A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE...
Written by Stephen Ribuffo
Writing Workshop I: Film 831.402.8367
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EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - PORT CHESTER, NEW YORK - DAY
1
A tow truck pulls into the parking area and stops. REPOMAN#1 exits the truck and looks over his clipboard. Repoman#1 points at a blue Toyota Prius. REPOMAN#2 gives a thumbs up from the driver’s seat. The tow truck pulls around. 2
INT. MAX’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY
2
MAX MAXWELL, 35, chubby, wears a white undershirt and boxers is lies in bed. The digital alarm clock on his night stand has no power. The ALARM on his cell phone goes off and VIBRATES on the night stand. Max knocks the alarm clock over. Max waits a moment and reaches for his cell phone. He looks at the time and throws the covers off him. Max sits up, yawns, stretches, then gets up. He trips over the sheets, then crawls to the bathroom. The SHOWER RUNS. 3
INT. MAX’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
3
A table has piles of opened final notice letters and newspapers. Next to a coffee maker is a portable propane camping stove with a kettle on top. Max enters wearing his bathrobe. His hair is still wet and he is brushing his teeth. Max fills the kettle with water, places it on the propane stove, and turns it on. He sits down at the table and he opens a newspaper. The head line reads: “Another drug bust in Rochester.” Max shakes his head. The kettle WHISTLES. Max pours himself a cup of coffee and goes to the window. His eyes and mouth open in shock, and he bolts from his apartment.
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INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - DAY
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Max runs down the hallway in his robe. He reaches the elevator and franticly presses the call button. He paces around. MAX Come on! Please! Hurry up! Max watches as the elevator DINGS at each floor. He runs a hand over his head and notices his wet hair. He GRUMBLES and rubs his hair with the hem of his robe. His boxers show. The elevator DINGS and the DOORS OPEN. MS. FINKELMIER, 72, the grumpy landlord is short with thick, coke bottle glasses. She glares at him. Ms. Finkelmier CLEARS HER THROAT. Max waits a moment, then regains his composure. His hair is a mess. He smiles nervously. MS. FINKELMIER (sternly) Max we need to talk about your rent. She steps out of the elevator and the doors close behind her. Max reaches for the button, but Ms. Finkelmier moves into his way. Max drops his arm as the elevator DINGS its way to the bottom floor. MS. FINKELMIER (CONT’D) You’re late. Again. Max fidgets with the cloth of his robe. He switches glances between the elevator and Ms. Finkelmier. Max...
MS. FINKELMIER (CONT’D)
MAX Ms. Finkelmier I’m working on it. I promise! Please, don’t evict me. I swear I’ll have your rent soon. I promMs. Finkelmier rubs the bridge of her nose.
3. MS. FINKELMIER Max. You’re a very nice man, but I can’t keep taking promises as payment. You have until the end of the month. Max begins to say something, but stops. His shoulders slump and he nods. Ms. Finkelmier calls the elevator. They both enter. 5
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - PARKING LOT - DAY
5
Repoman#1 and Repoman#2 enter the tow truck. The ENGINE STARTS. Max burst through the doors and runs towards the tow truck. The tow trucks drives away and Max runs alongside the truck. MAX Wait! Stop! That’s my car! You’re a day early! REPOMAN#1 My clipboard says today. REPOMAN#2 Gotta a problem, call our supervisor. Repoman#2 flings a business card into Max’s face and the tow truck drives away. Repoman#1 and Repoman#2 LAUGH. The tow truck drivers away. Max takes several more steps and stops PANTING. MAX Yeah, well, screw you! Max watches as the tow truck turns a corner. MAX (CONT’D) I should have said that. Max turns and picks up the card. He SIGHS. MAX (CONT’D) I need to grow a pair of balls.
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INT. DETECTIVE AGENCY - DAY
6
The small office is dark. The curtains are closed and a ceiling fan spins slowly. An expensive business coat hangs on a coat rack by the door. There are two desks on either side of the room. One is neatly organized. The other is a mess. JACOB RIPP, 32, wears designer label business attire and SNORES. Papers and folders cover the desk. A pool of drool soaks into piles of papers his head rests on and an empty bottle of whiskey sits along side a half empty glass. Jacob jerks awake, a paper stuck to his face. Then falls back asleep. The DOORKNOB RATTLES and UNLOCKS. Max enters dressed in a practical business suit with a briefcase under one arm. MAX Sorry I'm... Jacob? Max peers through the darkness, then hits several light switch. The lights turn on and Jacob falls backwards off his chair. JACOB Oh dear God! Jacob crawls under the desk, waits a moment then he reaches over to grab the empty bottle. Shit.
JACOB (CONT’D)
Max removes his coat and places it on the coat rack. MAX Did you sleep here? JACOB Max, for the love of God turn out the lights! Sorry.
MAX
Max turns off the lights over the desk, but leaves the one by the door on. Max pulls several curtains open slightly, slivers of light cut into the room.
5. Max takes several steps into the room, stops and cringes. MAX (CONT’D) Did you throw up? Jacob waits a moment. Maybe...
JACOB
Jacob reaches a hand up and takes the half empty glass. A moment later he replaces it empty. He stands up, eyes bleary and squints. He smooths out his clothes. Max puts his briefcase on his desk then goes to the trash bin by Jacob's desk. He cringes then takes the entire bin to the bathroom. There is a series of PLOPS, a TOILET FLUSHES, and WATER RUNS. MAX (O.C.) What happened? Jacob falls into his chair and massages his head. JACOB I got drunk. Max returns and places the bin beside Jacob's desk. He sits in his chair and swivels in Jacob's direction. MAX No. I mean why did you sleep here? JACOB Then why didn't you just say that? Max blinks. Say what?
MAX
Jacob presses two fingers against his eyes and grimaces. JACOB About me sleeping here. Why didn't you just say what you mean? Max's eye dart from side to side. MAX I thought I did?
6. JACOB No. You didn't. A long silence. MAX Are you still drunk? Jacob SLAMS his forehead on his desk. He places his hands on the back of his head and GROANS loudly. JACOB Vanessa left me. MAX Oh... Wait, I thought her name was Ashley? Jacob leans back in his chair and gives Max a flat look. MAX (CONT’D) You were cheating on her? Jacob jerks up, wobbles, and places a hand against his head. He looks sick to his stomach, but recovers. JACOB I'm the victim here Max! Max shakes his head. JACOB (CONT’D) Doesn’t matter. I'm basically homeless, my car’s in the impoundMAX Should’ve paid those tickets. Jacob rests his head in his hands. JACOB Thanks, Mom. It gets worse... Max looks puzzled. Jacob hands over the drool soaked paper to Max. Max pinches the paper with two fingers. Max raises an eyebrow. JACOB (CONT’D) It's our lease for the office. Our payment is due. And I spent my last twenty on the booze. Max turns pale.
7. JACOB (CONT’D) I'm guessing you don't have any money either? Max places the soggy paper on his desk. MAX I spent the last of it on the taxi to get here. Jacob raises an eyebrow. JACOB Repoed? I thought they were supposed to get it tomorrow? They were.
MAX
Jacob wipes his face with his hand and takes a breath. JACOB And you just let them? Max spreads his hands. MAX What was I supposed to do? Jacob throws his hands in the air. JACOB Oh, I don't know. How about, hey asshole you're a day early. Get lost! Max fidgets with his tie. JACOB (CONT’D) Did you call their supervisor? Max looks to the floor. MAX No. My phone service expired. Jacob picks up the phone on his desk a DIAL TONE sounds. JACOB This appears to work. Do you have their card?
8. MAX It's in my briefcase. Jacob extends his hand. JACOB Give it to me. Max looks scared. No. Max...
MAX JACOB
Jacob reaches for the briefcase and Max clutches it to his chest. MAX No, Jacob. You'll make it worse! JACOB Psh! No I won't. I'm drunk and angry. It’s okay. Jacob grabs the briefcase by the handle and yanks on it. Max resists and tries to pull it away, but Jacob has a firm grip. They begin a tug of war over the briefcase. MEREDITH STEWART BAXTER, 56, a wealthy woman in a red dress with a long, black cigarette holder enters. She looks unimpressed as the two men fight. MEREDITH Excuse me, gentlemen. JACOB Give me the case! No!
MAX
JACOB Give. Me. The. Case. Meredith SLAMS the door. Max and Jacob stop, frozen in place and stare. MAX & JACOB Welcome to Discreet PI's. How may we be of service?
9. Meredith looks them up and down, then looks around the office with distaste. Max and Jacob snap back to their desks. They smooth out their clothes. Meredith raises an eyebrow. MEREDITH Am I interrupting something important? Max looks at Jacob with an open mouth. Jacob blinks hard. JACOB Role playing for, uh, a case! Meredith looks at Max inquiringly. Max nods with a tentative smile. MEREDITH Ah, I see. Why is it so dark in here? JACOB Electrical problems. Meredith flicks a few light switches and all the lights come on. Jacob struggles from falling over and squints. JACOB (CONT’D) (Through clenched teeth) Ah. They appear to be working now... Meredith walks to Max's desk. She begins to bend down and Max quickly gets up and wheels his chair for her to sit. Jacob struggles to keep his composure. MEREDITH (To Max) I have a problem and am I need of your investigative services. Max seats himself on the edge of his desk and struggles to appear casual. He shifts between folding his hands in front of him and crossing his arms. He squirms to find a comfortable position. MAX That's what we do, Miss... MEREDITH Stewart Baxter. Jacob stifles his LAUGHTER.
10. Max and Meredith stare at him. MEREDITH (CONT’D) I own a very respected business and I believe my husband may be doingthings that may tarnish my image. Such as?
MAX
Meredith struggles to speak. MAX (CONT’D) Mrs. Stewart Baxter, I assure you whatever you say stays in this office. Meredith takes a breath. MEREDITH I have suspicions of my husband’s faithfulness. Jacob GROANS. Meredith shoots him an angry looks. MAX He's ill. How long has this been going on? Meredith shrugs. MEREDITH I'm not certain. But, he's been behaving strangely lately. He's been coming home late, avoiding me, going to church, not returning my calls... Jacob blinks. MAX None of that is normal I take it? Meredith cries and shakes her head. Max motions to Jacob with his head. Jacob stares at him puzzled. Max jerks his head in Meredith's direction. Jacob nods. JACOB I'd offer you a drink Mrs. Baxter, but the bottle is empty. Max SLAPS his forehead, goes around his desk and takes a box of tissues and offers them to Meredith.
Revision
11.
Meredith dabs the corner of her eyes. MAX What's your husband's name? Charles.
MEREDITH
MAX Are you local to Port Chester, Mrs. Stewart Baxter? MEREDITH No. I live in Rochester. Jacobs leans forward and grins. MEREDITH (CONT’D) It's very important that you help me, please. I'll pay $10,000 if you can find out anything. Max and Jacob share a look of surprise. Max looks uneasy. MAX I don't know if we can take thatJacob panics and quickly stands. JACOB We'll take the case! Meredith looks relieved and instantly stops crying. She stands. MEREDITH Perfect. I'll have my assistant get in touch with you with the details. Meredith turns on her heel and exits. Max looks to Jacob with a puzzled look. Jacob is grinning. MAX What just happened? JACOB An answer to our prayers! Jacob falls into his chair and folds his hands behind his head.
*
12. JACOB (CONT’D) Should have this closed by the end of the week. 7
EXT. ROCHESTER - IRONDEQUOIT BAY MARINE PARK - DAY
7
SUPERIMPOSE: 2 WEEKS LATER... Jacob sits on a bench and watches boats in the water. Jacob wears a pressed suit and has a clean shave. His knee bounces and checks his watch. FOOTSTEPS are heard. Max approaches and PANTS. He collapses next to Jacob. Max’s hair is a mess, has visible facial hair, and has wrinkles in his suit. JACOB Took your time. Anything? MAX Nothing. Lunch at the country club alone. 18 holes of golf with some of his buddies. I followed him to the locker room, but nothing came up. JACOB Maybe he’s batting for the other team? Max shakes his head. MAX Anything with the assistant? JACOB Office was locked. I could have used your lock picking expertise. Max SHUSHES Jacob. MAX I only use that for emergencies! JACOB This is an emergency, Max! Two weeks with nothing to show. Meredith isn’t going to let that money go without concrete evidence. A bus SCREECHES and HISSES and stops.
13. MAX Time to go. 8
EXT. SAINT AGATHA’S VIGIL - DAY
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Max and Jacob exit the bus and cross the street to the church. 9
INT. SAINT AGATHA’S VIGIL - DAY
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FATHER BARNEY, 45, criminal mastermind wears a black cassock, glasses and is blading. ALTER SERVER GIRL, 12, in a white robe stands in front of Father Barney and closes a bible then walks to a bench on the far wall. The CONGREGATION listens. Max and Jacob enter and sit in the back. They scan the Congregation. FATHER BARNEY ...and that is the word of the Lord. CONGREGATION Thanks be to God. Father Barney paces. FATHER BARNEY I am aware of the recent activities that are plaguing our streets and our homes, our families, and our friends. If you know someone who is struggling with an addiction please let me know, and we can all work together to help them see God’s light. The Congregation MURMURS. FATHER BARNEY (CONT’D) Confession will be conducted at the end of today’s service. Please talk to Sister Mary Agatha about questions or concerns about substance abuse. Thank you, and go with God. Father Barney makes the sign of the cross and walks to the confessional.
14. The Congregation rises and files out of the church. CONFESSOR MALE 1, 23, wears slacks and dress shirt, CONFESSOR FEMALE 1, 32, wears a dress skirt and blouse, and CHARLES, 58, wears a brown suit, grey hair walk to the confessional in the corner. Jacob nudges Max and tilts his chin. Max nods, gets up and leaves. Jacob blinks and follows Max. 10
EXT. SAINT AGATHA’S VIGIL - DAY
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The last of the Congregation goes one way, Max and Jacob walk opposite. That’s it?
JACOB
MAX For now. He’s guilty of something, though if he’s going to confession. We just have to keep on him. JACOB That seems a little passive, Max. MAX We’re not priests and I don’t think they allow the general public to absolve sins. Lets go back to the office. Jacob GROANS. JACOB The office. They’re gonna kick us out, you know. MAX We still have a week left. We’ll be fine. Jacob looks at the church behind them. NUN#1 and NUN#2 enter a house. JACOB Do they all live in the same house? Max glances behind them. MAX No. Priests and Nuns live separately, for obvious reasons. But, they do usually live close to the church.
15. Jacob rubs the side of his face and thinks. 11
INT. DETECTIVE AGENCY - NIGHT
11
Max paces in front of a bulletin board. Photos have post-its stuck to them with notes. Red strings connects some photos with red circles around them, others have a red “X.” Jacob rocks in his chair and gnaws on his thumbnail. JACOB I know a guy. Uh-huh.
MAX
Jacob swivels in his chair. JACOB He can help us. MAX He’s knows Charles? JACOB No. But, he can get us into the church. Max turns to Jacob. JACOB (CONT’D) What if we pose as priests? Max laughs then stops. MAX You’re serious? JACOB We get in. We get into the confessional, get a confession and boom! Case closed. Plus, we have a roof over our heads! Max waits a moment. MAX I’m going home. Max leaves. Max!
JACOB
16. Jacob TAPS his fingers on the desk then DIALS the phone. The PHONE DIALS and CLICKS. JACOB (CONT’D) Grinder? It’s Jacob. I’m calling in that favor... Jacob... No, the other Jacob... Jacob Ripp. Don’t you dare hang up! 12
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT
12
Max removes his keys. An eviction notice is on his door. He SIGHS. He tries the key, it won’t go in. He tries another key, it won’t go in. He SLAMS his head against the door. 13
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
13
Jacob leans against the wall by the door. Max exits the door and sees Jacob. JACOB Locked out? Max looks embarrassed. MAX No! Just... taking a walk. To think. Jacob holds up an opened letter. JACOB Your mail’s been forwarded. I opened it. Max snatches the letter. MAX You went through my mail! They wait a moment. JACOB It will only be temporary. Ten grand, Max! We’re in, we’re out. Max mulls it over. MAX Only temporary, right? Jacob smiles.
17. JACOB They won’t even remember us. Max waits a moment. Then SIGHS. Fine...
MAX
Jacob CLAPS Max on the back and wraps his arm around him. They walk. JACOB That’s the Max I know! We meet with my guy in the morning, it’s all taken care of. You’ll like him. 14
INT. GRINDER’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
14
GRINDER, 25, thin, scruffy and with long hair pulled back spins in a chair by his desk. He wears a shirt with Nietzsche’s face and shorts. Clothes litter the room and a stack of pizza boxes are on the couch. One is open with half a pizza inside. Grinder holds a Rolex watch in his hand. GRINDER You guys are idiots. MAX (O.C.) Where did you get these? GRINDER You really want to know? Silence. GRINDER (CONT’D) Thought so. Is this real? Grinder rattles the watch. JACOB (O.C.) Of course it is!.. It’s too small! GRINDER That’s what she said. It’s the best I could do, alright? You didn’t exactly give me fair warning. Max and Jacob enter. Each wears black shoes, pants, shirt with clerical collar, and cassock. Jacob’s cassock is small. Max looks uneasy.
18. Grinder SNICKERS. Jacob frowns and squirms out of the cassock. JACOB I’m not wearing this, I look ridiculous. Grinder LAUGHS. MAX This feels wrong. GRINDER It looks wrong. JACOB Alright, you got your laugh. How about everything else? Grinder recovers and TAPS KEYS on the keyboard. GRINDER Alright. I hacked into Saint John Neumann Seminary College and falsified the records. You each have a BA in Philosophy. I made sure you ranked high enough so it wouldn’t be obvious. I even went back as far as high school, just to be safe. Jacob peers over Grinder’s shoulder. JACOB Nice! And our ID’s? Grinder reaches into his pocket and pulls two IDs. Max takes them. MAX Humbert? Really? Grinder glares at Max. GRINDER There a problem?! Max shakes his head. JACOB My name is Raymond Ricardo? Do I look like a Ricardo?
19. Grinder rubs his eyes. GRINDER You’re priests. Not secret agents, alright? Gimme a break, man! Grinder looks Max over. GRINDER (CONT’D) Might want to shave that beard. You look creepy. 15
INT. SAINT AGATHA’S VIGIL - FOYER - DAY
15
Max and Jacob sit on a bench. An OLD WOMAN, 80, kneels in front of a bust of the Virgin Mary. Jacob sits calm. Max has a fresh shave and his knee bounces. JACOB Will you relax? You’re killing me. Sorry.
MAX
REBECCA GRACE, 32, undercover DEA Agent, slender, and pretty wears a Nun’s habit. She walks to Max and Jacob. REBECCA Father Barney will be with you shortly, Fathers. MAX (voice cracks) Thanks. Rebecca blinks. JACOB Thank you, Sister... REBECCA Mary Agatha. Jacob smiles and nods. JACOB Lovely name, for a lovely Saint. Rebecca smiles. Thank you.
REBECCA
20. Rebecca leaves. Jacob leers after her. JACOB You ever just look at a woman and wonder what her vagina looks like? Max and Old Woman slowly turn and glare at Jacob. JACOB (CONT’D) (to Old Woman) Oh, I wasn’t talking about you. Old Woman stares at Jacob, makes the sign of the cross and leaves. Max hits Jacob. MAX Have you lost your mind? You’re a priest for Christ’s sake! Jacob waves a finger. JACOB Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name in vein, Father Humbert. FOOTSTEPS approach. Father Barney walks to Max and Jacob. FATHER BARNEY Afternoon, brothers. Sister Agatha told me you wanted to see me. Max and Jacob stand. Max extends his hand. MAX Hello, Father. I’m and this is Father wondering if there room in the parish
Father Humbert Raymond. We were might be any for us?
JACOB We’ve noticed it’s just you and thought we might offer a hand. Father Barney mulls it over. He smiles, nods, then CLASPS his hands. FATHER BARNEY I think we can arrange something. Walk with me, brothers.