Black and White October 2014 Issue

EDITORIAL 'No' seems to be a very popular word at the moment. 'No' to independence, 'No' to privacy on School Wifi, and, most importantly, 'No' to paper. The brainchild of our ever dependable and wise co-ordinator, Mr Larlham, this edition sees Black and White step further into the digital revolution, now featuring on the App Store. As you swipe, click or tap through this issue, I am sure you will feel a palpable sense of innovation, or advancement.

In accordance with Reverend Blackstone, we have followed the ideology of 'Questioning.

Questioning. Questioning. Constant relentless questioning' in this issue. US Patriot Tyler Jackson questions whether anyone else can really fulfill the role of America as the World Police, while Adam Rachman implores him to consider the considerably growing role of China in geopolitics.

Our focus however, is not solely on the events with the most media coverage. The MLS emerges and shows us all where the future of football lies in the Sport Section, while Zaire’s dictator Mobutu Sese Seko will be pleased to hear that he makes an appearance in this prestigious magazine, albeit it being in the form of a fully deserved hounding from James Cole for both this terrible economic management and, more importantly, horrific dress sense.

Indeed, fashion becomes a more serious part of this edition, with Albert Meek’s first of a kind article on LFW, and with our good friend Erasmus giving us all a helping hand with our dress sense. Speaking of helping hands, our School Life sections features endless advice on how to cope with one’s St Paul’s career, notably with the ‘Hilariously Bad School Reports’ hopefully showing our readers what not to aim for in end of terms reviews.

We hope you enjoy these articles and, moreover, this groundbreaking new format and, which will see a lot more issues being published yearly.

Carl If you have any views or comments, please email them to us at Blackandwhite@StPaulsSchool.org.ukkand we will publish them next issue.

The editorial team would like to give thanks to all contributors, to the proofreaders, the technology consultants, to Apple, and also to Ms Mackenzie and Mr Larlham.

Editor in Chief: Sub-Editors:

Carl du Jeu Albert Meek James Cole Paul Norris Alex Gresty James Ritchie Quentin Mareuse

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SCOTTI SH DEVO LUTI O N

Last month, in Scotland, there was a referendum, a decision and the potential for arguably the most significant British constitutional moment for three hundred years. Indeed one might argue that the united British identity itself was at stake as the inhabitants of Scotland went to the polls to answer the simple question; ‘should Scotland be an independent country?’ There was a palpable sigh of relief, following a few rather uncomfortable polls for the ‘no’ vote, as the news emerged in the early hours of the morning that Scottish independence had been rejected and Britain remained united as a state.

Alongside the relief, however, stood the stark realisation that 45 percent of those who had gone to the polls had done so with the intention of breaking up the United Kingdom. This 45 percent still wished to ‘go it alone’ in an independent Scotland in spite of the promises by the three largest Westminster party leaders that ‘devo-max’ (more eloquently described as full fiscal autonomy) would be given to Scotland following a ‘no vote’.

Despite this rather bleak result, there is some comfort that can be drawn given the circumstances under which the referendum took place.

The mere wording of the question was completely in favour of pro-independence; consider how different the dynamic of the entire campaign would have been if the question had been: ‘should Scotland remain part of the U.K.?’ On this point, David Cameron must bear a considerable burden of responsibility for his complacency. Whilst the Scottish National Party’s victory in the 2011 Scottish parliamentary elections (which included the manifesto promise of an independence referendum) gave Mr Salmond a mandate for a referendum, the highly significant constitutional nature of this promise should have kept Cameron in the driving seat on the terms and timing of the vote. Yet Cameron found himself totally out-foxed.

The foolish decision to allow the SNP controlled Scottish parliament to legislate for the referendum resulted in over two years of campaigning that opened an opportunity for the pro-independence movement to close the significant gap against them. Indeed, the timing of the vote came to be highly in favour of the ‘yes’ vote, considering September 2014 would follow Scotland hosting the Commonwealth Games as an individual nation, the 700 th anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn (a victory for the Scots over the English) and arguably most significantly, over 4 years into what the half-sighted would happily see as a Tory government encompassing austerity including the flawed under-occupancy penalty, better known by many as the ‘bedroom tax’. This final element only served to lend a false legitimacy to the SNP’s ludicrous idea that the Scottish people were not properly represented by the Westminster Parliament- despite a Scottish Chancellor of the Exchequer in Gordon Brown for the 13 years preceding 2010 and a government including both a Scottish Prime Minister and Chancellor for the last three years.

Post-devolution, the use of the Barnett Formula to determine spending in Scotland has seen the latest public spending per head in Scotland around 19 percent higher than in England and is also responsible for the often referenced lack of university tuition fees for Scottish residents. Despite attempts to claim that this is justified by relatively short term oil revenues, this much derided formula and the constitutional bias towards devolution has allowed the SNP to create a sense of success due to their leadership while problems can be blamed on the Westminster government’s actions and the power it retains. Whilst it is not possible to deny that devolution has had some of the benefits that well managed devolution can offer, it has also had the total opposite effect of its intention in galvanising the SNP’s preaching of a nationalistic non-solution to Scotland’s problems, as UKIP preaches an E.U. exit as its own non-solution to the United Kingdom’s problems.

As for the events of the recent past, it is utterly shocking that it has taken a full pledge of ‘devo-max’ in an embarrassing sell-out to save the Union and effectively a full appeasement of nationalism to create a proper debate on the matter of English devolution and a proper search for a solution to the West Lothian question. Even then the creation of an English parliament may be another step towards the breakup of Great Britain as separatist myths of greater prosperity by going it alone may indeed begin to fester. I do not wish to see this and I doubt very few across this country who feel a proud sense of history in their British identity as well as their national identity as English, Welsh, Scottish or Northern Irish would wish to see this either. Devolution and federalism is inevitably, and should be, part of the path to the continuing progress of a modern democracy in the United Kingdom. However disparities in this drawn across the boundaries of nationhood have created a perfect breeding grounds for the short-term, false nationalistic solutions with which Alex Salmond and co. have tempted many of the Scottish people. Whilst Westminster retains its legal sovereignty, it will take a strong leader to push through devolutionary reform that brings consistency and equality to devolution across the country and abandons the view that such political restructuring should be determined by boundaries of nationhood. A solution that allows people of all nations to be proud and thrive in their own cultural identity but does not create a political divide between these nations thus keeping the United Kingdom as one but with a democratic system that is closer to its people, the British people.

OLLY BESLEY

Sanctions and their Effects on the Russian People Russia’s deputy prime minister laughed off US and EU sanctions against Russia tweeting “Comrade @BarackObama, did some prankster come up with the list (of sanctions)?”.

The weapon in the duel between Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama is “economic pain”.

So, how has it affected the working class of Russia?

The sanctions against Russia prevent its banks and the country’s largest corporations from receiving loans from Western banks. This has resulted in Russian banks having to pay more to borrow money, meaning that the interest rates on loans taken out by people have risen, resulting in people having less available disposable income.

Consequentially, less money is being spent in the economy and thus the country’s economic turnover has greatly reduced.

As though this wasn’t enough, Putin was not going to let any action by the West against Russia go unnoticed and unavenged. “The Russian Duma” hastily drew up a list of contra-sanctions, mainly banning the import of European foods into Russia. Putin was hoping that the EU would call-off its sanctions due to the threat he put-up; the EU however proved as stubborn as Putin himself, insistent that they were not going to let Russia win. One might ask “were the Russian contra-sanctions necessary?” The simple answer is no. All they did is inflict further pain onto the Russian economy and the Russian people, as the variety of food in shops greatly decreased, due to most foods usually found in supermarkets (80%) being banned. Due to the scarcity of food, prices shot-up, so the normal working man is finding it harder to deal with the increasing cost of living, as he is having to pay higher interest rates on his mortgage, while also accommodating for higher food

prices. Not only this, but the working class citizen must now deal with the fact that his beloved Dziugas cheese (as well as many other imported products) has disappeared from the supermarket shelf. Therefore what benefit have these proudly announced Russian contra-sanctions brought to the Russian population? None.

With Russia’s political instability and poor relations with the West, investments into Russia have been frozen and money is being withdrawn from the country. Factories have been halted due to lack of demand (for example the Volga Car Factory in Togliatti, as no one is buying cars in the current economic climate). The number of redundancies is increasing weekly, as companies fight to keep their doors open (7500 redundancies at the Volga Car Factory). Those that remain employed, suffer from reduced, unadjusted for inflation wages, even though the inflation rate in Russia is at an all time high. The value of the Russian rouble has reduced enormously over the last year. In 2013, $1USD exchanged for 30RUB; in 2014, $1USD trades for nearly 40RUB (a decrease in the value of the RUB by 50%!). With its value crumbling daily, people are exchanging their roubles for any other stable currency that they are able to lay their hands on, such as the US dollar and the Pound Sterling.

A conscientious reader might be asking “why are the people not doing anything against this brainless leader?”. The answer is brainwashing and propaganda. The working people of Russia are surrounded by propaganda daily on television, radio, banners, and more. Most of the working class does not have the desire to gain insight into politics and try to understand the situation for themselves. Instead they rely on the information to be spoon-fed to them during their daily newscast. With the news on Russia’s main Channel One only glorifying the President and his administration, while portraying the West as a nefarious force trying to unjustifiably attack Russia, it is understandable why the majority of the population is so pro-Putin and anti-Western, especially in smaller towns and cities outside of Moscow. While the truth is being concealed from the people, Putin’s politics are leading Russia to an economic catastrophe.

While Putin continues to try to prove to the West that he has the bigger “balls”, Russia and its recessive economy are suffering. With unemployment, inflation, interest rates and food prices rising, while wages fall, I see no optimism for Russia and its people under Putin’s rule, but rather an economic catastrophe that will leave Russia and its people completely impoverished.

Dmitry Buyanovsky

CONTAINING THE DRAGON All of the students at St Pauls, and the most of the parents and staff were born into a quiet empire. The global cultural, military and economic dominance of the United States since the end of World War Two is so ingrained in our society today and so universal that often we fail to appreciate the awe inspiring influence which one nation wields over the entire planet. The vast majority of people alive today were born into an American earth, but the signs suggest we are reaching the end of the ‘American Age’,and we may well die in a new world, a Chinese world.

Currently, compared to the US, no other country has comparable international influence. The US is the third most populous nation in the world, the largest economy and its military spending is more than that of the next eight nations combined. But US influence is waning. A new nation is taking the world stage, one with roughly four times the population, which looks set to be, the world’s largest economy by the mid 2020s. China is rapidly becoming the superpower of the future. Throughout history, time and time again, the shuffling of the great global powers has resulted in conflict. The rise of Germany laid the way for World War One, and many fear the rise of China will lead to World War Three. Here in the West we assume the spark for such a conflict would come from the autocratic and intimidating behemoth of China, but the our current panicked resistance of the inevitable Chinese rise poses an arguably greater threat. The future of world peace not only rests on how China exercises its power but also heavily on how we the Western world react to growing Chinese power.

In 1823, US president James Monroe issued the eponymous Monroe declaration, stating that any European interference in the Americas would be viewed as an act of aggression against the United States, and would merit an aggressive response in turn. This declaration has underpinned the establishment of an American sphere of influence, in which the US

dominated two continents politically and economically. Today, roughly two centuries later, the US still maintains significant influence. Not only has it exercised its great influence in the Americas, but through diplomacy and warfare the US has carved itself an informal empire. Its influence reaches thousands of miles west to Japan, a nation which it governed for seven years, after the second world war, guiding and moulding a country of over 100 million towards an American style system of democracy and capitalism. Its reach also extends east to the Arabian peninsula where it maintains dozens of military bases, to Pakistan and Afghanistan, and of course into Europe where it has many bases in the UK, Spain, Germany and Bulgaria to name a few.

Much of the tension between the US and China has been caused by China’s desire to impose itself in East Asia. The US fears Chinese aggression in the East and South China Seas and in Southeast Asia and admittedly these are not unfounded. For example recently China set up a new settlement, Sasha City, on the disputed Paracel islands. The settlement has a land area of roughly 13 km squared, slightly larger than the area of Richmond Park. But China claims it gives its rights over a sea area the size of Mexico - or France, the UK, Germany and Spain combined. China has engaged in fiery rhetoric and threatening military manoeuvres directed at its neighbours who contest its claims to the majority of the islands in the South China Sea. In response the US has reaffirmed its support of the nations China is currently squabbling with, reasserting its mutual defence agreement with Japan and performing joint military exercises with the Philippines and its former enemy Vietnam.

The implication is that America will go to war with China, rather than concede its allies territorial claims in East Asia or sacrifice its own influence. More generally, America is intent on denying China dominance of its own backyard, the very dominance that America claims in its own hemisphere/ Unsurprisingly this policy of containment and encirclement has not fostered positive relations between the two largest global economies. The USA claims to protect the sovereign nations that China is threatening, but this seems rather ironic coming from a nation with such great international sway and not an exemplary record on respecting the sovereignty of nations. The USA in its time has deposed various governments, such as the Iranian government in 1953 and the government of Iraq, 50 years later, in 2003, as well supporting many autocratic and inhumane regimes such as General Pinochet’s Chile or ironically Saddam Hussein in the Iran-Iraq War. It is understandable, therefore that China complains of American hypocrisy. Indeed the area it wishes to exert its influence upon is rather modest by American standards. While America’s reach is truly global, China‘s current ambitions are confined to its immediate neighbours..

Of course hypocrisy does not necessarily mean the USA is wrong to worry. Undemocratic China bullying smaller nations is not an appealing prospect. But Chinese bullying may have its limits. China has maintained a distance from the internal affairs of other countries which compared to the USA is remarkable. Despite its growing status, China consistently has shown little interest in intervening in sovereign states and compared to the USA has been more committed to maintaining peace. Since the rise of Deng Xiaoping and capitalism in 1980, China has over three decades avoided any type of international military conflict altogether.

Over the same period, the US has been involved in several overseas military conflicts, from the Balkans to Panama and Grenada as well as the Middle east multiple times and Afghanistan.

Even in widely supported international efforts, China has refused to be sucked in, vetoing intervention in Syria recently for example. Whether its policy of non-intervention is always good is disputable, but what it demonstrates is that China does not have conquest on its mind.

Some might point to Chinese threats towards Taiwan, or more topically Hong Kong, as evidence of aggression. But these threatening moves are special cases; fairly or not, they are justified by the Chinese on the grounds that Taiwan and Hong Kong are part of China and should like the mainland bend to Beijing. Beijing is preoccupied with keeping all of China under control, but probably less interested on absorbing other nations.

The ethical justification for China’s threats towards Taiwan and Hong Kong is questionable, but the silver lining is that China seems only interested in reigning in its own people, rather than foreigners. Its argument over the control of islands in the South China Sea is also based on this idea, as historically they were controlled by China. South-East Asia, although composed of tributary states, was never part of China proper and this is reflected in the lack of Chinese claims on these nations’ territory. More encouragingly China has as yet, refrained from using military force against either Taiwan or Hong Kong. Admittedly this is probably partly due to fear of US reaction, but then again when China was still an underdeveloped third world nation, it did clash with the US, for example in Korea and in Vietnam. China today is far stronger and more developed than under Mao, yet it has not confronted the US since that period.

The US, whether it likes it or not, will have to deal with China and a world influenced by it. However, a Chinese world is not necessarily a zero sum one, Chinese power does not necessitate the fall of the US or a sacrifice of the American standard of living. In the end the US is faced with two choices, to fight the inevitable or to accept and work with a shift in global power.

Let’s hope it chooses wisely.

ADAM RACHMAN

Britain’s High Street: Rest in Peace?

Christian Kengeter In January 2013 HMV went bust. Across the UK big yellow signs were plastered onto HMV store windows with huge black lettering reading ‘STORE CLOSING’, EVERYTHING MUST GO’. I watched as shoppers began to stream into my local HMV store, taking advantage of its month-long sale to buy albums they would have usually bought on the internet. Even I joined them in the end. As I pushed my way to the counter one thing occurred to me that would no doubt have occurred to many others: this was the first time in two years since I had bought something in HMV. Until now all of my shopping had taken place on the internet; I was a frequent user of Amazon and had bought the entirety of my Christmas presents online last year - not once had I visited the high street. When I asked friends about their shopping habits my fears were confirmed - more and more people were using the internet to satisfy their consumerist needs and the high street was suffering as a result.

Unable to accept this tragedy I looked at the facts to validate my hypothesis. 15% of all shops in high streets are either empty or boarded up, 140 retailers are in a “critical” situation and may fail, 30% more than last year and almost £1 in every £10 spent by shoppers now involves internet purchases.

Even Christmas, the time of year high street retailers usually heap up profits bears evidence of the continuing decline of high street visits. Last Christmas alone sales fell by 2.2% and with online purchases increasing this is expected to continue. There’s no doubt, the high street is dead- and if not actually dead then certainly at death’s door. Why is this so?

A Telegraph article by Libby Purves proved a valid answer to this. She argued that the regular shopper was to blame, describing in her article the ‘disgusting’ behaviour of shoppers who abuse the high street. The first of these crimes is called ‘showrooming’, whereby the customer enters a store, spends time examining an appliance he or she would like to buy and promptly leaves again, only to buy the same gadget on the internet for a lower price. Meanwhile the store has had to pay lighting, heating, insurance and maintenance costs including salaries whilst getting nothing from the customer in return. Another ‘disgusting habit’ mentioned in her article was ‘de-shopping’. This was something most commonly practiced by women, who would buy an outfit in a high street shop and wear it for a special event, keeping the price tag out of sight. The following morning they would return it to the shop and get a full refund, claiming it was faulty or they had changed their mind. In this way customers are able to hire expensive items of clothing for free while the shop pays the costs previously mentioned, suffering as a result.

In the wake of huge online retailing success some think internet retailers should make concessions so that the high street isn’t so significantly disadvantaged in the face of multinational companies such as eBay and Amazon. ‘We have to look at whether there should be a fairer way to get a better level playing field between online and high street services’ argued Caroline Flint, the Shadow Energy Secretary. By this she meant creating an online sales tax, something, which, would imitate the normal rent and fees a high street retailer has

to pay. However, in an already overtaxed nation, making internet retailers pay for something which doesn’t apply to them, just because they invented something which is cheaper, faster and altogether better than what high street retailers can offer admittedly sounds absurd. The reality of the competitive world we live in is that retailers must fight for every single customer. Unfortunately the high street hasn’t done that; it hasn’t been able to adapt or respond to the increasing threat of online retailing and as a result, its continuing decline is no real surprise. But then, where did the high street go wrong?

In a BBC article, Megan Lane described the history of the high street in Britain, highlighting the point at which it went from success to failure. In her view, the golden age for the high street was in the 1960s when people flocked into high street shops to buy fashionable clothing at extraordinarily low prices. In those days the strategy of retailers was simple - maintain a wide range of products and keep prices low - this was largely successful. Nowadays however, much has changed and well, high street retailers haven’t. ‘I strongly believe that as long as traditional retailers are selling the same goods, less conveniently and at a higher price, they will continue to die out’ Martin Macdonald, inbound marketing director of Expedia told the Guardian. The problem is that high street retailers have continued to use the same strategy that worked for them fifty years ago. Nowadays new technologies and competition from online retailers has rendered their strategy useless and an unwillingness to adapt to this new threat is slowly killing the high street. Survival of the fittest is the way forward in this world, and there is only one way left for shops to survive.

In one sentence, the high street has to stop competing with internet retailers in terms of price and speed and should instead focus on their unique selling points. ‘High streets survive when they are fun, interesting places to go - you can’t join friends and have a coffee online, you can’t have a haircut online; there are certain things that we will always need high streets for and they need to reinvent themselves in that way’ said Grant Chapps on the TV series Question Time. High street retailers have to start embracing the new way of trading the internet has introduced. Some retailers such as Apple and John Lewis have already started doing this with huge success and others should learn from them. Stores should become showrooms to display goods rather than huge warehouses packed with merchandise, live demonstrations of products at set times should be organised, click and collect schemes should be introduced to retail stores and most importantly retailers should make a trip to town more than just a shopping experience - only then will the high street survive. What lies before us is an age of adaptation and redevelopment for the high street - the internet and high street should be able to co-exist together, it is how they do this that is for high street retailers to decide.

The Rise of Hispanic Power in the US In early March 2014, for the first time in history, there was no longer a white American majority in the US’ most populous state of California. Hispanics officially became a majority ethnicity, making up just over 40% of the documented population, joining New Mexico as the two states in the United Sates which have majority minorities; in both cases, Hispanics or Latinos are the dominant ethnicity. Across America, there are 54 million people who would refer to themselves as ‘Hispanic” (making up around 19% of the entire populace), a term loosely used to describe anyone descended from a Spanish speaking country and sharing the same cultural heritage. This means that there are more Spanishspeakers in the US than any other country on the planet apart from Mexico (surpassing Spain, Colombia and Argentina).

In the past, the US has had other states where whites were outnumbered by another race demographic, but in all such situations it was Afro-Americans who were making up the highest percentages of that particular state’s population. This trend was prominent in the Deep South during the 19 th century, but slowly declined until 1930 when, in Mississippi, black people were replaced by whites as the state’s majority ethnicity. Immigrant communities from Mexico, Puerto Rico and other Latin American countries have long been established in the US. California is one notable example, a state which was originally colonised by the Spanish and then became part of Mexico for 29 years. Hispanic explorers and Spanish conquistadors founded practically every city on the West Coast; Los Angeles, San Francisco, San Diego, San Jose (note that they all have Spanish names). After all there is a saying in Spanish which goes something along the lines of ‘Without indigenous Mexico, Los Angeles would have never been created.’

It has only been in the past 30 years or so that Hispanic population percentages have begun creeping up on those of whites. The sudden influx around 1980 was mainly due to a sharp increase in the availability of jobs as cities began to undergo rapid urbanisation and grow exponentially. This caused large numbers of Hispanics, particularly from Central American countries to flock to the South Western United States (where 40% of Hispanics are distributed), and since then the numbers have carried on rising.

But what does all this mean besides an overall increase in population and a fairly significant shift in demographics and percentages? Well most importantly, Hispanic culture and influences are becoming ingrained in US society. In Southern California, Spanish is overhead just as often as English and companies are beginning to pick up on this socio-economic change. There are 20 media outlets solely dedicated to delivering world news in Spanish as well as delivering a large portion of information on Latin American Affairs. ABC has partnered up with Univision to produce a subsection which focuses solely on Hispanic media and Fox has created MundoFox which also airs news in Spanish nationally. In fact, America’s most popular local TV station is ‘KMEX Noticias Chanel 34’ a Spanish news broadcaster based in LA. It’s not just news outlets that dominate US television sets; the trashy telenovelas filled with murders and affairs attract roughly the same amount of viewers as ‘Dallas’. In terms of business, Latino owned enterprises grow three times faster than the average American one and contribute 8 billion dollars to the economy every year. Some of the world’s largest and most well known brands including Ron Bacardi and Goya Foods, are Hispanic owned and run businesses. The signs of growing Hispanic dominance are evident just walking down the street, for every Americanstyle-Diner there are three Mexican taquerias, all English street signs have their translation below and if you walk into a shop you are addressed in Spanish then English.

It would seem as if America needs to realise fairly swiftly the scale of Hispanic power and importance and the exceptional rate at which it is growing. New Mexico and California are now both Latino dominated states, and it looks as if the US’ second largest state of Texas may be next (38.2% of residents are Latin American). Looking at the broader picture, it’s not hard to envision a United States whereby in 2050, as some projections suggest, more people will speak Spanish as a first language than English

MICHAEL HAMMOND

CUBA: The Communist Dream Picture the scene: a warm tropical city, bustling with new cars – the latest 1952 Buick – and having your mojito brought to you as you sit admiring what lovely holiday you booked at Havana’s hotel Nacional. In the USA, Cuba is admired by the government – and by the media. The world looks at Cuba like it looks at any other Caribbean holiday destination – and you revel in luxury you have conveniently chosen.

However, the perfect view from your deckchair hides a more sinister backdrop. The cars seen driving past are owned by the few lucky enough to live in cities. The waiter who brought you your drink is only employed because he had to leave behind his family – who probably grow cane and join the mass army of seasonally unemployed people – and even now Enrique is underpaid. The Hotel Nacional, and many other tourist traps, are owned by the government ministers, or worse and far more likely, American businessmen and congressmen. Of course the United States loves this country. It owns this country! And the holiday destination, well, that’s just what it is, a place where the wealthy foreigners can come and pay the poor inhabitants to do their bidding: luxury.

Little do you know however, my gringo friend, that in the jungles of this 1953 Cuban ‘republic’ lurks a young lawyer, his brother and a few other brave men who have vowed to have no more injustice and inequality in this police state which they have been forced to live under, both by their dictator, Generalissimo Batista, and by the foreign forces that continue to fund him, the United States of America.

They train in the jungles and gather support in the villages. They attack the forts and win over the cities. They fight with the politicians but join the masses. Faster than anyone could have foreseen, this young lawyer, Fidel Castro, has begun to become a real force – but with little charisma and even less experience. Then, while training in the nearby Mexico, he meets an enigmatic ex-doctor and now freedom fighter, who has battled from Argentina to the Congo, and together they return to war torn Cuba to continue the noble march towards equality.

Now, Fidel and his new companion, el Che, fight onwards with their many compatriots and comrades. Soon enough, they have won, and by ’59, Cuba is finally in the hands of the people.

However, the status quo cannot be changed with such ease, and the some forces with intentions not so honourable will never let the blood of thousands be enough.

The United States of America was, and continues to be, one such threat to true equality. It imposed harsh embargoes on Cuba, and has refused to make these rigid laws lax in any way (even though 61% of the public believe they should). This has caused Cuba to become cut off from the outside world. It cannot survive cut off from its naturally closest importing country.

It would be like building a dam around a mountain stream, and expecting the baby deer that rely on the water to somehow manage to keep going. Even worse is the USA’s use of Cuba as an example to ridicule communism because; firstly, its not communist, just very extreme socialism. Secondly, it would very likely have worked perfectly had the US not cut off its trading partners (it would be like placing a bet on an acrobat and then winning because you had chopped off his leg).

The idea that the Cuba could run almost completely self-sufficiently since the collapse of the Soviet Union is utterly ridiculous, but even under these standards Cuba has been able to run better than most countries could under the same set of circumstances. It has some of the world’s best health services, and some of the world’s best education on offer. Both for free.

The inequality once faced before is far less prominent, and while unemployment is far higher, it is no longer seasonal and the government makes efforts to sustain those who cannot find jobs. Corruption is rife among high levels of government, but this is emphasised a lot more on by the western media than in other countries. As one would find, most countries are faced with high levels of corruption, especially with politicians who hold large amounts of power.

Cuba is a country plagued with many ills, there is no denying that, but taking into account the many hurdles it has been forced to jump through, it not only shows a remarkable hope for the glowing red ember that is communism. Is Cuba the communist dream? No. Cuba is however, far better off now than it was under Batista, and far better off than it should be under America’s unfairly punitive fist.

Alex Mavroleon

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RUSSIA Joachim Robine The ground we tread on is suffused with blood- every country, every territory or hectare of sea, has been fought over. Yet there are a few places on earth that are exceptionally bloodthirsty. America, where entire cultures, races hundreds of millions strong, are not only destroyed but forgotten. Israel, which has known no peace these past four thousand years.

Yet in my mind nowhere on earth reeks of death the way Slavic Europe does. There, the worst and most notorious genocides, battles and famines, mass slaughters and pillages have been carried out by Jew and German, Russian and Turk, Mongol and Swede, Arab and Italian, Greek and Scythian, for as long as we can tell. The Russian word for ‘safety’, bezopasnost’, literally means ‘without danger’. Every state worth its salt has a purpose and a creed, based on a founding story. The US exists for individualist capitalism, Pakistan exists as an Islamic state, the EU exists as a buffer against extremism. Russia’s raison d’etre lies in the ‘opasnost’; it lives to make sense, goodness and beauty, in the midst of the staggering chaos that is Eastern Europe.

Russia can trace itself back to Rurik, a Varangian (or ‘Viking’) king of the Rus’, a tribe of Scandinavians, which founded Holmgard, settled Ladoga, and took Novgorod in the mid-8th century. We are told that the Chuds, Ves and Krivichi, Slavic tribes, rebelled against the settlers and drove Rurik out, then realised that, with a strong ruler, their stability was unusual and enjoyable; and they called him back. Without this union under a great people, the Slavic and Germanic tribes of Eastern Europe would not have survived the invasions of the Khazar Kaghanate. It is in this fact that the Russian soul finds its first existential truth; the forces of Mongolia, the hellish Tatars, chaos incarnate, can only be repelled by solidarity and obedience to an overlord. Fraternity and filial piety. In the next three hundred year, the Rus’, or Ruthenians, grew to include all manners of great cities and cultures- Ryazan, Smolensk, Polotsk, Tver, and, of course, Kiev- usually through alliances and trade partnerships. The success of the Kievan Rus’ was not only military; missionaries from Byzantium brought it writing (St Cyril brought the Cyrillic alphabet) and Novgorod became a city known across Europe for its trade. Ruthenia was united by its strong military leaders, and its trade ties.

The exact capital of the Rus’ was always uncertain, for different Knyaz (leaders) preferred different lands; however, it was usually one of two cities- Novgorod the Great, and Kiev. In 988, Vladimir the Great, the second Christian Knyaz, declared the Rus’ to be a Christian empire, and built St Vladimir’s Cathedral in Kiev, whilst his son Yaroslav the Wise built the great Saint Sophia based on a cathedral in Constantinople. Here is the second existential truth of the Russian soul- there is no reason to survive the Mongolians, except to defend and love their polar opposite- the beauty of art and writing and mathematics brought by Byzantine missionaries, at its height in Byzantine Orthodoxy. Rurik brought life; St Cyril brought the reason for life. Novgorod is life; Kiev is light.

The darkest hour of Russian history was the rape of Kiev by Batu Khan, the grandson of Genghis. In the next century, Kiev was looted four times, its trade ties with the rest of Russia cut, its cathedrals fell in ruin, and it was deserted by the descendants of Rurik, who lived in Novgorod and Ryazan. Every time the dukes of these cities- forced like Kiev to pay tribute,

but still holding a flame of Rurik’s blood and a candle of Byzantine intellect- felt the Golden Horde weakening they sent armies to retie connections with Kiev, most notably under Grand Duke Dmitri. They failed, often fighting amongst each other instead, and Kiev went to the Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth, first as a satellite state- a Voevodsto- and then as a ‘lesser province of the Polish crown’. Finally, a third influence on the Russian soul, the Romanov dynasty, rose from a marriage between Tver and Moscow and put an end to the separation, invading Poland in 1667. Prince Volkonsky, a Rurikid, made the city rebel against the Lithuanian garrisons, which routed immediately. Prussia and Russia were to jointly force Poland to give back all of its possessions in Ukraine in 1793, at the Second Partition.

Under the Romanovs, Ukraine was affectionately known as ‘Malorossiya’, ‘little Russia’, a place where men ‘could not speak without singing’, ‘loving the Tsar more than any Russian’ (according to Von Benigsen). When in 1917 at Brest-Litovsk the German ambassador first made clear that Ukraine was to become an autonomous region subject to German governorship, Trotsky left in disgust- the suggestion was to a Russian as despicable as the idea of an independent Boston or Nanking or Strasbourg or Scotland.

America, by forcing Russia to accept these repugnant borders after 1989, has made itself into an equivalent of the Golden Horde, or like the communist oppressors of the Russian soul and Church. Like Batu Khan and Stalin, America is seen to be obsessed with resources and money- without faith or any sentiments of familial duty. Like Batu Khan, America is based on the fragmentation of Russia- the sponsoring of seditious political parties, the encouragement of rebellious ethnicities. Like Stalin, America is based on hypocrisy.

Following the fall of the Berlin wall, the ten years of democracy leading to Putin have been known as Diermokraciya, or the ‘rule of excrement’; people saw the blundering, ultracorrupt excesses of Yeltsin, and saw America in his parties and his friendliness with oligarchs over traditionalist and communist voices.

Putin is seen as the successor of the Rurikids and of Byzantine orthodox enlightenment, engaging in normalnaya korrupsiya (normal corruption; a concept in Russian politics that one may steal a certain amount from the budget, and the people will never care because they feel that the batyushka of the people can indulge himself) as opposed to Horde pillaging or Yeltsin corruption, encouraging both renewed trade ties and technological advance, building churches and challenging oligarchs.

All this to say; next time you read a Guardian article or see the latest CNN news on Ukraine, do not see a tinpot dictator scrambling for oil; see the culmination of more than a millennium of Russian dreams fighting for survival. Russia feels besieged by the forces of chaos, the egoistical Horde, encroaching on its land and destroying its culture. Look at that Coca-Cola bottle on the table to your right, look at the iPhone from which you’re reading this. Think of who profited from the sale of these items, w`hich culture they belong to, and think of what they’re replacing. Is Putin wrong to worry?

DICTATOR STYLE

JAMES COLE

A leopard print cap, a sturdy wooden cane and a pair of thick rimmed glasses could seem like a wardrobe malfunction. How anybody could carry off a style that even the experimental nature of the 70s might deem abhorrent defeats the imagination. And yet nothing else creates a better image of President Mobutu Sese Seko, leader of Zaire for 32 years and one of Africa’s most corrupt dictators.

For a man with such little fashion sense, one might consider it unfortunate for Mobutu to be accountable for the country’s dress code. Yet what was there to moderate his outlandish sense of style? Heavily endowed by The West who saw him as a block against communism, and with the remainder of the country’s wealth flooding its way into his bank account, Mobutu could do as he pleased. If it were possible to devise an outfit worse suited to Zaire’s equatorial climate, then he would pick up the prize. The abacost (taken from the French abbreviation of “down with the suit”) was his invention – a long sleeved button up jacket worn with a cravat became the outfit of choice for government officials across the country.

They would sweat away in their ridiculous attire in derelict offices which were left in such a state of disrepair that they were deprived of even air conditioning.

Mobutu’s extravagance, however, went far beyond his questionable wardrobe. Whilst the country was experiencing drastic economic decline, Mobutu chose to construct a palace complex that even the Sultan of Brunei would be proud of. Whereas most billionaires would be content to settle for a helipad and a private jet, Mobutu constructed a 3.2 km runway, long enough for Concorde to use. The supersonic passenger jet was hired on numerous occasions, from hospital visits in Switzerland to weekend shopping trips with his wife to Paris – an unnecessary extravagance for a man with little regard for Western fashion you might think.

The love of leopard fur wasn’t just limited to Mobutu’s headgear. He loved these animals so much that he built himself a zoo where two could reside in the palace’s sumptuous grounds.

The money for all of this, of course, came from corrupt means. With Mobutu’s reign conveniently coinciding with the height of the Cold War, the White House was willing to give him all the support needed to block out any communist threat. Even when relations turned

sour in 1975, over half the U.S’s aid budget for Sub-Saharan Africa ended up in Zaire, $5 billion of which worked its way into Mobutu’s pocket.

Sadly Mobutu’s regime was largely style over substance.With none of the country’s income invested in infrastructure, everything from the military to the health system fell into decline.

The country’s operations relied solely on a civil service who pretended to work whilst the government pretended to pay them. Eventually after 32 years in office, Africa’s next generation of young and reformist leaders collaborated under the command of Paul Kagame to depose the continent’s archaic dinosaur leader. With nothing to defend him but a weaponless army who hadn’t received a pay cheque for the past three years, Mobutu was forced to flee, leaving his country in a state of anarchy that remains to this day.

Now that Gaddafi is dead, Morsi is behind bars and Mugabe is fast approaching his dying days in office, it seems that the era of Africa’s dictators may at long last be drawing to a close. Of course there were more corrupt, more loathsome, more disreputable African dictators than Mobutu, but his sheer decadence always brings a smile to my face. Of course true democracy for this nation will take a long time to evolve. Ironically, for a country whose name revolves around the word “Democratic”, the DRC still hasn’t managed to hold a fair election from which the country hasn’t nearly imploded, since. But the African continent is not left without hope. Since 2000 there have been on average 15-20 elections per year, a sign regimes are at least attempting to move in the right direction. Watch this space for more leopard prints and further explosions of bling.

SHOULD AMERICA BE A WORLD POLICE? Addressing the problem of whether or not the world needs police is complicated in its own right. The answer is simple, although you may not want to hear it. In certain respects the answer lies in the extremes; whether we want to live in a world with no police, a world where international outlaws are accepted and everyone is forced to ‘get along’.

There are a number of countries where outlaws are dominating, for example in North Korea, currently in Iraq and Syria, whilst there are those who threaten their neighbors with violence, like Iran. In a world without international police, these belligerents harm innocent people and prosper. It was only seventy-odd years ago when a Nazi-backed European movement became so powerful that it threatened to take over the world, with no policeman to stop them from doing so. Tens of millions died – over 80% dying in the ‘victorious’ allied nations, and in a world without policemen, perhaps a repeat could be plausible.

So the question is not whether we need a policeman, but who and how involved should it be? Evidently the U.N. has not been an effective world-policeman. Just by looking at the problems in the world right now – in the Middle East, South America and parts of Europe – we need more than imposing sanctions. The U.N. rarely votes to take effective military action. Furthermore, even when it does vote to take military action, members often refuse to provide the needed military personnel and assets (in defense of their allies) to the point where an exposed U.N. is powerless.

In many respects, the U.S. as world police makes far more sense than the alternatives.

China, for all its recent use of capitalism to become more prosperous is still a Communist dictatorship that murdered its own people in Tiananmen Square, and they are simply not trustworthy enough to shoulder the responsibilities of world police.

For one thing, it takes a certain amount of size and prosperity to be the policeman of the world. It is a thankless job, but clearly someone has to do it. That is not to absolve the invasion of Iraq the first time around; that seems a cataclysmic mistake given its consequences (regardless of 9/11). Clearly however, there is no mistake that the U.S has firmly cemented itself in this 'supervisor' role. Once we accept that fact, we need to address a more important question; just how involved should the U.S be in world affairs?

Without U.S. intervention, Israel would have been obliterated a long-time ago.

Empowering the single nation in the Middle East where western values are advocated seems obvious, yet there remains the debate over whether the U.S. should continue to support and defend all of Israel’s actions. In its current conflict with Gaza, they are losing the war of P.R. significantly. The U.S.’s support is the sole reason that Israel will not fall despite anti-Zionist and anti-Israel demonstrations becoming increasingly more present in Europe.

Generally, nations are scared of the power that the U.S. has – it is becoming so strong in today’s society (financially, socially, technologically, scientifically etc.) that it seems to be an unstoppable superpower. On the one hand, there are people in the U.S. that are homeless, poor, starving, unemployed and dying that need help. Since the resources that the government is giving away to other countries is collected by American citizens, then it should first be used to help any Americans that may need it. Obama’s Foreign Policy states that the government is pushing to maintain U.S. safety and world peace and to maintain a balance of power in the world. Conversely, when conflicts arise between countries, there is no right and wrong. It is the duty of the government to do what is the best for the country: to prevent and eliminate threats before they reach American ground or people is a very much sensible policy.

Due to this, in certain cases people obviously agree that it is appropriate intervene in a situation in other parts of the world to prevent damage.

Critically, having the United States as police intends to impose western values. It is essential to look at the facts. There are no better suitors for world police, at least none that wouldn’t become corrupt with power. Establishing the need for a world police is vital, and laying down the foundations for a better society allows the U.S. to be a more dominant force in the world.

You wouldn’t want a nation such as China to be looking over you, and so, we must understand that America is doing the right thing in its intervention. That is not to say we must be constantly and consistently in support of every action it takes, but it is to say that we must allow the U.S. to be the delegate as police of world affairs.

By Tyler Jackson

LTURE CU CULTURE URE CUL

James Bond: What Next James Bond will be back. After the financial and critical success of 2012’s Skyfall, the question is, where does it go next? With production already underway and filming to begin this December, little has been revealed about the plot or the villains lying in-store for the secret agent, but it seems as if most of the supporting cast from Skyfall have signed on for another Bond flick: Sam Mendes directs once again, Moneypenny and Q are returning, having been re-introduced in the last movie, and Ralph Fiennes breathes new life into the character of M. Let’s just hope that that is all it replicates from Skyfall.

I’m not trying to suggest that the last film was anything bad - on the contrary, it vastly improved upon the overly action-filled Quantum of Solace - but it just lacked that essential James Bond feel. Its plot was put to the side in order to focus on the characterisation of the cast and the ending felt slightly disappointing and anticlimactic. What we need now from the new film is a strong plot to carry it forward and it to pit 007 against a physical villain. Javier Bardem’s Silva captured the mental side of the Bond villain to a tee, but it often felt like he was on the outside, getting other people to do his dirty work for him, whereas a classic close quarters fist to fist combat would have worked much better. Casting calls for a 6’2”+ henchman for the new movie already suggest that the producers are on the right track.

As for the primary villain, rumours have been circulating about Chiwetel Ejiofor, of 12 Years A Slave fame, being cast and this would be a coup for the Bond producers. Some may doubt that he has the credentials to play the baddie, but you only have to look for proof in the space opera epic Serenity. In this, he plays a ruthless and deadly charismatic operative and quite possibly has the coolest method of killing someone since Uma Thurman’s five point palm exploding heart technique in Kill Bill 2 - a nerve pinch to the lower back, causing the victim to freeze and then gently topple on a carefully positioned ceremonial sword. His final fight scene also confirms that he has the physical presence to take on Daniel Craig’s brutish 007. Ejiofor's Englishness might also hint at the continuation of themes seen in Skyfall, arguably the most British film of the

entire series with its attacks on MI6's London headquarters and its finale in the Scottish Highlands. But in reality, this is an actor with a talent for accents that would allow him to play a wide range of nationalities.

What of the other ingredients needed for a top-quality Bond motion picture? Well, a strong supporting female is much needed, which was undeniably lacking in Skyfall (it always felt a bit strange watching Bond seduce Severine, who was sold into sex slavery), and reports suggest that both a Brit and a Scandinavian actress are being sought for, with Birgitte Hjort Sørensen from the outstanding Scandi drama Borgen as a frontrunner. An international setting would also be a comforting change from the grounding of James Bond in London and the Scottish Highlands and it may follow the suit of older Bond films, which used Russians as the main villains in front of the backdrop of the Cold War; now the Arab Spring region may be used as a suitable place for James Bond to encounter trouble.

Continuing on from this, a greater connection to the past James Bond films would be an improvement; an establishment of previous characters and themes looks likely, with Q and Moneypenny already brought back in Skyfall. Who wouldn’t want the return of Jaws, Oddjob or even Blofeld and his sinister organization SPECTRE (Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion - always one for subtlety)? Overall, if rumors turn out to be true, then Bond 24 has the makings of a classic Bond film - a physical and charismatic villain, a strong supporting cast carried on from Skyfall and an association with the Bonds of old. Maybe 007 might be killed off once and for all. Will that happen in Bond 24? Probably not, but we can certainly expect a sequel to match and beat the standard set by Skyfall.

Jack Palmer

FILM REVIEW: PRIDE Towards the end of Pride, a character asks whether ‘Screw Thatcher’ or another similar, unprintable phrase would make a more effective banner slogan. She opts for the former. The film as a whole generally makes the same choice, seldom opting for the most provocative option. Pride’s rare brutality is bubble-wrapped in sentimentality. But this does not mean it pulls its punches: as one character puts it, ‘Screw Thatcher’ is indeed ‘more visceral’ than the alternative. The same applies to this film, where moments of mawkishness reinforce rather than undermine its message.

Pride brings together the stories of 1980s gay rights campaigners and striking miners in a village in south Wales. This, for the average Pauline, no doubt sounds like the very definition of a terrible premise. I confess I do not have an affinity for the film’s politics, but it is to its

great credit that I enjoyed it nonetheless. Indeed, the notion that the miners’ protests might ultimately have been futile adds another layer of poignancy, even amidst the laughter.

How does the film balance its humor, pathos and earnestness? I would credit a winning formula of well-chosen, ‘so-bad-they’re-good’ eighties tunes (ABC and Wham! being personal highlights), a taut script and some exceptional performances.

Bill Nighy deserves particular credit as a reserved miner. One notable scene between Nighy and Imelda Staunton involving the making of sandwiches is hilarious, heartfelt and hilarious again within the same minute.

Ben Schnetzer makes a determined yet lovable lead, and indeed the entire cast is successful at portraying characters who shared a collective identity (either as a member of a mining community or the Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners group) whilst also bringing out their individual identities as the film progresses. This rich characterisation is what makes the comedy ring so true, while also allowing the plot to venture into the deeper waters of homophobic violence and prejudice of all kinds.

The characters’ ultimate vindication of all they stand for is therefore all the more stirring. At least two of my fellow audience members (both, for what it’s worth, members of the LGBT community) were very close to tears.

Much like a decent Wham! track, Pride’s good-natured energy was pervasive and utterly captivating. So much so in fact, that it feels like it should be a guilty pleasure.

Yet looking at the film as a whole, it’s as guilt free as a low fat yogurt. This is crowd-pleasing cinema at its very best.

Paul Norris

“I have seen many t-shirts in my time - almost five - but none have inspired me in quite the same way.”

Three Wolves and a Moon Tee

We were first sceptical in our ignorance having heard of the tales of the famous ‘Three Wolves and a Moon Tee’. That was until we saw it.

‘Twas a dreary Monday night in Luton. The dark was terrifying. Engulfing.

Another unsuccessful night out on the town and all hope was lost. Rain sodden and weary of further rejection we trudged to Bersheeba’s Kebabs to drown our sorrows with the sweet taste of undercooked lamb. SUDDENLY HE CAME TO US. Like a shepherd in the field, like a plumber in the water closet, like an artisan bread maker finishing the late shift at Tescos. The point we’re trying to make is this man was our Khaleesi. Our Gus. OUR JAMAL! Draped with a cloak of stunning women, we immediately recognised him as everything we aspired to be in life. He had an aura about him - an air of power and overwhelming knowledge. Yet there was something more. Something particular. Something drawing us to the man. How was he doing it?! These women seemed glued to him and let's just say he wasn't blessed on the looks front (think Gollum). Munching on our Çöp Şiş we knew we couldn't allow this opportunity to slip. What drew us to him? What drew everyone to him, you may ask? It was a howl. The battle cry of a wolf. Now two, then three! The unison of three terrible wolves howling to us, beckoning us. Suddenly it became blindingly clear. What drew everyone to this demi-god, was his glorious Tee. We swiftly sidled up to our Messiah, drenched with nervous, salty sweat. Fortunately, the man was clearly rather beveraged and could be seen to be in the ‘friendly’ stage of drunk. After offering us something that sounded like ‘mehth’ (we told him no, as he didn’t have any teeth), the man informed us he’d ordered this fine garment off Amazon the previous week and since then life hadn’t been the same. He claimed it had some kind of magic power. We had to see for ourselves.

On the verge of chundering from the shock of a lack of exposure to exercise, we crashed through the doors of Khan’s internet cafe. Hot and sweaty, we began furiously hitting the keys to place an order, there was not a moment to lose.

'There must be mediums left! There must be!'

There were.

We powered through the rest of the order like men possessed with the spirit of men really trying to order something quickly. Whipping out our debit cards we were suddenly struck cold by the realisation that our fickle plastic friends were at their limits. Trawling through our wallets, the best we further seemed capable of producing was an expired Oyster, a semi-filled-in Caffè Nero redeemable coffee card, and a Nandos credit card (and we can assure you there are likely Albanian shell suit merchants with more money than could be found there). A final attempt only

produced an M&S Premium Clubcard in the name of Mr Ramon Menon. Very odd.

What was going on? Did God hate us? Why were we being presented with such majesty, only to have its miniature form mock us on a screen, with no hope of ever securing ones of our very own? We were running out of options like Mr Menon was running out of opportunities for discounted women’s lingerie. Then we remembered; our savings! We could prise the cash from there and still have enough to buy a small doughnut in 2017, interest rates permitting. Result! We hit the last few buttons like insolent children. Finally, it was done. And then came the wait...

Four days passed. Five. Six. Seven. There must be a problem. It had been far too long.

The second Tee-less week came around like an unwanted relative. We couldn't eat. We couldn’t sleep. Then! The soft chime of the doorbell. Stumbling over uneaten takeaways we flung open the door. Once the postman had finished soiling himself, he gingerly handed over the glowing package (whilst admirably trying his very hardest not to empty the contents of his trousers onto the doorstep). Tearing away at the wrapping like hamsters on heat, we revealed the holy relics. Each was adorned with not one, not two, but three wolves! And a moon!

We have never looked back. A warning must come with this review: this Tee will change you... Once shy and unsuccessful, this 100% cotton-based majesty has transformed us into magnets, attracting members of the opposite sex to an unsettling degree (almost two women have been snared by its holy radiance over the past summer alone!). We no longer need to wear anything else. Literally. Sure, we have been arrested in several high-street shops and are now banned in most major bedding and furniture stores but, dear reader, if you choose to embrace nothing else in this life, embrace this Tee. If you too choose to bear the masterpiece upon your unworthy chest then womenfolk might gaze upon you and say “Oooh”. If not, however, small children will laugh at you, you will be denied access to most minor kebab and sandwich outlets and will most certainly be refused entry to Butlins.

On a final and sincere note, we implore you to purchase one of these Tees:

Toby Lowenstein Alexander Gresty http://www.amazon.com/The-Mountain-Three-Short-Sleeve/dp/B002HJ377A

Menswear: Why You Should Care About It St Paul's. Truly the fashion epicenter of North Barnes. Between the burgundy trousers and the floral ties, it's a wonder Teen Vogue hasn't done a spread on us already. Despite, however, the effortless and refined beauty of each of the ’JP Morgan internship’ ensembles that grace the atrium each morning, I am sure the fact that London Fashion Week was held last month in the capital passed at least 95% of you by. The other 5% percent probably know me, and therefore have had it plastered across social media and daily conversation.

In fairness, there is very little reason for any of you to care, or even notice, this international event. I for one am going to put up my hand and say that I do not follow the daily goings on of the New York Stock Exchange. Or football. That being said, the fashion industry is worth £26 billion to the UK economy, and £1.5 trillion worldwide, so I felt it was necessary to at least provide a basic outline as to how the 'seasons' work.

The biggest companies, the veritable powers that be that dictate what all of us are wearing, display high fashion collections biannually, in four of the global fashion hotspots: Milan, New York, Paris and London. These are the clothes that nobody actually wears. They’re like concept art. Only ridiculously expensive and time consuming to make. Then all of the smaller companies go off and make cheaper and more sane versions of the same styles, which is what the general public wears three months later. Clothes that we wear in Autumn and Winter (AW collections) are ‘exhibited’ in the summer time, and vice versa. Again, weird. So really you need to start planning what you are going to wear next summer over the coming three months.

So why do should you care about these events that occur to satisfy nothing apart from a complex materialistic drive in life? Money, as per the norm, is a key factor. If you ended up as the CEO of Kering, for example, which is a terrifyingly large company that owns Gucci, Saint Laurent Paris, Balenciaga, Puma, Alexander McQueen and about 15 other major international subsidiaries, you would be very rich. Like really rich. We are talking a personal fortune of over $15 billion. Life goals.

However, let’s say that there is a chance that you don't want to become this wealthy. To ascend to the god-like status of 67th on the Forbes billionaire list. Let's say that you want to bypass this and head towards number one, a place I'm sure is in the sights of a few Paulines, and factors heavily into their 'where do I see myself in 15 years' time’ plan. Fair enough. If that's the case then fashion is probably not the most important thing on your list right now. It's probably not going to earn you the most money either, seeing as Louis Vuitton (the most successful luxury brand, with an estimated value of $28.4 billion) seems pitiful when compared to Apple, which has a value of over $104 billion (Forbes).

However, whilst on the move to your ’rightful place’ (to quote Douglass Booth in The Riot Club), it's probably better to look on trend, rather than sticking to the guidelines of Dress For Success, which is a book dictating that you have to wear a grey, blue or beige suit at all times, unless you are in charge. If you are in charge, then you need to base your entire wardrobe around pinstripes.* So now everyone is wearing black, blue and brown. But obviously this will not suffice if you are us. We need to look like the epitome of success, and to do this we need to keep up with the trends. The trends of late, for this AW season at least, were shown back in June, but they're now starting to appear in shops, as slightly toned down versions of the creations seen on the catwalk. The basic understanding is that oversized is going to be big (aha) this winter, so we all need to go Macklemore-esque with the fur coats and the massive jumpers. A good example of this: Dolce and Gabbana's line of outfits that look like something from Game of Thrones. I think going all the way and also donning the golden crown really lets people know where you're going in life. *This did in fact lead to the decline of several fabric mills across Europe after the financial crisis started in 2008, because pinstripes went out of fashion, in a big way (clue: it's because no one wanted to look like a banker and get heckled and/or stabbed whilst walking down the street.)

ALBERT MEEK

IS 50 CENT STILL RELEVANT? There was a time when 50 Cent was arguably the biggest name in the hip-hop/rap scene. The rappers name was universally known, and respected (and maybe feared), as opposed to nowadays where most teens will think of him as a relic of a past era.

After the release of his 2003 debut studio album Get Rich or Die Tryin’, which featured the likes of well-known rapper Eminem, and produced by Dr Dre among others, the whole world was fiending for more of the slick young emcee. The album went 6xPlatinum in the United States, and Triple Platinum in the UK, showing how it appealed to a universal audience; 50’s ‘homies’ would be eager to ‘represent’, whilst upper middle class members of the Caucasian community, would enjoy listening to the rapper in their German made automobiles somehow feeling connected to the topics of the music. Popular songs in the album such as ‘In da Club’ appealed to a very wide audience successfully, and are still popular today, but 50 also kept his street rep with songs such as ‘Many Men’, and ‘U not like me’, which are more serious songs and highlight the problems faced by the rapper in the environment he grew up in.

There was something about the young upstart that made the people love him- his smooth delivery of words, hard-ass lyrics, the confident and invincible persona he employed to great effect- for the first time in a long time in the rap scene there was a truly genuine figure who took the world by storm.

For at least three years after the release of his debut album, 50 dominated the music scene with his posy G-Unit which was composed of childhood comrades Lloyd Banks, Tony Yayo, and new southern swagger recruit Young Buck. It was with this group that he demolished other rappers in the game such as: Rick Ross, Mobb Deep, Nas, the LOX, and Ja Rule to name a few. He revealed to the world that Rick Ross used to be a parole officer and that Ja Rule was homosexual, a warning to any other rapper who wanted to beef with him. A large chunk of 50’s wealth didn’t actually come from rap, but surprisingly from a successful Vitamin Water investment, which didn't harm his image of a- as he put it P.I.M.P., as it landed around 150 million dollars, bringing his net worth up to a jaw dropping 270 million dollars.

When the rapper had been on top for so long and it seemed as if nothing could bring him down, it all started to fall apart. The same characteristics, which had made him famous led to his downfall: his volatile alpha male personality, and zero tolerance attitude to disrespect and laziness within his squad wreaked havoc among the unit.

The first to go was the newest acquisition The Game, who had reached unbelievable fame in the unit, with the single ‘Hate It or Love It’ reaching number one on the US Hot Rap Songs billboard, and being nominated for a Grammy. 50 threw him out reportedly for his cockiness and lack of loyalty. He also revealed The Game used to be a male stripper, which as you can imagine put a huge dent in his tough persona.

Young Buck was the next to depart, after being arrested for gun charges (a shocker with songs such as ‘Bang Bang’ and ‘Guns Go Bang’), which caused frustration with 50 who had recently loaned the rapper a large sum of money. Tensions between 50 and

Lloyd Banks now mounted because of the rappers apparent laziness, and he eventually left, followed by Tony Yayo who was arrested for drug charges (Yayo = cocaine; his name literally means Tony Cocaine), then immediately after his release from prison released a single called ‘So Seductive’. What the hell was he doing in there? After this disastrous series of events, the Unit was left in tatters, and 50’s popularity began to fall rapidly. His next two albums Curtis (2007) and Before I Self Destruct (2009) sold a combined 4 million copies, compared to Get Rich or Die Tryin’, which sold 12 million copies. 50 now began to delve into different areas of making money, such as headphones, movies and TV, and it seemed as if his music career was over.

This year's Hot 97 Summer Jam, however, saw a colossal moment for all 50 Cent and GUnit fans. The group had been disbanded for over 6 years, and even the most optimistic of fans had lost hope in any kind of reconciliation, but at the concert they shocked the world by performing several hits together. Shortly after the concert, they began releasing freely downloadable singles, which were remixes of popular songs, and they were extremely popular. The most popular of these singles, which I strongly recommend, is a remix of Drake's ‘0-100’, called ‘Real Quick’, and a remix of HS87's ‘Grindin’ My Whole Life’, called ‘Nah I'm Talking Bout’, both of which received significantly more views on YouTube than the originals, showing the overwhelming support for the reunion. These free releases were also great publicity for their upcoming album, which they announced to be released in November. The EP they recently released, called The Beauty of Independence, evoked pleasant memories of G-Units first two albums and was ranked a respectable 17 on the Billboard200 chart, being just a taste of what is to come. I highly recommend checking the EP out, and advise listening to G-Units new album coming next month called 'The Beast Is G-Unit'.

By Paul Sapper

Episode VII: A New Era Star Wars December 18th 2015. More than a year away; but somehow, rather, inevitably, this is the date that has been plastered across the internet for months already – been muttered on the tongues of children and adults alike, as a diminishing, albeit devoted fanbase prepares for a resurrection; a second coming of what many consider the greatest science-fiction franchise to have ever graced our screens, and lives in general. Indeed, while the few sardonic critics disparagingly cast aspersions upon it, the majority of us rejoiced – marvelled at a revelation that at first felt like it couldn’t be true.

But then another piece of news hit us. Perhaps the most provocative piece of news in recent movie history; indeed, just one word - which in almost any other circumstance would likely have had a positive impact. Disney.

For those of you readers who don’t know, or haven’t worked it out yet, it was in fact Walt Disney Pictures who revealed that a new Star Wars film was in the making, and who instantly cast doubt and anxiety over the legacy of the cult classic. Were we going to see Princess Leia leading our beloved Han and Chewbacca on a merry escapade across a newfound fairy-tale kingdom whilst whistling songs of love and the promise of redemption; a stereotypically Disneyesque notion?

Indeed, in saying the word “Disney”, perhaps one of the first images you might form is of a giant castle in the midst of Florida; 5 year old kids frolicking around a giant, 7-foot tall Princess Elsa; masses of artificial snow being propelled around by a huge turbine, and a set of speakers blurting out a song, asking you to help the Princess build a companion set in snow.

Contrast that to the dark, eeriness of the swamps of Dagobah (Yoda’s home planet); a murky wasteland with a hostile atmosphere: the complete antithesis of what Disney represents. The two just simply don’t go together; although each fantastic in their own right, should they really be mentioned in the same breadth?

But perhaps I’m being too harsh on Disney, and in actual fact there are many potential reasons why they can restore the franchise to its original heights. Here are the main Pros and Cons: Pro – More Star Wars films: Given the choice, why wouldn’t we want to know what has happened to our beloved characters in all this time?

Con – More Star Wars films: If they’re anything like the recent Clone Wars series (4.2/10 on Rotten Tomatoes), disaster is looming.

Con – Jar Jar Binks: The third most hated movie character of all time, in a recent magazine poll (after Joffrey and Cersei from Game of Thrones), will now be in

shops and amusement parks; not the most hotly anticipated thing.

Pro – Jar Jar Binks: Perhaps we’ll finally get to see a death scene?

Con – Star Wars comics: For the much more devoted fanbase, the new films could destroy the Star Wars Expanded Universe, the officially licensed fan-fiction series created by George Lucas. There’s no possible way Disney will either want to, or be able to replicate it.

Pro – The Marvel franchise: Disney purchased Marvel Entertainment Inc. for roughly $4.5bn in 2009. If movies like The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy are anything to go by, it shows that Disney understand how to handle a pre-existing fanbase.

Con – Songs: As touched on already, many believe that Disney will make the film much more child oriented. Essentially, that means songs; and if they sing “Darth Vader”, there will likely be a riot.

Pro – New/Fresh ideas: Primarily coming through new director JJ Abrahams, and his involvement in the Star Trek franchise, perhaps we can expect newer, more original ideas.

In short, there are many possibilities and directions that the new film will go. And indeed, in a year’s time, there’s no doubt that we’ll all flock to see it; new and old fans alike. Whatever happens, though, is anybody’s guess. While the general consensus is that it’s a bad idea, similarly, many of us are quietly, anxiously hoping to be proved wrong.

Jonathan Wong

SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments SPORT mathletes cricket rugby darts cup-stacking SPORT hockey frisbee lacrosse horseriding competitive-eating SPORT wrestling boxing discus tiddlywinks baseball SPORT golf bowling debating football battlefield re-enactments

The Ryder Cup and why you should care

By Daniel Taktak ‘And a half.’ If you hear this expression around the atrium then you know that one of two things is being discussed, either: scrambling to finish Maths prep before the bell or discussing the emphatic nature of Europe’s Ryder Cup victory by1612 points to1112.

However, here lies an issue. The issue is that too many times people were discussing the former, not the latter. It seems that too few tutor groups began their Monday morning by discussing the heroics of Jamie Donaldson and instead focused on more common issues such as prep left over from the weekend.

Now the question remains: why wasn’t everyone discussing the nature of the historic win that had just taken place? Why weren’t more people searching out the Americans in their year and dishing out the customary abuse that comes with supporting the losing side?

One thing is for sure, it isn’t due to a lack of quality. This Ryder Cup saw a number of outstanding shots and individual performances, whether it be the magnificence of Martin Kaymer’s chip in to beat Bubba Watson on the 15th, or that Justin Rose’s and Henrik Stenson’s dazzling performance in the Saturday fourballs session, one thing that this Ryder Cup did not lack is talent. If you’re looking for controversy, look no further than Phil Mickelson’s comments towards his captain Tom Watson’s poor decision making. So then, why was the whole school not buzzing about the Ryder Cup? The atmosphere around the Gleneagles course in Scotland could not be faulted. Fans oohed, aahed, politely applauded and yelled ‘Get in the hole!’ at every exquisite shot that the world’s greatest players had to offer. There were 40,000 fans lined up down the first hole just to see the first singles match get underway on the Sunday. Some of these fans arose at 2 o’clock in the morning just to get the ideal spot in the grandstand. There was evidence of the raw passion amongst the fans gathered in Perth which fans around the rest of the country just seem to slightly lack. But why?

Despite the fact that many of us may pop onto our local golf range and smack a few drives, people just lack the love of the game that is dedicated to sports such as football. However, there is just as competitive an atmosphere on a golf course as there is at Stamford Bridge.

Players are made to fight hard, hold their nerve and even shed a tear once in a while as well as making just as much as footballers do, and yet we are nowhere near as dedicated to our continent’s golf team as we are to our football teams. I once heard that watching the Ryder Cup on the television was like ‘watching those last minutes of a Champions League final over an entire day’ and what’s not to love about that? One promise that I can make to you is that it’s not just about watching 5 hours of fat men hitting a ball with a stick on grass.

Alright, well maybe it is to an extent… but it’s high quality stuff! There is just as much drama and far more pressure on a golfer holding a 1UP lead than there is on a team leading by one goal. This is due to the fact that an individual football player misplacing a pass has far less impact than a golfer who just misses a putt by an inch.

Granted, the Ryder Cup this year did lack just a few things; most notably a certain Tiger Woods who brings with him not just his adoring fans and controversy but the element of ‘What did Tiger do?’ to the competition. His absence through injury was one that the Americans did clearly miss and his experience would no doubt have left the players a more relatable character to talk to and receive wisdom from than captain Watson. Yes, looking back on Ryder Cups of yesteryear we can say that this one did lack some drama. Compared to the nail-biting finish of the Miracle at Medinah two years ago this tournament did lack the beautifully Hollywood scripted comeback story. But that meant it also lacked the poor performance from a complacent nation throwing a lead away and that was certainly not missed. Indeed we also had some incredibly tight singles matches turned around and incredibly won by the likes of Graeme McDowell. Just because Europe were the favourites doesn’t mean we should call their win easy, but possibly instead we should praise the excellent captaincy of Paul McGinley.

I’m afraid to say that if you did miss the Ryder Cup, you have missed out and it will be a twoyear wait until you can experience the drama once again. However, fear not - there is plenty of golf to watch in between including the Masters and the Open. So I implore you to get down to your local course, celebrate every putt as if you were Ian Poulter, challenge an American to a game and humiliate him just like the guys on the telly, and in two years time strap yourself in for one of the most exciting spectacles the world of sport has to offer.

Why the MLS is the future of Football

by Tyler Jackson ‘Soccer’ has come a long way in America since the birth of MLS In 1993, seen primarily as the dumping ground for old professionals trying to make a quick buck before they retire. Today, in 2014, the American competition can now at least lay some claim to being a competitive professional league: former World greats Frank Lampard, David Villa and Kaka – now all well into their thirties – have signed up for deals with MLS franchises, and, if Lampard’s four goals in 3 games for City is anything to tell by, these players are most certainly not “past it.”

Despite all this, it seems that it is rather paradoxically the Americans who are leading the way in at least one aspect of the game: technology.

Whilst the English game wrestles with its own technological conundrum (goal-line technology was only recently introduced following events that shunted the issue to the forefront of minds once more) the American’s football has taken a two-footed leap into the future.

Adidas, sponsors of the MLS and pioneers of technology, claim MLS managers will be able to access real-time information through a tablet computer in the dugout, via a chip planted into player’s shirts. This they claim to be the “next step in player performance analysis” – coaches will be able to access data such as heart rate, player position, power output, speed, distance covered, intensity of play, acceleration and GPS heat mapping, just by using tablet devices on the bench. This realtime technology is unheard of, and whilst managers such as Roberto Martinez will retire to his home after a match day, and relax with an in-depth, post-game analysis from ProZone, MLS managers will have a serious advantage as they have this vast wealth of information at their fingertips.

So what are the implications of this new technology? The crux of Adidas’ idea comes from the realtime aspect of the data; managers could conceivably base their team-talk at halftime on the information that has been received from the computer chip. This Orwellian aspect of the technology suggests that the manager may only need to press a few buttons or listen to the warning of the system to make all of his tactical decisions… if only there was a popular computer game about being a football manager that they could use to prepare for this technological leap. It seems as if this advance in technology is leading the way to managers sitting in the crowds, controlling their players as if in FIFA!

Adidas claims that the program will provide alerts for when players are growing fatigued or if their work-rate simply isn’t up to scratch, essentially helping managers to make decisions as to what to do next. Before too long, the sight of a manager stood on the touchlines with an iPad in hand staring at the screen in order to judge the performance on the pitch rather than viewing what is in front of him could be common place. Instinct, tactical nous and experience could all pale in significance as the plethora of data suggests what to do next.

Of course this is not the first time the MLS has led the way in football innovation. The newly inducted, fan-favourite, vanishing free-kick spray was first introduced by the MLS in 2011, three years before it came into public view at the Brazil 2014 World Cup. This is just one example of why so many high-profile stars are signing up to be with the undeniable ‘entrepreneurs of football’.

Moreover, in recent years technology has played an increasingly vital role in how football is understood. Football is in no way immune to the effects of the digital age. However, football has always stubbornly kept one foot in the past, or at least its governing bodies have, thus it has proved difficult to drag the game into the future. Technology is surely football's greatest friend, and can be used to enhance it, not change it fundamentally in any way. Goal-line technology and vanishing spray are the most recent inductees into the “Premier League Technology Hall of Fame”, perhaps soon to be followed by video replays. All of these have been seen recently in the MLS. Football fans want technology because its implementation would make the game more fair.

Supporters call for the game to be less like a lottery; we are excited by raw talent as opposed to luck. As a football fan, I have witnessed and felt wronged by decisions involving my team.

Injustice is wrong, at any level; the fact that every team is on the end of a poor refereeing decision shouldn’t be negated because it ‘balances out.’ A disallowed goal, for example, could be worth millions to the club that has been affected. They could be relegated, miss out on the prospect of promotion, maybe even lose a final, or a last-16 knockout round World Cup game to Germany for that matter, not that it scars you for life or anything.

The introduction of Hawk-Eye into the Premier League is evidence of the FA’s growing approval of MLS technology. Although it has not been fully adopted by UEFA, for example both European trophies still use goal line referees (fifth officials), the future looks bright for technology. Goal line technology already drastically improved the Premier League last season, paving the way for other leagues, such as La Liga in Spain and Ligue 1 in France, to sign on for such technology. The FA changed their mind due to the outrage at the abhorrent decision in South Africa in 2010 and has not looked back, again, not that that event was in any way scarring.

In many ways, the MLS does have something to learn as well from European football. Perhaps it would be more popular if it weren’t for the salary cap or maximum of designated players. However, for the game to keep pace with the modern world that surrounds it, perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad example to embrace MLS soccer. Maybe, there is something to learn from the Americans and the MLS after all.

GCSE HISTORY 2035

To what extent was David Moyes’ reign at Manchester United doomed to fail? (10) The 2012/2013 title winning season for Manchester United was one great big swansong for Sir Alex Ferguson, who ended his 26 year reign of the club in style. The following season, however, was the complete opposite, with David Moyes masterminding the unravelling of everything Ferguson had created in his tenure. But what could Moyes have done to save the club? And to what extent was failure inevitable?

On the face of it, Moyes had a title winning squad, and therefore he clearly could have bettered his 7th place finish behind his previous club Everton. He had the Premier League’s most consistent goalscorer in Robin van Persie, and many a world class player besides, for example Wayne Rooney and Nemanja Vidic. Therefore, surely it stands to reason that Moyes could, and should, have done better?

Furthermore, he was announced as future United manager long before the end of Ferguson’s last match, and had ample time to think about his transfers. It must be said that United fans would have been surprised if you’d told them that their club’s only signing of the summer would have been the £27 million pound purchase of Marouane Fellaini on the final day of the transfer window. Fellaini, it must be said, has not lived up to his premium price, having not scored in any of his 23 premier league games for the club.

Moreover, Moyes was very unlucky, with Robin van Persie picking up a series of injuries over the season, leading to the Dutchman never finding his Midas touch of gold which the Premier League had come to know so well during the previous year.

His lack of fitness meant a dry period in front of goal for United, who combined only scored 64 goals in the season, 22 less than the previous year.

On the other hand, David Moyes’ tactics were stilted at best, and his approach never had the full backing of his senior players, especially when results started to go against them. This idea is exemplified by the 2-2 draw with Fulham at Old Trafford, when United had the most crosses in one match in Premier League history. Moyes tactics seemed to make United play much slower than they had the previous year under Ferguson, and the ‘Chosen One’ started acquiring critics for his style of play. This may have been partly down to the lack of ingenuity and energy from his players: Michael Carrick was one whose standard of play was much lower, and slower, than the previous year.

However, it may not have been the team, but the manager, who was at fault for this.

Moyes’ record at Everton was consistent, and he almost always made the top half of the table in his 10 year reign. But his ability to manage a top-class team was questionable: he had never won at Old Trafford, the Emirates, Stamford Bridge or Anfield, or even got his hands on some silverware before he arrived; almost all of these stayed true after he’d left.

Yet, the most important reason why Moyes was never going to satisfy United fans was the fact that he wasn’t Fergie. Ferguson was one of the world’s great managers: able to inspire belief and extra effort from his players; able to reincarnate title winning side after title winning side; the creator of ‘the mind game’. Moyes, on the other hand, was by comparison just ‘some Scottish bloke’ who’d done alright at Merseyside’s second biggest club.

Overall, although Moyes may not have been doomed to fail, he was never going to fulfil the large boots of Sir Alex Ferguson, and would never have been able to replicate the achievements of his predecessor. We can comfortably conclude that the second Moyes took over, Fergie time was well and truly up.

By Mungo Russell

10 Tips to Boost England's Chances at Euro 2016 1. Send the younger members of the squad to participate in U21 or even U19 tournaments; as a result of this there will be greater cohesion and team chemistry. For example, the system in Germany is often lauded, with the most commonly cited example the 2009 European Championship squad, featuring 6 members who would go on to be the World-Cup winning squad of 2014. However, for England the total is only two. Moreover, fans enjoy seeing young talent develop, as it helps to delude them that the future will be better than the present (which is highly unlikely for England). The failure to “sign” Adnan Januzaj (whose name I spent about five minutes trying to spell) indicates that England is no longer seen as an attractive team to play for by up and coming youngsters.

2. Don’t pick solely from the Top Four. Select talent from the full range of the Premier League table and perhaps even the Championship. Shelvey, Vardy, Zaha and Berahino are all players who the Three Lions supporters would like to see play more in the current England set-up.

3. The FA should appoint a more charismatic manager, one who inspires his players to play for him: Harry Redknapp, Tony Pulis or, perhaps, Stuart Pearce, the current manager of the U21 side. Someone who does not tell stories about monkeys going to space and or who is made to seem like a relic from a bygone era. I, for one, do not see the problem with a foreign manager. If they (in this I include women as well) are good enough, then they should have an equal opportunity in becoming England manager. This is necessary as players who perform excellently week in week out, such as Leighton Baines, are not being motivated fully by Roy Hodgson.

4. England should try to appeal to the general public, so that people actually want to watch the national team play. For instance, in a recent friendly against Norway at Wembley, the attendance was a paltry 40,181, meaning that Sunderland’s 2013-2014 home game average attendance was higher. The unglamorous remaining European Championship qualifying fixtures mean that England needs a greater social media presence in order to connect with the disillusioned young England supporters.

5. Similarly, make fans value their country at least as much as their club. On October 4th, results of a poll on the issue of “club versus country” were released, detailing that 69% of the participants had voted for club, meaning that only 31% voted that country was more important. Consecutive poor showings at the World Cup and a realisation that England will probably never be able to challenge for major trophies for a long while at least has prompted this. In response, England should stop treating their fans as consumers, but as people who want to watch their team. The price of the new England shirt at £90 is extortionate compared to a shirt of the Premier League champions Manchester City, which costs around £50. This prevents poorer fans from feeling a part of England’s target supporter base.

6. England’s arrogance in not playing to other team’s weaknesses is also a problem which needs to be addressed. For example, the fact that Park Ji-Sung, a relatively experienced (he was 29 years old at the time), but pacy individual man-marked Andrea Pirlo and shut him out the game should have lead England to pick someone similar. Instead they picked Sterling, who had never played against Pirlo, in the hope that his pace would cut Pirlo out. Although Sterling did not play poorly, it would have been more tactically astute to place Wayne Rooney, who is Manchester United’s fastest starter and the seventh fastest player in the world according to FIFA and who had much more experience playing against Pirlo than Sterling, against the Italian veteran.

7. Joe Hart needs to be tested more for his place as England No.1 keeper to make sure that he does not become overly-confident in his own abilities, as happened to Iker Casillas, both in Spain and Real-Madrid jerseys. Fraser Forster should be utilised more, especially as he now plays regularly in the Premier League, with a Southampton team that is now second in the selfproclaimed “best league in the world”. After all, it is no mean feat to be nicknamed “The Great Wall” by Mundo Deportivo, a Catalan sports newspaper. Given that the award for the best goalkeeper in the La Liga is named after a former Barcelona player, the newspaper based in Barcelona clearly wasn’t exaggerating when it christened Forster with such a glorious epithet.

8. The FA should prove to all that it is not “institutionally racist”, as Sol Campbell said it was in his biography.This should be done by appointing ethnic minorities to important positions within the England football team. As Campbell claimed there was not one “one black coach, one black physio ... masseur ... no-one”. The FA should start a campaign to appoint more ethnic minorities in the top tiers of England’s backroom staff and to encourage more non-white managers to start managing in English football leagues.

9. England should be slated less by the media. For example, every match against a worse team which is won by a goal margin of less than 2 goals is subject to intense scrutiny, with every player coming under the microscope from every daily newspaper in the land. Furthermore, the national team was never in a position to get out the group stage, but was roundly criticised when they failed to win against teams with vastly more experience than them and a larger trophy cabinet.

10. Finally, England have players with class, so why not let them use it? Players should be able to play with some degree of individuality without being worried that they will fail. As Zlatan said to Pep Guardiola, “You bought a Ferrari, but you drive it like a Fiat”, criticising Barcelona’s possession obsessed football. Therefore, England should, above all, #DareToZlatan in preparation for the European Championships in France 2016.

By Fintan Owens

THE TOP TEN SPORTING CELEBRATIONS 10. Lomana LuaLua: The Seven Back Flip Backward Somersault.

This has got to be one of the most dramatic celebrations in sporting history. Lomana LuaLua celebrated his goals by doing seven back flips and a backward somersault. The celebration apparently stems from his interest in gymnastics. LuaLua was apparently banned from this celebration because he injured his ankle attempting ten consecutive somersaults, while playing for Portsmouth.

9. Jimmy Bullard: Mocking the manager Phil Brown the Hull manager gave Hull a team talk on the pitch during their 5-1 defeat in the Premier League against Manchester City. He felt the performance was schoolboy like and therefore told the team off on the pitch. A year on in the same fixture when Jimmy Bullard equalised with a penalty he sat his team mates down on the pitch and recreated the team talk that his manager had given. Phil Jones in an interview after the match said: “I couldn't deliver my post-match speech as I was laughing so much. The whole thing was timed to perfection.”

8. Katharine Copeland: The Scream Arguably the most iconic celebration of the 2012 London Olympic games. After winning gold on the water after many years of effort, the relief and happiness was clear on Copeland’s face as her jaw stood agape, seemingly stuck for ten minutes. After the race she said: ‘I can't believe this is real and we just won,’ and joking with her teammate Sophie Hosking: We're going to be on a stamp tomorrow".

7. Pat Cash: Running into the stands Pat Cash won at Wimbledon in 1987 and celebrated by heading through the startled centre court spectators to join his relatives in the players' box. The club had never seen scenes like this before, but as Pat Cash was so popular, not least with the female viewers, it was admired by the public. Cash more or less set the ball rolling with the famous celebration; almost every tennis player now does this.

6. Andrew Flintoff: Running out Ponting One of the moments of the 2009 Ashes. It was day four of the final test and it was seen by many as the moment that regained England the Ashes. In the end England won comfortably by 197 runs but momentum was just starting to shift for the Aussies. The celebration itself was a thing of beauty. Flintoff threw down the stumps and stood arms aloft, chest out, chewing his gum, waiting to be mobbed by his teammates.

5. Chris Ashton: Swallow Dive Love it or hate it, Chris Ashton’s swallow dive is one of the best rugby celebrations of recent times. It was synonymous with Ashton’s great run of form and confidence, culminating in him becoming the 2011 Six Nations top try scorer. The swallow dive became iconic and was copied up and down the country on schoolboy rugby pitches, much to the annoyance of rugby coaches.

4. Eric Cantona: Just standing there Recently Eric Cantona won the best celebration in Premier League history award, by just standing still. That’s right, his incredible chip against Sunderland in 1996 after a great run was followed by Cantona standing with arms outstretched, taking in the applause and admiration of the crowd. It was interesting to see Cantona beating both Bullard and Lualua to the award.

3. Mario Balotelli: Why always me?

One of the great personalities to grace the Premier League is undoubtedly Mario Balotelli.

He has set off fireworks in his own home, failed to learn how to put on a bib and provided us with one of the most iconic images in the English League’s history. On derby day against local rivals Manchester United, he pulled up his shirt to reveal the phrase: ‘Why always me?’, with his deadpan expression. Something that will live long in the memory of every sports fan.

2. Mo Farah: The Mobot We have seen many of the top celebrations come from the Olympics; this is no exception.

Mo Farah became a national hero on Super Saturday of the London Olympics which saw Great Britain gain 3 golds on the athletics track in a night. The excitement and disbelief of sports fans was exemplified by Mo Farah’s mobot celebration as he ran across the line winning gold and extending his arms to make his name ‘Mo’, mouth wide open with amazement and immense joy.

1. Usain Bolt: The lightning bolt The Lightning bolt is considered by many to be the top celebration in sporting history. Not only is Bolt, the fastest man to grace the earth, he is also one of the coolest. Bolt ran the Beijing Olympics 100 metre final with his laces untied and then showed the world the lightning bolt. The unique celebration is definitely the most famous celebration in the world at the moment, as people try to copy their hero.

By Oliver Tapper

and most of all benefit others.’

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

Pause. Pause. Pause. ‘There is no first.’

Reverend James Blackstone became a new If a tree falls in the middle of the woods and member of staff this year and obviously it was no one hears it; does it make a sound? necessary to find out more information about ‘Very Zen of you. Very Zen indeed. Yes it the man who was going to fill the boots of Rev. does.’

Allsop. So I suppose it was my Pauline duty to What is the greatest book of all time? find out if he was up to scratch. Thank God ‘Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina’ (pardon the pun) I was not disappointed.

What is the greatest song of all time?

What drew you to Philosophy?

Any song sung by Johnny Cash?

‘It’s what draws anyone to Philosophy.

What are your hobbies?

Questioning. Questioning. Questioning.

I’ve done a couple 800 mile walks and Constant relentless questioning. Philosophy camped out in the Wild. I travelled to South is just a generalisation of questions. Take East Asia, India a number of times, America. nothing for granted.’

Which do you think is the best community Now that you have observed our behaviour, of people living in the World? what piece of advice would you give to It must be the hospitality of the Turkish.

Paulines?

The resilience of the Vietnamese ‘Find Joy.’ And to finish off I had to ask him the cliché If you had a time machine where/when would Pauline ego-boost questions…As a new you go and why? teacher what do you think is the best quality ‘I think it’s genuinely important to be happy of St. Paul's? in the present, so I’d probably go around a That’s a very difficult question. I don’t deny full circle but to be fair to the question.’ its success academically but I think the Pause. ‘I’m allowed thinking time right?’ community really strives due to an always I’d like to visit the writers of the Hindu forward looking attitude.

Upanishads, wonderful texts written in the After leaving the interview I felt two emotions.

Indian Forests.’

Which figure, alive or dead, has influenced The first being pure shock in the extent of travel, education and overall wellbeing of our you the most in your life? new Reverend’s life. The second a feeling of ‘Jesus Christ.’ So no surprise there…

What did you do before joining St. Paul’s? pure jealousy as I realised that Dr. Blackstone possessed the perfect UCAS application.

‘Haha, I have a list to be honest. I worked as a portrait painter, an artist. I’ll tell you a lot about everything then. Well I worked in residential social work, taught English in Poland, lived in a monastery in a contemplative order, taught primary and secondary schools. Other smaller jobs too like pub Work etc. Worked in parishes in London, been an assistant chaplain at UCL. I think that I

Interview with Reverend Blackstone:

Issam Azzam

Our Political Views Quentin Mareuse St Paul’s pupils at the Political Extremes Political views of students at schools with as notorious a reputation for elitism as SPS always stimulate controversy and accusatory prejudice amongst the students’ peers. One of the reasons for this is how extreme (or, more likely, purportedly extreme) they often are. I have here compiled a brief, arbitrary, and totally non comprehensive list of the categories that these politically “extreme” Paulines usually fall into. Avoid associating with them.

The Champagne Socialist Probably the most prominent and easily identifiable. It is not particularly malicious, but just repulsively hypocritical. This guy will sing the virtues of equality and Marxist thought all day and get picked up by his white-gloved chauffeur at 4:15. Can be spotted around its principal hangouts in Central London, namely Hyde Park Corner and Parliament Square by day, and Mahiki, Le Gavroche, and Boujis by night.

The Right Wing Radical The most hated breed of Pauline radicalists. This is because, no matter how many Mussolini speeches he has downloaded onto his iPod, everyone knows that this guy is donning a persona solely for attention. He’ll devote entire lunch breaks to discoursing about the weaknesses of democracy to bored peers or fourth formers minutely entertained by his edginess.

The Conservative Toff Undoubtedly the most common member of the set, with membership ranging from 10 to 20 within each year group. These are mostly your average Public School jerks: self-entitled, pretentious, arrogant, contemptuous and, in politics, conservative (with a small c). They’ll go on about the economic benefits of the right wing, giving not a moment’s thought to the “peasants” and actually embracing the image they project. Disgusting.

The Unadulterated Populist This man has literally no shame in supporting whatever is à la mode at the time. He considers politics as little more than a point of interest, unconcealedly prioritises flair, rhetoric, and personal appeal in a politician over sound policies, and is swayed with the masses at every turn.

At the moment, UKIP is very popular amongst this strain of Pauline radicals.

The Loony Liberal Plaid shirts, loosely done ties and scruffy hair are all tell-tale signs of a loony liberal. This is the type of intelligent teenager who has taken rebelliousness way too far for his own good. Will often be seen vehemently and flamboyantly defending feminism or gay rights. Not that this is a bad thing in any sense, but the single-mindedness and superiority of the loony liberal is enough to permanently put people off him, although his clashes with the fascists can be highly entertaining on a rainy day.

Malice in Wonderland: Adventures of the Daniel Savin Modern Mad Hatter B EGINNINGS One warm, wet August afternoon, your intrepid reporter was stumbling through the slippery cobbled streets of Venice when, either by blind luck or something more sinister, I stumbled upon a quaint old costume shop, offering blessed relief from what could now be confidently termed a downpour. The display in the window seemed… off, somehow, in a way I could not quite put my finger on, but I entered regardless, hypnotised by the prospect of dryness.

Having coaxed life back into my numb appendages, I glanced around the dusty old shop, stacked to the rafters with a plethora of dolls and stray articles of clothing. A wizened, eccentric old man tinkered away in the corner, too engrossed in his work to have noticed either my entry or the accompanying jet of rain. My eye was caught by a seemingly innocuous workbench in the corner, totally bare but for two items: a top hat and a bowler hat. I was seized with intrigue; I had to have one. But which to choose? In truth, the bowler, separately made famous by Charlie Chaplin’s Little Tramp, Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange and Goldfinger’s Oddjob, never stood a chance against the top hat, worn by such esteemed visionaries as the Monopoly Man, Willy Wonka, the Mad Hatter, the Artful Dodger, Slash, high-ranking Freemasons, the Cat in the Hat, Abraham Lincoln, most magicians and contemporary hip-hop musician T-Pain.

I handed over two crisp notes to the still-transfixed shopkeeper and gamboled gleefully out of the establishment, clutching the box at my side like a prize chicken.

The cold, hard light of day had rendered my enthusiasm greatly diminished, more rational thoughts having crept into my head. So, by the time I had returned from my holidays, the box still lay untouched, goading me on from the corner of my room until I could resist no longer.

WEARING A TOP HAT IN PUBLIC I had no choice in the matter, I feel I must stress once again: I did not choose to wear the hat, the hat forced itself on me. Maybe I should have fought back when I still could. It is too late now.

When I first donned the top hat, I had grossly underestimated its potential, convinced that people had bigger fish to fry than my hat (which, if represented in fish form, would probably be a medium-sized fish such as a pollock). This was emphatically not the case. In 20 minutes of wearing my hat in public, I was openly laughed at by strangers, given a look of pulverising disdain by an old lady and nearly killed by a man on a speeding bicycle who was clearly very pleased with the mildly facetious nature of my headwear and decided to show his appreciation by attempting to give me a high-five.

I regained my composure and walked into school, foolishly assuming that I would be safe among friends. Of course, I now know that there is a direct and proven correlation between friendship and probability of attempted hat theft, assuming constant hat presence. I suppose that is one of the main lessons I have learned from my ordeal, as well as never to trust a fake cow.

Reactions to my hat varied hugely, from supportive to derisory and everything in between. The single most popular response was to unleash a barrage of unprintable expletives while maintaining an unflinching expression of complete bewilderment. Strangers smiled at me in the street, and almost everybody asked me the same question: why was I wearing the hat? A more rational person might draw some conclusions from my inability to answer this question even after having literally hundreds of opportunities to, but I decided to ignore the implications instead.

CONCLUSION When I first bought my hat, I did not expect to learn anything about the inner workings of modern Western society. It turned out that I was right not to expect much. I have, however, made a much less surprising and significant discovery: society is not yet ready for the reintroduction of the top hat. Nevertheless, I will keep up my crusade, brushing aside everything that stands in my way. From fake cows to low-hanging branches, nothing will stop me from achieving my (poorly-defined) aims. The revolution marches on!

Letters to Erasmus Dear Erasmus, I am afraid to say that I am a member of the 6th form. Recently as I have emerged from the library in seek of companionship, I have been spoken to in a language I cannot understand. How am I to cope when those in my year choose to greet me with “wagwan blud”?

Ah, the only objective of the 6th form year: to look ‘street’. Coupled with the increasing danger of the Hammersmith Bridge, never has such a characteristic been needed. Fear not, here are some foolproof responses to help you look like the Tupac of Castelnau; ‘Rah, allow him setting me those dead marks, swear down I wrote bare on the onomatopoeic language in that sonnet’ ‘I’m on a ting ‘pon my ergo time, imma kill the regatta ‘gainst Corpus Christi college’ ‘Safe Jamal, cotch later’ Dear Erasmus, I was very proud of my M&S suit when I walked into the atrium on the first day of the L8.

However, to my horror I was met with Savile Row suits adorned with vast briefcases.

Should I continue to be humiliated in my attire or do I spend the last of my savings to dress like them?

The Savile Row x Briefcase is an obvious combination to watch out for, although its accompaniment with bright yellow suspenders and leather shoes is like a peacock; rare but beautiful, not to mention eye catching. Look on the bright side you stylish Pauline, you could very well be wearing the same suits that icons such as James Milner, Wayne Bridge or even Emile Heskey once wore. Embrace it. In relation to a method of carrying one’s notes, a briefcase is much a double edged sword- if you wish, you can look like a prepubescent George Osborne. On the other hand it also warrants the openness in reference to a certain Inbetweeners line that may well echo through the corridors behind you.

Dear Erasmus, Coming from a school which plays very little Rugby, I have effectively been thrown to the lions in my first games sessions of my 4th form career. How can I involve myself with the team without having to show my limited co-ordination or unwillingness to grope a compatriot’s legs?

Many people have been there before, fear not. The editor of this magazine for example, most definitely did not turn up to his first ever rugby session wearing shin pads. Certain things will help you integrate seamlessly into a squad. For example, the classic ‘yeah here mate’ (cue attempt at a drop goal) while warming up will make you look like a usual player.

For those in more desperate situations, I would advise making ‘the outside run’ behind the fly half, at a pace resembling an asthmatic ant carrying heavy shopping. Claim tactical knowledge and people will simply stare in awe.

Dear Erasmus, I wake up every day sweating and gasping, fully aware that Mufti day sneaks closer every hour. How should I dress for this prestigious event? Should I throw myself into New York gangster clothing brands like SUPREME or should I opt for the more classical Topman hoodie? What is the dress code?

Mufti day, an event to establish yourself as the resident kingpin of Barnes fashion. Jaws drop as you stride through the broadway, rowers stop and stare while you glide across the bridge before you realise on arrival at school that you have forgotten the money to actually donate to charity. While gecko styled Nike shoes populate the atrium and any idea of fashion sense gets rejected quicker than ICON marketers, it is paramount that you stand out. Previous attempts have featured the ever popular ‘mankini’, the onesie, or the more popular ‘I’m in school uniform because I want to draw attention to myself and my beliefs against charity’. I have devised a foolproof strategy- the Full kit, studs and captain armband inclusive.

Teen Advice

Daniel Mobayyen

Alcohol: Alcohol is bad. Don’t drink. Especially if you’re a lightweight.

Women: There is an unavoidable number of eligible girl’s schools in the West London area. Make use of this chance to develop your social skills. On arriving in university, you will be faced with far greater competition including many people who can ‘bench’ more than you. Three things to bear in mind. Don’t call girls fat and most importantly, don’t ask, at Thanksgiving, which joint they prefer. Personal experience tells me the above over stimulates the nasolacrimal ducts.

Cooking: Don’t. Go catered or save up for a butler.

How to make friends: On arriving at university, you will encounter people from the north.

They are not to be feared, because I assure you, they are more afraid of you than you are of them. Reach out to them and in time, they may learn that the word butter, does in fact have a ‘t’ in it.

Criminal Activity: Bit of a touchy topic. Don’t do anything illegal. This includes being caught drunk in a Tesco trolley. Apparently a fine-able offense. Side note to 4th formers; I know many of you endeavour to take the role of ‘bad man’ within your year group. Please don’t. It demeans you and demeans John Colet. Walking with slight shoulder tilt doesn’t make you hard. Neither does addressing your comrades with the greeting ‘ayyyyyy’.

Work: If you have any intellect whatsoever, you should be fully capable of doing no work for the first two and a half years of your school career and still bang a job with the Goldman Sachs. The fourth form is a time for FIFA, not further reading. As you go through the school, it may occasionally be appropriate to work in the evenings, but that’s is fully up to your discretion and in the words of Van Zant, ‘nobody gonna tell me what to do’.

Socialising: During your time at the school, you may be obliged to partake in a ‘scouting mission’. This involves opposing tribes from alternative single sex schools meeting each other in Hammersmith Broadway, but for the first hour, ensuring that the sexes do not cross. It is crucial that you obey this procedure. The minutest deviation from this procedure could lead to full social exclusion, a very upsetting thought indeed.

A MOMENT WITH MALLÉ Seb Mallé is a man governed by his most base passions: women, wine and adrenaline. He lives a life teetering on the precipice of insanity out of choice, “doing what he wants, when he wants”. Inevitably he has amassed a veritable treasure-trove of madcap tales of tomfoolery over the course of his life. For a brief moment he was kind enough to take a second to slow down and lend us his company before he jetted off to his next glamorous rave/orgy/picnic. Here’s how we got on with the young whippersnapper.

B&W: Hi Seb. Could you tell us how you derived your pseudonym Mallé?

Seb: I decided to take on my alter-ego when I first visited Paris. There I discovered my love for French culture and French women, and spent a short time as a High-Court Judge, where my customary banging of the gavel (or mallet) became a symbol of French Justice. From then on I was known only as Mallé.

B&W: You’ve had your fair share of excitement in your life - could you give us any notable examples of your derring-do?

cussing match with David Nartey that led to a slip of the tongue on your part? I have heard that that was rather embarrassing for you.

Seb: I stumbled on my words. I had come up with a witty retort which my mouth mangled into “At least you’re not a loner like me”, insulting myself rather than my lingual sparrer. Of course this is balderdash; I have many French mistresses who I count as my friends.

B&W: That brazen lie provides a neat segue into my next question - just how do you attract the fancies of so many young women?

Seb: I use my devilish charm, and ravishing good looks, and I find I just have my way with the females.

Also I have a gigantic .

B&W: You say this, but recently I heard of a certain French Madame who seems to have turned down your trifecta of looks, charm and endowment. Is there any truth to this?

Seb: (guffaws loudly) Well… this certain missus has been indecisive about which male she would like to Seb: I don’t want to talk about it. I know what you’re befriend, so I let this other male take this certain lady angling at. as I must return to my other 147 buxom wenches on my hands at the moment back in Paris.

B&W: Seb, we want you to talk about your cricketing episode.

B&W: And finally Seb, tell us three things you would keep if you had to give all else away.

Seb: No. B&W: People deserve to know.

Seb: I have a rather large fetish for Cress sandwiches, so a lifetime supply of those. My trusty picnic blanket is a must. I suppose I ought to bring along my Famous Five audio tapes as well, it is their tenacious honesty that keeps me going even on my darkest days.

Seb: Fine… during a cricket escapade I had a little mishap, that was all. I had a case of “the runs” - to my misfortune they were not the sort of runs that count in a cricket match. I was happy as a clam, frolicking about on the emerald turf, when suddenly I B&W: Thanks Mallé. Keep doing what you’re doing. felt a darkness stir in the very core of my being. A sudden uneasiness came over me. Dismissing my premonition as mere silliness I bent down into a catching position to keep wicket. That bending down action triggered an unwanted and unpreventable reaction. My cricketing Whites were now a murky brown...

The whole experience was quite mortifying.

B&W: I can imagine. From what I have heard you were quite the class clown that year. Did anything else of note happen? What about an unfortunate

The Osmonds interviewing Seb Mallet Edited by Alex Osmond

Terrible Reports Subject Report: Following my last, perhaps rather scathing report of A PUPIL I was encouraged to see improvements in his behaviour in class and work at the start of this term. However, as I sit here writing this report, encompassing the entire term’s work I feel that PUPIL was only lulling me into a sense of false hope and security. After remedy, 6/42, 10/25 and a truly remarkable 2/18 have seen PUPIL drop to bottom of his class and I dread to think what the summer exams hold for him if he continues in this way. Perhaps the only positive that he has gained from this term is that he has moved closer to the point where he can drop SUBJECT and find something that he is more applied to, becoming an anarchist perhaps.

Subject Report: Regarding the dropping of the atom bomb, Oppenheimer famously said he was reminded of an ancient Hindu scroll containing the words: ‘Now I am become death, the destroyer of Worlds.’ Although I highly doubt it, perhaps this was what was going through the secretary’s mind as she walked back along the corridor having delivered PUPIL to my classroom. Arriving three weeks in PUPIL was already playing catch-up but apparently has had no intention of settling down with his studies. He has been a thoroughly disruptive influence to his classmates, his actions are erratic and he seems incapable of preventing the first thing he thinks of, whatever it may coming out of his mouth. He seems to never fail to have brought unwanted surprises to my lessons and I suggest he has a long think about the way he conduct himself before returning reformed for the new term.

Subject Report: For PUPIL, this term has brought with it new highs, but more frequently it has to be said, new lows. Unfortunately the majority of the ‘highs’ that I speak of mainly stem from his apparently never-ending store of drug related jokes that are both inappropriate and disruptive for the class. Lows include describing the witches in Macbeth as being ‘the three ugly and off their head girls in the club’ and repeatedly spelling the name ‘Duncan’ as ‘Dunkann.’ It should also be noted that ‘having major Mac-beef with Banquo’ is not an appropriate thing to say in an English essay. This image he wishes to maintain as the class joker will not bring him any long- term rewards and I know that PUPIL is very capable when he stops trying to impress his classmates. I urge him to reconsider how he conducts himself in class and focus on realising his potential and obtaining a respectable grade in the summer.

Ramon Menon Up and coming politician Ramon Menon, often seen preaching his (questionable) political views to 4th formers in the atrium, gives you an insight to his political theory.

David Cameron. Tory. Etonian. Bullingdon Club T***. Nick Clegg. Don’t get me started.

2010 was a special year in British Politics.

Two parties on completely different political spectrums forming a government.

Failure was a certainty; just how long the public would realise it would become a failure was the only thing that required any actual thought.

The EU despises Cameron and his own eurosceptic backbenchers loathe him even more. It’s so blatant. Utterly humiliated by fellow EU leaders when he tried to push Jean Claude Juncker out of the EU’s best-paid position, a man that would eventually be paid more than the US Commander in Chief; to be more precise a hefty £1.8 million with perks included in that. Then he received a backlash from his own MP’s and UKIP for not doing enough to make sure Juncker did not become the President of the EU Commision. Support for the man was deteriorating. Two of his MP’s have defected to a party he described as “a bunch of fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists” and one of those MP’s has already gained a seat in the House of Commons, signalling the first ever UKIPer to do so. His handling of the Scottish Referendum, Syria and IS will prove to be the final blow for him and the Tories.

His policy in Syria is just mindblowing.

For the last 30 years British Foreign Policy towards the Middle East has been completely hypocritical and just very carelessly thought through. Clearly history lessons at Eton weren’t a strong point during Cameron’s time as he still thinks that throwing bombs at something is the only one solution to everything in that region of the planet. Although, Iraq, Iran and the Gulf Wars had nothing to do with him, he has shown mesmerizingly poor leadership throughout the duration of Syrian Civil War. Two British hostages have been brutally murdered by IS (this could soon increase due to his incompetence) while at the same time Turkey managed to negotiate the release of 49 of its citizens WITHOUT any payment of any sort. Serious questions should be asked when another country can negotiate the release of its citizens without money being involved, yet we can’t.

Moreover, the way Cameron handled the Scottish Referendum made him inferior to Alex Salmond. Cameron let Salmond tweak the question of the referendum even though he had the legitimate powers in Westminster to make sure that could not happen. Salmond always wanted to be on a campaign sided YES, increasing the positivity of his campaign; and Cameron literally gifted this to him on a plate. He could have made sure that the question was something along the lines of “Should Scotland remain a part of Great Britain”. Salmond would have immediately been on the backfoot and the referendum might have had a more definite result to it, rather than the unnecessary uncertainty that eventually forced Cameron and the other parties in Westminster to throw the kitchen sink at the Scots and plead them to stay with all these unrealistic promises of devo-max thrown at them.

WILLIAM EUSTACE “In this article, I am going to write about…” These are the nine words that no English essay marker wants to read.

You may well be instructed, should you have free rein to name your work of art, to write it in such a way that the title sums it up nicely. This article, however, is not about what to do once you have been wed, one unto another, for fifty years. It is not even to describe the sheer joy of a Jubilee; instead, it is about death. Not anyone’s death in particular; just death.

Fear it, love it, or loathe it, along with Labour bankrupting the country and tax, it is a certainty.

It came as something of a surprise to me that, recently, we marked the third year since the Fukushima nuclear accident.

The International Atomic Energy Agency published a press release at 21:10 GMT on the 11th of March 2011, which — in a mild and understated manner — suggested that there might be a problem at the nuclear power plant, which had been hit by a tsunami earlier that day.

Built in the late 1960s, and commissioned in 1971, the reactors were designed by General Electric. Wikipedia — that most elevated and ever-accurate paragon of knowledge, generally reserved and objective — describes the “Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster”. Disaster is a word used frequently, and yet, when you look at the figures, it doesn’t really make sense. Yes, it has caused a significant loss of livelihood for quite a few people; yes, the radioactivity is expected to produce an increase in cancer rates; yes, the loss in faith in nuclear power could have disastrous consequences in the

struggle against the ever-threatening anthropogenic Climate Change. Without expressing an opinion on the latter, yes, it’s a disaster. But is it really a big disaster? There were nearly 20,000 deaths due to the earthquake and following tsunami. After the nuclear accident, 300,000 people were evacuated, of whom 1,600 died (0.5%), for mainly unspecified reasons. If one counts this as a direct consequence of the accident, then, perhaps, it is a disaster. But, apart from around forty injuries from various causes, there have, so far as one can determine, been no confirmed casualties. This is partially because of the rapid evacuation, and partially because it is, essentially, impossible to distinguish a natural cancer from one caused by radiation exposure.

The injuries and evacuation deaths are seriously regrettable, and have, rightly, sent shockwaves through Japan’s nuclear industry, but are they due solely to nuclear power? Probably not.

While there was a great fuss in the media this March about the horrific disaster, I have a sneaking, slinking, sullen and sly suspicion that there will be less of a song and dance about an accident which didn’t injure forty people, three years ago, in Japan: it killed somewhere around 25,000 in India thirty years ago this October; many of the survivors continue to suffer now. The plant was operated by Union Carbide India Limited, a spin-off of the large American chemical firm.

Bakelite, the iconic 1920s/30s brand which produced the world’s first synthetic plastic, the snappily named polyoxybenzylmethylenglycolanhydride, was just one of the companies bought out by the wide-ranging Union Carbide Corporation (UCC); by 1984, Union

Carbide India Limited (UCIL) was under the process used by UCIL, it was th celebrating its 50 birthday, having begun made by reacting α-napthol (a reasonably doing business in India in 1934. Among safe, solid powder) and MIC: methylother products, the company made isocyanate. MIC is not safe: an incredibly pesticides; Aldicarb and Sevin to name two. toxic liquid, for which the safety threshold in Both of these were somewhat revolutionary America is 0.2 parts per million. This, when they were introduced, in the late arguably, is true of many process fifties, because they were very effective but chemicals; what makes MIC especially they did not bio accumulate. Pesticides had dangerous however, is that it reacts very hit the news in 1961, when an explosive exothermically with water. Since it boils at (not literally) book called Silent Spring around 40oC, this means that any water revealed that DDT (then a popular reacting with any amount of this liquid will pesticide) was poisoning birds (specifically produce an incredibly toxic gas. The the eagle) and most other forms of wildlife, obvious solution, to UCIL, was to keep it so the fact that they didn’t persist for too nice and far away from water. Still, a 1982 long in the environment was an advantage. UCC safety audit warned of the risk of a Despite this upside, however, there were runaway reaction in the MIC unit. There is, risks. Sevin, for instance, is highly toxic, however, yet another reason why this plant since it inhibits the breakdown of a was inherently unsafe: it produced MIC on neurotransmitter called acetylcholine. This site (which, since it avoids hazardous results in muscle spasm and if enough is goods transport, is good) from two taken, death. Sevin is also believed to be a reagents, one of which is somewhat carcinogen. Of course, pesticides are, by obscure, and the other of which is their very nature, toxic to some organisms phosgene. That’s right, the same chemical and there were comparatively few selective used to great (if terrible) effect by both ones around at the time. To supply India’s sides in the trenches of WWI. rapidly growing agricultural sector UCIL Normally, following good practice, MIC is opened a chemical plant in Bhopal, the produced only in small quantities, before capital of Madhya Pradesh, the central being used up immediately down the line. region of India, in 1970. It was to produce a Due to a drop in demand, however, there large number of different chemicals, one of was rather a lot in a number of which was Sevin. underground storage tanks. Still, the plant’s And, until the agricultural depression and operations had to go on, and, (quite rightly) droughts of the 1980s reduced the following the mantra that cleanliness is next pesticide market, carbaryl (=Sevin) was a to godliness, the operators cleaned out the ‘nice little earner’ for UCIL and its parent pipes of the MIC facility on a regular basis. company UCC, but when the demand for With water. This had been going on for pesticide dropped, the unit became less fourteen years, without incident, and the profitable, and staff cuts were cleaning regime of the 2nd of December implemented. This would have been 1984 was very nearly the same. The critical acceptable, had a similar attitude not been error, however, was not to insert a round, taken to safety: by 1984, the situation in the steel plate – a slip-blind – in the pipe Sevin plant was not so much hazardous as downstream of the washing operation. The lethal. result of this was that when the water The reason that this particular pesticide arrived at the old, poorly maintained, leaky was very dangerous to produce was that, valves, which may have been stuck

open by an obstacle in the pipe, or simply corroded, it went straight through into the MIC tank. As night fell, a powerful, and, by this stage, self-accelerating reaction had begun. The safety alarms for the tank had stopped working in 1980, and the pressure gauge had not been working for a week. Instead of replacing the gauge, the plant operators switched to another tank. The tank refrigeration system, which could have slowed the reaction, was switched off to save electricity, while only one backup monitoring system had been installed, which was manually operated; similar, contemporary systems in the US have four automatic ones. The reason for this? Deliberate use of Indian design consultancies and manufacturing under government guidelines.

At 2300, a worker smelt MIC near the plant, and raised the alarm; this was, worryingly, not that unusual, so no urgent action was taken. As the reaction raged, alarms began to go off. There were two systems which could have saved them (albeit debatably) at this point: the flare tower and the vent scrubber. The first of these has the hazardous chemical which needs to be dumped passed through it and burnt. The second uses sodium hydroxide to neutralise such substances.

“Why didn’t they just get rid of it all through those, then?” I hear you cry. Well, the flare tower, like the other safety systems, was offline for ‘maintenance’ at the time, while the vent gas scrubber was not capable of handling the enormous quantity of MIC stored. In short, by 0000, the plant was doomed. Sure enough, the 42,000kg of cyanide compound reacted with the water, heating itself up and creating hydrogen cyanide gas. By the morning, approximately 30 tonnes of the toxic smog had drifted across Bhopal, killing around 10,000 people within days.

This explanation was made by the Indian

Government’s investigation. Both UCC and UCIL investigated and found that the release was due to sabotage by an employee: it seems unlikely that the truth will ever be known for sure.

There is, however, a final irony in this puzzle: in 2008 there was a large explosion at the Bayer CropScience pesticide plant in Institute, West Virginia.

Two workers were fatally injured, and around ten people were taken to hospital with potential chemical poisoning. The cause was an improperly operated reaction vessel which ruptured. This isn’t unheard of; what was rather more alarming, though, in a facility quite literally a stone’s throw away from a university and on the outskirts of a major city, was that the fragments of the container struck the protective shielding on a tank containing around 6,000kg of methyl-isocyanate. If the shield had moved and damaged pipes leading out of the tank, which investigators found would have been perfectly possible, it could well be that another pesticide manufacturing MIC release could have occurred. In another accident in 2010, a release of phosgene from a worn transfer hose killed another worker at the same site.

Although, hopefully, this article has not been too boring for you, I implore you, dear reader, to press on: there is, I trust, a moral to the story. In fact, upon a moment’s thought, there are a couple of morals to the story, which I will dredge up, like the recidivistic layabouts that morals can be, from the darkest depths of my pseudo-journalistic mind in a mere few seconds!

When I say “Bhopal”, people are flummoxed, discombobulated, confused: if I offered them a free holiday to the place, they might well say ‘Please!’ Imagine how different the

reaction might be, however, if I offered a remarkably few people in Britain will be free holiday to Chernobyl. Admittedly, the remembering those killed in India in 1984 Ukraine is rather less sunny than central this December.

India (although in a few months it will be This article has relied extensively on the monsoon season) but that isn’t really adages, sayings and odd phrases, so the reason: who in their right minds would here’s another, often used in the aviation go to Chernobyl? It’s full of mutated bats industry: an accident occurs when all the and video game monsters and people with holes in the Swiss cheese line up. All of six arms and no legs, isn’t it? Ghastly! the accidents listed above have happened Horrible! Frightful! That said, I would because things have slipped through the rather like to go to Chernobyl: the scene of gaps. Does this mean that nuclear power the world’s worst nuclear disaster is, I and large scale chemical manufacture, understand, a fascinating place. That said, really only examples, should be I might leave it thirty or forty years for … abandoned? Of course not: the past certain personal reasons. should not be used as a tool to bar The fame of Chernobyl could be seen, for progress, but instead historic tragedies, those devotees of the series, on Jeremy like these, should be used to reform the Clarkson’s bespectacled face, when he way in which processes are managed. To was ‘informed’ (I suspect not for the first name one example, Bayer CropScience time) that he was to travel to Chernobyl, in no longer uses MIC in West Virginia (or at the safety and security of a VW Up! The all, now): it makes the same pesticide Chernobyl accident (disaster) will live on using an inherently safer process. Safety in human memory, probably (hopefully?) in the nuclear industry has been improved as long as the radioactive waste, which

by Chernobyl, and poor locations like has a half-life of more than 200,000 years. Fukushima need never again be chosen; The Bhopal disaster also caused only a Luddite would seek to drag down extensive contamination; the abandoned progress in the field. So, as Albert Einstein plant leaks mercury and many toxic (allegedly) once said: “Life is like riding a chemicals into the soil, and groundwater bicycle. To keep your balance you must contamination is believed to be keep moving.” widespread and serious. Yet, I suspect,

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