polaroids
snapshots from a life with God
peter christensen
laughing:5 19:crying
asking:38 52:waiting
laughing
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i’m going to invent a new god and love will be his name. he’ll have other names too like fun & wild & free & alive and we’ll go for walks each day love & i having fun going wild being free feeling alive. and we’ll have no rules except to listen and love and we’ll listen and love and love and listen because i love him and he me. and as we fall about in each other’s arms freely wildly lavishly foolishly loving i’ll be the ruin of his good name but he won’t care because the only name he cares about is love.
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come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, you say and i sigh with relief and flop down at your feet unburdening myself, telling you what’s going on: my pressures, troubles, the burdens i’m carrying i dump them down and say give me the yoke that is easy the load that is light.
you smile. ask if you need to say anything.
put down your burdens then, you say with a smile and i say Lord, i’ve laid them all down, weren’t you listening? do i have to start over again?
(heart dances a jig. mind shuts off only to be kicked by heart to respond)
oh those, you say, i guess they're 'burdens’, but i want your real burdens. give me those and i can give you the easy yoke
everything. that’s the easy yoke. the light burden. what can be lighter than nothing?
heart understands because a heart can smell out hope a million miles away but mind is slow what burdens are left, it asks and you smile. have i forgotten something? why don’t you remind me then? some sin from childhood?
coming? he asks (smiling)
yes! mind shouts (but heart smiles) the one thing you lack, he says (mind runs for cover) is to let everything go
let go what, i say suspiciously
and reluctantly, like a stubborn toddler who knows the game’s up and the tantrums no fun anymore i follow (and smile)
(desperation concealing hopeful heart and fearful mind) 8
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dear God i’m a lazy person. sorry. amen. there's a pause (a long one) then a serious down his nose look at me. a frown. and then his lips twitch eyes gleam body shakes, and he rolls about laughing. lazy? great! so am I but God, i start to say (this makes him laugh even more) but God, you never rest or sleep you’re always here for us you created the whole earth you’re the man the woman you’re it you can’t be lazy nonsense, he laughs rubbish, heresy i love putting my feet up to talk with you. i love to run and play, to dance whenever i can: what i need are more lazy people with time for loving me 10
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forgive me for i have enjoyed myself.
forgive me: me whose name was sin, for i have found a new lover and duty and sternness and severe tones and serious looks and hearty exhortations (no, not even threats of hell) can pull me from his embrace.
forgive my lover too for he was with me we spent the day walking laughing singing exploring discovering touching. forgive me: you whose god is stern forgive me: you for whom life is so serious forgive me: you whose god does not change like the seasons and the weather like the heart and the soul. forgive me: for i have lusted over grace sold myself for mercy gotten drunk with hopelessness that was turned into hope. forgive me: for i have run through the wide open gate of God’s heart, and now lie in his bed with no remorse.
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he whose name is forgiveness mercy grace hope is now mine and i his: forgiven
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sorry i’m not being very spiritual God good, you say for i’d rather you be yourself than spiritual any day
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God: be still! stop moving about. you’re jiggling your foot: stop it! God: be still. we are having a ‘moment’ you and i don’t spoil it please stay still and let me drink it in don’t put your clothes back on: i want to write draw photograph capture you. naked.
i’m still here but God has gone. again. i thought this was a holy place for him and i that this time we had it together, had a future but his toothbrush is gone novels, pjs, suitcase too and i know he’s hit the road again my restless lover
that’s better: just breathe slowly and be. with me. God: you’re restless again i can tell you’re unhappy here held in one place. you’re sad, less yourself life draining from you: colour to monotone. God: you’re fading, don’t die on me. God?
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God of the campfire of the deep storytelling of our true home the place of memory and of future of being now
God of the campfire stillness God of depth God of life God of compassion God of the eyes that see what others forget God of freedom and abundant life
God of the dance in the desert the red cracked earth big sky ocean of stars
God deliver me from myself
God of dreaming hoping laughing crying O God, deliver me from myself from the chains i make to bind my dreams and spirit God unleash the laughter in my soul the dreaming and the freedom God unleash the silliness and impishness
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when we stop worrying there is art when we are content to live with things unfinished half-done there is art when we dream wild dreams when we risk ourselves our respectability there is art when we ignore the phantoms in our heads the bosses, teachers, stern parents to run with our passions there is art when we are free to be free to be ourselves in fulness when we embrace the Source and start to live abundantly
with abandon
there is art (and there you art)
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crying
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battle scars be still stop reliving battles lost and won be still. time has moved on and life has changed (for better and worse) but your battles are done and wounds healed be still. battle scars be silent: i will remember you don’t worry. but don’t worry me with your agitation, new life is here the old must go so be still be still tonight be silent be silent tonight
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but now? question for you God. this moment pain betrayal abandonment are you here now?
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creator help me to trust that you are creator. help me to trust that you are still painting on this canvas that you are continually re-creating all that i have lost when i was born into fear pain brokenness sickness when i was born lost creator create in me new life. rebirth me into dream hope love life help me to find again that life of mine that you promised; abundant life
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memorial in a public square: testament to a life lived well testament to hope. but some memories are too painful for memorials some experiences entirely lived in the shadows this then is a memorial in the middle of nowhere: ‘in memory of forgetting’ forgetting a past that does not deserve remembering: a past that took love squashed hope and stole what it could never replace and so then, lost in the wind a memorial: ‘in memory of forgetting’
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in darkness you are there. in absence you are there. in the sorrow of a heart grieving loss you are there. where we are not, where we are yet to go, where we fear to tread, where our will crumbles into sin, where we are at our lowest, you are there. in every moment you are here. help me to be present to you. here. now. help me to be present God.
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leaden soul within lift one eye heavenward and plead for mercy don’t give up and lie there dead legs up blood seeping-draining from wounds there is still hope the sun may rise again light may shine in us once more corked bottle of my soul don’t give up - keep fighting: you may yet find land your message of despair might be heard o soul: weary life within we feel your surrender and fear listen: i, heart, still beat we, eyes, still see we, ears, still hear messages of hope breathe: breathe again soul wash your wounds with the tears you shed and hope-please hope-for hope is your life and you are the life within us 34
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to whom shall i compare thee o true believers a summer’s garden full of scent and blazing with colour? no: you are a wrecker’s yard crowded with derelicts – piles of trashed cars wrecked lives bits and pieces strewn everywhere rusting, broken God present.
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over many years i’ve been counselled coached prayed for discipled mentored taught led delivered but seldom have i been loved
finally i found that someone (a psychologist) and i’m angry at the wasted years when i was dumb talking to deaf people (who i now pray God save me from)
i’ve been everywhere to find healing: i’ve spent time money pride i’ve spent myself.
teach me to be that person who walks alongside first seeking to listen understand have compassion before asking permission to walk together on a road that might lead to healing teach me to be you
in my search i’ve been condemned, explained to, analysed, helped, fixed all in your name at your and my expense. now i wonder what you thought at what they said when they talked without loving
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creator, i am creature: comfort sought yearning hoping longing for change to come for feet to find your rhythm creator, i am created: i am out of you from your love i am
but i am lost i am hurt i am i am i am‌can you hear me creator?
creator, i am creativity: born and yet still waiting for birth creator dance creation into being in me
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light:come and take me i am lost here in my darkness this darkness light:come i have taken off my clothes skin muscle sinew bones being and am naked in my nothingness come, fill light:listen listen as i cry in the night of my life i lie exposed hoping for light to come waiting through the night
exposed
light:light:light:light one day you will shine again i know that you will come that brightness can win though i am lost for now another patient casualty victim i won’t forget the light i once saw i won’t stop hoping waiting light:come:light:come light:come:light 42
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asking
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it’s said that the first shall be last:the last first i wonder what that means as i rush to do my best, to win (or at the very least beat another so i know that i’m not last or least) there’s another problem the least in the world the greatest in the kingdom well people don’t know the least they don’t get any recognition awards rewards and though i’m not the greatest (because that’s not holy is it?) at least i’m not the least (or anywhere near). there’s a game we play in this world God about getting ahead and slipping back in the race for the goal i wonder: when you play it, are the ladders snakes and snakes ladders?
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she asked me what my passions were i said i don’t know but i know what inspires me she said tell me and so i let it go all at once and lived for a moment in the telling of a story. she said why don’t you live the story you tell: i said i don’t know. and she told me that i do know but i’m scared i said don’t talk the truth not tonight, not anytime she said why be afraid of the truth and i said i don’t know i just don’t know
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what does it mean to create to take nothing and make it something, a blank square of cotton transformed?
by a vision? hope? trust? perseverance?
what does it take to change this/us/everything? what does it take to re-create? to transform? what does it mean? is it too late to create me again? to start again with a fresh canvas?
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“who do you say i am” you ask and i laugh and say: God (i’ve never liked obvious questions)
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what layers do i dress my soul with as i step out of my life into others? do i overdress: best to impress dress a season warmer: hiding beneath bulk overformal: the suit a mask? what attitude do i cultivate power dresser? slacker? smart-casual? how often do people get the full monty the real me only wearing what i was given and what it’s grown into since
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who do you say i am? God asks and we answer many times many different ways we answer as fathers, mothers, teachers, children, theologians, doctors, abusers, abused and still he keeps asking us as we strip off until bare, with only the naked baby of truth remaining he asks again, who do you say i am? that answer is our true answer the one that God knows and we don’t until naked we reach inside and pull out the still beating heart of our childhood and say this this this is is who who i i say really you am are
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you ask: who am I? and i say you are:
you are the king of the jungle be it lion, gorilla, elephant, leopard supreme
the wind blowing in Ti tree restless impulsive dance a cat’s contentment closed eyes, purring, accepting love a dog’s enthusiasm bounding ahead of us in life sniffing, exploring eager for contact
an ant industrious building your kingdom nourishing a bed gentle warm comfort
a worm digging into the soil of our life bringing air and producing nourishment
you are God all knowing. unknown. friend. master. welcome. companion. guide. lover.
sunshine light of summer, rays in storms warmth, hope, comfort you are a macaw extravagant, noisy a sparrow humble, taken for granted a flamingo ridiculous really, but beautifully ridiculous
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“as we enter the silence within us, we are entering a void in which we are unmade, but we are not destroyed, but awakened to the eternal fresh source of our being� John Maine, The Inner Christ
waiting
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you call me into silence i find it easy to shut my mouth, but that just creates space for my mind and heart to shout from their neglect. and still you call me deeper into to unbutton my mind cast off the outer layers of my heart come naked into your presence with not a thought but silence
silence
and in nakedness in stillness in space to know and be known
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stop me from rushing headstrong into waste. pulling ahead straining for tomorrow for noise for bustle for importance lead me to belong to now present in this life let me know you open my eyes to see you guide my hands to your face that i may feel you kiss me bridegroom whisper in my ear hold me so i know your love
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still, small, voice. where are you? lead me to your throne of silence that i may rest. absence of noise, wonder filled void, chasm of my unvoiced unvoicable desire dreams hope, envelop me. stifle my screams. smother my resistance. quieten my hysteric protest. cover me with your loving, kiss these quivering lips. stop me. in my fear, my self-will, my proud protesting, my noisy‌. stop me. still me. teach me your way of silence. still small voice: here am i: quieten me here am i: love me here am i: hear me in the silence of my life.
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silence: feels so useless wasted time yet: it’s in silence you speak life into me silence: be my teacher teach me silence teach me life silence life silencelife silencelifesilence silifencesilifence
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i. grit. my. teeth. and. place. one. step. after. another. to. follow a dream that i can run alongside you but you call me to take. up. my. crutches. and. hobble. for the fast to become slow.again to crawl. like. an. infant. and be dependant. on. you.
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Creator you hold time in your hand life meaning hope all eternity sits as one moment in you as we breathe in each moment and exhale you hold this and the next beginning. end. love.
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God of freedom and of life of purple heather amidst tussock and stones God of the faith held by Abraham as he stood under these same stars and marked the seasons by the same moon God to whom a thousand years is but a breath who was before all things who made all things who will witness the destruction of all things God of laughter and joy warm fires and stories and abundance God of gift God of grace God of love God deliver us from our chains take pity on us pick us up again and walk with us the path of true life abundant life gift life
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