The Rectum | Mar. 31, 2016

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

VOLUME 119 ISSUE 45 NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

THE RECTUM NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY | THE APRIL FOOLS’ EDITION

Carson Wentz Makes Shocking Move Quarterback forgoes NFL Draft to join the ministry See pg. 11 FILE PHOTO | THE SPECTRUM

BIS

ON

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After a blessed Pro Day, Wentz decided that he would use his football talents to serve God.

Coach is the New Louis Vuitton EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM

NDSU President switching to Coach after controversy Crazy McCarty Co-Pilot

North Dakota State University president Dean Bresciani is changing his brand.

After spending over $8,300 on high-end Louis Vuitton products, Bresciani is down grading to Coach.

Though Bresciani’s Louis Vuitton purchases have been reimbursed through NDSU Foundations, problems still remain.

North Dakota Universty System chancellor Mark Hagerott said Bresciani’s blatant disregard for purchasing Coach and instead going for a higher brand could be in violation of NDUS policy.

“It is just utterly ridiculous. Why are we spending so much taxpayer money on Louis Vuitton when Coach can perform the same duties at a cheaper price,” state representative Roscoe Streyle (R-Minot) said.

Hagerott also said disciplinary action may be taken on Bresciani

April Fools’!

INSIDE

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should further investigation prove that Bresciani violated NDUS policy.

“It is just utterly ridiculous, why are we spending so much taxpayer money on Louis Vuitton when Coach can perform the same duties at a cheaper price,” state representative Roscoe Streyle (R., Minot) said.

Streyle has drafted a bill he says he will introduce in the next legislative session to prevent NDUS schools’ presidents from purchasing Louis Vuitton products and being reimbursed from their school’s

Once a year, The Spectrum produces a satirical April Fool’s Edition. The content of these pages is completely made up by Spectrum staff and intended to make you laugh.

ND candidate for governor says South Dakota ‘will pay for’ Dakota Wall

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Foundations group. He said the bill was entirely targeted at Bresciani.

North Dakota gubernatorial candidates Doug Burgum, Rick Becker and Wayne Stenehjem all said that Bresciani’s expenses were downright shameful, coming at a time when the North Dakota economy is in over a $1 billion deficit.

NDSU Media Relations Coordinator Sadie Rudolph said that Bresciani was not available to comment at press time.

A smaller news section covering student body presidential campaigns is included inside.

2 Fast, 2 Furious, 2 ‘Pac: NDSU Wind Symphony to perform with Tupac hologram

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Feminism solved in opinion section of local student newspaper

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News

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

PHOTO COURTESY | WIKIPEDIA

Local Geese Fire Back at Beet Plant

Moorhead’s air cannon to be met with tannerite, firecrackers

Crazy McCarty Co-Pilot

Fargo Police responded Saturday to reports of gunfire in north Fargo, only to learn the sounds were noisemakers of the Moorhead Crystal Sugar plant firing at geese to keep the animals away from beet piles.

“We were just minding our own business and then bam, loud noises,” Flappers

McDuck, a local goose, said.

McDuck is one of the many geese that were affected by the plant firing an air cannon to scare off geese.

Crystal Sugar wished to remove the geese from their property before health codes were violated and crops were destroyed.

However, local geese have teamed up and are creating a plan of revenge against Crystal Sugar.

“If the Fargo Police Department calls before our revenge, I would hate to be the dispatch right now.”

- Honkers Vonwings, local goose The geese, led by a mysterious goose called The Flying V have obtained high yield explosives and several

noisemakers.

The artillery acquired by the geese includes 5,000 pounds of tannerite, seven subwoofers to be hooked

up to an iPod playing bass heavy rock music on repeat and multiple strings of 2 million Blackcat firecrackers.

“If the Fargo Police Department got phone calls before our revenge, I would hate to be the dispatch now,” Honkers VonWings, a local goose, said.

In addition to explosives and noisemakers, the local geese are also increasing their amount of honking

and their production of fecal excretion on Crystal Sugar property.

“We didn’t expect it would come to this,” a Crystal Sugar spokeswoman said, adding, “We just wanted the geese off of our property.”

The local geese did not say what day they plan on disturbing Crystal Sugar, but did comment that the date will be within the next two weeks.

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THE SPECTRUM | NEWS | THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

Burgum: South Dakota ‘Will Pay For’ Dakota Wall

South Dakota governor threatens to ‘take the oil’ in response

Peso Maiero

Former Dishwasher

“We lose at the border.

We don’t win anymore.”

- Doug Burgum, GOP candidate for North Dakota governor

One of North Dakota’s three GOP candidates for governor has plans to wall off the state’s southern boundary if he is elected.

Computer guy Doug Burgum has promised a 360-mile long, 90-foot tall wall of steel, concrete and rebar to separate the two states. Doing so will ensure fairness and “winning” at the border, he said, more winning than North Dakota already has with its Dakota Magic Casino off Exit 1 on Interstate 29.

“We lose at the border,” Burgum said Wednesday in Fargo. “We don’t win anymore.”

The candidate added the state of South Dakota “will pay for this wall” through traffic tickets, interstate fishing licenses, tuition lost through North Dakota residents seeking education in South Dakota and taxes on South Dakota imports into North Dakota, including jam, potpourri baskets and farmers markets.

Burgum hasn’t given an exact estimate for the cost of the wall, just that it “will cost more if” his opponents, Attorney General Wayne Stenhjem or state Rep. Rick Becker (R-Bismarck),

build it.

“If they build it, it’ll be $200-300 billion,” he said.

“With me, you always get less.”

In response to Burgum’s inflammatory remarks, South Dakota Gov. Dennis Daugaard said Wednesday that “We’re not gonna pay for that f—king wall.”

Daugaard added if Burgum’s wall is built, South Dakota air strikes “will bomb (North Dakota’s) oil.”

“We gotta take the oil,” Daugaard said.

Burgum, when reached Wednesday night by phone for comment, said, “The wall just got 10 feet higher.

Believe me,” adding South Dakotans can paint murals on their side of the wall if they want something prettier to look at than their sad, unsuccessful selves.

Other North Dakota gubernatorial candidates were not so quick to renounce Burgum’s remarks

EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM

this week.

Becker said he “would have to do some more research” into Burgum’s border wall because he “really doesn’t know much about it.”

Stenhjem said he didn’t know what the hell was going on.

“Don’t we have, like, a $1 billion deficit right now?” he said.

Burgum said yes, we

do, and added entrance fees from South Dakotans granted access to the one rope leading over the wall from South Dakota into North Dakota would more than make up for the

billion-dollar shortfall.

“It’s just a matter of time. South Dakota will pay for this wall,” Burgum said Wednesday night from Home Depot’s concrete yard. “Believe me.”

Bresciani Conspires with Clinton in Deleted Emails NDSU President, presidential candidate chat about commencement plugs, free tuition Amanda From Minnesota News Writer #1

President Dean Bresciani has been discovered to be in cohorts with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a new email scandal.

Earlier this week, the Federal Bureau of Investigation contacted North Dakota State about the emails regarding campus and presidential election information, where upon Bresciani confessed.

Clinton denied the allegations, initially.

Clinton denied the allegations stating that she “never has contacted NDSU, nor would she be using her professional email if she did.”

She then retracted her initial statement and said that “all the messages had been professional and to assist NDSU.” Bresciani said in his public statement that he was thinking about running for president, since he was

already the president of NDSU. The emails entailed details about NDSU financing, Chelsea Clinton and free tuition for some students. Clinton wanted NDSU to host her daughter, Chelsea, as a keynote speaker at graduation, where she would focus on her mother’s run for president.

Clinton stated her desire in her email that she wished for NDSU to give free tuition to all students from the East Coast.

Bresciani said he concurs to giving free tuition to all students from the East Coast as long as Clinton started donating $500,000 federal dollars as president to the school each year.

Clinton is still hoping that Chelsea Clinton will be the keynote speaker at graduation, although there were no comments about the donations she may have made to NDSU. Bresciani said nothing about running for president, noting that

all the emails had somehow been deleted.

Although the emails had been deleted out of the inbox, both forgot to clear their deleted section of the email, and the FBI is slowly recovering the emails from the deleted box.

Bresciani and Clinton had exchanged nearly 40,000 emails in the eightmonth period. Most of the earlier emails are missing due to automatic clearing of deleted inboxes every 29 days.

Bresciani had no comment on the nature of the emails but said in his press release that “no one was fired” because of the emails.

Clinton is not worried since her previous email scandal had finally blown over and she said people will “forget about this incident” as well.

The FBI found out about the emails after Bresciani accidently hit the reply all button during an unrelated email thread.

Erica Nitschke Editor in Chief editor@ndsuspectrum.com Jack Dura Head News Editor head.news@ndsuspectrum.com Casey McCarty Co News Editor co.news@ndsuspectrum.com Rio Bergh Features Editor features@ndsuspectrum.com Jack Hastings A&E Editor ae@ndsuspectrum.com Erik Jonasson Opinion Editor opinion@ndsuspectrum.com Pace Maier Sports Editor sports@ndsuspectrum.com

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Features

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

FARGO FASHION

Popped Collars the Hottest New Look

Move aside, bell-bottoms and Hawaiian shirts; there’s a new kid on the block Kinky on lease (Keyona Elkins) Contributing Writer

Do you ever stare into your closet in the morning, thinking, “If only there was an easy way to look super fly every day?” Well, there is. All it takes is a polo shirt (or ten) and a flick of the wrist.

Popped collars first hit it big in the ‘80s, which is arguably fashion’s greatest decade. (Honestly, is anything classier than shoulder pads, legwarmers and neon? No.) They were an essential part of the decade’s popular preppy look, but reappeared with a more mainstream twist in the early-2000s.

Some have ignorantly labeled upturned collars one of the most embarrassing and regretful fads of the time, but these naysayers just haven’t yet seen how modern and sleek they can look when paired with other timeless fashion, pieces such as harem pants, nylon windbreakers and Crocs. The fashion world, however, has seen

the light and could not be more pleased with the latest popped collar comeback.

Almost every major designer (Mark Jacobs, Dior, Burberry, Prada, Gucci, Luis Vuitton and Ralph Lauren, just to name a few) has declared the popped collar a musthave look for summer, so you’re bound to start spotting them on all your favorite celebrities. But don’t wait for Kendall, J. Law and T. Swift to be seen in the trend before you try it out. Regular men and women alike are now being enlightened by how this easy styling trick can instantly make them look ten times cooler.

You’re going to want to stock up on polos and other collared shirts so you can layer them because the look is so much more fun with multiple collars popped.

Aim for as many upturned collars as you can wear, even if it adds a lot of bulk to your torso; no one will care if you look fat because they’ll be so enamored with your impressive collar stacking skills.

If you really don’t like the bulk or heat of layered shirts, you can add a clipon popped collar to any shirt you choose. Stores are stocking them in every color imaginable, and you can choose any number of layers from the classic single collar clip-on to the daring 20-layer pop. One upturned collar looks sharp, but if you really want to look confident and cool, aim for a minimum of six.

Piling on the pops can push you from simply being on trend to looking like you really know about fashion.

Popped collars are predicted to follow in the footsteps of the skinny jean, starting as a trend but getting so much love that they become a staple of everyone’s wardrobes.

This look that used to be associated only with arrogant douchebags is basically becoming the fashion equivalent of the little black dress.

So when in doubt about what to wear to church or class or a rave, you can take comfort knowing that all you have to do to look awesome is pop the colla’.

KEYONA ELKINS | THE SPECTRUM

Sport no less than six popped collars if you want to look truly fly this season.

Ask a Grime Choked Bar Grime Choked Bar (Rio Bergh)

Features Editor/Tweed Wearer

To clarify, I am not a grime choked bar, I’m actually a human being.

It’s just that I spend a significant amount of time in a grime choked bar and stale peanuts and spilled beer have become an important part of my identity.

Sometimes people question my right to dispense advice to other people, but I have a foolproof way to establish my authority. I wear tweed.

Lots of tweed. I hope you are both impressed by my obvious intellect, and reassured about the quality of my advice.

So, without further ado, here we go.

I hate my professor. What do I do?

Your best bet is intimidation. Professors generally respond well to angry yelling, but if that doesn’t work, you could resort to veiled threats. As a last resort, you could fall back on plan B: send the renegade bus that has been squashing students after your professor—cancelled class for the rest of the

semester!

There is this girl in my class that I like, but am too scared to talk to. What should I do? I’m afraid I will be alone forever.

Sit directly behind her, and aggressively challenge everything she says in class.

When she starts turning around to acknowledge your existence, you know you’ve made it. It might seem like she hates you, but that totally isn’t the case—she’ll love the fact that you constantly try to tear her down. Remember, the way to a girl’s heart is to be psychologically

manipulative. It makes you a total bad boy, and everyone knows bad boys make it with the ladies.

My sponges keep growing mold, and I don’t know what to do with them.

Throw them out, you dolt! Good God, do you just live in a pile of moldy sponges, constantly wondering what to do about them? I wouldn’t be surprised if you couldn’t tie your shoes, you absolute barbarian. Or spray them down with vinegar to keep the mold from forming in the first place. Yeesh. The stupidity boggles the mind.

My French professor is really attractive, and instead of paying attention in class, I keep having fantasies about her. Help!

Instead of writing your next essay in broken French, go for some smoothly written erotica, with an opening scene where you stop by her office to discuss your paper.

There is literally no way you can go wrong with this.

The next step is to make an appointment to actually go to her office.

As usual, I am astounded by the stupidity of all of

your questions. I mean, isn’t the solution to all of these problems incredibly obvious? Not the solutions I gave above—those are nuanced and require training and tweed. But there is a simple solution to every single problem listed above. Have another drink.

Drink away the sorrow due to your hated professor, your unrequited love for a girl, your moldy sponges and your longing for a French professor.

Speaking of which, after answering all of these questions, I need another drink. Catch y’all on the flip side.

Identity Crisis: Bison Nation

Differences in dialect threaten NDSU camaraderie

Madison Schill

Contributing Writer

Jack Hastings A&E Editor

Attention Bison Nation: our esteemed university is facing a startling pandemic.

We have been faced with a controversy of epic proportions.

This controversy has plagued Bison Nation, or shall I say bison nation, for decades upon decades. It is something that linguists have been confounded by, going

from end to end of our great nation trying to find a reasonable conclusion.

This unparalleled conflict has caused tensions to arise among members our own student body and has even threatened to tear our city of Fargo apart.

So how do you say it, bison or bison?

As many are aware, there are two distinct ways in which bison is spoken.

People who grew up around the Fargo Moorhead area or people who follow NDSU athletics tend to pronounce the mascot’s name as bison.

Oppositely those from

other regions of the country pronounce the word in a way that sounds foreign to us FM residents – bison.

To get to the root of this baffling conundrum, we took it into our hands to listen to the voices of the people and see which side they viewed as superior.

Linguists are very familiar with other pronunciation phenomena similar to bison and bison, such as potato or potato, tomato or tomato, pecan or pecan, caramel or caramel, and couch or couch.

Duke of Kindred, MN, who feels a little

uncomfortable discussing such a controversial issue publicly, wishes for his identity to remain anonymous.

When asked about where he stands on the issue, Duke responded, “Well, since I grew up watching the bison they’ve always been the bison in my heart. I mean I won’t judge anyone if they pronounce it bison, but I do think it sounds a little weird.”

Another NDSU student held a different opinion on the topic.

Katherine from New York City, unlike Duke,

feels more comfortable speaking openly about the controversy. She had something very different to say.

“I don’t even know why this is still an issue.

You North Dakotans are a different breed. I don’t know why you say bison when it’s clearly bison. Get your act together and jump on board with the rest of the country.”

After receiving split results from our field work, we decided to approach the head honcho himself, California native Dean

Bresciani.

“Guys, say it how you want, bison, bison who cares. What really matters is that we are all one big family,” Bresciani said before hopping onto his private jet.

Well there you have it folks, we are just as disappointed as you that we were unable to put an end to this debilitating debate.

So however you say it, just remember we are all members of one great Bison Nation, or Bison Nation.

Anyways, you know what they say, potato potato. ;)

The Rectum

NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY | FOR THE LAND AND ITS PEOPLE

Nick Evans and Calla Price (left) and Tyler Losinski and Charles Steinberger (right) represent very different options for student body president and vice president.

ERICA NITSCHKE | THE SPECTRUM

Growth Drives Evans and Price Chuck & Chaka Campaign Safety, outreach, experience comprise platform Highlights Safety, Technology Jack Dura

Head News Editor

Nick Evans and Calla Price decided to run for student body president and VP over five months ago.

The pair is one of four tickets vying for the presidential roles in 2016’s student body elections.

Evans and Price bring a message of growth in their campaign, from increasing student safety surrounding transportation to sexual assault prevention, to connecting with the FargoMoorhead community, to championing student involvement transcripts.

“We feel like with President Bresciani’s vision of growing NDSU’s student body to 18,000 students, our growth is a really great theme for student leadership on campus at this time,” said presidential candidate Price, a senior in finance.

Student safety

A three-point platform of student safety, community outreach and student life guides Evans and Price’s campaign. The first point covers awareness of traffic on campus, from bikes the longboards.

“There’s a lot more traffic on our sidewalks, and the big thing we want to do here is inform students how to properly ride a bike on a sidewalk,” Evans said, adding more training or an educational component prior to bike checkout are potential.

Safety also extends to sexual assault prevention and bystander intervention, Price said, adding students should get behind the training they receive rather than groaning.

“You could possibly be saving someone’s life by doing it,” she said, adding speakers and student voices could further bolster the training.

A walkthrough in active shooter training is also under Evans and Price’s first platform point, training that Evans said he valued receiving from a recent internship.

“We want to offer this sense of security by offering this resource,” Evans said, adding their ticket will promote North

“Our growth is a really great theme for student leadership on campus at this time.”

- Nick Evans, student body president candidate Dakota State’s current active shooter training video, something he said students are likely unaware of as a resource.

Community outreach

Creating a relationship with Fargo-Moorhead leaders is a line under Evans and Price’s second point of community outreach.

“We want to work with ... city commission and have someone who’s on that board ... whenever they meet, we want someone there,” Price said, adding homecoming and downtown parking are two areas to collaborate on with the city.

Working with the city commission, Downtown Community Partnership and others is something new for this election cycle, as Price said “that relationship hasn’t been there for, gosh, three, four years ago.”

Community outreach would also extend to Bismarck, where the state legislature is set to meet in January.

Evans said his and Price’s combined six years in student government, more than any other ticket running, makes them uniquely qualified for this platform point.

“We’ve seen multiple sessions through the legislature and ... we’ve seen what makes certain lobbyists successful and not,” he said.

Evans and Price also support a North Dakota Supreme Court ruling on NDSU Police jurisdiction, and would strive for making “students feel safe.”

Student life

Intrusive advising guides part of Evans and Price’s last platform point.

“We’d like to see all departments and all colleges take that into their advising model,” Price said, adding advising is “more than just classes.”

Advising should extending to career advice and extracurricular involvement, Price said,

thus maximizing advising potential.

Student involvement transcripts are another pillar of student life, the pair said.

“This is something the Union has been working on for a number of years,” Evans said, “but it’s getting to the point where it has to clear one more IT hurdle and then it’s good to go, and we would like to put the full weight of student government behind it ... when it clears that hurdle.”

Student involvement transcripts would highlight skills and traits of each student organization, Price said, thus supplementing a student’s academic transcript with their extracurricular involvement.

“It could lead you to a job,” Evans said.

Election 2016

With four tickets in the race, Evans and Price said that’s “never gonna be a bad thing”; in fact, it could help voter turnout. Last year’s student body elections saw approximately 13 percent of students vote.

Contact tables are a big highlight already, they said, as students notice people who are “making a fuss” about something.

“I think we’re going to see a higher turnout,” Price said, adding, “More competition is only going to make our platform stronger. ... We have to make sure we’re the best.”

“It’s really hard to tell, to be honest,” Evans said about voter turnout.

The pair also said the two-week campaign is long enough, as anything longer would be hard on finances and potentially annoying to students who may feel campaigns are wearing long.

“It’s long enough.

We’re able to assemble our campaign teams beforehand and schedule visits beforehand. ... As long as you do your work ahead of time, I feel two weeks is enough,” Evans said.

Losinski, Steinberger offer different perspective

Casey McCarty Co-News Editor

They call themselves the blue-collar ticket.

Tyler Losinski and Charles Steinberger, also known around campus as Chuck and Chaka, respectively, are one of the four tickets for North Dakota State student body president and vice president.

Losinski is a junior majoring in computer science. Steinberger is a junior majoring in agribusiness.

The Chuck & Chaka campaign focuses on three points: safety, technology and student focus.

Safety

The first focus of Losinski and Steinberger’s campaign point on safety is improving lighting around campus.

Steinberger said he walked from the Mathew Living Learning Center to Niskanen in fall 2015 in darkness.

“I feel like if something would have happened I could have defended myself, but I’m not so sure about other people,” Steinberger said.

Losinski said rape is another thing that they wish to prevent on campus, citing the current Clothesline Project exhibit in the MU Gallery about rape.

Steinberger said the campus emergency notification system should also be improved, saying students have told him there should have been an emergency text during the Feb. 10-11 standoff in downtown Fargo in which Fargo Police Officer Jason

Moszer was shot and killed.

“It’s better to have something over-utilized and then compared to something underutilized,” Steinberger said.

Technology

Losinski, a computer science major, said he has an advantage with technology systems around campus.

“I cannot tell you the number of student’s who I’ve heard say that the WiFi is just the worst thing in the world,” Losinski said.

Losinski added he would like to see the campus Wi-Fi be improved or worked on in the direction of being improved.

Another concern for Losinski and Steinberger regarding technology would be campus printing.

Losinski said the two would like to see the ability for students to connect their own computer to a campus printer become available, so students “don’t have to wait forever for a computer to be available to print stuff.”

Software availability, Losinski said, is also a concern. He said he wishes that students were more aware of all the free software available to them, as he did not know of the “hundreds of thousands of dollars of software” he could get for free until he was a sophomore.

Steinberger said that Mac-friendliness is a final technological concern.

“I couldn’t connect my computer to the printing because it didn’t work with Mac,” Steinberger said, adding that he wanted to make sure that students do not get left behind just because they have an Apple

product.

Student focus

Neither Losinski or Steinberger are a part of Greek life, which they say offers opportunities to increase outreach to students who aren’t either.

One example to improve outreach to nonGreek students would be to contact resident halls’ hall governments, the duo said, as most freshmen do not know who their student senators are.

Hosting a student government barbecue is another idea, Steinberger and Losinski said, hoping to get students to know their student senators so that they do not have to go into the student government office with a concern while unaware of who their senators are.

Election 2016

“It’s been a good time,” Losinski said about his current campaign for student body president.

The pair said they were enjoying themselves, though they did not have the resources that other campaigns have.

Steinberger said they are making the most out of what they have, which includes word-of-mouth, Facebook sharing and a cage they had in Memorial Union.

On the length of campaign time, Losinski said that “there’s some serious voter fatigue,” adding that voters after two weeks say things along the lines of, “I have twenty of your buttons, I don’t need anymore of these buttons.”

Steinberger added students should “get interested in the candidates and find one you like and vote for them.”

2

THE SPECTRUM | NEWS | THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

Student Body Presidential Candidates Debate for the First Time Tuesday

In A Nutshell

ERICA NITSCHKE | THE SPECTRUM

Jack Dura

Head News Editor

CENS Alert Sent During Disturbance Near Research Park

Nick Evans and Calla Price

Spencer Moir and Anuj Teotia

At 12:30 a.m. Tuesday morning, Fargo and NDSU Police responded to a call of a disturbance at the Candlewood Suites on 19th Avenue North near the North Dakota State’s Research and Technology Park, a campus Listserv reported.

A Candlewood Suites resident called 911 reporting an armed man wearing a bulletproof vest, but added he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, The Forum reported.

Police set up a perimeter while residents were evacuated from the hotel’s third floor.

Police were able to talk the caller out of his room. He was brought to a hospital for an evaluation.

The situation was resolved just after 5:30 a.m.

Tuesday, the Listserv said.

Ceres Hall Project Ahead of Schedule An ongoing tuckpointing project on the exterior of Ceres Hall

is three weeks ahead of schedule due to nice weather, facilities management said in an email.

The “dusty job” of cutting off mortar joints is the latest task in the project expected to be completed in mid-summer, facilities management said.

After Ceres Hall is washed and its mortar samples are approved, the contractor will start pointing the mortar joints and replacing bricks and stone where needed.

Dust from the project set off the building’s smoke detectors multiple times this month, prompting calls from Fargo Fire and an evacuation of the building.

No New Guidance in Budget Cuts

In the wake of February’s budget cuts to campus following a state shortfall of $1.1 billion due to slumping oil and agricultural commodities, North Dakota State has received no new guidance for the 2017-19 budget, President Dean Bresciani said in a Listserv on Tuesday.

A budget study group headed by Provost Beth Ingram will continue to analyze allotment

recommendations, Bresciani said.

The president also included a link in his email to an anonymous survey for students to submit suggestions.

Bresciani added the Higher Learning Commission found NDSU “in good financial shape” after the university cut $6.4 million in delayed and reevaluated funding in its 2015-17 budget.

Birdhouse Display Wraps Up Friday

Thirty-nine architecture students’ birdhouse projects are on display until Friday at the Plains Art Museum, showcasing their architectural talents, NDSU reported.

Awards range from “Best Translation of the Pritzker Architect’s Design Philosophy” to “House Best Suited for Bird Species” to “People’s Choice for Best Overall Design.” The public is encouraged to vote for the latter.

The competition is in its seventh year and is organized by three architecture professors.

The Plains Art Museum is at 704 First Ave. N. in downtown Fargo.

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THE SPECTRUM | FEATURES | THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

Thoughts From Under a Bus

Reports on ongoing crisis regarding a rampaging bus

Grime Choked Bar

Features Editor/Stale peanut connoisseaur

The MAT buses have been known for years of faithful, dependable service, regularly transporting students to their classes with wonderful efficiency.

However, I am sorry to report that one of the buses has totally flipped its lid.

Wigged out. Gone bananas.

Apparently, an ungrateful student boarded the bus with complete and utter indifference and absolutely no appreciation for the service. It was the last straw for the bus, which completely lost it and is now on a murderous rampage.

How the bus gained its own consciousness is unknown, but computer scientists working on artificial intelligence in the Quentin Burdick Building are suspected. Regardless, university police have told the student population to remain calm, as they are tracking the bus and are armed with heavy-duty tranquilizers.

However, this is of little comfort to me, as I just recently witnessed the demise of an unfortunate student.

I was making my way from the library to the STEM building, when I saw a student go pelting by on a longboard. I briefly wondered why he was going so fast, but then I saw the bus in hot pursuit. It was roaring and belching black smoke, it had blood spatters all over it, along with the scarf of some unfortunate person hanging from its mirror.

The bus caught him at the corner. Noooooo he yelled as he went down, but the bus was merciless. It ran him down, then reversed and ran him down again.

Twice.

While the bus was distracted with the student it was mauling, I sprinted to the STEM building, where I am currently writing this. I have been wondering what the students last thoughts were, and have concluded that they went something like this: Pant, puff, gasp. Must escape this crazy bus. Is that a pothole? I’m going to hit it. Oh crap. (Crunch). Well, this is horribly unfortunate.

(Reverse, crunch). Hey there’s the sunlight again!

(Crunch). Oh, it’s gone again. (Reverse, crunch).

My only regret is that my

last meal was two cubic yards of bus smoke. (Crunch).

Ignominiously, the student expired.

Horribly unfortunate, that.

I am afraid for my life and don’t want to leave the building, as the bus

The murderous bus takes a quick breather outside of the STEM building after mauling several students and the writer.

World’s Hardest Sudoku Puzzle Created by Finnish Mathematician Arto Inkala

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Healthy Herd | Insta-enema The end to your search for the perfect diet

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Do you live for those late night trips to Taco Bell for some greasy quesadillas? When you go on road trips, do you look forward to hitting every gas station and fast food joint along the way to compare their gloriously greasy food? Do these words speak to your heart? If so, than you are most likely a college student, or the average adult.

When you go into a restaurant and sit down with your food, you might feel like a 4 year old with a happy meal (if you didn’t actually get one). But after you come off of your cloud and begin to feel the effects of the food and slowly slip into a french fry and

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super-mega-jumbo burger (with onion rings) induced coma, you feel guilt—and maybe the pressure to go work it off. You question whether it was worth it (yes, even though it now feels like a bowling ball in your stomach) and swear to never eat fast food again (for a week).

Well, worry no more!

NDSU Dietetics students have been doing extensive research based on the diet of the average college kid. They have discovered that you can eat all the greasy, fatty food that you want. You can eat it in the morning, for a snack, for every meal of the day and you won’t gain an ounce!

There is only one condition.

Just pop one pill of “Insta-enema” before your meal! This formula is a carefully developed proprietary blend of

gasoline, aspartame, nuclear sewage, and tar.

It’s completely harmless and perfectly healthy. It’s basically natural.

“Insta-enema” goes on sale this Friday, April 1.

Buy the first bottle, get the second one free. Don’t miss this great deal and limited offer.

Contact a doctor if you experience any problems. A few of the side effects are projectile vomiting, violent diarrhea, intestinal bleeding, constipation (followed by explosive diarrhea), extreme headaches, severe stomach pains, lack of concentration, bingewatching Netflix, bad grades, flat tires, coronary heart disease, lack of ambition, heart attack, no friends, Crohn’s disease, and many more stomach, brain, and heart disorders.

6 THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

Arts & Entertainment

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

Too Fast, Too Furious, Too ‘Pac

NDSU Wind Symphony to perform with Tupac hologram

Jack Hastings A&E Editor

After a successful run of concerts, North Dakota State’s wind symphony has announced what is in store for their next season of performances.

A statement was just recently released revealing that the ensemble will be performing a series of shows with the Tupac hologram.

The announcement is highly anticipated as many rumors have been floating around regarding what the university’s musical ensemble has in store.

Reports of an animated concert in the works and a eulogy to denim have all been acquired through a trustworthy anonymous source, though none of which were ever confirmed.

The upcoming run of concerts is under the working title of “Too Fast, Too Furious, Too ‘Pac,” a tribute to the acclaimed rapper and the musical achievements of the “Fast and Furious” franchise.

This concert has been a dream in the making ever

since the Tupac hologram made its debut at the Coachella music festival in 2012.

“We have always felt that this was the next big step for our ensemble to take our skill and reputation to the next level. It’s just so unbelievable that it is actually happening. It truly is a blessing to share our stage with hologram Tupac,” said a member of the Wind Symphony.

The set list for “Too Fast, Too Furious, Too ‘Pac” is still under work, but the wind symphony is set to cover all the hits along with some deep cuts.

The symphony has been heavily preparing for their rendition of Tupac’s 1995 hit, “California Love.” The performance will feature a piano soloist elegantly laying the foundation for hologram Tupac to spit some rhymes and the brass section will be getting all kinds of funky.

This is only the first of many concerts to be enhanced by hologram performances. NDSU Performing Arts is in the process of securing hologram Sir Mix-A-Lot,

“It truly is a blessing to share our stage with hologram Tupac.”

- Wind symphony musician

Hologram Tupac will be making his NDSU symphony debut in the spring. hologram Mariska Hargitay and hologram Aaron Carter for future concerts.

The human hologram production company Digital Domain has several other performers in development.

“I guess this is something people like,” A spokesperson for Digital Domain said. “Tupac was a good success but we are moving on to bigger and better artists. I think we

have the Celtic Women under development or something.”

The NDSU University Band’s “Too Fast, Too Furious, Too ‘Pac” concert in collaboration

EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM

with hologram Tupac is scheduled for 7:30 p.m.

April 14. Following the concert, the University Band will go on to headline Coachella April 15-17 and 22-24.

Simple Designs Elicit Emotion, Interest in Gallery Memorial Union Gallery opens show with shocking new pieces Paige Johnson Staff Writer

This past week, the Memorial Union Gallery opened a show with the latest in modern art. These pieces are piquing the interest of students and community members alike, especially due to their simple colors.

The newest collection in

the Memorial Union Gallery features pieces of work that are completely unique to the art world. All the art pieces featured are entirely white.

Modern art has been producing riveting pieces highlighting the simple colors of the visible spectrum. Canvases boasting only blues, greens, and reds have been dominating the art scene lately, and finally, white

has taken its place in the galleries.

“The pieces in this show challenge how people view the world around them, and forces us to think in a nonlinear pattern,” said a spokesperson for the Memorial Union Gallery.

“Rather than seeing a plain white canvas, we encourage patrons to see a snowcovered field or a perfectly alabaster cloud.”

Not only is the Memorial Union Gallery excited about the newest pieces, but students are intrigued by this fascinating trend as well.

“I used to think that modern art was so simple.

Like, I could do it,” said one freshman. “But after seeing the pieces at the Memorial Union, I realize it’s so much more!”

Many people hold

the same opinions of this freshman. Modern art often gets criticized for its lack of originality and style. Popular artists like Jack Pollock and Pieter Mondrian are some of the artists who are used as examples in this fight for what the true definition of art is. And now, NDSU is taking its place in the battle.

“Art is a reflection of the individual,” said a faculty

member within the division of fine arts. “In this case, the blank canvases are reflecting our students, their souls. Expansive. With so much potential.”

The show will be on view at the Gallery until the end of this semester. It is free and open to the public during regular business hours. It’s unique approach to what some may not consider art makes it a must see this spring semester.

Bible Study Seeks Students’ Fellowship, Souls Weekly study group offers free pizza, spiritual slavery

Christian Weber Contributing Writer

“Despite our differences, I respect him. I admire his faith, even if he’s completely wrong and in danger of eternal torment on some issues,” – Father Richard Ramirez

A weekly Bible study group, formed by North Dakota State students and local religious leaders in February, is seeking interested students.

“Our goal here is to promote friendship and understanding in the NDSU community,” said Reverend Jim Jones, a founding member. “Also, it’s really, really important to us that you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

“He’ll change your life.”

Jones, in cooperation with an interdenominational group of local pastors, began discussing the idea in January.

“I think it was my response to the way a lot of Bible groups and churches alienate people, you know?

They come on too strong,” SYDNEY MISSIONARY BIBLE COLLEGE | PHOTO COURTESY Jones said. “But, ever A recently formed campus bible study emphasizes collaboration and obedience. since I surrendered my life

to the Lord Jesus Christ, which fulfilled my purpose on Earth and ensured me eternal life in Heaven, I’ve known that ‘church talk’ doesn’t reach most people.”

The group emphasizes dialogue and mutual respect among people with different ideas and beliefs.

Father Richard Ramirez, a priest at the Cathedral of Saint Mary and an early member of the group, believes contrasting views can be resolved through discussion.

“Reverend Jones has an evangelical background, and I have a Roman Catholic background. Despite our differences, I respect him. I admire his faith, even if he’s completely wrong and in danger of eternal torment on some issues,” Ramirez said.

Students involved with the group agree it promotes spiritual growth in a gentle, inclusive way.

“It’s just a laid back atmosphere,” said Susan Atkins, a recent attendee.

“I’ve learned a lot. Before I started going, I had no idea smoking, drinking, gambling, red meat, oversleeping, backgammon and Biology 150 would keep me from getting into Heaven to be with Jesus. It was really eye-opening.”

“There’s no condemnation, either,” Atkins said. “Last week we had an atheist student come in and we made sure to tell him he was totally wrong and definitely going to suffer in Hell in a kind, nonjudgmental way.”

“We’d be delighted to see you and get a chance to talk to you before the semester ends,” Jones said.

“All you need to bring to your first meeting is a Bible, $50 in cash, a valid nine-digit Social Security number and an open mind.”

“Everyone’s welcome,” Jones said. Interested students may contact Reverend Jones at revjones@heavensgate.org.

The Rectum It’s All Inside

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THE SPECTRUM | A&E | THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

Hillary Clinton on Beyoncé’s Newest Album Democratic candidate hopes to sway millennial votes Andrew Fugleberg Staff Writer

The critically acclaimed, Grammyaward winning artist Beyoncé Knowles will be releasing an album soon.

Dropping after her single “Formation” caused waves to ripple across the nation.

The singer has never shied away from controversy or collaborations, and this newest album is no different.

Hillary Rodham Clinton, 2016 Democratic frontrunner, has recorded a song with Beyoncé for the artist’s upcoming album.

Once Hillary Clinton realized millennials would automatically associate anyone with Beyoncé as cool, her campaign team jumped at the chance to boost her numbers in the polls.

Inside sources state that a member of Hillary’s promotional team reached out to the “Single Ladies” singer with $438 million in an attempt to collaborate.

Despite the fact that Hillary, like most presidential candidates, cannot sing any better than a tone-deaf infant, many

“YAAASSS!” - Hillary Clinton presume that she will have a chance to showcase her marginally better rapping abilities. Producers are expected to just record Hillary speaking the words, then digitally speeding them up and adding a back beat in the studio.

When asked about her newest endeavor, Hillary said she was “pumped up for this ‘on fleek’ opportunity to work with her bae.”

“I literally can’t even”, shouted Clinton once she left the studio with Beyoncé after an intense recording session. “Yaaas!”

When Beyoncé was questioned on what her collaboration with Clinton means, she responded “¯\_(^^)_/¯ $$$.” Many presume that this statement means: “I don’t really care that much, I’m getting a lot of money”.

Although Beyoncé hasn’t officially endorsed Hillary for president yet, this song is definitely a clue that Beyoncé might be rooting for Clinton in the coming months. If Queen B officially backs

Hillary Clinton, then many millennial democratic voters will have a tough decision to make between their current favorite, Bernie Sanders, and Beyoncé’s favorite.

This announcement surprised many people, especially after Beyoncé made a reference to the Bill Clinton sex scandal in her song “Partition” that came out in 2013. The exact lyrics mention Monica Lewinsky’s name and take a dig at the relationship between the former president and the White House intern.

When asked about the previous Beyoncé controversy, Clinton said articulated through clenched teeth, “Oh, I know my girl was just playing around,” followed by an over-the-top laugh.

Beyoncé’s sixth studio album is expected to be a critical darling, earning praise across the country.

Unfortunately, the track Clinton has her cameo on is set to be the most unpopular song on the album.

NDSU Dining is adding Bloody Marys to their all-day breakfast menu.

NDSU Dining Introduces

All-Day Breakfast, Bloody Marys Changes come in response to recent student poll.

Christian Weber Contributing Writer

Starting Friday, all three North Dakota State dining centers will begin serving breakfast, accompanied by all-you-can-drink Bloody Marys, throughout the day.

These changes resulted from a recent student poll, in which an overwhelming 104 percent of respondents supported an initiative to bring all-day breakfast and cocktails to NDSU. The decision was unanimous causing dining center reform to be implemented immediately.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Martha Williams, manager at the EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM

Hillary Clinton is one of the anticipated collaborators on Beyoncé’s forthcoming album.

KNDS DJs: ‘Please Acknowledge Our Existence’ Station still living in basement of some man’s home

J-Rad Bones

Contributing Writer

Another cockroach scuttles across the sound board during Marlana Berlingcrum’s radio show, hurdling over rows of volume sliders. The veteran DJ is unfazed, continuing her on-air spiel about some indie band you’ve never heard of.

“I’ve had a show at KNDS for four years, including two here in this cellar,” the senior majoring in broadcast journalism said. “If I were to stop every time I saw a critter, we’d have dead air. Lots of it.”

Berlingcrum and her fellow DJs have endured Vitamin D-deficiencies and further obscurity ever since KNDS 96.3 FM relocated to the basement of a downtown building nearly two years ago.

“Relocated isn’t the word I’d use to describe it,” Berlingcrum said. “We were evicted.”

In the summer of 2014, North Dakota State finalized a plan to tear down KNDS’ old studio,

located south of the Alumni Center and, more importantly, north of the Turf.

“The old studio had asbestos spewing out the walls,” said Mitch Tellingsen, campus building manager. “We had to tear it down. We paved paradise to put up a parking lot. Oooh, bop bop bop.”

Doctors, health advocates and people named Doug on commercials agree: asbestos is bad for you.

“If we hadn’t torn it down, NDSU would be paying mesothelioma lawsuits up the wazoo,” Tellingsen said. “Imagine the infomercials: ‘Attention, senior citizens!

Did you or a loved one ever work as a KNDS DJ at NDSU? If so, your family may be entitled to monetary compensation!’ We can’t afford that. We’re already running a deficit.”

KNDS was effectively homeless. Mary Moses, the station’s general manager, said she and her flock have been trying to return to the promised lands of campus ever since.

“The only reason

people know BIN exists is because of its high visibility location,” Moses said. “You can’t really see a basement.”

Shawn Gerund owns the basement and the rest of the building, which also houses a newspaper and hairdressing salon. The wide-eyed and bespectacled Renaissance man also lives up the stairs of the studio.

“The radio waves transmitted from the station get me on this ultralight beam,” Gerund said.

“Synergy.”

Moses said she is tired of new-age words tossed around un-ironically and literally being underground.

“Find a place for us back on campus, for real” she said, noting many false hopes that have been unfruitful.

KNDS thought it might have found a ticket back on campus with the C.I. Nelson Building. That building was subsequently torn down.

“Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone?”

Tellingsen said. “We paved paradise and put up a parking lot.”

WILLIAM CLIFFORD | PHOTO COURTESY

Residence Dining Center.

“I used to get asked all the time: ‘Where’s the pancakes?’ ‘Where’s the spicy adult beverages?’

So, I’m glad Dining came through with this.”

“Plus, Bloody Mary pitchers are half-price from five to eight,” Williams added.

Students largely applauded the changes.

“Man, there’s no place in town I can get a plate of bacon, a stack of cakes and bottomless Bloody Marys at two in the afternoon,” said an NDSU sophomore. “This is some died-and-gone-toHeaven type s—t.”

However, not all reactions have been positive. Some faculty have

condemned the changes, arguing they may have a negative effect on students.

“This is unacceptable.

We can’t let them serve breakfast foods and Bloody Marys from morning till night. I have no doubt this will affect academic performance,” said a wet blanket in administration.

“What’s next, free condoms in the Wellness Center?”

Despite some negative reactions from lame wads, Williams remains optimistic. “Before the changes were implemented, we were really only busy during lunch and dinner.

Now, we’re packed to capacity all day. There must be something in the biscuits,” she said.

8

Opinion

THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

Takes Student Union by Storm Local NDSU entrepreneur estimates millions in revenue

Erik Jonasson II Opinion Editor

In an executive decision by President Dean Bresciani, a working crew has officially broken ground Thursday on the newest shop in the Student Union.

The organization, Brushbusters, is the first of its kind across the nation. Here, students will have the ability to rent a

toothbrush for singular or multiple uses. Brushbusters is mostly reserved for bachelor juniors in the Civil Engineering department.

Brushbusters’ opening is assumed by local economic majors to bring in huge profits. President Bresciani sees nothing but potential as well.

“When budget cuts started happening, we all had our concerns,” President Bresciani said last week in a news conference.

“This business has monetary potential, though.

We are all going to be flying first-class soon enough.”

Of course, Brushbusters didn’t find its fame overnight. Rather, owner

“Here students will have the ability to rent a toothbrush for anywhere from a single use, for normal people, all the way to a whole week’s use, mostly reserved for bachelor juniors in the Civil Engineering department.”

Molaris Othodonson, a local philosophy major, decided to give up on all of his future job prospects and instead focus his attention on his entrepreneurial enterprise.

“I was reading a book in the Union one day, and it struck me. I didn’t brush

my teeth this morning.

I felt sort of gross, so I thought, ‘Hey, I would rent a toothbrush at this point.’”

Gold had been struck, it seemed. Othodonson quickly quit his post-grad work at Chucky Cheese’s and planned Brushbusters first location, at the

University of North Dakota.

The Grand Forks bid fell through, though.

“We were really discouraged, but we had to move on. UND would have been great, but NDSU has promise,” Othodonson said. When asked whether he would consider a second shop one day possibly opening up at UND Othodonson said, “Of course, their need for dental hygiene isn’t going away any time soon.”

Of course this new business has seen some opposition.

“I have health concerns about renting a toothbrush,” Barry Buffalo said. “What

happens if I get one someone else used?”

Others recognize the necessity of this organization.

“I find it off-putting, but essential,” NDSU student Margo Foorehead told us in defense of Brushbusters.

“Boy’s on campus sometimes look un-kept and gross.”

No matter the naysayers Othodonson is proud at this point, “I have achieved more than my mother ever expected from me. Unlike other college graduates, I see a future of living in my old bedroom at home, instead of just crashing on the couch in the living room.”

Plaques For Peace of Mind Graduating students to wear plaques detailing post-graduation plans

Meghan Battest Contributing Writer

Years after the first complaint came in from graduates and after hot debate on the repercussions, NDSU registration & records has pushed through a decree that will affect all NDSU students in the years to come, specifically graduates.

From now on, all graduating students will be

required to wear green-andyellow plaques around their necks, detailing their major, what they plan to do with their degree and their plans for after graduation.

The hope is that the new plaques will clear up confusion regarding graduates’ plans.

“We have finally figured out a way to combat the barrage of questions faced by students in the months leading up to graduation,” said a representative of

“Optional brochures explaining what can be done with each specific major are available as well.” the department. “As a student-focused, land-grant university, the comfort of all students is our top priority.”

An angel fund was set up by anonymous alumnus to fund the plaques with a simple note: We hope to save you all from the same monotonous fate we

could not escape. The fund is enough to buy greenand-yellow plaques that can simply be attached to clothing or hung around a neck for easy reading.

Looking toward the future, the university will move to raise student fees to support the cause. Any

additional money raised will fund extensive lessons on name pronunciations for those presiding over the graduation ceremonies.

While the movement toward the plaques had pure intentions, the decision is not without controversy.

“I’m guessing my graduation party is going to be pretty awkward,” said one concerned senior. “This decision will take away basically all conversation I

can have with my extended family.”

Regardless, graduates can now pick up their plaques during the Grad Fair at the NDSU Bookstore coming up in April.

Graduates must submit all information before Friday in order to have their plaque customized.

Optional brochures explaining what can be done with each specific major are available as well.

NDSU to Become Wet Campus President Dean Bresciani to join in on the party

Erik Jonasson II Opinion Editor

In a developing story, North Dakota State University will become a wet campus in an attempt to combat teenage drinking.

This follows a recent discovery at Stockbridge Hall that students have been drinking on campus.

Dumbfounded, President Dean Bresciani quickly made a change to the rules.

“I don’t understand how these college students obtained the alcohol, but I do know that we will make it the uncool thing to do on campus,” President Bresciani said.

President Dean Bresciani’s full plan includes making NDSU a wet campus, but he plans to take it one step further.

In a letter obtained by The Rectum, President Bresciani plans on not only allowing alcohol consumption on campus, but he “wants in on the party.”

“In order to keep our kids safe, I will be taking over the role as fatherly figure popping in and checking in on the parties

“I am surprised by this because of NDSU being a dry campus, it comes as a shock to all the RAs. We never saw this coming.”

- Local RA on campus,” he said. His plans also include wearing Dad jeans and constantly bringing up uncomfortable stories about individuals during their orientation.

“It really is a good idea, if I don’t say so myself, I think campus parties are going to become a daily part of my life,” he said.

The incident that lead to such a shocking

discovery was made in Stockbridge at 2 a.m.

Tuesday. It is reported that a noise complaint lead to a resident assistant going to investigate. What he found was shocking. The dorm room was “loaded with alcohol.” The RA was quoted as saying that the incident in the room was “lit.”

The RA declined an

interview but did leave this statement: “I am surprised by this because of NDSU being a dry campus, it comes as a shock to all the RAs. We never saw this coming.”

Nevertheless, President Bresciani is implementing his plans effective immediately.

“Just post your party details on the appropriate Facebook page ‘NDSU Party Finder’ and enjoy your night. Just be ready to have me come and crash your party,” Bresciani said, “and of course take a few celebrity shots at beer pong.”

Local students find this to be a good and a bad

thing. “I miss my dad,” said a local Churchill resident Josh Johnson, “President Dean Bresciani popping in and out of my dorm parties will provide the right amount of adult supervision, I truly feel safer.”

With NDSU being a student-focused, landgrant, research university Bresciani will also be conducting Listserv questionnaires, and other important land grant/ research duties. Bresciani had this as a closing statement: “I see this as an amazing opportunity for me to meet many Bison in the coming weeks; be prepared for my visit, and no Karkov.”

The Rectum It’s All Inside

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THE SPECTRUM | OPINION | THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

ManBearPig is Still on the Loose Humanity is failing to regard ManBearPig for the threat that he is

m Matt Frohlich Staff Writer

This April marks the tenth anniversary of when former US Vice President Al Gore bravely warned the world about the dangers of ManBearPig. It also marks the tenth anniversary of when the world foolishly chose to ignore this grave threat to our national security.

It is frustrating to me

that we have wasted this time debating whether or not ManBearPig exists, when we should have dedicated it to coming up with a solution for dealing with him.

However, for the benefit of the ignorant masses, I will explain once again who ManBearPig is.

Gore was the first person that encountered ManBearPig and lived to talk about it. Many have sighted ManBearPig since then (including me), but Gore deserves credit for being the first.

Not much is known about who ManBearPig is or where he came from, other than the fact that he is “half man, half bear and half pig,” as described

“I can tell you from personal experience that not only is ManBearPig dangerous, but he is annoying as well.”

by Gore.

ManBearPig is very dangerous, and he will not rest until he has completely annihilated the human race.

He is out of control and we need to put a stop to him.

Most people have fooled themselves into thinking that ManBearPig is just a part of Gore’s imagination.

This is absurd.

Not only have I sighted ManBearPig, but I am actually friends with him on Facebook. I am not sure how much more proof you

need for his existence.

I can tell you from personal experience that ManBearPig is not only dangerous, but he is annoying as well. He is constantly flooding my Facebook newsfeed with selfies and tirades about Donald Trump.

These selfies are relatively harmless, but I suspect there is an ulterior motive behind his antiTrump tirades.

Not only is Trump the only presidential contender

that acknowledges ManBearPig’s existence, but he actually has a plan for dealing with him.

Though I respect Trump for having the bravery to publicly confront ManBearPig, I think that overall he is behaving foolishly.

Trump’s plan consists of nothing more than deporting ManBearPig to Mexico and building a wall to keep him out. This plan will not work for two reasons.

First off, Trump does not explain how he is going to apprehend ManBearPig. ManBearPig is sneaky and I doubt law enforcement will ever find him. Even if they do, I do not understand how they will arrest him.

As I said, ManBearPig is

incredibly dangerous. I do not think an entire infantry division would be able to capture him, let alone a couple police officers.

Second, a wall is not going to keep him out.

We cannot even build a wall that will keep out the Kool-Aid Man, let alone ManBearPig (on a somewhat related note, the Kool-Aid Man is another menace that needs to be dealt with).

I do not know what we should do about ManBearPig. Many days I question whether he even can be stopped. But we have to try, because in the long run it is either going to be him or us.

Sanders Finds Reagan, Embraces Conservatism Lifelong politician rejects socialist leanings and opens heart to free markets

Jon Lipp

Staff Writer

kind of story: a tale of redemption. A redemption so pure and whole that we all become better simply by hearing about it. I am speaking, of course, about the remarkable transformation of Bernie Sanders.

Sanders, a presidential hopeful for the Democratic nomination, has been both revered and despised for his strong support of democratic socialism. He is considered by many to be one of the most successful

far-left candidates in American history. Recently, however, he issued a surprising press release.

“As I slept in my oneroom, communal apartment, my usual dreams of seizing the means of production were interrupted. A man descended from the heavens in a beam of light. He spoke with a voice that was strong as thunder and sweet as honey. He spoke to me of a wonderful world. A world in which wealth runs like water down from the chosen

prophets of profit down to the weak, broken people below. I know now that America can only be saved through him.”

Promptly after issuing the above, Sanders moved out of his commune and immediately invested heavily in the stock market.

With the quick profit he immediately made, he purchased a mansion and yacht.

“This really isn’t any different than what I was doing before,” Sanders

remarked. “The upkeep on my estates and vehicles employs many people. And their close proximity to such trappings of wealth is pretty darn close to me sharing my privileges with them! I like to think that Ron is looking down on me and smiling every time one of my laborers trims a hedge just the right way.”

Sanders’ campaign team is devastated. The interns previously making $10 an hour have reportedly cried

their entire commutes to and from their current $8.25 gigs. Although multiple eyewitnesses report that these poor collegians have grabbed their bootstraps with both hands, they appear unwilling to pull themselves up. We can only hope that they too come to accept Ronald Reagan into their hearts, and work a little harder if they want to get ahead.

Sarcastically Yours, Papa Jon

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NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

New NDSU

Athletic Director to Take Helm Taylor Schloemer Staff Writer

Late last week, officials at North Dakota State announced a new athletic director starting in the summer of 2016.

There is no official report of why the change is going to take place, but the possibility of disloyal payments made from the athletics office could be the cause. In response to this, the new hire is expected to begin work in June.

“It was clear to us that Joseph Blatter was the man to lead us,” said President Dean Bresciani. “Joseph, or, as he prefers, Sepp, is going to be our O.G. gangster.”

The biggest criteria for the position was experience.

“We looked mainly for someone who has excelled in the past in broadening athletics,” Bresciani continued.

Blatter has been selected comes in with over 18 years’ experience of widening sport with a nonprofit organization.

Blatter is originally from Switzerland, and has managed to turn soccer into a worldwide phenomenon in the past 18 years as president of FIFA. He has fearlessly worked with FIFA for over 30 years now, and is looking for a change.

Blatter said, “I am happy to come to the United States, and to help this wonderful campus to become even better.” When asked why the change to come from big-city Zurich to little Fargo, Blatter said that it was an easy choice.

“I really wanted to find a small place to settle down and avoid international court.”

The change in size may be a good thing, as in past interviews Blatter has said that “we, or I, cannot monitor all of the people, all of the time.”

The task ahead of the Swiss international is a tough one, as he will have to get to grips with the fact that American Football is the top sport at NDSU. That may not be the case for long, as Blatter has claimed that he plans to improve the soccer facilities in hopes to grow the Bison women’s program, and possibly the introduction of a men’s team as well.

To push this forward, Blatter says that plans are in place to renovate Dacotah Field.

“We are planning to make a grand stadium; it will be the crown jewel of the university,” Blatter said.

Where the money is coming from for the new stadium is unclear, but Blatter hinted that it may be foreign money.

“Let’s just say the stadium will have a European influence, in more ways than one.”

Also there is the matter of who will be building the stadium. Once again, this will not from the local area.

“We plan on flying just over 300 of the best constructors from Qatar to Fargo,” Blatter added.

These are lofty ambitions for a man who has spent most of the last year avoiding the United States, but Blatter may prove to be the steady hand that guides the university needs.

He hopes to be strong and ethical leader in order to grow athletics on campus.

The men on NDSU’s wrestling team may have to step up their game with the addition of female team members.

FILE PHOTO | THE SPECTRUM

Major Breakthrough for Women at NDSU Bison athletics announces wrestling program will go co-ed

Karson Sorby Staff Writer

After many long debates, women at North Dakota State have finally received what they asked for: equality on the wrestling mat.

Though women have been cleared from showing off their wrestling moves in the past, there has finally been a breakthrough. With their inaugural season quickly approaching, the women joining the team have been hard at work.

Bringing their talents to

the already formed men’s squad, the girls are ready to teach the men a thing or two — while also learning from the coaching staff.

When asked about the female additions, last year’s star wrestlers claimed they are excited for this large step in equality.

“Adding women to NDSU’s wrestling program is something we have been waiting for for quite some time now,” they agreed.

The rest of the team was equally excited — except for a few who recognized the wrestling abilities of the new members.

“After watching these women in the weight room, I am now worried about my standings for next year,” to-be senior Josh Rodriguez said. “Adding these female body-builders to the team could jeopardize my spot on the team nex.”

As the women join the team for off-season practices to form the first co-ed wrestling team, scouts have begun to notice.

Ranking the team at No. 1 in the upcoming season, most NCAA scouts have high expectations for next year.

“With the addition of

“After watching these women in the weight room, I’m now worried about my standings for next year.” – Josh Rodriguez, junior the women, the men who previously ran the team are now working twice as hard to keep their position,” one scout said.

While co-ed wrestling is a large step for studentathletes here at NDSU, there is still space on the

team for women looking to show off their wrestling talents.

Tryouts will be held at 3 p.m. on April 1 at the Great Plains Ballroom. The team asks each woman to provide their own singlet and headgear.

Thundar, NDSU Mascot, Reports Repeatedly Turned On By Own Success Tune in to next week’s Rectum for the full story

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THE SPECTRUM | SPORTS | THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

11

Carson Wentz Makes

Shocking Move

Wentz turns his talents to religion

Your mother’s favorite Sports Editor

Former North Dakota State star quarterback Carson Wentz shocked the football world earlier this week with a holy statement.

“I’ve decided to take my talents to the ministry,” Wentz said Monday afternoon from the inside of his cat-filled apartment.

After an impressive Pro Day on March 24, Wentz was considered to be a top-5 pick in the NFL Draft, which takes place next month.

“The good Lord helped me so much during my Pro Day that the only way to pay him back is to join the ministry,” Wentz said.

NDSU head football coach Chris Klieman said that there are five questions one must ask themselves if they are serious about joining the ministry.

“The five questions are: What are my gifts? Am I called? Am I committed to a local church? Do I have any religious tattoos? Do I look like Jesus? Those are the five questions Carson has to ask himself,” Klieman said from inside the Fargodome prayer room.

Wentz definitely can check off those five questions.

His gifts are throwing footballs, and that’s it.

“The gift God has given me is the gift I give back,” Wentz said. “I will throw footballs until I can’t.”

A few weeks ago Wentz knew he was being called to the ministry but wanted to wait a little while before

breaking the news.

“I was feeding my 14 cats, and my flip phone started ringing off the hook,” Wentz said. “I answered and it was God. This was Him calling me.”

Before every home game last season Wentz attended church from 5-7 a.m., but when asked what local church he attends Wentz said, “I’m not ready to discuss that yet.”

Wentz said at first wasn’t sure he could join the ministry due to the fact that he doesn’t have any religious tattoos and he doesn’t look like Jesus.

However, after some great investigating and reporting by soon-to-be redshirt sophomore quarterback Easton Stick, Wentz’s tattoos and Jesus looks were discovered.

“He has a religious tattoo on his right throwing wrist,” Stick said. “And after seeing him in the locker room a lot last season, he looks just like Jesus, except with ginger colored hair.”

His tattoo stands for audience of one and looks like the letters and numbers AO1 with a cross inside the O. “Everything I do I do it for the Lord,” Wentz said. “Every day I wake up I look in the mirror and thank Jesus for looking like his ginger twin.”

The ministry draft is similar to the NFL Draft but instead of seven rounds there is only “Holy Round.”

“I hired a very religious agent, and he thinks I can be the No. 1 pick,” Wentz said. “Honestly, I never wanted to play in the NFL. The ministry is the life that I want to live.”

Wentz has potential to be the No. 1 pick in the ministry draft.

FILE PHOTO | THE SPECTRUM

NDSU Hockey Seeks Fifth Straight National Championship in as Many Years as a Program UND program forced to vacate wins, change name again Connor Dunn Spectrum Staff

It was a fantasy thenathletic director Gene Taylor could only dream about five years ago: A nationally recognized team fresh off their fifth straight national title.

You’re thinking of the football team right now?

Psh. Taylor knew Craig Bohl’s polished dome and Carson Wentz’s ginger magic could easily take home five straight FCS titles.

Taylor was too busy dreaming about the newfangled NDSU hockey program to second guess football success. But there it was, supposedly caught behind the stranglehold of the Midwest the University of North Dakota had established the past 90 years.

Fast-forward five years from the day NDSU made waves in the college hockey world, and we find ourselves just days away

from the Frozen Four in Tampa Bay, when Taylor’s dreams can finally come to fruition.

“We kind of got sick of hearing fans from UND telling us our football titles didn’t mean anything because we were still playing the small schools and ‘Division II’ football,” said Taylor. “I looked at UND’s schedule and saw the overall number one seed in the tournament five years ago was Union College.

Woof, talk about small schools.”

Union College has an enrollment of just over 2,000 undergrads.

“The timing was just perfect, too, with the NCAA forcing UND to change its nickname and vacate all of its wins,” Taylor said.

UND was forced to change its nickname to the Fighting Hawks after a few Native Americans ruffled some feathers.

Following that legal kerfuffle, another long battle with the hawk species surfaced. Apparently hawks

EMILY BEAMAN | THE SPECTRUM

constantly circled Ralph Engalstad Arena because of all the “boos” bellowed whenever the announcer mentioned the new nickname at hockey games.

Instead of changing the attitudes of the fan base, UND decided to waste another $250,000 to pick another new name and logo.

Ironically, the university decided to continue

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selling both Fighting Sioux and Fighting Hawks memorabilia.

Newly elected President Mark Kennedy decided that his first action in office was to bypass any public voting for the new nickname.

Instead, he announced in a press conference that UND’s nickname would now be the Fighting Lawyers.

“How great is it to represent one of our strongest graduate programs we have to offer,” said Kennedy.

Reports have recently come out saying Kennedy was forced to say that publicly, and the reason he really likes the name is because of the giggle he gets when he hears people say “Go Sue!”

With all of the legalities and indecision, UND was also forced to give its postseason spot to NDSU after Taylor petitioned to the NCAA. Some have suspected ESPN’s infatuation with everything NDSU and stranglehold the media mogul has on college athletics pushed the NCAA to welcome the Bison. ESPN televises the NCAA Division I hockey tournament.

In just its first year of existence as a program, the Bison flew through the West Region with UND’s No. 1 seed and clobbered Ferris State in the national championship game. The next four years were just embarrassing for every team that played NDSU. “I have the utmost confidence we’ll walk away from Tampa with our fifth straight title,” said athletic director Matt Larsen. “UND fans will have to get a new ‘but hockey’ excuse for their inferiority in all sports now.”

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THE SPECTRUM | NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY | THURSDAY, MARCH 31, 2016

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