Comedy

RODENT NEWS INC. FIERCELY INDEPENDENT JOURNALISTS, BOUGHT OUT BY NEWS CONGLOMERATE, STILL CONTROLLED BY RATS ON OUR HEADS.

HECS-HELP access to be removed for the "horny fucks" on USyd Love Letters

Matthew Forbes, Premarital HECS-Editor The Morrison Government has announced plans to bar access to fee support for anyone submitting posts to the “USyd Love Letters Revived” Facebook page. In a media release, Education Minister Dan Tehan called the Government’s action “essential in the fight against student horniness.” “With many starting to filter back onto campus, we want to encourage students to continue limiting their social interactions and keep up the studying, regardless of how hot the guy who sits in the back-left corner of your International Business Strategy tutorial.” Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence has praised the idea, reminding students of the classic phrase: “If you’re thinking about suckin’ and fuckin’, good grades are what you’ll be duckin’.” USyd Love Letters admin Crodly McThestitude has expressed his relief at not having to “indulge any more thirsty first-years looking for an exceedingly average partner for their ‘friend’.” Many have questioned how it will be possible to identify these lovelorn losers, as submissions to the page are done anonymously through a Google Form. “It’s actually quite simple,” a representative from the University told us over the phone. “Thanks to the disturbingly easy-to-hack ProctorU, we’ll be able to locate -” The representative was then cut off by what sounded like a spanner to the cranium. Additionally, staff at the University have been told to observe their students carefully to catch signs of a potential Love Letter-poster: any prolonged stares, longing glances, lip-biting, whispers amongst friends while pointing to a particularly attractive individual, or flirtatious conversations with palpable chemistry that may occur during classes. Tehan has promised that those who have lost access to HECS-HELP for posting to the page will have the chance to earn back said fee support should they provide irrefutable proof of their religious celibacy.

Kamala Harris connects with youth voters by restyling prisons as TikTok content houses

Shania O'Brien and Chuyi Wang, Zoomer Culture Correspondents In an exclusive interview with an American inmate, Top 40 hits like 100 gecs’ Money Machine and Doja The Rodent received word of prison remodelling Cat’s Say So. under the Biden-Harris administration. Alcatraz Island is in the process of being renamed

In an attempt to connect with younger voters, who ‘Hype Island’ and will soon be open to conducting were unable to understand any of Biden’s speeches on brand deals and collaborations with other Los Angeles the campaign trail, VP candidate Kamala Harris has TikTok mansions. Prisoners will also be able to opt-in committed to streamlining and integrating her two to help influencers edit clean TikTok transitions in favourite pastimes: fun TikTok dances and upholding exchange for a shorter sentence. an oppressive carceral state which punishes minorities. We encountered another inmate on our way out, a

“Kamala came to visit us the other day,” Juan, 12, young man named Hasan who was set to be deported told one of our reporters. “My cell is getting fitted for the following week. He said: “This would make a great three halo lights — and one of them even hides the POV TikTok. I’m an immigrant and you’re a vengeful discolouration from all the times I’ve been beaten up!” Attorney-General looking to clean up the streets.”

Prison exercise equipment is also getting an update. The Rodent also encountered other inmates on our Instead of chin-up bars and a running track, inmates visit, but our reporters could not, for the life of them, will now have well-lit areas in which to group dance to figure out what ‘oomf’ or ‘stancharlie’ meant.

Warren secretly pleads for mercy killing amidst excrutiating DNC convention

In this issue:

'People who fail subjects shouldn’t be financially supported', writes compassionate young Christian / p. 3 Virtual Welcome Fest ‘a huge success’, says friend of Board Director / p. 2 Joe Biden comes out as nonBidenary / p. 1 Film bro won’t let COVID infection stop him from seeing new Christopher Nolan movie / p. 0 INVESTIGATION: Can’t we just run to edit again? / p. -1

Are you hot enough to become a female alt-right personality, or should you finish your degree?

Ever thought "fuck this I'll be a stripper"? Tried pole dancing and realised it's actually love. Never fear, there's always the path of becoming a hot, racist, hot alt-right provocateur. But do you have what it takes?

1. Are you racist?

a. Of course not! b. Of course not! I just believe in a white ethno-state. c. Of course not! But getting a job in media is pretty hard...

2. Are you hot?

a. Yes! I model part-time. b. My mum says so. c. I'm hot but in a "I don't know it" kind of way.

Results

A, B, C: You took the quiz so the answer to question 1 is obvious, you racist. But you're reading Honi so don't quit your degree, or your day job, fuggo.