Having the Conversation:

WHEN DAD DISAGREES ON MOM’S CARE

Mom and Dad have been together for decades, filled with the memories of good times and bad. Both are getting older, but they may not experience the same impacts of aging at the same rate.

Dad, perhaps, is generally fit as a fiddle while Mom may be experiencing physical or cognitive challenges, or both. As dad or the adult children assume the role of the primary decision maker, how do you handle conflicts over care decisions?

ASSESS THE SITUATION

If Dad is providing care for Mom, or vice versa, it’s vital to assess his ability to meet her needs without neglecting his own. Is he missing doctor’s appointments because she can’t stay alone? Is he providing physical care that could cause a fall? If she were to fall, could he get her up on his own?

Asking questions like these can help you determine the level of risk and help you decide whether to take the further steps in getting support for your parents.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR LOVED ONE’S PERSPECTIVE

Before stepping in or implementing formal care options, listen to your dad’s perspective. Consider why he feels the way he does. Older adults are frequently reluctant to accept help. Many emotions are involved. Dad may feel that it’s his job to care for your mom— on his own. He may feel that it’s weak to ask for or accept help, and he may be grieving the loss of his wife as he once knew her.

Advance aging can bring the feeling of losing control, and while Mom may be the one in need of care, Dad may also feel this loss. He may struggle with releasing more of that control to his adult children.

Here are a few suggestions for making hard conversations easier:

• Start small. Change is hard for most of us! Rather than making many changes all at once, think about where your loved ones are struggling the most and start there.

• Pick your battles. Consider what behaviors really need to be corrected. Prioritize safety issues such as medication mistakes, driving and lack of eating. It’s crucial to maintain trust between you and your parents. Don’t burn a bridge over a minor difference of opinion.

• Spend quality time. In caregiving, it’s easy to get caught up in day-to-day tasks and forget to spend quality time with your loved ones. You may even feel you don’t have time to enjoy your parents’ company. Think about the favorite activities you used to enjoy together and schedule them into your visits.

Try not to bring up the need for help. Enjoying each other’s company breaks up the times when you need to have difficult conversations. It also eases the feeling that you’re interfering and shows them that you value them as individuals.

• Call it an “emergency plan.” Sometimes, care options are easier to mull over if they feel far off in the distance. Talk to Dad about what his emergency plan would look like if something were to happen to him and he couldn’t provide the great care he’s providing. More to Say

For more suggestions and what to do

if having a conversation isn’t working,

visit srgtexas.com.