On Love and Loss

Deval (Reshma) PaRanjPe, mD, mBa, FaCs

Ihold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.

—In Memoriam A.H.H. Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Tennyson wrote these immortal lines in grief at the sudden and unexpected loss of his best friend, Arthur Henry Hallam, who was only 22 years old. This stanza is part of a poem beloved by Queen Victoria and published in 1849; it took 17 years to write and spans 133 cantos dedicated to the years long grieving process of those who loved young Arthur.

Last month, the unexpected and sudden loss of a very dear and best friend shattered me and all who knew and loved him—an incredibly large number of people. Losing a true friend is devastating at any stage of life. Every day brings questions and regrets, memories which are equal parts comfort and heartache. Losing a friend in midlife is especially hard because you have both such a deep and storied history together, and so many plans for your future in friendship. You treasure the thought of knowing each other when you’re 70 and 80, of sharing advice and gripes and memories, of comparing retirement plans. All of us who knew and loved him feel robbed of his love for life, his humor, his booming cheerful voice, and the force of nature that he was in life. He was the personification of love, with a generous heart and a kind word for absolutely everyone. How can that love be erased from the world with such finality, so suddenly?

Another friend, ten years older, consoled me but warned me at the same time: it only gets worse from here. With every passing year, he noticed more losses of classmates, friends, and colleagues in his own peer group. Friends in their 70s and 80s tell me of the horrible feeling of losing their classmates steadily and wondering: am I next, and when? We feel like fish in a barrel, waiting our turn, and do everything we can to feel alive and avoid that feeling.

This is the time when we all start wondering what comes after this life. Depending on your religious and/ or spiritual beliefs, there may be an afterlife, or not. There may be a heaven and hell and purgatory, or not. There may be reincarnation, or not. There may be ghosts and guardian angels, or not.

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In my insomniac internet wanderings, I found a series of books on Amazon Kindle which have unexpectedly brought me comfort. The books are by Brian Weiss MD, Chairman Emeritus of Psychiatry at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in Miami. In 1988, he first published his experience with treating his own patients with past life regression and hypnotherapy in additional to traditional psychotherapy in his book Many Lives, Many Masters. He writes about soulmates and groups of souls who find each other again in many different lives through the ages, and the lessons they learn in lives both peaceful and problematic. Remembering traumas experienced in past lives appears to cure both anxieties and somatic problems in his patients’ current lives. Knowing that you have known your loved ones in previous lives while learning soul lessons makes the present life more bearable in the face of loss as future lives will hold a reunion at some point. Whatever you may think of reincarnation, the concept reinforced endlessly in Weiss’s books is that we are called upon to love one another, and that love is the most important thing in the universe, trumping every other human emotion and desire and every material possession. Love never dies but endures in lives across centuries and millennia. And that people will surely see their loved ones again in another lifetime in some form of close relationship.

The thought that our loved ones are safe and happy and at peace is comforting, as is the thought that we will all see each other again despite transiently losing each other on earth. In fact, Weiss contends that this knowledge gives us space to love each other without fear.

Love is everything, while life is fleeting. Love each other without hesitation in the present, and make sure your loved ones know you love them at every available opportunity. While love endures, it’s always good to be reminded in the current life while the gift of time is with us.