The Daily Scare, April 2012
Normal Weather Alert! Scientists at the Met office are reportedly alarmed by the outbreak of normal weather that is sweeping across Britain and are glumly warning of much more normal weather to come, blanketing the UK for the foreseeable future (the next five days). This bizarre – by which we mean ordinary – turn of events is said to have been caused by the Earth revolving around the sun and possessing what is known as “an atmosphere” of mainly air. A spokesperson for the Ministry of Panic, Ron Armaggedon (14) said: “Both the Military and Industry – and especially with the help of our friends the American Military Industrial Complex – are working flat out to find a replacement for the air that covers the planet and the lifesustaining temperatures caused by the Sun but thus far our best efforts have been to no avail. We fear that, unless some way can be found to tow the British Isles into the Mediterranean, the long-suffering British will have to grit their teeth and weather the storm of coolish mid-springs for some time to come." This is a situation that has persisted now, with no sign of respite, since the Middle Ages and there are fears that the patience of the citizenry may wear thin and emotions will eventually boil over into mild irritation, at least until the sun comes out. People are advised to be on their guard and take sensible precautions such wearing coats, not walking about naked and not lying face down in puddles. The latter particularly, although often unavoidable, can be lifethreatening but if these sensible precautions are followed there is every reason to hope that most of us will not die horribly. At least, not yet. Last year, during a similar holocaust of normal weather, several people drowned, although it is unclear at this stage as to whether the cause was
the climate directly or the fact that they jumped off a trawler into the sea off the coast of Iceland. You are advised to be on the alert for the following: Clouds - mostly overhead. Some are rumoured to have silver linings Wind - anyone wearing a wig should be especially careful. Rain - expected to be wet. Temperatures(expected to plummet to their lowest recorded since last Saturday). Related News: Hell to Freeze Over News just in is that Scientists working for the MCC, the Ministry for Cons and Capers, have discovered that Hell will freeze over. This is predicted to occur about the time that Britain elects to office a sensible government with workable economic policies. Residents of Hell are advised therefore that there is no need to panic. This new bulletin is brought to you by Brain-U-Like Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Despondax, the chemical cure for the annoyingly chirpy. Stephen Cook’s blog is at http://ablecopywriting.blogspot.co.uk