4 minute read
Fading the Colors of My Culture
Fading The
Colors of My Culture A conversation about growing up Asian in white communities
“I bleached my own heritage, called my own country stupid, dubbed my own language ugly and spoke to my parents in just English.” These are the words from the poem, “Honey Nut Cheerios,” written by Arpi Park. His words perfectly describe the emotional and psychological struggle of growing up Asian in a predominantly white community.
Park identifies as Korean American, but the feeling of disconnecting oneself from their culture is relatable to multiple ethnicities within the APIA community. Many people, specifically on the East Coast of the United States, who identify as Asian American find themselves living in white suburban neighborhoods. According to the article “Are Asian Americans Becoming White?” by University of California, Los Angeles researcher Min Zhou, this is due to multiple factors such as timing of immigration, affluence and settlement patterns.
The result of living in a white community while being Asian is feeling like one is looked at as “other.” Asians have distinct physical, social and cultural characteristics that do not adhere to Eurocentric norms and they will often be scrutinized for not living up to them.
“I straightened my hair every day for three years because all the white girls had straight hair,” said Haaniya Ahmed, a Pakistani American who grew up in the suburbs of Orlando, FL. “I wouldn’t wear bright colors because I thought it would make my skin tone look darker.”
“The more whitewashed I became, the more compliments I would get,” said Ahmed. “And that only made me want to be white even more.” spring 2020| 27
F IS H S A U C E
A 2011 study published in the official journal of the International Society for Self and Identity found that Asian American children scored lower in self-esteem than white children. This low self-esteem comes from years of bullying that most Asian Americans experience during childhood. The bullying can range anywhere from making an ignorant comment about food an Asian child may bring for lunch to using racial slurs against them. Whether the bullying is mild or severe, there is always a racist undertone and this only encourages Asian kids to disconnect themselves from their culture.
“I was really self-conscious about my nose and being hairy,” Ahmed said. “The only reason I started shaving was because the kids were so mean about hair. Growing up, I was hyper aware of my differences compared to all the white kids.”
Cindy Nguyen, a Vietnamese American who grew up in Winter Haven, FL, said people would ask her if her eyes were even open when she smiled. She’s also heard people refer to themselves as looking “chinky” because their eyes were squinting in a picture.
“People would ask me if I ate dogs or cats,” Nguyen said. “I remember this one time in high school [when] I took my friends to an Asian supermarket to get groceries for my mom. When we 28 | spring 2020
walked into the supermarket, my white friends scrunched up their noses at the smell and would call certain foods weird as I picked up the groceries. I was always aware that I wasn’t white like my friends growing up, but it was jarring to still be reminded of these differences in such a negative way.”
Racism and discrimination can present themselves in subtle ways called microaggressions. Derald Wing Sue, psychology professor at Columbia University, defines microaggressions as brief, everyday exchanges that send denigrating messages to people of color because they belong to a racial minority group in the Psychology Today article “Racial Microaggressions in Everyday Life.”
“Kids would say things like ‘Oh, you worship cows, right?’ because they knew my family was Hindu,” Pranjal Tyagi, an Indian American who grew up in Tampa, FL, said. “Sometimes, they would even go as far as using racist slurs at me. After 9/11, teachers would have this weird demeanor towards me and I was too young to understand why.” Microaggressions often get overlooked because they are not as overt and direct as using slurs or behaving in a racist way; however, research done by PhD researchers at Cambridge University Chakraborty McKenzie show that microaggressions can have lasting negative consequences on the mental health of those who experience them.
Being Asian in a white community puts one at risk of experiencing microaggressions and having issues with self-esteem during childhood. Research shows that these experiences follow the individual from adolescence to adulthood and manifest itself through anxiety, depression, stress, anger and other mental health issues.
Talking about one’s experiences in therapy or with close friends can often provide clarity and closure from childhood trauma. Understanding that one’s self-image is influenced by their environment can help individuals to unlearn the negative ideas they’ve placed upon themselves and work towards developing a healthy, more positive self-image.
