The Gig Guide letters only

Cara Donna Adelina, Bongiorno! Quita frankaly, we don’ta knowa whata you are talkinga abouta!

We are hundo percento prima italiano, justa lika Nonna Francesca back ina Campania. Where I coma from, ona da bigga deep bowelsa ofa Mounta Vesuviusa, we only ever saya “arancino”... you disrespecta where I coma from. Bo! Nowa ifa you excusa me, I gotta go sit alona in da Italiano Forumo, and bringa backa da fuckin arches.

Con tutto il mio amore, Flavio Fettucine.

Sound is political — it is living, breathing and disturbing all at once. There’s music in silence and revolutions brewing in everyday sounds we encounter. Come traverse over lands with us listening to revolutionary music from different struggles around the world. I hope you enjoy listening to this playlist as much as I enjoyed making it!

Wednesday 05 April

The Kings // The Vanguard, Newtown // 7.00pm

Thursday 06 April

Dancefloor Demolition // Oxford Art Factory, Darlinghurst // 9.00pm

Steve ‘n’ Seagulls // Factory Theatre, Enmore // 7.00pm

Udo Dirkschneider // Manning Bar, Camperdown // 7.30pm

Saturday 08 April

Swim + Special Guests // Oxford Art Factory, Darlinghurst // 9.00pm

Guy J // Factory Theatre, Enmore // 8.00pm

EXEK // The Lansdowne, Chippendale // 7.30pm

Sunday 09 April

Loose Ends Easter Sunday Party // Oxford Art Factory, Darlinghurst // 10.00pm

Counting Crows // Enmore Theatre, Enmore // 7.00pm

Monday 10 April

Keb’ Mo’ // Factory Theatre, Enmore // 7.00pm

Marcus King // Enmore Theatre, Enmore // 8.00pm

Tuesday 11 April

Counting Crows // Enmore Theatre, Enmore // 7.00pm

Sounds of pleasure and yearning are rather hot, a soft moan here and a harder groan there. Enjoy what the season has for you — immense passion and sloppy secrets.

Aries: Days are getting colder and your heated blanket is calling for you to curl up. Put your 2015 basic Tumblr ass to the game, sip that pumpkin spice concoction by yourself, and use the wonder of your hands down there!

Taurus: Like Taylor Swift, karma will be your boyfriend too. It will come back and hug you so hard that all your previous issues will be done, it will buy you some caviar and a glass of buttery champagne. There will be some soft bondage and rough fucking after the delicious meeting, you will keep eating each other out.

Gemini: Cheeky flirting in the class is fun, a little holding of hands under benches, and touching their hand to compliment their new shirt. The Quad is smiling at you, knowing that your burning love will brew a hot and heavy bedroom session.

Cancer: Light spanking with consent? Deeeep moaning. You will find yourself waking up cotton-mouthed in that hottie’s bed on random days and there will be surprise morning sex! Amp yourself up.

Leo: I bet you have a roaring sex playlist! Ramped up against the edge of your balcony with them doing you from behind is much better with loud jazz beats in the background.

Virgo: Print is back baby, pick up that copy of the Cosmopolitan and cackle looking at their tips for great blowjobs. Probably unrealistic for the bedroom but sometimes the best sex action comes from laughing at the state of mainstream sexual expectation

Libra: You might find your ex in the butt plug section of the sex shop and indulge in some toxic fucking. Good for your mental health? No. Pussy happy? For some time, maybe.

Scorpio: Making out in the car is so uncomfortable but the adventure is worth it. People giving you gnarly side looks, panties stuck between the sheets or the door accidentally left open? All part of the quick fun!

Sagittarius: Try out some musk and jasmine scents when in the bedroom, you might love the stale pizza smell in the room but your partner doesn’t!

Capricorn: You will go out on more solo dates and nibble on croissants for three hours reading dirty manga. It is so hot because of your main character energy, can’t take my eyes off you.

Aquarius: Come on, wank a little bit and get off the grid. Pleasure yourself in the scheme of big, tiring things. Get that pussy weeetttt!

Pisces: Baby, you are such a water lover. Get into that jacuzzi with your partner and soak in the wonders of warm water with them inside you. your neighbour?

Your season all along.