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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 1
TAKE ONE HOME
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334-588-2211 101 South Third Street Hartford, Al TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 2
WRITTEN LIFETIME WARRANTY ON ALL ALUMINUM PRODUCTS
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Making Dreams Come True In The Wiregrass for over 10 Years! rlavender320@charter.net Misfortune or Disaster Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster. “There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune __ but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune.
What did the spider email to the fly? Visit my Web site!
What’s Making Me FAT! I finally figured out why I am getting fat! I should have figured it out sooner. It's the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY." I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap. On its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE." Problem Solved!
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Female Hormones Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
Wise men talk because they have something to say, Fools talk because they have to say something.
CALL 334-379-7603
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Street Talk America
"Men's Thesaurus" "IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?"
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
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Laughs Laughs&&Lifts
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday." "OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
Issue # 1 June 2011
334-379-7603
LaughsAnd LaughsAndLifts Lifts@live.com @live.com
Laughs&Lifts is an outreach ministry to inspire, inform and entertain the reader. Any resemblance contained within this publication to some one or some thing is purely coincidental and not intended to bring harm or insult to anyone. Information, stories, helpful hints, jokes, studies and all other miscellaneous writings, drawings, and pictures are published without malice, but with the intent to inspire and entertain, not to cause disillusionment or confusion to anyone; person, party affiliation, company, denomination or other named or unnamed entity. The writings contained within Laughs&Lifts do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the publisher. Parrish Publishing
P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al 36361 334-379-7603
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laughsandlifts@live.com
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
S&K AUTOMOTIVE
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 4
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Glasses My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?" He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library." His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?" With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have "supervision", and I wear glasses!"
203 Bypass Elba, Al 334-897-0482 JODY & CHASITY COOPER - OWNERS
I Want A Raise Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 5
DO YOU HAVE A DISABILITY? ARE YOU DISABLED? Have you considered applying for Your Social Security? Are you confused about the process or have you already
Been Denied YOUR Benefits? WE CAN HELP! Faithworkz’ Disability Consultant Representing Clients in Disability Claims FOR MORE THAN 30 YEARS!! 406 Ben St, Suite 100 (Near the Ft. Rucker Gate) Ozark, Alabama 36360 Call Or E-Mail Us For A
334-443-3000 FaithWorkzDisabilityConsultant@gmail.com How it got started… Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, ....."And what's that supposed to mean?"
THIS IS THE ONLY TIME WE WILL LIVE AND SEE THIS EVENT!
Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.
Secure The Building One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"
THIS YEAR, JULY HAS 5 FRIDAYS, 5 SATURDAYS AND 5 SUNDAYS. THIS HAPPENS ONCE EVERY 823 YEARS
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 6
Having four visiting family members, my wife was very busy, so I offered to go to the store for her to get some needed items, which included light bulbs, paper towels, trash bags, detergent and Clorox. So off I went. I scurried around the store, gathered up my goodies and headed for the checkout counter, only to be blocked in the narrow aisle by a young man who appeared to be about sixteen-years-old. I wasn't in a hurry, so I patiently waited for the boy to realize that I was there. This was when he waved his hands excitedly in the air and declared in a loud voice, "Mommy, I'm over here." It was obvious now, he was mentally challenged and also startled as he turned and saw me standing so close to him, waiting to squeeze by. His eyes widened and surprise exploded on his face as I said, "Hey Buddy, what's your name?" "My name is Denny and I'm shopping with my mother," he responded proudly. "Wow," I said, "that's a cool name! I wish my name was Denny, but my name is Steve." "Steve, like Stevarino?" he asked. “Yes," I answered. "How old are you Denny?" "How old am I now, Mommy?" he asked his mother as she slowly came over from the next aisle. "You're fifteen-years-old Denny. Now be a good boy and let the man pass by." I acknowledged her and continued to talk to Denny for several more minutes about summer, bicycles and school. I watched his brown eyes dance with excitement, because he was the center of someone's attention. He then abruptly turned and headed toward the toy section. Denny's mom had a puzzled look on her face and thanked me for taking the time to talk with her son. She told me that most people wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him. I told her that it was my pleasure and then I said something. I have no idea where it came from, other than by the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I told her that there are plenty of red, yellow, and pink roses in God's Garden; however, "Blue Roses" are very rare and should be appreciated for their beauty and distinctiveness. You see, Denny is a Blue Rose and if someone doesn't stop and smell that rose with their heart and touch that rose with their kindness, then they've missed a blessing from God. She was silent for a second, then with a tear in her eye she asked, "Who are you?" Without thinking I said, "Oh, I'm probably just a dandelion, but I sure love living in God's garden." She reached out, squeezed my hand and said, "God bless you!" and then I had tears in my eyes. May I suggest, the next time you see a BLUE ROSE, don't turn your head and walk off. Take the time to smile and say Hello. Why? Because, by the grace of GOD, this mother or father could be you. This could be your child, grandchild, niece or nephew. What a difference a moment can mean to that person or their family. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. People will forget what you said, People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel!
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 7
Rates based on 8.5 x 11 Printed 1 side 100 lb gloss Print ready files. 2 sides Printed $169 *Sales Tax & Shipping Extra. Custom Design Options Available!
The Blonde At A Restaurant. A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead are sitting at a restaurant and the waiter tells them there is a magic mirror in the rest room. If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead stands in front of the mirror. "I think that I am the most beautiful person in this restaurant." And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car. Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think I’m the smartest person in this restaurant." And she gets a million dollars. Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror," I think..." POOF! She disappears.
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 8
Never Retire? Don’t Count on It
123 South Court Square
Ozark, Alabama
334-774-8436 OLD THINGS, NEW THINGS & EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.
Ÿ Fenton Glass
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If there is anyone who shouldn’t have to worry about retirement, one might assume it would be the wealthy. But in a recent survey, just 40% of wealthy individuals “completely agree” that they are “totally confident” they will have enough money for retirement.1 And the rest? Apparently, most of them have decided they aren’t going to worry about it: 60% said they will shun traditional retirement and work as long as possible. The percentage rises to 70% among those ages 45 and younger.2 Since 1991, the median retirement age has remained at or near 62.4 The percentage of workers who expect to retire after age 65 has tripled over the past two decades — from 11% in 1991 to 33% in 2010.5 But the ages at which most people retire haven’t changed as dramatically. In 1991, 79% of retirees left the workforce before age 65; in 2010, it was 61%.6 Many people are forced to retire early. In 2010, 41% of retirees stopped working earlier than they expected to. This is not unusual. Since 2000, the percentage of people that retired earlier than planned in a given year has varied between 36% and 51%. Certainly, some people (24%) retire early because they can afford to, but just 5% gave only positive reasons for doing so. The most common reasons for retiring ahead of schedule were poor health (54%), workrelated reasons including downsizing and closure (37%), and the need to care for a spouse or family member (19%).7 Working in retirement is not as common as you might think. In 2010, 70% of workers were expecting to work for pay in retirement. Despite this high level of determination, only 23% of retirees were actually working.8 Believing that you will work forever or retire late in life could lull you into a false sense of security. You
MONDAY - THURSDAY 10 AM - 6 PM SATURDAY 10 AM - 2 PM CLOSED ON FRIDAY AND SUNDAY ALL CREDIT CARDS WELCOME
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
may be tempted to save less and spend more today because there is no urgent need to prepare for tomorrow. But if something unfortunate happens — or you change your mind when you get older — you could find yourself retired anyway, possibly with less money than you need. There’s nothing wrong with ignoring tradition and choosing a life path that keeps you always engaged and challenged. But recognizing that you may not always be able to work and earn an income might help you make decisions that keep more of your options open. Contact The Retirement Team at Southern Financial Group today for a free Retirement Audit. 334-699-4036
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 9
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1–2) Financial Planning, September 27, 2010 3) The New York Times, October 11, 2010 4–8) Employee Benefit Research Institute, 2010. Southern Financial Group is an independent firm with securities offered through Summit Brokerage Services, Inc., Member FINRA, SIPC. Advisory services offered through Summit Financial Group, Inc., a Registered Investment Advisor.
The Hartford Retirement Village "Independent Living In A Caring Enviroment"
Licensed by Alabama Dept. Of Public Health
LIVING WILL A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will” "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
Services & Features ~Daily Chapel ~3 Delicious Home-cooked meals per day with snacks ~24 hour well trained staff ~In house beauty & barber shops ~Daily activities & social events
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12196 E. Hwy. 52 Hartford, Alabama TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS
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PAGE 10
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Think what you will say, but do not say all what you think. Cabinets Designed For Living Imagine our beautiful and functional custom designed cabinets in your home. You’ll love the style and affordability.
FREE In Home Estimates Southern Installations Cabinet Shop Dan Barefield Cell 334-726-3459 Office 334-774-9579
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 10
Gardening Tips From Sharon Hello, Let me introduce myself. I love to garden and enjoy the out of doors and I’d like to share some tips with you to help your yard be the envy of the neighborhood. You can still add color and excitement to your yard by sowing Sunflowers, Zina and Marigolds from seed. Be sure to keep the moisture levels up in the soil with regular water and consistent watering. Mulching helps too. Be sure to water roses deeply; really soak the ROOTS but not often. Harvest your vegetables daily to keep the plants producing. The whole object of the plant is to produce seeds and then they die. If you break the cycle with daily picking you make the plant keep trying and get more produce.. The same procedure works with flowers. After the plant blooms, be sure to snip the whole flower off the plant. To make you yard mowing easier try reducing those hard to reach area with borders and flowers beds. Sumer heat may prevent you from enjoying your garden but don’t let it keep you from planting a water garden. It’s a whole new experience. Happy Gardening, Sharon,
Daleville Garden Center
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PAGE 11
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 11
There comes a point in your life when you realize: Who matters, Who never did, Who won't anymore... And who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. "One Carton and Six Eggs" This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males: A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." WHY TEACHERS GO BALD.
Where was the Declaration Of Independence signed?
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PAGE 12
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
COUNSELING PLUS “Your Source of Comprehensive Counseling Care With a Christian Option”
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Issue # 1 June 2011 My Son
PAGE 12
This is great. Take a moment to read it; it will make your day! The ending will surprise you. A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.. When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing other soldiers. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.. He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly... He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.' The father Opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.' The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected. The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?' There was silence... Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.' CONTINUED ON PAGE 20
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PAGE 13 Street Talk America The Midterm Exam The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they realized how much material they had covered and were expected to recall. The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said,' thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years. I Got Your Goat! Who says today's kids aren't smart? At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
"Kids and Cliches" A fourth grade teacher, as a fun assignment gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some of those.
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
Walk-Thru Indoor Exhibit Live, Learn, and Love A Farm Animal
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- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on. - A rolling stone plays the guitar. - The grass is always greener when you remember to water it. - A bird in the hand is a real mess. - No news is no newspaper. - It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity. - It's always darkest just before I open my eyes. - You have nothing to fear but homework.
PAGE 13
KEEP IT LOCKED
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PAGE 14
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 14
Aunt T’s Kitchen Mom’s Custard Pie
Cool Lime Pie
Ingredients 1 unbaked pastry shell (9 inches) 4 eggs 1/2 cup sugar 1/4 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 2-1/2 cups milk 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg Directions · Line unpricked pastry shell with a double thickness of heavy-duty foil. Bake at 450° for 8 minutes. Remove foil; bake 5 minutes longer. Remove from the oven and set aside. · Separate one egg; set the white aside. In a bowl, beat the yolk and remaining eggs just until combined. Blend in the sugar, salt and vanilla. Stir in milk. Beat reserved egg white until stiff peaks form; fold into egg mixture. · Carefully pour into crust. Cover edges of pie with foil. Bake at 350° for 25 minutes. Remove foil; bake 15-20 minutes longer or until a knife inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack. Sprinkle with nutmeg. Store in the refrigerator.
Logan's Cleaners Alterations
774-8012 618 South Union Ave. Ozark, AL.
Ingredients · 8 ounces) cream cheese, softened · 1 can (14 ounces) sweetened condensed milk · 6 ounces limeade concentrate · 4 drops green food coloring, optional · 1 carton (8 ounces) frozen whipped topping, thawed, divided · 1 graham cracker crust (9 inches) · 1 kiwifruit, peeled and sliced Mandarin oranges and chopped pistachios, optional Directions · In a large bowl, beat cream cheese and milk until smooth. Beat in limeade and food coloring if desired. Fold in half of the whipped topping. Pour into crust. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours. Garnish with kiwi, remaining whipped topping, oranges and pistachios if desired. Yield: 6-8 servings.
Second Time Around Get the look for less
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PAGE 15
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Strawberry Banana Pie
Frozen Hawaiian Pie
Ingredients
Filling 8 ounces cream cheese 3/4 cup confectioners sugar 2 cups chopped walnuts 2 medium bananas, sliced 1 quart strawberries, sliced 8 ounces Whipped Topping DIRECTIONS Crust: Mix crumbs, sugar, and butter together And press into 2 deep-dish, 9 inch pie pans. Bake at 325 degrees for 10 minutes. Filling: Use beater and mix cream cheese and Confectioners sugar together. Divide between the 2 crusts evenly and spread along bottom. Sprinkle on top of the cream cheese a layer of chopped walnuts. Next layer sliced bananas and then a layer of sliced strawberries. Divide Whipped Topping and spread evenly over the pies. Top with another layer of walnuts.
PAGE 15
Aunt T’s Kitchen
Summer Pies Crust 2-1/2 cups graham cracker crumbs 1/2 cup sugar 1-1/2 sticks butter, melted
Issue # 1 June 2011
Ingredients 1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk 1 carton (12 oz) frozen Cool Whip, thawed 1 can (20 oz) crushed pineapple, drained 2/3 cup chopped walnuts or pecans 2/3 cup chopped maraschino cherries 1/2 cup flaked coconut 2 tablespoons lemon juice 2 graham cracker crusts (9 inches) Fresh mint and additional walnuts & cherries
· · · · · · · · ·
Directions In a large bowl, combine milk and whipped topping. Fold in the pineapple, nuts, cherries, lemon juice and coconut. Pour half into each crust. Freeze until firm, about 4 hours. Remove from the freezer 20 minutes before serving. Garnish with mint, additional nuts & cherries. Yied: 2 pies (6-8 servings each).
·
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Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
You want to know about my employment history??
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 16
In An Instant!
Many years ago, an older gentleman from Europe, was visiting his son in America for the very first time. He said he wanted to go with his son to the supermarket, so his son invited him along. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, As he went up & down the aisles with his son, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the at the local Food Store, he constantly asked his ax. son questions about products he saw. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" he suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job. asked (pointing at Tang). Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that His son said, "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little was too exhausting. water, and you have fresh orange juice." I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I A few minutes later, in a different aisle, his sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. dad blurted out, "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?" My best job was being a musician, but (pointing at a box of Carnation). eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. The son said, "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I water, and you have fresh milk!" didn't have any patience. A few minutes later, in a different aisle, the I became a professional fisherman, but dad yelled out, "Und give a look here!! Baby discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. Powder!! Vat a country, vat a country!"
Well... My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!
Success "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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PAGE 17
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 17
LOCAL FINANCE & TAX SERVICE GOOD CREDIT, PROFESSIONAL PREPARATION The Cash You Need is ELECTRONIC FILING, NO ADVANCE FEES NO OUT OF POCKET CASH SLOW CREDIT, Only a LOCAL Call Away! 828 Andrews Ave. Suite A Ozark, Al NO CREDIT Come by & see me today! 334-445-2411 "Car Accident Honesty"
Walking In The Light Wallave Kennedy, Jr.
When I was a child, we loved to play out-side, not like today when most children are in-side playing some sort of computerize game. One of the favorite times of the year was when day-light saving time came and we moved the clock forward that one hour in the spring time. This time of year it would get dark around or about 8 o’clock in the evening, allowing more time to play. The light exposes all things around you and darkness cannot exist. There always seem be great joy, peace, fun and activities when we are “walking in the light.” As Christians we all want to reach a point when we see more light than darkness in each day, when the darkness of discouragement gives way to the light of joy and hope as the Son (Jesus) rises anew in our life. The light that Christ provides exposes obstacles that can cause us to stumble and fall. Until that light appears, removing the darkness from our eyes, and illuminating things that we were once never able to see. John 1:5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. We can use the darkness as a time to meditate and reflect on the unchanging character and nature of God. While darkness may affect how we see Him, darkness does not change Him.
A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit. The note read: "Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."
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PAGE 18
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
QUALITY PLUS
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 18
SUDOKU
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Solution Page 20 HOW BIG IS GOD? A little girl, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."
AT
The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?" "Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?" Again the mother replied, "Yes." "Well," said the girl. "if God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?" I like that little girl's way of putting it. If God lives in us, then there's no way of keeping Him from "showing through." That's the essence of Christian living - living in such a way that people around will see God in our lives. "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:16). Is God showing through in YOUR life? TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS
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PAGE 19
Street Talk America
Plumber's Sign Seen on a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip." One Liner "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." Mark Twain XXOO During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly longwinded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number. Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
PAGE 19
DALEVILLE
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Lunch Served Sun-Fri 11-2 Eat In, Take Out, Or Local Delivery
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Clean Quote
Issue # 1 June 2011
Gardening Tools & Products
Mon-Wed Thur-Fri 10-6 Saturday 9 -5
“Find The Honey Bees”
We have hidden four Honey Bees in ads throughout this edition of Laughs Laughs& &Lifts. For a chance to Win Up To $100 in Prizes Find all 4 Honey Bees (Front & Back Covers Don’t Qualify) & FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS. Submit the name of the 4 business’ where you found the 4 Honey Bees , along with Your Name, Phone # and Address, to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361 Or email same to LaughsandLifts@live.com with the subject line “Honey Bees”. NO PHONE CALLS Drawing on June 20th The winner will be notified by phone or email.
To Advertise In In Covington or Coffee County
OLD STORY I heard this story in the late seventies. Just prior to a manned launch an insect was heard in the superstructure of the rocket. The risk analysis and decision had to be made to launch or to delay the launch and purge the insect. The risk was negligible so the rocket launch. The insect was dubbed the Gemini Cricket
Call Teresa 334-488-5929
To Advertise In In Dale, Coffee or other Counties Call Roger 334-379-7603
TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS
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PAGE 20
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
OZARK
Tire & Service
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 20
Continued From Page 12 But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?' Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts.
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Get on with the Real bids!' But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?' Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting...' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. 'We have $10, who will bid $20?' 'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'
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The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel.. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!' A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'
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The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.' 'What about the paintings?' 'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will... I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!' God gave His son over 2,000 years ago to die on the Cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: ' The Son, the Son, who'll take the Son?' Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything!
. LaughsAnd Laughs AndLifts Lifts@live.com @live.com TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS
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PAGE 21
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 21
Noah’s Ark Daycare & Learning Center With a Positive Christian Atmosphere and Long-Time Staff, we proudly prepare your little ones for Kindergarten. ! We also have great Pre-K3 and Pre-K4 curriculums.
774-4447 Part-time & Full-time Available
Senior Personal Ads Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: (Who sez seniors don't have a sense of humor?) FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious bluehaired beauty, 80's, 5'4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
3. Salmon & trout genus CLUES ACROSS 4. Rest on your knees 1. Face covering disguise 5. Salt & pepper utensils 5. An equal exchange 6. Inflicts an injury 9. Taxi driver 7. About aviation 14. M____: 1998 Disney movie 8. Established practice 15. One who manually 9. For use of the train crew cultivates 10. Fleshy seed cover 16. Island off Venezuela 11. A main mass or amount 17. World's longest river 12. Where wine ferments 18. Light around a saint's head (abbr.) 19. Male goat 13. Exclamation of approval 21. Not all 20. 11th President 22. Pesetas (abbr.) 23. Flew alone 27. Draft horse curved collar 24. O.J. Simpson judge piece 25. Married woman 28. Hollies 26. Thinly sliced raw fish 29. A list of restaurant dishes 31. Hanging window cloths 30. 15th day of March 35. Closed hermetically 31. One who colors cloth 36. Agile, lively (nautical) 32. Uncommon 37. Moonfish genus 33. Araxes 38. Removed by rubbing 34. Uruguayan monetary unit 41. Rete 39. Not an egalitarian 40. Art __, 1925: 40 style 43. Common shoe repair 41. Be earlier in time 45. Last weekday (abbr.) 42. Former Italian currency 46. Devoid of warmth and 44. A hereditary ruler cordiality 45. Attach firmly 47. Eagle nests 48. S. Am. Indians 51. _________ up, irk 49. A formal proclamation 55. Hispaniola country 50. Southeast Asia Treaty Org. 57. S____ Monica or Barbara 51. Simple rural vacation 58. Italian aloha retreat (Fr.) 59. Countertenors 52. British School 60. Remain as is 53. B____ box: contains 26 Across 61. Performs in a play 54. Civil rights leader Parks 62. Drained of energy 55. Owns 63. A shade of color 56. High Swiss mountain 64. Covered Greek colonnade CLUES DOWN 1. Tough Asiatic grass 2. Fake name
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SOLUTION PAGE 23
PAGE 22
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Laughs& Laughs &Lifts Subscription Great for Soldiers, Prisoners, Your Out of Area Friends, Or Yourself.
NOW ONLY $30.00 per year (12 issues) $40.00 for 2 years (24 issues) Send name, address & check to: Parrish Publishing P.O. Box 681 Ozark, Al. 36361
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 22
Congratulations to Wilson Dyess of Elba for winning the “Find The Bird Houses” Contest in our May edition. Wilson won Free admission for two to Pat’s Secret Garden in Ozark, A Free oil change from Weeks Tire Co. in Elba, a $15 Gift Certificate for food or drink from Just Folks Coffee House in Elba and Free admission for 2 adults and 2 children worth $28 to McClelland Zoo Critters in Banks. I thank all the many individuals and families who entered this month. We thank God for our readers and give Him all the credit. We also thank the faithful advertisers. If it wasn’t for the advertisers, this magazine would not be possible, so say a prayer for them. They are hard working small town business owners; many of them are your friends and neighbors. Be sure to tell them that you appreciate them advertising. Roger
1519 Andrews Ave. Ozark, Alabama
ACCEPTING AND WELCOME NEW PATIENTS YOUR HEALTHCARE NEEDS PROVIDED BY:
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PAGE 23
Street Talk America LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family! Issue # 1 June 2011 PAGE 23 ALBERT AND COSTELLO COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the You have to be old enough to remember Abbott blue 'W'. and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you computers, to fully appreciate this. don't start with some straight answers. What If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have can track my money with? turned out something like this: ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT: Money. ABBOTT COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. you? COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my ABBOTT: Money. den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Mac? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my ABBOTT: Your computer? computer? How much? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy ABBOTT: One copy. one. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Mac? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. Money. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? money? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I (A few days later) look at the windows? ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help ABBOTT: Wallpaper. you? COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..... ......... COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. TO ADVERTISE YOUR BUSINESS
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PAGE 24
Street Talk America
LAUGHS & LIFTS For the entire family!
Issue # 1 June 2011
PAGE 24
TAKE ONE HOME
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FIND THE HIDDEN BEES INSIDE FOR A CHANCE TO WIN $100 IN GIFT CERTIFICATES