SINGLE MAMAS SEEN

The Equation: Self-Care = Self Love

BY CHRISTINA MCGAIRK

February is the season of L-O-V-E. Happy couples walking hand in hand, heart-shaped valentines being sent, the imaginary Cupid flying around looking for its next victim. But what about the single mamas and papas in the background?

Valentine’s Day can be hard for single parents. It can add extra salt to the wound of a separation, divorce, or breakup. Plus a sucker-punch to the gut of our self-esteem. Then there are single parents, like me, who really couldn’t care less.

Honestly, Valentine’s Day doesn’t bother me. The person I love the most lives with me, my daughter, TiTi. She’s 100% a sensory seeker and gives me hugs and snuggles several times a day. But, as much as I love her, being single and raising a child with exceptional needs can be physically, emotionally, and mentally draining.

Recently, I found myself in that position. What could go wrong that week did happen and then some. That plus a lack of sleep made me a total zombie and just plain tired all around. My daughter, who is very intuitive, could feel that negative energy radiating from me, which caused her to have behaviors. That’s when I realized something had to change. I know I’m her #1 role model and she looks up to me. As her role model, I knew I needed to demonstrate the importance of self-care, which equals self-love. What she was seeing was Mommy being stressed out, overly tired, and an absolute cranky mess!

Self-care is something I’ve always struggled with, which is part of the reason why that’s my focal point in the next few columns. Mainly because I know I’m not alone. Single and married mothers alike are so used to sacrificing our own needs for our children, that we often forget about ourselves. So I will take you along my selfcare/self-love journey. Gleen from it what you may.

RECHARGING MY EMOTIONAL BATTERIES:

This is something I haven’t done very often, but I think I’m getting better at it. As I’ve mentioned before, I have my tribe, my village of family, friends, and community. I check up on them, and make sure they are okay, but don’t reach out when I’m overwhelmed. You know that ‘It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine’ meme where the electrically frazzled black cat has big red eyes and clearly isn’t fine? Yeah, that would be me. Yet, hiding my emotions because I don’t want to be a burden isn’t healthy. So now I try to make a conscious effort to reach out to them when I feel like my world is falling apart. Even if it’s just a text, phone call, or going out to eat.

GETTING BETTER QUALITY SLEEP:

Lately, I’ve been more attuned with my body. I notice when small events seem magnified by 1000 or things that usually don’t bother me grate my nerves, it’s because I’m just extremely exhausted. Don’t get me wrong, I sleep 6-7 hours, but it’s not restful sleep. I’m either tossing or turning all night or thinking about what needs to get done. So lately I’ve been trying a deep breathing technique where I inhale for a few seconds and exhale in a rhythmic pattern. This method gets me to sleep and stay asleep the majority of the time. I’ve found brown noise to be very relaxing as well.

SPEAKING WORDS OF LOVE:

I like to speak positive affirmations to my daughter. One day I even got creative by posting sticky notes around the house saying “You are loved” “You are amazing” and “You are smart”. The smile on her face when she found those sticky notes was priceless. You can tell she felt those words.

Me, on the other hand, I’m thinking negatively about myself and my parenting skills because my child had a meltdown in the middle of a store. The words “You’re a terrible mother” etched in my brain. But I had to make a conscious effort to change my mindset to a positive one. Quite honestly, it made me reassess the situation. For instance, I realized my daughter’s meltdown didn’t reflect what kind of mother I was, but that my daughter was having difficulty processing the environment around her (sight, hearing, and smell). Speaking words of life to myself is what I purposely do daily now to keep my thoughts in check.

SETTING ATTAINABLE GOALS:

One of my biggest problems is aiming too high. I always have these grandiose thoughts about how I will achieve a goal. For instance, I want to workout 5 days a week with 3 days of strength training in between. I start out hard and fierce the first day, only to feel very sore and defeated the next. Another example is trying to eat healthy again. I’ll go to the store and buy all the healthy food, only to get upset that my bag of salad is wilting away in the fridge because I ate junk food the entire week instead. Trust me, it happens. Now, instead, I listen to my body and look at my schedule. If I know I’m not feeling the greatest, it’s going to be a low cardio day. If I don’t have too much of a workload, it’s going to be a longer workout. The important thing is to set goals that don’t make me feel defeated and want to give up when I don’t reach them.

I know self-love seems so foreign to us, especially single parents raising exceptional needs kids, but it’s very vital if we want to be the very best for our children. ***How do you practice self-care in your daily routine? Please share at christina.mcgairk@gmail.com***