Michigan State’s Independent Voice
How students navigate long-distance relationships, hookups DURING THE PANDEMIC PAGES 6-7
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Warning signs of an abusive relationship
Single’s Guide to Valentine’s Day — Part 2
Some don’t realize that they are in abusive relationships. Here are six early signs to look out for.
State News staff members Kaishi Chhabra and Emily Bevard return with more tips for singles this Valentine’s Day
A rocking proposal: MSU alumnae couple share their love story MSU alumnae share their story leading up to a proposal at The Rock.
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T U ES DAY, F E B RUARY 9, 2021
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Vol. 111 | No. 12
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2021 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Evan Jones MANAGING EDITOR SaMya Overall COPY CHIEF Mark Ostermeyer CAMPUS EDITOR Karly Graham CITY EDITOR Sophia Kalakailo
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Cover illustrated by Hope Flores Michigan State volleyball celebrates after a point during the Spartans’ loss to Ohio State on Jan. 31. Photo by Devin Anderson-Torrez
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OBITUARY - Dr. Linda Jean Nelson
Dr. Linda Jean Nelson, a retired professor at Michigan State University and former international civil servant in Latin America, died in East Lansing 27 minutes into the New Year. She was 91 years old. Dr. Nelson died of complications from a fall three days earlier in her apartment. She was born February 3, 1929, in Chicago, the child of Harry Lloyd Nelson and Gertrude Zaun Nelson. She was brought home from the hospital the day after the St. Valentine’s Day massacre, which occurred several blocks from the family apartment. That night, her parents were awakened by two thieves. One pointed a pistol at her father; the other clutched Linda and pointed his pistol at her head. They took the cash her father had been seen getting at a bank for new baby expenses. The incident did not seem to faze Linda, who retained a well-honed sense of humor and even a love for Chicago throughout her life. Her parents, however, left Chicago soon after she was born for the safer environment of Pittsburgh.
She was educated in the suburbs of Pittsburgh and Philadelphia and decided to go to college at the University of Pennsylvania, the alma mater of her grandfather, father and uncle. Her father sent the admissions office a letter saying, “My daughter will be attending Penn starting in the fall semester. Please send the required forms for admission.” That was another era. She became the first in the family to pursue a master’s, from Iowa State, and a doctorate, from Michigan State. While her field was officially anthropology, she found gender limitations essentially pushed her into what was then called home economics, although her personal approach to cooking was to heat up something and, when it came to sewing, she called her mother. Linda did research for both of her theses in villages in Costa Rica, where she studied the household practices of rural homemakers. This led to a career developing programs to improve nutrition, sanitation and the quality of life in villages all across Latin America. First, she worked for the Organization of American States (OAS) out of Turrialba, Costa Rica, and then for the UN Food & Agriculture Organization (FAO) out of Santiago, Chile. She was fluent in Spanish. When she lived in Chile, the economy was growing worse day-by-day. She flew all over the continent for her job and would take two suitcases—one for her clothes and one empty. Before she flew back to Santiago, she would fill the empty suitcase with things like pampers and toilet paper that were difficult to obtain by her friends in Santiago. While in Costa Rica, she taught graduate students who went all over Latin America handling programs to improve rural life. With one of her former students, she wrote a book in Spanish on how to teach healthier and safer lifestyles in rural communities. After two decades in Latin America, she returned to the States and joined the faculty at Michigan State University in East Lansing, where she remained until her retirement in 1994. While Dr. Nelson was at MSU, home economics evolved into human ecology and she became chairperson of the Department of Family Ecology. Dr. Nelson was respected for administrative ability and a creative approach to teaching qualitative research methods and assisting international students as they adjusted to their
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studies at MSU. She was instrumental in helping to establish the MSU Community Services Master’s Degree Program on Kadena Air Base in Okinawa, Japan. She taught several courses in the program. After her retirement, she returned to teach additional courses there. In 2005, MSU presented Dr. Nelson with the Distinguished Alumni Award in recognition of her professional achievements. She was long active in Kappa Omicron Nu, the National Honor Society in Human Sciences, Family and Consumer Sciences, Athletic Training and Kinesiology. She often edited faculty manuscripts, where she was infamous for striking all references that included “etc.” She was active in developing the education wing of the new Broad Art Museum, for which she was a major contributor, and spent her retirement years becoming quite skilled at water color painting and teaching Monet at the Children’s Carden at MSU. Dr. Nelson never married and is survived by her two younger siblings, Joan Swan of Haverford, Pennsylvania, and Warren Nelson of Arlington, Virginia. A memorial service is planned in East Lansing after the coronavirus epidemic has abated. To honor the memory of Dr. Nelson, gift may be made to one of the following funds at Michigan State University: • College of Social Science, Human Ecology Legacy Fund, AN2146 • College of Music, Cello Plus, lAE06680 • Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum Education Fund, AE011797 • Associate Provost for Undergraduate Education’s Freshman Study Abroad Scholarship Fund, AB831010 Make a Gift by Mail: University Advancement Spartan Way 535 Chestnut Road, Room 300 East Lansing, MI 48824 Make check payable to Michigan State University and write the included allocation code on the note line. www.GorslineRuncimanEastLansing.com
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Warning signs of an abusive relationship By Jared Ramsey jared.ramsey@statenews.com Intimacy with a partner can lead to some of the happiest moments of a person’s life, but for some, their intimate relationships are painful parts of their lives and they are not aware of the problems that could have led to the abusive relationship. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, over 12 million men and women are victims of some form of relationship violence by an intimate partner, such as sexual assault, emotional abuse or stalking annually. Many of the signs of an abusive relationship present themselves early in a relationship, according to MSU Safe Place Director Holly Rosen. Some of these warning signs include jealousy from a partner over hanging with others and increased hostility when the partner is drunk, Rosen said. MSU Safe Place is a program that offers counseling and advocacy for anyone in the MSU community who is experiencing any form of relationship abuse. Safe Place also has a shelter in place for victims of relationship abuse if they need a new place to live at a moment’s notice. “MSU Safe Place is here for anybody who’s
not sure if they might be being abused, or if someone they care about is experiencing it,” Rosen said. “So people can contact us and we can talk it through if they’re wondering, ‘Was my relationship from high school abusive,’ or ‘Is the one I’m in now,’ because sometimes people who are experiencing it don’t even recognize it. They’re not quite sure, because we all have myths about what a victim looks like, and what an abuser looks like, and if you’re experiencing early warning signs or even abuse, you may not be sure about it.” According to the data collected by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 29% of women in college have been a part of an abusive intimate relationship, and 58% of college students do not know what steps to take to help someone in an abusive relationship.
THE WARNING SIGNS
According to MSU Safe Place, there are six early warning signs that could tell you that your partner may be abusive in the future. The warning signs are acting overly jealous, changing drastically after the honeymoon phase, blaming behavior on external factors, isolating their partner from friends and family, undermining their partner’s mental health and
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moving the relationship forward too quickly. For serious relationships, jealousy can be a major underlying factor of a toxic relationship and could eventually lead to abuse, Rosen said. Jealousy is often seen as endearing early in a relationship, but can often become smothering and lead to isolation for the non-abusive partner, according to the document of warning signs from MSU Safe Place. “One of the biggest red signs we see, probably, or early warning signs that we see with a student population is the jealousy and the increased verbal abuse when someone is drinking,” Rosen said. “So just kind of isolating them a bit, and giving them accusations about being interested in other people when they’re not into that kind of thing.” Forcing your partner to isolate themselves from close relationships is another form of relationship abuse, but it stems from jealousy. Rosen said that abusers often try to force their partners to isolate themselves from close relationships to try and prevent their partner from cheating. However, the lack of trust can stem from a person’s own insecurities and have no basis in reality. A relationship needs trust to survive, and someone who is too insecure to trust their partner is not ready for the relationship and will sabotage it. Another sign that your partner could be abusive down the road is that they become a drastically different person as the relationship progresses, changing who they were that made them lovable in the first place. According to the document from MSU Safe Place, the memories from early in the relationship can make it harder for individuals to leave the relationship, however distorted the memories may be. The third sign of relationship violence, according to MSU Safe Place, is if your partner is not accountable for their actions and blames everything on external factors, such as drugs or alcohol or growing up with abuse in their own lives. “Why does somebody choose to do this (be abusive)?” Rosen said. “Sometimes it’s because they grew up with violence, sometimes it’s because they were abused as children. But again, a lot of people who grew up with violence and were abused as children are not abusive to their partners. So this does not cause it, right. So part of it’s our culture, you know, when you’re looking at men abusing women, there’s a lot of pressure for some men to dominate the relationship and lead the way the relationship will go. And if their female partner talks back, that’s disrespectful to them as a male, as a human being, and it hits their core.” The last two warning signs of abuse, undermining their partner’s mental health and moving quickly in a relationship, are related.
Signs that someone is trying to move a relationship forward too fast are easy to spot, such as your partner saying ‘I love you’ early on or saying that they cannot live without you, Rosen said. “They’ll try to convince the person that they’ll be in danger if they leave them or maybe that the person can’t live without them,” Rosen said. “That’s another warning sign is that if that person starts saying I love you, and it’s really early in the relationship, or they start saying, I can’t live without you, or imagine my life without you, those are huge warning signs.” These claims from a partner can be very detrimental to a person’s mental health, making them feel trapped in the relationship.
YOU SEE THE WARNING SIGNS, NOW WHAT?
It is easier to identify the problems in a relationship, but what do you do after that? Addressing problems can be daunting for many people. “I understand that for a lot of people, they feel intimidated to call or reach out,” Rosen said. “And there are programs where you can email and get communications going or chats and that kind of thing. But you don’t have to get support from a program like Safe Place, if you have a good support system from your friends or your family, they can help you figure some of this stuff out, too.” It can also be hard for people to realize that they are in an abusive relationship, even if they notice the warning signs early on. “If somebody is in a relationship, and they find themselves worried about the response that their partner might have depending on what they say or do, like worried as in worried that the person is going to blow up and get angry or get really upset, or they find themselves watching everything they say and do like they’re walking on eggshells, or they’re really afraid to say the wrong thing, then that shows that there’s a problem in the relationship,” Rosen said. When someone realizes that the relationship is abusive, it can be hard for that person to leave the relationship. Rosen said the most dangerous time of an abusive relationship is when someone tries to end it, because the abuser can become desperate to maintain the relationship and can resort to physical or emotional manipulation to keep the relationship afloat. “Part of being in a relationship is compromising,” said Rosen. “But if you find that you’re compromising more than your partner, or you’re sacrificing your own needs and what you want, and you’re watching what you’re saying, and doing, then I would suggest: reach out to Safe Place or someone that you trust, and process some of that, because, love is hard and emotions are intense, but it shouldn’t be that hard.”
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‘THIS IS WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR’: CLAIRE HENDRICKSON’S INJURIES ARE NO OBSTACLE By Eli McKown eli.mckown@statenews.com As Michigan State’s defense sets back into their man to man defense, there’s a voice chiming in from the bench yelling at the five women on the floor. “Higher!” “HIGHER!” It’s a voice heard above the deafening silence of an empty Breslin Center. The cavernous walls echo the waves of the voice onto the hardwood. “HIGHER!” The screams belong to junior guard Claire Hendrickson of MSU women’s basketball. Those screams – making sure her teammates are getting their hands up and clogging passing lanes for the opposing team. She wants more than anything to be out there with them, not screaming from the bench. Regardless, Hendrickson has found a new meaning for her presence with the team. Even if it’s from the sidelines. Hendrickson came to East Lansing from Wyoming, Michigan four years ago ready to play basketball for her home state Spartans. Just 45 minutes into her first practice, tragedy struck as the meniscus in her right knee tore, along with spraining her LCL and MCL in her knee. Months later, Hendrickson was cleared to play and headed down to Mexico for a tournament. After diving for a loose ball, she knew it happened again as she peered to her teammates and said, “I just tore my meniscus.” Other athletes know how this moment feels. When the pandemic hit college sports and the knee pain continued to persist, Hendrickson had a decision to make: Stem cell transplant to cushion the pain or give up on basketball and replace her meniscus. Wanting to continue playing, Hendrickson chose the stem cell transplant, but it wasn’t able to do enough to keep the pain away, forcing Hendrickson to choose her own health over the game she loved. “That’s what I really had to come to terms with is deciding that it’s more of a quality of life thing for me instead of I have to play basketball because at the end of the day basketball is what I do, but it’s not who I am,” Hendrickson admitted. “There’s more to me
than just on the court and Suzy (Merchant) said to me, ‘Your best day isn’t going to be on the court,’ which gave me some relief because she’s 100% right. It was nice to have her full 110% support with this decision.” As tough as it was to see such a hard-working, talented athlete be riddled with injuries to this point, Michigan State Head Coach Suzy Merchant had her back in the decision. “We all love Claire,” Merchant said. “It’s just the most unfortunate thing, her body just would not let her compete at this level to no fault of her own, that kid did everything possible. She works as hard as anybody, it just got to the point where she just couldn’t do it anymore and we had to pull the basketball piece.” Hendrickson understood what the decision meant. As a sophomore in high school, she averaged a resounding 14.0 points, 7.0 assists, 3.5 steals, 3.5 rebounds and – at 5-foot-11 – 3.5 blocks per game. She was among some of the best players at that age in the state of Michigan and even the midwest. She’s scored eight points, twice in her career for her career-high. But the statistics often don’t define a player’s impact on a team. Despite the on-court contributions being gone, Hendrickson has found new ways to bring things to the team with her energy and enthusiasm that more often than not drowns out what the coaches even yell from the bench. “I don’t think a lot of people outside of our program realize what she brings,” Michigan State junior and guard Nia Clouden said. “She brings energy every day, whether she’s feeling good or feeling bad with her body. Especially at home games, she’s really loud, she’s the loudest one on the bench. She’s cheering, she’s making sure we’re all on the same page and that we know what’s going on. She’s really instrumental to our team whether she’s playing or not.” It doesn’t matter if it’s practice or game day either, the energy is always there. “One thing I love about Claire is she’s very vocal,” Merchant said. “She loves this team, she loves this program, she loves Michigan State and so what you see from her is what you get in practice too. Sometimes she’s the loudest kid in practice and she’s standing on the sidelines the whole time because she can’t
Redshirt sophomore Claire Hendrickson (5) takes a shot during a women’s basketball game against Northwestern on Jan. 23, 2020 at the Breslin Center. Spartans fell to the Wildcats 76-48. Alyte Katilius The State News
play.” The energy that Hendrickson gives is appreciated by the rest of her team, and as a competitor herself, Hendrickson knows that. “It gives me a purpose to be there for my teammates,” Hendrickson said. “Especially this year with either no fans or maybe 20 up in the stands, there’s got to be that motivating factor. There’s got to be that push to my teammates because that’s what I would want. Being there for my teammates, cheering them on, getting them hyped, whatever I have to do to make that happen by all means. That’s what I’m there for right now.” One of the teammates who can truly appreciate what Hendrickson has gone through is Mardrekia Cook, who has been through an ACL tear and most recently a torn Achilles last season. “We weren’t super close because I was a freshman and we talked here and there and obviously she’s my teammate so I saw her everyday, but the past probably year or two, we’ve gotten closer,” Hendrickson said. “We just laugh about it in the locker room like, ‘Girl, how are your knees doing today?’” With her playing days over and her Michigan State career coming to a close, it came time
to focus on the future. After completing her bachelor’s degree, Hendrickson is working on completing credits towards her master’s degree in exercise physiology. After being more on the basketball side this year, Hendrickson is planning on transitioning into more of a role in the strength and conditioning area next year with the team as strength and conditioning coach Annalise Pickrel has begun to bring her under her wing. While it could have been easy for Hendrickson to walk away from the game after all the curveballs it threw her way, Hendrickson continued to persevere and that’s because of her love of the game. “I feel like this is what I signed up for,” Hendrickson said. “There’s no reason for me to be like, ‘Oh, I can’t play, I don’t even want to be here.’ Some people they’d be like, ‘Okay since I’m done, I really don’t want to be reminded of that.’ I feel like I have a purpose to be here, whether that’s encouraging people as a support system for my teammates and any of those types of things. That’s why I’m here. I love the game.”
Redshirt sophomore Claire Hendrickson celebrates from the bench during the game against Eastern Michigan Nov. 5, 2019 at the Breslin Center. Matt Schmucker The State News T U ES DAY, FE BRUA RY 9, 202 1
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How students navigate long-distance rel By Verena Daniel vdaniel@statenews.com IIllustratrations by Emily Maze
At the time when Michigan’s first pandemic orders were being issued, criminal justice alumnus Eric Peterson and his girlfriend, journalism junior Grace Durfey, were coming up on their oneyear anniversary. Because the pair lived three hours away from each other and in different states, they were unable to celebrate the occasion together in person. Luckily for Durfey and Peterson, the pandemic restrictions did not change much for them. Their relationship was already built to endure the trials that come with long-distance. The couple only saw each other four times in the summer of 2019, so spending the first several months of the pandemic interacting mainly via text wasn’t as intimidating. Peterson moved from his hometown of
“We were both very communicative about (how) we never thought that it wasn’t going to work. We were not going to let COVID take us.” Grace Durfey Journalism junior
Saugatuck, Michigan, to Durfey’s home of Toledo, Ohio, after being hired at a local hospital in September 2020. While they were able to spend more time together being in the same city again, COVID exposure from Peterson’s job still posed an issue for them. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to even see her (Durfey) for Christmas because of how crazy it was going on at the hospital,” Peterson said. “I had someone literally cough in my face who was COVID positive, on purpose, and so it was kind of like, ‘Well, I can’t go anywhere. ... I can’t see anybody.’” Peterson and Durfey aren’t alone. According to a Vox article, those who are newly single have been more open to long distance, virtual relationships during the pandemic. However, the difficulty lies in striking a balance between “‘I’d really like to talk to some people and I’d really like to get back out there,” and “just entering into a month-long emotional affair with a stranger you’ll never see.” According to a 2007 study, partners in long distance relationships tend to have higher relational stability compared to geographically close partners. In fact, the study showed that long distance partners tend to be more satisfied with the communication in the relationship and have higher perceived agreement. However, that same study said that long distance partners were more likely to separate after reuniting due to higher instances of “extreme idealization.” Even with the COVID-19 restrictions and physical distance between them making it harder for them to see each other, Durfey and Peterson are determined to make it through the pandemic together. “We were both very communicative about (how) we never thought that it wasn’t going to work,” Durfey said. “We were not going let COVID take us.” Since the beginning of the pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommended that people restrict traveling to limit the spread of COVID-19. The CDC has also recommended certain types of transportation that minimize contact between people of different households as much as possible. Traveling by car, recreational vehicle, or another personal vehicle is the safest method of transportation until the public is widely inoculated against the novel coronavirus, according to the CDC website. However, stopping for gas, food and
supplies may still put motorists at risk of exposure, so it’s important to wear a mask, practice good hand hygiene and physically distance whenever possible. Megan Maas, assistant professor of human development and family studies, suggests students who are still engaging in hookups practice extra safety measures to reduce their risk of exposure to COVID-19. According to Maas, it’s important to quarantine for 10 days or more, and to get tested for the coronavirus before a hookup. While she doesn’t recommend in-person sex until each partner is vaccinated against COVID-19, Maas believes there are safe ways to be intimate with a partner virtually, like sending flirty text messages. She also encourages masturbation as a COVID-safe alternative. “So, for example, you can have old fashioned phone sex, you talk to each other,” Maas said. “And I would recommend that over some other forms, but you can also have it over video chat. But it’s really important that you don’t record anything or take screenshots of anything without someone’s consent because that is illegal.” Maas said that it’s crucial to get tested for STIs along with COVID-19 immediately after having in-person sex, especially without the use of protection. It’s also wise to quarantine after a hookup, but testing should be a priority. Additionally, it’s important to set healthy boundaries and avoid situations that aren’t enjoyable. If the risk feels too high, it isn’t worth it, Maas said. Research on the long-term side effects of COVID-19 is ongoing and there are a lot of potential future health issues to take into consideration. “We know that in some cases, there’s been recent reports that show that it can mess with the way that your body produces testosterone, that could potentially impact future fertility,” she said. Shortly before the COVID-19 pandemic prompted stay-home orders, freshman Abigail Fuller broke up with her first boyfriend. While everyone else in the world was coming to terms with the “new normal,” she was coming to terms with being single for the first time in two years. Fuller, who requested to use a pseudonym for privacy reasons, said she grappled with mental health issues in the first months of the pandemic. She realized the best course of action for her wasn’t what everyone else was doing. In fact, she decided she’d do the polar opposite.
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lationships, hookups amid the pandemic “The first couple months I felt really depressed,” she said. “I felt really lonely. And I was like, ‘Well, I might as well just travel.’ I know that’s the total opposite of what every other person thought but I was like, ‘Well, I might as well travel,’ and that’s what I did.” The CDC provides a list of factors to take into consideration before making travel arrangements, such as the potential risks of each mode of transport, high-risk travel activities and living with or visiting individuals in the high-risk demographic. If travel is not mandatory, public health officials urge against it until the vaccine is widely available. However, against CDC advice, Fuller traveled at least once a month over the course of 2020. Some trips she took with friends, while others were solo ventures. During these trips, Fuller and her friends would go to parties and meet up with people in the area. About five months ago when she began traveling on her own, she started going on dates and would sometimes go on multiple in one day, a welcome change from the isolation she’d felt in the early months of 2020. “I usually would just meet up with three, or four or five people a day, and I would decide whether or not I wanted to actually do anything with them,” she said. “But it was really fun to me because I’d only ever had one boyfriend in my life, now it was like ‘holy crap, there’s all these people that want to have sex with me.’” Fuller said that her experiences traveling and having hookups during the pandemic have taught her she’s fully in control of how she chooses to respond to situations. “I (could have been) really disappointed and be like ‘Man, my life sucks because COVID has ruined everything,’ but I’ve just been trying to make the most of it,” Fuller said. “ Even though things are restricted you can still have fun.” Wanting to make the most out of the pandemic putting life on pause has shown Fuller her reckless side, too. “Sometimes I put myself in bad situations like last week … literally had some guy Uber me to Boulder that I didn’t know,” Fuller said. “… I ended up leaving and going to some other guy’s house and he took me to this party. My flight was at eight in the morning, and I didn’t even get back to my hotel until like six in the morning. I was like ‘Oh my God, what am I doing?’” According to a 2017 study by Lisa
“I (could have been) really disappointed and be like ‘Man, my life sucks because COVID has ruined everything,’ but I’ve just been trying to make the most of it. Even though things are restricted you can still have fun.”
Wade, an associate professor of sociology at Occidental College, many students are simultaneously attracted to and repelled by college hookup culture. “Hooking up is (imminently) defensible in hookup culture,” Wade said in her study. “Students believe, or believe that their peers believe, that virginity is passé and monogamy prudish; that college is a time to go wild and have fun; that separating sex from emotions is sexually liberating; and that they’re too young and career-focused for commitment. All of these ideas are widely circulated on campus—and all make reasonable sense—validating the choice to engage in casual sex while invalidating both monogamous relationships and the choice to have no sex at all.” It’s possible to form new relationships and hookups during a pandemic, but it’s recommended that you learn your partner’s “attitudes towards social distancing and wearing masks,” infectious disease expert Ravina Kullar said in a Bumble article. Fuller said that being able to explore her sexuality outside of a relationship helped her overcome some of the shame she thought she’d feel from having sex, having grown up being warned against it. “I’m not so scared about sex and that kind of stuff because I’ve always been told ‘Don’t have sex before marriage and if you do, you’re a w----’ and that always stuck with me and it made me so worried I was like ‘oh I can never have sex with more than three or four people,’” Fuller said. “But I still sometimes struggle with that. But I’ve definitely let loose a little bit more and tried to just have more fun and enjoy myself and not be so worried about that number or what other people might think of me if they found out.”
Abigail Fuller Freshman (pseudonym)
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DIGITAL DATING: IS TINDER THE PERFECT PLACE TO FIND AN ONLINE VALENTINE? By Lucy VanRegenmorter Lucy@statenews.com In the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, many things are at an all-time high. Emotions, flower sales, chocolate prices and — Tinder users? That’s right. Last year, Bustle reported that according to Tinder, user activity reaches peak user interactivity between Jan. 1 and Feb. 13. However, for some students, having no valentine is preferable to finding one virtually. “I feel like when you meet someone in person it’s much more genuine,” marketing sophomore Colin Wood said. “You can read the room a lot better whereas on Tinder ... you can’t tell how the person is actually going to act. You can seem completely different over texting.” Advertising junior Lauren Veldboom shared similar thoughts.
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“I can’t judge someone enough based off of their Tinder profile,” she said. “I need to see if our ... energies match and how we interact in real life. Over an app, it isn’t as authentic.” Along with connections seeming less meaningful, Veldboom also holds Tinder responsible for the way it portrays users as expendable. “Tinder has made it so that people are disposable, honestly,” she said. “Whether that be in hookups or relationships, anyone that you talk to, well, you know what? You just keep swiping and you can find another one.” At the end of the day, Veldboom said Tinder just boils down to desperation. “(It’s) desperation, either desperation for hookups, desperate for validation or desperate for an actual relationship,” Veldboom said. However, not all students’
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experiences with Tinder involve hookups and awkward conversations. For packaging senior Andrea Vortriede, Tinder was the beginning of her adventure with J.J., her boyfriend of nearly two years. When she saw J.J., she thought he was cute and swiped right. “We ended up matching, and he had this really good intro picture,” Vortriede said. After they matched, he pulled a line that she had heard many times before. “He said the classic ‘Oh does this mean we’re dating now?’ which is so irritating,” she said. “Every guy says that one.” The answer to J.J.’s question turned out to be yes. “Our first date we went to go ice skating, ... and then we ended up hitting it off,” Vortriede said. “We went to go get Cold Stone ... and we ended up driving around in his car.” But the date didn’t end there. After two hours of talking
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and driving around, the duo decided to make the 90-minute drive from East Lansing to Detroit. They stopped at a pastry shop, ordered some pastries and drove all the way
back. Before her lucky match, however, Vortriede had her fair share of Tinder flops. “I would say I definitely had a very positive experience with
one of them, but the other guys that I met on Tinder all kind of sucked,” she said. “It just takes that one I guess, right?”
CA MPU S
MSU students reflect on importance of self-care and improvement By Jack Armstrong jack.armstrong@statenews.com While eating alone in the dining hall during her first year, business sophomore Marina Ackerman came to the realization that as a college student she can dress however she wants. “Literally nobody cares what you’re doing,” Ackerman said. “Nobody looks at you or cares that your socks don’t match (and) nobody cares what your hair looks like.” Ackerman had spent most of her freshman year single after her relationship with her boyfriend of over four years came to an end that fall. “My whole freshman year was basically the first year I was single in such a long time, which was so weird for me,” Ackerman said. “Following freshman year … I noticed a lot of changes about myself.” When transitioning to college, students often have to learn to independently navigate daily life while figuring out their future. This requires them to try to be the best version of themselves while still prioritizing mental health. Ackerman discovered a newfound sense of self-sufficiency as a result of her breakup. “Going through that giant breakup, I’ve noticed that I’m way more independent,” Ackerman said. “I like to do things on my own.” Ackerman currently works as a paralegal at a law firm in her hometown. She spends weekdays working from home and commutes back to her East Lansing apartment on the weekends. Neuroscience freshman Sophie Champion has also developed a stronger sense of autonomy after moving into an apartment in East Lansing, as has psychology freshman Mackenzie Haupt. The two live with two other MSU students. Before she moved in, Haupt felt underprepared for living by herself, worried that she would be overwhelmed.
“It’s not that I always need to be alone or anything. It’s just definitely when I am alone I have more time to self reflect on what I’m doing with my life or just anything about myself, how I’ve been acting, what I do to change, to become a better person.” Mackenzie Haupt Psychology freshman
Illustrated by Emily Maze
“I used to think that I was super unprepared to be living on my own,” she said. “But actually being there, I realized that I didn’t give myself enough credit and I know more than I thought I did.” Although they moved in at the beginning of the semester, Haupt said that living away from family has already made her feel more confident in herself becoming an adult. “I thought it would feel like much more of a drastic change than it has been,” Champion said. Champion also said that online school has been surprisingly easy. Champion and Haupt moved in this semester after spending a semester in their hometown of Royal Oak, Michigan. They both said that living on their own was about equal to living at home and that the lack of alone time has taken some getting used to.
Champion also acknowledged a lack of alone time in her routine. “We do school all day, then we come out and watch shows, or hang out until 2 a.m., then we go to bed,” she said. “I’m not really alone with myself that much.” Journalism freshmen Elle Fromm is currently living at home, taking a light course load and working a full time job as a nanny for kids. Fromm said one of the difficult things about being a nanny is to be able to understand the kids, but it also brings a level of maturity. “I think part of being an adult is being able to recognize that difference,” Fromm said. Fromm said she has also adopted a better attitude towards her schoolwork, being able to strike a balance between good work ethic and not overworking herself. “Focusing on myself, for me, means not
picking morning classes,” Fromm said. “It’s finding the medium between holding yourself accountable and driving yourself insane.” For both her job and her studies, Fromm realized this year that it is easier to solve your own problems by helping others solve theirs. In her writing, she finds it easier to revise when comparing her work to others. And in her job, she said that when she begins to regard the kid’s problems as trivial, she realizes that her own problems may not be as insurmountable as she had thought, either. “When you’re at an important moment in your life, looking at someone else’s pivotal moment and seeing ... it’s so much easier than they see it to be, makes you think, this is so much easier for me than I see it to be,” Fromm said.
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A SINGLE’S GUIDE TO SURVIVING We’re back! Another year, another day of overrated romance. Ugh, eye roll. Last year, we wrote about the best ways to enjoy Valentine’s Day while single. This year, we’re here to share some more tips. A lot happens in a year. You go to weddings where you need plus-ones, celebrate New Years’ with the pressure of a perfect midnight kiss, and of course, there’s the cuffing season where seemingly everyone you know has found themselves a partner to cuddle with. A lot has happened with us, too. We went on dates (both great and really terrible ones), got into relationships, experienced the usual drama, and yet, here we are — single again on Valentine’s Day. Admittedly, this past year has been a lot different than the previous years. It’s hard to dive into relationships when a global pandemic urges you to distance yourself from making new connections. That’s OK! There is absolutely no need to worry about finding yourself a date or being in a relationship on Valentine’s Day. It’s just like any other day of any other year! As for the recent singles out there, CONGRATS! You dodged a bullet, trust us. Now that may have sounded rude, but you needed to hear that. Whether it was the added stress of the pandemic and lockdown, or them simply not deserving you — it probably was not meant to be. So, take a deep breath and we’ll tell all you beautiful, amazing singles how to live your best life on the day you’ve been least looking forward to.
By Emily Bevard
By Kaishi Chhabra feedback@statenews.com
Illustrated by Hope Ann Flores
NETFLIX ON THE ROCKS Let the boring couples indulge in the old Netflix and Chill tradition. If you are of legal age, you can get yourself some whiskey or gin on the rocks and turn on a classic blockbuster. The options are limitless whether you want to go for an action thriller or a chick-flick, or even a timeless romance like “Titanic” because, seriously, is there anything better than the trio of you, Leo DiCaprio and wine? Another pro tip: “A Simple Favor” is perfect with a dirty martini.
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My story of finding love in the midst of a global pandemic
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By Griffin Wiles gwiles@statenews.com
Shocker — it’s not easy to date during a pandemic
I met my now-boyfriend on Tinder in June, just after Gov. Gretchen Whitmer rescinded the stay-at-home orders. Despite this, it was still inadvisable to really do much in public — restaurants were just opening back up at limited capacities, and I was reporting on the state’s response to COVID-19, so I was reminded of the climbing case and death counts daily. So, our first dates consisted mostly of meeting at the halfway point of East Lansing to grab coffee, browse through records and sit in his car. There wasn’t much else to do — movie theaters were closed, no events were going on and the idea of being near a plethora of strangers in public didn’t seem too redeeming. However, despite the general lack of things to do, we filled our time together to the brim and we saw each other nearly every week, doing much of the same things we did the time before. We were just happy to be in the presence of one another. Fast-forward about eight months: the baristas at Blue Owl know our “usual” drinks, our record collections have increased tenfold
OPI N I ON
VALENTINE’S DAY — PART 2 COOK A ROMANTIC MEAL ... FOR ONE
GO OLD-SCHOOL AND MAKE YOUR FRIENDS’ VALENTINES
Who says you need a partner to whip up your best dish? Treat yourself! You can still cook romantic dinners for your adoring, cherished and beloved stomach. If you’re feeling extra saucy, throw in some chocolates or chocolate-covered strawberries to indulge in while you enjoy the rest of your day.
I don’t know about anyone else, but Valentine’s Day hit its peak for me in elementary school. Every year, as the day came around, each kid brought in valentines for everyone else in the class. Some came with candy hearts attached and others were filled with cute holiday stickers. Nonetheless, I used to love taking them home and going through every last one of them. But who says that fun has to be reserved for elementary schoolers? Make some valentines for your friends this year and mail them out! I promise they will spark a lot of joy, and you will have fun making them.
DANCE IT OFF BY YOURSELF There’s a song for every mood and whether you’re looking for gooey love songs to put you in the spirit, upbeat classics to bring in some energy or mellow tunes to vibe with by yourself, you’ll surely find something to make the soundtrack of your day. Last year, The State News put together our very own Valentine’s Day playlist, check that out for some inspiration!
PARTY IT OUT WITH OTHER SINGLES! (OVER ZOOM, OF COURSE) Video calling has by now become an essential part of the new normal for all of us. Talking to friends and family, or even having game nights over apps like Zoom or Houseparty is not an unusual concept to us anymore. So, why not mingle with other singles and celebrate the day your way? You can play card games, board games, drinking games or even Jackbox Games. Monster Seeking Monster can be a great way to escape by bagging yourself a bloody date in the form of a virtual friend. Personally, I think there is nothing better than killing some mates in Among Us for the day of love!
(seriously, someone should calm us down) and we substituted sitting in a car for sitting in a dorm room. While sometimes, it can feel frustrating to feel reduced to the restricted amount of options available to us, these options never seem exhausted because I get to do them with someone who makes me happy. This pandemic has reinforced to me how much I value the little things — just getting to spend time with the one I love, regardless of what shenanigans we get up to. No matter how much I’d like to go to a concert with my boyfriend, I’m perfectly happy staying up until midnight every Thursday night to listen to whatever new music was just released with him instead. Rather than going out for dinner, I’m content scouring Ingham County for Chromatica Oreos (which, by the way, were harder to find than you might think). Despite the obvious difficulties that were onset by the pandemic, I truly feel like it has made our relationship stronger because there is nothing else to do but get to know each
other more deeply. And that’s really special to me. I don’t mean to get sappy, but getting to know him on the level that I do has been the best thing to come out of the past godforsaken year. While the coronavirus took away any chance we — or any freshly bloomed relationship in the past year, for that matter — had to do what we normally would be doing, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I get to spend every day with someone who makes me giddily happy, and that’s enough for me.
P.S. — thank you for listening to that Ariana Grande album with me. I know it wasn’t that good
HIBERNATE Be a bear! Everyone loves bears, and honestly, if you can’t bear this day, what better way to spend it than sleeping? So, while the couples are planning the perfect nights (that will probably not end up so perfect), you can treat yourself in the best way possible — catch some sleep. Let the lovers worry about the day while you take that much-needed nap. This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday, so make the best of both occasions! On a bonus note: you can always escape into a dreamland where you’re having dates with Matt Bomer or Henry Cavill.
Whatever you choose to do, don’t let yourself get too caught up in one day of the year. Remember, there are 364 other days and this one doesn’t need to be any different.
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A rocking proposal: MSU alumnae couple share their love story Allison and Lauren’s engagement; the before and after By Dina Kaur dina.kaur@statenews.com Michigan State alumnae Allison Van Ee and Lauren Tofilski’s friendship began under somewhat unusual circumstances in 2018, only to blossom into something deeper. Their love story started in the halls of West Shaw during their sophomore year when transfer student Tofilski’s roommate didn’t show up and Van Ee had a language barrier with hers. After an open-door night, they moved in together. Two weeks later, their bond grew over sitting and watching Game of Thrones every night, eating dinner together, hanging out with their friend. Soon all of this stemmed into more at the end of September. “It was one of those things where I had no idea about my sexuality whatsoever, I only ever really dated guys” Tofilski said. “When I first met Allison, I’d tell her all the time (that) the second she walked through the door, it was immediate attraction and I was super confused.” Tofilski said she definitely showed an interest first. She recalled how she thought Van Ee was a beautiful person on the outside but she didn’t know her inside yet. Her plan was to start out as friends and it just grew from there. Van Ee’s main goal sophomore year was to focus on school and not think about a relationship. However, when her and Tofilski started dating, Van Ee actually saw improvement within her schoolwork. “It made school actually so much better,” Van Ee said. “I had someone to push me to do better in my studies and I started getting better grades since we started dating. So it definitely was an improvement for me.” According to Tofilski, the two began dating officially Sept. 28, 2018. “We definitely pushed each other and we made our grades better and we took the time to study. We went to the library all the time and we made it work,” Tofilski said. And then came the best part. For the proposal, Van Ee got up at three in the morning to paint The Rock, which ended up being a big and super special surprise for Tofilski who said she hadn’t seen anything so special directed towards someone so personally on The Rock before. Van Ee had taken a blindfolded Tofilski on a walk down the memory lane. They went through their favorite spots on campus such as Lot 91, where they would park after Tofilski picked up Van Ee from her club’s softball practice. “We got to know each other through that — taking the time to get to know each other’s worries, what we want to do and our families,” Tofilski said. “It was more like building our friendship and those times were super important to us.” The couple said they did all of this while jamming out to Demi Lovato’s “Hitchhiker” in the car. It was a time where they were able to get to know each other without phones and other distractions. Van Ee’s favorite memory was following Tofilski to her classes in order to avoid her
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own. They also stopped at the library as they both worked there and did a lot of study sessions. They stopped at the police station where they worked for parking. After a few more spots, the final destination was The Rock where Tofilski took off her blindfold and Van Ee proposed. Van Ee said she painted The Rock for Tofilski because she thought it would be the perfect way to conclude their journey as students at MSU. The university was where
“It was just really, really cool to tie our experience of MSU together, like having a beginning and an end.” Lauren Tofilski MSU Alumna they met so it held a lot of importance. The two believe that with MSU and with all the circumstances that fell into place, they were able to meet and fall in love. They plan on getting married Sept. 28, the same date they started dating three years ago. The two plan to move down to Florida in February or March, so they can start their lives down there and think about having kids in a few years. Tofilski said that in order to trust each other you have to communicate well and in order to continuously love each other and still be in love, it requires a lot of communication: letting each other know what you want and what you need.
Allison Van Ee and Lauren Tofilski pose together at The Rock on Farm Lane shortly after Tofilski accepted Van Ee’s proposal on Feb, 12 2020. Photo courtesy of Tofilski and Van Ee.
The ongoing global pandemic has made their relationship stronger since they work less and just do school at home where they spend more quality time together. Date nights are a little bit harder as they are unable to go out and need to be creative but spending time together has been a major benefit.
As the couple looks forward to spending their future together, Tofilski encourages other MSU couples to paint The Rock with their love. “Whoever wants to do this idea next, do it because it was insanely cool,” Tofilski said. “It’s just a really cool way to unite MSU students and MSU in general.”
Lauren Tofilski shows off her ring after just accepting Allison Van Ee’s proposal at The Rock. Photo courtesy of Tofilski and Van Ee.
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