SINGLE ISOLATION

BY ANGIE ARLINGTON- COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT COORDINATOR, WRITER AND CONTRIBUTOR

Ten years ago, I wrote this on my Facebook page: “I have realized that not only is my son isolated in many ways, but so am I. We don’t get invited to parties and spend most of our time at home. We both only have a few close friends. It’s starting to affect him now that he’s a teenager and everyone goes to Halloween parties and stuff and no one invites him. I realize that for being such a people person who used to be so ‘out and about’, I’m not anymore and it’s depressing. Hard to navigate dating if I never go anywhere, but having nowhere to go, what am I to do? No weddings, no baby showers, no birthday parties, no holiday parties, nothing. We’re in a major rut right now and I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s making us both feel lonelier than usual.”

Other parents expressed that they felt isolated at times, too. But most couldn’t imagine their child never having a friend to play with or having no one show up for his birthday party. They didn’t know how it feels to have a child never speak the words “mommy” or “I love you” out loud. They had never had to deal with churches asking them to leave in the middle of a sermon. They couldn’t imagine how it feels when a child cannot go somewhere because a place is not wheelchair accessible. Being alone and feeling lonely is not the same thing.

THEN:

The first few years after my son was born were hard. Between hospital stays and seeing specialists, I spent hours and hours alone with my thoughts. It was a blur of ‘hurry up and wait’ at appointments for both of us. Filling in pages and pages of paperwork, only to be asked those questions again by the nurse. Some doctors would have us sitting for almost 2 hours past our appointment time and never even apologized. Driving for an hour, waiting for 2 hours, seeing the doctor for 15 minutes and then driving home in rush hour for over another hour is how we spent many days. It was exhausting for both of us. It was hard to deal with doctors who dismissed me and those who did not look at the big picture. As an over-thinker, I researched everything by reading books from the library and spending hours online. In the early 2000s, there were no online support groups, no Facebook groups to join and ask questions, and resources were hard to find by Googling.

When my son was in school, it was difficult for me to work full time. I did not want to make my parents take him to appointments or pick him up when he was sick. I worked as a First Steps’ Developmental Therapist for many years. When my cell phone would ring and I recognized the school nurse’s number, I wished that I did not have to answer. I could be an hour away and I felt so guilty that I could not pick him up right away. I wished someone could pick up the slack, as I couldn’t be in two places at once.

SPECIFIC MEMORIES:

• Taking notes and being present during outpatient PT and OT sessions to understand more as opposed to sitting in the waiting room to have an hour for myself

• Not letting anyone watch him until he was older; I only trusted him with my parents

• Having to deal with my son’s father telling me that I “wanted” something to be wrong with my son

• Teachers assuming they knew my son better than me

• Listening to people without children telling me how “fix” my son

• Taking care of my son when I had migraines or when we both were sick

• Dragging my son with me to my own appointments

• Dealing with doctors who needed me to tell them what other specialists were doing

• Making phone calls and waiting for return calls

• Emailing school staff and not getting responses

• Trying to attend parent-only events at school, with my son left sitting in the hallway playing alone

• Attempting to do everything on my own and always feeling behind

NOW:

I am thankful for people who have stood by me. I have a great tribe- friends I have met along the way from support groups and my various jobs over the years. I understand when friends are running late or have to reschedule plans. There are days when I feel great and socialize with everyone I meet. It’s when I come home to an empty and silent house that I feel lonely. It is when holidays come up and everyone is busy and I’m not. Loneliness sneaks in when people tell me to bring a plus one to events and I end up sitting at a table with other couples.

When you are a single parent- it feels as if there is no “off” button. I still look up medical articles and try to find different things for my son to try to help with his pain. I am the one he shares everything with and I help him advocate for himself. I am still super focused on him, even though he lives on his own right now.

I feel blessed that as younger parents reach out to me, I can help them navigate issues regarding school, therapies, puberty, dating, applying for help from Medicaid and social security, and just being there for them when they feel lonely. Everyone has felt lonely surrounded by people at some point in their life. There are increasingly more single parents raising children with special needs. I think the biggest way to help a single parent is to listen and allow their voice to be heard.