12 Twelve little lessons that have taken me a lifetime to learn
Stephen Cotterell
Wakey, wakey‌ After many sleepy years, Stephen Cotterell woke up one morning and felt compelled to write this little book. A little book of lessons about life. You are invited to read and share it with others.
Everything written here is already known.
Use mirrors Every important event and experience in my life offered me the chance to realise that what I see in others exists within me. Mirrors, obviously are supposed to reflect back things that I recognise. However, sometimes I would pass a mirror, a shop window or some other reflective surface and not recognise myself at all. Not surprisingly, when friends, acquaintances and even strangers said things about me I did not recognise what they said. Now I am learning to do that.
“It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors.� Oscar Wilde
“You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” Olin Miller
Stop worrying From an early age I convinced myself that I could logically work out the worst and best consequences of any situation. Of course, the end of the world never happened. So, finally realising the power of free will, I chose to stop worrying and feel happier.
Learn the magic of 3 Now I know that ‘3 is a magic number’. However, for about 45 years I ignored all sorts of messages about changing my behaviour, attitudes and perceptions. Even my body was sending ‘stress’ signals such as stomach pains, weight gain and, finally – very loudly – a snapped leg muscle. Now, if I experience the same message from 3 different sources, I pay attention and choose to do things differently.
“The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.� Eden Phillpotts
“Life is something that everyone should try at least once.� Henry J. Tillman
Choose life My focus has consistently determined my reality in many different ways. When I was eighteen years old I didn’t know what I wanted to do, to aim for or even be. Instead I stated all my desires in the negative. I’d say things like “I don’t want this, I don’t want that.” Of course, what I didn’t want is what I got. It took about twenty years to learn that lesson – slow learner or what? Now I choose life by stating positive desires.
Start receiving I used to believe a lot of unhelpful things which negatively shaped many of my experiences. Habitually I gave my time, energy, money and gifts to others. Nothing wrong in that except that when someone tried to offer me something in return I would refuse. Over the past few years my mind has shifted from ‘it is better to give than receive’ to ‘giving is receiving’ to ‘receiving enables giving’. Now I am learning to receive.
“I have come to believe that giving and receiving are really the same. Giving and receiving - not giving and taking� Joyce Grenfell
“Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome.� Arthur Ashe
Enjoy the journey My journey has revealed more opportunities than reaching any destination could offer. Of course, I ignored most of them! For instance, once I made my mind up about going somewhere I’d get there as fast as possible. In a straight line, ignoring people, places and experiences because I believed that it was all about arriving. Now I’m learning to enjoy every journey. Unexpectedly every journey seems smoother, stress free and happier!
Be selfish “Don’t be selfish” was something I always heard at home, at school and just about everywhere else. Selfish was clearly a bad thing so logically, the needs of others overrode mine most of the time. This all changed on a plane, when I really heard the instruction ‘place your oxygen mask over your mouth and nose before attempting to help others’. Help me first to help myself before I help others.
“The greatest productive force is human selfishness.� Robert A. Heinlein
“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.� Albert Einstein
Check reality Everything I see, feel and hear, I now realise, is made up. So I’m learning to be less dogmatic, more understanding and more tolerant. I’ve become very open to a whole range of alternative viewpoints about how our minds really work. Rational scientific investigations reveal that our brain ‘makes up’ most of what we convince ourselves we are seeing, hearing and feeling. I have the opportunity to choose my own reality by shifting my awareness, perceptions and beliefs.
Let go For the longest time I had problems understanding what I was supposed to do with my life. I would seek out advice from others who would know better than me – giving them the ‘power’ over me. After a while I convinced myself that I in turn, could control others by giving them advice. Putting me in the power seat. I’ve learnt to stop giving advice and trying to control or change anyone apart from me. Letting go of all that stuff is a much healthier, happier and easier way to succeed in life.
“The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there’s gold in letting go of them.” John Seely Brown
“Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes.� Kenneth Hildebrand
Discover ‘our way’ I am an individual AND I am connected to everyone on the globe. When I was a kid, Frank Sinatra had a global smash hit called ‘My Way’. This idea resonated with me deeply as I had learnt, from an early age, to be independent. I learned the error of that when I was in my mid-forties! Rather than struggle on my own and get stressed I decided to let go and allow myself to be part of the Universe. To ask for help when I need it.
Shine It’s OK to reveal my light, love and vulnerability because I’m a real human being. Since ‘waking up’ and realising that there are many ways to experience life, this insight took the longest time for me to put into practice. To others I would say things like “why try to hide your light when everyone can see it anyway?” It was only this year that the penny dropped and I knew that I need to commit. To commit to shine – to reveal my vulnerability, love and light.
“Let your light shine. Shine within you so that it can shine on someone else. Let your light shine� Oprah Winfrey
“When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.� Jimi Hendrix
Choose love ‘Life is the question, love is the answer.’ These are the words that I spotted printed on a bumper sticker in Brighton about eight years ago. They literally stopped me in my tracks. The ramifications took a long time to sink in even though the truth shone out. At the most basic level some people choose to act from a place of fear. That life choice doesn’t work for me, so I choose love. I am amazed by the consequences.
All of the 12 insights here are well known to many people and I hope are worth sharing with others. Everything I have written rings true for me. Maybe something might resonate with you, too?
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This work forms part of an initiative called ‘Project 12’. Please feel free to share the PDF version of this book (only in its entirety). The photographs are © Stephen Cotterell. Please ask if you wish to use them. If you would like see larger version of the images or browse more online then you are invited to visit www.flickr.com/photos/stephencotterellphotography I gratefully give love and thanks to everyone who has come into my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Stephen Cotterell, Brighton, England November 2009 stephen@cotterell.net
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Stephen Cotterell stephen@cotterell.net