DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS

by Sai Honig, Engagement Security Consultant at Amazon Web Services

I was having a discussion with a mixed group of people when someone brought up the topic of “death by a thousand cuts.” They were referring not to “a form of torture and execution originating in Imperial China” or a Taylor Swift song about a breakup, but to something that can, and has been, the cause of many women leaving high positions. It describes something many women and minorities face in workplaces.

In this discussion I described my experience of being appointed to an international board, and appointment I knew had created a special opportunity to showcase myself.

However, from the moment I arrived I could tell I would have to prove I belonged. So, I quietly endured every sleight and ignored every mispronunciation of my name (If you can say Daenrys Targaryan, you can learn to say my name!). Every time I was talked over or not recognised, I stayed quiet. When I did reach out to ask politely to talk with individual board members, I was ignored. I even had one board member mock my ‘Americanness’ because I spoke multiple languages and lived outside the US. Each and every time, it felt like a cut.

Why did I stay silent? I wanted to show I belonged, that I had earned my seat at this table, that I was a ‘team player’.

During my three-year term I served on almost every committee. But after three years I had had enough. When my term ended, I felt like former New Zealand PM Jacinda Ardern. I had “no more left in the tank.”

I did not seek re-election to serve another three years.

Of course, people were surprised, including the other board members. What they did not see was the “death by a thousand cuts.” What they did not see were my capabilities. What they did see was my endurance and commitment to do the work. However, I could no longer endure another three years of slights and indifferences.

I did not get any appreciation from my fellow board members. I got not responses from them to a heartfelt email send prior to the end of my tenure. In the years since only one board member has reached out to me to ask me for something related to her work.

I share this experience because I know many women and minorities often “put up and shut up” to stay in a position that, over time, depletes them. In the end, many of us have chosen the path of ‘silent quitting’ - doing the minimum requirements of the job and putting in no more time, effort or enthusiasm than is absolutely necessary.

This ‘silent quitting’ may mark women and minorities for layoffs. Research suggests that women and people of colour have been disproportionately affected by the recent wave of layoffs. It is estimated 45 percent of those who lost their jobs in the recent wave of layoffs were women. Keep in mind, when the workforce is not split evenly between women and men, losing 45 percent of the women is a huge cut.

It is even more challenging for women in high positions. In its 2022 Women in the Workplace report, Leanin.org stated “More women leaders are leaving their companies,” giving three key reasons for these departures.

1. WOMEN LEADERS WANT TO ADVANCE, BUT FACE STRONGER HEADWINDS THAN MEN.

• Women leaders are twice as likely as men leaders to be mistaken for someone more junior.

• Thirty seven percent of women leaders have had a co-worker get credit for their idea, compared to 27 percent of men leaders.

2. WOMEN LEADERS ARE OVERWORKED AND UNDER-RECOGNISED.

• Women leaders are twice as likely as men leaders to spend substantial time on DEI work.

• Forty percent of women leaders say their DEI work is not acknowledged at all in performance reviews.

• Forty three percent of women leaders are burnt out, compared to only 31 percent of men at their level.

3. WOMEN LEADERS WANT A BETTER WORK CULTURE.

• Forty nine percent of women leaders say flexibility is one of the top three things they consider when deciding whether to join or stay with a company, compared to 34 percent of men leaders.

• Women leaders are more than 1.5 times as likely as men at their level to have left a previous job because they wanted to work for a company that was more committed to DEI.

It is even more difficult for women from minorities. The same report found Black women leaders were “more likely to be undermined at work.” They faced having someone imply they were not qualified (20 percent) or being mistaken assessed as holding a lower level role (38 percent)). Even worse, was having their judgement questioned (55 percent)! These are listed as microaggressions. Each microaggression is a little cut. Cumulatively they can drive many women to simply leave – whether they be in high positions or low.

I was asked recently to consider applying for a highsounding position. I say high-sounding because the position was not high in the organisation’s structure and its holder would have no say or control over budget, staffing or tooling. I was also asked if there were other women who might consider it. I said no, and gave those reasons. It is not sufficient to have a high-sounding title. There needs to be significant support behind it.

Many of these ‘thousand cuts’ are small and almost invisible. That is the problem. When women raise issues with their leaders, how are they treated? Most often, they are brushed aside with comments such as “you are too sensitive/emotional” or “it’s not really that big a deal.” So, they start suffering in silence.

I had one such position where my manager would brush off my concerns. So I suffered in silence as the microaggressions grew. I did the bare minimum required of me, all the while looking for another position. When I left, I had an exit interview with HR. The HR rep listened to me and then asked why I did not share my issues with my manager. I told the HR rep I had done so and provided details of the responses from that manager. I also pointed out that other women had left the group following similar experiences. Eventually, that manager was removed but the damage had already been done.

So, what are the options? Many women find solace in external networks. These can be places to vent the pain and the anger. But this does not solve the organisation’s problem.

Diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) goals are often undermined by what is referred to as the ‘leaky bucket’ of retention: an organisation works hard to attract and hire women and minorities but fails to keep them. Hiring a diverse workforce does not necessarily create an inclusive workplace.

Most organisations are built from the top down. However, creating an inclusive workplace requires a rethinking of the organisation from the inside out. There are retention techniques (see table 1). Implementing them will take work and time. With resources stretched, companies are cutting back their efforts in this area

However, lessening these efforts, even during trying times, is not the best approach. Here are five reasons not to cut DEI efforts, even in a recession:

1. DEI can strengthen a company’s ability to weather a declining economy.

2. DEI is integral to core values and brands.

3. DEI initiatives are built over time.

4. Other cost-cutting options are more effective.

5. Even in a recession, investing in people and workplace culture is essential.

Finally, I would like to say the responsibility for creating an inclusive workplace should not be put solely on the shoulders of women and minorities. Yes, we should be asked about how our workplace can be made better. Yes, we can be involved in these efforts. When we are, we should also be acknowledged for it. This is not something we should be expected to do “in our spare time.” www.linkedin.com/in/saihonig

So, when you ask a woman or a member of a minority to consider a high-level role, ask whether the organisation will be able to appropriately support that person. Because at the end of the day you do not want that person to walk away and warn others against applying for a role at your company.

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VANNESSA MCCAMLEY