Rose Anderson

Rose Anderson

There once was a lady from York Who went by the name of O’Rourke. She worked in a pub, Played darts at her club, And occasionally went for a walk.

There was an old person from Cheadle Who mislaid his favourite needle. When he cried, “What a shame! I’m the one who’s to blame!” They replied, “Go and get some from Lidl.”

I drove down to Tesco’s today And ... what was I going to say? Oh, yes: bought some cheese And some marrowfat peas, then went to the checkout to pay.

I thought it was going to rain As I went out to clear the blocked drain. I tidied the shed Then I rang my son, Ted. Fish fingers for supper again.

I cough and I cough and I cough; Drink some Lemsip and then I doze off; And sometimes I feel It’s a bore to be ill; Then I doze off and wake with a cough.

Captain Cook

Captain Cook was a man of the sea, As bold and as brave as could be. He discovered some stuff, Then he sighed, “That’s enough”, And went to his cabin for tea.

My girlfriend’s gone where I can’t reach her, Deep repose shrouding every feature. She is awkward, you know, But I love her and so I won’t say, “The bitch. That’ll teach her”.

Some years ago we booked a holiday cottage in a small village called Kirkby Malzeard in the Yorkshire Dales. I was quite taken with the name of the place, so I wrote this limerick before we went:

A woman from Kirkby Malzeard Grew a truly magnificent beard. From the Moors and the Dales To the borders of Wales That beard was both feared and revered.

… but when we got there I realised that the limerick wouldn’t work! It turned out that Kirkby Malzeard is not pronounced the way you might expect. So I wrote this one instead:

In a village called Kirkby Malzeard I dreamed I found work as a beard. All night, in my sleep, I wrote sonnets to sheep And to chips fried in good Yorkshire leard.