5 minute read
Single Mamas Seen
Knowing What You Need
BY CHRISTINA MCGAIRK
BEING A MOM is hard enough, but being a single mom of a child with special needs adds another layer of challenges and responsibilities. I know there are times I feel very overwhelmed by the demands of caregiving, advocacy, and education for my daughter, while also trying to balance my own needs. But more often than not, when I even think about self-care, I feel guilt and anxiety. How dare I put myself before others, especially my autistic child who needs me the most?
Although I know my feelings are normal and valid, I also realize that my mental and physical health can take a toll if I don’t take care of myself. Often when we think about self-care, we see it as a luxury. For instance, getting our nails done, going to the salon, or enjoying the little free time that we have. But that is where our mindset needs to change: seeing self-care as a NECESSITY, not a luxury. It took me a while to see that self-care is not SELFish; instead, it’s a way of honoring myself and my role as a mom. It’s a way of recharging my batteries to regain resilience and joy. It’s a way of showing myself and my daughter that I matter.
So what does self-care look like for single special needs moms? How can it be practiced with our busy and stressful lives? Do we even know what we need and ask for it? Here is what I’m finding along my self-care journey.
IDENTIFY YOUR NEEDS:
The first step to self-care is recognizing what I need to feel whole and happy. It may shift daily or even hourly depending on my mood, what kind of day my daughter is having, and what is currently going on in my life. For instance, some days (mostly Wednesdays) I need more rest because it’s usually our busy day. Other days, I need more mental stimulation, connection with friends, or just to have fun. There are also days where I need more support or empathy. I have an awesome village that can sense when I’m struggling. But then there are also days I feel like I need more autonomy, creativity, or challenge.
The way I’m able to identify my needs is by being attuned to my body, emotions, and thoughts. If I feel like I’ve been holding my breath forever, that means I need to BREATHE, slow down, and center myself. If I catch myself clenching my jaws or I feel my shoulders or back muscles tense up, that means I’m stressed.
When that happens, I ask myself what I can do to stop myself from running around at a frantic pace. Also, what is stressing me out?
PRIORITIZE YOUR NEEDS:
Once I have my needs figured out, I try my best to prioritize them. I decide which needs are more important and which ones can wait for a little bit. When it comes to prioritizing in a workplace setting, I’m completely fine. But at home, it gets complicated because I have competing needs or my needs may conflict with my daughter’s needs. Then the feelings of guilt and selfishness return, followed by frustration for putting myself last. So I try to narrow things down to short-term and longterm consequences. For instance, I’ll ask myself: How will it affect me and my daughter? How will it affect my health, happiness, and well-being? That’s when I start breaking things down to where I make a list of what is urgent vs. what’s important.
MEET YOUR NEEDS:
This is the hard part for me--the follow-through. Although I’m getting better at asking for help, I could probably do it a little more often. I know within my village I have people who would help me in a heartbeat, but I don’t want to be a burden. Even though I know that’s not the case, the feeling still lingers. Also, I can’t do self-care on a whim. Trust me, I tried…it doesn’t work, at least not for me. I have to plan ahead (I’m a planner anyway), set boundaries, and communicate clearly. I must ask myself the 3 W and H questions: What can I do to meet this need? When do I have the free time to do it? Where can I do it? How can I do it? I either write this down in my notebook or put it on my phone calendar with notifications, which is usually more helpful. What I’ve learned about this self-care journey is that it’s not a onetime thing, but a continuous process of identifying, prioritizing, and meeting my needs. It’s a beneficial act, not selfish. It’s not a luxury, but a RIGHT. Practicing self-care is about taking care of myself so I can take care of my awesome autistic daughter. I’m also showing her that I value myself and my role as her Mommy. She looks up to me so I have to model what it’s like to live a healthy, happy, and fulfilling life. By doing this, I’m giving my daughter the best gift I possibly can; a mom who loves herself and her.
