SATURDAY APRIL 1, 1776
VOLUME 120 ISSUE 46
SPECIAL EDITION
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY | FOR THE LAND AND ITS PEOPLE
The Spectrum’s Annual April Fools Day Satirical Supplement
The Rectum
IllUSTRATED INSIDE OUR RECTUM Provost Ingram 2 begins bartending to offset budget cuts “Stop requesting ‘Scotty Doesn’t Know’”
Campus squirrels 5 riot, burn MATBUS Recent squirrel squashing is last straw
The Rectum wants 9 you to meme Dean Don’t let your memes be dreams; tag us on Insta
Carson Wentz quits NFL, 12starts sub jobs at schools ‘He seems morbidly depressed!’
Featuring Student Body President
SPENCER MOIR on transparency, serving citizens
2 SATURDAY APRIL 1, 1776
Fake News
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
Alternative Facts, really...
Provost Ingram Helps Offset Budget Cuts as Parrot Bartender The Pickled Parrot’s newest employee serves her citizens burnt vodka sours Erik Jonasson II Contributing Writer
In light of massive budget cuts, North Dakota State Provost Beth Ingram has taken a part-time position at The Pickled Parrot as a bartender, giving 80 percent of her tips directly to North Dakota State. “We’re all in this together,” Ingram, 58, said. “I figured picking up weekends would add additional revenue streams that will assist in counterweighing current budget cuts.” Ingram said she saw the Parrot’s help-wanted ad in the classifieds last December “when shit started really hitting the fan here on the home front.” The governor’s office mandated that North Dakota institutions cut millions from their respective budgets to ensure the state stays operating. “If that means giving
NDSU $83 through 83 one dollar bills, that’s what we’re going to do,” Ingram said, pulling a thick sticky wad from underneath her stained black tank top. “I’ll do this every goddamned weekend if need be.” And she has been. Pickled Parrot CEO Brad Chadley said he’s been impressed with Ingram’s resiliency. “Ya know, I was at first hesitant in hiring Beth,” Chadley said. “She isn’t your typical bartender — too old for the O.B., too vanilla for the Boiler Room, too morally upright for the Nestor. “She’s really found a home here at the Parrot.” Chadley said Ingram hasn’t missed a weekend since starting, working 8 p.m. - 2 a.m. every Friday and Saturday. NDSU President Dean Bresciani said Ingram often goes straight from her office in Old Main to the downtown bar.
“One minute, she’ll be wearing that bright yellow jacket, and then the next, she is in an Ed Hardy tank and jorts,” Bresciani said. “It’s equal parts incredible and terrifying.” Many terrified 20-somethings enjoy getting their drinks from the provost, Chadley said. “Just watching her interact with our customer base is amazing,” he said. “She knows all the regulars’ names and drinks and social security numbers. She knows how to wreck a 21-year-old’s birthday with one burnt mason jar. And most impressively, she knows when to call security when a scuffle breaks out — and how to end one without backup.” Ingram looks at a scar under her left elbow with a chuckle. EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM “Don’t request ‘Scotty Doesn’t Know’ more than once a fucking night,” she said. Provost Beth Ingram pours an adult beverage at the Pickled Parrot, where she fights budget cuts.
The Turf Bought Out by Herd and Horns Bar to remain the same, basically
Writer McWriterface Hater of Sobriety
A campus favorite drinking hole, The Turf, has been bought out by local competitor Herd and Horns. Former Turf owner Pete Sabo said he was too pissed off with the City of Fargo postponing his projected opening date, so he just decided to sell the bar. Sabo said other bars and Fargo entrepreneurs approached him about buying the establishment, but he only saw it fit to work with Herd and Horns as that restaurant had taken the majority of The Turf’s business anyways. Ultimately, Sabo sold the bar for a “large, undisclosed amount of money” and first round picks in his fantasy football league’s 2017, 2018 and 2019 drafts. Brent Tehven, owner of Herd and Horns and its new satellite location, said venturing to the new
location is a really good business move as it can assist Herd and Horns in capturing the entire audience of students who live on or near the North Dakota State campus without a vehicle. Tehven said he is
surprised the opportunity to expand came swiftly, especially given Herd and Horns only opened in its Bison Block location in August of 2015. He added the price was definitely worth it, citing he can make up the draft picks
by offering free drinks to fellow league members for the next year. New amenities, old feel The new Herd and Horns location intends on being an updated version of the “same old shithole,” which was The Turf.
Tehven said he plans on keeping the same name and same initial designs, which Sabo had laid out. The plans include making the bar a two-story facility, complete with a rooftop patio. New fridges, furnishings, posters and tables will adorn the restaurant in exactly the same way as the original Turf was. The only differences will be a flight of stairs leading to the upstairs dining area and patio, and a giant stuffed bison head on the wall, a Herd and Horns trademark. Student reaction Tehven said the NDSU class of 2020 has been “extremely positive” about the buyout. He added this year’s freshmen are generally unaware of the original Turf and its greatness, and so marketing to them is quite simple. As for older students and
NDSU alumni, Tehven said they’ll still have a desire to return to their old watering hole. “Sure, sure, it will be under new ownership, but really it will be the same bar. You won’t even notice Herd and Horns owns the place,” Tehven said. “Bullshit,” responded students. Future possibility Tehven said one huge future possibility that may occur at the Herd and Horns satellite location is the housing of KNDS, NDSU’s student-run radio station. He said he feels bad the group is consistently shunned from campus and housing the radio station would both give KNDS a place to thrive and to increase publicity for Herd and Horns to KNDS’ increase publicity for Herd and Horns by KNDS’ 68 listeners.
Elect Grant Gloe for Student Body President He’ll put his soul into serving Writer McWriterface Grant Gloe’s Fan Club
The editors of The Rectum support Grant Gloe for student body president. He is an unqualified, unexperienced, apathetic and dull choice with a nice butt who might help move this school forward from an extremely boring election cycle. We didn’t come to this conclusion hastily. The staff deliberated over a few items in particular during an hours-long meeting: whether we should endorse any candidate at all, whether we should endorse or denounce a candidate and which candidate we’d pick. Our staff had two dissenting thoughts pertaining to the candidates, being that Mason Wenzel shouldn’t run unopposed and any random writein student would not necessarily do a really good job as Wenzel would. In the end, we agreed our writer, Grant Gloe, is
a sort-of fit and mostly unqualified to be the next student body president, but we should elect him anyways. We ultimately decided to take a stand because history has its eyes on us. The nature of this election — having only happened once before — has left us wanting to be seen standing up instead of sitting down. It would be easier to not endorse as some media outlets, including KNDS and the Bison Information Network, have chosen to do. Practicing democracy and standing up for convictions takes grit. We are endorsing because apathy and learned helplessness should not be condoned. We believe inaction is an action, a non-vote is a vote and a non-endorsement to be an endorsement. PHOTOGRAPHER MCPHOTOGRAPHERFACE| THE SPECTRUM Our system has faults, but we must take the good He’s an average, bland, normal guy living in a time share with asshole roommates. Vote him for student body president. with the bad and move forward, ballot in hand. would be more engaging productive debate. We also decided for our readers. We want We need controversy endorsing, not denouncing, our opinion to spark a in this election. We need
excitement and Gloe is a step away from the norm. Disagree with us? Let’s talk credentials and policy. Wenzel has been a go-getter since he first got to the NDSU campus, becoming involved with the finance commission and eventually becoming the executive commissioner of finance for student government. Gloe, however, has sat on his beautiful buns, antisocially playing video games and watching Netflix like the rest of us. He knows what most NDSU students want because he is like most NDSU students. Spencer Moir has also set a blemish on history for having a beautifully toned individual as student body president. Do we really want a pretty person such as Wenzel to represent our campus, or do we want a less-than-fit, ramen noodleeating normal guy to show the world who we really are? Gloe is also an engineering major, too. They, as anyone who
has heard an engineering student complain knows, have it the hardest on campus. Gloe hasn’t got a D, F or W like 44 percent of some engineering students have either. We couldn’t fill a sentence with Gloe’s political accomplishments, but neither could we for Donald Trump before November and look where that has gotten him. Still not sold? Been told to vote your conscience or for the only ticket on the ballot? Voting your conscience still requires citizens to vote. If you personally can stomach the only ticket, vote for Wenzel/Mastel. Yes, many of us on campus would have preferred to have more names on the ballot, but that will not deter us from the polling booths as apathetic NDSU students don’t vote anyways. The Rectum has never endorsed a student body candidate, until now. The choice is clear: Make NDSU Gloe Again!
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THE SPECTRUM | FAKE NEWS | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1776
Dinosaur Escapes
NDSU Research Lab tyrannosaurus rex to escape. The T-Rex is part of ongoing NDSU cattle research, in finding out how different cuts of beef affect the growth of resurrected prehistoric creatures. It was spotted around
Chris Pratt
Dinosaur Expert
North Dakota State’s Research and Technology Park underwent a severe technical malfunction Monday, causing a
campus, though it has not been seen since. Researchers are asking anyone with information to contact their Jurassic Authorities department. Attempts to recapture the dinosaur have so far been unsuccessful.
In A Nutshell precautions. No official height or age requirement has been set, but sources close to the topic suggest it will be on par with some state’s front seat passenger laws of 13 years of age or older or being at least five feet tall.
Writer McWriterface
Promoter of Student F—ked University
Chicken champions dining services
North Dakota State dining services were unable to reach an agreement with its suppliers pertaining to payments for beef and pork supplies for the next fiscal years, causing menus to be void of the two meat products. Instead, NDSU dining centers will be serving chicken for every meal next school year. “It will never get bland, it will never get old, we love chicken. It’s good for you,” Darren Petersen, director of NDSU dining services, said. A survey of potential students found a majority of those students would love eating chicken daily.
As such, to please student groups on campus, listservs will be returned to the method where every listserv was sent as an individual email and not paired together with similar standing student groups. Seth Bisbee, student government’s executive commissioner of technology, said the old method is less efficient on student government’s end but it does prompt students to read emails more often.
Mandatory clickers
A new policy set to be passed over the weekend by the North Dakota State faculty, staff and student senates will require students to use clickers in every single class period. The policy is to be implemented to ensure attendance in classes increase school-wide, which is theorized to improve students’ grades. Exemptions for the clicker policy will be made for student athletes, as their attendance is not mandatory in classes.
Wenzel to repeal, replace bike share
A repeal and replacement of the Great Rides Bike Share program is coming to North Dakota State. Mason Wenzel, executive chair of the program and student government’s executive commissioner of finance, said the current bike sharing program is inefficient for students and costing them “way too much money” for what they get out of it. Wenzel is looking to repeal the current program implemented a few years ago and replace it with a program that has the same locations and functionality, except with more efficient bikes at more efficient docking stations. “I always hate it when I go to take bike share from Memorial Union and there is either no bikes present or bikes that don’t work, and I hate when the station I’m intending on going to fills up,” Wenzel said. “Therefore, every docking station will be moved to Memorial Union, the Residence Dining Center location, Barry Hall and the University Village location.” Wenzel said the move intends on making bike share more accessible to all students. “If you like your bike share plan, you can keep your bike share plan,” Wenzel said.
High rises to shut down elevators
Memorial Union parking change
Elevators are causing students residing in NDSU’s four high-rise residence halls to get a sufficient lack of exercise every day. The Department of Residence Life said it was contacted by the Wallman Wellness Center and the College of Health Sciences saying students who live on the top halves of the high rise buildings participate significantly more in the freshman 15 than students residing in the lower halves. In response, Residence Life has worked with the Residence Hall Association and the department of facilities management to shut down elevators, prompting students residing in those buildings to use the stairs.
A parking lot frequently void of any free space, the Memorial Union lot, is set to undergo construction in the start of fall semester. Renovations are being done to improve the parking lot, though NDSU facilities management said the total amount of spaces will decrease. Reasoning for the decrease is to further focus on NDSU’s motto of being a student-focused university.
MATBUS to have height requirement
MATBUS is moving to add a height and age requirement for riders to board. The move comes as a safety precaution for younger riders in the event of a MATBUS crash. MATBUS said in a press release that as roller coasters have a height requirement to ride, MATBUS will be following similar
Listserv changes coming
Student government has found the current structure of listserv emails to be inefficient compared to its previous methods.
Benjamin Norman Editor in Chief editor@ndsuspectrum.com Casey McCarty Head News Editor head.news@ndsuspectrum.com Phoebe Ellis Co-News Editor co.news@ndsuspectrum.com Rio Bergh Features Editor features@ndsuspectrum.com Paige Johnson A&E Editor ae@ndsuspectrum.com Erik Jonasson Opinion Editor opinion@ndsuspectrum.com Taylor Schloemer Sports Editor sports@ndsuspectrum.com
Madison Hilber Head Copy Editor head.copy@ndsuspectrum.com Jack Hastings Co-Copy Editor co.copy@ndsuspectrum.com Larisa Khanarina Photo Editor photo@ndsuspectrum.com Emma Maddock Design Editor design@ndsuspectrum.com Aditya Sinha Web Editor webmaster@ndsuspectrum.com Emily Beaman Graphic Designer graphics@ndsuspectrum.com
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www.ndsuspectrum.com Main Office: 231-8929 Editor in Chief: 231-8629
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CRIKEY MATE | THE SPECTRUM
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updates including newer flooring, updated appliances, and fresh paint! Other amenities include: heat paid, on-site laundry, secure building, and much more! Available now starting at only $535/mo. Call Jeremy at (701) 371-8234.
Northwood Commons Apartments located close to NDSU! 2 Bedroom apartments available with rent ranging from $690 to $790. Also features an indoor pool. Call Amanda at 701-2802369.
SUMMER EMPLOYMENT: CAMP COUNSELORS, SPEECH AND OCCUPATIONAL THERAPISTS, READING INSTRUCTORS, RECREATION, CRAFTS AND WATERFRONT PERSONNEL NEEDED FOR A SUMMER CAMP IN NORTH DAKOTA. WORKING WITH CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS. SALARY PLUS ROOM AND BOARD. CONTACT: DAN MIMNAUGH CAMP GRASSICK,
Eff, 1 & 2 BR INDOOR POOL Wood floors, heat paid, Exercise center, builtin microwave, close to malls & restaurants. Cats OK 701-282-6357 Dakotaview@hegenes. com SHORT WALK TO NDSU! Very spacious 1 & 2 bedroom apartments. Several
HELP WANTED:
BOX F, DAWSON, ND 58428. 701-3274251 email grasbek@ bektel.com (Thru April 6, 2017) FARGO TO FARGO BIZ MARKETING & PROMOTION OFFICE AND MARKETING STAFF POSITIONS. HOURLY + BONUSES. DAYS OR EVES. GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN BUSINESS MARKETING AND PROMOTION. WEST FARGO OFFICE LOCATION. CALL CAYDE (701) 282-8333 (701) 2100666 (Thru April 13, 2017) FOR SALE: For sale. Doctoral gown Jostens 56, black with royal blue front panels and sleeve bands. For height 5’5” to 5’8”. Call 235-2494.
4 SATURDAY APRIL 1, 1776
Fetch-ures
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THE RECTUM
FARGO FASHION
Match Your Cat
Get your paws on some matching outfits right meow
Keyona Elkins
Contributing Writer
It’s official: purse dogs are out and fancy cats are in. The biggest trend in fashion right now isn’t athleisure, bodysuits or pastels; it’s coordinating outfits for you and your cat. Dog owners can put their pooches in cute little outfits and tote them around as purse accessories, but cats don’t usually get the same treatment. That’s all about to change this season. Scoring your cat an outfit to match yours is guaranteed to make you both look like style stars. Plus, it will get you all the likes on Instagram since you can hashtag #ootd, #twinsies and #catsofinstagram all in one post. You could keep it simple by matching your kitty’s collar to your top, doing your cat eye makeup to match his actual eyes or making the two of you coordinating friendship
bracelets. But to really master the trend, you need to sport full on matching ensembles. With this trend getting so big, rumors are even swirling that Wet Seal is making a comeback as a “kitty & me” store, taking inspiration from matching “mommy & me” styles but for those with less human children. Grumpy Cat is in talks to be the official spokescat for the rebrand, even with her dwindling relevance. (All of Vogue editor Grace Coddington’s cats already turned down the offer, and Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld’s famous white feline, Choupette, would neither confirm nor deny any involvement.) If your adult goals are to basically be the fancy old lady who owned the cats in Disney’s “Aristocats,” this trend is calling your name. It’s purrfect for future cat ladies in the making. Also, matching pet/human fashion
looks will definitely bring you and your cat closer together. Cats love dressing up almost as much as they love baths, loud noises and trips to the vet. Just in case your fluffy friend is a bit apprehensive about trying out the trend, there’s a proven method to getting her into the latest fashions. First, approach your cat slowly, hiding the outfit. Pet her a few times. Then, whip out the outfit and get one paw in as quickly as possible before she knows you’ve betrayed her. Ignore the growling. Holding the kitty down, wrestle for her other front paw and wiggle it through the leg hole. Ignore the hissing. Try to avoid the clawing as you secure the outfit around her furry little belly. Finally, bandage any cuts you received in the dressing process so as to not get blood on your adorable new matching outfits.
KEYONA ELKINS | THE SPECTRUM
Your cat will absolutely love coordinating outfits with you. Soak in that look of sheer enjoyment.
Thought from a Rock: Burn It Down
Dakota Marker Trophy pleads for help
Rio Bergh (double check) Features Editor (double check)
I am a rock. I am an island (of cool. The only cool thing in Brookings, S.D.). I am a rock. Sorry. I get all my kicks from cheap jokes because there is literally nothing redeeming about this place. Actually, hold that thought. Brookings has a claim to fame: it’s the hometown of Charles Percy from Grey’s Anatomy. But even that’s fictional. When I get down to it, this place sucks. It sucks harder than … umm … a hoover. Yeah, a hoover. But where are my manners? I swear, Brookings is rubbing off on me. Hello. I am Dakota “The Rock” Johnson, but you can call me the Dakota Marker LARISA KHANARINA | THE SPECTRUM Trophy if you want to be all The Dakota Marker, back during its happy days at NDSU. formal like that. I belong
at NDSU, but because the universe has a wicked sense of humor, some Jack@$$ (rabbits?) carted me off to the god-forsaken cesspool that is Brookings. One year after the founding of the first European settlement here, Yankton Indians drove the settlers off. I’m here to say, it wouldn’t have taken a genius to know to stay the hell away. Instead, the blazing idiots went back. And now we have Brookings. The fact that Brookings exists doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the fact that I’m actually in Brookings. I thought I was safe in North Dakota. I thought a five-time championship winning team could defend my honor. I was wrong. But I’m not bitter. Please take me back. I’ll forgive that time you thought I was granite (I’m
quartzite). It doesn’t even matter anymore. Just make it stop. They’ve tried waterboarding to make me forget about you. It hasn’t worked. In between torture sessions (official ones — really, the whole thing is one long torture session), the only thing I can think about is how everything smells like mothballs and rotten corn. What I’m really afraid of is Stockholm syndrome — what if I actually like it here? I know, I shudder at the thought too. What if I start to like being tortured on a daily basis? I might come back with some new kinks. Don’t worry, it’ll be fun. Send down a task force. Trade them Dean-o in return for me. Torch the place so I never have to go back. Do what you gotta do. Here’s what I’m trying to say: get me the hell out of here. Please.
Student Senate Refuses to Replace Justice before Election Core group believes Professor X can nominate an ethically compromised jackass instead Rio Bergh
Features Editor
In a daring move, NDSU’s student senate is refusing to replace a student court justice until after the election season. Nobody has any clue where they got the idea. The Repelican-controlled senate is currently refusing to vote in any judicial confirmation hearings, as they believe current Student Body President Spencer Moir is incompetent. “Everyone knows Moir can’t make a single good decision,” a powerful unnamed Repelican
confided. “I mean, look at him. Nobody that hot can be intelligent. It wouldn’t be fair to the rest of us. No homo, but he is one serious piece of beefcake.” Until recently, Mason Wenzel has been running for president unopposed, but in a stunning turn of events, Professor X, the cat who won many write-in votes during the last election season, managed to make it on the ticket. Wenzel thought X would be out of the running since he is a cat and has no student ID — new bylaws require candidates to have official identification. X’s campaign manager
has maligned allegations that UND hackers had anything to do with getting X on the ticket. “He’s here to stay, so go cry about it in your lawabiding soup,” the manager said in response to a request for X’s identification. Repelicans are holding off on Moir’s judicial nomination, since they believe X has the potential to pull off a surprise victory over Wenzel. “X is really different, and he’ll shake things up,” the unnamed Repelican source noted. “We think that will really appeal to a voter base that hasn’t given a flying fig until recently when they
realized budget cuts actually matter and could affect the accreditation of their university.” X is appealing to other students because he is angry, especially after being recently neutered. “He’s cantankerous, balding, getting old and losing his mind, but I kind of like that about him,” Billy Bison said, when asked about the “Professor X 2017” and “Make NDSU Great Again” bumper stickers adorning his tricked-out truck, complete with truck nutz. X’s supporters in the senate and general population all have
something in common: the desire to return to a golden age. “All we want is a return to the ‘60s and a militarized police force,” the Repelican representative said. “They got that at Cannonball, so why can’t we have it here?” “Really, I’m just afraid of recent developments that have given actual rights to people who aren’t white males,” Billy Bison said. “I want the judicial branch to support me, and only me.” Repelican representatives are hopeful X and any justice he nominates will be able to make big changes at the top. “We think he’ll be able to
work with North Dakota’s State Legislature to remove LGBTQ+ Safe Spaces on campus,” the Repelican source said. “These pansy-ass wimps and their delicate feelings are making us weaker,” X said in a recent tweet. “That’s why we lost the most recent football championship. Bad (or sick) Moir for supporting these losers!” On campus, a buzz is in the air. Students wait with bated breath for election results, to see who can rock their world. Stay tuned.
THE SPECTRUM | FETCH-URES | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1776
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Campus police fear widespread squirrel rioting after the tragic burning of a matbus.
EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM
Campus Squirrels Riot, Burn Bus Recent squirrel squashing is last straw Erik Jonasson II Contributing Writer
Campus police claim the squirrels on campus are out of control. A demonstration in support of Flat Freddy (who was tragically smashed on Centennial) turned violent after a bus narrowly missed squashing a few more squirrels. The squirrels stormed the bus and burned it down after beating the driver senseless.
“I have to admit, some of us lost control,” Sammy Squirrel said. “But at the same time, the madness has to end. I want to be able to cross the street without fearing I might become a grease spot in the road.” Campus police have also expressed concern over the incident, and have used it to justify arguments to increase funding and purchase riot gear. “Riot shields will be a necessity, especially since the passing of new
legislation means any squirrel with a N.D. driver’s licenses can legally pack heat,” a police spokesperson said. “But even more important than riot shields will be the acquisition of beanbag guns,” the spokesperson continued. The department denied allegations it only wants beanbag guns because they would be fun to play with. “We’ve tried being peaceful,” Sammy Squirrel noted, “but when you’re
only five inches high, they don’t notice you. But we’ll make them notice. “If they want to escalate tensions by bringing in riot gear, we have options. We’ll talk to the campus crows to see if they can crap exclusively on police cruisers. I have connections with the local mafia — I hear they have a T-shirt cannon.” Campus police think the squirrels need to chill out, and claim the squashing of Flat Freddy (who earned his
moniker post-squashing) was merely an isolated incident. They denied allegations they might be afraid of a T-shirt cannon. “Who wants to scrape another flattened squirrel off of the road? We sure don’t,” the spokesperson commented. “But we can’t have incidents like this. Such displays can be distracting to the students, and this is a student-focused, land grant, research university.” The squirrels are not
satisfied with the stance taken by campus police, and are demanding little flashing crosswalks. “We are cute, we are part of this campus and we demand respect,” Sammy Squirrel roared to screaming crowd at a recent rally. “If they want a war, we can give them a war,” Sammy Squirrel said. “We will not be silenced.”
Exodus in Dosa Disaster BISON Mass City Hordes descend on storehouses of dosa ABROAD like clouds of locusts Laura Ellen Brandjord Contributing Writer
Worse than the current shortage of cash in Hyderabad ATMs, the flourishing tech city is currently experiencing its second week of Dosa shortage. In an event fit for the most traumatic of apocalyptic narratives, the mass exodus of citizens to neighboring southern states has reached its peak in the past few days. The sheer volume of Hyderabadis seeking refuge in Tamil Nadu has caused the CM to declare a state of emergency as the cities of Madras and Kanchipuram struggle to provide adequate accommodation and face dosa shortages of their own. If the citizens continue to the city at this rate, it can be expected that Hyderabad will be no more than a
ghost town by the end of the week. The official cause the
season resulting in a flour which does not properly ferment. Successful comedian and dosa activist, Kenny Sebastian, has become one of the most celebrated heroes since the tragedy struck. Upon hearing the crisis, he immediately returned to his homestate of Kerala to begin gathering donated supplies for the affected Hyderabad citizens, canceling the last show of his tour scheduled in Chandigarh to do so. In addition to this, the comedian has started selling T-shirts with popular lines from his famous “Why the Dosa is Amazing” stand-up routine with all proceeds going directly to the city’s Dosa Shortage Relief Fund. The “Dosa LAURA ELLEN BRANDJORD | THE SPECTRUM has two ingredients — Urad dal and love” and Do you have any dosa? Watch out for the hungry hordes that don’t. “Introducing the Apple iDosa” T-shirt designs have shortage of the crispy disease of the rice used in proven so popular that essential South Indian the fermented batter caused they are backordered until bread has been linked to the by an inadequate monsoon
November 2018. While thanks largely to the help of celebrities such as Sebastian, the six million residents of Hyderabad are slowly getting the aid they need, officials still say there is a long way to go before the city and its citizens’ dosa habits are back to normal. Thankfully, the government of Telangana is already discussing the creation of a Dosa Crisis Surplus Hold, which would act as a state supply of the critical ingredients for use in the case of another such incident in the future. “With the monsoon becoming less and less reliable,” one government spokesperson said, “we just want to make sure we are prepared so a tragedy of this magnitude does not occur again.”
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Entertainment & Arts
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
OUTSHINEATX | PHOTO COURTESY
If you find this missing indie band in the woods please leave them there.
Indie Bands’ Vocals Go from Indistinguishable to Complete Gibberish There’s this band, you’ve probably never heard of it JaCarl the Block Spectrum Staff
We are currently living in a period of great societal change, a cosmic rift, a Renaissance if you will. Indie bands are now so indie that they have chosen to forsake commonly accepted annunciation in preference for a system of no enunciation whatsoever. Lyrics are irrelevant and meaning is arbitrary. Who needs to sing about giving out your number and hoping someone will call you maybe when you
just moan and scream into a microphone instead? At the 12th Annual Battle of the Incoherent Bands in the basement of a foreclosed vegan coffee shop, bands took to the stage to vie for the title of superior moaner. There may have been lyrics to the songs, but if there were I missed them. The bands on the setlist included The The, Pissed Jeans, Test Icicles, The String Cheese Incident, Sleigh Bells, We Butter the Bread with Butter and Chumbawamba. Police shut down the
gig after several noise complaints from the Battle of the Quiet Bands competition across the street, the winner of which was a band called Sparklepony that played a xylophone made out of feathers. Many of these indie bands have taken up residence in the woods where they are “researching the sounds of Mother Nature for an experimental album meant to soundtrack your godchild’s christening and haunted houses.” As of recent reports, several indie bands have
It’s rumored that if you walk in the woods alone at night, you can see unironic fedoras and hear the ghosts of indie bands complaining, ‘Ugh, mainstream music sucks. I only listen to real music.’ gone missing in various wooded areas. The bands disappeared after taking publicity photos in a foggy forest all looking in different directions except at the camera and were never seen again.
It’s rumored that if you walk in the woods alone at night, you can see unironic fedoras and hear the ghosts of indie bands complaining, “Ugh, mainstream music sucks. I only listen to
real music,” along with sightings of Bigfoot and the Tupac hologram. They say art precedes social change, so it is only a matter of time before the human race begins to communicate via nasal moans and Gregorian chants. Basically, human language is going to turn into every alt-J song you’ve ever heard. Life imitates art. Wrong. Life imitates indie music.
Local Theater Ghost Laid Off Due to Budget Cuts, Leaves Vacancy in Hauntings In wake of university-wide cuts, ghost of Alfred G. Arvold forced to find new position in competitive haunting market Paige Johnson A&E Editor
In 1957, Alfred G. Arvold began working at NDSU in an unusual profession: the theater ghost. It was the perfect position, given that Arvold founded the Little Country Theatre. He also had a bone to pick with NDSU: Arvold wasn’t given recognition for his work in Theatre NDSU, unlike Reuben Askanase and Dr. Fred Walsh, who respectively had a building and a black box theater named after them. Arvold’s been in place since his unfortunate death in 1957. At the time, the university’s theatre program was hoping to establish itself among other reputable theaters in the nation. It had the people, it had the facility and it had the productions. However, it was missing a crucial aspect of the theater aesthetic: a theater ghost. “After I died, I thought it was heaven-sent: literally,”
Arvold laughed. “I had plenty of resentment, I was known in the theater and there wasn’t a theater ghost. So, the situation was perfect.” On Monday, March 27, President Dean Bresciani let Arvold know that he would, unfortunately, be let go from his position as theater ghost at Askanase Hall. Budget cuts have been sweeping through the university, leading to disputes about where budget allocations will be placed and the removal of the Division of Student Affairs. The theatre department hasn’t been immune, and unfortunately, the first cut to be made was to Arvold’s position. To many, theater ghosts are a crucial part of any theater building. They add character and create stories that persist throughout the history of a space. “It’s a blow,” Arvold said sadly, staring longingly at the stage space in Askanase. “I’ve had some good memories in this building.
Scaring students, causing inexplicable mishaps. I always love sitting in the shadows and listening to the stories being shared about my adventures.” Arvold’s position at the university requires no monetary funds. However, given that Arvold is not a necessary addition to the university, Dr. Bresciani felt the need to cut wherever was unnecessary. In the wake of this news, the next step for Arvold is to find a different position. “It’s quite a difficult market, actually,” said Arvold. “There are too many ghosts, not enough positions. Despite my 60 years of experience, it’s still hard to find a place EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM that will want the founder of a wildly successful Alfred G. Arvold has been haunting Askanase Hall since his death in 1957. On Monday, President college theatre group. I’ve Bresciani told Arvold that he was being let go. been circulating my resume my antics in purgatory. university.” around, but still no luck.” theater. He won’t officially But, while I may have At the moment, Arvold “I might just pass on, be losing his position gotten my frustrations remains in Askanase Hall, to the other side,” he until the end of the year. out in the past 60 years, haunting current students, continued. “I know that At present, NDSU is not this has only added to my faculty and maintaining the Fred and Reuben have been planning on replacing the overall spooky effect of the interested in knowing about growing resentment for the position.
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THE SPECTRUM | E&A | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1776
English Graduate Publishes Shitty YA Fiction in Desperation He hoped to make it big, but he’s going to have to sell his soul first Paige Johnson A&E Editor
Ever since Max McDonald was seven years old, he’s wanted to write books. He was captivated by a school project that asked students to write a chapter of a story they wanted to tell, whether that story would be fantasy, science fiction or any other genre. McDonald wrote about an alien attacking Earth, ultimately being defeated by a superhero. He was an eclectic novelist from a young age. Eight years ago, McDonald began his studies in English at NDSU. While his parents were concerned about his future career potential, McDonald was determined to fulfill his childhood dream. This dream gradually became reality as McDonald developed his writing and his interests at NDSU. “I had an amazing time within the English department at NDSU,” said McDonald. “The faculty and students were crucial to my development as a writer. I’m very grateful for my four years of education here.” Yet after graduation, McDonald’s dreams seemed to hit a wall. Suddenly, his parents fears about his future were a stark reality. “I couldn’t get through anywhere,” McDonald explained. “I had written a few chapters of a novel in my senior year. I thought it had potential. I sent it off to some publishers, but the rejection letters just kept coming. I was really thinking about giving up
on my dreams to become a novelist.” Then, inspiration struck in an unlikely place: the young adult fiction section at Barnes & Noble on a Monday afternoon. Seeing the massive amounts of fluffy, melodramatic text, the bountiful amounts of teens gobbling it up and the movie adaptations that were continuing to turn the machine, McDonald realized his “in” to the world of literature. That night, McDonald sat down at a desk, took a shot of tequila and began what would become the beginning of his climb into fame. “I just, I don’t know, I just kind of threw stuff together,” McDonald remembered. “I was a little drunk, not going to lie. I think it included some vampires, werewolves — obviously. But I vaguely PAIGE JOHNSON | THE SPECTRUM remember some trolls and “The Day I Died,” the bestselling young adult fiction novel by Max McDonald, was written in a drunken night out of desperation. witches involved as well.” By the end of the night, of everything, I think. and designing the cover, eat. He, his agent and the friends and professors say. McDonald was passed That’s when it all changed.” (“The most important part,” editor of the project were I feel like I sold my soul a out on his keyboard, a full After going through the McDonald joked) the final sitting together in the little bit, but now I have a book smashed out in an grueling process of editing, product was able to be editor’s office waiting to Ferrari, a big house in the open Word document. He editing and more editing, published. hear about the stats of his Hamptons, all the perks that told me that he didn’t even in addition to figuring out The day of the release, first sales. By the end of the come along with financial reread the text, just saved a marketing strategy, going McDonald recalled, he day, McDonald was feeling success. So, I don’t really it and sent it off to one of through legal paperwork was so nervous he couldn’t his friends working at a pretty good. Ecstatic, see a downside.” publishing company in New actually. Max McDonald’s York. The next day, he had “It was an immediate book is not available for already received a response. “I am a little nervous to see what my friends best-seller,” he laughed. purchase at any dealers, not “I thought it was going to “After all that work, all that even Amazon. For more and professors say. I feel like I sold my soul a be another rejection letter. education, all that hoping. information, please do not I knew it wasn’t good, I little bit, but now I have a Ferrari, a big house The long hours of staying visit any websites because didn’t proofread it. I was in the Hamptons, all the perks that come along up late to finish papers and this is entirely a satire piece. just grasping at straws,” reading exhaustive texts, all All the people depicted McDonald laughed. “But with financial success. So, I don’t really see a I had to do was get drunk in this piece are fictional. when I opened the email my downside.” – Max McDonald, author & NDSU and write a book in a night.” Any similarities or names friend had said, ‘You know, my editor really liked this. Speaking of his between people, living or English graduate I think we should move education: “I am a little dead, is pure coincidence. forward with publishing.’ nervous to see what my And that was the beginning
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EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM
Disney to Copyright New Testament Mel Gibson slotted to not direct any movies Grant Gloe Staff Writer
Hitting theaters Christmas 2020, a harrowing tale of a guy trying to crawl out from under his dad’s shadow, not directed by Mel Gibson though. Disney has just put a patent on the New Testament for their next feel good animated adventure. “We think the story of Christ belongs to the people,” Disney CEO
Bob Iger said, “and now we’ll bring that story to the masses in a whole new light.” Even so, copyright infringement suits are
already hitting courts. Jesus Fish must now be any “Finding Nemo” character and every crucifix must come with a proportionally sized “m” next to it to form
As far as casting goes, there are few confirmed voices as of yet. Chris Prat will be the voice of this light-hearted, goofy Jesus.
“tm.” As far as casting goes, there are few confirmed voices as of yet. Chris Pratt will be the voice of this light-hearted, goofy Jesus. Bill Hager is to play someone not completely insignificant, but you would hesitate to call important. Finally, Kevin Hart will be the Saint Peter the Apostle’s talking rabbit. With this amazing lineup and also Bill Hager, expectations are high our band of brotherly
apostles. Also, Mel Gibson is not directing anything. Some concerns have been raised over who can truly own the New Testament. Can a story that’s been around longer than the people who claim to own it really belong to them? Well, Disney would point you towards classics like “Cinderella” and “Snow White” and say “you were fine with it then.” To which parents respond “ya, but now there are ads at my
son’s confirmation and it’s kind of killing the mood.” While the debate carries on, one thing is for certain: there will be one song that is played nonstop until it drives it we’ve all heard it a thousand times. I’m still not 100% sure why “Let It Go” took off like it did. Regardless, I’m excited to see what comes of this incredible endeavor dubbed “The Lion King” meets “The Passion of the Christ.”
Campus Attractions Goofs, Cover Band for Spring Concert NDSU will still have cover band perform Charli Joergensen Contributing Writer
North Dakota State students awoke today to an upsetting email regarding the spring concert. Those in charge at Campus Attractions admitted they had not booked the wellknown band Bowling For Soup, but instead lined up the cover band called Bowling for Soop. When asked how they could have made such a large mistake, they simply responded the man on the phone sounded just like the lead singer, Jaret Reddick. Campus Attractions also admitted they didn’t read the fine print in the contract.
According to the email, NDSU has already paid the non-refundable booking fee of $20,000 to have the band play May 5. Because of this, the university will still have the cover band perform. We have received a lot of emails and messages from concerned students who want to know more about the band, so we decided to do a bit of research. The
results were shocking. Bowling for Soop is a one-man band located in the town of Slickpoo, Idaho. Yes, that is a really a town in Idaho. Google it. What may be even more disturbing is that Randy Scottsmith, the only band member, likes to go by the name of Little Re-dick. An ode to the lead vocalist of Bowling for Soup, Jaret
When asked how they could have made such a large mistake, they simply responded that the man on the phone sounded just like the lead singer, Jaret Reddick.
3GXSFIV 6SEH
Reddick. Randy Scottsmith is 48-years-old, enjoys spending time with his cats and creates my little pony claymations, according to his Instagram account, RandyLittleRe-dick. President Dean Bresciani also sent an email to students in regard to the spring concert. He encouraged students to remain positive and to have an open mind. At the end of the email, he gently reminded students these tickets were non-refundable, so it is recommended to attend. “At the very least, you FUNK DOOBY | THE SPECTRUM will have yourself a good laugh,” President Bresciani Little Re-dick belts out Bowling for Soup songs during the said. Slickpoo music fest.
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THE SPECTRUM | LOUD NOISES | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1776
Wellness Center to Pull Strings on Singlets Goodbye comfort, hello snow pants and parkas
Shoppers from all over the region peruse the various booths at the craft fair.
Erik Jonasson II Opinion Editor
The wellness center has officially made the move that will save millions of people’s eyes. Over this past weekend, after the cries from some dumb student journalist, the wellness center will officially require at least three items of winter apparel to be worn while
working out on any floor. “It really gets me sweaty,” said BeefCake Idontunderstandsatire Johnson. “This writer got what he wanted I guess, but at least I will lose some water weight so there is that. By the way, f—k cardio.” The article in question, “Getting Visually Offended at The Wellness Center,” caused quite a stir. Many
folks pointed out the author’s cross-dressing habits and pointed to their lack of knowing what satire was. Which were all the author’s fault. Still, some protest. “If you read the article, you can obviously tell Erik (Erik Jonasson II was the author) was making a point about the political atmosphere of this
current administration.” I sat down with Jeffery Ireadintothingswaytoomuch Swanson. He told me the author was obviously “fed up” with Trump and all his antics. “After Trump called The Spectrum fake news, Erik had to make a statement.” Swanson later added the cut-offs was most likely a metaphor. A metaphor for what, he didn’t say. Still, there are those who are upset. Those people are offended about someone else getting satirically offended, and are now offended, because of reasons. “I work out. I enjoy my nipples. Why shouldn’t everyone else?” Johnson told us. He later went on to tell us about his supplements he uses, unprovoked, and later gave me pointers on my squats. Thanks, man. With the wellness center enacting their strict rules on
clothing, girls are obviously upset as well. “Why can’t I just wear my damn sports bra and everybody stop objectifying me?” Jessica Literallyeverygirlever Roberts said. She told us she was fed up with the obvious bias in dress code and agreed with Johnson. “Hey, I look good, and this outfit makes me feel good. A guy could totally
Jessica Literallyeverygirlever Roberts and BeefCake Idontunderstandsatire Johnson both told me though Erik should for sure find another hobby. Updates on the wellness center’s policy seems imminent as they juggle their first big legislation piece since their law regarding peeing in the pool being punishable by
“If you read the article, you can obviously tell Erik (Erik Jonasson II was the author) was making a point about the political atmosphere of this current administration.” wear this, but for some reason, I can’t.” “Oh well, I guess running in snow pants won’t be too bad.”
death. Punishment has not been deemed yet, but many expect satire to be punishment for the first offense.
‘Make NDSU ND Again’ Bresciani to Impose Immigration Bill Controversial bill to piss off half of campus at least Erik Jonasson II Opinion Editor
News out of the president’s house has been scattered, but The Spectrum is reporting that President Dean Bresciani has signed into law his controversial bill barring Minnesota students from enrolling at NDSU for three semesters. President Bresciani’s position seemed to be unstable. With a poor approval rating and NDUS investigation over talks with the University of North Dakota before the election. Nevertheless, after his extension was granted he seemed to have to make a big move. Which he did. In enters his extreme platform that has made many conservative North
Dakota residents very happy. “I mean the school is called, North Dakota State, not Everybody State,” Billy Bison, a sophomore in the mechanical engineering department who hails from Bumfuque, North Dakota, said. “I really just love how (Bresciani) doesn’t worry what is politically correct.” Billy later added that he really didn’t trust The
Spectrum because they were “fake news.” “Look, the amount of NDSU students who are from across the river is YUGE,” Bresciani said at one of his rallies. “The next legislation I am going to pass is the ‘Greatest Immigration Bill Ever Made.’ We will bar Minnesota residents from coming to NDSU, and we will Make NDSU N.D.
“Look, the amount of NDSU students who are from across the river is YUGE,” Bresciani said at one of his rallies. “The next legislation I am going to pass is the ‘Greatest Immigration Bill Ever Made.’ We will bar Minnesota residents from coming to NDSU, and we will Make NDSU N.D. again.”
again.” Later he commented on how Minnesota students were bringing crime, mostly in the form of lutefisk. Bresciani has been really stirring the political pot with his rallies he is holding in the basement of the union. Talks about Secretary of Dairy Billiary Blinton being a criminal and various controversial comments on our news editor seemed to be some of the worst offenses made. This proposed Immigration Ban against Minnesotans had seemed like an improbable piece of legislation. While some celebrate, some are protesting. These protests have been happening at the Memorial Union by people who seem to have no studying to do at all. “I can’t believe we let a
This proposed Immigration Ban against Minnesotans had seemed like an improbable piece of legislation. money hungry orange into the office of president,” Vegan Coldbrew told me while she was protesting. “He is an embarrassment to NDSU. This school is defined by its diversity,” Coldbrew later told me about vegan options on campus, for some reason, Get Chopped or Not was forgotten. Whether Bresciani’s bill will keep “Make NDSU N.D. again” remains to be seen. It also remains to be seen whether this will curve down on Minnesota-based terrorism.
It is worth mentioning that last semester we did have a single lutefisk bomb detonate in the dining center, and not one “don’t you know” was uttered during student senate. Either way, as it is right now, this is the law of the land. The Spectrum has chosen to remain as unbiased as Fox News on this stupid law, so go ahead and come back for more stupid updates sometime soon.
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NDSU Cuts Men’s Golf, Adds League of Legends E-sports team to have a full backing Taylor Schloemer Sports Editor
In a shocking move, North Dakota State athletic director Matt Larsen announced Wednesday men’s golf will be cut from NDSU athletics. Replacing men’s golf will be a varsity League of Legends team. “We are excited to be the first members of the Summit League to fully enter into the world of e-sports,” Larsen said. Indiana UniversityPurdue UniversityIndianapolis does have a LoL team, but it is supported at the club level. “It was a hard sell to get the board to accept the fact that we would be offering aid to athletes who just sit in front of the computer,” Larsen said. “To them it was a foreign concept, but once they took a look at what exactly the competitors do, they were on board.” With the move, NDSU
will now offer scholarships to potential players. Larsen said it will be laid out similarly to Robert Morris University, but did not comment on how much money will be made available for scholarships. Robert Morris supports up to 50 percent of student costs, which total to as much as $19,000 a year. The new LoL team will move into the SHAC along with most of the rest of NDSU’s teams. Larsen said the program will be freshly built with new hardware for the athletes. “We will be working with the current members of the video game club in order to properly spec the tools which the athletes will use.” Most of the expenses will come out of the athletic budget. Larsen added there may be an additional deal in the books. “We have been in contact with a number of computer companies talking about partnerships to use their
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Starting in December, League of Legends will be an official NDSU sport hardware,” Larsen said. The team will be holding open tryouts, and a coach is yet to be determined at this point. Despite the current lack of structure, it seems like there is a blue print in place for the build. “You don’t make a move like this without a plan,” Larsen said. There was no further comment about the program’s structure.
When asked why there was a decision to cut golf, it came down to performance and program visibility. In Summit League Championships, the program finished no better than fourth in nine years. Most recently, they finished 11th out of 12 teams at the Jackrabbit Invitational last weekend. “One big thing we
looked at is visibility on campus,” Larsen said. “The team did not play a competitive round in Fargo this year, and just does not have a large following. We saw the move to League of Legends as an opportunity to expand our university and the awareness of the university nationally. There is hope that low costs coupled with possible attendance at events and streaming rights will bring in money for the school.” When contacted for a comment, the men’s golf head coach Steve Kennedy said, “We are disappointed in the decision of the athletic department. We respect the decision but will ask the department of review the choice they made.” Student reaction has been slightly more in favor of the move. Jacob Block, a sophomore in electrical engineering thought this is
the right move. “It is about time this school caught up with the current trends in sports,” Block said. He also added he would likely trying out for the team. “I never thought I would try out to be a full-on Bison.” One student who wished to be unnamed was not so pleased. “It now gives my roommate another reason to stay up all-night, playing League and yelling at his team. I am not sure if he even has his mic on half the time.” The team will start playing in the ULoL Campus Series in December, taking part in the North Division in the top tier of competition. Matches will take place in the SHAC, but it is unknown if they will take place in the training room or main court. Either way, the e-sport wave has fully hit Fargo.
Name me MNUFC Manager, How Hard Can it Be? I have a plan some experience, and basic soccer knowledge Taylor Schllama Sports Editor
Hey Minnesota United, I would just like offer up my services. I would like to become manager of the Loons. It really can’t be as hard as the current group is making it seem. Here is my resume. I have played soccer for the last 16 years, so I like to think I know what I’m doing. Included in that time were four years of varsity high school experience, two of which were with the captain’s armband. The thing that got me the armband in the first place was my knowledge of the game. A deep understanding of how the game works, the movements of players, and other things along those lines are my specialty. I also have some experience on the other side of the bench, coaching a U-10 team for a summer. Add on to this hundreds of hours playing FIFA’s Manager Mode, I feel like
TAYLOR SCHLOEMER | THE SPECTRUM
Ladies and gentlemen, the next manager of the Loons I am prepared to solidify this team. Or, at least feel more prepared than current management. I understand that this is a big task, and am ready to take it on. Perhaps more importantly, I have a plan that I would like to put in place. Something it seems that current management doesn’t have. First things first, take care of the back four. Francisco Clavo and Brent Kallman are first choice center backs. That is easy. Currently, outside backs should be
Justin Davis out left, and Jerome Thiesson right. Simply put, there aren’t many choices right now, and I will be sending scouts out to find more depth. The cash needed for buying new players will come from selling at least one, though his price may be low. Vadim Demidov has no right to be in the first-18, much less be captain. I will sell him at all costs, even if it means selling him to Toronto for $1. Goal number two is finding a formation that
works. I am a strong believer in the old-school tactics. 4-4-2, flat and simple. In the defense, it will transform into more of a 4-4-1-1, with Johan Venegas dropping in behind Christian Ramirez. This will help control the break out of the defensive zone, something that I will get to in a bit. Here is the starting XI (unless there is something to see in training) John Alvage GK, Davis LB, Kallman CB, Clavo CB, Thiesson RB, Miguel Ibarra
LM, Ibson CM, Collen Warner CM, Kevin Molino RM, Venegas ST, Ramirez ST. You see, there is a feel that the team can play well, as they showed in Colorado, but there are issues. There seems like there is no chemistry in the squad, and no depth on the back line. Since this is Minnesota, best use the strategies of Minnesota coaches, and I mean Gordon Bombay to improve chemistry. Give the team the Mighty Ducks treatment, replace balls with eggs, tie the team together, and so on. Chemistry will come soon enough. And the final big thing in the plan, get rid of the possession based game. It is obvious that this doesn’t work, so best to sit back and defend, and hit on the counter. The front line and outside midfield has some speed, so use it. It is one thing to have possession, but it is another to have meaningful possession. Currently, the team has the former.
It may be worth bunkering down with eight men behind the ball, hit on the counter, and do some “smash and grab” jobs. Now, there is only one reason that I should not be looked at as a candidate, and smart executives can see in the tactics who would be a better fit. Claudio Ranieri is available, so if he is under consideration, please pick him over me. He took a bunch of misfits and turned them into champions of England, despite 5,000 to 1 odds. And if the “Thinkerman” is being considered, I am also willing to play center back. I understand tracking runs, how to space out accordingly, when to pull the offsides trap. That seems it will be an improvement from Demidov. I may not be the best physical specimen, but I know the game well enough. Oh, and I also think that we should be pull at Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s heart strings.
NFL Changes Make the Game Better Thursday Night Football, Field Goal Shootouts, and the Mars Browns Chico Blanco Staff Writer
The National Football League is notorious for bad ideas about the rule changes. Most of that is in the fault of the Commissioner Roger Goodell. News flash Goodell: We don’t like Thursday Night Football you Donald Trump looking ass with the same hair color and style. Who in their right mind likes watching the Titans in the baby blue uniforms face the Jaguars in their puke green uniforms. Besides me. I like watching pointless games that usually have no big game feel. At the odd time
of Thursday, I can’t wait to just procrastinate some more and watch a game that has no effect on the team and just relax for the night. I also like seeing the crazy full colored uniforms. And the full white ones at home that Cincinnati and New Orleans had was brilliant. Really mixed things up a bit. Now this year instead of making games shorter and taking away commercials, they are going to add more. The theory is that they want to draw people in more and make them more excited that they have to stay tuned in. The new commercial will be right after the touchdown, to try and ice the kicker. So yes,
now there will be a commercial right after the touchdown, the point after and the kickoff. Yes, more commercials! A big rule change is that one in overtime. Everything in overtime is the same. Unless the game ends in a tie, since ties are unAmerican. If the game ends in a tie, it goes to a field goal kicks. It’s like soccer’s penalty kicks. You put the ball on a tee and have a list of 11 players to kick field goals. The kicker is (see what I did there?) that the kicker and the punter cannot be involved. Unless it’s Blair Walsh, then he can kick all of them. Whichever team has the most made kicks at the end wins the game.
Other big rule changes are on kickoffs. The first one is that if the kickoff goes through the field goal it is an added point to the team. This will also give a plus one in fantasy too. The ball then will be placed to where the ball was kicked from and the receiving team will have it there. So, kickers be careful. Second be change is that if the ball hits the field goal post, it can be caught and returned. It is still in debate if this is only for kickoffs or anytime the ball hits the uprights. Next big topic that of the offseason is the relocation of teams and free agency. Everyone as heard of the Chargers move to Los Angeles. LA hasn’t had
a football team since the Raiders moved to Oakland in 1994 and now they still don’t have a team, and now Raiders relocating to Las Vegas. Making four teams move since 2016, joining the Ram, Chargers and Browns. The Cleveland Browns were the latest team to move, and will be now called the Mars Browns. Yup, now moving to Mars effective immediately are the Browns. With the Browns now having Brock Osweiler as their quarterback this could be a good thing. He is freakishly tall at 6’7”, he is practically an alien. He is so tall that he is not getting enough oxygen and is getting all loopy and makes bad reads on Earth. Maybe
he will play better now that he is back on his home planet. Finally, free agency. No one wants to sign Adrian Peterson or Collin Kaepernick, well I got a solution for both. The Browns. They are already paying Osweiler huge contract he signed with Houston so come on over Peterson we will pay $8 million in your first year even though you are injury prone and 32 years old. Instead of beating your children you can beat these aliens. Kaep, we know you don’t like America so come to a whole new planet and get as far away as you can.
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THE SPECTRUM | SPORTS | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1776
BRITTANY HOFMANN | THE SPECTRUM
Werner may be done with basketball, but he is working on his tennis form.
Dexter Werner To Pursue New Sport Former basketball star takes center court on Pro Day
The Tank Engine Staff Writer
Over the years, many prominent NDSU studentathletes have gone on to play their sport in professional leagues. Football stars Carson Wentz, Marcus Williams and Billy Turner have made it to the NFL, to name a few. So too have stud basketball players Ben Woodside, Taylor Braun, and Lawrence Alexander, all of whom have played in European leagues. One sport though has noticeably never launched a pro career: NDSU’s tennis program. Dexter Werner is looking to change that. Werner took part in NDSU’s annual Pro Day on Wednesday, March 29th. Typically, the Pro Day is held for Bison football
players to showcase their skills for NFL scouts. This year, Werner played a match to dazzle the tennis scouts in attendance, surrounded by football drills being conducted around him. A court was outfitted specifically for Dexter to play on at the FargoDome. “We’ve never had a tennis player attempt to go pro, but we’re happy to aid Werner in his pursuits,” athletic director Matt Larsen stated. “Dexter has done so much for our department and our university, and we’re thrilled to be a part of the next chapter in his career,” Larsen said. The aspiring professional believes the performance went well. “All in all I think it was a good performance. I hope the scouts agree,” Werner commented. One scout in particular took notice of his skills, and how his basketball
background fit into his playing style. “His game is really powerful, it’s exactly like he played basketball. He serves with ferocity,” the scout said. On multiple occasions, Werner’s serve was clocked at over 100 miles per hour. American tennis icons Andy Roddick and John McEnroe even took notice, taking to Twitter to offer kind words. Tennis head coach Scott Jackson is proud to see his former player taking the next step. “Dexter has been a joy to coach. He came in as one of North Dakota’s best prospects, but he never let his ego get ahead of him. He was constantly looking to get better,” Jackson remarked. Werner twice won the state singles title at Bismarck High School. “My hope is that he is successful in whatever he pursues in life, be it tennis or otherwise. I’ll always
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have Dexter’s back,” the coach continued. Dave Richman, Werner’s basketball coach, shared Jackson’s sentiments, and wished Dexter the best. “I always say it, I am just really proud of our guys, and Dex is no exception to that. Dexter, he’s just a guy that makes winning play after winning play. I have no doubt in my mind that will serve him well in his tennis career, no pun intended,” Richman told the media after the news broke. Throughout his years at NDSU, Dexter Werner has compiled quite the athletic resume. On the hardwood, the 6’6” forward was a vital contributor to two Summit League champion teams, and was a member of the 2013-2014 squad which upset Oklahoma in the NCAA tournament. His prodigious basketball achievements
overshadowed his silently impressive Bison tennis career, though. Werner helped carry the tennis team to three Summit League titles, and won the 2012 doubles championship alongside fellow dual-sport student-athlete, Carlin Dupree. However, unlike basketball, tennis is not a revenue sport, and despite of their recent renaissance, the NDSU tennis matches seldom drew crowds of more than a few dozen. Tennis has yet to catch on among students and fans in the area. Jackson himself is even perplexed by the lack of interest among students and fans, but he offered a few explanations as to why that may be the case. “First off, North Dakota has never been known as a hotbed for
tennis development. We’ve enjoyed a great run of success over the past four, five years, but that isn’t typical,” he said. “Tennis is made for the outdoors, so our matches are played outside. But with North Dakota’s weather, the playing conditions are often less than ideal. The weather frequently cancels matches,” Jackson added. Seven matches last year were postponed due to high winds exceeding 35 miles per hour. While the ATP World Tour is far away, Dexter Werner’s Pro Day performance could get him there sooner than expected. Should that happen, tennis may very well become Fargo’s new favorite sport.
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THE SPECTRUM | NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY | SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1776
Carson Wentz Quits NFL, Seeks Substitute Teaching Positions Wentz finishes physical education degree, scouts F-M area subbing jobs NDSU Spectrum Contributing Writer
After a lackluster end to his rookie season, Carson Wentz is now facilitating dodgeball matches in FargoMoorhead high school gyms. Wentz, the 24-year-old washed-up quarterback from Bismarck, decided this off-season to hang up his cleats after an average first season with the Philadelphia Eagles. Instead of playing on Sundays, he’s been searching for weekday substitute teaching gigs. “I thank God for my NFL career,” Wentz said inside Shanley High School’s gymnasium, where teenagers were throwing objects at each other. “It was a great experience that also sucked a bit, especially at the end.” Wentz, who played all 16 games last season, led the team to a 4-0 start before only winning three more times in 12 games. That 7-9 record was the worst in the
NFC East. “I don’t do well with losing,” Wentz said, noting how the Bison of North Dakota State, like, never lost at all when he was around. “I figured our subpar performance was a sign that I should go back to school, finish my degree and start educating tomorrow’s future.” The Eagles signed Wentz to a $26 million contract before he could student teach last spring. He said he quietly enrolled at M-State to finish the needed classwork to get his degree. “They don’t have a football team at the tech school, so I didn’t get distracted,” Wentz said. Once he obtained his degree, the disappointed
redhead applied for a substitute license in North Dakota and Minnesota, which, since he has a pulse, he received. “And it’s been a wild ride ever since,” Wentz sighed, ignoring one of his students as she writhed in pain on the gym floor. “It’s always something different. Today, it’s dodgeball. Yesterday, it was cup stacking. “Tomorrow, it’ll probably be dodgeball.” Students seem equally ecstatic to have Mr. Wentz as a teacher. “He’s pretty tall,” Cami Carter, 14, said. “And he seems morbidly depressed.” Derek Donahugh, a 17-year-old junior, agreed.
“He’s one of the taller substitute teachers I’ve seen during my time within the Fargo Public School system,” Donahugh said. “And, without a doubt, he’s the saddest educator I’ve talked to.” Wentz’s height and melancholy serve him
well, at least according to Greg Grundahl, a full-time high school counselor at Moorhead High. “It’s nice to see Carson quickly adapt to the morose environment of 21st century K-12 education in America,” Grundahl said. “His NFL disappointments
will transition nicely into the classroom once he gets hired on a staff.” Wentz said he’s not up for any of the challenges. “I can’t wait to do this until I qualify for retirement at age 67,” he said, staring into the abyss of empty bleachers.
“And it’s been a wild ride ever since. It’s always something different. Today, it’s dodgeball. Yesterday, it was cup stacking. Tomorrow, it’ll probably be dodgeball.”
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