NDSU SPECTRUM | March 29 2018

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

VOLUME 121 ISSUE 46

SPECIAL EDITION

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY | FOR THE LAND AND ITS PEOPLE

The Spectrum’s Annual April Fools’ Day Satirical Supplement

President Dean Bresciani?

What About Dean Dean Bresciani Confusion leads to identical twins speaking out Erik Jonasson II Opinion Editor

Most people on campus know our university’s president, Dean Bresciani. Very few, though, know about his brother — a dean — Dean Bresciani. The Rectrum had to learn a little bit about these two larger than life brothers.

“We are so happy to finally set the record straight; there are two of us and we wouldn’t want to tell any other news source our story.” President Bresciani told us at The Rectrum that he feels this interview is past due.

President Bresciani, a self-professed wine snob from Napa Valley, California, grew up in leisure and bliss.

“I’m a California guy; I love me a good Cabernet with a pleasant sunset.” President Bresciani has consistently been named the best dressed on campus and has set the standard for open-toe footwear during winter.

However, Dean Dean Bresciani, a dean in the college of deans, grew up in Louisiana selling alligator skins and catching catfish bare fisted. He can be found any given Nascar race day at Herd and Horns getting a Bud with the boys.

“I had a pet rattlesnake, and I love me a good rack of ribs. I loved my childhood and I bring that to campus every day.” As we spoke, Dean Bresciani showed off his armadillo skin cowboy boots, with spurs the size of small plates. They dwarfed the Sperry’s that President Bresciani wore.

The Bresciani brothers have caused a lot of confusion in their time here at North Dakota State.

“I couldn’t understand his aesthetic; one

BRENNA MUELLER | THE SPECTRUM

The two Bresciani brothers sit down to discuss their life story and the confusion they cause. day he was wearing a white striped shirt with that even Provost Beth Ingram confuses the half thigh shorts,” Jennifer Knold, a junior two on occasion.

“Ah yes, we get that a lot. We are obvimajoring in accounting, told us about the last time she saw the two Bresciani brothers. ously completely different people. Our clos“Literally an hour later I saw him again, ets at home and the way we carry ourselves, this time wearing a denim jacket with a Toby two different worlds. Hell, maybe not even Keith shirt on and an American flag bandana the same solar system.” President and Dean over his hair.” Knold’s experience has been Bresciani told us way more about their lives, shared by many. President Bresciani told us which can be viewed with a monthly sub-

scription to The Rectum and if you turn ‘adblock’ off.

In the full interview called, “Between the Bresciani’s,” we learn even more about these two brothers in a 67-minute-long interview. They also talk their new proposed History Channel show that they promise is going to be somewhere between “Ice Road Truckers” and “Ancient Aliens.”

Bison No Longer Green and Gold NDSU changing their colors to red and black Emily Wotzka

Contributing Writer

Your current NDSU apparel is on a fast track to becoming NDSU memorabilia within the next few months.

North Dakota State made an announcement March 26 citing “marketing reconstruction,” to be the cause of a change in school colors from green and gold to black and red.

Bison fans, students and retailers across the state of North Dakota are in a state of shock and confusion today after President Dean L. Bresciani announced that students and Bison fans will no longer bleed green and gold.

NDSU’s official colors, Pantone Green 342 and Pantone Yellow 123, are being switched out for a deep Pantone Red 185 C and classic Pantone Black 193909. What is the reasoning behind this severe shift in color scheme?

A statement from the university attributed the abrupt change to a shift in

“aesthetics in regard to the university’s image.” The idea is to create a bolder, more masculine school image.

Art student Rachelle Kean explained her viewpoint on the color change, “Red is a symbol of power and passion. I guess it makes sense. We’ve won six FCS championships so it’s not that surprising that the university would want to match its image with its success.”

The switch will affect all licensed and unlicensed NDSU apparel, but will not affect the beloved athletic mascot, department logos or student organizational logos.

The change will have a dramatic effect on the NDSU bookstore as well as every other department and organization on campus.

The university will be putting millions of dollars into new athletic uniforms and work attire, along with a makeover of the Dome and the SHAC. “It’s devastating, honestly. I don’t think I’ll be able to support any other colors,” NDSU senior Kaci Longtin

INSIDE

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said.“We’ve been wearing the same green and gold apparel for the past four years, and I honestly don’t think that I’ll feel comfortable wearing anything else.”

Many other students have expressed concerns about the financial and emotional toll this will take on college students across campus.

Students will be forced to shop at the NDSU bookstore for all of their NDSU merchandise needs, for the time being.

Most buyers within Fargo’s retail scene have already purchased next season’s green and gold garb, meaning that the bookstore will be forced to deal with an outrageous volume of orders within the next few months since the bookstore BRENNA MUELLER | THE SPECTRUM is already being restocked with the newly changed col- NDSU bookstore only place in stock of new apparel everywhere else on back order or apparel. have anything to wear to change.”

President Dean L. Bresciani Third-year student Jessi the football games or any Many students, faculty accidentally leaked the newJohnson expressed her conother school event. We’re and fans plan to boycott ly written Bison song, which cerns about the color change college kids, which means the color change while oth- no longer incorporates and her future at NDSU, that we don’t have a ton of ers who have always hated NDSU’s statement piece of “I’m really upset about it. extra money to spend on wearing green and yellow green and gold.

I’m going to be a senior new school apparel. I think are embracing it. Although next year and I truly won’t we should boycott the color uproar is approaching as

A closer look at the student body president candidates

SALE ON BLACK AND RED APPAREL

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“Thunderstruck” becomes NDSU’s official alma mater

10

Klieman pulled over, driving with too many championship rings

2 THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

News

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

Student Body President Resigns Thundar may be your next Student Body President Dan Ukkelberg Staff Writer

MADISON SCHILL | THE SPECTRUM

Thundar can be seen roaming campus advertising his campaign.

North Dakota State Student Body President Master Weasel said he will resign from the position to pursue a career in the goat milking industry. Weasel said he has always dreamt of moving to a farm with at least 32 goats that he can frolic with.

“I just love all types of goats; little goats, big goats, the ones with the big floppy ears so I can hold on to them when I take a ride and even the ones with no ears at all. Goats are just my passion and this position is holding me back,” Weasel said.

Weasel said that if the administration allows him to keep his milk goats in the bookstore, he may consider keeping the position.

Thundar, the NDSU mascot, said he will consider the position. His only stipulation is that he must keep his outfit on at all times so no one can figure out his true identity. He would also like the position to be paid because he has to take care of his four illegitimate “bison.”

“Being a mascot just doesn’t pay the bills anymore,” Thundar said. “I’m out their busting my tail at all the sporting events and I even pick up a few table dancing frat gigs on the side, and the calf support I’m paying is still too much grass — if you know what I mean.”

However, Thundar isn’t the only one looking at the position. Taylor (Dawg) Salami is also looking to snag the position for the remainder of the school year.

Dawg said he wants to win over the people by giving everyone on campus free pizza and playing his “fire tracks” over the speakers in the Memorial Union. Salami also wants to make sports mandatory for all students.

“I’ve seen a lot of pudgy hicks ’round

here man,” Salami said. “I don’t think the bale throwin’ is workin’ for them anymore.

NDSU students should be able to play basketball, not hide them in their belly buttons.”

Thundar and Salami were both asked for their mission statements and they replied with the following: “Make North Dakota State horny again.”

— Thundar “I couldn’t care less if I become Student Body President. I just want my mom to feel like I am doing something with my life.” — Salami If neither Thundar or Salami work out for the position, much of the student body is

“Make North Dakota State horny again.”

- Thundar looking to write in Betsy the Heifer. Many of the agricultural students at NDSU are upset because the college is getting “too artsy.”

The students in the animal science department believe that having a cow as the Student Body President will help put NDSU back on track.

“Just watch; when we elect a cow as our president, all the fairy farters out there won’t know what to do with themselves,” animal science major Ethan Carlson said.

The results of the three percent of NDSU students that actually vote will be calculated as soon as the administration has nothing better to do with their lives.

Millennials N D SU Says Killing NDSU

N o t o N oise The new ban on ATVs on campus causes a ruckus Ryan Nix

Staff Writer

North Dakota State has passed a rule to ban ATVs, dirt bikes and other annoying forms of transport from campus in a preemptive move to bring down noise this summer. The rule change comes at a time when many around campus are dusting off their totally city appropriate vehicles for the end of the fall semester.

The roads might be less safe now Peters said. “People won’t be alert on their walk to school. They’ll be so happy and calm that they won’t notice the Prius about to hit them.” Peters said he is thinking about writing the student body president a letter if he can figure out who they are.

The rules were changed by student senator Mark Stapleton, a fine arts major at NDSU. “I was tired of getting angry on my daily

thinks student government shouldn’t stop at this rule change. “The trains are so loud; I don’t know why we don’t talk to someone about that,” Kamer said. Kramer said the sound of the train reminds her of “Stand by Me,” a movie she said is “only ok.”

Kramer also thinks there should be some sort of training program for freshmen dudes with longboards.

“They don’t even know how to skateboard, yet they seem

“I just want to walk in peace. I can’t be bothered with other peoples’ need for enjoyment,” - Mark Stapleton a fine arts major at NDSU

Tom Peters, an NDSU student, said he saw the announcement in his emails and found it disheartening.

“I was just about to go get my bike back in Bemidji for the season,” Peters said.

“I don’t know what the big deal is about my bike.”

Peters said the dirt bike is a necessity after walking to school all winter. “I want to feel alive in the three minutes it takes to get from my apartment to school,” Peters explained. “If people don’t like the noise, then why do people always look at me when I blast by them at the intersection?”

walks from Starbucks to the Union,” Stapleton said. “It just made sense to do something.” Stapleton said the rule does not infringe upon students’ freedoms, it just “makes them make the right decision.”

“I just want to walk in a peace. I can’t be bothered with other peoples need for enjoyment,” Stapleton explained. Noise pollution is a large issue on NDSU’s campus. A study from the CDC showed that NDSU was the least popular campus for little babies whose ears hurt.

Madison Kramer, a transportation liaison for the president’s office, said she

to have the confidence of a guy in a Levi’s ad,” Kramer said. “Why do they think they can ride on the busy sidewalk? Seriously, why?”

Kramer said the president is a little frustrated with the rule change because he can no longer rip around campus at night in his gokart. “I was just excited to get her out for a spin,” President Dean L. Bresciani said. “I understand the rule change, but what’s the big deal anyway? Let the boys get a little wild.”

The rule change is effective immediately.

Education costs spark existential threat to university Quinn Garrick Staff Writer

As the millennial generation erases industries and products, their murderous tendencies have begun to creep into North Dakota State.

From chain restaurants like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s to napkins, serial millennials have been on a spree to take down society as we know it to redesign it in their image. Now, NDSU is under threat from the same generation that is more socially and politically conscious and puts more value into experience-based spending over physical purchases.

“Money. All the school does is ask you to pay, pay, pay. And what do we get in return? A college degree that may or may not be worth anything,” said Ima Faeling, junior in political science. “It’s time that our generation brings a definitive end to expensive

out from that place. They’re not gonna have another dime just so they can build another sports center,” Ashton said.

However, alumni are not the only ones nailing down the coffin for NDSU, millennials are simply trading in the big box retailers of universities for smaller and more personal technical and community colleges, or choosing not to go at all.

Exploding student loan debt and a lessthan-ideal job market are contributing factors in keeping students away from large and expensive universities, with 100 percent of current students saying they would rather have money than be broke. If students have to pay for an education, they are more likely to be broke than have money, therefore students don’t want an education or at least don’t want to be broke for it.

Milo Fasch, senior in agribusiness and president of Make NDSU Great Again, said, “NDSU has become a breeding ground of unrest. Us millennials are pissed because we

“Fake news like The Spectrum with their liberal bias and corrupt officials in Student Government and the administration refuse address this issue: millennials are on a killing spree and NDSU is next. It’s time to drain the campus and bring an end to the university.”

- Milo Fasch, senior in Agribusiness and president of Make NDSU Great Again education, and why not start with NDSU?” An administrator at NDSU said the school has seen a sharp decline in donations as older and wealthier generations begin to die off, and millennial alumni refuse to voluntarily hand over their hard-earned money, opting instead for a 401(k) or a savings account for their children.

“The millennials grew up during a period of less financial stability and they still have memories of growing up during the recession,” said Jack Ashton, an NDSU alumni and self-declared ‘snowflake’ who can be found leading ‘smartphone meditation’ sessions in downtown Fargo.

“We are not just bank accounts — we are people. NDSU is a school, not a business.

I’ve already spent thousands to get in and

want common sense in education costs, and all we get from NDSU is stupidity.”

“Fake news like The Spectrum with their liberal bias and corrupt officials in Student Government and the administration refuses to address this issue: millennials are on a killing spree and NDSU is next. It’s time to drain the campus and bring an end to the university,” Fasch said.

The university refused to comment on the impending threat, stating that administration officials need “time to consider and discuss such existential situations.”

The trend has found its way into a formal movement, by students and non-students alike, as millennials work to bring an end to NDSU. To follow the movement, visit @ ENDsu.

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THE SPECTRUM | NEWS | THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Too Good at Their Job Spectrum editors protest their own writing for being just too damn good Phoebe Ellis

Head News Editor

Editors at The Spectrum began a protest Sunday, March 25, claiming that their pieces weren’t appropriate for public viewing because they were “too good” at their jobs.

“All we’re saying is that our pieces are just too edgy and well written to be shown to the student body,” one editor said, citing recent incident reports of higher than average rates of letters to the editor.

“What these people don’t realize is that we’re actually doing our jobs; it’s not like we like being this good,” another editor added.

At one point during the protest, the editor-in-chief attempted to calm the section editors gathered outside The Spectrum office. “Guys, come back inside. You’re being ridiculous, and half of you have a deadline tomorrow,” he said, more out of loneliness than anything else. The times of him being alone in the office have become rare. He did not know how to cope without his section

editors any longer.

“We won’t return to work until we can publicly express our opinions since, for most of us, our sections don’t contain our opinions at all and people can’t handle our edgy and often perfectly correct writing,” the news editor practically shouted.

The editors then shared a moment of silence to show their deep respect, gratitude and thanks to their copy editors for making their pieces shine grammatical.

Following the moment of silence, the arts and entertainment editor then proceeded to sing along to a strenuous version of the national anthem that made Fergie sound good in comparison.

“I think my ears are literally bleeding,” the features editor commented. She later started an article that would later be placed in the “Pinterest Interest” subsection titled, “How to remove blood from your clothes with only things in your backpack” and another article titled, “Telling people they suck: an infographic.”

The protest then continued with speeches from a host of people, including a local

Building a Wall Wall to be built around UND Amanda Johnson Staff Writer

Backed by the state of North Dakota, North Dakota State is making plans to build a wall around the University of North Dakota.

The plans to separate UND from North Dakota comes after students have been acting as hooligans and disrupting the peace of surrounding communities.

North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum said, “The wall is necessary to prevent students from leaving UND to destroy the rest of North Dakota.”

The movement comes after last year’s attempt to push UND into the Minnesota side of Grand Forks.

The push failed after Minnesota filed to build their own wall along the North Dakota border to keep UND students from going back to Minnesota.

“We are taking advice from the Trump administration on the type of wall that would be best to keep people out,” Burgum said. The wall will span along I-29 and from I-29 to the Minnesota border around Grand Forks.

Jane Smith, a freshman in psychology, said, “I’m excited for construction on the wall to begin and it’s just going to be nice not having UND students around anymore.” In the past year, UND students have been the

cause of 80 percent of disruptive complaints from surrounding communities and 93 percent of complaints from NDSU. Gov. Burgum said, “It’ll be interesting to see how North Dakota grows without the addition of UND students in the communities.”

The wall will cost $8 billion to build and will have solar panels attached to provide energy to the rest of North Dakota to compensate

it’s projected to be finished by the summer of 2020.

NDSU President Dean Bresciani said, “Engineering students will work on the wall for class credit and it will provide real-world opportunities for our students.” Students who are from Grand Forks who attend NDSU will be provided housing during the summer in Fargo so that they can’t pick up on the horrible behavior of UND students.

“I’m excited for construction on the wall to begin and it’s just going to be nice not having UND students around anymore.”

- Jane Smith, freshman for UND’s incompetencies.

It will be built 25-feet tall and made of metal so that the walls cannot be climbed over or under.

President Trump told Fox News that he “would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better,” and recommended that UND pay for the wall to be built.

Mark Kennedy, President of UND, is disappointed in the actions that NDSU is taking against UND and said he “will not allow UND to pay for such a thing.”

Construction is set to begin August 2018 if enough money can be raised by NDSU to fund the wall, and

“Once the wall is completed no more students will be able to choose to enroll at UND. UND will be taken over by NDSU and will act as a separate school and housing for incoming freshman,” Bresciani said.

Burgum assured that non-students will not be punished for living in Grand Forks and will be provided a pass that would allow them to freely come and go from Grand Forks as they please.

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton was not able to comment on whether Minnesota would build a gate to allow non-student residents out of Grand Forks.

Jack Hastings Editor in Chief editor@ndsuspectrum.com Phoebe Ellis Head News Editor head.news@ndsuspectrum.com Co-News Editor co.news@ndsuspectrum.com Miranda Stambler Features Editor features@ndsuspectrum.com Laura Ellen Brandjord A&E Editor ae@ndsuspectrum.com Erik Jonasson Opinion Editor opinion@ndsuspectrum.com Taylor Schloemer Sports Editor sports@ndsuspectrum.com

Madison Hilber Head Copy Editor head.copy@ndsuspectrum.com Zachary Liu Co-Copy Editor co.copy@ndsuspectrum.com Larisa Khanarina Photo Editor photo@ndsuspectrum.com Brittany Hofmann Design Editor design@ndsuspectrum.com Sarvani Dasari Web Editor webmaster@ndsuspectrum.com Brenna Mueller Graphic Designer graphics@ndsuspectrum.com

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR The Spectrum accepts letters to the editor by email editor@ndsuspectrum.com and by mail. Please limit letters to 500 words and submit them in a word document. Letters will be edited only for clarity. They should include the writer’s name, telephone number, major and year in school or title.

www.ndsuspectrum.com Main Office: 231-8929 Editor in Chief: 231-8629

Pauline Dunn Office Manager office.manager@ndsuspectrum.com Jonah Wagenius Business Manager business.manager@ndsuspectrum.com Addisen Long Advertising Manager ad.manager@ndsuspectrum.com Thomas Evanella Advertising Executive ad.exec@ndsuspectrum.com Preston Gilmore Marketing Executive marketing@ndsuspectrum.com Tyler Dewitz Circulation Manager circulation@ndsuspectrum.com

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The Spectrum is a student-run publication at North Dakota State University in print since 1896. New issues are published Mondays and Thursdays during the academic year, except during holidays, vacations and exam periods. Each enrolled student is entitled to one copy. Additional copies are available for $1 by prior arrangement with the Business Manager.

The First Amendment guarantees freedom of speech and of the press. Opinions expressed on these pages are not necessarily those of the student body, faculty, staff, university administration or Spectrum management. The Spectrum is printed at Forum Communications Printing at 1030 15th Ave. SE, Detroit Lakes, MN 56502.

white supremacist, an activist working with the Black Lives Matters movement, prochoice campaigns, a group that supports more strictly regulated gun control and a politically moderate student that was forced to stand and tell the editors a story.

The student began to speak by saying, “Uh … I was just trying to nap on the couch over by the gallery, but I had a real trip of a dream so I can tell you guys that?” The

chief concluded that sending off the paper was more important than their protest and told them all to go back inside.

“Get back inside, we have a paper to send off. Your protest can happen later. It’s not like anybody cares about how you feel anyway,” he said.

The editors, defeated and sad, mumbled to themselves about how edgy they were as they retreated to their respective desks to

“...people can’t handle our edgy and often perfectly correct writing,” - The Spectrum news editor editors cheered for the student’s unsure approach to their protest.

Unfortunately, the editors were not satisfied. “He wasn’t edgy enough. We should have tried harder to find a real speaker,” the opinion editor said.

The protest ended when the editor-in-

read more letters to the editor about how people don’t get them and only criticize them because they’re jealous of how cool they are.

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4

Features

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

Further Look Into Student Body President Candidates Loretta Langston and Fredward Falcon go head to head in being the future of NDSU students

Cat and dog up for student body president fighting for a more paws on candidate.

Miranda Stambler Features Editor

Student body elections are back, and it is time to determine which candidate will be the one to make the best and more efficient changes to campus. From April 4 to April 5, students will be electing their 20182019 student body president and vice president.

This year, two candidates were written in by many students, leading to their running for president; Fredward “Fred” Feline with vice president Lilly Lizard and Loretta Langston with vice president Gary Gecko.

Feline is three years old and working toward his degree in political science.

In his free time, he enjoys prowling around campus and swatting at anything that gets in his way. His family described him as being in-

troverted and passionate toward his policies.

Langston, also being three years old, is now working on her business degree and her free time is spent gnawing on shoes and enjoying alone time to plan her future business career.

Friends have described her as loyal and protective of her

BRENNA MUELLER | THE SPECTRUM

not relapsed into no longer being house trained. This has led to people speculating which would have a more paws-on mentality.

The two candidates have been periodically going to classrooms, giving their point of views and how they will improve the NDSU campus as well as compet-

“Bark, woof woof bark bark, bark bark bark woof woof” – Loretta Langston, presidental candidate beliefs.

Although many students have been going off cuteness between the two candidates, they still try to remain professional and gain their position through intelligence.

In fact, they have both remained trained throughout this stressful time and have

ing in the annual debate where student press is able to ask questions about their ambitions for the upcoming year.

Feline has been seen going around campus tearing up blue books with his claws to show that he is fighting for students to no longer have to

pay for these since scantrons are now covered.

In contrast, Langston has been working her rounds by expressing the need for a change in textbook costs.

By chewing up the binds of textbooks and any loose leaf papers, it has been shown that she is passionate on her fight to ease students’ expenses.

When asked about how they will improve the campus, Langston started by explaining her fight to cut student expenses, “Bark, bark bark bark – bark bark woof.”

However, Feline disagreed and pushed her declaration aside. He went back to his fight for blue books.

“Meow meow – meow meow,” Feline hissed.

In response, Langston snarled with her teeth piercing through her lips. This led to conflict as she pointed to his leftover milk dripping from his fur. He became em-

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barrassed and licked it away, then pointed to the stain on Langston’s collar.

President Dean Bresciani intervened, pulling the conversation back to the issues at hand. Students continued to ask questions on how to lower tuition expenses.

They have both agreed that any extra money from the university will be donated to the local animal shelter Animals Rule The World.

“Bark bark,” Langston howled completing her debate.

“Meow meow – meow meow” – Fredward Feline, presidental candidate Both candidates put aside their differences in the fight for free tuition. They both agreed that baby boomers screwed millennials over and think they should make up for it by increasing taxes only for that generation to overall decrease tuition and ending with free tuition for millennials and future generations.

“Meow,” Feline purred to thank every attendee.

Students can vote for their student body president at ndsuelections.com and can commit their time to endorsing either candidate. To endorse Loretta Langston: dogforpresidentNDSU.org.

To endorse Fredward Feline: voteforcatNDSU.org.

31, 2018 | for more information or to apply online, go to:

https://ndsu.academicworks.com/opportunities/1219

THE SPECTRUM | FEATURES | THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

5

Dining Centers Changing Menu Adding ranch to new foods to test the high demand

With many flavors of ranch, dining centers plan to install different types around the center.

Miranda Stambler Features Editor

NDSU dining centers are making a change to their menu to embrace the love Midwesterners have for ranch. Due to high demand starting March 30, the dining centers will be serving more entrees with ranch.

Dining services had noticed that the ranch would need to be replaced multiple times throughout the day; therefore they decided if there is such a want they

will oblige.

The dining centers are in the process of another renovation, to incorporate ranch dispensers on every wall and table in the dining centers.

Each wall will be a different flavor, ranging from spicy, buffalo and cucumber. They plan to add more flavors once the listserv results are calculated as to what ranch is the most popular.

They have announced that once a week there will be a lunch serving of peanut butter and ranch sandwich served with fries sprinkled

with ranch seasoning. They will also be testing a soup of the day each week and taking a poll of which is more popular, starting with ranch and pea soup.

Along with this, they will be adding to the typical meals they have been serving on campus. Now with the chicken cordon bleu, they will be injecting the middle of the chicken with ranch and pouring ranch flavored gravy on mashed potatoes.

To follow this, they are incorporating this change

FLICKR | PHOTO COURTESY

into the dessert line as well. Their ice cream toppings will be added to with NDSU’s creation of ranch sprinkles and a ranch hard shell. Dining services announced that they will be bringing new and fun desserts such as ranch pie, ranch infused cake, Jell-O sprinkled with ranch seasoning and a chocolate mousse mixed with ranch dressing.

A concern with many parents of students looking to attend or attending NDSU was the healthiness of eating ranch so often. However,

dining services confirmed it is healthier than anything else they have served. With its high milligrams of sodium along with more saturated fat and trans fat than other toppings, dining services have confirmed that incorporating ranch into every meal will leave students full and satisfied.

“The more trans fat the better. It’s like eating fried food, fast food and doughnuts for every meal. People already do this so what could go wrong?” Janice Hart, director of dining ser-

vices said.

Dining services are looking forward to finding more ways to incorporate ranch into the meals, as they believe students will enjoy having ranch all the time. By adding ranch to everything, production manager Julie Hillford believes they will see an increase in students attending dining centers and buying meal plans.

Paranormal Team Investigate NDSU Library Ghost found on campus could lead to shutting down building

Ghostly activity in ndsu library leading to paranormal investigation.

Amanda Wagar Staff Writer

North Dakota State is not new to hauntings. From the young woman who bangs doors on the third floor of Ceres Hall to the WWII era man who dwells in its basement.

“We first suspected the library was haunted when we heard complaints of cold spots,” the lead paranormal investigator, Tammy Tombstone from Ghost Resurrectors explained. “Specifically

within study rooms 155 A, B and C and certain areas upstairs.”

Upon asking library staff, the investigation team was given the explanation that the library is an old building, but that did not deter them from looking into the situation further.

“There were some definite signs of paranormal activity that couldn’t be explained by an old building,” Tombstone said.

They explained that their team had experienced other strange phenomena

while leading their investigation between the hours of 11 p.m. and 12 a.m. in late February. The group noted hearing strange footsteps, a child’s laughter and observing books fall off the shelves while they were upstairs in the building — alone.

Having observed signs of a haunting, the team decided to try to make contact with the supposed spirit trapped within the library walls.

“The first contact we got was a name,” they explained, to which they decided that the ghost’s name

LARISA KHANARINA | THE SPECTRUM

was Rosie. It was confirmed the spirit is a child that had been the root of the troubles that patrons had been experiencing at the library.

“We weren’t quite sure where Rosie came from, but she seemed to like to be surrounded by books,” Hunter Haunt, another paranormal investigator, shared.

That said, the team quickly found out that Rosie was a very curious child spirit, realizing that the ghost had tried to make contact with them through the water fountain on the main

floor, with the display screen reading, “Oh no ... Oh no ... Oh,” in strange, garbled script.

The team went on to explain that Rosie did not seem to be an evil entity, but simply a new, ghostly resident within the library. She was simply making her presence known through various actions.

“Unfortunately,” Tombstone stated, “We were unable to get Rosie to stop causing the random cold spots within the building, but she seems harmless

enough.”

The team believes it is safe to say that Rosie is a new resident to NDSU’s library for the time being, and students can be comforted knowing that the cold study rooms are just her way of saying “Hello.”

Although if the problems of books falling causes any injury, the library has confirmed that they will be condemning the library and will be paying any hospital costs for those injured.

6 THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Arts & Entertainment T S

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

he pectrum

We The Screwed Campus Attractions discovers major error in booking of spring concert Laura Ellen Brandjord A&E Editor

A spokesperson for Campus Attractions released a statement Wednesday revealing an error in the booking and publicity for NDSU’s annual spring concert.

It was originally advertised that popular indie alternative band We The Kings would be performing on campus this year. However, it has been discovered a very different band under the same name was booked instead.

It was believed the band responsible for such hits of our generation as “Check Yes Juliet” was performing, however, it has been recently realized that the Christian men’s Christmas choir We The Kings was booked instead.

Choir leader Joshua Abraham III admitted they were surprised when they received the booking, as most of their shows outside of December are usually during the “Christmas in July” season. Abraham III told The Spectrum that We The Kings are excited to share their spirituality and musical gifts with the students of NDSU this April.

Concert coordinator Karli Schulz spoke of the incident stating, “It was an honest mistake. After all, they have the same name.

I do take full responsibility for the mix-up, however. I should have confirmed it

Alternative/indie band We The Kings (left), Campus Attractions has booked We The Kings men’s christmas choir (right). was the correct band when booking the show. I know I “I’ve looked into the choir’s work and am actually really have let a lot of people down and for that, I am deeply excited to watch them perform. I am especially eager to sorry.” experience their rendition of ‘Angels We Have Heard On Unfortunately, Campus Attractions stated it is too High.’ I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say late to cancel and find a rehelium balloons are involved.” placement in time for the original spring concert date.

- Karli Schulz, Concert Coordinator Schulz remains positive, “I’ve looked into the choir’s to experience their rendition let’s just say helium balloons renditions of secular Christwork and am actually really of ‘Angels We Have Heard are involved.” mas tunes. Carefully formatexcited to watch them per- On High.’ I don’t want to The choir is also known ted to appeal to the Millenform. I am especially eager give too much away, but for their album of unique nial generation, their album

YOUTUBE/BILLBOARD | PHOTO COURTESY

titled “Goodbye Mariah, Hello Messiah” has gained great critical acclaim. Some fan-favorites include “Rockin’ Around the Nativity” and “Run Donkey Run.” So far Campus Attractions has not indicated a refund option for those who have already purchased tickets and decide not to attend due to the error.

‘Thunderstruck’ Becomes NDSU’s Official Alma Mater Out with the old and in with the new Brittany Hofmann Staff Writer

This past week, President Dean Bresciani announced that the official alma mater of our beloved university will be changing for what he says is for the better.

“Our current alma mater is dated. We needed a change that would excite more school spirit in the student body with a song that is well known by everybody,”

most likely been subjected to the hype-inducing walkouts featuring AC/DC’s ‘Thunderstruck’.

This song is better known as the beat of the hearts of every bison.

In a private interview with Thundar, who must remain anonymous for obvious reasons, expressed his excitement about the change. “In a way, I feel like ‘Thunderstruck’ is my theme song. Whenever I hear that song, my pride

every hour from the bell tower on campus.

“The alma mater was getting old,” NDSU junior Tom Evans commented, “and ‘Thunderstruck’ is so much cooler. I can’t wait to hear it on my way to class.

But are the bells actually real?”

We ended the interview there at the mention of the “bells” on campus.

And to be honest, how many people actually know the lyrics to “The Yellow

“’Thunderstruck’ is the song everyone thinks of when they think of the Bison. It’s the heart and soul of the herd.”

- President Dean Bresciani President Bresciani remarked. “’Thunderstruck’ is the song everyone thinks of when they think of the Bison. It’s the heart and soul of the herd.”

If you’ve been to any of our school’s sporting events, especially to one of our precious football team’s rousing contests at the Fargodome, you have

for this university grows exponentially. And there’s nothing better than hearing the crowd cheer when I run out onto the field. The song really should be called Thundar-struck.”

To remind students and faculty of the pride in which we hold for our alma mater, “Thunderstruck” will ring from the bells on the hour,

and The Green”? I certainly don’t. President Bresciani certainly doesn’t, although he wouldn’t admit it when asked. Though he did tell me that “Thunderstruck” has been his ringback tone since 2009.

This change has been approved and will take place in the upcoming academic President Dean Bresciani approves. year.

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

BRITTANY HOFMANN | THE SPECTRUM

7

THE SPECTRUM | A&E | THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

‘Snow Day: Thundar’s Mountain’ Recent North Dakota snowfall inspires NDSU programming students to create new snowboarding video game

LAURA ELLEN BRANDJORD | THE SPECTRUM

Jib on Matbuses, pull a frontside 360 over the Bison statue and avoid running into bundled up students in ‘Snow Day: Thundar’s Mountain.’

Laura Ellen Brandjord A&E Editor

While most students used the recent snowstorms as an excuse to skip classes and binge Netflix, one group of computer programming students filled the time creating a new snowboarding video game.

Set in the snow-buried NDSU campus, the game offers players the option to play as either Carson Wentz, Dean Bresciani or Thundar. Each snowboarder has their own stats including a unique NDSU signature

move.

Wentz’s specialty is the “Backside Jersey Switch. ” When activated on a jump, Wentz will switch into his Philadelphia Eagles jersey mid-trick.

Dean Bresciani’s move is termed the “Blindside Budget Cut.” Bresciani’s signature move sees him pull out paperwork for further budget cuts while simultaneously snowboarding. All tricks successfully completed while activated will earn double points.

Not too surprisingly Thundar’s move is termed the “Roll Herd Barrelroll Backflip.”

Bresciani’s Top Song On Spotify Found To Be ‘Africa’ by Toto

During this ambitious trick, lightning fills the sky. Naturally,”Thunderstruck” by AC/ DC plays and Thundar holds the NDSU “horns up” hand sign throughout the whole move.

Players board around the snow-covered campus initiating tricks. Want to hone your halfpipe skills? Luckily the doors to Shepherd’s arena have blown in. The arena is not perfectly drifted with snow for gnarly tricks.

Despite the unprecedented snowfall, some classes are still in session and Matbuses are still running. This adds to the gameplay experience, as these features are

able to be engaged with. Unless you want a cut in points and an explicit lecture from a disgruntled student, they should be avoided.

What I really enjoy about the game is the Matbuses surprisingly. With perfect timing, you can successfully jump from the skyway onto a moving Matbus and butter or jib the top while in motion. True to Matbus dependability, players can even hail a bus and ride it to bonus locations such as Klai or the Barry Hall.

You can find the game available on the NDSU Video Gamers Club MyNDSU page.

Legacy LPs: NDSU to Capitalize on Vinyl Trend NDSU Bookstore to launch crematory vinyl records on Record Store Day, April 21

Investigation of Dean-o’s public records reveals his favorite song Thomas Evanella Staff Writer

Through a Freedom of Information Request under Title 44 of the North Dakota Century Code, The Spectrum has discovered that North Dakota State President Dean Bresciani’s top-played song on Spotify in 2017 was “Africa” by Toto. The university has yet to respond publicly to the stunning findings.

When asked for comment regarding the discovery, Bresciani initially demurred, then eventually confessed. “All right, fine! It’s true; it’s true. Me and Beth (Ingram, NDSU provost) jam to that song at least seven or eight times a day in Old Main,” he stated.

“I just love the melodic waves and ’80s vibe the song brings to the workplace. Really, I find the whole song to be a metaphor for our school. Or is it a simile? Ah, whatever,” Bresciani added.

Presently, the course of action the university will take to discipline the scandalmarred president is unclear. In 2013, a similar probe discovered that his top played song from the previous year was “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen. At the time, no discipline guidelines had been adopted, so Bresciani received merely a slap on the wrist. A tribunal was convened in the aftermath to establish protocol, but those rules are unknown.

“The lyrics to ‘Africa’ are just so inspiring to me. I actually borrowed them when I was called in to give the hype speech be-

fore the football team took the field for the championship game. I looked Easton Stick dead in the eyes and sang, ‘Hurry boy, she’s waiting there for you,’” the president confessed.

Bresciani was at the center of another incident during his time at Texas A&M. He was accused of playing “Angel in the Centerfold” by J. Geils Band too loudly in the office during his role as vice president of jam sessions.

Other NDSU administrators have not taken the accusation lightly, although to some it came as no surprise. Vice Provost Laura Oster-Aaland took personal umbrage to the news, saying she never gets invited to Bresciani’s office to get her groove on.

Student Body President Mason Wenzel released an excoriating statement in response to the report. “President Bresciani’s selfish actions have gravely endangered the future of our university, putting us at risk of further budget scourges,” Wenzel remarked.

“It is a black scar on the university, the city of Fargo and, most importantly, our students.”

The Spectrum conducted a poll of the student body, which concluded that the embroiled Bresciani has actually surged in popularity. Eighty-eight percent of students polled responded “10/10 would ‘Africa’ to a friend” when asked if they would want to rock out with the NDSU president.

LAURA ELLEN BRANDJORD | THE SPECTRUM

The NDSU Bookstore is looking to capitalize on the resurgence of vinyl in a unique way.

Laura Ellen Brandjord A&E Editor

In an announcement Monday, the campus bookstore revealed the addition of “Legacy LPs” to their vinyl record offerings.

Set for release on Record Store Day April 21, Legacy LPs are made-toorder translucent records containing a small portion of your loved one’s crematory ashes. Available in NDSU green or gold, the custom record memorials will be created in partnership with Boulger Funeral Home.

Funeral director Jim Boulger expressed his enthusiasm about the project stating, “Vinyl records are more popular than ever. We are currently experiencing an important overlap in popular technology between generations that is part of what makes this endeavor so exciting.” Boulger added that they look to expand

their offering beyond the NDSU partnership in the near future. “Imagine if you could listen to a collection of your loved one’s favorite songs. With this option, you are experiencing this with them in a very real and tangible way. You are remembering an important part of your loved one while also having a keepsake containing literal pieces of them. The heightened sensory experience is what makes this option so impactful. “ For those worried future generations may carelessly sell or throw away the LP, you can rest easy. Clear labels on the sleeve and record itself indicate the presence of human remains.

In addition to choice of color, families have two choices for audio. AC/ DC’s “Thunderstruck” or a compilation of NDSU chants recorded live at the Fargodome.

As part of Monday’s

announcement, a variety of available bundles were revealed. The base package includes one Legacy LP, a standard single sleeve and protective plastic cover.

For an extra $50 customers get an upgraded “premium sleeve” with President Dean Bresciani and Thundar’s autographs. One of the most intriguing options will cost an additional $150 and will include a personalized eulogy written by President Dean Bresciani himself.

In addition, add-ons such as a record frame with museum quality glass and a shadow box complete with a trifolded NDSU flag are also available.

Rumors are already circulating of reasonable bulk order pricing and a double record option for couples in the near future.

Bring in a copy of this article on Record Store Day to receive 10 percent off your Legacy LP purchase.

8 THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Opinion

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

Performers Take Over Memorial Union

Lack of money leads students to perform for tips

JACK HASTINGS | THE SPECTRUM

Lady Pancakes will be performing at sometime, somewhere to be determined on campus for meal passes.

Erik Jonasson II Opinion Editor

The Memorial Union has recently become a center for performers as millennial college students try to find a way to be debt free during college.

Sideshow performers have started to sell their talents and skills in an effort to afford the ever-increasing cost of breathing.

“My parents keep bragging about owning a house at 25,” Lady Pancakes, a senior majoring in mechanical engineering, has recently been supplementing his income by playing guitar.

Tragically, the audience doesn’t carry much money and also doesn’t have much money. Still, performers have been putting their best foot forward.

Another performer, Tequila Mockingbird, a local amateur magician, has been giving shows for the past

few weeks in attempts to make enough money for McDonald’s McPick 2 menu.

“Let me get a McPick 2, badah ba ba dah,” Mockingbird told us that he has made three whole dollars doing his shows for the past few weeks.

Mockingbird also elaborated on his talents saying, “I have been a magician since birth; it’s something I live and breathe. Honestly, I question sometimes if I am actually a wizard.”

Pancakes has been performing guitar and other musical instruments for the past few weeks just hoping for any change or meal plan passes.

“I will literally play ‘Wonderwall’ for a loaf of Wonder Bread.” Pancakes, who has mastered five whole chords on guitar, has been playing guitar for over seven months.

“I have a talent and I want to share it with the world. I take most of my in-

fluence from Sublime, and I have a couple Nirvana shirts too somewhere.” Pancakes revealed he had finally saved up enough money to buy a poster from the bookstore.

These performers have also caught the eye of the Memorial Union, forcing them to issue a statement on their presence.

“The Memorial Union would like to encourage all students to not feed the performers. They have not obtained their proper paperwork to hold any space in the union. Their presence not only affects the productivity of other students, but we have also discovered that most of them hold subpar talents; we have heard ‘Smoke on the Water’ 17 times today.”

This statement caught the performers we met with by surprise.

“I only really know five songs, to be honest,” Pancakes admits he is not as gifted as other guitar play-

ERIK JONASSON | THE SPECTRUM

Tequila Mockingbird will be appearing and disappearing periodically around campus. ers. “Jimi Hendrix is a little troversial topics like the current generation. Others, bit better than me.” minimum wage or perhaps like this reporter, won’t bore Some may point to con- a lack of motivation for this you with that.

Hastings Out, Jonasson In

Recent backlash leads to dismissal of previous editor-in-chief Erik Jonasson II Opinion Editor

In a shocking move, The Spectrum has decided to fire current Editor-in-Chief Jack Hastings following recent backlash that apparently hurt his feelings. Taking over his place will be Opinion Editor Erik Jonasson II. This move has some people happy, like Hastings, other people confused, like Jonasson and even more people going, “Who the hell is Erik?”

The move will for sure mark a stark change in The Spectrum’s publication.

Most notably, Jonasson has told us that he plans on implementing a final edit on all content.

“I am here to edit all of the voices that come out of this newspaper.” Jonasson,

who felt the backlash as well, notes that he is fed up with continuingly failing the readers.

“I have heard your mean Facebook comments and memes and now I am a changed man.” Jonasson told us he is planning on having a section dedicated to photos of dogs and that the sports section will never publish anything about a North Dakota State team losing.

The news section will become more of a Buzzfeed than a New York Times according to Jonasson under his leadership.

“Our next big news story will be about three different dining centers at three drastically different prices … not to spoil anything, Resident Dining Center served us a truffle covered microwaved omelet.” This will mark a

complete rebranding of The Spectrum, something Jonasson believes has been needed for over a hundred years.

“We are going to be really cautious in this new

dictatorship. We are going to make this paper the best, most thoughtless paper, ever.” Jonasson told us that he also plans on only publishing opinions concerning

the comedy of Nick Offerman and reviews on restaurants not located across the street from the university.

“We are not going to make any mistakes this time

folks. I promise I will be the most, eh, editor-in-chief ever, no more controversies.”

9

THE SPECTRUM | OPINION | THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Incredible: Local Woman Completely Obliterates Guy In Comments Section What an inspiring use of a Saturday night Xanthe Dick

Contributing Writer

Sources reported this morning that North Dakota State sociology major Allison Fischer recently went into a Facebook debate with guns just f---ing blazing. Fischer, 19, has made a reputation for herself as a prodigious Facebook comments debater in the past, perfecting such techniques as “The Hayman,” in which she accuses her opponent of crafting a Strawman, as well as the tried and true classics such as linking the poster to a Snopes article and occasionally

pointing out grammatical errors if the opponent just won’t shut up.

She claims that while she is trying to take a break from social media, she had to intervene when she saw her Uncle Joe being such a “backward misogynist” in the comments section of some news article again. Uncle Joe, who according to his Facebook profile attended “The School of Hard Knocks,” was reluctant to grant an interview about the incident, but when asked for comment, simply linked us to a Milo Yiannopoulos video about how “PC Culture is Ruining America.”

Sources close to the two rivals

reported that the brawl took place underneath a Valley News Live article about immigration and really spiraled downward after Joe began arbitrarily commenting with pictures of Hillary Clinton making unflattering facial expressions accompanied by statements such as, “Trump won, suck it up liberal snowflakes.” Shortly after, Allison entered the scene and just started fact bombing the man left and right like it was an episode of “Dragon Ball Z” or somefin.

Fischer’s Mother, Lisa, stated, “I knew as soon as I saw the words ‘Hide all 73 replies’ that Allison had gone in there and just ripped

him a new asshole and, honestly, I don’t blame her. But I wish for her sake that she would just accept the man is a lost cause.”

Fischer’s best friend, Evan Miller is proud of his friend’s successes but worries her habit may come at a cost, reporting, “You know, I get a little worried about Allison. Like, we go out for brunch sometimes and she’ll be on her phone telling me about whatever Facebook thread she’s involved with and it’s like she’s just totally wired or something from all that adrenaline. Like, go outside; take a run or something. I don’t know.”

At press time, Fischer was still shaking from the experience, stating: “Honestly, I live for this stuff.

It’s like taking candy from a baby.

That’s how easy it is to make this guy look stupid. Like, first of all, Hillary isn’t even the president so I don’t know why he gives a f--if she has dementia, and second of all, he completely failed to cite his sources with regards to his claim that Obama is a secret gay Muslim which is like, again, he’s not even the president.”

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10

Sports

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

NDSUSPECTRUM.COM

The Spectrum

Chris Klieman Pulled Over for Driving With Too Many Championship Rings Brookings PD stops NDSU head coach for possession of rings and other championship paraphernalia Thomas Evanella Staff Writer

The Brookings Police Department announced Tuesday that it made a “completely routine” traffic stop of North Dakota State football head coach Chris Klieman on Interstate 29 over the weekend.

BPD officer Justin Sell pulled Klieman over after spotting the Bison head coach driving the speed limit with both hands on the steering wheel. Sell claims he noted Klieman was wearing what he described as “four or five, maybe even six, gaudy rings,” which he suspected commemorated NDSU’s national titles.

“I had to make a quick judgement to ensure the safety of our city,” Sell explained.

“Seeing those rings on his fingers not only made me personally jealous, but also threatened the sanctity of our city, which incidentally has never won a football championship.”

After Klieman pulled over to the side of the road, Sell shined his flashlight into the car and caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a playbook, jackrabbit voodoo doll and a “hideously offensive” amount of officially branded championship T-shirts, hoodies and hats in the back seat.

“He posed a major threat to the safety of our citizens. I don’t lose sleep over my actions that night,” Sell remarked.

Sell called in backup, which came in the form of three other squad cars and the K9 unit. After roughly an hour and a half, Klieman was brought in for processing, after which he was released when President Dean Bresciani posted his bond.

Klieman was officially charged with six counts of driving while possessing a championship ring and driving with a championship attitude. Charges will most likely be dropped after Bresciani threatened to sue the South Dakota Supreme Court.

Klieman was unable to be reached for comment, although he would probably say something along the lines of, “Real proud of our guys. Special teams were big today. We needed to get off to a fast start.”

The NDSU head coach becomes the second coach in the Missouri Valley Football Conference in trouble with the law in 2018. South Dakota State head man John Stiegelmeier was arrested for having a bit too much to drink before driving on Jan. 27.

BRITTANY HOFMANN | THE SPECTRUM

Chris Klieman finds himself in hot water after a traffic stop in Brookings, South Dakota.

NDSU Athletes to Use Cambridge Test Can you pass the test?

Cody Tusler Staff Writer

North Dakota State students are pushing for a research study where students are to use Cambridge University data to develop a quickthinking test for new athletics recruits.

This can be a good thing used for all sports here at NDSU because the athletes need to be able to think quickly and be ready for a change during their game and have fast reactions and thinking skills to defend what is happening.

Jamarcus King, left benchman for the badminton team, said, “I think it will help players a lot. After I took this test, I could see that I was lacking in quick reaction thinking.”

King went home and studied and came back and improved his score. He has also seen his game improve and now is moved to middle benchman.

So do you think you can pass the test?

Take a try for yourself and find out.

If you can raed tihs, you hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Can you raed tihs?

Olny sarmt poeple can raed tihs.

Aoccdrnig to a rasreech sduty dnoe

at Cmarbidge Uinertvsiy, it deos not mtaetr the oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the iprmoatnt thnig is taht the fisrt and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plcae. The rset can be in any odrer and a cmolptee and taotl mses, and you can sitll raed it whotuit hvanig a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the phaonmneal pwoer of the hmaun mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig, huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas tghuhot sllepnig was imorptant, slliy tacehres. So, I ask you tihs aaign, can you raed tihs?

The FtinsesGarm™ Pcaer Tset is a mlutsigate areboic cpacaity tset taht prgosersviley gtes mroe dfificlut as it cnoniteus. The 20 mteer pcaer tset wlil bgien in 30 scoedns. Lnie up at the sratt. The rnuinng seepd sratts sowlly, but gtes fstear ecah mntuie atefr you haer tihs sgnail. (beep) A snglie lap suhlod be cmoleetpd ecah tmie you haer tihs sunod. (ding) Rmemeebr to run in a srtiaght line, and run as lnog as pssoible. The scenod tmie you fial to cmploete a lap boefroe the snuod, yuor tset is oevr. The tset wlil bgien on the wrod sratt. On yuor mrak. Get radey.

Sratt.

We’re no srtnagres to lvoe You konw the reuls and so do I

A flul cmomtimnte’s waht I’m tihknnig of You wluond’t get this form any oehtr guy I jsut wnana tlel you how I’m fleineg Gtota mkae you udrennatsd Nveer gnona gvie you up Nveer gnona let you dwon Nveer gnona run aorund and dsreet you Nveer gnona mkae you cry Nveer gnona say gdbyooe Nveer gnona tlel a lie and hrut you Ha! Rick Rolled all of you! Come at me bro!

That’s something you say to a friend according to that Geico commercial with the manatees. I wonder if any of them were named Barbara?

Okay, fun is over.

Were you able to read it though? It is amazing what the human brain can do.

One last question before we part our separate ways.

What’s under there?

“What’s under where?!”

You see, udnerwaer is waht you put on udner yuor pntas.

WIKICOMMONS | PHOTO COURTESY

Middle benchman Jamarcus King (dark blue) has seen on-court performance improve due to new testing.

11

THE SPECTRUM | SPORTS | THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

NDUS Announces Activities Series ND schools battle for best school in the state Taylor Schloemer Sports Editor

Last week, the North Dakota University System announced the University System Activities Series to determine the official “Best School in North Dakota.”

“We believe that it is time to officially decide who is the superior school in the state,” University System Activities Series Commissioner John Applebottom said.

“After five years of consulting, the Activities Series Board finally came up with a proper system.”

That system includes all 11 North Dakota schools entering the singleelimination tournament at different times given their classification, whether they are community colleges, universities or research universities.

“The Series opens with a single event play-in game. The two smallest colleges, Dakota College and Williston State, will face off,” Applebottom said.

From there, the winner of the play-in and the rest of colleges, Bismarck State, North Dakota State College of Science and Lake Region State, will pair off with the four universities, Dickinson State, Mayville State, Minot State and Valley City State.

The first round of games will be best of three activities, with the second round expanding to best of five.

The winners of round two will match up with the pair of research universities, North Dakota State and University of North Dakota. The semifinals will be best of five before the finals move to best of seven.

When asked about the inclusion of the two largest schools in the state coming into the bracket so late, Applebottom was defensive.

“We feel like that is the best place to have them enter as it makes the bracket flow nicely. It was not because we secretly feel like those two are the best schools,” Applebottom said with a sly smirk.

As for the activities for the competition, the Activities Series Board came up with a shortlist of 10 events and spread them out among the rounds.

“The play-in game will be an 18-hole frisbee golf game,” Applebottom said.

“From there, the first round will feature

pingpong, croquet and chess. Round two features badminton, whiffle ball and capture the flag before returning to frisbee golf and croquet, if necessary.”

Round three opens with a tug-of-war, followed by paintball, ultimate frisbee, an esport and chess.

“The esport competition will be the great equalizer. The school trailing will get to pick the game that will be used, allowing for a 24-hour preparation period,” Applebottom said.

The final consists of pingpong, badminton, whiffle ball, mini golf, capture the flag, esport before the all-deciding tugof-war, if needed.

“The variation of activities is what makes this competition so unique. Couple that with the fact that any student can compete for any stage, this will become the most inclusive college event in the state,” Applebottom said.

The prize is the first of its kind. The winning school’s students will receive $25 each.

“We learned from North Carolina, if you make the prize available to all students, then there are no issues anywhere,” Applebottom said.

Along with the money, the winning school will get to develop an alternative to Campus Connection. Once the software is developed, the school will no longer need to use Campus Connection.

“We have heard some complaints about the system, so we will let them do something about it,” Applebottom said.

For the fans of the series, the events will be televised. Viewing parties will be set up at local establishments, as NDSU head of NDUS AS fans Brock Lee explained.

“Originally, we were thinking about having the viewing parties at a local bar, but after about hearing the details about the variety of activities involved in the NDUS AS, we decided that a menu with similar traits should be used. And it so happens the place already has Bison colors, Perkins,” Lee said.

The time and dates, along with the TV channel are yet to be set, but the final will be presented on ESPN 8.

“We are happy to partner with the Ocho for the championship round of the Series. It is a big honor for us all,” Applebottom said.

Even T.J. Otzelberger Didn’t Pick the Jackrabbits in His Bracket SDSU head coach joins Mike Daum in confessing they didn’t expect to win Thomas Evanella Staff Writer

This past Wednesday, South Dakota State men’s basketball coach T.J. Otzelberger admitted that even he didn’t pick his Jackrabbits in his March Madness bracket. SDSU fell to Ohio State by a score of 83-71 in the first round of the tournament March 15.

Choosing the Jackrabbits was not in the cards for the head coach. He cited their inferior athleticism and lack of a scoring threat as reasons for selecting Ohio State over his own squad.

“Yep, I’ll be the first to admit it; I didn’t think we’d get past the Buckeyes,” Otzelberger confessed at his season ending press conference in Brookings. “I just didn’t think our guys had what it took, and actually the silver lining is that I’m leading the athletic department bracket pool because of it. All those suckers thought we actually stood a chance.”

Otzelberger is actually the second member of the Jackrabbits squad to admit not picking his own team. Junior big man and NBA prospect Mike Daum slipped up

and made the revealing confession at the postgame press conference after the loss.

“I mean, the loss really stings but my bracket is still perfect,” Daum remarked. “(David) Jenkins, Jr., he had us in the Sweet 16. Stupid freshman.”

Otzelberger did have a penchant for upset picks however, selecting No. 16 Maryland-Baltimore County over No. 1 Virginia. The head coach, who concludes his second season at the helm, also had No. 11 Loyola-Chicago in the Final Four.

“You ask my wife, she’ll tell you, I am a huge dog lover. Both of those teams have dog logos, so it was an easy choice for me on that front,” he stated.

Otzelberger presently holds a slight edge over athletic director Justin Sell atop the SDSU athletic department bracket pool heading into the Final Four. The winner receives a blue and yellow bedazzled championship belt, the only thing even remotely resembling a championship trophy in Brookings.

12

THE SPECTRUM | NORTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY | THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Why is Paul Miller Sad All the Time?

Photos by Brittany Hofmann

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