I’ve lived and studied in Gatineau, QC, all my life. Until recently, my social life was centred around Aylmer and my group of friends. But now most of them have moved away and we haven't been on the same path for a while now. Some of them are studying, some are working, moved out of their parents place. I felt left behind for a while, until I realized that I too had moved onto great things. Since the end of high school, I've made friends in Ottawa through the LGBT2SQ+ youth community and the people that surround it. I also met a little bug named LP through the Ottawa Zine Off event they participated in, and through them, I met some other Ottawa zinesters. I got involved and got to know people and it has truly changed my life. I now feel like what I've always wanted to do (affect social change, express myself through writing and art, edit written work, be a part of a community) is possible and is valued.
I still feel like an outsider most of the time, but that's because I am. In most ways, I have always been. It's an interesting position to be in and sometimes it allows me to see things others who are more integrated don't see. It gives me a vantage point that allows me to be critical of my communities and friends. It's tough, though. It's lonely, mostly. I'm always afraid of clinging too much to people who aren't as attached as I am. So I try to stick to myself. I'm happiest when I am independent and surrounded by positive, loving, caring people who look out for me. It's hard to balance being independent with being surrounded and not isolated. It's easy to not let anyone in, if only because it's
harder to let anyone in. I'm trying my best to learn to
trust
and to be vulnerable with friends. To reach out when I need to not be alone with my thoughts. It's a process. I'm being patient with myself. At the beginning of January, I felt a huge pressure to have goals and to be ready to move forward. I wanted to have this revelation about what I wanted and how I would achieve it! I wanted a fresh start and fresh, powerful, driven ideas! But it didn't come. I looked back a lot, at old diaries, at old blog posts, old poems, old pictures, searching my past for emerging truths or patterns. And nothing. It didn't make me feel enlightened like I had hoped, but it made me
reflect on my growth a lot. At that point, I didn't appreciate the changes I went through and my evolution into the person I am today. I didn't recognize my light. But I knew - I must have read it in one of those Tumblr horoscopes that circulate a lot these days - that I had to stop looking back. I’m not sure what happened since, but I feel much more inspired. Maybe it’s because I got a job I really wanted and that that’s been a great source of joy and inspiration in my life recently. Maybe it’s because the sun came back and I wore a dress without tights the other day (the wind through my leg hair was glorious). Maybe it’s because I’ve embraced a lot of the things about me that use to scare me and make me nervous. Whatever it is, I’m glad.
I’ve been thinking about sunflowers again. I wrote a zine that no one saw last winter. It was called Sunflowers, for courage and it was about all the things that kept me going through that winter. Beyoncé dropping her album unannounced, poems, horoscopes, having some goals. I had a hard time printing the zine in time for the Zine Off, panicked and ended up not going and never sharing it. I think this is a part two of Sunflowers, for courage. I mostly write for myself and hope that it resonates with people. This is a letter to myself, and maybe to you, saying: I know it’s tough. I appreciate what you’ve been through. I know joy is hard to come by sometimes. You did it. Winter is over. There are sprouting plants lining your dining room’s patio door. The avocado stone you’ve nurtured since February is growing solid roots, sprouting beautiful and green. Have hope. This
is your fresh start.
Here it is, my little winter baby! It’s doing pretty well, taking its time to sprout and to grow solid roots. I’m so proud. I can’t wait to see it grow into a little tree! I’ve been talking to it, as some plant people will tell you to do, and only in positive ways. It’s probably not doing much for the avocado stone (although… You never know!), but it forces me to change the way I speak and find encouraging terms and to value slow, patient growth. I feel like that’s symbolic, you know?
January 24th 2014 If you look closely, you can see the fissures in my skin the places where I split in pieces and the places that are held together by some miracle/god/superglue. If you look closely, you can see me summers ago with my two feet in a puddle of warm dirty water, happier than nowadays (winters are always harder). If you look closely, you can see me next year, next winter, in a different place than I am now, with better stitches where I’m falling apart now. I can’t see it now, but god knows I hope for it. God knows that hope’s what’s kept me stitched together so far. God knows that’s all I can do.
Sunflowers, for courage.
The tallest sunflower is 8.75 m (28 ft 8.49 in) tall when measured in Kaarst, Germany, on 27 August 2013 and belongs to Hans-Peter Schiffer (Germany). (Guiness World Records)
I aspire to have such a great support system that will help me grow as tall as I can, just like this sunflower.
“This summer, we grew sunflowers in our backyard, just against the back wall of the house. The biggest one grew to be about ten feet tall. We could see it from the kitchen window, like a friends waving a hand in the wind. It always amazes me, year after year, how those huge, strong stremmed flowers grow out of tiny seeds! A really special moment I got to experience this summer was when a whole bunch of bumble bees, frequent visitors of our beebalm bush, spent almost an hour hovering over our sunflowers, collecting pollen or nectar or something. I photographed them and was in awe the whole time at these beautiful little creatures and their business with the flowers…
Anyone who know me for a time know I’m fond if bee, to that was a really great moment of observation for me. My inner witch was also very pleased at being blessed by their presence and the vitality they bring to our garden. But why I go back to this memory now, in the middle of winter, is because it was beautiful, and I need to hang on to moments like things when things get rough (as they do in the winter).
Here are some things that were tagged “2k15” on my blog.
Sunflowers, in the language of flowers (in popular Western culture), are generally seen as a “get well” gesture. I find myself spending most of my energy during winter trying to stay or to get well. And taking care of oneself takes strength and courage, sometimes. So I named this zine Sunflowers, for courage because the flower reminds me of strength and I’m trying my best to be courageous. January is over now and soon, we, like sunflowers, will be able to turn toward the sun. Until then, courage, my friend!” March 3rd 2015 Reminder to self: take your time. Take your time to appreciate things and love people, to reach your goals and accomplish things, to learn, to get ready. All in its own time. It’ll be there later. 10 avril 2015 Avant de commencer à travailler, au début du semestre, j'avais très peu d'énergie et j'ai été déprimée. J'arrivais pas à envisager comment je pourrais en faire plus dans une journée que d'aller à mes cours et prendre le bus pour revenir à la maison. Maintenant que j'ai une job qui me motive au bout, des ami/e/s autour et que je ne suis plus immobile, ça va beaucoup mieux. Je m'endors et me réveille régulièrement à une heure raisonnable et j'ai une routine. Je me fais à manger et je passe du temps avec des amis et avec ma partenaire et avec ma famille. Ça va pas mal mieux!
Staying hydrated #2k15 I also thought of this resolution today with Roxie: to trust my gut/instincts + follow my intuition. No bad vibes 2k15. Fuck creepy boys + men who want my attention + my time, for me to teach them things, and who have gross or unclear intentions. Fuck toxic people and toxic environments. Fuck that. This year I celebrate myself and I celebrate girls and I celebrate nb cuties and I celebrate our glory and beauty. I don’t even want to be angry or bitter anymore, I just wanna focus on loving myself, loving my sisters and my buddies and becoming the zen knowledgeable queer gramma I want to be. Cheers to that! *gulps some water for you* My horoscope for the year, by terrible-night-choices.tumblr.com
VIRGO - The Dangerous (August 23 to September 22)
For the 2015 Spring Ottawa Zine Off
“Trust me, it’ll be worth it. Is what you say to your new lover. Under the stars, waist deep in the river’s flow.” December 20th 2014
Some goals for 2k15: • learn how to budget • make myself more available for hangouts and for opportunities • continue to take care + be selfish • no settling • do more of what makes me happy + less of what only makes others happy • own some badass lingerie Not tagged 2k15 but still relevant: December 28th 2014 (someone sent me a question from one of those questions lists)
36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Damn. I can’t find anything that really captures it, so I’ll go with easy: “Yeah, I was about to cry, but I’m happy" From "Happy” by Best Coast.
Sunflowers, for courage Take II On looking back, resolutions, courage, surviving the winter and good things. By Stephanie M
Take care