngest guy, usually with the biggest package you will nd on Grindr. But, he comes with a price tag. He will always want money and sometimes a ride.

Need: a fat wallet with disposable cash and your ethics checked at the door. The latter will apply to everyone on the list, except for the last one.

The Uggo.

There is a reason this guy only posted his torso without a headshot, and it is not because he’s on the downlow. He’s 20 years older than his pro le pic implies and 50 pounds heavier.

Need: a blindfold, and a six-pack of beer. It’s best if you cannot see or no longer care.

The Down Low.

He uses the grayed-out pro le pic and usually requires long conversations before he trusts you enough to share his pics. He’s on the down low because he isn’t out of the closet yet, identifies as “straight” and usually has a girlfriend or wife. Most guys bypass the grayed-out pro le but that could be a missed opportunity. The down low guy is usually the hottest in hiding. If you are truly on Grindr for the one-time hook up, then this is the way to go. Bonus, these hotties in hiding will be repeat callers if you satisfy them as they are reluctant to hook up with many, feeling safer with one or two regulars.

Need: Patience. And resilience.

The Catfish.

If you see an incredibly good-looking guy’s pic, proceed with caution. This could be a fake. He’s the uggo who’s given up. This guy relies on your horniness to give in rather than return home with blue balls.

Need: Ask him for multiple photos before you agree to meet. The novice usually only has the one used as the pro le pic. A seasoned pro will have a few more but usually taken around the same time or location, stolen from Facebook. Five or more photos taken at varied locations and ages is a safe bet.

The Tweaker.

He’s a junkie who’s already high on drugs. Usually, meth or ecstasy.

Need: A reality check. If you are willing to go through with it then you are already out in the deep end. No need to continue reading. It doesn’t matter what I say. You’ve already decided to take your chances with whoever you nd. Good luck.

The No-Show.

This guy gets off punking others by getting their hopes up then not showing up or sending them to the wrong location. It’s frustrating.

Need: Determination. Not with this guy. Send him a nasty note, then block him. Be determined to nd another guy. Try the Down Low. Trust me. I won’t lead you down the wrong path. Or give in to the fatty (uggo). At least you know he’ll be there.

The Pervert.

This guy is into the freaky stuff and often suggests groups.

Need: Double-up on condoms and a visit to the free clinic for safe measure. This is the guy most Grindr adventurers want to meet “for the thrill of it” as a one-time only encounter, but it comes with a price tag. Unlike the hustler, the cost could last a lifetime.

The Normal Guy.

Saved for last, this guy is the rarest nd on Grindr. The most elusive, but not an urban myth.

Need: He’s a keeper, so bring your A-game. But note, in Grindr hookups someone is the freak. If it isn’t him, then it is probably you. Take inventory on yourself and decide which of these eight do you t the pro le. That way, when the Normal Guy uses the Grindr Survival Guide against you, you know how to counter his tools of choice.

No matter who you turn out to be or who you encounter on the list, the one tool you should always carry whenever venturing on Grindr is the following: lowered expectations. That will always make your experience more bearable. A valid point when dealing with Grindr, a man with low standards has nowhere to go but up.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: JOHN SOTOMAYOR is the publisher and editor-in-chief of Embrace Magazine. He has 15+ years experience as a journalist, writer, editor and publisher. He has approximately 35 years experience as a gay man, and roughly 10 years experience — off and on — on Grindr. He is quick to note that none of that experience makes him an expert on anything or qualified to give advice to anyone.