R ECTUM
MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015
SECTION B
The
Color Me Dean-o! THE SPECTRUM’S ANNUAL APRIL FOOL’S DAY SATIRICAL SUPPLEMENT
Stop what you're doing. Find your Crayolas. Color President Dean-o. Submit your colored pages to The Spectrum office by April 2 to be registered for our "Color Me Dean-O" contest. Submissions (if we get any) will be judged primarily on whether drawers kept it between the lines (or not) and uniqueness (get wild). Be creative. Be unwise with your time. Be a Bison.
Satire:
n. “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose the idiosyncrasies of life, particularly topical happenings.” Content inside is strictly satirical and for mature audiences only. Go Bison.
2B
News
MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
The RECTUM
Satire: n. “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose the idiosyncrasies of life, particularly topical happenings.” Content inside is strictly satirical and for mature audiences only. Go Bison.
The ‘Moses Makeover’: Ingram Grateful for Prophet’s Hairstyling Moses isn’t the only one partying with the part Matthew Marluke Johnson Heavens Reporter
Provost Beth Ingram awakes and prepares for the day like any other woman. She enjoys a shower, steaming up her bathroom. She puts Crest on her electric toothbrush and scrubs her enamel for one minute. And she summons Moses, prophet of the Ancient Israelites, to help her get her hairdo just right. “Moze and I go back,” Ingram said with a smile. “Oh, we go back.” Ingram, NDSU’s firstyear provost, said it’s an interesting relationship with the man who parted the Red Sea and led the Israelites out of Egypt. “Some people don’t believe me when I tell them Moses, the man in the Bible, parts my hair in the morning,” she said. Moses said he faces similar scrutiny for his friendship in Heaven. “I remember the first time I told Elijah and J.C. about helping Beth every morning,” he said. “Jesus was all like, ‘Hashtag W.T.F.’” The two met by
happenstance at a Starbucks nearly a decade ago in Des Moines, Iowa. “I said, ‘Aren’t you Moses?’ and he said with that wicked smile of his, ‘What gave it away?’” Ingram said. “I told him the wooden staff he was carrying around in a Starbucks was a bit of a hint.” Moses said he remembers that day well, too. “She bought a Venti dirty chai latte, iced,” he said. “I knew she was looking for business.” The two struck up further conversation, which focused on normal small talk: weather and corn. “You have to remember we were in Iowa,” Ingram said. Soon, though, Ingram dropped a bomb. “I just told him, ‘Moses, writer of the Ten Commandments, I need you to fix my ‘do,” she said. The biblical figure was taken aback, but Moses said the request didn’t completely surprise him. “It was 2005, and she was trying to make this hybrid buzz cut/ ponytail thing work,” he said, slightly grimacing at
the thought. “So after a few minutes of deep contemplation, I said, ‘How about a part?’” Ingram said she admitted she was skeptical at first, but given Moses’ supreme track record with parting objects, she allowed the “Moses Makeover” to happen. “It’s one of the best decisions of my life,” Ingram said. “I haven’t used a comb in years, and I, frankly, am rocking this.” Moses concurred, saying helping Ingram with her hair brings him back to a simpler time. “I often reminisce about parting the Red Sea to let the Israelites escape Egypt before dropping the water on Pharaoh’s people,” Moses said. “Those were the glory days.” “Now, by splitting Beth’s hair right down the middle – I mean it’s not exactly the same thing, and I realize I won’t get put in Exodus for this – but it brings me back.” When it comes to haircuts, Ingram said she beckons Delilah from The Book of Judges. “She did such a fabulous job with Samson,” she said. “She hasn’t lost her touch a Provost Beth Ingram gets help from Moses with her hairdo. millennia later.”
NAIL ME MAYBE (EMILY BEAMAN) | THE SPECTRUM
Money Can’t Buy Happiness, but Cocaine and Equality Can Society of Women Engineers use cocaine in bathrooms to help fight for equality I am a Creep (Pace Maier) Co-News Editor (Daily Prophet)
White powdered noses are becoming a fashion trend at North Dakota State. Walk into any women’s bathroom in the engineering complex and you’ll
find ladies strapped in backpacks using their Bison IDs to slice up lines on the edges of the sinks between classes. These students are fighting for equality within the College of Engineering, but their secret is their supply of some of the freshest cocaine in the state. One female engineering
student said she snorts cocaine because “it’s the only way [she] can handle the pressure of breaking through the glass ceiling.” Males have long dominated the College of Engineering at NDSU. The female students haven’t had the most success fighting the inequality problem, but with the help
of cocaine they hope to bust through the doors … literally. NDSU professors have reportedly seen female students plowing through locked classroom doors. Some teaching assistants in the college have even said they have seen students floating inside the buildings. One student said she
heard a classmate singing “So High,” by Wiz Khalifa. “Somewhere in the clouds that’s where we wanna be uh huh,” a women-engineering student said as she was floating in thin air. The Society of Women Engineers encourages other women to attend their weekly “Equality for All”
meetings, where President Mackayla Headlee distributes $1 bills for members to snort. Once the buzz hits, people start to shout out ideas on how to get equal rights within the engineering college. The term powdering ones nose now has a whole new meaning.
Cutting-Edge NDSU Research: Separating One-Ply Toilet Paper Breakthrough in thought process allows for thinning Jan Ettor
Senior Bathroom Correspondent
#ThinningIsWinning. The hashtag is not trending on The Twitter yet, but researchers at North Dakota State think it’s only a matter of time before the world discovers what one scientist is hailing as “greater than not being homeless.” Dr. Lou John has studied toilet paper for decades right here in Fargo, devoting countless hours to the science behind the behind’s cleaner. “People think it’s an unglamorous job,” John said, with an all-to-knowing laugh. “I’ll tell you what an unglamorous job is: being homeless.” John, who confirmed multiple times he is not
homeless, said it’s an important field of study. “Teepeeology will change the way the world wipes,” he said. “And with our new innovation, the future starts now.” For years, studiers of toilet paper have been stumped, John said. They just didn’t know how to make the product more efficient and less thick. John said it’s an enigma that’s kept him up since he first got into the business. “I slept less than a homeless man on Mountain Dew!” he exclaimed. But then one day: eureka. The revolutionary thought is complex, one that takes up multiple chalkboards with formulas if the scientist writes really big, John said. But in layman’s terms,
“My tuition already covers my education, meal plan and housing. It doesn’t need to cover extravagantly thick one-ply toilet paper.” – Liberty Johnson, freshman it’s this: Cut one-ply toilet paper in half. John’s breakthrough has sent ripples across campus and the community. “As a research-driven land-grant university, this kind of work epitomizes what NDSU is all about,” President Dean Bresciani said. “Lou John is an exceptional faculty member and is not homeless.” Students are impressed, too. “My tuition already covers my education, meal
plan and housing,” Liberty Johnson, a freshman, said. “It doesn’t need to cover extravagantly thick one-ply toilet paper.” The product Though just exiting primary testing now, John exclusively shared his new toilet paper with The Rectum. At first glance, the toilet paper does not look out of the obvious: it’s white, light and lacking design and smoothness. “But,” John said, “Look
how easily it tears.” With the tiniest of tugs, the toilet paper rips into five pieces. A single tear trickled down John’s cheek as he started the slow clap for himself. “It’s marvelous,” he said. The toilet paper, which Bresciani confirmed will be implemented in all campus stalls by next semester, is projected to save the university twice as much product and money. That’s an annual saving of $85. Bresciani said it’s unclear whether these savings will be negated for purchasing more soap, for, although the thin toilet paper is like manna from heaven, feces-covered fingers are often a side effect of usage. John has an answer for
that issue, thankfully. “Don’t wash,” he said. “If you’re homeless and don’t have a sink, it’s fine, too.” John said using one’s pants for a quick wipe is also “hip.” And John knows hip. “When you think of thin, you think of in,” John said. “Pizza, models, homeless people: Thin is in.” “It’s at least the 20th century,” he continued, “Why are we still putting up with two-ply.” As for future endeavors, John said there is a clear goal yet to attain. “I’m looking to create the world’s first transparent toilet paper,” he said. “It’ll be like wiping with your hand, only you’re not until the paper tears.”
3B
Features
MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
The RECTUM
Satire: n. “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose the idiosyncrasies of life, particularly topical happenings.” Content inside is strictly satirical and for mature audiences only. Go Bison.
Good ol’ Prakash, more chill-axed than ever.
Prakash Mathew:
FILE PHOTO | THE SPECTRUM
Living the High Life
Beet Sacks
Features Editor (to everyone’s discontent)
Prakash Mathew has enjoyed a productive and fruitful year since retiring from his position as Vice President of Student Affairs at North Dakota State. The beloved campus icon took time out of his still intensely busy schedule to talk to The Rectum about how he spends his days in a work-free, perpetual vacation. Mathew indulges himself by sleeping in until 9:30 a.m. (sharp), 10 a.m. on Saturdays. He finally has free time to catch up on Baudelaire poetry and get in shape – workout of choice being rowing. Mathew’s travel dreams have been met through excursions with his wife to the igloo villages of Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland and the Island of the Dolls in Mexico City. Beyond the additional travel added to his agenda, the extra time he has for gardening is the most sizeable advantage. As the campus community is already aware, the garden-enthusiast in Mathew has always existed. His longtime hobby benefits both his health and social life. New undertakings in his greenhouse include cilantro, rosemary, tarragon and cannabis.
“The addition of weed in my growing endeavors seems logical,” Mathew stated candidly. “Constant backaches from my wild new lifestyle, as well as the entertaining possibilities, make hash my favorite new plant. Plus, it’s medicinal – ya’ know?” On any given Friday afternoon (after a bubble bath and cello lesson), Mathew will harvest his garden and invite his best friends over for dinner – Breciani I see you. “It’s obvious preparation for a six-course meal,” Mathew said. “Since I began rolling up pre-dinner, I could never go back.” Pot has also provided additional financial support for the luxurious lifestyle Mathew has carried into retirement. Not only can he serve as a safe, reliable dealer for the rest of the NDSU administration, the legalization in other states and medicinal purposes have made Mathew’s weed garden a hot ticket. Many student dealers noticed a drastic drop in sales once Mathew got heavy in the business. Despite his gentle nature, these tendencies can be set-aside during serious heists. Once Mathew realized the potential of the weed business, he became nearly ravenous for sales – and consumption. “Finding a balance between what is sold and what is consumed is tricky,” Mathew said. “Only so much can be expected of the
Prakash Mathew closes another deal in the Great Plains Ballroom last spring.
plants, and it’s common courtesy to take care of my buyers first. But retirement has taught me that a bit of selfishness is okay too.” He has yet to find himself in any legal fiascos, but a foolproof plan is already in place should the police get involved.
FILE PHOTO | THE SPECTRUM
“If the po-po start sniffing around my business, I’ll offer to sell them some on discount,” Mathew said. “Once they start puffing, they’ll understand where I’m coming from.” In the wise words of the former VP: “You gotta hustle.”
Humans of NDSU Beet Sacks (Tessa Beck)
Features Editor (aka: fluff section master)
How do you two spend your free time when you’re not on presidential duties? “We can typically be found sniffing glue and watching Tony Danza reruns.”
FACEBOOK.COM | PHOTO COURTESY
4B
Opinion
MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
The RECTUM
Satire: n. “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose the idiosyncrasies of life, particularly topical happenings.” Content inside is strictly satirical and for mature audiences only. Go Bison.
Spring Blast has been moved to Churchill Field to celebrate the destruction of the STEM building.
NAIL ME MAYBE (EMILY BEAMAN) | THE SPECTRUM
NDSU Knocks Down STEM
to Build Parking Ramp A lack of seniority causes STEM to go BOOM Web Cleansers (Caleb Werness)
Opinion Editor (Not what I applied for)
Concrete, concrete everywhere, nor any place to park. Parking has been an issue at North Dakota State since the first time Minard fell down. Now, the newly progressing STEM building is taking the fall for NDSU parking. The decision was heavily contested amongst school officials as to what building would house
NDSU’s first parking ramp. For a while the STEM building and Minard were neck and neck in the race to fall on the sword, but STEM eventually came out on top — or below depending on viewpoint. Provost Beth Ingram favored saving NDSU’s latest construction projection in favor for knocking down Minard. “Let’s be honest, Minard has already come down once,” Ingram said. “So what is one more time?” NDSU President Dean Bresciani vehemently disagreed, citing the notorious reputation for contractors the school hires moving slower than the
“I think this will be a spectacle for all of campus to enjoy and will be remember for years to come or until the freshman graduate,”-Dean Brescian, President concrete they pour. “Minard took over four years to reassemble, and that was only for half the building,” Bresciani said. “I don’t want to see the campus take on two construction projects simultaneously. Neither would ever actually get finished.” After much deliberation, the pushing point came due to Minard’s seniority. Minard Hall has stood
proudly for two and a half years and will hopefully stay that way for at least the next ten. The construction of the STEM building has been suspended indefinitely as preparations for the decimation of the building’s progress are now in affect. As parking has become a campus-wide issue, Bresciani has announced plans to throw a party for
the building’s destruction. The Spring Blast celebration has changed location from the Fargodome to outside of Churchill Hall for attenders to see. Student government has dropped Scotty McCreery in favor for rock band, Linkin Park, who will be only performing their hit “Burn It Down.” “I think this will be a spectacle for all of campus to enjoy and will be remember for years to come or until the freshman graduate,” Bresciani said. On top of the explosives for the detonation, green and gold fireworks will be fired from the roof of the
Memorial Union. It is good to see NDSU finally make some fiscally practical decisions. Why pour money into a parking ramp and a STEM building when we can just have a parking ramp? The rise in student fees are proof this is a necessary action. Students can look forward to finally having places to park their vehicles on campus, thus eliminating the stress of having to dodge the parking police on a day-today basis. Under standard NDSU construction procedures, the projected date for the parking ramp completion is set for 2021.
How to Avoid the Pesky Pamphlet People
Tips and alternative routes to keep you from having to acknowledge them
Web Cleansers
(It’s harder than people think)
In the Midwest, we thrive on having a sunny demeanor and a cheery disposition. Nothing interrupts this like having to deal with the Union dwellers bent on stopping anyone who crosses their path. It seems everyday a new group is looking to recruit you or give you information about the latest thing to protest.
are actively bobbing your head and putting a little funk in your step. This is also the only instance when playing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” is still acceptable. Another option is one I would recommend in selective situations: lowering your head and running at full speed. There are benefits to this as well as trade-offs. The first benefit to this is that you will zip right past anyone trying to get your attention. Possibly adding a loud shout as you run past will assist your chances of success as
you zoom by in a blur of insanity. The one drawback comes when the rugby team is in the middle of recruitment. Tackling people who are running and screaming is the basis of their sport. Feigning a fit of lunacy will not stop them from pulling you into the scrum. The most effective method of avoiding these attention parasites is to meander cleverly through the alternative paths in the Union. Say you need to get from the Union south parking lot to the coffee
it’s inside all
r
There is nothing wrong with indulging these people and letting them pitch you a pre-rehearsed speech, but sometimes there is no time to stop. Getting to class on time is first priority. At times, one must seek alternative methods to avoid being stopped. The first tip may be commonly known: wear headphones – the larger the better. This is the one instance for which Beats by Dre are actually a worthwhile investment. But simply wearing headphones alone is not quite good enough. To really sell it, make sure you
S
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shop. A few simple maneuvers will allow you to slip by incognito. First, walk into the Union from the south lot. Next shuffle up the wheelchair ramp and quickly dart into the campus bookstore. Pretend to peruse the shops wears, and when you see the people are distracted, make your move diagonally northward towards the stairs. A swift sprint is recommended but a less conspicuous power walk will also suffice. Once you have reached the stairs, descend to the basement. Continue
heading north toward Panda Express – if you don’t know where that is, just follow the line of hungry people. After a hundred or so feet, turn left and head up the stair. Take another right and weave in between the plethora of students putting off their homework. On your right will be your destination, safe at last. By following these simple tips, you can be certain you will never again reluctantly sign-up for a club or commit to an event again.
R ECTUM The
MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015
Arts & Entertainment
5B NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
The RECTUM Satire: n. “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose the idiosyncrasies of life, particularly topical happenings.” Content inside is strictly satirical and for mature audiences only. Go Bison.
NAIL ME MAYBE (EMILY BEAMAN) | THE SPECTRUM
Downtown Fargo Breaks From Regular Fargo Former core of Fargo takes matters into its own hands
A Duck Jar (Jack Dura)
Former Dishwasher
Last Thursday, representatives of Fargo’s central business district presented city commissioners with a declaration of title, effectively splitting downtown Fargo off from the main city. It’s a surprise move for the former core of Fargo, a region of the city that’s grown in population and popularity in recent years. With numerous eateries and arts organizations located in Downtown Fargo (formerly downtown Fargo (note the lowercase D)), Fargo’s former core has all the sustainability it needs to float its
own city, Downtown Fargo Mayor Doug Burgum said, but it lacks money and a city government. Burgum, elected late Friday in an election no one saw coming, will now do mayor things for Downtown Fargo, which includes all property west of the Red River, south of Sixth Avenue North, north of Second Avenue South and east of 10th Street. The split is not completely unexpected: Burgum’s push for a skyscraper that nondowntowners didn’t want and recent gossip about a trolley system for Broadway pushed the new mayor over the edge last week. Securing a declaration of title for the new city was no trouble at all, Burgum said. “Anyone can make a city,” he said. “This is
North Dakota.” With 72.345 percent of all Fargo arts and entertainment groups cloistered in Downtown Fargo, it is clear regular Fargo has lost quite a bit of its culture. Fargo Mayor Tim Mahoney was clearly upset when contacted late Saturday about the downtown split. “Saturday Night Live” was on, he said. “You are interrupting my show,” Mahoney said. “But I’ll tell you one thing: Those people can have their trolley and ride it too.” The city government of Downtown Fargo is still up in the air, but Burgum will appoint others in the coming weeks, he said. Meanwhile, the new city of Downtown Fargo joins the ranks of Prairie Rose, North
River, Reile’s Acres and Frontier—all small cities surrounding or within regular Fargo. “Lamprey towns, essentially,” Mahoney said before the phone line went dead. As for what regular Fargo will do now, no other city officials could be contacted Saturday night. There’s a hole in the heart of regular Fargo, but Downtown Fargo is feeling pretty fulfilled, Burgum said. “Hey, we made a city, that’s pretty cool,” he said. “Downtown Fargo’s the place to be. We’ve got skyscrapers and trolleys and none of them are even real yet, but they’ll be there. Once Downtown Fargo gets some money and a government, we’ll be doing great.”
NAIL ME MAYBE (EMILY BEAMAN) | THE SPECTRUM
Now Introducing: One Deanrection
President Bresciani to replace Zayn Malik in boy band
Sabrina Erdely
Really Credible Journalist, Look Me Up
Don’t call it a midlife crisis, North Dakota State President Dean Bresciani said. Bresciani sat comfortably on the bus with his four new band mates, the bus snaking its way through traffic in London. “I’ve always had a thirst for singing, particularly in the genre of teen pop,” Bresciani said on the One Direction tour bus. “I am not sure why everyone is so startled by this decision.” The president did admit it has been a weeklong whirlwind. Zayn Malik announced Wednesday
he would be leaving the boy band, citing wishes to lead a more normal life. On the contrary, Bresciani said he has been yearning to spice up his life. Joining the 20-somethings on their world tour might help, he said. “I gave Harrison a call, and here we are,” Bresciani said. The recipient of the phone call, Harry Styles, confirmed Bresciani called them minutes after Malik’s departure was made public. “I was like, ‘what the bloody hell; who are you?’” Styles said of Bresciani. “Then I was like, ‘how did you get this number?’” Bresciani laughed without moving his mouth as Styles brought up their first encounter.
“Kids,” Bresciani said, unblinkingly. While the bumps are still being ironed out, the transition, the president said, has been smooth. “I told these whippersnappers I am a Bison, a trailblazer,” Bresciani said. “I think we’re in accord among us that I’m singing lead.” Niall Horan laughed uneasily, but his chuckles faded slowly and silence consumed the bus, once again. Liam Payne broke the unnerving quiet, saying he thought Bresciani’s accent was cool. “Thank you, Leah,” Bresciani responded. “We have this saying back home: Once a Bison, always a Bison.” The president did not elaborate on why
he mentioned that. As for the future, NDSU’s head official has big plans. “I’m spit balling here,” Bresciani said, excitedly. “But if we changed our name to ‘One Dean-rection,’ that’d be, what do y’all call it, hip.” Louis Tomlinson tried to say something, but the president would not be stopped. “And the Rogaine is working. And I know my voice and history will tap into an untouched demographic,” he said. “Old people,” Styles whispered. Bresciani remained vague about how he’ll run NDSU from abroad, but his aspirations with the band were crystal clear. “The Beatles will have nothing on us,” Bresciani said. “We serve our citizens.”
6B
Sports
MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2015
NDSUSPECTRUM.COM
The RECTUM
Satire: n. “The use of humor, irony, exaggeration or ridicule to expose the idiosyncrasies of life, particularly topical happenings.” Content inside is strictly satirical and for mature audiences only. Go Bison.
Klieman to Take Advice
from Bisonville Forums, Bison Picked to Go 0-11 Online NDSU football enthusiasts finally get their say The Internet has finally cracked NDSU head coach Klieman, as the second-year head coach will make all his coaching decisions from Bisonville.
Her Dreams (Sam Herder) Captain
The people on the Internet know what they’re talking about after all. In an unorthodox announcement, North Dakota State head football coach Chris Klieman said all future coaching decisions will be based off the opinions and input of Bisonville posts. Bisonville, an online forum for NDSU fans to voice their concerns and thoughts, has 15,047
threads and 466,163 posts of well thought out, competent sentences of trash. But even with Bisonvillers being notoriously known as brainwashed gossipers, Klieman is excited about new ideas and suggestions for his team. “With middle-aged men consistently on Bisonville during the workday, they probably spend more time thinking of NDSU football than me,” Klieman said. “I like their enthusiasm, their willingness to go onto other online boards
and bash anyone who says something negative about the Bison, and I love their ‘inside sources’ within our program. And they obviously know the game of football.” Factually known as the “best fans in the world,” NDSU diehards now get their laughable opinions put to good use. While the online fans are celebrating with mom’s special meatloaf, the legit Bison fans with season tickets are not happy with Klieman ignoring them. With Bisonvillers now
in charge, Klieman should be prepared to jump to FBS, to fire Tim Polasek and Matt Entz the first game NDSU doesn’t score over 14 points or give up more than 17 points and to change the intro video back to the original. All future games with the University of North Dakota are immediately cancelled. “We are BisoNation, and to have coach Klieman listen to what we have to say shows we are the best sports organization on Earth,” LakesBison, a well-
known online Bison rube, said. “The FCS is our little brother. College football in general looks at NDSU on how to run their football program. We are the staple, the poster child, of college athletics. Bring on ‘Bama. Bring on LSU. We hate hockey.” Not only will Bisonville have a say in decisions, play calling and player development are also under the authority of the Internet people. Now that Trevor Gebhart has graduated, Bisonville is in search of another wide receiver to
FILE PHOTO | THE SPECTRUM
adamantly say needs to be thrown the ball deep more. Chris Board is also set to blitz every play. “There’s no way this can go bad,” Klieman said. “This is NDSU. We are king. Best fans. Best football. We hate hockey,” LakesBison added. In other NDSU footballrelated news, preseason polls released by the Missouri Valley Football Conference have the Bison going 0-11.
Once and For All
Two teams play each other in every other sport except football, hockey
No Cool Plot (Colton Pool) Your Mom
Which is better: University of North Dakota hockey or North Dakota State football? Is it the Bison, reigning as the Division I JV four-time champion or the upper-class program of a sport only Minnesota cares about? Let’s find out, both school’s university’s athletic directors said Saturday. After three hours of playing with hundreds of origami fortune tellers (you know, those things you
played with as a kid made by folding a piece of paper and it had four sections? Ya that thing) NDSU head coach Chris Klieman and UND head coach Dave Hakstol decided on billiards, snail racing, rock-paper-scissors, extreme ironing, thumb wrestling, cup stacking, hide and seek, hot dog eating, stone skipping and beer pong. Since this is an NDSU publication, I will use my unbiased opinion to show how NDSU is better. In every way. First, over 19,000 fans gathered in Thunder’s Den for billiards, where UND’s stick expertise came in
handy and won handily (no pun or sexual innuendo intended). Then came the snail racing and by great Zues’ beard there has never been a louder, stupider crowd at a snail race. After long arguments on whether to race on a football field or a hockey rink, the teams went with the rink in hopes of making the race faster. The race was still in progress as of press time. In the rock-paperscissors contest, it all came down to luck. Seeing as how UND was only in this conversation at all because of luck, they won making it 2-0.
Thumb wrestling was interestingly close, but luckily Hayden Zillmer came in to teach Carlton Littlejohn some moves, so NDSU closed the gap to 2-1. UND is great with cups after downing them up there in Mediocre Forks, so they won the cup stacking, making it 3-1. Those sneaky UND players were good with hide-and-seek too, but since it came down to tagging the hider, the Bison just ran until the hockey players fell over in fatigue. After a night of rest and waking up the hockey players sleeping in the
parking lot (they also woke up with tickets on their faces), things moved onto hot dog eating. Guess who won? If you bet on those hockey dudes, you’d be right. Sons of Now UND was up 4-1. The Bison had their backs against the wall with only two more sports to go. I’ll take stone skipping for 400, Alex. Double Jeopardy! Sports are now worth two points. Carson Wentz dominated as did John Crockett and the backup quarterbacks, but somehow, someway, UND won, making it 6-1. Then they started beer pong. It was fun. like the
band. UND knew they would be bad, so they asked me to play. Who new John Crocket was so good at shooting ping pong balls??? Seriously? Write a letter to the editer. Who knew this?! TELL ME?! Cuz I play too long and Davey Crocket got me good. Anyway, after checking in with those snails, sports stuff. Go Bizon and went the Bizon did. I lost the stat person, so I started keeping score, and football goes by touchdowns, so NDSU won 7-2. In immortal words of the dean: (GAW BAWZUNNNNN.”