When Life Feels Unfair

Teaching Kids To Never Be Afraid To Love Fully

BY KATHRYN STREETER

Today, a bird slowly died in front of my children. The impact against our sliding glass doors was deafening. The kids and I quickly abandoned our current activities in our rush to discover that a bright crimson cardinal had struck the glass. It now lay helpless in the grass. It’s not easy to find the right words or actions in these instances. Here are five tips on handling sensitive situations.

1. Be honest and don’t construct a cover-up. What’s been seen can’t be unseen. I watched, helpless to intervene or make my kids unsee this tragedy. The suffering we were witnessing elicited, “Mom, let’s help it!” “Should we bring it inside and nurse it?” “What do we do?” “Poor bird.” Our 12-year-old’s large eyes were brimming with tears. Her younger brother couldn’t look away. I wanted as badly as my kids to watch this bird miraculously fly away. But, the cardinal grew still and we, silent, mourning the loss of an innocent bird.

2. Show sensitivity and respect for their particular attachments. Unlike adults, children fall in love fearlessly, without baggage. Maybe it’s toys, as much or more than the people surrounding them, they cherish. In the case of my children, it was their stuffed animals — each complete with name and personality. As enjoyable as it was for me to witness the creative powers at work in my children’s play, I knew that the depth of attachment would create a storm of trouble if any of these animal kingdom favorites were lost. After all, these were real as flesh and blood friends in my children’s world. On many occasions, we did come close to losing a stuffed friend. At the grocery store, in the airplane, on the sidewalk or silently falling out of the stroller. In every instance, the look of shock and pain in the affected child’s eyes was a small step into the brutal world, where fierce affection is often accompanied by sorrow, a pain equal to love.

3. Validate their emotions. It’s not fair! My children had never before seen the bird that died in front of them. Yet, its death prompted a flood of tender-heartedness and compassion. I heartily agreed with them, that what happened wasn’t fair. But life isn’t either, something more appropriate to discuss later after emotions had settled down. My present task was to help them process and understand how to grieve, recover and bravely move on. I wanted them to be unafraid to continue loving, to grow attached again and to open up to profound feelings and potentially, hurt.

4. Provide closure appropriate to meet the situation. Together, we slowly opened the glass patio door and squatted down around the bird. With the utmost care, we gingerly scooped it into a shoebox. We headed to nearby woods with the box. I was last in the procession, with my husband in the lead, carrying the coffin. We took turns shoveling the earth to create a tiny resting place. Our daughter gently turned the box on its side. The quiet bird rolled snug in the tight, humble grave. We said, “Goodbye, bird. It’s not your fault. You didn’t deserve to die.” includes paying close attention to body language and facial expressions, so you can better understand the other person. It also requires refraining from interrupting. Parents’ modeling of active listening with their kids is particularly crucial to kids’ development of this skill.

5. Project a posture of steady hope. “It’s good we could give the poor bird a proper burial,” our daughter whispered. It was good. Though it required great effort, it was the right thing to do. I was grateful she recognized this. At 12, she embraces life with open arms but along the way, she will feel life’s unfairness cut deeply when bad things happen to the undeserving, as she witnessed in this bird’s death.

Give back. Talk with your kids about the experiences, feelings and needs of those who are less fortunate. Consider various forms of adversity, such as kids with terminal illnesses, the homeless, poor families and those in nursing homes. Ask your kids open-ended questions. Have them consider how it feels to be in those other people’s shoes. Then make a plan with your kids to help out in some way.

Commonalities. Despite the ability to empathize, studies have found people are often less empathetic toward those of other races or who are stereotyped in some way. Consider the things you have in common with those who are different and talk about these commonalities with your child. Also, ask your kids what they might have in common with someone of another ethnicity or race.

Lose yourself in fiction. It’s a great way to experience and understand another, even though the characters are fictitious. This will improve your ability to empathize in real-life situations. It’s a great way to teach kids empathy, too. Children’s books commonly have characters faced with adversity or dealing with challenging situations.

Practice reading faces. People often don’t share what they’re feeling or experiencing. Yet, it’s often written all over their faces. Pay attention to people’s expressions and try to understand what they’re feeling.

Look for opportunities to care. Every day there are people all around us in need. So, set an example for your kids. If an elderly person is struggling to load heavy groceries into their car, quickly put yourself in their shoes. Then, offer to help. Also, have your kids practice looking for ways to care (while also adhering to safety rules with strangers).

Share in excitement and joy. Empathy isn’t only about understanding people’s downs. It’s also the ability to share in their happiness. Regardless of how busy you are, when your child is excited about something, take a moment to share in your child’s enthusiasm. Likewise, share your experience with your child when something brings you great joy.