The Rectum
VOLUME 122 ISSUE 46
Monday, april 1, 2019
ndsuspectrum.com
Yeehaw UNIVERSITY | FOR THE LAmbs AND ITS sheeple
NDSU, who?
President Dean Bresciani moves to change university title to Yeehaw University Staff Writer
In a recent meeting between North Dakota State President Dean Bresciani, the NDUS school board and North Dakota state officials, the decision was made to change the university’s name to Yeehaw University in place of North Dakota State University. The vote for the change was unanimous and highly favored by Bresciani and Sen. Kevin Cramer. “Changing to Yeehaw University brings us back to our Western roots,” Bresciani commented. “And now I can finally bust out my boots, vest and Stetson hat.” The marketing team at NDSU will be busy over the summer months preparing
to douse the incoming freshman class with Yeehaw University apparel in order to acclimate incoming and current students to the new name. As for what will happen to the beloved Bison Nation, it will see little change. The mascot of the university won’t change because Bison were a major feature in North Dakota’s rural history, so Bison pride will not fall by the wayside. As for the “yeehaw,” it is said to bring a new sense of pride to the university, according to Bresciani. “Yeehaw” is a saying unique to cowboys rather than opting for a generic name such as North Dakota Cowboy University, which was one of the names considered.
Another reason for the change was to gather donations from those in the upper echelon, such as the Dallas Cowboys, though this
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has been some backlash from students on campus and long-term residents of the state. “I have lived in North
“Changing to Yeehaw University brings us back to our Western roots. And now I can finally bust out my boots, vest and Stetson hat.”
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Brittany Hofmann
- PRESIDENT DEAN BRESCIANI
was not outwardly stated. During the meeting, Cramer remarked, “I think this is a big change for the university, as well as the state of North Dakota. I expect only positive results from this change.” Despite this claim, there
Dakota my whole life,” super senior Billy Kidd commented. “The name change is a disgrace to the university and cowboys alike. Once a Bison, always a Bison ... of North Dakota State University.” Some students even went
as far as to withdraw their acceptance to the university. Incoming freshman Bill Buffalo stated, “North Dakota State University was my first-choice college, but once the news broke about the change to Yeehaw University, I withdrew and opted for South Dakota State University instead.” Though there have been some negative reviews among campus, several students have been accepting of the change. “My family roots are with cowboys,” Hatfield McCoy commented. “Going to a school that embraces the cowboy culture makes me proud of where I come from.” The name change is set to take place in the following academic year or 2019-2020.
The Rectum: The Spectrum’s annual April Fools’ Day satirical supplement Once a year, The Spectrum produces a satirical April Fools’ edition. The content of these pages is completely made up by Spectrum staff and is intended to make you laugh. GRAPHIC BY CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
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The Spectrum NEWS
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM monday, april 1, 2019
Tea-bagging Fargo As flood waters take Fargo by storm, other flood gates are still struggling to open Phoebe Ellis
Head News Editor
As the sperm count of Fargo men continue to plummet, Fargo mayor John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt asks for volunteers to teabag men in an effort to raise sperm counts and increase Fargo’s Midwestern population and reputation. “There is evidence that participating in tea-bagging can increase sperm count and the power of each sperm to swim to the egg faster,” the mayor said in a press conference. In essence, the mayor was browsing the local meninism sites and meninism Reddit threads and found one blogger who claimed that he successfully impregnated his girlfriend after she agreed to tea-bag every day for several weeks. The user, BigDaddy6969, wrote: “After years of trying to get pregnant, and years of her refusing to put my balls in her mouth, I finally told her it was our last option when it came to natural conception. After about 12 weeks of tea-bagging, we’ve successfully conceived.” After trying it himself, Mayor Schmidt is happy to announce that him and his wife, age 46, have also successfully conceived. “And it feels great,” the mayor said.
Despite the mayor and his wife already having three fully-grown children already, they seem to be excited to take on the challenge of a newborn, stating: “We’ve already called our old nanny. Unfortunately, she passed a few years ago, but her younger sister is only in her late 70s and seems ready for the job.” Other couples have reported success in conceiving after the teabagging method. However, there’s only one problem — all these women hate doing it. One woman reported excess “ball sweat,” while another cited the “refusal to shower” as reasons for avoiding putting their significant other’s balls in their mouth. Other reasons significant others gave for not teabagging their partner was “excessively saggy balls” and “very hairy balls.” This, combined with the “dwindling Fargo population,” as identified by the mayor, has led to the mayor looking for volunteers to tea-bag men in an effort to increase sperm count in an effort to increase the Fargo population. “The impending flood gives us an incredible opportunity to bring teabaggers and tea-baggees
together in one centralized location. If you plan on sandbagging, I would highly recommend you also volunteer to tea-bag,” the mayor said. He also said there would be specialized rooms for the tea-bagging process. Though there is no scientific backing for this process as a means of heightening rates of conception, men still seem excited about it. One Sanford doctor, Dr. Knackers, said, “There is no correlation between sperm count or strength and putting them in your mouth or anybody else’s.” The mayor has made his own decision stating, “Anything that feels this good and can get my 46-year-old wife pregnant has to work, otherwise we’ve been having protected sex for the past six years for fear of nothing.” Mayor Schmidt later confirmed that he and his wife stopped using all modes of contraception when they began testing the tea-bagging hypothesis. “We thought it would impede our results,” Mrs. Schmidt said. All parties interested in volunteering to tea-bag can call 1-800-1-832224, 1-800-1(TEA-BAG) for more information or to sign up to volunteer.
CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
Bison stolen from campus The 3-ton statue mysteriously went missing before graduation
Drag marks found near the theft site imply foul play.
Phoebe Ellis
Head News Editor
Early in the morning of Friday, March 29, it was discovered that the Bison statue outside North Dakota State’s main library had been stolen, leaving only the hooves of the Bison in its place. The Bison is suspected to have been dragged across the street to a nearby vehicle, which authorities have assumed is a truck or U-Haul because the Bison is both huge and heavy. Authorities have found
scuff marks on the pavement, indicating a struggle in moving the Bison. The Bison, weighing nearly 6,000 pounds of pure muscle, must have taken at least four people to drag. The Bison was severed just above the hooves, and some sources reported seeing the Bison being cut into several pieces once on the truck. One anonymous student source said that the people pulling the Bison away were wearing Bison Catholic T-shirts. Some sources have
CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
said that Bison Catholic is responsible for the theft, as they have wished that it would cover up its testicles for several weeks. “We had nothing to do with the theft of the Bison statue,” Bison Catholic President said. “I saw them, three people with Bison Catholic T-shirts. They even put a pair of swim shorts on it before they began cutting it apart,” an anonymous student said. Other sources blamed the University of North Dakota, with one student claiming
that UND students waited on campus until campus police went home. “I heard they hid in the vents in the Memorial Union and snuck out when they knew the coast was clear. Then I heard they brought little hand saws and stuff to break the statue off,” said Josh Montego, a sophomore studying psychology. Another student, Victoria Bleecher, a senior in engineering, said she heard the statue fall from her spot at Herd and Horns. “I thought I was just drunk,” Bleecher said.
BUSCH RIVER
Busch Light makes the most of the run off from Fargo Snow Ryan Nix
Co-News Editor
Fargo officials have discovered something potentially devastating in the snow runoff. The EPA is reporting that 55% of the overall runoff from the snow build up is actually Busch Light. The EPA released a statement entitled “Come on, guys,” which lambasted Fargo and NDSU in general. When asked how this would affect wildlife like fish in the Red River, EPA spokesperson Ronald Johnson said the fish will be OK and just a little out of it for a while. “The fish have shown a liking to salty foods, chewing tobacco and talking about how excited for WE Fest they are,” Johnson said. The actual long-term effects to the river could be mitigated by Busch being the closest thing to water besides La Croix, according to Johnson. The source of the contaminants is a mixture of littered beer cans and urine, according to Johnson. “It’s unprecedented how much bad beer these people drink.” The original source was definitely a combination of Chubs Pub off University and the fraternities around campus. “I don’t want to blame anyone, but they definitely had the largest contribution to the problem.” Local “Dart-y Champ” Collin Chris-Patrick told The Spectrum that he doesn’t see what the big deal is. “I haven’t read the report, but, you know, just let us live man,” Chris-Patrick said. Chris-Patrick said he won the title of “Dart-y Champ” after beating the reigning bro last summer. “It was quite an honor. I got my name in the Bismarck Tribune, and it’s been a lifesaver on my resume up here,” Chris-Patrick said. Chris-Patrick said the EPA is just trying to be a “buzz kill” and ruin his eight-game win streak in Dart-y. Chris-Patrick said the new phenomenon has led to many of his friends making what they call “Busch Cones” from the cleaner snow around their house. After hearing of this trend, all the heads of the EPA resigned and took higher paying jobs in the private sector. “It’s just not worth it anymore,” Ronald Johnson said. “When I heard of Busch Cones, I went to a dark place in my psyche that had not surfaced since the divorce.” Andrew Wheeler, Trump’s appointed EPA head, even resigned, giving the public one last comment: “As a former coal lobbyist, being appointed to the EPA was nuts, but I had no idea people could be this disrespectful to their surroundings and still reap the benefits.”
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THE SPECTRUM | News | Monday, april 1, 2019
B r i e f s The only coverage The Rectum needs Area cat goes missing
In tragic news, a local Fargo feline has gone missing. The name of the cat has not been released, but mostly because NDSU Police have declined to investigate because they “don’t do animals.” Local pet detective Spade Bernardino heavily suspects “foul play” was involved. When asked for comment, Bernardino said, “Oh, that cat is dead. Fur sure.” So far there has not been many leads, but a video that one person has described as “viral” shows what looks like the cat in question and an unnamed student journalist threatening to kill the cat if “people don’t look at my butthole” was released last week. Friends and family members are asking for people to give them their thoughts and prayers, as well as cash donations to their GoFundMe page. They said they also have their Venmo open.
The Rectum is hemorrhaging money. So, in order to bring the best, most accurate news coverage to the four students that read our paper, an unnamed person that stalks us on Facebook and Labby’s Bar and Grill, which oddly enough makes up 92% of our readership, we have sold out. Like the alcoholics we are, the natural thing for The Rectum to do was to get a sponsor that will inevitably get disappointed with our progress and leave us. With that said, this section of news is brought to you by WeUndies! Like a generous lover, WeUndies always comes second, at least in Consumer Reports’ annual recommendations for communal underwear subscriptions. In 2018, WeUndies received the much coveted “perfect D rating” from the “Big D” himself, President Donald J.
Introducing the Buhtfore
Weird flex, but OK
AirPods are so 2018. The new hot trend taking social media by storm is the Buhtfore, the ultimate status symbol. If you’re
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a millennial and don’t have a Buhtfore, then you might as well consider your social life dead. Over 69,000 Buhtfores were sold in the first quarter of 2019, a staggering amount considering marketing for the product is entirely word of mouth. Come holiday time, there’s no doubt the No. 1 question parents, local TV anchors and old people alike will be asking themselves will be, “What’s a Buhtfore?”
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Horse Girls and Bronies pay attention. A new study from worldrenowned equine scientist Dr. Boseph J. Horseman has sent ripples throughout equestrian societies. According to the study, Kegel exercises have been “scientifically proven” to increase the performance of both race and show horses. The relaxing and contracting of the Kegel muscles lead to stronger horse groins and thus more powerful strides.
Truly shocking stuff. Almost as shocking as finding out Daniel Radcliffe of “Harry Potter” fame was in a West End revival of the stage play “Equus.” But not everyone is excited about the idea of horse Kegels, as some people moaned and groaned during about the news. “I don’t want to think about my precious pony doing those kinds of things with their, uh, groin muscles,” local horse girl Becca Lynn Johnson said. Not since the initial release of the animated TV show “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” galloped into the hearts of young girls and twenty-something men across the world has there been so much discourse amongst the community. “Neighsayers will refute my findings and try to stirrup controversy, but don’t be foaled,” Dr. Horseman said. “My research was incredibly thorough, and I believe my conclusions will not change; they are stable.”
254 Memorial Union North Dakota State University Fargo, ND 58105 Leif Jonasson Editor in Chief editor@ndsuspectrum.com Phoebe Ellis Head News Editor head.news@ndsuspectrum.com Managing Editor Ryan Nix Co-News Editor co.news@ndsuspectrum.com Miranda Stambler Features Editor features@ndsuspectrum.com Laura Ellen Brandjord A&E Editor ae@ndsuspectrum.com Jacob Elwell Opinion Editor opinion@ndsuspectrum.com Taylor Schloemer Sports Editor sports@ndsuspectrum.com
Zachary Liu Head Copy Editor head.copy@ndsuspectrum.com Victoria Moss Co-Copy Editor co.copy@ndsuspectrum.com Brittany Hofmann Design Editor design@ndsuspectrum.com Photo Editor photo@ndsuspectrum.com Callahan Stewart Web Editor webmaster@ndsuspectrum.com Cassandra Tweed Graphic Designer graphics@ndsuspectrum.com
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4 NDSUSPECTRUM.COM monday, april 1, 2019
Grad Fair cancelled
NDSU Bookstore ordered the wrong commencement gowns Miranda Stambler Features Editor
The NDSU Bookstore announced the biannual Grad Fair, where graduation cap and gowns are available to be purchased and students who do so the day of will be entered to win prizes. The event was scheduled to take place April 3 and 4 from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., but is now cancelled. Unfortunately, the event will have to be postponed due to a mix-up and may be cancelled all together. The graduation cap and gowns were sent to the NDSU Bookstore on March 25, but the employee who orders the clothing mixed up the Pantone numbers. The employee would like to remain anonymous to avoid hateful comments from angry graduating students and family members. Instead of ordering the regular yellow Pantone #123, they switched to #165, and the green Pantone was
ordered as #347 instead of #343. This may not sound like a huge problem, but it turns out these Pantones match NDSU’s rival, the University of North Dakota. In previous years, undergraduate students wore completely black gowns, but this year NDSU President Dean Bresciani announced to employees a new turn for graduation commencement in hopes to surprise graduating seniors. He wanted to boost school spirit by adding NDSU school colors to the gowns. This new revelation has become a hassle now that NDSU graduates may have to sport the hideous green and orange colors while receiving their degrees. Although the coloring is small and in the upper-right corner, it will be noticeable within photos, and any student will find it hard to miss. After realizing the mixup, the employee called the clothing company, but because the order was
finalized and commencement is so close, making completely new gowns will be nearly impossible. Commencement is May 11, the gowns are already in stores and many have already been ordered by students, so NDSU students will be stuck with UND colors at graduation. Graduation is ruined for students now that they will have to represent their rival instead of the university they have attended for years. The NDSU Bookstore is issuing a public apology about the cancellation of the Grad Fair and the unfortunate mishap, so students will not be surprised when they see the ugly uniforms in windows. Many faculty and staff have predicted that after the announcement, students will withdraw from commencement and this will be the lowest attendance for the ceremony in the history of NDSU. CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
Turkeys move into Moorhead Mall Fowl overpopulation gives Moorhead Mall a purpose of sanctuary Audrey Wentz
Contributing Writer
For years, wild turkeys have terrorized the citizens of Moorhead, Minnesota, leaving fear in the hearts of all residents as they wander about the city. Many residents agree that the birds are overpopulated and need a place to go, but many have disagreed on where and how would be best to get them out of the city. These birds have done everything from stopping traffic to scaring local college students. Some residents have taken to feeding the birds, thinking that if they give them what they want, they’ll go away. Others prefer to ignore the turkeys, hoping that if they don’t give them attention, they’ll look for it across the river. The city council has looked at many options to get rid of these terrible birds. After their plans to send them to South Dakota fell through, they had to get creative with their ideas. Some of the brightest ideas included catapulting them into Fargo, waiting until Thanksgiving and/or opening the world’s first Turkfil-A. However, none seemed feasible until a recent proposal that has been put into action. In this latest plan, residents no longer have to fear the turkeys, but instead embrace them in giving them their new home. The idea, proposed by an anonymous citizen, involves taking Moorhead’s most abandoned and least-used building and using it to house
the turkey population. The difficulty with this was picking from the long list of buildings to house over 200 birds. It was decided that Moorhead Center Mall, originally created for the enjoyment and gathering of humans, would be better fit for these animals. With this realization, Moorhead’s first ever turkey sanctuary became a reality. After no renovations or changes were made, the mall was turkey move-in ready. The doors will open for the turkeys late on April 1. In the final days to say goodbye, the mall saw an increase in foot traffic from zero to one. That one person could be overheard yelling at their phone, “Not again Apple Maps! I could’ve sworn I clicked on West Acres!” They asked to remain anonymous for fear of what would happen if their friends knew they were there. Mall employees stopped showing up to their shifts, although it is unknown if that was caused by the new sanctuary or for how long that has been a Moorhead Center Mall issue. The city council hopes for an easy turkey transition and for them to voluntarily make their way into the mall. Otherwise, come April 1, the next challenge will be rounding up the turkeys and getting them to stay in such a They’re just big chickens. place.
CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
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THE SPECTRUM | Features | monday, april 1, 2019
Student Organization Spotlight
Kink Shame Club NDSU students laugh at different kinks together Miranda Stambler Features Editor
“This is not a judgmental group. This is a group that prefers to think that kinks are funny and should be shamed in private,” Chastinen said. “Students should not be having kinky sex. They can have sex (or not), but it can’t be fun.” The organization is all inclusive. Any student is allowed to join as long as they verify that they do not have a kink. To verify, students must sign a waiver, attesting that they have not felt arousal or stimulation from
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“Students should not be having kinky sex. They can have sex (or not), but it can’t be fun.”
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North Dakota State students are in the process of creating Kink Shame Club, where they shame any person for having a sexual kink. The organization’s president, Mary Chastinen, is working toward the club becoming officially approved by the Congress of Student Organizations while also looking for an adviser. Chastinen thought of the idea for the student organization after The Spectrum released their Valentine’s Day special edition, where there were many articles that referenced sexual acts. After getting upset by the content, she posted on social media to find other students that would be interested in shaming students for having kinky sides. The president of the organization believed that very few students would be interested, but was surprised when her Facebook page reached 69 members and has continuously stayed at this number for weeks. While they are still looking for an adviser, members will continue to meet off campus until becoming MyNDSU official. When asked what kind of kinks will be critiqued at the meetings, Chastinen explained how any and all will be made fun of in hopes for a laugh among like-minded students. Her examples included BDSM, abstinence, partaking in intercourse and just about anything that includes any type of stimulation. Many do not think of abstinence as a kink, but Chastinen explained how anything involving the idea of sex is a kink so it should be thoroughly kink shamed. They do not discriminate on kinks because they include those of people who do not have sex and those of people that have sex. Instead, they laugh at all kinds of kinks within the privacy of others.
- MARY CHASTINEN, KINK SHAME CLUB PRESIDENT
anything in the past six months. The first meeting will take place April 22 at a yet to be determined location because they want it to be a private event. For more information, visit kinkshamendsu.com or contact Mary.Chastinen@ndsu.edu. For those of you who are kinky, feel free to become a member of another organization: Pornhub.com.
CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
Budget cuts affect West Dining Center shut down NDSU President Fraudulent tater tot hotdish recipe forces USDA to act
That shit shut down.
Features Editor
Some North Dakota State dining employees may be out of work for weeks since the USDA shut down all services at West Dining Center. Many students were unaware of this closing since it happened the day before spring break began on March 8. The annual food inspector, Katherine Kartel, came at an unannounced time and all the dining centers seemed to be prepared, except one. While students were enjoying their dinners, alarms sounded, and everyone was evacuated. “I had no idea what was going on,” Bethany Marlene, a frazzled freshman said. The famously known Midwestern meal of “tater tot hotdish” was mutilated by employees. After running out of tater tots, the supervisor, Noah Johnson, made the call to secretly use potatoes instead for the rest of the month. “It is a violation of section 359, subsection 12, which states all ingredients
CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
must be disclosed with students and those eating the food. Potatoes are not tater tots. Once the case is finalized, I will have more information on the
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of the items and forgot that the dish is “tater tot hotdish” and not “tater tot casserole.” With this being a continued investigation, many questions have arisen
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Miranda Stambler
President Dean Bresciani working as barista on campus
“Potatoes are potatoes. Tater tots are tater tots.”
- DEAN BRESCIANI, NDSU PRESIDENT
investigation and the West Dining Center shutdown,” Kartel disclosed. To hide this, employees added more cheese and cream of mushroom and burnt the potatoes to make them seem like tater tots. There would be no complaints, but it came as a surprise to students hearing that they were eating potatoes instead of tater tots — because the two are complete opposites. On top of this discovery, Kartel was shocked to see that a non-Midwestern student was in charge of writing the names for each
for the NDSU Dining about how they will handle West being shut down, what will happen with employees and how they feel about the supervisor making such a careless decision. NDSU Dining has no comments at this time and have yet to send out an email to students about this occurrence. West Dining Center will remain closed until further notice. Were you a victim of eating the potatoes? Contact 1-800-NOT-MY-TATERTOTS and voice your concerns.
Bresciani hopes to save up enough to open his own Dean Bean.
Miranda Stambler Features Editor
Every year, every semester, every week, budget cuts are discussed and often result in a department at North Dakota State lacking the money it needs to provide for their students and faculty. NDSU President Dean Bresciani has had enough and has taken preventative steps to keep NDSU intact — by putting his money where his mouth is. According to annual reports, NDSU’s yearly endowment hovers around $200 million. But with President Trump’s recordbreaking shutdown, many universities have seen their budgets cut, and NDSU will be next. In this upcoming year, NDSU will receive only $100 million, which wouldn’t be enough to fund the Bison football team’s trips, games, uniforms, etc. This bleak reality would have happened, but then Bresciani had a preventative idea that would keep the NDSU football team and other academic departments fully funded. Instead of taking money away from the seven-time FCS National Championship winners, Bresciani asked for his own pay to be deducted and use that extra money toward any department in need, but specifically the football team. Now, with a lower salary than professors on campus, the NDSU president has gotten a second job on campus at the Bison Beanery located at the Residence Dining Center. He is currently being trained in and will start as a barista in the upcoming school year. While many students believe he will be earning
CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
more than others, he will be paid the same amount as any other student employee, which is not a livable wage. Although he is qualified for other jobs, he wanted to stay on campus to become closer with the students and interact more. “I wanted to use this budget cut to my benefit, to make myself more known on campus,” Bresciani said. While this will help with the budgeting of NDSU, it will simply not be enough to prevent the loss of money for our beloved football team. There is talk that the president’s house will soon be up for sale. This could lead to a new campus building, residence hall being built or a new fraternity/ sorority house. Many are in shock to see Bresciani working on campus and said they feel awkward as they ask for their coffee order from the president of the university. Students are using “please” and “thank you” to such an extent that Bresciani is considering making an email announcement to upcoming students so they do not feel obligated to treat him any differently. Before that announcement, he said he feels it is necessary to explain his reasoning for working among students: “I am the same as all of you. Yes, I am older. Yes, I am the president. But I am simply working as a barista to help our university and to help you. Do not treat me any differently than you would any other employee. I want this to be a fun interaction and for us to become closer as a community,” Bresciani said.
The Spectrum
FARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
6 NDSUSPECTRUM.COM monday, april 1, 2019
Spring Concert, Two Way Crossing to teach students the dangers of jaywalking Laura Ellen Brandjord A&E Editor
Jenny and Blake Marvin want college students to learn from their mistakes. “Jaywalking changed my life forever,” Blake tearfully explained. “I spent 18 months in therapy, and the college didn’t even pay my tuition.” Blake was a sophomore at the University of Northern Colorado when he was jaywalking across a busy street to get to class. But then the worst thing possible happened. The heel of one of Marvin’s bright red Tony Llama cowboy boots became stuck in a crack in the pavement. “I paid a lot for those boots. I wasn’t going to let one get run over by the oncoming bus.” As Blake struggled and failed to free his prized boot, the bus hit the breaks too late to avert disaster. Marvin broke both legs in three places, and his one foot was crushed by the tire of the bus. Not to mention his ribs were graphically pushed backward and protruded out of his back in multiple places. It was obviously a long road to recovery for Blake and took a toll on his relationship with Jenny, but they made it through. The Marvins added that they spent all of their meager savings on the lawyer to try and fight for payment of Blake’s tuition. In the end, they lost their case and had to foreclose on their Denver, Colorado home. “The University of Northern Colorado said that because it was never explicitly stated in any of their official policies that they would pay the tuition of a student maimed by a motor vehicle on their campus, they weren’t obligated to do so.” Blake’s wife, Jenny, was clearly still upset about the injustice. “Apparently, because it was a ‘myth,’ they didn’t feel like doing the right thing.” The Marvins are not bitter people. They are compassionate people who want others to learn from their harrowing experience. Also, they were completely bankrupt after losing their court case and needed a source of income. Blake and Jenny formed Two Way Crossing and began touring college campuses. They quickly rose to success with their brand of country, blending flavors of Billy Ray Cyrus and the Partridge Family. For Blake, the music comes second, “When a student comes up to me at a show and tearfully tells me that we’ve changed their lives, that is what it is really all about.”
Country musicians mix music and message at college campuses
WIKIMEDIA | PHOTO COURTESY
Singles for singles You’ll be banging more than your head to this playlist Brittany Hofmann Staff Writer
For centuries, artists of all genres have been creating heartfelt love songs as they pine away for their lovers. This playlist is guaranteed to win over the one you’re after, but of course, always with consent.
‘Rhinestone Cowboy’
Like a rhinestone cowboy, your charm is irresistible. Your sweetheart won’t be able to resist you when you roll up in your 2002 Pontiac Firebird, windows down and Glen Campbell crooning away
from your sick after-market sound system that’s double what the car cost you.
‘Cotton-Eyed Joe’
Remix or original, “CottonEyed Joe” is a heartthrob. If you want to charm the pants off someone, for lack of a better term, trade in your cowboy hat for a fedora. Rip a fat vape cloud to roll out into the night in.
‘Old Town Road’
We all know this song that came out of nowhere thanks to Tik Tok, but we should be thankful. “Old Town Road” is the perfect mix of trap and country.
‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ Playing this song will not get you “Rick-Rolled,” but a chance to roll around in the sheets instead.
‘My Heart Will Go On’ A classic love song. Need I say more?
‘Hello’
No, not the Adele song that swept the world in 2015, but the 1983 hit by Lionel Richie that has been played during steamy bedroom sessions ever since. (Sorry mom and dad, this is strictly satirical).
BRITTANY HOFMANN | THE SPECTRUM
THE SPECTRUM | A
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& E | monday, april 1, 2019
Goodbye, gaming An announcement came earlier today that shocked the nation Max Borman Staff Writer
Earlier today, a livestream began with news that would shock the nation. News that was unexpected and no one was ready for. The livestream began at 8 a.m. on almost every livestream platform: Mixer, Twitch, Facebook Live, Instagram, Twitter and YouTube. The CEOs of Microsoft’s Xbox division, PlayStation and Nintendo of America came on stage to deliver the shocking news — the gaming industry was no more. The three titans of the industry came to this realization after seeing the popularity of mobile games and YouTube “vloggers.” The time of the “let’s player” and the non “Candy Crush” clone was over. Effective immediately, Xbox Live, PlayStation Plus and Nintendo Online would begin the process of shutting down. Sure, players can still access some of their games, but the majority of online support began to shut down. The millions of players playing games like “Fallout
76” and “Anthem” would have their servers shut down immediately because the services would no longer be there to support them. After the titans made the announcement, Valve had their own livestream. During the broadcast, they announced that Steam just cannot compete anymore and that it would also be shutting down. This is due to the titans leaving and scaring off the smaller developers. Valve decided to rebrand themselves as a plumbing company and scrap their gaming division all together. Activision Blizzard began their process of closing the servers of many of their beloved games. Millions of players cried out as their favorite “World of Warcraft” roleplay servers shut down. The company will be selling their previously unreleased games and prototypes in loot crates to get them out the door. You could receive gems like “Warcraft 3 Reforged” or “Diablo Immortal.” You may also just end up with a .jpeg of the CEO. It really is
all about luck. Bethesda has also sunk into the shadows, vying to return in a decade to singlehandedly bring back the gaming industry with “The Elder Scrolls V I . ”
because they have been working on many titles for the stealth-action franchise at the same time and would hate for them to go to waste. But despite this, they have already begun
However, we may never see it come to light with no console to release it on. Ubisoft announced that we will at least be releasing “Assassin’s Creed LII” before they close their doors
laying off their staff, so we may not make it to “LII” unless they release them all in one bundle. Take-Two Interactive has already closed down
every single company they own, citing: “It’s about time. ‘GTA Online’ was only going to make money for so long. Now we can all retire to the Bahamas or something.” Mojang has begun turning “Minecraft” into a much more educational tool. A spokesperson for the company said they believe that even though the gaming industry has closed, it does not mean that “Minecraft” must die; it must only adapt. Most of the blocky textures have been removed and replaced with numbers and letters. Amazon instantly cancelled their rumored streaming console citing, “We don’t want to join an already sinking ship.” They have since invested that money into Facebook. Electronic Arts is one of the few holdouts citing, “There will always be a market for our yearly sports games,” as they began shutting down all “Battlefield” servers and cutting off support for “The Sims 4.”
Epic Games is attempting one last push to try and keep the gaming industry alive by making the surprise announcement of “Fortnite 2.” They promised this sequel will bring everything you loved from the first one, but bigger and better and with more battle pass. However, the reception to it has not been great, as it is an Epic Games Store exclusive and will not be launching on the now shutdown Xbox and PlayStation platforms. Sadly, it seems that the days of gaming are coming to a close. The gaming industry had a good run, but just like anything, its time is up. Even Apple Arcade and Walmart’s rumored streaming console cannot save the once beloved gaming industry, This does not mean that gamers cannot play some of their games. But much like when Atari went under, many game stores and companies are burying their assets in the desert. Maybe one day it will be back, but for now, all you will be getting is more and more “Candy Crush” clones.
CASSANDRA TWEED | THE SPECTRUM
The Spectrum OPINION
8 NDSUSPECTRUM.COM monday, april 1, 2019
Football player retires, unretires day later Rob Gronkowski immediately takes back his decision to retire Jacob Elwell Opinion Editor
New England Patriots star tight end Rob Gronkowski is coming out of retirement. He decided he wanted to continue playing football the day after he announced his retirement. I guess he felt you can only party so much that it’s actually kind of nice having something to do. Patriots quarterback Tom Brady can look forward to another “Super Bowl favorite” season with one of the most lethal tight ends in the game. I saw this coming. I mean, how could you not? His retirement came out of nowhere really, which makes me think “Gronk” was just in it for the attention. Clearly, I was right. Think about it. He’s only 29 years old, a social media icon and as long as Tom Brady stays in the league, he has a chance to win more Super Bowls. He really had no reason to announce his retirement. I think this is good for the league. We need at least a couple more years of Gronkowski being one of the best tight ends before the younger talent emerges. This also means I can draft him in the third round of my fantasy football draft. OK, not that high, but he will be on my team one way or another. Patriots head coach Bill Belichick weighed in on the situation. “Well, I knew he wasn’t gone forever,” Belichick said. “I bribed him with kind words and the fact that we are favored to win the Super Bowl yet again. It’s kind of hard to
pass up that kind of stuff.” It’s strange to me that Gronk would even consider retiring. Brady had a few words to say as well. “Whew, that was a close one,” Brady said. “I tell ya man, if we lose Gronk, I have no safety valve. I mean, I’ll still probably find a way to win the Super Bowl anyway, but, man, now I don’t have to work as hard! Which reminds me, gotta hit the
H
e decided he wanted to continue playing football the day after he announced his retirement.
gym!” I knew this was going to happen. Rob Gronkowski will be coming back for his 10th season as a New England Patriot. I would argue he has two more seasons of being a top-five tight end in the league. It should be interesting to see what he does next season.
We’ll be seeing Rob Gronkowski in this uniform yet again next season.
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THE SPECTRUM | Opinion | monday, april 1, 2019
No more stovetops in dining centers
More caffeine options to be added in place Jacob Elwell Opinion Editor
Much like the wellness center, the dining centers are also making some amazing changes. You know the stovetops where you can make your own food? Well, say goodbye to those puppies! That’s right. Starting next fall, the dining centers will be adding mini coffee shops. A survey was conducted about things college students rely on, and coffee topped the list with
nicotine and sleep at a close second and third. These shops will be set up in the West and Union Dining Centers. It will not be in Residence because the Bison Beanery already exists. Instead, there’s just going to be nothing there. You can never have too much coffee, right?! Who needed those pesky stovetops anyway? Let’s be honest: nobody ever used them. They were there solely for show and nothing more.
You can’t tell me you actually made eggs and pancakes for breakfast there, or even got your ham a little crispier for your sandwich. I know that’s not the case. You would much rather prefer whatever the workers are
Wellness Center to add extra weight room Say goodbye to the basketball courts ladies and gents
making. Why wouldn’t you? They always (I mean always; nothing is ever bad at the dining centers) h a v e g o o d options, and you never h a v e to do anything. T h e addition of these coffee shops will benefit students in a
hurry to class, which makes for a decent population of students. There will be cups of coffee already prepared anyway you like it (with cream, sugar, black or whatever). You can just stop in quickly, grab a cup and then continue on your trek to your class you’ve been dying to go to. This will prevent you from being tardy to your class because you won’t have to make the coffee yourself. This will also save the dining centers some money because they won’t have to
pay for the eggs, ham, bacon bits, onions, et cetera to put by the stovetops. Instead, they have to buy the much more reasonable coffee beans, cream, sugar, cups, et cetera. Some would call this an ideal tradeoff. You might be wondering why we care about how much the dining centers make, but once that money is used toward something cool like adding more parking spots, you’ll be grateful. With that, I’ll say so long to the stovetops. I never really used you anyway
Anti-vaxxers have proven science wrong How your aunt’s Facebook friend Susan disproved every expert Delaney Halloran Contributing Writer
Even with every reputable source and scientific expert assuring that vaccines do not cause autism, those brave anti-vaccine warriors persisted and have shown through sheer force of will it is possible to prove otherwise.
Wakefield was technically paid to find a connection by a group of lawyers looking to litigate against vaccine distributors, what some have called a “fatal conflict of interest,” the anti-vax movement has taken this study and run with it. Individuals most readily associated with the movement are Charlie Sheen and Jenny McCarthy,
S
o the next time someone on Facebook or Twitter reminds you that vaccines do cause autism or that you need to, “Do some research,” just agree.
JACOB ELWELL | THE SPECTRUM
Get your last glimpses at this. It won’t be here 5 months from now.
Jacob Elwell Opinion Editor
If you thought the Wellness Center couldn’t get any better, you thought wrong. North Dakota State President Dean Bresciani has decided to completely remove the basketball courts from the Wellness Center. Before you freak out, just wait to hear what’s going to be added. There’s going to be another weight room added, taking up the entire vicinity of where the three courts currently are. This is going to heavily reduce the crowdedness that can take place in the Wellness Center seemingly every day. Now, people don’t have to dive into a zoo of others when trying to get a lift in. This new weight room is going to be bigger than the one on the lower level, with many new weights and workouts to choose from. With this new addition, the Wellness Center will have three different locations in which you can lift. These locations are on the lower level, the small area on the second level next to all the treadmills and now where the courts once were. NDSU, where kids like to get swole, so we need an excess amount of weights to lift. There’s going to be a special material on the new floor made for the largest impact. This means people can drop the heaviest weights at the maximum height. For all you hardcore deadlifters, feel free to let it all out. Finally, a place you can call your second home. You might be thinking: “What about the court inside the boards with a hockey rink shaped floor where kids always play soccer?” That’s essentially just going to stay there, but strictly for soccer. They figured because it’s the only place to play indoor soccer that it would be dedicated for that purpose and that purpose only. So, for all you soccer fans, you’re not out of luck. To add to this, there only “Wonderwall” will be playing the entire time. For the few of you that play basketball at the Wellness Center, you’re not out of luck either. Well, maybe a little bit. You can still play at the Bentson Bunker Fieldhouse, but only when there’s not organized practices or classes taking place. I’m just letting you know, that’s a very small window of opportunity, so you might want to plan accordingly. You’re only screwed until it gets nice out. Then you can play outside on the courts right by North and South Weible. This construction is set to take place in summer 2019, so in about three months. It will take a majority of the summer, but should ultimately be done by late August, right around the time school starts. Sorry to anyone who likes to play basketball during the summer. If you can’t handle this, you might want to look into memberships at the local YMCA. Enjoy these last few months playing free basketball as much as you can because it’s not going to be of easy access after June this year. I must say, we really do need another weight room. There’s not nearly enough weights to supply the amount of people that enter the Wellness Center every day, and this will change that. For basketball players, it sucks, but it’s making necessary sacrifices for the greater good of the community.
Anti-vaccine practitioners have scoured Facebook and Twitter, utilizing these social media platforms by sharing and retweeting — until their measles-laden fingers run red — stories from a friend’s sister’s stepdaughter saying how her daughter was diagnosed with autism the day after being vaccinated. The evidence is compelling. The anti-vax movement gained worldwide attention when Dr. Andrew Wakefield published a study suggesting there was a link between bowel disease, autism and the MMR (measles, mumps and rubella) vaccine. While it’s true Dr.
two actors known for their scientific expertise and knowledge. Sheen and McCarthy, along with all other anti-vaxxers, have insisted it is their choice along with the choice of any parent to choose whether or not to vaccinate their children. Who cares about the babies too young to receive their vaccines or the children receiving chemotherapy treatments unable to be vaccinated? It’s every baby for themself in this movement meant to protect children. The resurgence of nearly eradicated diseases, such as the measles, are of little concern to anti-vax parents. After all, isn’t it better to have your child
TORANGE.BIZ | PHOTO COURTESY
Despite saving nearly 3 million lives every year, vaccines are one of the greatest dangers to society. die of polio than for them to be diagnosed with autism? Autism really is at the heart of this issue. Anti-vaxxers are absolutely right that the rate of autism diagnosis has been steadily increasing since 2000. This couldn’t possibly be because increased awareness of the condition and modern developments in specifying how to diagnose autism. The only possible explanation is that science is wrong, and vaccines cause autism.
So, the next time someone on Facebook or Twitter reminds you that vaccines do cause autism or that you need to, “Do some research,” just agree. Even with no scientific evidence, no experts finding a correlation between autism and vaccines and the possibility of new outbreaks of almost eradicated dangerous diseases, anti-vaxxers have a pretty good feeling that they’re right.
NDSU TO INCREASE PARKING SPACES ON CAMPUS NDSU to hire three new parking ticket officers in stunning move Leif Jonasson Spectrum Staff
North Dakota State has finally listened to the thousands of students who have requested more parking on campus and is responding in a way that will really knock their socks off. In a stunning move, NDSU has decided to tear down Minard Hall and the Library, and in their place, they will build a parking garage that will hold at least 700 additional cars. The decision was unveiled at a State Board of Higher Education meeting by President Dean Bresciani. “I said to myself, ‘You know, screw it, why not?’” President Bresciani noted that his work to preserve the beauty of campus and to promote the three pillars of NDSU has never been stronger. “What we have the ability to do now is fully embrace the automobile and encourage students to walk less and plan less accordingly for being on time to classes.” He also noted that students will now have the ability to park in the heart of campus, a request they have been asking for, for decades. While this move may prove to be controversial, local
students noted it is exactly what they wanted. “I have every right to show up to campus at 7:49 a.m. for parking and get to my 8 a.m. on time,” local junior majoring in Mathematics Education Paige Thornson told us. When notified her college wouldn’t actually exist anymore with the proposal, Thornson told us, “What?” When asked if the university had considered the effect of tearing down a building they had renovated as recently as 2009 and is over 100 years old, President Bresciani said the following: “Minard is not irreplaceable, our students want what they want and we are student focused here. Hell, I was crazy and even suggested tearing down Old Main as well.” The move would mean the loss of some 170,000 square feet of class and office space as well as the loss of many college’s homes. And the demolition of the Library, would also be bad, I guess. When asked about this, President Bresciani told us that all colleges would now have reserved parking spots “even if their college had to be destroyed to allow our students to park in the heart of campus.”
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The Spectrum SPORTS
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM monday, april 1, 2019
NDSU to form first ever rowing team Dads sought to become first coach
The test of the Albrecht Rowing Facility in 2016 was not closed to traffic.
Philip Atneosen Staff Writer
It’s time to strap on your life jackets because NDSU is getting its first ever rowing team. The following announcement was made this weekend by the NDSU Athletic Department’s Twitter account: “After days of contemplation, we have decided to introduce both men’s and women’s rowing programs to our Bison athletic family! #GoBison #RowRowRowTheBoat” The teams will practice on stationary rowing
machines during the winter, but the team has a unique opportunity to get handson practice on campus. Due to the high currents and unpredictability of the Red River, the team can’t practice there. There are a few ponds in Fargo, but they usually remain frozen until mid-season. The most feasible location for the team to practice is in the streets of Fargo, and what street better than our very own Albrecht Boulevard? Albrecht Boulevard floods every spring and is perfectly straight from Morrill Hall to the Fargodome. During flood
years, the road will be virtually clear of all road traffic. Add onto that the fact that it has two divided lanes so that the men’s team and women’s team can practice simultaneously, and you have the perfect state-of-theart practice facility for the NDSU rowing teams. “(Albrecht) drains water like Shaq drains free throws,” said NDSU athletic director Matt Larsen. “We saw that with just a little rain fall in the fall of 2016, which set the building blocks in place. With a training facility like that, other teams won’t stand a chance.” Fargoans have been in
TAYLOR SCHLOEMER | THE SPECTRUM
a constant battle with the flooding for generations. It’s refreshing to finally make some good out of a bad situation. Naturally, the NDSU rowing program only has an advantage over other programs when flooding occurs. Until something is done to permanently reduce flooding in the area, we will be one step ahead of the competition. There is potential for a 50-year collegiate rowing dynasty. It’s unclear at this time who will coach the rowers. When asked about the openings, Larsen stated that the department would be searching for candidates
who “have previously been on a boat, work well with students and look like they know what they’re doing.” Most dads in the FargoMoorhead area will be considered. The athletic department isn’t planning on scouting for talent. Instead, they’re looking to recruit from the athlete pool already on campus. The football, volleyball and basketball players are considered their top prospects. Tall and strong individuals have an advantage in rowing because they’re capable of obtaining more leverage. We asked some athletes
on campus if they would consider joining the team. Emily Halverson, a middle hitter on the volleyball team, responded with, “I don’t think we have a rowing team.” Tyson Ward, a starter on the men’s basketball team, replied, “What? No.” Lastly, Bison linebacker Jabril Cox retorted, “Really? Can’t you just let me go to the bathroom?” Even though the future of recruitment is as murky as a sidewalk puddle, Bison fans have a lot to look forward to. If the competition wants to stand a chance, they’re going to need a bigger boat.
Women’s basketball shocked by the lack of draft picks
The team will actually have to recruit now Ian Longtin Staff Writer
Process, noun: a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end. Seems simple enough. A “process” in sports is easy enough to understand. A struggling team will lose enough to the point where they receive high draft picks to collect enough players to return to relevance. The Philadelphia 76ers are title contenders now after some of the worst years in NBA history. The Sixers were so bad, that they were able to draft Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons in two of three drafts and are threats to make the NBA Finals out of the Eastern Conference. The Cleveland Browns
— yes, the freaking Cleveland Browns — are a popular pick to win the AFC North for the first time in 18 years after drafting Baker Mayfield and Myles Garrett No. 1 overall in the past two NFL drafts. Now, these processes only apply to professional sports. There are no drafts when it comes to college. If a team is bad, they are in danger of living in sports purgatory for years. It was news to the NDSU women’s basketball team when they were told they would not be receiving a high draft pick after a disappointing season. “Frankly, I think it’s complete garbage that our program is supposed to actually recruit,” NDSU athletic director Matt Larsen said. “It was my
understanding that we could pick any high-schooler we wanted. Do you
understand how hard it is to
recruit to a team that hasn’t won 10 games in five years?” Junior
forward Rylee Nudell had similar feelings:
“It’s disappointing to say the least. We go through all this trouble to lose games, and it’s only now we learn that there was no point. We feel cheated. I thought Zion Williamson would have looked great in the Green and Gold.” Larsen stated later, “It really is unfair when you think about it. A team loses; there should be an easy way to turn it around. Right? RIGHT?” When sophomore Emily Dietz was informed that the team would not be receiving a high draft pick after their lackluster year, she actually laughed. She still did not believe it when multiple teammates and members of the media told her it was not a joke. Soon after, Dietz was seen sitting in the corner
of the locker room on her phone. Her face went from joy to utter despair as she learned that it was in fact the truth. In a flurry, Dietz began chucking things from her locker. A water bottle, a roll of tape and even a chair was tossed out of frustration. Tears followed. The few minutes in chaos ended with about 20 minutes of silence by the whole team. The only thing that could be heard was some sobbing amongst the team and the playing of R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” over a speaker. It was a truly sad sight. However, the possibility remains open that those student-athletes caught in the college admission scandal could turn their allegiances to NDSU to make up for the lack of draft capital.
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THE SPECTRUM | Sports | monday, april 1, 2019
OTZELBERGER LEAVES BROOKINGS FOR SIN CITY BENDER After tournament defeat, Otzelberger goes on Vegas bender, never seen again Thomas Evanella Staff Writer
In an unfortunate turn of events for fans of the South Dakota State men’s basketball team, their worst fears have been confirmed. Initial rumors emerged that former head coach T.J. Otzelberger had split town and gone on a bender in Las Vegas, Nevada. Reports from The Collegian, SDSU’s campus newspaper, confirm that Otzelberger’s Sin City move is permanent, and he will not return to Brookings. The episode follows the Jackrabbits’ humbling defeat at the hands of Western Illinois in the Summit League tournament. The heavily favored Jacks were trounced by a team they’d beaten by 20 just one week prior. The loss, factored in with the thought of the pending loss of star Mike Daum, pushed Otzelberger over the edge, according to SDSU athletic director Justin Sell. “The situation is nothing short of unfortunate,” Sell commented. “This is a very challenging time for our program. We wish T.J. the best.” After the loss to the Leathernecks, Otzelberger was furious, and it appeared
that matters had spiraled out of control. Irate that the Jacks had missed on a shot at March Madness, Otzelberger turned to vice. The situation reached a boiling point when SDSU lost to Texas in the first round of the NIT. The fact that a 16-16 Longhorns squad had a No. 2 seed in the NIT while the Jackrabbits settled for a No. 7 seed ticked off Otzelberger. The whole NIT debacle pushed him off the deep end. After the Jackrabbits’ charter plane landed back in Brookings, Otzelberger got in his car, went to McDonald’s — Brookings’s finest dining establishment — for six Big Macs and headed west. Senior Tevin King said that he had never seen the head coach angrier. Not even when North Dakota State wound up claiming the Summit League title that SDSU should’ve won. Since then, it’s been weeks of drinking, gambling and all sorts of bacchanal for Otzelberger. Employees at the MGM Grand Casino have told TMZ that a delusional Otzelberger has been seen hounding bookies, trying to bet on SDSU as the “trendy No. 12 seed that reaches the Sweet 16.” Nevertheless, loyal to the Summit League, he bet half
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of his $350,000 salary on the Bison to upset Duke. Adding insult to injury, NDSU lost to the Blue Devils, leaving Otzelberger nearly broke. Otzelberger’s bender
seemingly would have negative implications for his career prospects, but the situation has actually proven fortuitous. The University of Nevada - Las Vegas had just
ditched their former head coach. Hearing an accomplished mid-major coach was in town, UNLV made their move, hiring Otzelberger to
coach the Runnin’ Rebels. Between Otzelberger and the team itself, the university now has two reclamation projects on its hands.
Responding to that laughable trade demand
It’s a no for us dog
How about just wait until free agency this summer to get out?
Thomas Evanella Staff Writer
To that disgruntled sports editor at The Spectrum: We are the editors in chief at The Collegian, Dakota Student and Minnesota Daily, the three finest student newspapers in the tri-state area. We are jointly putting pen to paper to discuss your recent trade demands. Look, we don’t blame you one bit for wanting to leave The Spectrum. We understand your grievances. We know what the working conditions are like in that fractured office. We shared in your angst while all of Fargo’s top news outlets
enjoyed covering the Bison in March Madness. We’ve heard horror stories of the ungodly meetings. In fact, we even enjoyed meeting you at the latest Associated Collegiate Press convention in Minneapolis. But let’s not kid ourselves here: you’re damaged goods. You’re in your contract year with The Spectrum. Frankly, we all value a little more service time if we are going to parts ways with draft capital at the trade deadline. We’d just as soon scrape you out of the bargain bin when free agency hits over the summer. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s be honest with
TAYLOR SCHLOEMER | THE SPECTRUM
ourselves, you’ve got a checkered track record. You said it yourself; your 300th story was about a teddy bear. A teddy bear? Is that the best you can do? By their 300th pieces, our writers are churning out feature-length exposés on athletic scandals. Just last week, the newest staff writer at the Minnesota Daily blew the lid off the hidden Ponzi scheme that Goldy the Gopher and Jack the Jackrabbit have been orchestrating, pilfering money from the rest of the Big Ten and Summit League mascots. That was written by none other than Cody Tusler, your estranged scribe. We won’t sugarcoat this either: he’s been lambasting you behind your
back. But what do you have to show for your years at The Spectrum? A teddy bear story. Let’s not forget about that public relations nightmare you had back in sophomore year. Remember that? You hired that punk from New Jersey and have let him haunt the pages of your newspaper for three years. We’re pretty sure he’s got ties to the Mafia. In fact, the Dakota Student confirmed that he’d been caught attempting to dig up Jimmy Hoffa’s body in the Meadowlands for a seance. We just can’t have that type of suspect history within our ranks. We also have serious questions about your loyalty. Everyone
knows about that viral photo of your Thundar tramp stamp. We just don’t think you are capable of putting NDSU in the rearview mirror. All this just ignores your biggest blight of all: your section hasn’t even won a single award at the ACP convention while you’ve been in charge. That’s because you’ve been too preoccupied writing soda reviews and talking about football and a teddy bear. Simply put, we all laughed at your trade demands. The Spectrum is where you belong, and it’s where you’ll stay. You can go ahead and shove those trade demands right back up your rectum.
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The Spectrum | North
Dakota State University | monday, april 1, 2019
Thundar dismissed from NDSU athletics Beloved Bison accused of fighting hawks Taylor Schloemer Sports Editor
In a shocking turn of events, Thundar the Bison has been dismissed from North Dakota State athletics after allegations of unethical treatment of birds. Thundar, who has been with NDSU since 1991, has been the central figure in the disappearance of a flock of hawks from the Missouri Valley region. The hawks in question have quietly increased in relevance in the area, with a first sighting in 2015. Since, the flock has been trying to climb up toward the summit of the hills in the area, but have not quite reached the top under the big sky. According to the People Eating Tasty Animals (PETA), the hawk population is growing in the surrounding region, but it is experiencing an abrupt stop in growth in the Fargo area. On a number of occasions in the last couple months, members of the organization have found beaten up hawks on the outskirts of Fargo. “What is interesting about these birds is that, while we like nice and tender meat, this meat is already
well tenderized. It is quite good right off the bird; normally we will have to tenderize it some more,” PETA member Tanner Bacon said. While none of those birds’ deaths have been connected to the beloved mascot, TMZ leaked video from the Fargo Zoo that may prove otherwise. The video, which was recorded on an early 2000s cellphone judging by the quality, shows a big, fluffy figure punching a bird in the parking lot until it looked green and sick. Authorities have not been able to determine the authenticity of the video or if it even is Thundar that is hitting the bird. “Due to the poor technology used to record the incident, we cannot open an investigation at this time,” said Sam Samuelson, a private investigator on the Fargo Police Department. The decision to not open a criminal investigation was not enough for the university to keep Thundar around. “If this was the first time that Thundar was involved in an incident like this, it would be OK, but it is not,” NDSU assistant athletic director in charge of mascots Jack Anderson said. “It will be a shame because we
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WE’RE
Thundar has been accused of beating up a number of birds. won’t get to see them again, either Thundar or the hawks.” In 2015, more allegations of Thundar beating up on hawks surfaced. In September of that year, the Missouri Valley Flying Conservatory (MVFC) reported that the Bison mercilessly beat up on the hawks. “We had many hawks hobbling out of the Fargo area that
weekend,” director of the MVFC R.J. Wentz said. “However, upon further review, we found that the hawks never showed up anywhere near the Bison.” Thundar was cleared of any wrongdoing that year. It seems that following his dismissal, Thundar is moving on quickly. He said that his intention is to stay in the area, and a possible
JOHN SWANSON | THE SPECTRUM
move to Moorhead full-time is likely. Minnesota State University Moorhead is the preferred destination for the former NDSU mascot. Thankfully, that school has not seen a large number of hawks in the area. However, the Dragon’s Den has seen intermittent rises in the Golden Eagle population on campus.
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www.ndsu.edu/wellness NDSU does not discriminate in its programs and activities on the basis of age, color, gender expression/identity, genetic information, marital status, national origin, participation in lawful off-campus activity, physical or mental disability, pregnancy, public assistance status, race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, spousal relationship to current employee, or veteran status, as applicable. Direct inquiries to: Vice Provost, Title IX/ADA Coordinator, Old Main 201, 701-231-7708, ndsu.eoaa@ndsu.edu.