4 minute read
Single Mamas Seen
Self Care: Setting Boundaries
BY CHRISTINA MCGAIRK
Photo by Terricks Noah
THIS SELF-CARE TOPIC is a tough and sticky one, but I believe both married and single moms of special needs children need to read this. Setting boundaries seems so foreign to us in so many avenues. Us women are supposed to be nurturers, make sure everyone is happy, not let anyone down, act like everything is fine, etc. But if we don’t set boundaries we become too tired to take care of ourselves let alone anyone else. We become unhappy, disappointed in ourselves, and mentally and emotionally drained. That’s why it’s very vital to set well-established boundaries with family, friends, and as hard as it is, even our special needs children.
Setting Boundaries with My Child:
When one of TiTi’s therapists brought this up, my first thought was “I can’t do that, she’s my child, she needs me!” But when she mentioned that if I’m tired and stressed out I’m no good to my daughter, that’s when the concept really began to sink in. Setting boundaries with our special needs children may look different for each person, but in my case it was doing things for my daughter that I knew she could do for herself. For example, getting packed up for school. I used to put her folder, iPad, and book in her backpack and place the straps on her shoulders. That was until one morning I went to the kitchen to get something and she was already packed and ready to go by the time I turned around. She could do it herself this whole time. So now I let her know Mommy isn’t going to do it for her anymore. At first l felt like I was being a ‘Mean Mommy’, but then I thought about how TiTi would gain independence in doing so.
Setting Boundaries with Family and Friends:
Although the other person thinks they are helping, offering unsolicited advice on how to raise my special needs daughter if they haven’t lived that experience, IS NOT helpful. For instance, one time when TiTi was having a behavior, a family member said she wouldn’t act that way if I disciplined her. What they didn’t realize is that you don’t discipline a meltdown, you help them through it. Another time I explained to a friend what I was experiencing with TiTi and she mentioned how she understood because her boyfriend’s neighbor has an autistic cousin. I know they were trying to be empathic, but it’s not what I needed. I just needed someone to talk to or listen to me. Plus, unless you raise a special needs child yourself, you have no idea.
Now, if the friend or family member has a background in special education or has worked with special tolerant, but even then, every special needs child is an individual. No two are the same. I say all this to say I had to educate those friends and family members and let them know that kind of advice or comment is more hurtful than helpful.
Setting Boundaries Isn’t Selfish:
Some people may think the person setting boundaries is being selfish and may even become mad at your decision. Yet, setting boundaries is just another form of loving yourself. Boundaries protect you from being pulled every which way, set healthier relationships with your loved ones, and are needed to prevent yourself from total burnout and exhaustion. Setting boundries is a gift to yourself, embrace it.
