How to Stop the Effects of Divorce on Children savemymarriagewithlove.com /stop-effects-divorce-children/ Wondering How Divorce Will Affect Your Kids? While you’re living in a pressure-cooker of tension between you and your husband, have you been worried about what’s happening within your children? You hear the news about the painful effects that divorce has on kids, but what can you do? You’re only one person and because of marital stress you’re carrying so many burdens already. I’m right there with you. I walked in your shoes when I was on the brink of divorce in 2004. I was worried about my marriage and like you, I did everything I could to protect my children from the negativity. The stress affected my work and every dimension of my life. I fought hard, because I had been in my children’s shoes when I was young. My Parents Got a Divorce When I Was Eleven I was the oldest of four and my life was irrevocably changed just like the children of my clients. For children, it gets lived out as having 2 different lives. The first life, “pre-divorce” is seen as idyllic and although it can be stressful, they still get to spend time with their friends and “have” both mom and dad. The second life, “post-divorce”, has been described by some of my clients as the end of “childhood”. I felt the same and it was also true for my children when my marriage with their father ended. Were You A Child of Divorce or Know Someone Who Was? In many cases, when a parent leaves, one child is often unintentionally “leaned on” emotionally and physically to pick up the slack at home. If you or someone you know has been through the roller-coaster of divorce then you know how the single parent often relies on the child to help with siblings and chores. In the event of a move, friendships are severed. While we know kids are resilient and can adapt with lots of support from both parents and counseling, divorce often causes more than we can see on the surface. If You Think Divorce Is On Your Horizon Consider Lori’s Story A child of divorce, Lori grew up and adapted to her new surroundings and family changes. As she matured, she credited her challenging childhood (post-separation) with making her strong and resilient. Even so, the memories of how hard it was, remained. Recently Lori had an experience with a close family member who was going through a separation and the family included young children. As she worked to give emotional support to her family through the crisis, her old memories and un-resolved childhood experiences were brought to the surface. She experienced anxiety, deep sadness and many tears. In fact, every time she thought about the children, she felt as if her heart would break. She knew that her response was out of proportion but it took hind-site to fully understand why. Lori let herself experience the (out of proportion) feelings and after a week or so they had lessened.
As she looked back she realized that her heart was breaking for her self because she had not healed the pain from her parents divorce. Why? She was a little girl at the time and she didn’t know how. Her mother and father could have helped her heal completely, but they did not. Were her parents to blame? No. They simply didn’t know how to do it any better than they did. When a trauma like your parents divorce goes unresolved, it remains in your memory and your mind for years to come, and it will affect your life. For example, since divorce has to do with a relationship not working out, it is likely that the unresolved trauma of your parents divorce will affect your adult relationships in some way. What will it take to eliminate Divorce from Your Mindset? Self-care is the answer. No, it’s not just that simple, but some parts of it are. While you are in the throws of marital stress, your energy is being drained. When you have little energy reserves, you don’t have much to give. But because there is stress in the home, your children’s needs are high right now and they need YOU to respond to their needs. You are not alone. I have been there and I have worked with women who have turned their marriages around and they had to learn to take care of themselves and when they did, their lives began to change. When I was on the brink of divorce, like you, my children needed more from me. I wanted to give them more, but I was exhausted and I honestly did not know how to muster the energy to do more than I was doing. And then one day, I remembered the flight attendants safety talk before a plane takes off, you know the onewhere they say, “If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person”. Wow! It was as if a two by four had whacked me on the head! In that moment, I had the answer. In order to meet my children’s needs, I needed to increase my energy and that would only happen if I took extra special care of myself…first! I started that day and slowly but surely my energy increased. As my energy grew, I was able to do more and more. I began to respond to the needs of my changing life with a more positive attitude AND I was able to meet the greater needs of my children with patience and love… and my life began to improve. I know, I know! I can hear you say: “I don’t have time to DO self care.” I understand because I thought the same thing until I found some amazing ways to get re-fueled in short order. If you’d like to learn step one of saving your marriage from divorce, then drop me a line or leave a comment below. I’d love to share some of the secrets to saving yourself, your marriage and your children from an avoidable divorce. With Warm Regards, Suzanne