|well + wise
Radical acceptance LEARNING TO RECOGNIZE WHAT WE CAN AND CANNOT CONTROL by Juliet Lam Kuehnle
Kuehnle spoke with Sam Diminich, personal chef (including that of Carolina Panthers running back Christian McCaffrey) and owner of Your Farms Your Table gourmet meal delivery service. Below are excerpts from their interview, lightly edited. Talk to us a little bit about your mental health journey. I was taught to numb. I had so many things going on as a young person, with no skill set and no one to go to to say, “I’m
PHOTOGRAPH BY MICHAEL HRIZUK
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t is what it is. I have always hated that phrase because it often feels dismissive and passive. What I do appreciate, though, is the sentiment. In psychology, we refer to this attitude as radical acceptance. This is an active skill and a practice of receiving reality without fighting it. This mindset of acceptance is seeing the present moment for what it is, from an objective lens. It requires us to remove emotionality and stop yearning for something to be different. We don’t have to approve of or want an experience; we can learn what is in our control so we can relinquish that which is not. Take the pandemic, for example. We could remain stuck in a mental space of anger that we’re still navigating mask discussions, quarantining and significant illness. This can cause us to ruminate on negativity and can drive apathy or irritability. Alternatively, we can acknowledge the frustration of this reality and our desire for things to be different and home in on what we can control. This might include taking our own precautionary measures, practicing self-care or finding ways to connect with people. Coupling this with a “letting go” of the greater angst can help us feel more hopeful and present. There’s a lot of freedom in surrendering in this way. It can take the pressure and judgement off our own actions. It doesn’t mean we give up, but quite the opposite. Myque Harris, an integrative psychotherapist at Myqueology, shares how this philosophy encourages mindful living. “Paying attention, without judgment, to what we genuinely feel moment to moment and having acceptance of those feelings without pushing them away, especially if they are negative, can be challenging,” she says. “Yet, research shows that mindfulness positively enhances our quality of life. Radical acceptance gives us the opportunity to truly tap into our feelings so that we can embrace both positive and negative aspects of an experience enough to make intentional decisions for our lives in the present moment.” Harris cites Thich Nhat Hanh, a global spiritual teacher and author, who discusses how radical acceptance eliminates duality — the tendency to view things as good or bad, positive or negative, this or that. “We must embrace both as we cannot have one without the other. Sometimes we must experience pain and suffering to know happiness and joy.”
